Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Veronica.” She fears for her granddaughter’s life, and it appears that she has reason to.
I’m desperate and very afraid. I hope you can help and help quickly.
My daughter was married to a man, who by all accounts, appeared to be the most wonderful guy in the world. It wasn’t until after she left him that she finally confided in me as to the truth of their relationship and I was horrified. I know he is definitely a sociopath.
For 5 years he made her life a living hell. The only reason she stayed with him she said was because it was the only way to protect her daughter. She left him over a year ago, and filed for divorce in May of this year. She was also given an order of protection (which he has violated numerous times), as he threatened my daughter and told her he was going to take my grandchild out of the country. We even showed the judge a video this man had made using his cell phone of himself badgering and pushing my granddaughter when she was only 18 months old. He cried when he saw the video. He told the judge my daughter made him do that. He said that’s the method they were using to potty train her. I sat there stunned when he said that, but I thought the judge would see through such an obvious lie! They lived with me during that time, and none of that happened. My daughter asked the judge to let me testify and he said no.
In the end, the judge saw in him a loving father and would not give her sole custody without any contact with the father. This has proven to be a grievous mistake on the judge’s part.
Injuries and threats
Twice we have had to call the police because my 4-year-old granddaughter came home injured. The first time he kicked her. They took pictures, they talked to him and of course he said he had no idea how it happened. Then he started sneaking into my daughter’s yard at night. Parking two doors down at the abandoned house. Each time we tried to get a picture, all we got was his back or a blur as he ran away. The police said that proves nothing. I’ve seen him several drive real slow in front of my daughter’s house with the dome light on, giving us the finger or a sinister smile. He’s gone by the time the police get there. He drives different cars, a black 4 door sedan, a tan Camry, a red Aveo and a dark small truck.
On the 3rd of October he had visitation. When my daughter when to pick up my grandchild, my grandchild ran away and said she didn’t want to go with my daughter. “Daddy” picked her up and put her in my daughter’s car. When they were on the way home, my daughter asked my granddaughter why she acted that way and was told “daddy said if I didn’t do that he wouldn’t play with me anymore, but if I did, he would play with me every day.” My daughter called me and told me about the incident. Unfortunately, I got mad and called him. I asked him to stop using her as a pawn. Naturally he denied it. “I would never do that.” He kept yelling so I hung up. He called back and started yelling again. I said “Look, I just called to ask you to stop playing these games with her.” He said “You think this is a game?! I will show you the kinds of games I can play and you won’t survive.” He yelled, “Leave me alone” and hung up.
A few minutes later he sent me a text message. “You guys need to tell her if she continues to say things that aren’t true she’s gonna get in trouble. And apparently you need to think REALLY hard before you open your mouth about anything.” I know from past experience that was a threat to me and my grandchild. As it was a Sunday, I went early the next morning to court to get a protection order for myself. It was granted. However, it took almost 3 weeks to serve it as he kept avoiding the Constable.
Cigarette burn
On the 16th of October he again had visitation. When my daughter picked up my granddaughter in the evening and got her home, it was about bed time. As my daughter was helping her get her pajamas on, she saw blood and a sore in the middle of her back slightly larger than the diameter of a pencil. She asked how it happened.
“Daddy poked me.”
“Why did daddy poke you?”
“I don’t know, he said it was fair, but it wasn’t.”
“Why did daddy say it was fair?”
“I think he thought I poked him, but I didn’t. I kissed him on the cheek.”
“What were you doing when daddy poked you?”
“I was rolling the ball to (her half-sister).”
“Show me how daddy poked you”
She got up and took her index finger and poked my daughter as hard as she could in the back and moved her finger in a manner like you’d use to crush out a cigarette.
I was in the room and looked at the injury. Something didn’t look right so I went and got a magnifying glass. I said, this doesn’t look like a “poke” this looks like a burn. Because the local police had told us before not to call them, but to contact the police in the city where the incident occurred, we bundled her up and drove to my house and called the police from there. They came out and talked to all three of us. My granddaughter again showed the policeman how the injury occurred and they took pictures.
