Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Veronica.” She fears for her granddaughter’s life, and it appears that she has reason to.
I’m desperate and very afraid. I hope you can help and help quickly.
My daughter was married to a man, who by all accounts, appeared to be the most wonderful guy in the world. It wasn’t until after she left him that she finally confided in me as to the truth of their relationship and I was horrified. I know he is definitely a sociopath.
For 5 years he made her life a living hell. The only reason she stayed with him she said was because it was the only way to protect her daughter. She left him over a year ago, and filed for divorce in May of this year. She was also given an order of protection (which he has violated numerous times), as he threatened my daughter and told her he was going to take my grandchild out of the country. We even showed the judge a video this man had made using his cell phone of himself badgering and pushing my granddaughter when she was only 18 months old. He cried when he saw the video. He told the judge my daughter made him do that. He said that’s the method they were using to potty train her. I sat there stunned when he said that, but I thought the judge would see through such an obvious lie! They lived with me during that time, and none of that happened. My daughter asked the judge to let me testify and he said no.
In the end, the judge saw in him a loving father and would not give her sole custody without any contact with the father. This has proven to be a grievous mistake on the judge’s part.
Injuries and threats
Twice we have had to call the police because my 4-year-old granddaughter came home injured. The first time he kicked her. They took pictures, they talked to him and of course he said he had no idea how it happened. Then he started sneaking into my daughter’s yard at night. Parking two doors down at the abandoned house. Each time we tried to get a picture, all we got was his back or a blur as he ran away. The police said that proves nothing. I’ve seen him several drive real slow in front of my daughter’s house with the dome light on, giving us the finger or a sinister smile. He’s gone by the time the police get there. He drives different cars, a black 4 door sedan, a tan Camry, a red Aveo and a dark small truck.
On the 3rd of October he had visitation. When my daughter when to pick up my grandchild, my grandchild ran away and said she didn’t want to go with my daughter. “Daddy” picked her up and put her in my daughter’s car. When they were on the way home, my daughter asked my granddaughter why she acted that way and was told “daddy said if I didn’t do that he wouldn’t play with me anymore, but if I did, he would play with me every day.” My daughter called me and told me about the incident. Unfortunately, I got mad and called him. I asked him to stop using her as a pawn. Naturally he denied it. “I would never do that.” He kept yelling so I hung up. He called back and started yelling again. I said “Look, I just called to ask you to stop playing these games with her.” He said “You think this is a game?! I will show you the kinds of games I can play and you won’t survive.” He yelled, “Leave me alone” and hung up.
A few minutes later he sent me a text message. “You guys need to tell her if she continues to say things that aren’t true she’s gonna get in trouble. And apparently you need to think REALLY hard before you open your mouth about anything.” I know from past experience that was a threat to me and my grandchild. As it was a Sunday, I went early the next morning to court to get a protection order for myself. It was granted. However, it took almost 3 weeks to serve it as he kept avoiding the Constable.
Cigarette burn
On the 16th of October he again had visitation. When my daughter picked up my granddaughter in the evening and got her home, it was about bed time. As my daughter was helping her get her pajamas on, she saw blood and a sore in the middle of her back slightly larger than the diameter of a pencil. She asked how it happened.
“Daddy poked me.”
“Why did daddy poke you?”
“I don’t know, he said it was fair, but it wasn’t.”
“Why did daddy say it was fair?”
“I think he thought I poked him, but I didn’t. I kissed him on the cheek.”
“What were you doing when daddy poked you?”
“I was rolling the ball to (her half-sister).”
“Show me how daddy poked you”
She got up and took her index finger and poked my daughter as hard as she could in the back and moved her finger in a manner like you’d use to crush out a cigarette.
I was in the room and looked at the injury. Something didn’t look right so I went and got a magnifying glass. I said, this doesn’t look like a “poke” this looks like a burn. Because the local police had told us before not to call them, but to contact the police in the city where the incident occurred, we bundled her up and drove to my house and called the police from there. They came out and talked to all three of us. My granddaughter again showed the policeman how the injury occurred and they took pictures.
Two weeks later the detectives finally called him in for questioning. But naturally, he was shocked, he cried, he demanded to know who did it. He even brought in his other two daughters who said they had no idea she had been hurt. Even though my granddaughter had told the officers her older sister had kissed the owie to try to make her feel better. Obviously, he’s threatening her half sisters, too. The detective knew it was a cigarette burn, but here is what appears to be a loving father, so they let him go.
