REGISTER | LOGIN
By | January 26, 2014 64 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: How to discourage the psychopath in your life

Editor’s note: The following was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “LouAnn.” She had no choice but to deal with a psychopath.

1.    Psychopaths need stimulation. They like “fireworks.” Don’t give it to them. Either do not respond to them at all, or give them very calm, professional responses. This is called “non-reward” and it will become much less fun to bully you.

2.    When you do respond, respond slowly. Psychopaths need instant gratification. Making them wait for your response is not fun or stimulating for them.

3.    Consider not telling them about the damage they have done. They may be secretly finding glee from hurting you if they are in revenge mode, or may find satisfaction from completing some other agenda. Don’t give them that satisfaction.

4.    Find out where THEY are vulnerable. For example, they may have narcissistic tendencies and want to appear a certain way to certain groups of people. A threat of damage to that may be enough to make them back down. My psychopath likes to work with the police departments and hospitals as an expert. A restraining order slapped on him might not completely stop him from bothering me, but he knows a restraining order would embarrass him, so just the threat of that has made him back down in some ways.

5.    Pray for them. They are haunted by many demons and intense prayer can make a difference.

 


64
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
jenni marie

It’s been a rough day for me. I need to get this out….

1-Psychopaths find their own stimulation. We don’t need to worry about ‘calm’ responses. We need to concentrate on having ‘NO RESPONSES’

2-There is no need to respond if you don’t have children with them. Making them ‘wait’ doesn’t sound like CUTTING THEM OFF to me, which I am trying to do now. 17 days NO CONTACT so far, but it does sound like making them wait is equal to keeping a back door open for them with an open invitation to walk on in.

3-We have already told them about the damage they have done, WHILE they were doing it! We cried, begged, got angry, explained, etc…and yes, they seem to like the heart ache on our face while we are doing it.

4-Who has the time to figure out what THEY are vulnerable to and why would we want to further provoke them anyway which keeps them in our lives that much longer?

5-Sure, pray for him. We DO care about people, remember? But the saddest truth is that they were made this way and IMO, no amount of praying will change THEM, but it may help you feel more at peace.

Maybe the 1-5 from LouAnn is good advice if you are walking out the door for the final time with all your stuff and they are home while you’re moving out, but it is not the best advice to have in your head AFTER you have gotten away from them.

It’s hard enough to stop thinking about all the what if’s and such, without having to worry about how to respond to them.

NO CONTACT is the only response you should allow yourself.

It’s like this: Spend every minute that you can working on getting them out of your mind and believe me, that is enough work in and of itself.

We cannot discourage them for they have no boundaries.

They don’t care if one single thing we do to try to discourage them from abusing us doesn’t work on them, because there is no end to their bag of manipulative tricks and they’ll just pull out another one and another one.

Be honest, after living through it and then reading about how sociopaths operate, we now know we have inadvertently given them so much ammunition about how to hurt us the deepest that to give them any more time to abuse us is self-torture.

No more sleeping with the Enemy.

GET OUT OF THE MIND GAME THAT THEY PLAY ON YOU.

STOP ASKING FOR HELP, AND THEN NOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THE ONLY ADVICE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE IS THE HARDEST THING OF ALL…..

GO NO CONTACT!!!!

While I work to get to day 30 of NO CONTACT, which is some imaginary milestone I’ve put on myself, I am going to try and keep talking to myself and survivors like myself as if I were my own best-friend. Without apology. I have to keep him out of my life and so do you. He hurt you.

Think this now:
I was hurt badly by a bad man and I need to love myself more than I ever thought possible right now and stay away from his abuse!

…..
I tried so hard to have a normal relationship with him. I never seemed to be able to keep my mouth shut most of the time when he would pull his BS on me, and I was compelled to point out a lot of things that he did that didn’t make sense having in a good relationship and could be eliminated if he would just make an effort.

And, or course my habit of actually letting words come out of my mouth when I speak, lol, yes true, (he didn’t like to hear my ‘opinions’) would send him down the list of sociopathic attack traits that I knew would happen if I ‘complained’, and I was as disappointed each time he attacked me, as I was the very first time he attacked me. He kept saying we need to learn how to communicate and offered his own suggestions on how I could try communicating with him in a way he could understand better and not feel frantic or like he was being “attacked”. I tried to form my requests for respect as delicately as possible including using some of his “suggestions” on how I might try improving on my ‘delivery’ of my requests (read: “complaints”) about how badly I think he was treating me.

What came out of all the efforts of better communication? A headache from banging my head against a Brick Wall named Michael.

He wouldn’t make any adjustments to his behavior and I made plenty sure of this judging by how much time I spent asking for him to make adjustments, with his encouragement all along by the way, on how we can make it better and have less fights.

I didn’t know I was on his never-ending amusement ‘pretending to care about making it better-land or nicer-land ride’, or that it was all a pathetic waste of time at the time to keep trying to find ways to talk to him about how important it was for me to be as respected back as I respected him.

How sick I must have looked to him while asking for the same things over and over expecting a different result. He’s always commenting on how people are so stupid.

He got my best effort at cooperation, but he has the traits of a Narcissistic Sociopath.

I knew my emotional state wasn’t as happy as it was before I met him for quite some time, and that just being in the same room with him meant that sooner or later he would be mean or rude or silent.

I have lied to myself that the times he hurt me physically wasn’t as serious as it was, and that it was just part of what was happening during that particular argument between us.

I know I should have kept him away from me after the first time it happened, but whatever it was we were fighting about at the time seemed fixable and nothing to have gotten so obnoxious about in the first place anyway, so naturally, I thought that he couldn’t get angry enough over that little of a thing in the future, so I let it go.

I’m not a quiet mouse and with him I have found that I tend not to back down when I am sticking up for myself while I’m attempting to tell him, while making perfect sense, what it is that I am not backing down about!!~ He despised the fact that he couldn’t get me to ‘shut up and listen to what he has to say’.

Yet, through all the BS I experienced with him day in and day out, get together’s and break up’s, I still woke up every morning as if there was a fresh chance for a better day than yesterday, no matter how awful yesterday was which made me keep trying to make things better with him no matter how crappy I began to always feel being around him waiting for his mood swings to happen.

Finally, after the last fight, he has used up the very last drop of my patience and my ability to find any thing that I actually like about him anymore.

It’s okay for me to give up on him now, and that it’s not He who is losing Me, It is Me who is losing his abuse.

We know the Spath went fishing for us. They found us. They lied to us. We had reactions to them that we’ve never had before and this made us feel things for them.

Yes, we ‘loved’ them. It was all just a trick on our Mind, and our Hearts fell for it Hook, Line and Sinker.