Two weeks later the detectives finally called him in for questioning. But naturally, he was shocked, he cried, he demanded to know who did it. He even brought in his other two daughters who said they had no idea she had been hurt. Even though my granddaughter had told the officers her older sister had kissed the owie to try to make her feel better. Obviously, he’s threatening her half sisters, too. The detective knew it was a cigarette burn, but here is what appears to be a loving father, so they let him go.
“Make us disappear”
Saturday, October 30th he saw my grandchild again. When she came home she told my mom and my daughter, “Daddy said if I tell the truth, he will kill us all and make us disappear.” We have no idea what to do. The police are starting to think we’re the crazy ones, so we didn’t call to report it.
Last night I got an urgent call from my daughter at 11:30 pm. She said he had been there messing with the outside electrical main box. She said first the back yard light went off, then came on, then various house lights went off and back on. She ran to the back of the house to look through the window at the junction box, but all she saw was him running away.
I went over and we looked at the box. It was obvious it had been opened. We got a padlock and locked it up, then spent most of the night awake with fear. The dogs went wild with barking at 2:30 in the morning. We couldn’t see anything outside, though. We have no idea what he has in mind, but we do believe he is planning to make good on his threat to make us disappear.
My daughter says she regrets divorcing him because now she can’t ensure my granddaughter’s safety. She said she would gladly put up with the abuse if it meant she could be sure her daughter was safe. I told her there would have come a time when not even living with the man would guarantee the safety of my grandchild. No one is safe from a sociopath, and I know it’s the hardest illness in the world to prove.
We don’t have money for security cameras or even a video camera. My mom who lives with my daughter is on Social Security, my daughter has been looking for work for a year and all she’s been able to do is sell cosmetics, and I don’t make enough to provide much support to them. We’re living in fear every day. After last night I don’t feel safe going home, as I live alone. There doesn’t seem to be any way to stop him and nobody is listening to us. Please, if you can help us. Tell us what to do now. We are all out of ideas and he’s got visitation again on November 12th. I fear most for my granddaughter’s life.
Dear Veronica, I am sorry to hear of your story and understand your anxieties. I like your daughter spent far longer with my S husband than I should have because I felt it was better the devil I knew. If I was with him I thought I could protect myself and my children better.
I was lucky as my daughter and I have been free of him for nearly 3 years. I truly feel for you, your Daughter and especially your Grand Daughter. You are doing what is needed and that is trying to get as much on him as possible. It is important to keep building a file on this person and eventually hopefully you will get a Judge that will make the ‘Right’ decision and your grand daughter visitations with her father. The only other thing that I could suggest is having your grand daughter see a (Child) psychologist as they can give evidence in court on your Grand Daughters emotional well being.
Keep a Diary of everything he does and of your grand daughters visits with him, her conversations, everything!
Never give up the fight to protect your love ones. My ex threatened to kill me many times but he obviously found some else he enjoys bullying as I have not heard or seen him in years. He lost control of me and our daughter as I was granted sole custody so he lost interest.
Good luck, and best wishes to you and your family.
Dear Veronica,
I am so sorry to hear your story, and you have my prayers and my empathy.
I suggest that your daughter (with you as a witness) contact child protective services directly, and that you and she together contact a domestic violence shelter.
The people at the DV shelter have dealt with this kind of man before and they should have some “ins” with the local law enforcement to help protect you, your daughter and your granddaughter. It sounds like this man is holding all of you hostage.
He also does sound like he is VERY dangerous. .My own son is dangerous to me and tried to have me killed, so I am very realistic about how dangerous some of the psychopaths can be physically.
Collect evidence, and keep a journal and also go back and write down the things he has done in the past with as close to the date as you can with as many eye witnesses to this as you can.
Getting a judge to “see” may be very difficult, but contacting those who CAN and should be able to help you, like the people at the DV shelter.
Call the electric company and have a locked box put on your electrical connections outside. There should be one on the meter anyway.
Make sure that you and your mom and your daughter have CELL phones so he can’t cut the line of communication at your house.