“Make us disappear”
Saturday, October 30th he saw my grandchild again. When she came home she told my mom and my daughter, “Daddy said if I tell the truth, he will kill us all and make us disappear.” We have no idea what to do. The police are starting to think we’re the crazy ones, so we didn’t call to report it.
Last night I got an urgent call from my daughter at 11:30 pm. She said he had been there messing with the outside electrical main box. She said first the back yard light went off, then came on, then various house lights went off and back on. She ran to the back of the house to look through the window at the junction box, but all she saw was him running away.
I went over and we looked at the box. It was obvious it had been opened. We got a padlock and locked it up, then spent most of the night awake with fear. The dogs went wild with barking at 2:30 in the morning. We couldn’t see anything outside, though. We have no idea what he has in mind, but we do believe he is planning to make good on his threat to make us disappear.
My daughter says she regrets divorcing him because now she can’t ensure my granddaughter’s safety. She said she would gladly put up with the abuse if it meant she could be sure her daughter was safe. I told her there would have come a time when not even living with the man would guarantee the safety of my grandchild. No one is safe from a sociopath, and I know it’s the hardest illness in the world to prove.
We don’t have money for security cameras or even a video camera. My mom who lives with my daughter is on Social Security, my daughter has been looking for work for a year and all she’s been able to do is sell cosmetics, and I don’t make enough to provide much support to them. We’re living in fear every day. After last night I don’t feel safe going home, as I live alone. There doesn’t seem to be any way to stop him and nobody is listening to us. Please, if you can help us. Tell us what to do now. We are all out of ideas and he’s got visitation again on November 12th. I fear most for my granddaughter’s life.
Dear Veronica, Glad you checked back in.
I hear your pain, and your anxiety and my heart melts for you and your family!
Well, if he is filming her “pretending to be scared” then you need to film her saying she is PRETENDING TO BE SCARED. He is obviously fabricating a phony tape, so counter with one of your own, but I would make sure that the child did not know she was being filmed.
Did you contact the domestic violence shelter people? They may be able to help you deal with the child protective services. They have seen this kind of thing before.
Maybe when your daughter dresses the girl to go with her father, she can have a neighbor lady or friend there to examine the child and make sure there are no MARKS ON HER when she goes, and then have that same lady there when the child comes home and gets undressed for bed so there will be a WITNESS to any marks. Also an AUDIO recorder, the digi ones you can have in a pocket and they make pretty good recordings.
Pictures, videos, witnesses, anything you can gather. Sounds like there is going to be a FIGHT.
In the meantime, YOU keep safe.
You are in my prayers and I know that there are others here too who will also put you in their prayers.
What state do you live in? I have a friend in a national domestic violence group and I might be able to get some help through her organization. I’ll contact her on face book and then send donna her information to put you in contact with her. She might have so ideas that I don’t have or know resources I don’t know about.
((((hugs))) and God bless.
veronica, I am praying for you and your family.
I hope you will be able to buy more security cameras
(when you have the money)
and have them at several locations at your daughter’s place,
and at yours!!! I love to hear that your brother is coming over
to put lights in your backyard. My brother has helped me do
things around the house and he has no idea how much I love him
for always being here when I need him.
I am glad you have family and friends at church who love you. God Bless.
Veronica:
I’m glad you got a camera….this WILL help!
Please keep in mind….patience and stamina is required when dealing with a spath.
Never EVER let him know what your doing, thinking, planning etc….
Strike like a snake in waiting. Hard and venemous.
Which means you need an overkill of venom (documentation).
I think the best thing for your GD would be counseling. The childs advocate will KNOW how to get her to open up and when your GD speaks of these things…..she will have no choice but to report. This will put the spath in the position of CRYING to the courts that HIS daughter is NOT to see this counsellor again. This won’t look good.
Unfortunately, abuse is a HARD thing to prove. But it can be done. Just remain vigilant and NEVER give up!
Don’t lose your faith in the ‘process’……..prepare yourself for the long haul.
It took about 11 violations of an extended order of protection for the spath to finally get arrested…..and even then…..he couldn’t be prosecuted in the end. We (me and my kids) kept calling the police, EACH and EVERY TIME! Filed report after report…….and finally NOW…..the police in my town are FULLY aware of his behaviors and ‘who’ he is and how slippery he is.
IT’s the game they play.
