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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I confronted him with what I learned, and was told I was a psychopath

Editor’s note: The following story was sent by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “CatieJane.”

I just finished reading a book about narcissists, written by a woman that in the book mentioned this site. I have now for several days, considered whether I should write here – and the reason I have doubts.

Is that I still have doubts about whether it really is my ex or me that is “crazy” ”¦

I do not live in an English speaking country, I come from Denmark. So if I dont write proper English, I apologize in advance.

My story ”¦

For 8 years I have been with my ex. 8 years that has been crazy.

When I met him 8 years ago, he was this wonderful, loving, caring man. (Had never seen a man be so PERFECT) before. He was like something out of a romantic book, bought flowers for me, toys for my dog, phoned and wrote constantly.

It was not long before we were in a real, serious relationship. He resigned his apartment and moved his things down to his mother when there was no room in my apartment. Everything seemed perfect.

But it wasn’t.

This feeling

It took a few months, and I started getting “this feeling” in my stomach  ”¦ Got a feeling that something was wrong ”¦ And it was supported by my friend that told me, that she had seen him on a dating site where he had a dating profile and was quite active.

I confronted him with it and he got mad at me. Told me that I saw ghosts that there was nothing in it. That he just used it when he had nothing else to do etc ”¦

And stupid as I was, I chose to believe him ”¦ Or rather, I did kind of ”¦  But I began to search around the web for him. Found several single profiles etc.

Testing him

I chose to “test” him ”¦ Created one fake profile as a beautiful woman, and soon he wrote to this fake profile, without him knowing it was me who was sitting behind. He asked if I’d wanted to meet (my fake profile) and I said yes ”¦ gave him a fictitious address and he said he would be there in 1 hour.

At the same time I contacted him as me, his girlfriend ”¦ Asked what he was doing and he said he was at work and sat in the car because he was getting cake for his colleagues. I went crazy on him, screaming and shouting and said he was a liar. And told him that it was me who had been sitting behind this fake profile he had been writing to.

He came home to me, told me that there was nothing in it, that he did not intend to do something… and that it was ME who needed a lot of attention, so he needed to talk to others. He took his things and left.

Checked his computer again

It took a few weeks, then he came back, he missed me ”¦ and we were together again. One day when he was at work, I did something I know I should not have done. I checked his spare computer that stood at my house. And I could see various chat logs, emails, etc. that he had with other women.

Here, I read how he told them he was single How he flirted … made dates etc. And for women (that Unfortunately for him) knew he was with me, he told that he was tired of me, that we were not “together” but only lived together because he had to save money. What ?!

I found out that he had been unfaithful to me several times and I confronted him with all the things I had learned. Which resulted in, I was told that I was a psychopath and I did not know a damn thing.

I got pregnant

Time after time he came back with sweet words and love declarations that he would have a child with me, he wanted to marry etc ”¦ But it only lasted a few weeks or months, then I was dropped again and again and again ”¦

We got back together ”¦ and everything seemed to go well ”¦ We started to make plans, talked about having a child. And so it happened that I got pregnant.

And then it clicked for him. I was dropped again, he would have nothing to do with me, told everyone that I had become pregnant against his will. Told me that if I had the baby, he would commit suicide and I would be guilty of his two children from his previous relationship would get a life without their father.

Psychological terror

I was a totally mess. I got hospitalized most of my pregnancy because I could not eat or anything. They told that I was subjected to psychological terror. One day he wrote to me “Are you soon bleeding? So I can get that abortion.”

A few weeks went by, and then he sent flowers to me at the hospital and asked if he could visit me because he missed me. I was stupid and said yes. He came and when the doctor came into the room, his only comment to the doctor was, if it was too late to apply for a late abortion. I started to cry and the doctor threw him out of the room.

Throughout the pregnancy, he told me how much I ruined his life by getting the child, how terrible he felt that he could not eat, think or anything.

