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By | January 26, 2014 64 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: How to discourage the psychopath in your life

Editor’s note: The following was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “LouAnn.” She had no choice but to deal with a psychopath.

1.    Psychopaths need stimulation. They like “fireworks.” Don’t give it to them. Either do not respond to them at all, or give them very calm, professional responses. This is called “non-reward” and it will become much less fun to bully you.

2.    When you do respond, respond slowly. Psychopaths need instant gratification. Making them wait for your response is not fun or stimulating for them.

3.    Consider not telling them about the damage they have done. They may be secretly finding glee from hurting you if they are in revenge mode, or may find satisfaction from completing some other agenda. Don’t give them that satisfaction.

4.    Find out where THEY are vulnerable. For example, they may have narcissistic tendencies and want to appear a certain way to certain groups of people. A threat of damage to that may be enough to make them back down. My psychopath likes to work with the police departments and hospitals as an expert. A restraining order slapped on him might not completely stop him from bothering me, but he knows a restraining order would embarrass him, so just the threat of that has made him back down in some ways.

5.    Pray for them. They are haunted by many demons and intense prayer can make a difference.

 


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sistersister

Now here’s a separate observation, which is running through my head at 2 a.m. I wonder if this sounds familiar to anybody.

Black Widow, whom I believe to be a sociopath, actually runs from constructive solutions. She even tried to rationalize her way out of my offer of access to some high-level Manhattan attorneys. These guys are history makers. The mere chance to get close to one of them should have had her manipulating me to get there — not arguing against it. (I refused to introduce her if she didn’t clean up some her act with the do-it-yourself “affidavits” and dramatic episodes.)

Instead, she has no interest in that. None at all. Not even with millions of dollars potentially on the table as her reward.

She’s more interested in manipulating our mutual friend, probably for emotional reasons. I guess spaths seek their thrills in different ways. This one has no interest in money, believe it or not. She gets off on power alone.

Black Widow controls my friend by some kind of grounding in a powerful experience — his former friendship with her dying husband. I’ve never heard anyone hear speak of that “anchoring” technique, but I hardly think it’s rare for a spath to do that. It’s even mentioned in dating books as a way to make a relationship succeed: Get them going back to the same pleasurable memory, again and again. (Kind of cheap advice, but it can also be natural and honest.)

I believe my friend is very suggestible that way. He tried to take those trips down Memory Lane with me, and while I found it nice, I wasn’t quite so distractible from the present moment and its problems.

Besides, I believe he’s more likely to be the patsy in that game than the master of it.

If I had been more into “anchoring,” and of a spath turn of mind, I might have manipulated the heck out of him. I wasn’t interested in that, not even to get him to go to rehab. Stupid me, honest to the end!

Black Widow isn’t so ethical.

What does she get out of this? She loses every battle as the “lone nut” out there trying to clean up her husband’s posthumous reputation. She stated to me that she looked forward to losing, “lol.” Excuse me, “laughing out loud” at losing the battle? Extreme victimhood behavior, going for that same “reward” long past its ability to gain her anything important. What she gets is control over our friend, dinging that little bell in her own pleasure center. The rat keeps going for the cheese.

I went “no contact” on her first, then him. Because if he’s controlled by that, he’s as good as gone anyway. Black Widow’s game is stronger than tequila, for sure. I pointed out to him recently that he has a thing for people who are “lost causes.” (I’m not a total loser, so he just lies about helping me.)

Anyone ever experience this? (1) A spath who wins by losing and even gleefully loses out on money if it means tripping off some other pleasure center in their brain; and (2) A game of “anchoring” people in intense memories. When it’s time to tell the truth and be in the present moment, the spath escapes to that beautiful sunset you watched together. Alternatively, they bring up the time you helped your dying friend, her husband.

What is especially chilling for me is that I am lying awake wondering if that’s what really did her husband in. He had an absolute devotion to this woman, I’ve heard. He loved a spath who made him feel great for being the righteous martyr. So addicted to drama that she basically killed him. And I wanted to help Black Widow! I HAVE helped her, already. It feels so creepy. . . . And now I get to feel creepy about not rescuing my friend from her. But he’s, yes, a “lost cause” himself now. I am absolutely heartbroken and inconsolable at this. An alcoholic, yes. A bad person, no. He’ll be dead before the year is out.

The silver lining in all this is, for me, and only for me: I tripped off this whole conflict by being generous, insightful, loving, enthusiastic, and turned on. It sort of dislocated something in the whole sick dynamic. Boy oh boy, do the animals in this nightmarish zoo let you know about it when you stop feeding them negative vibes! The challenge is not to get dragged back down into it just to shut them up.

sistersister

Any experiences with “anchoring” out there?

Stargazer

Sistersister, I know this sounds selfish, but you need to put yourself first and not the friend who is being manipulated. Keeping all of this drama going in your own life will bring you down. If I were in your position, I would just cut them all out.

I believe giving and receiving are exactly the same. They are two sides to a coin. If you are giving to someone who can really appreciate you and receive the gift readily, then the giving benefits both of you equally. However, if the person cannot receive it and puts up roadblocks, then the giver will become drained and will eventually feel resentful that they are not appreciated. So….move on and give to someone who sees the value of what you have to offer, with no reservation. It is not your job to save everyone in a bad situation. Some people are not ready or do not want to be helped. Why spend precious energy on them?

I have noticed that for every dramatic relationship I cut out of my life, several new people or experiences move in to fill the gap. I don’t miss the negative people at all. Nor the drama.