Your behaviors and demeanor must remain calm at ALL TIMES. Don’t let him have ANYTHING on you.
Remember, just because a 4 year old says she wants to live with daddy…….it will be UP TO THE THERAPISTs report……the court will never listen to a 4 years olds ‘opinion’…..they have seen this many rodeos before your spath got there. This is the reason for court appointed GAL’s.
Take the preemptive strike…..and find an available child therapist, even if you drive 100 miles there and back.
He wants you to show fear of him…..and be fearfull of him.
Gather up your strength and NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT! EVER! It’s food for him.
Decide on your safety measures and implement them.
Get angry and take action.
DON”T GO ON THE DEFENSIVE…..take the offensive. ALWAYS.
You will never be able to control what/how he does things. Don’t try. …
Plot your own (with daughter) strategy and move forward implementing it.
He will try and derail you at every turn…….just take notes.
Each accusation…..Never take personally…….it’s a gift from him, learn to listen to everything and understand this is what he’s doing or planning……he’s giving you a heads up on his next move.
Don’t appear too eager in your exposure of him……keep the emotions under wrap. (this is difficult but essential).
Keep a balance, don’t let him throw you off balance like he’s doing. Your in control of that.
Fear will paralyze you…….overcome that.
In my horror with the spath, what helped me was to realize, this situation IS what it is…..bad, terrorizing horrid.
So……I couldn’t change that…..but I decided….in order to move forward, I had NOT be afraid to die. That is the ultimate freedom. (I didn’t want to die, I just had to ‘jump’ that hurdle).
Please go and read my article here on LF. Finding your ADAMANT. I think it’s in the September archives.
Once you find your adamant……you can DO ANYTHING!
So….take the offensive, find your adamant and plot your strategy and only strike like a snake…..NEVER respond to him or his actions……EVER.
There is a website called ‘OUR FAMILY WIZARD’ that we recommend also for your D to communicate with the spath on Child issues. It documents everything communicated between the two.
Your going to have to get the game face on and play the game….only YOU write the rules.
He is only doing these things to your GD to get to your D. It works…..you both can’t let on to him that it is working.
Good luck, stay safe and keep posting and gathering your support and ‘team’.
XXOO
EB
Veronica,
Glad to hear from you. TWILIGHT ZONE – I too use this term, that is exactly what it feels like. I hear you on not knowing how to deal with this unbelievable circumstance, I too have never even had a traffic ticket. I too am a grandmother. I understand the Children’s Services, sometimes you get lucky and find someone that will listen, sometimes not.
Something I will warn you about. In our state, if you video the child relating things about the other parent, it is automatically thrown out of court and you can be accused of parental alienation. It probably is not a good idea. Seeing he is doing this, hopefully it will backfire. With a child this young, in our state, the child goes directly into the judges chambers, without either parent, and is questioned by a child psychologist ONLY, or like I mentioned in my previous post, a forensic psychologist can be ordered to do an investigation into both parents and the child.
Although I have not used “OUR FAMILY WIZARD” I have read their web site and it looks like the perfect option. I think it is a great idea.
Please stay safe and know there are people on here who have lived it and understand and BELIEVE you.
MiLo
Veronica,
Another thought – I think therapy/counseling is SO important for your granddaughter, for many reasons. I am sure you have checked and rechecked, but having to wait for free counseling services is appalling. If she is covered under some sort of private health insurance, they should pay for these services. If she is enrolled, or can be enrolled in Medicaid, in our state, they pay for counseling also.
Again, I can only speak to the laws as I know them in our state, but the child’s therapist cannot make recommendations concerning visitation, HOWEVER they can comment and/or testify as to what effect the visitation has on the child and this will USUALLY be taken seriously by a court. This is really HUGE in a situation like yours. I would really focus on this if I were you. It will take time for the therapist to establish a relationship with the child, so sooner is better than later.
Prayers are with you. – MiLo
Veronica,
It is good to hear from you. What is encouraging to learn (from your post) is that you have friends, family members (your brother), and a church group who are listening to you, acting on your behalf. I was wondering if there might be a counselor (and/or therapist) in your church who could meet with your granddaughter, offering his/her services free-of-charge. It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, so raise the alarm about your situation to others, informing people (anyone) about the seriousness of your situation. People might just start coming out of the woodwork, bringing much needed support your way. Finally, how you’re handling your granddaughter (having her tell the truth, trying to explain to her that your goal is for her daddy to learn how to be a good father) is a positive approach. I know that this is an awful experience, feeling BADLY for you and your girls (daughter and granddaughter). Thank God that you’re in the picture, trying to make things better for everyone. Our LF prayers are with you.