And I was miserable about it ”¦ For on the one hand, I had this lovely baby growing in my belly, but I just did not get the chance to “be happy” about it because I was constantly reminded of how horrible he had it. Despite the fact that a child had been a common choice (until I got pregnant!)

Other women

A friend of mine called me one day while I was in the hospital, said he had seen my ex at a party where he had been with another woman.

I tried to call him but he did not take the phone … And I began to see that many of the times in which he had said he was in bed and was terrible actually were times where he had been with other women.

When the birth came, I heard nothing from him. But nevertheless found out later that he had been on a date with a woman. He would not see our child or have anything to do with me. But chose to come to the hospital when our son was 11 days old, but was only there for 15 minutes and then he went on a date with a new girlfriend.

Reunited

I tried then to get on with my life, enjoyed being with my lovely lovely son.

It took 2 months and then there was an old friend who contacted me and we talked. There was nothing between us but we just talked well together. I added him on facebook, and my son’s father / ex had obviously seen it and that we had commented on several of each other’s posts.

And then I was suddenly interesting again. He said he dropped his girlfriend because of me. He would be a family, he missed me and loved me.

I forgave him and we were together again … It took 3 weeks and then I was dropped again … The reason I was dropped was because he spent all his time in front of the computer, and I “allowed” myself to ask if we could do something together. He got angry with me and threw me down the stairs.

Together ”¦ and dropped

This has been the relationship ever since … Together … Dropped … And each time, he has become more and more “cold” and indifferent.

He has dumped me for small stupid things, like one time that I had not gone down with the garbage, that I had taken on too much weight.. Then he dropped me because I wanted to see him several times a week ”¦

And when he has dropped me, it has been with icy coldness and silent treatment. Where I have written millions of emails to him, text messages and called him. I have even sent him gifts ”¦ just to get him to talk to me. I know it sounds stupid … But it’s damn hard to be ignored by the one you love.

Like a robot

The times we have been apart and he nevertheless took his phone, he has been like a robot. No emotion shown, told how indifferent he was with me, that I am nothing to him, that I was the problem and that I needed help. That I harassed him with my begging mails and tons of calls.

1 month ago he dumped me again ”¦ He wanted to see the movie “Fifty  Shades of Grey” with me. But I had promised my girlfriend that I watched it with her. I told him that we could just see it together another day. But when I chose to leave with my friend, then all hell broke loose.

The next day I could see on facebook that he now was a member of various facebook single groups, had added new women to his facebook profile and much more. I wrote to him that I did not understand why he would be like this and I was told that I should seek help, that I was mentally ill, that I had to work with my distrust and jealousy… That he would have nothing to do with me.

Son in the hospital

Two weeks ago, our son was admitted to the hospital, and I contacted him to tell him about it. He did not care and told me he was on his way to a single party and that it was more important.

However, the next day he showed up at the hospital, and was suddenly changed. Smiled, chatted and told me he had missed me. We were together for a week until Wednesday.

But his behavior was very strange. He walked out of the room when the phone rang, putting his phone so I could not see it etc ”¦ Had blocked me on facebook.

Another woman again

One night he was in bed with his phone and playing on an app and suddenly there is a woman who writes that she misses him ”¦ I start to shake, asked him what it was about ”¦ and he got angry with me, told me he did not know why she wrote, that there is nothing between them.

In the morning he was still angry with me ??? He said that he was tired of my questions and distrust. I flipped, and said to him that it is clear to distrust when a slut writes to him, and that I do not want to be lied to. He then slapped me. And I start to cry and said to him that he should never touch me again!

Our son came down and we pretended that everything was ok. Eating breakfast, and everything seems OK on the surface ”¦ I sat on the sofa with our son and watching cartoons, and he comes over started holding me.

But I was very sad, and just wanted to go home. Ask him if he would drive us home, but he couldn’t before in the evening.