A good and CHEAP thing for self protection is pepper spray but around the house Several of us have kept SPRAY OVEN CLEANER and SPRAY WASP AND HORNET SPRAY (it will shoot a stream up to 20 feet) it is cheap enough to keep a can in every room and in your car as well.
If possible, a small yappy dog might be worth its weight in gold.
Make sure you have a LOCKING gas tank cap, and that your car’s hood is locked down. You can’t keep him from cutting your tires or things like that but hopefully you can keep him from putting sugar in your tank.
Always check under the car before you drive out to look for puddles of oil to make sure he hasn’t loosened the oil drain so your oil all spills out and ruins the engine.
Right now he is running a campaign of terror, and having lived in one of those myself I realize how awful and powerless it can make you feel. Worrying about your daughter and your Granddaughter makes it worse than worrying about yourself.
If you have a faith, hold tightly to it and pray. Believe it or not, throughout all the hell my psychopathic son put me, it strengthened my faith in God. God bless you and your family. It sounds like you have truly got a monster on your hands.
Don’t give up until you find the agency that will help you….I think the DV shelter, Child protective services, or a local social worker or mental health worker should be more empathetic than the cops would be. Pull out all the stops. If your daughter isn’t working, and if your GD is on medicaide or has private insurance you might get her to a physician first, tell the doctor what is going on and then see if he will make a mental health referral for the child. Hopefully you can get a mental health provider who knows what a psychopath is and knows what EMOTIONAL abuse and stalking is. Good luck, and keep on reaching out. (((Hugs))))
Once again Oxy, very very good advise!
Contacted the PI I used to investigate the SP. He put the information in the SP folder and suggested that I get a small hand held tape recorder(at Radio Shack) and if the guy should call or accost me to turn it on. Words speaks volumes. A woman’s shelter is good advise if you need to escape in a hurry. My SP knows I have video survillance at my home and a security sysytem. It’s better to pay for this than have cable vision.
Thanks for the wasp spray tip….I will absolutly do this.
Stay connected to this site I am glad I found it. I feel that I am pretty smart but this site has already helped me stay the course. Write here everyday.. like a diary that way there is an outside history that he cannot destroy. Stay Strong, Stay Safe and Stay Sane (my new motto)
Veronica,
If there is ever any kind of injury again, how about the local Emergency Room – to have it diagnosed and perhaps photographed. Maybe I’m wrong here, but they may be obligated to call Children’s Services then. Ofcourse, then it could become his word against your daughter’s word.
Oxy is correct, Children’s Services should be contacted, using their emergency hotline, not just a call to regular offices.
And, document, document, document EVERYTHING including the child’s own words.
Possibly a therapist for your grand daughter, that could testify about the trauma the visits are causing. Ask the divorce attorney about having a forensic psychologist do a investigation and recommendation – they look at all sides and are considered neutral. I believe they are more apt to recognize the father’s lies (although not always)
I will be thinking of your family and pray for their safety.
The digi-recorders are SMALL and very cheap and reliable as well. You can transfer the data to a disk or to your computer and keep copies in a safe deposit box in case the creep burns your house.
Also keep photos of any injuries the child has as well as tapes of her talking about them. Video recorded if possible. Video recorders are also becoming very cheap and maybe if you can’t afford one you can have a friend loan you one or better yet, witness and tape the conversation. (might be better to not let the child see she is being taped so she can’t tell her father)
You can buy cheap nanny cams that are hideable and make reasonable recordings too. Put it in the room where you are interviewing the child. State the date and time of the recording too, “casually” so the kid doesn’t catch on. Or show a newspaper headline clearly so you can identify the DATE of the tape.
Document document document!!!!
Dear Veronica,
This guy is SCARY! I know you’re already scared but I concur with the advise given above. I also think if there is another injury, the E.R. is an excellent idea. They MUST document and report and that would stand in your favor.
If possible, I encourage all of you to disappear as he threatened your granddaughter he would do.
And in all of this, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT..I have learned the importance of writing it down, including time, place and day. No detail is too small to document. When all is said and done, all of those details tell the TRUE story. And pictures and videos? Even better!