It’s been so hard for me today to stop thinking about the ‘illusion of me loving him’……but, I’m determined to be the Big Fish that ‘Got Away’.

It’s not ever going to get better with a sociopath. They will only learn how to push your buttons more effectively as the days go on and you will feel sicker with each passing moment of your life.

All day today, I have been having to remind myself that he was not good to me, he was not nice to me, he was sneaky, he played the disappearing act on me, he is a liar…..

It still feels like I am losing something good, but now I can accept this feeling as a temporary bummer, because the withdrawals from addictions are temporary.

What is going to take the most work and focus is AFTER the withdrawal symptoms have subsided and I have to learn to trust my own judgement of people and to not let my heart stay closed forever to possible future happiness with someone.

Time, Peace,
Jenni Marie

SociopathsSuck

Jenni Marie,

Most of what you said could have been written by me. I tried so many different approaches to discussing my issues with him…lol. I’m not a yeller but I tried it, just to see if it would make a difference. Nothing ever did. I’ve been out of that relationsham for 3.5 yrs now, thank goodness. It takes time but you will recover…and you will love again. If you keep your heart closed, then that evil douche-canoe won….and you can’t let him win. 🙂 <3

ps. I have a child with my ex-spath so I can't go totally no contact, unfortunately. But I have limited his ability to harass me in a big way and that's all I can do…til he's in the ground anyways. 🙂 Stay strong!

findingtruth

Hi, Jenni Marie.

I’ve been on this site for about 2-1/2 years and can say, for the most part, I am over the spath. The Lovefraud community is a fantastic group of individuals that help us to change in a dramatic and wonderful way! At the beginning of our journey we do not see the light. NO CONTACT is so incredibly hard to justify and accept, but it DOES work. It is the ONLY thing that works.

In reading your post today, it took me back to the beginning of my struggle to survive. So much of what you said was me. Your noting of “What came out of all the efforts of better communication? A headache from banging my head against a Brick Wall named Michael,” made my stomach churn. Those were my EXACT words and the situation identical. My spath, Michael, said the same thing about how I should communicate with him. Your Michael isn’t, by any chance, from the Pittsburgh area, is he?

Kathleen

I completely agree with you jenni marie. NO CONTACT (28 days for me so far) whatsoever is the only way to recover and get your own life back. Besides the stress of talking to a person who doesn’t behave in a normal way, you have to remember all the time – is he lying or telling the truth? – why is he never interested in my welfare? – he’s a fake anyway, there was never any love. Only associate with people with the same attitudes and behaviour as yourself, a normal person with empathy and true compassion and friendship. NO CONTACT also keeps you in a more relaxed state of mind. You don’t need to think – I must call him today or he will make me feel guilty etc. He stole my heart and broke my finances but the worst was pretending to love me, pretending to care then slandering me to everyone who will listen to him after he left when my money was gone. We were ‘together’ including marriage for 7 years and I have not dated anyone else so far. He is very promiscuous and gave me an STI. But – he tells people as soon as he left me I was already living with a man and that I threw him out. Both blatant lies. He’s a compulsive liar. I just feel so stupid at 63 years’ of age to have lost my lifesavings and heart to an evil creature.

grace

Jenni
wow!….thank you ….the trauma of my being in a relatonship with this sp…left me wanting to explain to someone what I have been in….but unable to find the words….hearing what you said was exactly what I experienced…”Trying to have a normal relationship…..compelled to point out things that didn’t make sense having, in a good relationship…asking for change…letting words come out of my mouth( complained)…would send him down the list of ‘sociopathic attack traits'”….OMG!!!!I would be trying express not wanting to be treated certain way…he would attack and say I caused it and should say things differently…every which way …came out to feeling of ‘Banging my head against a Brick Wall’ named E.W.!!!!

It has been so important to tell myself the truth…as he was always trying to minimize everything I said …or dismiss….I know I am not negative as a characteristic….I wake with passion for life and go do things!…I wasted a lot of time(7years) trying and I am determined to waste no more….

It is just so good to have my mind back….I used to say communication with him was a “twisty, miry, mess!!!”….which means…NOT possible….

Today I am choosing to be proud of myself for getting out…and for NO CONTACT…something I have never done or said to myself

thank you Jenni for putting words to the stuff inside I could not articulate!

Grace

aintgonnatakeitnomore

Grace, u GO, girl!!! u are not a negative person or anything else he told u! i am not either! nope!
no more time wasted!
…to having our TIME back ~~toast glasses~~
YAY 🙂

LouAnn

Hi Jenni Marie,

Thank you for the advice. BOY, I AM TRYING TO CUT THIS PERSON OUT OF MY LIFE. It involves some contracts to be signed. Then I will be gone FOREVER… to the sea…

I did not have a romantic relationship with this person, but apparently he thinks he did… he had been telling people I was his girlfriend. Very strange, can anyone explain that one?

Please pray he will sign the contracts I have drafted! He wanted to make some modifications to my contract that would involve him more. Your letter, Jenni Marie, reminded me to not back down and allow those modifications. Thank you!

Stargazer

Jennie Marie,

I think there are some situations where you could send them a very concise request not to ever contact you again, perhaps stating what the consequences will be if he does (if applicable). If it sounds like you mean business, some of them will go away. Mine did, mostly.

LouAnn

Stargazer, that might be a good approach with this particular person. I know your advice was to Jenni Marie, but it might work in mine. I will have to give it some thought. Thank you.

Jenni Marie – I should clarify. I believe LouAnn’s experience with a psychopath involved a business situation, not a romantic situation. It was someone who she had no choice but to deal with.

You are certainly right, however – in romantic situations when no kids or legal issues are involved, the best response is to end it and have no further contact.

onmyown

I’m not going to spend one minute of my life praying for the spath. I’m sorry if that offends anyone. Praying for him would keep me tangled up in thoughts of him, and I won’t do it. This is not based in anger or resentment – it’s based in cultivated indifference. I just don’t care about what happens to him anymore.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

I think onmyown, thats my take on it. i expend NO energy on the spath. NONE. Ever. Again. i mite shud be praying for him, but im pretty sure he’s subhuman…as much as i hate to admit that.
i am so indifferent to him, he calls and if i answer (one time out of ten maybe), i just dont care — one iota what he says, threatens (if he’s stupid enuff to threaten, he rly doesnt), or doesnt say. i hang up wen he starts whining or complaining, about anything in his life. i just dont give a hoot. it bores me.
gee, maybe i learned sumthin from him? :p

onmyown

What would I pray for anyway? That he miraculously be cured? It’s never going to happen. A swift trip to the county jail for all the illegal stuff he does? No thanks.