Driving home

When we were driving home in the evening, our son fell asleep in the car (thankfully). I ended up sitting in the car and cry and asked him how he can be such a robot and change that way. (Stupid me). He got angry, stopped the car and take a stranglehold on me and tells me that I destroy his life, that I shouldn’t meddle around what he’s doing, and he is talking to whom he pleases.

I do not know what happens, but for the first time in my life – I react to his violent actions, and I end up biting him in the cheek.

When me and my son got out of the car, the last thing he says to me is that he will go to the police.

The next day he calls me and tells me that he has told the police about my violent assault. I called the police and ask them if it is true; it is. And I ask them about what he has said. Just as I expected, he lied to the police, saying that I with no reason and out of the blue, had bitten him. But he forgot to tell that he had both slapped me and took a stranglehold on me.

Had enough now

Now I’ve had enough now. I will not expose my son or myself for this life more.

But yet I sit here and think … Is he a narcissist? Or just an asshole? Is it him or me there is something wrong with?

I know I have been suspicious, but, I’ve also had reason to it (I think). I know that I called him millions of times, and written tons of mails when he has given me the silent treatment. But it have never been to harass him ”¦

And I know it was wrong to bite him, I also have regretted it. But I just got enough.

And now I can’t make head or tail of things more ”¦ Can not figure outwhether it’s me or him there is something wrong with ”¦

 


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15 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I confronted him with what I learned, and was told I was a psychopath"

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So HE called YOU a “psychopath” Oh boy! Can you spell “PROJECTION”? 🙂 Don’t worry, dear…

CatieJane, in some ways we are all made crazy from our experience with these psychopaths. I became a master at smoking out my spath’s internet activities. “Little boy games that meant nothing” as he put it. He would delete his profile but with the reminder that he “could always make another one”, planting a little seed of fear to grow. And indeed it did grow, and I can’t even tell you how much time I’ve wasted searching the computer various ways to figure out what he was really up to. And as many times as I might ask myself, “why do I want this man who is so suspicious that I have to play detective to trust him”, my very actions were proof enough that I couldn’t trust him, yet I kept trying anyway.

They have a way of getting inside our heads and making us as out of touch with reality as they are. When I finally resolved to end things with my spath a few months ago I realized that I was not heartbroken over my time with him. My heart was always in the right place, I love the good man that I will always believe is inside him, but he was breaking my mind over and over again as I tried so hard to make sense of his behavior. It’s still a struggle and I’ve often wondered if I did truly understand him, would that mean that I was actually as sick as he is? Wouldn’t learning to accept his awful behavior actually mean that I truly was as mentally and emotionally damaged as he is?

I have been reading books on codependency lately. That is very helpful because some of the reasons that I tolerated his behavior stems from my own dysfunctional upbringing. The difference is that I know my problem has solutions if I work on it. I understand and feel the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, healthy and unhealthy. My spath understands those things intellectually. He is a very intelligent man, but with the mind and conscience of a criminal really. His intellectual understanding is just a means to get what he wants out of people and out of life. He is always a victim in his mind and the ends justify the means. He can always find someone else to blame for his failings and when he couldn’t, well guess whose fault it became? Mine of course. What else was left to defend himself?

And trust me CatieJane, he always knew just what to do to hurt me and regain a sense of control over the situation. The biggest laugh of all, is that even if I disputed his attempts to manipulate and control me, his final decision was ALWAYS that I was trying to control HIM. Then he would shut me out for a while saying something like, “I’m so sick of you, stay the f*** away from me!” These people do make us ill because they are drawing out the worst in us. Using their skills to provoke doubt, distrust, uncertainty and insecurity that ultimately put us in a desperate place of fear. A mind filled with desperate, insecure, fearful thoughts is a mind that is unhealthy. I still have moments when I am literally unable to function, like a dark depression, as I wrestle with recovering from the affects of years of the twisted logic he put him my mind.

