Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.
I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.
Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.
How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).
Thanks for any advice I can get.
Okay, So here is a theory of mine, Tilly and Sabrina, and this has been addressed on LF – Article Neither Staight nor Gay ( I believe in response to a letter I wrote)
For starters, I believe, and have told my exP when I found out he was soliciting random sex with any and all comers of both genders, multiple partners, you name it…..I believe that each person has the right to find their own personal happiness and fullfillment as they see fit, SO LONG AS IT DOESN’T HURT SOMEONE ELSE.
Having said that, I am wondering whether P’s – when gay – are more likely to also target women for abuse and humiliation, and to uphold the image of being “straight” for cover in other words. What I am getting at, and I would welcome James and Matt’s take on this – is that my hunch is because they are P’s they are able to “compartmentalize” their different persona’s, because they are P’s they are more able to live the lie , because they are P’s they enjoy using people for their own ends.
I am sure there are also many non P gay men who married in good faith before coming to grips with their own preference-but especially in today’s more open culture, I am inclined to think that P’s are more likely to deliberatly exploit women if they are in fact Bi.
Does it matter? In my opinion, very much. It is not possible to please such a person, as a straight woman. Not for the long term. And that information, by being withheld, set’s you up to be the REASON it is not working.
When unbeknownst to you- there is a major elephant in the room. You become part of an imaginary reality, based on lies and deception and the underlying truths that you percieve at more more subconcious level are truly crazy making in the long run.
And to James and Henry, commenting on the “war” and “winning” issue, I was referring in my initial question – to winning in the legal sense, through the courts.
The only winning with them in the other realms of life, is to have “won” healthy children, despite the chaos of a relationship with a P, to “win” our freedom and sanity, after the devastation of a P, to “win” the knowledge that we are whole, and they are empty shells of angry props and lies.
And to Tilly, Glad to hear you have recovered so much clarity in such a short time! Think about what a “good” not socio person you are. When faced with acting on your angry impulses, or “losing it”..you temporaily “lost it”. Your sub CONSCIENCE made the choice for you.
Hope some of this makes sense – peace to all
sabrina,
“I think one “hook” they all use on us is to to repeat over and over certain phrases that endear us. Such as,from the very beginning, my x always said he knew when he met me that we were meant to be together, GOd had put us together.”
This is called the “Soulmate” hook and yes most of them will use it to hook the next victim. Really, it’s given the soulmate concept a bad name.
9. OUR “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a “new perfect soul mate”. He is an opportunistic parasite. Our “Knight in Shining Armor” has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
http://www.abuseisnoexcuse.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogsection&id=25&Itemid=31
http://www.loserrx.com/flags/
My would say over and over (she had this ideal struck in her head) how she needed to “find” her “soulmate” but made sure I knew I wasn’t it.
[2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or “ideal love”]
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html
Tilly,
“The other thing the P’s were all brilliant at was isolating me, making me their hostage without me even realising it. Every time I tried to do something for myself like go for a walk or go to the gym there would be a drama, an “emergency” or some other crap. My parents did this to me too. So I was well groomed for it.”
[7. THE CONTROLLER / MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people’s money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.]
http://www.abuseisnoexcuse.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogsection&id=25&Itemid=31
They all will isolate us. For many reasons I sure but one is so that the only support system you have would be them and only them. The controller keeps events information and of course you under his/her control at all times. I also believe this help them deal with the fear of exposure and abandonment.
Hi everyone—
I watched a biography on John Wayne Gacy late last night. I grew up in Chicago and i remember it happening when I was 8 years old.
Well– watching his family interviewed and people that knew him– my gosh– it could have been about my ex. I couldn’t believe it. He even “made friends” and joked with prison staff and guards. Charmed everyone and said until his death that someone framed him and put the dead bodies in his house!
I just wish my ex’s family and coworkers (I got him the job!) knew what he was.
and the playing people off of each other? People that used to love me and think I was wonderful now think I am nuts and feel bad for hIM! If they only knew.