You’re at the same place I am. I don’t feel anything for him, except for the occasional vague sense of revulsion if I think about something he did to me in the past. I don’t think that’s abnormal. I just don’t want to waste my time and energy on anything involving him anymore.

I can relate to the boredom. Sociopaths are the most boring people on the planet once the mask drops and the excitement they artificially amp up is over. I used to sleep all the time from the sheer boredom of being around him. I used to feel some pity, soon changed to even more boredom, at listening to the constant complaining of someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t do a thing to positively help himself.

Kathleen

I totally agree about the boredom. I hadn’t thought of it when I was trying to work out what a socio was and feeling so depressed. When I think of the time spent on going boring places he wanted to, buying things he wanted to, talking about him and what he wanted. The victim role soon got boring too – everyday illness (fake), going to hospitals for checks to be told ‘we can’t find anything wrong.’ Moan, moan, moan. I did all the housework whilst he sat around or lay around watching tv or online and I paid for EVERYTHING. He only left me when my money was gone. He never asked how I felt, what I wanted to do. I feel the same as you onmyown – I don’t care anymore, I don’t want anything to do with him and if I do think of him it’s only to remember all the awful things he did to me. He’s boring and pathetic.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

are many spaths boring? that wasnt my experience at all.
the narc was a little boring as he is addicted to tv and i kinda hate tv, esp the STUPID stuff he wanted to watch or the horror crap WEN MY KIDS WERE AWAKE (can u say SELFISH ASS?!)
he didnt have any hobbies tho (at least that he wud actually DO) or friends rly…so he cud be boring that way. but he’s a thinker so we had quite indepth convos, if he wasnt being defensive. and im not a high maintenance person and i need alot of time to spend with kids or work if i have a job. i never need a guy to entertain me…well ideally sumone wud be available from like 8.30 to 11p weeknites to relate to, relax with, decompress lol…unless he related well to kids and cud be part of our doings in the evenings–without the stinkin tv!
i think the narc is depressive and i excused alot of things becuz of this…i mean if u ARE, GET HELP. no excuse for abusing me and the kids.
i wonder if spaths are depressive and so mite come off as boring?

onmyown

aintgonnatakeitnomore,

I’ve been around forums and blogs for 3 years now and I hear many of us talking about how dreadfully boring the spaths were. Is it universal? Probably not.

Mine didn’t have an original thought in his head. At first I thought he was clever, but then I came to realize that he takes things that other people say and uses them as his own. Intellectually there was just nothing there. It became impossible to have anything but the most basic conversation with him. He laid on the sofa for 6 months watching TV, refusing to work even though he was running out of money. Everything he watched was violent and stupid – Spike TV for 18 hours straight every day. I eventually made up excuses so that I could leave and just DO something.

Are they depressive? According to experts they can have co-morbid conditions but clinical depression isn’t typically one of them. I don’t think the ex-spath was depressed though I initially mistook it for that. I just think he’s flat when he’s not “on his game”. If there’s no profit for him in being upbeat, he just doesn’t bother doing it.

LouAnn

I know that not everyone believes in this type of thing… but you pray and bind demons in the name of Jesus. I can explain in more detail if you are interested.

AnnettePK

I pray for my ex P’s repentance, and for the healing of any physical components to his problems. I don’t expect nor rely on an expectation that he will repent and/or be healed. God doesn’t need my prayers to act. I pray because it’s good for me, and it’s about who I am as a person and my spirituality, not about the Psychopath. I pray regularly about a lot of other things, too, so it’s not an extraordinary issue. It’s part of my life.

Kathleen

When I pray I thank God for helping me with NO CONTACT with my ex. The way I see it – how could a sociopath be on God’s side anyway? My ex pretends to be, but obviously isn’t the way he behaves. How can you pray for a person like that? They are evil in my book. I don’t think you would be offending anyone onmyown

Stargazer

Onmyown, I don’t personally think it’s necessary to pray for the spath. I never did. All that is really required is that you can work through the anger and then purge it out of your system. You don’t want to remain bitter or to let that bitterness prevent you from opening your heart again.

I don’t pray for my ex, the spath. But neither do I hate him. I feel neutral toward him. In retrospect, he was another experience in my life – one that taught me a valuable lesson. Just another chapter in my life that has been closed. The closest I’ve gotten to praying for him is to feel some gratitude for the lesson he taught me. But it took me a long time to get there. And I only dated him for about 3 months. It is an active process to purge all the negativity out of your system after such a trauma. And IMO, you cannot do it alone but need some sort of spiritual help.

jenni marie

hi my LF peeps,

Thank You so much Miss Donna, for realizing that I am thinking about things I am dealing with solely as someone who doesn’t have any business dealings with and has no children with- him. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it must be dealing with protecting children from them, or having business with- them. My heart goes out to those that do. ~Jenni Marie

I kind of went on and on yesterday. I’m sorry. One minute, I am laughing at how long of a post I wrote, and the next minute, I am feeling embarrassed by it. Going on and on like that only feels good at the moment, but it doesn’t really change the situation. I’m glad that we can get some of this poison out of us on LF. ty

I’m moving to another part of the city in 5 more days, and I’m packing and cleaning after work, trying to move away before he shows back up.

He comes back around after our break-ups. He hasn’t stayed away more than 30 or so days at a time in the 3 1/2+ years with him. I would fall for the fake love thing, and somehow we would be back together. Not this time. He won’t know where I have moved to unless he goes through the trouble of following me home from work, so I’ll try my best to notice any cars following me and drive myself on over to the police substation a few miles away if I need to.

But right now, I am here getting things ready to move and I’m on pins and needles waiting for and expecting his inevitable knocks on doors and windows. I am so uptight and stressed out it’s ridiculous. I know I don’t have to open the door or talk to him, but I don’t like the way it makes me feel when he does that. Sometimes he’ll come back a couple hours later or wait until between 2-5am and knock on the bedroom window.

-The last time I saw him was 18 days ago.
-He called me 13 days ago to tell me he had a heart attack the day before. I wished him well and made sure he was able to contact his mother and hung up.
-He left me a voice mail 4 days ago to tell me he was out of the hospital, doing better and of course he was wondering how I am doing and he hopes it’s good.

“He’s Out” is all I really heard. It means that he could show up at any moment. I’m feeling scared again. Doors are locked. Apartment complex guard makes rounds every hour or I can call them if needed.

He has been so enraged before that he would foam at the mouth during an argument.
Would he dare try his tricks on me again, when he knows I’ll call him on his BS, which pisses him off?

Will he show up and risk getting himself all worked up telling me how it didn’t seem like I showed much love for him during his hour of need or even go to see him in the hospital when he knows I will say it’s because of the way he is and how he treated me the LAST TIME we were near each other? I doubt it, but I just don’t know.