The worst part of all, is that I know in his mind he believes that any pain I’ve suffered is at my own hand. As many times as he might admit to his failings (but always with a spin on the story that made him look like a victim, so that he really wasn’t admitting that he had responsibility), I believe he really is content with who he is. He would tell me that if I couldn’t accept him, that was my problem. Sadly, that is true. As long as we put up with these behaviors that bring us no happiness, then it really is our fault for not leaving. At the same time, I know that it is hard to have good boundaries and know when to let go of a harmful relationship if you have been raised with a lot of dysfunction in the past. You can’t magically live a higher standard for yourself if you really don’t know what that feels like.

I have been a member of an Adult Children of Alcoholics group and Alanon for nearly three years, working on my codependency issues as I fought for my sanity in my relationship with the spath. But it wasn’t until recently, when I found this site, that I realized why I kept feeling like, no matter what progress I made, I was beating my head against a door that was never going to open with him. I kept thinking that my spath was going to heal from his old wounds as well, that we would both heal and have something happy and healthy together. Time, experience and knowledge now prove to me that it was never going to happen, it never will happen.

It is so sad and hard for me to face this, and it has rocked me mentally and spiritually to make sense of it. Why does God put people on earth like this. Empty souls that are like demons among us. But there it is, like any other untamed and destructive force of nature, they exist. I know it is not helpful to hear that you will come through this stronger and wiser in the end. You are here reaching out. I am here reaching out for help. If these men had broken us we would not be here at all. You are not broken or insane CatieJane, you are very aware and fighting for your sanity. We must all have faith in ourselves right now and trust that we will be whole again, mentally and emotionally. One step at a time, one day at a time.

catiejane, my heart ached reading your post. You have been through so much pain because of this evil guy. HUGS!!

I think every victim goes through the same feelings that you are going through right now…. “is he a psychopath? or is he not?” phase. And I think all victims question whether they are being overly critical or sensitive to their.

Know that HE IS A PSYCHOPATH!!!!

How did I come to this conclusion? Simple, he lacks empathy towards you and your son. Throw in all the other craziness that he has put you through over and over and he is a psychopath still. He uses gas lighting abuse on you constantly, blame shift, love bombing, coming into your life then discarding you again and again. Please know that **ALL psychopaths are also narcissist.

**It really does not matter at this point if you come to the conclusion that he is a psychopath or not but instead it is important for you to come to the conclusion that he is a very toxic individual who brings nothing but chaos, abuse and disfunction into your life and your son’s life.

This man is not going to change his behavior ever…he will always have a primary victim to live with to appear “normal” and he will always have many secondary victims that he will have sex with. It’s call the “Madonna whore complex” (google).

The most important thing to focus on now is not whether he is a psychopath or not, but instead focus on getting out of this toxic relationship. How do you do that? how do you get out? With the No Contact Rule (google and search Lovefraud too). Dont think you have to do the no contact rule alone hon, reach out to your countries National domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor and ask them for your local abuse center’s phone number and go to their free counseling & free women group meetings. And also come here and vent before you call him/text him it really does help. They will help you to see that you ARE in a emotional, mental and physical abusive relationship and that right now is the most important thing for you.

With the help of your local abuse center think about getting a restraining order on him and also sole custody of your son.

YOU deserve so much better then this evil guy who is just twisting your mind up and abusing you. YOU deserve peace and calmness and this man will never give you this ever.

If and only IF you think it is safe to talk to his ex gf/wife that has the two other children with him do so. She will most likely tell you the same exact stories that you have gone through yourself. She could give you much clarity about this evil man.

I would recommend that you keep reading all of the articles Donna Anderson has posted here on her excellent site and watch her videos at the top of this site under the “video section” over and over and over. Especially read when you are emotional sad, angry etc. You have been brain washed and mind controlled by this evil guy just like a cult follower is by a cult leader. You have to break the mind control and break the addiction that your abuser has created. It’s not easy. Have your friends & family look at lovefraud so they full understand this evil guys behavior and can help you through all of your pain and keep you safe from him.

