Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.
I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.
Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.
How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).
Thanks for any advice I can get.
Hey James,
I sooo love Gnarles Barkley’s song “crazy”!! In the video, I am the cat with the machine gun ,(well that’s how I felt at the end of my last relationship). When I had a breakdown and they put me in the nut house, (after the solicitor) I used to sing that at the top of my voice and EVERYONE would join in!! The nurses would come running down to tell us to shutup. Soo funny!
Thankyou for helping me find one good memory of when i was in the nuthouse! xo
James, Very insightful poem and very true to form. Makes you wonder if they ever really feel “ANYTHING” negative about their self centeredness?
The emotions I’ve witnessed a S exhibit-lets see- anger,(due to not getting their way), feeling pity for themselves (due to not getting their way), UMM- I think thats about it.
My x N/P used to speak in the most monotone voice imaginable when he would say “I need to work on that” when talking about hideous things he had done, as if he was gonna change anything about himself. He appeared robot like. I thought at the time, it was b/c he was so sad that he had caused me so much pain.WHAT A JOKE ON ME..
Sabrina:
At the end of my relationship with my P, he always said to me, “whats in it for me ?” he would say it after everything I said. I never answered that question because I really thought he was joking. But then one day in the car, he said to me,” honey, when I say that, you’r supposed to say. “head job”. I said to him, “yeah right, like that’s gonna happen!”. And then he said, “Honey, Even if you don’t do it, you still have to say it ..go on..say it!”
I just looked at him and he was SERIOUS!
These memories came rushing back when I read your post, and I thought to myself, “what the hell was I thinking staying with him??????”
I too suspect he was closet Bi.
Tilly, Some of the recollections that pop into my head about my x N/P just blow my mind now. I know now that the mask slipped MUCH much more than the “fake” persona was ever there. He never really had to work that hard to fool me when I think about it. I just kept looking for any glimmer of that prince charming that I had seen glimpses of.
I think one “hook” they all use on us is to to repeat over and over certain phrases that endear us. Such as,from the very beginning, my x always said he knew when he met me that we were meant to be together, GOd had put us together. I asked how did you know? Didnt you ever wonder (like I did) if we’d make it? He said with all certainty NOPE, I NEVER ever doubted that we werent gonna always be together.
T he trauma bond was binding me like cement from the beginning.
I also suspect my x n/p is bi as well. He said once that men were really better looking than women b/c they didnt use make up, have to spend lots of time on hair, etc. to look good. I said well go sleep with a guy then. Ive never heard a guy say anything that bizzaar. I told him as much, he had no comment whatsoever.
He also had a really vulgar way of saying things, and LOVED scary, horrible movies like Saw. I never understood that. It bothered me , as I personally feel that those type movies are demonic and not right for me to watch. He would be estatic when another horror flick came out. I thought it disgusting.
Another weird thing that I have remembered- once while watching a tv program about the holocaust, I got the eeriest feeling that my husband could have been one of those horrible nazi concentration camp guards ,had he lived in that time. That he would have had no problem inflicting pain on prisoners. I remember thinking, this man is good and evil at the same time. OMG! I so knew…
P.S. How did I not realize , that you cant be good AND evil. Evil negates any possibility of good!!I was sooo messed up!!!!
Sabrina:
Mine used to say that he wanted to “give a man a head job”. When I said to him, “You are so gay”, he said “I’m homophobic!”. Then he would go on and on about it, telling all his male golf friends to tell me how he was homophobic! They were all alcoholics so I didn’t stay around them much as I would be bored to tears. Then he would come home and be absolutley PATHETIC! I’m positive he preferred men in every way but couldn’t stand the fact that in his family it would have made him a social outcast. He also liked horror movies too which I can’t watch. He was always watching crime channel ( I reckon to get hints on how to get away with anything he might do!). I liked it because I felt I would know how to spot a psychopath..little did I know there was one in the bed next to me!!
P.S. In retrospect all the things I thought he was joking about at the beginning of the relationship, (I used to think he was soooo funny and soo witty!), all of them he was serious about! Like you he was just vulgar to the point of disgusting! His language was just gross, loud, arrogant pig…yuk!
I mean “like you said about your P..sorry!
The other thing the P’s were all brilliant at was isolating me, making me their hostage without me even realising it. Every time I tried to do something for myself like go for a walk or go to the gym there would be a drama, an “emergency” or some other crap. My parents did this to me too. So I was well groomed for it.
All of them were so tight and secretive with their money. I was always the opposite, I always felt I must trust my partner or life isn’t worth living. What an idiot!
Its so weird how some days a whole bunch of stuff just comes up that you havn’t processed before.
I used to know a girl who lived with a psychopath, like I did, (our partners were “mates”). One day she told me she had found out that her partner had played up on her the night before with a young woman from the party we were at.
I was horrified. “How can you take it so calmly??” I asked.
She said to me , ” Well the way I look at it is , its one less for me”!
At the time I thought she was crazy. Now I think she was a whole lot saner than me!!!.
Tilly,
Yea! I too love that song and have it on my MP3 players so whenever I feeling sorry for myself I will listen to it and it always bring a smile to my face. Guess it’s called sound/music therapy but it works..
“He appeared robot like.”
OMG! Yes, I too can remember when she would get into that “robot mode”. Looking at me about something she did with that blank robot stare and tone of voice, like “who me?”.
Displaying regret without true regret; sorrow but not true sorrow. The emotions are so staged if this subject wasn’t so serious it would be funny.
Glad you enjoyed the poem. I wrote this one after learning about the NPD disorders. But also many of my poems also helped me let go of some of the anger hate and self pity I felt at times. Writing poetry was a new found ability I never knew I had until after our relationship ended.