Maybe this time he won’t come back if he thinks it might kill him.

I’m am sure he thinks I will take him back again and that he will love using his heart attack as some sick reason to try and manipulate me into never again voicing any displeasure with him because it might give him another heart attack. I can hear it now. Has anyone had one come back after a medical scare?

Thank you Miss Donna once again, for having LF available to us, because I feel like someone out there understands and doesn’t think I am crazy for rambling on about things that don’t make any sense to those who have not gone through it.

~~
this Michael is in the Sierra foothills, Calif and he’s on the loose is all I can say.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts with me as I try and get through this final break with-IT.

It was a relationsham. I’ve never heard this, but it fits.

~Time, Peace,
Jenni Marie

freedomfare

Just curious, did he really get a heart attack? You write as though he did but were you sure? One of their classical act is this heart attack thing or having some medical conditions. Also, you say he gets very angry and foam in the mouth. As far as I know, these are just acts. Yes, he sounds, acts, and feels very angry but the whole thing is calculated to achieve some specific result. It is just a realistic sort if acting.

As to the advice given in “How to Discourage the Psychopath in Your Life,” with due respect, I do not think the writer knows a real psychopath. People tend to label bad people as psychopaths just because they are bad. There are all sort of hurtful people out there but a psychopath is a class by himself. If you have ever known a psychopath, you would have known that there is in only two ways of being with him: total in or total out. If you think there is a third way, then you are definitely not dealing with a psychopath.

LouAnn

Hi Fredomfare, I don’t think all Psychopaths are exactly alike. Some kill people and animals, some don’t. Some get obsessed with fame and fortune, some don’t.

The person I am dealing with:

Enjoys manipulating people. He does this with negative consequences if he doesn’t get his way.

He enjoys breaking laws, had multiple identities, driver’s licenses, etc.

He schemes. It once took him three years to execute a plan of revenge on someone. He waited that long avoid detection. What he did was very illegal and dangerous to the other person. He dressed in black and waited for a thunderstorm to pull off his evil deed.

He has poisoned and killed quite a few animals, including people’s pets. He killed my neighbor’s dog because the dog was barking at him and alerting people to his presence. He did this in preparation to his plan to come onto the property at night.

I believe he is capable of killing people. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has.

I agree with you, OUT is where I am working at being with this person!

AnnettePK

I think any of them are capable of killing people and doing anything else that suits their motives without regard to harming others. Whether they do or not depends on whether they think they will get caught and whether they want to avoid the consequences. If they haven’t killed anyone yet, if it suited their motive to do so, they would. With respect to the psychopath I was victimized by, I realized that just because I didn’t know what he had or had not done in the past, doesn’t mean that he had not done a particular act.

Mia M

Jenni Marie I loved your long process rich comments and I praise your strength! It has been over a year since I got a restraining order and extricated the sociopath from my life. I have immersed myself in healing which has included learning to trust others again, learning to feel safe and believing that I can and will protect myself now and in the future. In the beginning of rebuilding my life I remembered some of the good things about him but as I formed a network with his prior victims and learned all that he had done to them over the years(even while playing the nice-guy-victim with me) any compassion or empathy I ever had for him has been extinguished. He is pure evil and thrives on hurting and annihilating others. No contact is the only way to go. He and people like him see any contact as a victory and a challenge. He stayed away from me for over a year and just recently began emailing me again. In those emails he tried to push all the buttons that worked during our relationship, guilt, shame, hurt, rage and blame. Because I had stayed away so long I could see what he was doing and did not get sucked in. Here is the most important thing about my comment: since I had not heard from him I let my restraining order expire and now I cannot get another one because I have no address for him. Lovefraud peeps do not let your restraining order expire. I assume he knew about restraining order limits as he has had restraining orders filed against him in the past and he just waited until the order expired and I finally started to believe that maybe it was over.

People would ask me if I had heard from him and when I would say, “No but I know he is still out there and I am still at risk”, they would sometimes look at me with pity as if I was trying to hold on to this insanity. I know how he works, I know what he did to his exes, and I know that he will continue to blame me as long as he is breathing. If I can ever track him down law enforcement will serve the restraining order, an attorney will let him know the consequences of contacting me. He is lucky I do not pray from him because what I would pray for would not be his healing but his demise. He is beyond healing, he does not believe there is anything wrong with him, it is always everyone else’s fault. I have been so grateful to this website and to his prior victims who have been very sweet to me (we have had some healing chuckles over his tall tales). I may sound bitter in regards to praying for him but it was my compassion and empathy that got me into this mess and he will not get one more ounce of kindness from me. I have plenty for others but none for him.
I have also learned that the court system is very weak and you are your own best advocate. I have grown much stronger in this process and now do not let attorneys or judges bully me into the easy way out. I do not accept their opinions on my safety as most have no idea what I am up against. He has gone to court so many times and walked because of how he presents himself, how articulate he is and his fake humility. Luckily he has broken so many laws now there are warrants for his arrest in two states. You would think that would be enough to lock him up but he still usually walks. Recently someone asked me how someone in my field did not see the signs, how he got past me. All I can say is that he is good and that I chose to ignore the red flags that were dropping all around me: the two ex wives, no friends, no job, no home, no family support, and a history of legal involvement. All I saw was the wounded spirit with the beautiful heart who had been mistreat by others and for some strange reason would not advocate for himself. Yuck, makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of how naïve I was. I could not see any secondary gain in him lying to me, I did not know that I was the prize, my home, my wallet, my trust. He, too, is a narcissist and he loved how much I believed in him. He loved that I bought his fake persona so completely. When the façade started to crumble and I began to see the man behind the curtain he started to change and threaten me. He blackmailed me for the last eight months of our relationship. The day I filed that restraining order was extremely pain on some levels but personally it was the day I reclaimed myself and began the healing process.

LouAnn

Mia M, I would be interested in any advice on obtaining a restraining order or personal protection order. I have tried to get one, but the court intake person thought that I did not have enough provable stuff to make a RO stick.

Most of the illegal stuff he has done he has not been caught at. All I have is a pile of letters from him, a boatload hearsay information from other victims, and my personal testimony. I live in Georgia.

Since we never lived together and were not in a romantic relationship, it actually makes it harder to get a RO or PPO. In Georgia, it is required that had lived with the person to get a Personal Protection Order. I think that law needs to be changed!

I would be interested in anyone’s advice on how to get some sort of Restraining Order.

AnnettePK

You might consider other avenues of legal protection than a restraining order. If he is trespassing, stealing, or stalking, can you effectively report those crimes so that he is arrested and charged?

Can you swear out a warrant or report the crimes he has already done? Can you go to small claims court to get a judgment to recoup any of your losses?