Donna Andrson’s books are excellent and also the book Woman Who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown (my counselor gave me this book) explains in great detail how the abuser controls his victims. In addition the books Why does he do that/ by Lundy Bancroft and Freedom of Mind by Steven Hassan.

Do a search on LF & google:

1) No contact rule
2) no contact rule and also Low contact rule
3) madona and whore complex

other website Onemomsbattle. com and their facebook page same name. This site is about dealing with a narcissist when you have children with them. OPEN a fake email account then a fake facebook account that way you can chat freely without your ex or his family/friends seeing what you are posting. Ask questions on this site.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU CATIEJANE.

Wishing you all the best!! Take care

(ps your english is excellent!! 😉

ps: when he called you a “psychopath” (which you are not!) he was using “psychopath blame shifting” (google) and “sociopath projection” (google) his words are HUGE RED FLAGS that he knows he is a psychopath!!

Beware!! he is telling you who he is!!

This is an excellent article to understand the no contact rule and how the abuser creates an emotional bond that needs to be broken.

“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”

Jan7 and Catiejane
Wonderful advise and reply. I am so glad you are here today and hugs to catiejane.
Holidays are harder than usual…
I am left alone today. My daughter is still angry with me even though I have been no contact since January 2015.
Nobody understands but my LF friends.
I feel catiejanes pain…I hope she finds some support and stays away from him.
We all know how hard that can be.
I listened to a radio show yesterday by Sandra Brown about getting through the holidays and it was excellent.
Catiejane, this man will NEVER change or take responsibility for his action and only continue this cycle over and over again until you say NO MORE.
You have to stay strong for that little baby and move on..I know how hard it is but when you educate yourself here you will understand that this evil to the core person is not going to change and will only hold you back from living your life.
I personally let my ex path do this to me in 2006…then he disappeared and came back in 2013..nothing changed with him, only me.
I got stronger and stronger once I decided that this is not a normal jerk or asshole, he is a sociopath by every definition.
Keep educating yourself and stay strong.
It does take time but it will get better with hard work.

Catiejane,

This person is a horrible abuser. Are there any social support services (social workers) in Denmark that you could connect with as a sole parent, parenting with an abusive ex-partner? It sounds like the doctor at the hospital was aware there was a problem. The sociopath’s comments are so vicious and nasty.
They draw people in with deceit. You’re not to blame. It’s good that you found this site, there’s a lot of good information here, and people with experience who can support you through NC.

Thank you all, for your warm loving comments!

I sorry to say this, but i lost it again… Maybe some of you read it the other day, under another post..

After that day he drove us home, and after i found out he had lied to the police.. I had enough! I feelt SOOO strong, and didnt even feelt the urge to call, text him or anything. My mom and sister told me that i was starting to smile again etc..

But then i looked at his facebook profile and could see he was flirting with this girl, and was ”ohh so happy”.. and it hurt me.. and i got that ”junkie” feeling that i needed to contact him.. Called him, but he ignored me.. Mailed him, but got a ”cold” respons.. And now i kind of feel like im back at the beginning..

All i can think about, is what he is doing, if he is together with another girl… Think about, that maybe im the one who was messed up, and he might be happy with her.. I know its crazy.. Cause when i think about the last 8 years, i KNOW that its not me, but him that are the ”bad” one.. But still.. even thou my brain knows it… its kind of like my hearts doesnt know it.. Or dont listen…

I shift between being ”i dont care”.. to ”sad”… to ”i HATE him”… I dont want to contact him, but still i find these stupid reasons to do it, and the result is no answer/or an cold short answer.. And then im back to the sadness and thinking..

I wish i could just let him be!! That i could do the whole no contact thing, and even thou i say to my self i will do it, and actually feel it and meen it… Then a couple of hours go by, and i mail him.. WHY!?!