Dear Meg,
Yea, it is scary isn’t it?!!!! Google “charles “Jackie” Walls III” and read about this man, he was ONLY responsible for 3 or 4 deaths, but you know, he molested over 1500 kids over a 20 year period….so Gacy isn’t alone, unfortunately, and he isn’t the worst of them either. thank God that Walls has a life withtout parole sentence and will never get out on the street again. Actually, I am more in favor of that than the death penalty, cause I think they should live and suffer in the pen! Arkansas prisons are pretty brutal and I know Walls does not enjoy his stay there…they work a big plantation there with hand labor, just like in the slave days, only now they use convicts to hoe, plant and pick cotton, under overseers with guns and whips! Couldn’t happen to a NICER OR MORE DESERVING GUY! TOWANDA!!!!
“I would welcome James and Matt’s take on this – is that my hunch is because they are P’s they are able to “compartmentalize” their different persona’s, because they are P’s they are more able to live the lie, because they are P’s they enjoy using people for their own ends.”
eyeswideshut
Yes, I would believe having the ability to “compartmentalize” everything is one reason but we too do that as well just not to the extreme. But really the ability to be more of a chameleon and taking others persona’s and characteristic would allow them to move from one lifestyle to another without shame and/or regret. S/P had but one rule, “if it feels good then it is good”.
Without a “real” personality to deal with they can be anyone else with little and no real effort on their part. Let’s think like it in this way; you have a real self-i.e. Personality. In short the person you are today will be the same person you are tomorrow. We are speaking in part of course about our super-ego. If we hurt someone and if we feel that was wrong we will experience shame and/or regret.
They don’t. If one doesn’t have a real self i.e. personality then they can hurt someone without this shame and/or regret and compartmentalized it as well, they will feel and think about it this way “well, they deserved it”. So yes compartmentalization helps them rationalize it and then forgot about it but not having any type of real conscience (super-ego) to deal with and then the ability to be like others would allow them more freedom in sex business and family affairs. Maybe it like well it’s just sex and sex is sex. What would it matter how they got what they wanted which is only sex. Love never becomes an issue because they can’t love. But they also will confuse sex with love. Some call them a walking contradiction, which they are. This happens whenever a lie is no more important and/or an issue then sex. Again if it feels good then for them it is good. Morality never becomes an issue with them.
“And to James and Henry, commenting on the “war” and “winning” issue, I was referring in my initial question – to winning in the legal sense, through the courts.”
Thanks for the clarity..
Never had taken a s/p to court and not having much faith in this legal system, I for one wouldn’t know the answer.
eyeswideshut:
“I would welcome James and Matt’s take on this – is that my hunch is because they are P’s they are able to “compartmentalize” their different persona’s, because they are P’s they are more able to live the lie , because they are P’s they enjoy using people for their own ends.”
I don’t think they necessarily compartmentalize. My take is that people compartmentalize because it is necessary for their survival. For example, as a kid who was being terribly abused at home, I somehow (or at least I thought I did) shut out what was going on at home and focused solely on school.
With sociopaths, their overruling and overriding principal is whatever they want in the moment, they do it.
I think its easy to confuse compartmentalizing with controlling in the case of an S.
My S would go ballistic if a member of his family or one of his friends would contact me directly and I would respond or on occasion contact them directly. And the request could be something as inane as “I don’t have S’s email address so I can’t send this invite to the two of you directly to him.” So, S would control people by employing the divide and conquer strategy and by controlling them in order to keep any one person from knowing too much about his activities, his past, everything.
Thing is, I would watch him with others and see the persona he presented to them. And I would ache because I knew how I was being treated and what a fraud it was. But the thing was – I don’t think he gave a damn that I knew this. No, it was just about controlling everybody in his circle, making sure nobody got too close so they couldn’t compare notes.
So, it is control, not compartmentalization, that rules an S, IMHO.
I think they get great satisfaction in the power they have to control and manipulate us, doesnt even make sense to a normal caring loving person.
eyeswideshut
I found that because my P was on the lower end of the intelegence scale . His manipulation of Gay men was just easyer than trying to win over a woman . His emotionally defecient brain had problems being nice enough long enough for a womans Natural instincts: men are visual woman are emotional!
I think it’s hardwired in each of us when we are born . str8,gay,Bi, or even none. No one ever talks about people who don’t have sex or the desire to!
But my P uses Gay men because He is very attractive and attracts them! He say’s he is str8. He is a P so what ever meets the need at that time!