Editor’s note: Lovefraud has received another question from Andrea, who wrote in a month ago. If you have any suggestions for her, please share them.
I am looking for some strong advice on how to help my children deal with their father ”¦ my ex ”¦ who is a sociopath. We have been divorced for 4 years and I have been terrified of this man. Not so much physically, but more just afraid of his bullying and threats. Even though people have told me that his threats are just words and he cannot follow through on them, it is still hard when he is so confident that he is so right and I am so wrong. I have tried very hard to take the high road through all of this and he falls in this gray area between legal and illegal, but suffers no consequences. I have been told that once I stop letting him get to me, he will get bored and move on to someone else.
Recently, I have broken free of his hold and I don’t care anymore. I’ve started living my life and doing what I want. I’ve met a new man who was in the Marines and is an avid hunter. My son has expressed interest in hunting and went with him one day. My ex found out about it the night before and went insane. He told my son that he forbade him to go, but I told my son that he was with me and I was allowing it. My ex started calling the house at 1:15 in the morning and called for about an hour. I tried to talk with him one time, but it was ridiculous. He told me he would stop paying child support and would fight for sole custody if I let him go. (Wish I had that all on tape). Anyway, I let him go because there was no danger, he had an apprentice hunting license, and he was with me that weekend. Now my ex has decided to bully my son. It has been horrible. He is now threatening him and scaring him with things that he can’t possible do. Even though I try to explain to my son what he’s doing, it’s too hard for a 12 year old to comprehend. My son is withdrawn, angry and scared. He won’t talk to me very much, so I don’t exactly know what he’s thinking or how to help him.
How can I help my son (and daughter eventually) not suffer? Has anyone had any similar experiences? My biggest fear is that my son will just give in to my ex and do what he says to keep the peace ”¦ to get positive attention from his dad. The worst case scenario would be my son moving in with him when he’s 14 (something that my ex is working on because he knows it will hurt me). How much should I tell my children? How can I help them? We already have a pact that anything that happens at our house stays between us ”¦ terrible, I know ”¦ but it’s the only way to keep them safe (emotionally).
Thanks for any advice I can get.
Elizabeth Conley
Matt,
“The fact that I was willing to share with him what my accomplishments had come to bear completely eluded him.”
Boy can I relate! My husband and I really wanted the S to succeed in his own right. I idealistically believed that if given a chance, he’d become productive and successful. My loving husband humored me, although he wasn’t so naive. We’d given people a leg up before, and were more than willing to help him. Too bad the S wasted money, energy and time being exploitive and abusive instead engaging in personal growth to become productive.
eyeswideshut
Matt, It is easy for us to keep trying, if we are “taken” by or with a P, to keep trying to stuff them into the “normal” box. Try not to beat yourself up. Perhaps if you hadn’t done the trip to Greece, you would have ended up thinking it was just a “normal” failed relationship, and not gotten to the true grit of the situation. Bitter but valuable lesson.
I am still pndering the “reactive vs proactive” concepts you raised in an earlier post. A good insight. Really have no idea which way I work. Much food for thought.
You sound like you are in a strong healing phase. Kudos to you.
Rosa
Elizabeth:
So, “enmeshed” is unhealthy and “close” is healthy.
Is that a good way to break it down?
kat_o_nine_tales
Hi again peoples.. nice to see so many familiar names still here. I have got to the point where sometimes reading this stuff just makes me tired and sad now, so I’ve kinda been avoiding. But I wanted to let you all know I’m still alive, and doing pretty well too. I have stayed away from guys, though still have had a hard time getting over the ONE guy, and am now back to dating the very nice man who I should have stayed with in the first place 😛
kat_o_nine_tales
I mean I stayed away from them for a year, but the guy I am dating now hasn’t got a narcissistic bone in his body, and I have known him two years, so I think we’re gonna be good.
hens
Hi Ya kat……I just want to say Hello – thanx for logging in, i do wonder about some of my ole friends, happy you are doing well………….henry
James
Elizabeth Conley
Thanks for the break down and samples of enmeshment and the meaning of spousification. The sample of enmeshed vs. close helped a lot and many of us can become confused and/or state that they only want to be more involved with a person’s life but are in fact “taking over” and/or controlling the person and/or events in that person’s life, but believes they are helping nourishing and not hurting the person. Parents sometimes can have a very hard time distinguishing between the different of enmeshment and closeness.
Elizabeth Conley
Rosa,
“So, “enmeshed” is unhealthy and “close” is healthy. Is that a good way to break it down?”
For many people if not most, probably. If you’ve slipped up and found yourself enmeshed, then healthy/unhealthy probably isn’t enough for you. You need to really think about where the boundary between healthy/unhealthy is.
Further, there are unhealthy relationships that aren’t enmeshed. Enmeshed is just one type of unhealthy. There are others.
Elizabeth Conley
Enmeshed is a pattern of behavior between two people that inhibits growth and infringes on the privacy of one or both of the people involved.
You’ve probably heard of “Mother Enmeshed Men”, right? These are adult men whose Mom’s are still sorting their socks and setting up their “playdates”.
A loving mother would have encouraged her son to become an adult in his own right. A healthy son would have rebelled against the incursions into his privacy and autonomy. SeewhatImean?
Having Mom’s laundry service and unconditional support doesn’t make up for having her intrude into every aspect of his life. Further, mothering has remained a full time job for Mama. She has no time for quilting bees or hang gliding lessons. She’s still s-mothering, long after it makes any sense.
Elizabeth Conley
James,
You’re welcome. Avoiding becoming enmeshed hasn’t been hard before that incident with the S, but the experience taught me a lot.
I coulda saved myself a lot of pain if I’d have realized early on that the infuriating, frustrating necessity of all but changing his undies and socks for the S was a huge RED FLAG! It won’t happen again.