LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Veronica.” If you have any suggestions for this worried grandmother, please post them.

I’m desperate and very afraid. I hope you can help and help quickly.

My daughter was married to a man, who by all accounts, appeared to be the most wonderful guy in the world. It wasn’t until after she left him that she finally confided in me as to the truth of their relationship and I was horrified. I know he is definitely a sociopath.

For 5 years he made her life a living hell. The only reason she stayed with him she said was because it was the only way to protect her daughter. She left him over a year ago, and filed for divorce in May of this year. She was also given an order of protection (which he has violated numerous times), as he threatened my daughter and told her he was going to take my grandchild out of the country. We even showed the judge a video this man had made using his cell phone of himself badgering and pushing my granddaughter when she was only 18 months old. He cried when he saw the video. He told the judge my daughter made him do that. He said that’s the method they were using to potty train her. I sat there stunned when he said that, but I thought the judge would see through such an obvious lie! They lived with me during that time, and none of that happened. My daughter asked the judge to let me testify and he said no.

In the end, the judge saw in him a loving father and would not give her sole custody without any contact with the father. This has proven to be a grievous mistake on the judge’s part.

Injuries and threats

Twice we have had to call the police because my 4-year-old granddaughter came home injured. The first time he kicked her. They took pictures, they talked to him and of course he said he had no idea how it happened. Then he started sneaking into my daughter’s yard at night. Parking two doors down at the abandoned house. Each time we tried to get a picture, all we got was his back or a blur as he ran away. The police said that proves nothing. I’ve seen him several drive real slow in front of my daughter’s house with the dome light on, giving us the finger or a sinister smile. He’s gone by the time the police get there. He drives different cars, a black 4 door sedan, a tan Camry, a red Aveo and a dark small truck.

On the 3rd of October he had visitation. When my daughter when to pick up my grandchild, my grandchild ran away and said she didn’t want to go with my daughter. “Daddy” picked her up and put her in my daughter’s car. When they were on the way home, my daughter asked my granddaughter why she acted that way and was told “daddy said if I didn’t do that he wouldn’t play with me anymore, but if I did, he would play with me every day.” My daughter called me and told me about the incident. Unfortunately, I got mad and called him. I asked him to stop using her as a pawn. Naturally he denied it. “I would never do that.” He kept yelling so I hung up. He called back and started yelling again. I said “Look, I just called to ask you to stop playing these games with her.” He said “You think this is a game?! I will show you the kinds of games I can play and you won’t survive.” He yelled, “Leave me alone” and hung up.

A few minutes later he sent me a text message. “You guys need to tell her if she continues to say things that aren’t true she’s gonna get in trouble. And apparently you need to think REALLY hard before you open your mouth about anything.” I know from past experience that was a threat to me and my grandchild. As it was a Sunday, I went early the next morning to court to get a protection order for myself. It was granted. However, it took almost 3 weeks to serve it as he kept avoiding the Constable.

Cigarette burn

On the 16th of October he again had visitation. When my daughter picked up my granddaughter in the evening and got her home, it was about bed time. As my daughter was helping her get her pajamas on, she saw blood and a sore in the middle of her back slightly larger than the diameter of a pencil. She asked how it happened.

“Daddy poked me.”

“Why did daddy poke you?”

“I don’t know, he said it was fair, but it wasn’t.”

“Why did daddy say it was fair?”

“I think he thought I poked him, but I didn’t. I kissed him on the cheek.”

“What were you doing when daddy poked you?”

“I was rolling the ball to (her half-sister).”

“Show me how daddy poked you”

She got up and took her index finger and poked my daughter as hard as she could in the back and moved her finger in a manner like you’d use to crush out a cigarette.

I was in the room and looked at the injury. Something didn’t look right so I went and got a magnifying glass. I said, this doesn’t look like a “poke” this looks like a burn. Because the local police had told us before not to call them, but to contact the police in the city where the incident occurred, we bundled her up and drove to my house and called the police from there. They came out and talked to all three of us. My granddaughter again showed the policeman how the injury occurred and they took pictures.