I get so mad at my self afterwards! Because i KNOW he is no good! I know he cant make me happy! But still im so affraid that if i let him be, then he will forget me, and i will see that he can be happy and in a stabil loving relationship with someone else.. Which will meen that its me thats the problem.

And yes, one of you asked if there was any social support services here in denmark. And there is.. But it mostly for women that have been beaten etc… and i have nothing physical to show… Dont think they will take me serious.. I cant even take myself serious.. Feel like its a bad dream, and i cant think straight..

My feelings are messed up… Wanting one thing… But doing something else. And all this, kind of makes me feel that he might was right about me being the crazy one, cause thats how i feel at the moment…

:-/

Cataj

He’s onto you. He knows you know! So he’s doing cold response in order to unnerve you.

You know that.

The point of no contact isn’t to avoid things that harm. It’s to be in contact, only with what is good, positive, helpful to our lives.

It’s a boundry setting that, when feeling healthy, people do naturally.

So if you think in terms of “will this be healthy for me? [will it make me smile and feel good?, will it lead to a better future in 5 years?”]
… maybe shifting to whether it will be healthy — will make it easier in the moment to know whether to call. Instead of thinking “can I do no contact, can I avoid?” It’s easier for the human mind to think in terms of positive actions, than to think in terms of no’s.
…it’s also a shift to a self-care-taking image, to build healthness into your life.

I think there’s a way in various browser’s or security software to mark a page as spam. If you can figure it out, set his facebook page to that. Take his email address out of your address book so it doesn’t come up automatically. Move his emails to a backup and remove them from your computer. Then draw a picture, or plant some flowers, or make a smoothie — something postive to celebrate.

“My feelings are messed up” Wanting one thing” But doing something else. And all this, kind of makes me feel that he might was right about me being the crazy one,”

You’re post break up actions are exactly what most people do. Nothing crazy about it. The worse the lack of quality caring in the relationship from one side, the more the other side does all this stuff. So the only crazy thought here, is to think you are crazy by doing what everyone else in the world does.

Those reach outs by you are…in an effort to get the quality connection and caring moment, that then allows for leaving more fully, with one’s own caring in the relationship intact and therefore avaiable to bottle up and put aside.

When you fully get that he can’t care more about you — because HE doesn’t know how to do that caring that allows for non-drama and respectful breakups… then you’ll stop seeking anything from him, and move on. And if he could do that caring, you’d still be in a relationship. He can’t. And so you left.

That’s the cycle you are in.

If he had given you that proper ending — you wouldn’t even care if he found someone. You’d be happy for him. You’re jealous because you keep hoping to find from him (and therefore think she’s getting) that caring that allows for closure. Sadly, no going to happen. And won’t happen for her either when they split up (assuming they are even together and he didn’t just post something to make you jealous.)

So…my 2 cents. Try out a new recipe and post it here instead, the next time you get the urge to write him. :).

PS I said: “You’re post break up actions are exactly what most people do.”

And if you have any doubts, turn on the TV, find a sitcom and watch someone doing just that. Classic standard episodes.

Catj

I just read your story from the beginning. Before, I was answering in reply to your prior post.

I’ll ask something seemingly odd.

Looking back at the very beginning of your relationship, is there something (or things) that made you just ever so slightly mad… but seemed so little that you didn’t think you should make a fuss over them? (I’m referring to -before- your first hint of his cheating, but instead during the early perfect phase.)

It can be not paying for a bill when he usually would. Changing something in the apartment but denying it. Getting ever so slightly reactive about something very little, and not really admitting to his reaction.

There’s a thought, or reason I’m thinking of this question, based on experiences.

Another question – what do you see when you read your story? If you list one-line bullets for it’s contents (the contents of the history of your relationship), what are they? Such as
“Perfect.
Online dating discovered.
Confronted and he admitted to it but called me paroniod
etc…”

I can tell you want I see, but it’s better if it’s your view.

🙂

PS
I’ve posted two days ago, and my posts never appeared. I’m not sure if they aren’t posting — or I’m not finding them after they post. Anyone have ideas?