Whatever you do, consider what is in your overall best interest. Sometimes it’s better for us to walk away and recover our lives without trying to get justice.

LouAnn

Yes, I have been reporting everything to the police. I am going to start a log of his behaviors in a stitch-bound book. This, apparently, can be submitted as evidence legally. I bought a security camera system and have it half-installed right now. I should be able to get the other four cameras running in the next week or two. If I catch him on video, that will be admissible, I think.

Viewpoint

Dear Jenni,
By all means, use this forum to, in your words, “ramble on”. Lots of things are pounding in your head and heart which need and understanding ear. Here is where you will find those ears.
You sound conflicted…Nothing wrong with that: It’s the norm with a fresh break up. And with that, there is the shifting nature which is understandably illogical: Certain that he’ll be back to dog you, then asking if they come back after a medical scare… You going through torment. It’s peculiar, isn’t it: That you can’t access that “like hell” determination you had for the crap that made you raw enough to say “I’m done”. Would that it stayed fresh for a long while, right?
You’ve gotten past the first hurdle (Saw it as it was: Unpleasant, to say the least.)and now you’re at the next hurdle: This one about coping after the rawness has worn off. Everyone whose been where you are can offer you their tips and you can try those on for their usefulness to you. Mine are these: 1)Know that at any moment, you could have him back: Of course, he’s available to you. And remember this when you a wave of anxiety comes crashing upon you. Then, give yourself one hour doing something (anything) other than ruminating about him/the relationship. After an hour, you can do what you want…. even call him. Giving yourself this power and this stop gap can do a lot to quell your nerves. 2)Get a counselor stat: You owe you someone who does responsive listening. If ever you needed responsiveness, it is now. You are doing a BIG THING, you’re out to transform your life and going up against parts of you that aren’t all in line with this project. In order not to sell out, don’t sell yourself short: Pay for that responsivity. 3) LOL: Medical scare or the real deal of a heart attack, imagine yourself with an old man. Old men smell. You got to have a lot of good reasons to love the guy to put up with that. 4)Watch that channel “Investigation Discovery” for all the partner killer stories… to remind yourself that this could have been you because you’ve had a rabid, foaming at the mouth, partner. 5) When you start second guessing yourself about what you said/did that (ostensibly) went into his tizzies, ask yourself just this: Do you want to be with someone who brings out the worst of you or the best in you? If you had to stand your ground on your opinions, it wasn’t the right fit. Relationships that function smoothly, don’t have too many occasions where we must opine and do so tenaciously. That’s not to say that there isn’t differences in opinion at times or there isn’t conflict but if it’s frequent, it just isn’t enough of a natural meeting of the minds. You can get a better fit… and then be saved seeing the worst of yourself come out. (No doubt, Mother Theresa had a worst, too.)
If it’s any consolation to you, after this hurdle, you’ve just got two more to go and you’re done: You’ve done the life changing transformation. You’re 28% through the process. Not bad… not bad at all. Give yourself credit.
PS: There are some thoughts/doubts/ruminations to put on the back burner for now until you have a perspective from solid footing. Grant yourself that favor.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i think this was an excellently thot out post, viewpoint.
maybe its cuz im a step by step person but it made alot of sense to me.
its quantifiable progress. bring it! 🙂

Brit Mae

After receiving so many unsolicited emails from G in the last few days (I’ve blocked him from my phone), and a ‘threat’ to ring me at work – he knows most of my colleagues, I broke my no contact rule to send him an email which read
“G
I want no further contact with you”
B.

Can’t make it much clearer than that…I was just annoyed that I had to break my no contact rule in the hope he won’t ring work…if he does I will simply and quietly hang up the phone.
Thanks to all of you who’ve helped me through what could have been a worse situation, being the empath I am, I would have stayed in this relationship way too long to try to fix this cold, calculating guy that I initially thought had been so misunderstood by other partners of his. If I hadn’t have done my internet research as to what was wrong with my relationship I may never have come across this site.

THANKS lovely people – hope you’re all spath-free!

Brit.

onmyown

I think it’s okay to break no contact to make it perfectly clear one time, and one time only, that they stop bothering you.

Keep that email with the headers. If he continues contacting you then you can go talk to the police about harassment.

Tea Light

I agree with the posters who are reminding readers of how essential it is to avoid any non-legally mandated contact with a personality disordered person. No Contact -for survivors who have no children or legally binding agreements with a disordered partner, and Limited Contact – for survivors who mandated by the courts to facilitate access to children. These have always been the golden rules of the LF community.

I found the site a year ago. My ex partner is a textbook Borderline personality and as is common with Cluster B disorders, he also is high in traits of narcissism and for good measure is sexually deviant. I was seduced into a fraudulent relationship, was criminally assaulted, and suffered a breakdown ( as any one who I spoke with here 12 months ago might recall!). This man continues to harass me, every month there are new attempts to manipulate me back into contact.

I Do. Not. Respond. Ever.

I cannot stress enough how implementing and maintaining No Contact has helped me. It gave me a sense of purpose, day by day. It gave me a sense of acheivement, when my self esteem was on the floor. And most importantly it gave my mind respite from exposure to my abuser’s pathology. Being around pathology can make sane people crazy. I suffered panic attacks, derealisation, wept all the time when I was in the relationship. My body knew he was a danger to me. My mind caught up with accepting that fact when I went No Contact and regained, day by day, my sanity and self preservation instincts.

If you fall off the NC wagon ( I did, 3 times, thinking begging him to stop harassing me might work. It made it worse) just dust yourself off and get back on. Immediately.

Peace and love to all of you. Stay No Contact.

stopbuggingme

I do pray for him and all that are on this earth with us who are like him. That they will find some peace and leave me, my children, and all my loved ones alone. That their sickness will be healed and not spread about this earth so that all can live in peace and feel loved.

AnnettePK

That is a prayer that frees you; it benefits you. If he wanted it to benefit him, it would; but being a psychopath he doesn’t make that choice.

Thank you for sharing it.

The Bible instructs us to pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:44) because it benefits us and strengthens our relationship with God. It doesn’t mention any benefit to the enemy we pray for.

1 John 5:16 tells us not to pray for someone whose sin is beyond forgiveness. The only sins that are not pardonable are when one does not want to change and does not want to be forgiven; which is a hallmark of sociopaths – they don’t want to change, they don’t care if what they’re doing is wrong and hurts others. They can’t be forgiven because they don’t repent (change, and ask for forgiveness.