Two weeks later the detectives finally called him in for questioning. But naturally, he was shocked, he cried, he demanded to know who did it. He even brought in his other two daughters who said they had no idea she had been hurt. Even though my granddaughter had told the officers her older sister had kissed the owie to try to make her feel better. Obviously, he’s threatening her half sisters, too. The detective knew it was a cigarette burn, but here is what appears to be a loving father, so they let him go.

“Make us disappear”

Saturday, October 30th he saw my grandchild again. When she came home she told my mom and my daughter, “Daddy said if I tell the truth, he will kill us all and make us disappear.” We have no idea what to do. The police are starting to think we’re the crazy ones, so we didn’t call to report it.

Last night I got an urgent call from my daughter at 11:30 pm. She said he had been there messing with the outside electrical main box. She said first the back yard light went off, then came on, then various house lights went off and back on. She ran to the back of the house to look through the window at the junction box, but all she saw was him running away.

I went over and we looked at the box. It was obvious it had been opened. We got a padlock and locked it up, then spent most of the night awake with fear. The dogs went wild with barking at 2:30 in the morning. We couldn’t see anything outside, though. We have no idea what he has in mind, but we do believe he is planning to make good on his threat to make us disappear.

My daughter says she regrets divorcing him because now she can’t ensure my granddaughter’s safety. She said she would gladly put up with the abuse if it meant she could be sure her daughter was safe. I told her there would have come a time when not even living with the man would guarantee the safety of my grandchild. No one is safe from a sociopath, and I know it’s the hardest illness in the world to prove.

We don’t have money for security cameras or even a video camera. My mom who lives with my daughter is on Social Security, my daughter has been looking for work for a year and all she’s been able to do is sell cosmetics, and I don’t make enough to provide much support to them. We’re living in fear every day. After last night I don’t feel safe going home, as I live alone. There doesn’t seem to be any way to stop him and nobody is listening to us. Please, if you can help us. Tell us what to do now. We are all out of ideas and he’s got visitation again on November 12th. I fear most for my granddaughter’s life.

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78 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I fear for my granddaughter’s life"

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Dear EB and Veronica,

Great advice EB, and the driveway zingers are great. Some of them you have to DRIVE OVER them before they ding though, others are like an electric eye and if anything passes by and cuts the beam it dings at the house.

I loved the business P complaining that you had security cameras up! hee hee Now what is wrong with or illegal about that! ha ha

Dear Veronica,

Congratulations, unfortuately with spath’s, they don’t go down easy. I am just so thankful that your grand daughter will be heard. She deserves so much better than the abuse he was dishing out.

Keep vigilant, he still may be trying to find a way to disrupt your or your daughters lives. They can’t internalize blame so unfortually we become the target of their ire.

Maybe, since he was caught by the law, he will step back from his evil plans. I hope you have some peace now. You and your family deserve to have a peaceful holiday. Blessings!

Ok, EB, I signed up for PACER, I read part of the instruction manual and it seems it is only for FEDERAL court information….I am going to see what is on line on my county if anything…my guess is nothing is on line. LOL I think their phone system is 2 tuna cans and a string! LOL

I know the feds do prosecute SOME drug cases, but the state also prosecutes some, I’m not sure why some are Federal cases and some are state cases unless it has to do with crossing state lines.

If you do a search for “John Doe” by name on Pacer, are you likely to get hit by 10,000 pages of charges? I wasn’t clear on that one, as some kinds of things are “capped” at 30 pages but it warns that some are NOT capped at 30 pages. So can you tell me how that works. I did get the “$10 or less is not billed” bit which is good.

Some states (like HI) do not have an online system for their state. They log everything through Pacer.
It does contain state info……for some states. IF the state uses the Pacer system. Each state is Different. CA uses an online state system, and some charges also show up on Pacer… go figure.
The one thing I have learned through this ordeal….is CROSS REFERENCING! One site doesn’t necessarily get you ALL info…..but another crumb to take you to another site.