Ox, right on! They ARE small and I would make sure it was all safely stored. I’ve also learned the importance of backing up what I’ve documented. I keep evidence in more than one place.
One of the beliefs my ex spath had was that I wasn’t smart enough to keep track of details. He was wrong. I purposely let him think that. I purposely let him think I was actually reacting to him emotionally when in reality, I was storing away details because they were proof and I needed that.
I had to play games myself in order to get proof. I do NOT like games, but if playing those games gave me what I needed, then so be it. It was either play or lose even more, not to mention my son, who finally feels safe with me.
My wish is that you, your granddaughter and daughter and everyone else is protected from this person. He gives me the creeps and I think he has only begun to show how physically violent he can be.
LF is here and you are no longer alone.
Sending prayers for your safety,
Cat
Veronica,
You are in a tough place, you, your daughter, and your grandchild. The ex-husband sounds like an absolute creep who needs a bigger creep to put him in his place. Are there other family members, friends, etc. that you could turn to for help? If you lived in my area, I would open my home to you, just to get you to a safe place. Getting some recording equipment would be a good investment, something that you could put on the exterior of the house to catch him when he trespasses onto your daughter’s property. Can you contact Child Protective Services ASAP, telling them what abuse has transpired so far and get them involved in your situation, making it clear to them that this child should not have unsupervised visits with her dad, having them go to bat for you?
Veronica:
Welcome to LF. I’m glad you found us here!
It sounds as if you completely understand ‘what’ your dealing with in this monster.
Now…..what to do about it.
Like the above posts…..Document EVERYTHING. Keep a simple dated journal with pictures printed, statements made, threats, drivebyes…..all of it.
For ‘easy’ recolection.
I am a BIG advocate for security cameras. I don’t care what you have to live without…..eat top ramen for the month…..GET THEM!
They are NOT expensive, you can get night vision, recordable, time stamped, motion sensed cheap ones…..just make SURE they record.
DO that at all costs…..THAT will provide the cops your ‘evidence’ of harassment AND stalking….PERIOD!
Contact Child services yourself.
Don’t ever HESITATE to call the police……eventually they will GET IT! Police are there to SERVE THE PUBLIC. Make them serve YOU/D/GD.
Don’t take NO for an answer. It’s a right and puts the city in a liability situation if the neglect your calls.
DEMAND you file a report.
Take a copy yourself of EACH report you file with the police….BEFORE YOU HAND IT OVER.
Get an extra stament sheet from cops…..and photocopy it….your gonna need extras. This way , with each incident you call fill out the report PRIOR to the cops showing up and when the cops are there, you can spend that time taking them out to the electrical box, or to the abandoned house or whatever to spend that time on DETAILS, rather than you both trying to remember what to write in a statement.
KEEP all copies of EVRYTHING, injuries, statements, whatever YOURSELF…..duplicate that file and keep it offsite.
I’ve learned that we must only rely on ourselves…..and KEEP PUSHING with ALL agencies in order to protect yourself.
Get the wasp spray, oven cleaner……get a digi recorder…$30 wallmart……
Record all of gdaughters statements, (without her knowing and without D or you prodding for information). Be prepared when she does come back from daddy-0’s with recorder and video camera…..all phones have em now.
Key here is remain vigilant, call the cops, follow through and DON”T LET ANYONE, cops or spath intimidate you and silence you.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter and g. daughter…..it’s a long road…..PREPARE FOR IT.
First order of business……>GET THE CAMERAS!
XXOO
EB
Oh, and never tell him ANYTHING.
Expect it ALL to be turned back on you…..
You must remain on the offensive…..NOT defensive.
They are masters at the set up.
Expect him to call child services the moment gd get’s into his ‘custody’…..he’ll harm her and then call the authorities to cloud the picture as a ‘he said, she said’ situation.(look what mommy did)….and both parents will be under investigation…..it’s best your daughter calls first and opens up a case…….this is where your diligence will eventually pay off with the police reports.
Key word…eventually.