Dear Veronica,
Even though you might NOT be able to use tapes of the child talking, I would go ahead and MAKE THEM SECRETLY (so even the child doesn’t know she is being taped) even if they can’t be used in the family court NOW they might be excellent evidence later in a criminal prosecution of her father. Just don’t disclose that you have them until you KNOW what the reprecussions of the tapes would be.
EVIDENCE in any form is something you should keep SAFE. I would also recommend that you get a safety deposit box at a bank and keep originals of all tapes, police reports, photos etc. in that box where it is fire safe and theft safe. Keep only copies hidden in your own home. Frankly a last ditch effort to get rid of evidence is FIRE so make sure you have a fire safe plan as well. How to get OUR of your house safely in case of fire. Keep your bedroom door closed at night, and locked or blocked from the inside. Make sure you are in a room that you can use something to break a window and get out safely to the ground. I know all this sounds paranoid but just “because you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you.”
Also get you several cans of the wasp spray which shoots a stream up to 20 feet and keep them in childproof or out of reach areas but easily and instantly accessible to YOU, all over your house so one is handy at all times. One in your car, and by your bed. Take one outside to the yard and practice spraying it so you get the feel for it.
And please do get yourself and your daughter to a domestic violence shelter in your area and TALK to them and see if they have any ideas on things you can our should do. They deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis and have counselors and people to help and advise you. Possibly they might get the GD moved up on the list at counseling! Good luck and God bless.
Oxy –
I do agree about making the tapes secretly, making sure that the child does not even know is a good idea. I just know some of the things that we did that seemed perfectly innocent, and were completely innocent, were viewed so negatively by the GAL and the court. Our explanation to our Grandson was exactly what Veronica and her daughter are telling their little one and I still think it is completely appropriate, BUT the GAL viewed it as disparaging the “Mom” and reported it negatively to the court.
MiLo
Dear Milo,
If I remember correctly, your GAL was an idiot as well, so maybe not all are like that.
Also, in interviewing a child, I have seen how ideas can be placed into a kid’s head like asking “what did daddy hit you with?” instead of just letting the child TALK and recording it.
Maybe responding neutrally with, “well, tell me more about what happened” rather than “leading questions” also respecting the child’s space, not getting up in their face or even holding them on your lap while they talk.
Just make it “casual” conversation with a HIDDEN CAMERA and you may have to record HOURS OF VIDEO to get the few minutes that you need.
I’ve seen examples of cops questioning kids about being raped, violating the kids’ space, the mom holding them on their lap leading them. Recently one of a man whose children were led into saying me molested them when no such thing happened. There was even a TAPE THAT PROVED NOTHING HAPPENED, and the father spent 25 years in prison…eventually got out, proved himself innocent and was restored with is kids, but WHAT A WASTE! If someone knows what they are doing they can get a 4-5 year old to say anything! even get the kids to BELIEVE anything.
How is your case going? I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are doing well and your grandson too. (((Hugs))))
Oxy,
All GAL’s are not like ours, thank God, but parental alienation is the “in vogue” or charge of the day now. In our case the therapist was allowed to ask the questions that our hands were tied (or mouths taped) to ask.
Two weeks ago, during a pretrial hearing, the magistrate hearing the case decided she was to busy to deal with it and passed it on to a “visiting judge”. Our attorney informed us we were looking at anywhere between $35,000 to $50,000 in ADDITIONAL legal bills and GAL, Forensic bills AND because the visiting judge only sat in once a month it could drag out for years. Best part, this GAL would have access to my Grandson for the duration and would basically be able to run the show. At this point, we actually felt it was easier to deal with our disordered S/P daughter than the courts. We reached an agreement – we get our legal custody returned – she gets the standard visitation BUT only if and when Grand wants to talk or visit. He is in control and that is what he needed to feel some sort of control over his life and safe once again. GUESS WHAT – the GAL has to sign off on this agreement and she is refusing!!!! We will hear this week where we go from here. UNBELIEVABLE.
The therapist is now working with Grand on how to accept the fact that the only consistent part of his Mom is that she is
inconsistent, and how to deal with it. I do know just being able to finally tell him that he is not going anywhere, he is home here for good has really helped.
Love – MiLo