Pacer takes some getting ‘used’ to……learning the ropes of the site.
I usually log on…..go to all courts……(which shows Bankruptcy, civil, criminal cases)……by state.
If you don’t have a birthdate and the name is common….john doe… have to decipher ‘which’ guy is the one your looking for. (This is where comes in handy).
If you know your guy has lived in UTAH, and you come across charges in UTAH…….go to the docket sheet……you can also click on the blue docket numbers and if the record hasn’t been sealed, you can read individual motions or rulings.

THEN….you can contact that court and request the court clerk go through this case file with you……for better understanding…..and also request address info. I’ts all public records…..

Pacer shows (participating states) district court, circuit court, federal court, bankruptcy, small claims, traffic court………

ALSO…..make sure you enter LAST NAME FIRST!
I was looking for someone I knew as ‘freddie’. I typed in Frederick….nothing….Freddie/Freddy…..nothing……
So, it doens’t always show ‘legal’ name.

My business spath goes by his middle name. His first name is Joseph.
One court it showed up as Joe, one Joseph, One Joseph Billy, One Billy Joseph. WITH DIFFERENT BIRTHDATE.
(ofwhich BTW….I kindly informed that court of info from Birthcert and correct BIRTHDATE) Otherwise the records get skewed and when he is charged in another state, the record gaslight occors and they don’t ‘catch up to him! My ‘civic’ duty eh?

Crossing state lines is a federal offense, and international drug trafficing = federal. If the DEA is involved….it’s federal charges…..if local cop busts…..just a felony. It depends on how they are ‘caught’.

Yes Oxy….I was so ‘pleased’ with myself when he’s complaining to the courts that I installed ‘covert’ camera’s inside motion lights…..

I said, yes, I do have a complex, security system installed…..and I’m perplexed, your honor, why this is a problem for Mr. Business Spath?

Classic……but shows just how smart they think they are….and just how stupid they really are!~!!!!

Cost me $10 bucks for a great laugh and a bit of inside knowledge on how ignorant he really is.

I’m heading back out to play snowman again!
Another foot of snow last night…..and blizzard conditions…..tonight it’s supposed to get to 0 degrees! Shiat…..and I said I didn’t live in Buffalo NY? Buffalo has arrived!!!!


Veronica –

I am absolutely thrilled for you, your daughter and granddaughter. Now use this time to strike and strike hard. This is where kick him while he is down is a GOOD thing.


Thanks EB I am sure I will have more questions when I am “approved” and get my password. I just signed up today. So it will be a while before I get it (it said)

I know the Trojan Horse P’s SS# DOB and all that, so I can find stuff on him if it is on there.

I will start the search for the state records by county etc. He is also on the state sex offender’s list as well, but because he got it REDUCED down to a “level 2” instead of the LEVEL 4, HIGH RISK FOR VIOLENCE he was in Texas, he is not “mapped” and you have to search for him by NAME, but he does show up. I asked them WHY he got reduced and they said “because he didn’t do those crimes in ARKANSAS” CHILD RAPE in another state is not such a big crime in this state, obviously! LOL Makes me feel safe to let my kids go out and play doesn’t it? NOT!

Thanks for all your tips, EB, I’ll play around with this and see what I can find. I got copies of some of the police reports from my P son’s murder case that I hadn’t seen before when the attorney got the package ready to go to the parole board. I had heard the “stories” they laid out but hadn’t read the reports, truthfully, I didn’t know where to find them. Was interesting to read though, and I think has given me some closure on that part of it.

I am going to contact her family via my attorney AFTER the parole hearing as THEY have the RIGHT FOREVER to go before the parole board and I don’t have, and I want to make sure that they EXERCISE that right. If it will give them some support I want to do that as well. I am actually a bit hesitant to give them my contact information other than via the attorney, or a cell phone number, simply because I don’t know these people and what I have heard about them I don’t want them “driving by my house shooting out the windows” and they did drive by my husband’s nieces’ house where P-son had been living and several times screamed out the windows of their car at the people living in the house—who had nothing to do with the murder except letting my P son live there. I can understand their frustration and pain and don’t “hold it against them” for sure, but I just don’t want them to take any residual anger out on me in case they feel that way. Whether they understand it or not, I AM ON THEIR SIDE.

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