Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.
I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.
Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.
How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).
Thanks for any advice I can get.
http://www.hare.org/
The Authority on The subjects
Hello, Andrea. I’m so sorry for your situation. Below are some things that have helped me deal with 27 years, 9 children, and much suffering with a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist man of my nightmares.
Our most recent incident was last week’s poisoning of our son’s dog. He did it because I told him I was going to hold him in contempt of court for not following specific orders. (sometimes you never know how he will get even)…This makes 2 of this one son’s dogs in 2 years; and 4 dogs in total in the last 3 years-this is the price that the children pay for being his child.
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1) Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.-Matthew 6:34 KJV
I.E.–DEAL WITH ONE DAY AT A TIME DO NOT STRESS OVER WHAT “MIGHT” HAPPEN!
BE WISE AS A SERPENT but GENTLE AS A DOVE
2) Ingrain in YOURSELF and your children the 4 C’s concerning psychopaths (this includes childhood bullies, any family bully & workplace bullies-the world is FULL of them so better be prepared and aware):
The 4 C’s:
you can not CONTROL it (within their mind)
you can not CURE it
you did not CAUSE it
but you can COPE (admit the condition is FACT; get away if possible; strengthen your resistance to it)
3) prepare yourself in case one or more of your children become like him (watch for signs, cling to the 4 C’s!!!!
4) KNOW YOUR RIGHTS and those of your Children. Teach them to your children, post them around the house.
Here is a good place to start: http://www.newciv.org/ncn/cbor.html
5) TIME heals and reveals.
As I have taught these things to my children, they are able to identify his evil ways ALL ON THEIR OWN…this is SO important for them to be strong. They MUST be able to do this for themselves; it can not just be what you, or someone else, have “told” them.
They use these skills at school with power-tripping teachers and students as well. They do not “take” bullying like I did as a child!
Love and BIG hugs to you
Oh, one more thing…
Don’t beat yourself up that your children have to “deal” with this. They will come through.
There are children who have circumstances out of their control all over the world. Health issues, governmental, racial, etc…
You and your children are NOT alone.
😉
Dear Ewe,
VERY wise and good advice! You are a wise woman, and I know that wisdom has been EARNED AT A HIGH PRICE. Hugs
“I think setting an example is a very powerful thing. Never lie to the children (santa/toothfairy/easterbunny excluded). I never, ever lie to my children- even when the answer isn’t warm and fuzzy. I give age appropriate answers- nothing graphic, but I don’t give false answers. I have credibility with my kids. They trust me because I have shown that I can be trusted. That’s power the xs will never have.”
Glinda,
I believe this is be the most important part of being a parent, even for those who are lucky enough not to have gotten involved with someone that suffer from being a s/p. Children today have the ability to see through a “lot” of BS being told and given to them today. More so then we did. I really believe this is one thing that the now generation has going for them. Both of my sons can see through BS so quick it sometimes amazes me. Maybe because they both lived with a pathological liar for so long and saw the different between her and myself might be one reason?
But really I believe most children are feed so much BS for so long they catch on quicker then we did. Anyway Glinda yes, setting a good example and trying hard not to “sugar coat” everything to protect them, doesn’t in the end do the justice they deserve. Be honest and upfront with children and in the end they will walk away respecting you and not believing that you too are “full of it”..
James, I agree, everyone should be honest with their children and lead by example….but the responsible parent stuck with an xn/s has their credibility called into question more often. At work, it’s never insinuated that I’m a crazy liar…but the xs was more than comfortable making that allegation. If you lose your credibility with your kids- how does it make you different from the xn/s? It doesn’t- and the xn/s gets another wedge in.
Quicker to catch on? I dunno. I’m alot more jaded than my parents were- they believed in and raised me to believe people are basically good. Lots of people are- ALL are not. I never tell my son that there is good in everyone- that would be a lie. 🙂
I’m hoping by “walking away” you mean growing up and leading their own lives. In the not so distant future, my middle child will be a “grown-up” and I won’t be able to protect him like I do now. The xs will most assuredly try to reinsert himself into his life- and take him for whatever he can. I can only live my life as honest and decent as I can and hope everything I teach him about being a decent human being and a good citizen is stronger than the urge to “give dear old dad” a chance.
Of course Glinda this is no doubt a problem whenever we are involved with those that wish only for power-over and want recognition for themselves only. My youngest son told me (after she was no longer part of our family) of all the horrible things she told my son about me. I asked my son why he never said anything to me about this. JJ told me, “Dad I just tuned her out after awhile”. My ex s/p also tried to pin both my oldest son and me against each other which I believe might have been another reason he never told me half of what she told him about me.
I believe she might have also done this to get him to go with her when she left. But another thing my youngest also told me after she left is that he planned on leaving as soon as he turned 18, “just to get away from her” as he put it. But I also feel that it was me as well that he needed to get away from. God, That scared me the most! He too was suffering and I didn’t see it as I should have. This has been the hardest part of my personal shame. Good news is that after 3 years of NC that has changed. Both of my children know I love them and would never be able to just leave them like she did. The only regret I have after all this BS from her, is how I wished I knew about personality disorders like I do today. This information would have help me so much in dealing with her and what to do about it! “”If only I knew!— 🙁
“I’m hoping by “walking away” you mean growing up and leading their own lives.”
Yes that is right. Whenever we “walk away” from anyone, it can hurt and it takes courage and maturity.
Andrea, you have a chance to know this at LoveFraud. I hope you use this information here to learn and then teach your children how to protect themselves against those people that only want power-over them and will try hard to destroy any type of personal power. Those that suffer from s/p only want their children to stay “children” and then be there for whatever supply they can use them for. Their children are there as any possessions they own; just like a car toaster or a family pet. Their children don’t have a right to their own autonomy personal power and individuality.
Update:
Sorry it should read “my oldest”.. When will I learn not to blog at night when I am tired??? 🙂
To access the archives do you just click the ” archive page”? When I do it, I only get the April and May articles looping repeatedly…
It’s been my observation that my children understand cluster B personality disorders better than I do. For them, What is – IS. They pick up on it faster and cope better than I do.
I think that it’s helpful to have plenty of mentors and role models for your kids who are ethical and well behaved. That way there’s lots of modeling of appropriate behavior around the children.
By having lots of models of healthy behavior, the kids will realize that cluster B is not “What is”. At least, it doesn’t have to be. They can see the crazy making and constant drama for the “lifestyle choices” they are, and choose wisely instead of simply falling into sick patterns.
There are lots of “talks” that you could give your kids. Talk is cheap. Walk the walk, and associate with people who walk the walk. This behavior will communicate volumes to your kids. Your credibility will go sky high.
If you walk the walk, then if you must verbally address the issue of unhealthy behavior patterns, your words will carry great weight.