4Light2shine

Sistersister, I just read a few of your posts. While I can’t remember the term anchoring specifically before, I do have a few thoughts that may be helpful and hopefully relevant. One of the sites that was very informative to me is called decisionmakingconfidence or something close. There are some really solid ideas that are similar to what you are explaining here. Some have to do with ways that cult leaders and other psychopaths use to guide and influence decisions covertly. NLP I believe, is the term that describes some of the guided, trance-like states that these masters of manipulation use. All of this falls into some kind of hypnotism or mind control but not necessarily in the Hollywood portrayal. I think that the psychopathic “bond” that many experts including Dr. Robert Hare speak of is made up of several of these techniques. I can tell you that while I was dating the sociopath playing the role of my wife that I had two separate encounters that I firmly believe now were some kind of trance-like states that she guided me through. I can tell you that both times it was crystal clear that I suddenly was coming out of a state of feeling completely unaware of the people around us. It felt like the conversation we were having was so incredibly authentic and spoke to the depths of my soul. I felt completely safe. It was beyond pleasant. As I was reconnecting with the realization that I was sitting at an upscale bar and that I had lost myself for several minutes of our conversation she both times claimed to have shared the experience with me. We were so engrossed in the conversation that everyone else disappeared. I even told friends about it. This was the most incredible connection I had ever had. Not so much. By the way I know how all this stuff and the sheer scope of it all can be exhausting. It takes it’s toll. That disenfranchised mentality is exactly what many of those looking to groom others and to hook them into these cults are looking for. At least that’s what I’ve read. Hope some of this helps.

sistersister

Interesting, and thanks for the reply. I didn’t have those experiences with these two individuals, but I must admit being fairly charmed-to-death on a couple of occasions by the alcoholic I consider more of a victim than a perpetrator. We just had a certain chemistry. I’m not willing to join him in his demise at the hands of a spath; that’s the only reason I’m bailing.

I haven’t heard of NLP being used in this unethical manner before. It also has legitimate uses and is more than just a method of putting the hard sell on someone. Perhaps in the wrong hands it can be a powerful manipulative tool.

This experience of being so turned on that time seems to stand still has happened to me in prior encounters with other people. Usually, I’m the one calling it out while others fall for it. I now say, If music plays when somebody enters the room, and you are not in a Broadway production of “Hello Dolly,” that’s a red flag.

I do remember, though, one time 15 years ago when I had such an intense experience of meeting a man that I was on Cloud 9 the whole next day. A mutual friend said he had witnessed in us a “certain meeting of the minds.” It was a really manipulative, sociopathic set-up that I believe his church was behind. (The church asked not to be identified as Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, so OK, you didn’t hear it from me.) It was a cult, pure and simple. Just because it doesn’t send people to a camp in California doesn’t mean it isn’t a cult. It was the only experience I ever had with an organization of spaths all banded together in a common purpose. Anyway, I felt I had somehow failed when he went into a rage, saying our breakup was basically my fault, not his, for not accepting Jesus.

Thanks for pointing out how an encounter with a spath can exhaust someone so much. It’s a feeling of being completely blown out. When I’m having a conversation and feel vaguely exhausted from it, yet I can’t pinpoint the reason, I know it’s suspicious.

Grace-

In response to your question regarding whether sociopaths are ever caught in a “betrayal bond”….. sociopaths are parasites. They have no deep abiding affections. They simply attach themselves to a supply of whatever they want or need. When the well runs dry, they’re off to the next host.

Sister-Sister-

You’d mentioned a friend who you felt you needed to give up on because they could not be enlightened regardless of the efforts you made. Unfortunately, people are extremely resistant to changing their minds, no matter what level of pain they suffer. And advice of friends and family may not be viewed as “credible.”

Donna, myself, and many others have written our stories in order to help folks see the forest for the trees. While it’s not possible to put a subject expert in front of every resistant victim, it is possible to put the writings of someone who has lived through their circumstance in front of them. Involving your friend in a discussion on this site, or putting literature that could ring true for them into their hands, may open their thoughts in ways that may not, otherwise, succeed because books don’t feel like an argument, pressure or a confrontation. They are a passive source of information that a person can absorb at their will and at their own speed.

All the best-
Joyce

Kathleen

If only this type of abuse could be nipped in the bud, or even stopped before it gets a chance to start by tighting up on laws regarding these social predators, who search out victims to exploit for money, sex, an easy lifestyle without working for a living, a place to live for free etc. It’s fine for the current victim who’s been dropped to move on and forget if possible but what about the next victim and the next and the n………..We need to find a way to stop the suffering of normal, caring, loving human beings at the hands of these evil people. We’re advised not to expose them but, so long as we’re safe from harm, I think they should all be exposed as much as possible in an attempt to stop the suffering.

Kathleen,

I’m 200% with you that’s why I’m mounting an effort to do exactly that.

I’ve written my tale of rape by fraud and launched an effort to create criminal code on this behavior throughout the US. If you are interested in helping in your state, please log onto http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com. You will see how you can privately let me know your contact information. You can also register the information about the problem you faced and identify the offender.

Let me know if you have any difficulty doing so. Donna can put you in touch with me.

Joyce

Kathleen

Well done. I registered my email address. I live in England, but I will be following your blog. These people have to be exposed for normal people to be aware there are any frauds, liars and users out there.

LouAnn

Here is an article that is better than what I wrote. These are good suggestions if you can’t quite escape yet:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath

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