I posted this and I think I posted it to this article, yesterday.

You aren’t crazy. He wants you to think it is you. It’s a control tactic. My ex did the same. I was the one who needed help. I was the abuser and he was the innocent victim trying to do the right thing. He called the police and the Department of Children and families on me saying he was afraid of me for himself and our infant (at the time) daughter. That I had hurt her. He was trying to get her taken because he didn’t want her and if I left he didn’t want to have to be responsible for financial support payments.
It is hard to let go. Remember it isn’t you. You must not contact him. He will not change

Hugs to you. I hope you have the strength to really be done with him this time.
Isn’t it amusing how they say, all of their on-line flirting, dating activities, web caming and dates with “other women,” all mean nothing. My x psychopath would say this in the most convincing manner. Now, I believe him because the very truth is that none of “it” did matter. I didn’t even matter. No one can matter to a psychopath because all of us were nothing more than objects. We were toys that they eventually got tired of and we either left, or we were discarded.

My x has a new gf he is plastering pics of on fb. This signals that she is probably on to him, so he is needing to prove to her the “others” mean nothing and she is the “chosen one.” I feel so sorry for her. She has to be in it pretty deep to take that abuse and manipulation. I feel for her because I was her.

In the end, you will win the game. Yes, it’s all a game to the psychopath, nothing more. The game is the challenge: how to win over their incessant boredom. Boredom is something they can’t escape and is why they need so many “women/men” and distractions. It’s the reason they go to such lengths to drive us crazy. When they hurt us, the boredom is momentarily relieved. When they see you broken and desperate, they feel a rush of happiness because this gives them a feeling of ultimate power. If they can break you then they are powerful and have god like powers of omnipotence. For this reason, you must stay away. As long as you engage this monster you are feeding him. A well fed monster has the confidence to go out into the world and prey on more unsuspecting women. You will be used as a demonstration of his value. You will be described as the crazy, pathetic women who loves him so much (proving his value) who won’t let go. If he was a monster, you wouldn’t be hanging on right? For this reason, you must starve the beast! If you detach, he will weaken because he will run out of fuel. Consider it a public service. You win if he starves.

The ONLY reason a victim ends the NC rule is because he/she still retains a glimmer of hope that the sociopath will eventually “come to see the light”. As a 77 year old disabled and lonely lady, I can say from 100% experience that this will NEVER happen!!! They are intrinsically not able to comprehend any feelings (other than hate) whatsoever. I tried for 23 years of marriage to make it work, got divorced and singlehandedly raised my 5 once-beautiful, beloved children…only to finally have to accept that they too, have inherited their father’s powerful genes. I kept hoping that my love and direction would steer them clear, only to have all my hopes and dreams evaporate and now am all alone.

I had a very uneasy feeling while reading your story. What kept coming to mind for me is the safety of your son. Obviously your safety is also important, but your son depends on you for his well-being. If this man wanted you to have an abortion as badly as you stated, he may be a danger to your son now that he is born. I would be very observant of his behavior with your son, and do what you can to keep both of you safe.

This man’s behavior will not change. I believe he is enjoying the pain he inflicts on you. He knows that he is pulling you back in every time he is with another woman. Don’t think the photos of him with someone else are accidently placed on facebook. Those photos are bait for you to see because he gets enjoyment from you getting upset and attempting to contact him. He doesn’t answer your calls because he knows you will get even more upset when he doesn’t. It’s all part of the cruel game he plays with you.

Rest assured that he is playing these same games with whoever he is with. If you think he is having a wonderful relationship with anyone else, I really doubt that. He is more likely than not playing the same game with anyone else he dates.

Try to find the strength to get away from this man, for the safety of you and your son. You are not crazy. He is, and crazy people have the ability to make sane people crazy. Don’t let him do this to you. He will not change. Things will only get worse.

Good luck and I hope you find the strength to get far away from him.

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