It’s a matter of discernment whether to pray for them or not.

somebodysdream

Ditto. After no contact for 3 years and not dating anybody I started to get my confidence back. Life was amazing. When I thought I was ready for a relationship, I met this kind, intelligent, success story of a man. Guess what? A fabulous date and after that intimidation and booty calls. Dejavu.
I thought initially we were just getting in synch putting all the difficulties on me being over cautions from the previous relationship. If it does not feel good. First red flag. Get out!

aintgonnatakeitnomore

yeah first red flag, goodBYE
mite be me being overcautious, but IT MITE NOT.
no ones worth being in hell.

grace

I am wondering with the betrayal bonds…if they are also formed with the spath person?…through all the trauma they create are they mentally and emotionally bonded too????

sistersister

Hey, good point. Check my second of two long posts below. You’re onto something. Is the spath also ensnared in the “betrayal bond”? Hmmm. I mean, yeah. They’re addicted to playing the game again and again. Rat goes for cheese; repeat. The strange detail of the story I tell is that my “Black Widow” actually stands to LOSE a chance at money by playing for other kinds of “points.” . . . It occurs to me that that’s why we often observe them being really, really stupid, inept, losing more than they gain even as they succeed exquisitely at causing damage and drama. They just don’t see outside their narrow field of vision: cheese, cheese, cheese.

sistersister

I mean the third one. Hee hee. I get a little verbose here! . . . See the “Black Widow” story, below.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

oh MY
I think u’ve nailed it
this is my babydaddy spath
WOW

sistersister

Thanks! For telling me I’m not just imagining things.

AnnettePK

Sociopaths don’t bond. They don’t see any difference between a person and an object. They get addicted to what they get from their victims, such as money, shelter, drama, pain (they are sadistic), and duping delight.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

so theyre as addicted to us as we are to them!
no wonder theres all that getting back 2gether drama.
its not love requited finally, its the hit craved for so long, rushing into their system, filling their identity-voids.
wonderful, i am a crack-rush :\

well, makes sense, regardless. life is unfair sometimes. thats life.

AnnettePK

They are addicted to the things that they can get from their victims. They don’t bond to a particular person. When a sociopath doesn’t get what he wants from one victim, he can easily move on to another victim without any regrets.

Yes, we victims are just supply to them.

sistersister

Skype messaging conversation with someone, surreal. Nothing like watching a sociopathic conversation in slow-mo. I even pointed out to this woman I was speaking with that she was a sociopath, and she seemed to have no response to that. Chilling. I immediately blocked her. She’s was married to someone famous who died (and I think she had more than a little to do with that, not murder, but leading him into absolute ruin while pretending to be the victim as well). And rumored to be a little nuts. Wrong: Not crazy at all — perfectly in control of her manipulations. I blocked her.

Here’s the interesting part, if there is one: She has been manipulating a mutual friend of ours, who is an alcoholic. I tried to talk some sense into him, but he’s too far gone. She used his grief over the death of her husband, his friend, to build an alliance with this man.

Her late husband was involved in something controversial and took a heroic stand against being bullied around publicly. She says she’s continuing the fight, but honestly? I am beginning to wonder if she was planted by his enemies, to destroy him. I want absolutely nothing to do with anyone even remotely tainted by that suspicion.

There’s no talking another person out of dealing with a sociopath, is there? The spath just turns everyone they have contact with into monster versions of themselves. It happened with my aunt, a sweet, soft person married to a complete spath.

This woman is going on a rampage as I write this, going after another friend of mine, who sees right through her. I told her basically to take a hike, blocked her immediately, and have heard in the past few hours that she’s calling up everyone, to no avail. I am the one with the trusted reputation, not her.

But how to talk to someone who is still in the control of a sociopath? Because this other guy doesn’t get it. He was so close to her late husband, he can’t disconnect. I just yelled at him. NO WAY am I going to let him treat me with disrespect, just because this person has control over him. That’s not him, that’s the spath speaking through him. I’m standing firm, feeling absolutely nothing for the spath, but intense failure over trying to save this man from the she-tiger. Support out there? Help!

aintgonnatakeitnomore

well ive never tried to tell the spath he was one. was waaay past caring wen i figured it out.
trying to tell the narc he had NPD got me blameshifting, projecting and even a bit of namecalling. so, not productive. not surprising, mind you, but of no value.
if they are wat they are, they wont recognize it — or care, if they do recognize it.
its wat makes them disordered.
and u can only educate someone who’s caught in the lie of abuse. u can’t “shake them” into disconnecting. u can be consistent in ur support of them wen they vent to u or cry out for help (even if they dont take the help u offer–to leave) and u can be consistent in wat the solution is–to leave COMPLETELY.
but u cant save them, only they can. wen theyre ready. otherwise, it’s a exercise in futility.
u are not failing him, u are maintaining ur boundaries while repeatedly offering the life preserver to the drowning man or woman. (not getting angry at *them*, not shouting, would work better). if they bat the preserver away and even get angry at u for throwing it in their reach, u just keep tossing it back at opportune/teachable moments…wen u notice their weariness or despair.
its heartrending, but if they want to sink, we can do no more.

Dave

Telling them only enrages them more, because your pointing out a flaw and they fear being flawed or at fault, and will instantly tell you its all your fault or that your the one with the disorder.

The few who actually realize something is wrong and want help are the only ones who may be worthy of staying in a relationship with, and even then it will still be rough.

Out of There

Do the very best you can to GO NO CONTACT. Pat yourself on the back for every day that you are NC. It is difficult at first, but you have all of us that will be your support and cheer you on. I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderful these people have been for me. I truly thought I was the only one with a crazy ex. I would think in my head “This can’t be happening to me” all the time. I had a really hard time, but with God’s grace, prayers, family far away, friends and this very special place, I am much better today.

They want control. Don’t give it to them. Love yourself more. You can do it.

Kathleen

I agree totally Out of There. You can start to reclaim your life for YOU. You can’t reason with them and they continue to lie and cheat so respect yourself as a normal person and stay away. Run away! It’s 35 days for me now and I’m feeling better each day. I’ve had texts and even phone calls with nobody speaking then hanging up. It’s tempting to try to find out what the S/P is up to now, but just remember they’re fakes anyway. I imagine eventually everybody leaves them, both friends who trusted them and usually the many lovers who also trusted them. Instead of giving the benefit of the doubt for 7 years I should have trusted my instincts. I was trying to defend myself when he shifted the blame to me instead of sticking to the point – his lies etc.

sistersister

I don’t know if all these responses are to my comment . . . I agree that one must get “out of there” when faced with a sociopath. My question, which at least one person responded to, was how to talk to someone else who is in a sociopath’s lair without realizing it.

Actually, the clear response to my question was the person who said you can only stick by them and wait for a teachable moment, throw them the life preserver, watch them wave it away, throw it again. It would have been wonderful to have that opportunity. However, he responded so ridiculously, so pompously, that I realized he was part of the problem rather than the clear victim. He was still trying to lure me back to him — and the she-spath who was controlling him — even as of this morning.

That’s when I went “no contact” on HIM, the victim of the spath. Not a happy ending. I left him in the cage with the tiger, and intend for that decision to be final.

Kathleen

Hi sistersister. That is the frustration for me – trying to help the current and future victims. I tried and succeeded with one victim, but only because I knew her address. He said she was his ‘friend’s’ wife. Later I found out, to my embarrassment, she isn’t even married. She wouldn’t believe me. She thought she was being clever buying airline tickets for my husband, paying for everything for him, his phone, his (always failing) African business and committing adultery with my husband (we’re separated now thank goodness). Trouble is she didn’t know he had many more victims at the same time. He gave me a Christmas card and present, told me he had to work away for 3 weeks through Christmas and New Year and went straight to her (and others when she wasn’t looking). He is a really, really good liar and very manipulative. 2 months’ later I received a letter from her. She said ‘your warning at Christmas came too late – he owes me at least 1,000 euros plus breaking my heart when he gave me the silent treatment when I didn’t have more money to give him.’ Which was the same way he treat me. She said she feels stupid now. She’s a teacher and very intelligent but he fooled her. She said, in retrospect, she noticed how important money is to him. He saw her big house and 2 cars and pretended to love her. She found him a job but he only lasted a few days. He wanted her to pay for everything and him not work, just like I did. He never contributed one penny in 7 years and I was foolish enough to let him. Another woman he was with also put money in his bank account and said they could live together. I know her email address etc. but they are still in touch and she probably still believes him. If I tried to warn her, she would go straight to him and believe his lies against my truth. The ‘teachable moment’ is all you can wait for, but if they don’t contact you how do you know when they’ve realised the fake has stolen their hearts, money etc.? I am now in contact with his ex mistress. We compare notes and the amount of lies are ridiculous. He told her I’m a real bitch. Then came back to me and told me the same about her. We can be strong for each other. I bear no grudges against her even though I’m his wife and she’s only one of many of his mistresses. This is because I see them all as victims of a nasty internet (dating sites/social media) predator. We should be able to go to the police to stop the never ending chasing and lying to innocent victims of this awful unfeeling man.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

I totally agree with that decision. If the victim is acting spath-y then pull out. If he were in the water and headed for a whirlpool in spite of ur best efforts, u would start rowing away while u have time, or u would be dragged down with him.
EACH person is responsible for himself. We can offer help, but we have to step back wen it becomes dangerous for us, esp if we have other responsibilities. And even if we dont there’s nothing romantic/heroic about suicide, once the hero/heroine’s body lies cold dead. Romeo and Juliet were about 15yo and STUPID children, not romantic. The Viking warrior’s wife, once he had gloriously died in battle, slept alone & cold, struggling to raise his children alone ~bleh~ Living is the true heroic act.

sistersister

Yes, as hard as that decision is to stick with, I’m helped by the fact that he is also the victim of a sociopathic social movement as well. I have been in the awkward position of reporting his activities to other friends in our work. In effect, I have been betraying him, but I have been firm about wanting no part of this other movement’s schemes. His penchant for falling for sociopaths has put me at risk of association with these people, and yet he kept defending it. I’m not going back to his constant proselytizing for this movement.

I had a thought this morning that if I could expose the “anchoring” technique being used on him, he might wake up. But I have lost all will to do anything.

I’m feeling physically ill, and I realize that it’s because of being under constant “psychic attack.” I just want to go somewhere, I don’t know, anywhere. . . . Join an organic farm or a commune or something, and just escape this horrible, narcissistic, cannibalistic, trivial city and even country. There is nothing good left. No room for me.

sistersister

Now here’s a separate observation, which is running through my head at 2 a.m. I wonder if this sounds familiar to anybody.

Black Widow, whom I believe to be a sociopath, actually runs from constructive solutions. She even tried to rationalize her way out of my offer of access to some high-level Manhattan attorneys. These guys are history makers. The mere chance to get close to one of them should have had her manipulating me to get there — not arguing against it. (I refused to introduce her if she didn’t clean up some her act with the do-it-yourself “affidavits” and dramatic episodes.)

Instead, she has no interest in that. None at all. Not even with millions of dollars potentially on the table as her reward.

She’s more interested in manipulating our mutual friend, probably for emotional reasons. I guess spaths seek their thrills in different ways. This one has no interest in money, believe it or not. She gets off on power alone.

Black Widow controls my friend by some kind of grounding in a powerful experience — his former friendship with her dying husband. I’ve never heard anyone hear speak of that “anchoring” technique, but I hardly think it’s rare for a spath to do that. It’s even mentioned in dating books as a way to make a relationship succeed: Get them going back to the same pleasurable memory, again and again. (Kind of cheap advice, but it can also be natural and honest.)

I believe my friend is very suggestible that way. He tried to take those trips down Memory Lane with me, and while I found it nice, I wasn’t quite so distractible from the present moment and its problems.

Besides, I believe he’s more likely to be the patsy in that game than the master of it.

If I had been more into “anchoring,” and of a spath turn of mind, I might have manipulated the heck out of him. I wasn’t interested in that, not even to get him to go to rehab. Stupid me, honest to the end!

Black Widow isn’t so ethical.

What does she get out of this? She loses every battle as the “lone nut” out there trying to clean up her husband’s posthumous reputation. She stated to me that she looked forward to losing, “lol.” Excuse me, “laughing out loud” at losing the battle? Extreme victimhood behavior, going for that same “reward” long past its ability to gain her anything important. What she gets is control over our friend, dinging that little bell in her own pleasure center. The rat keeps going for the cheese.

I went “no contact” on her first, then him. Because if he’s controlled by that, he’s as good as gone anyway. Black Widow’s game is stronger than tequila, for sure. I pointed out to him recently that he has a thing for people who are “lost causes.” (I’m not a total loser, so he just lies about helping me.)

Anyone ever experience this? (1) A spath who wins by losing and even gleefully loses out on money if it means tripping off some other pleasure center in their brain; and (2) A game of “anchoring” people in intense memories. When it’s time to tell the truth and be in the present moment, the spath escapes to that beautiful sunset you watched together. Alternatively, they bring up the time you helped your dying friend, her husband.

What is especially chilling for me is that I am lying awake wondering if that’s what really did her husband in. He had an absolute devotion to this woman, I’ve heard. He loved a spath who made him feel great for being the righteous martyr. So addicted to drama that she basically killed him. And I wanted to help Black Widow! I HAVE helped her, already. It feels so creepy. . . . And now I get to feel creepy about not rescuing my friend from her. But he’s, yes, a “lost cause” himself now. I am absolutely heartbroken and inconsolable at this. An alcoholic, yes. A bad person, no. He’ll be dead before the year is out.

The silver lining in all this is, for me, and only for me: I tripped off this whole conflict by being generous, insightful, loving, enthusiastic, and turned on. It sort of dislocated something in the whole sick dynamic. Boy oh boy, do the animals in this nightmarish zoo let you know about it when you stop feeding them negative vibes! The challenge is not to get dragged back down into it just to shut them up.

sistersister

Any experiences with “anchoring” out there?

Stargazer

Sistersister, I know this sounds selfish, but you need to put yourself first and not the friend who is being manipulated. Keeping all of this drama going in your own life will bring you down. If I were in your position, I would just cut them all out.

I believe giving and receiving are exactly the same. They are two sides to a coin. If you are giving to someone who can really appreciate you and receive the gift readily, then the giving benefits both of you equally. However, if the person cannot receive it and puts up roadblocks, then the giver will become drained and will eventually feel resentful that they are not appreciated. So….move on and give to someone who sees the value of what you have to offer, with no reservation. It is not your job to save everyone in a bad situation. Some people are not ready or do not want to be helped. Why spend precious energy on them?

I have noticed that for every dramatic relationship I cut out of my life, several new people or experiences move in to fill the gap. I don’t miss the negative people at all. Nor the drama.

4Light2shine

Sistersister, I just read a few of your posts. While I can’t remember the term anchoring specifically before, I do have a few thoughts that may be helpful and hopefully relevant. One of the sites that was very informative to me is called decisionmakingconfidence or something close. There are some really solid ideas that are similar to what you are explaining here. Some have to do with ways that cult leaders and other psychopaths use to guide and influence decisions covertly. NLP I believe, is the term that describes some of the guided, trance-like states that these masters of manipulation use. All of this falls into some kind of hypnotism or mind control but not necessarily in the Hollywood portrayal. I think that the psychopathic “bond” that many experts including Dr. Robert Hare speak of is made up of several of these techniques. I can tell you that while I was dating the sociopath playing the role of my wife that I had two separate encounters that I firmly believe now were some kind of trance-like states that she guided me through. I can tell you that both times it was crystal clear that I suddenly was coming out of a state of feeling completely unaware of the people around us. It felt like the conversation we were having was so incredibly authentic and spoke to the depths of my soul. I felt completely safe. It was beyond pleasant. As I was reconnecting with the realization that I was sitting at an upscale bar and that I had lost myself for several minutes of our conversation she both times claimed to have shared the experience with me. We were so engrossed in the conversation that everyone else disappeared. I even told friends about it. This was the most incredible connection I had ever had. Not so much. By the way I know how all this stuff and the sheer scope of it all can be exhausting. It takes it’s toll. That disenfranchised mentality is exactly what many of those looking to groom others and to hook them into these cults are looking for. At least that’s what I’ve read. Hope some of this helps.

sistersister

Interesting, and thanks for the reply. I didn’t have those experiences with these two individuals, but I must admit being fairly charmed-to-death on a couple of occasions by the alcoholic I consider more of a victim than a perpetrator. We just had a certain chemistry. I’m not willing to join him in his demise at the hands of a spath; that’s the only reason I’m bailing.

I haven’t heard of NLP being used in this unethical manner before. It also has legitimate uses and is more than just a method of putting the hard sell on someone. Perhaps in the wrong hands it can be a powerful manipulative tool.

This experience of being so turned on that time seems to stand still has happened to me in prior encounters with other people. Usually, I’m the one calling it out while others fall for it. I now say, If music plays when somebody enters the room, and you are not in a Broadway production of “Hello Dolly,” that’s a red flag.

I do remember, though, one time 15 years ago when I had such an intense experience of meeting a man that I was on Cloud 9 the whole next day. A mutual friend said he had witnessed in us a “certain meeting of the minds.” It was a really manipulative, sociopathic set-up that I believe his church was behind. (The church asked not to be identified as Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, so OK, you didn’t hear it from me.) It was a cult, pure and simple. Just because it doesn’t send people to a camp in California doesn’t mean it isn’t a cult. It was the only experience I ever had with an organization of spaths all banded together in a common purpose. Anyway, I felt I had somehow failed when he went into a rage, saying our breakup was basically my fault, not his, for not accepting Jesus.

Thanks for pointing out how an encounter with a spath can exhaust someone so much. It’s a feeling of being completely blown out. When I’m having a conversation and feel vaguely exhausted from it, yet I can’t pinpoint the reason, I know it’s suspicious.

Grace-

In response to your question regarding whether sociopaths are ever caught in a “betrayal bond”….. sociopaths are parasites. They have no deep abiding affections. They simply attach themselves to a supply of whatever they want or need. When the well runs dry, they’re off to the next host.

Sister-Sister-

You’d mentioned a friend who you felt you needed to give up on because they could not be enlightened regardless of the efforts you made. Unfortunately, people are extremely resistant to changing their minds, no matter what level of pain they suffer. And advice of friends and family may not be viewed as “credible.”

Donna, myself, and many others have written our stories in order to help folks see the forest for the trees. While it’s not possible to put a subject expert in front of every resistant victim, it is possible to put the writings of someone who has lived through their circumstance in front of them. Involving your friend in a discussion on this site, or putting literature that could ring true for them into their hands, may open their thoughts in ways that may not, otherwise, succeed because books don’t feel like an argument, pressure or a confrontation. They are a passive source of information that a person can absorb at their will and at their own speed.

All the best-
Joyce

Kathleen

If only this type of abuse could be nipped in the bud, or even stopped before it gets a chance to start by tighting up on laws regarding these social predators, who search out victims to exploit for money, sex, an easy lifestyle without working for a living, a place to live for free etc. It’s fine for the current victim who’s been dropped to move on and forget if possible but what about the next victim and the next and the n………..We need to find a way to stop the suffering of normal, caring, loving human beings at the hands of these evil people. We’re advised not to expose them but, so long as we’re safe from harm, I think they should all be exposed as much as possible in an attempt to stop the suffering.

Kathleen,

I’m 200% with you that’s why I’m mounting an effort to do exactly that.

I’ve written my tale of rape by fraud and launched an effort to create criminal code on this behavior throughout the US. If you are interested in helping in your state, please log onto http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com. You will see how you can privately let me know your contact information. You can also register the information about the problem you faced and identify the offender.

Let me know if you have any difficulty doing so. Donna can put you in touch with me.

Joyce

Kathleen

Well done. I registered my email address. I live in England, but I will be following your blog. These people have to be exposed for normal people to be aware there are any frauds, liars and users out there.

LouAnn

Here is an article that is better than what I wrote. These are good suggestions if you can’t quite escape yet:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend