Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Veronica.” She fears for her granddaughter’s life, and it appears that she has reason to.
I’m desperate and very afraid. I hope you can help and help quickly.
My daughter was married to a man, who by all accounts, appeared to be the most wonderful guy in the world. It wasn’t until after she left him that she finally confided in me as to the truth of their relationship and I was horrified. I know he is definitely a sociopath.
For 5 years he made her life a living hell. The only reason she stayed with him she said was because it was the only way to protect her daughter. She left him over a year ago, and filed for divorce in May of this year. She was also given an order of protection (which he has violated numerous times), as he threatened my daughter and told her he was going to take my grandchild out of the country. We even showed the judge a video this man had made using his cell phone of himself badgering and pushing my granddaughter when she was only 18 months old. He cried when he saw the video. He told the judge my daughter made him do that. He said that’s the method they were using to potty train her. I sat there stunned when he said that, but I thought the judge would see through such an obvious lie! They lived with me during that time, and none of that happened. My daughter asked the judge to let me testify and he said no.
In the end, the judge saw in him a loving father and would not give her sole custody without any contact with the father. This has proven to be a grievous mistake on the judge’s part.
Injuries and threats
Twice we have had to call the police because my 4-year-old granddaughter came home injured. The first time he kicked her. They took pictures, they talked to him and of course he said he had no idea how it happened. Then he started sneaking into my daughter’s yard at night. Parking two doors down at the abandoned house. Each time we tried to get a picture, all we got was his back or a blur as he ran away. The police said that proves nothing. I’ve seen him several drive real slow in front of my daughter’s house with the dome light on, giving us the finger or a sinister smile. He’s gone by the time the police get there. He drives different cars, a black 4 door sedan, a tan Camry, a red Aveo and a dark small truck.
On the 3rd of October he had visitation. When my daughter when to pick up my grandchild, my grandchild ran away and said she didn’t want to go with my daughter. “Daddy” picked her up and put her in my daughter’s car. When they were on the way home, my daughter asked my granddaughter why she acted that way and was told “daddy said if I didn’t do that he wouldn’t play with me anymore, but if I did, he would play with me every day.” My daughter called me and told me about the incident. Unfortunately, I got mad and called him. I asked him to stop using her as a pawn. Naturally he denied it. “I would never do that.” He kept yelling so I hung up. He called back and started yelling again. I said “Look, I just called to ask you to stop playing these games with her.” He said “You think this is a game?! I will show you the kinds of games I can play and you won’t survive.” He yelled, “Leave me alone” and hung up.
A few minutes later he sent me a text message. “You guys need to tell her if she continues to say things that aren’t true she’s gonna get in trouble. And apparently you need to think REALLY hard before you open your mouth about anything.” I know from past experience that was a threat to me and my grandchild. As it was a Sunday, I went early the next morning to court to get a protection order for myself. It was granted. However, it took almost 3 weeks to serve it as he kept avoiding the Constable.
Cigarette burn
On the 16th of October he again had visitation. When my daughter picked up my granddaughter in the evening and got her home, it was about bed time. As my daughter was helping her get her pajamas on, she saw blood and a sore in the middle of her back slightly larger than the diameter of a pencil. She asked how it happened.
“Daddy poked me.”
“Why did daddy poke you?”
“I don’t know, he said it was fair, but it wasn’t.”
“Why did daddy say it was fair?”
“I think he thought I poked him, but I didn’t. I kissed him on the cheek.”
“What were you doing when daddy poked you?”
“I was rolling the ball to (her half-sister).”
“Show me how daddy poked you”
She got up and took her index finger and poked my daughter as hard as she could in the back and moved her finger in a manner like you’d use to crush out a cigarette.
I was in the room and looked at the injury. Something didn’t look right so I went and got a magnifying glass. I said, this doesn’t look like a “poke” this looks like a burn. Because the local police had told us before not to call them, but to contact the police in the city where the incident occurred, we bundled her up and drove to my house and called the police from there. They came out and talked to all three of us. My granddaughter again showed the policeman how the injury occurred and they took pictures.
Two weeks later the detectives finally called him in for questioning. But naturally, he was shocked, he cried, he demanded to know who did it. He even brought in his other two daughters who said they had no idea she had been hurt. Even though my granddaughter had told the officers her older sister had kissed the owie to try to make her feel better. Obviously, he’s threatening her half sisters, too. The detective knew it was a cigarette burn, but here is what appears to be a loving father, so they let him go.
“Make us disappear”
Saturday, October 30th he saw my grandchild again. When she came home she told my mom and my daughter, “Daddy said if I tell the truth, he will kill us all and make us disappear.” We have no idea what to do. The police are starting to think we’re the crazy ones, so we didn’t call to report it.
Last night I got an urgent call from my daughter at 11:30 pm. She said he had been there messing with the outside electrical main box. She said first the back yard light went off, then came on, then various house lights went off and back on. She ran to the back of the house to look through the window at the junction box, but all she saw was him running away.
I went over and we looked at the box. It was obvious it had been opened. We got a padlock and locked it up, then spent most of the night awake with fear. The dogs went wild with barking at 2:30 in the morning. We couldn’t see anything outside, though. We have no idea what he has in mind, but we do believe he is planning to make good on his threat to make us disappear.
My daughter says she regrets divorcing him because now she can’t ensure my granddaughter’s safety. She said she would gladly put up with the abuse if it meant she could be sure her daughter was safe. I told her there would have come a time when not even living with the man would guarantee the safety of my grandchild. No one is safe from a sociopath, and I know it’s the hardest illness in the world to prove.
We don’t have money for security cameras or even a video camera. My mom who lives with my daughter is on Social Security, my daughter has been looking for work for a year and all she’s been able to do is sell cosmetics, and I don’t make enough to provide much support to them. We’re living in fear every day. After last night I don’t feel safe going home, as I live alone. There doesn’t seem to be any way to stop him and nobody is listening to us. Please, if you can help us. Tell us what to do now. We are all out of ideas and he’s got visitation again on November 12th. I fear most for my granddaughter’s life.
Years ago, I read somewhere, that the “presenting” person in therapy was often the healthiest member of the disfunctional family. The person who seeks help first, is probably the scape-goat of the family system, and the only one who sees and speaks the truth…they are the ones who are heaped with the family burden of disfunction, but, in truth they tend to recognize the whole dynamic long before any of the other family members are willing to aknowledge it.
It wasn’t long after that, in my studies for my Lit degree, I read William Faulner’s, “As I Lay Dying”, and found that the Bundrun family truley supported that analysis.
Don’t know how many of you enjoy fiction, but if you’re interested in a unique form of story-telling, that is both tragic and comic, and that looks at the idea of disfunction in familys, intimately, with a really interesting episode in scape-goating, this is the book for you.
Great thread, by the way. Oh, did you know the word “tragedy” comes from the greek, and translates to, “goat song”? Just a bit of trivia for ya. Hope everybodys doing well!
Kimmie, Missed you GF how are things going for YOU??? (((hugs)))) great comments! I love the things you know, I keep forgetting you have a lit degree and know all these cool things to read!
Well, Ox, my daughter, grandson and myself are in the process of moving. Leaving abusive SIL behind to deal with himself. It’s a difficult and emotional time for all of us, but a new beginning, I think. I only hope my daughter sticks to her guns…she is learning that he is manipulative, bullying, decietful, blame-shifting and scape-goating. It’s a real upheaval, but she recognizes that it is inevitable…so, say a prayer for us.
Dear Kimmie
There is always a prayer in my heart for you and your family, and I am glad that your daughter and you have each other to support that young boy through this upset in his young life too, but your D will be better off without the manipulative person in her life and so will the grandson…
I know it will be difficult for you as well, and there will be some financial hurdles to cross but TOGETHER you can manage.
My son D and I have been at times and at times still are, like two one-legged people holding on to each other in order to stand upright. He has still got some serious short term memory issues and the ANXIETY about those forgetful episodes that he is dealing with. We had a long talk yesterday and I didn’t really realize just HOW much difficulty he was having with that—I’m about over the worst of my self-beating up over the short term memory problems, but he is like OCD about it, double checking and rechecking his work like making sure he put the oil drain plug back in the car when he changes the oil. I can see that anxiety for sure, but we will get through it by being patient with each other and understanding. So you and your daughter hang on tight and hold each other up. Be thankful you have each other.
I know that there are people who will tell you it isn’t “healthy” for an adult child and a parent to live together, but it depends on the relationship….you have to be FRIENDS not mom and kid when they are adults…doesn’t mean you and she can’t and shouldn’t set boundaries, but just like two room mates would, or two friends, or even a couple living together…it needs to work with respect for each other. Give each other appropriate space and expect appropriate responsibilities as well.
My son C didn’t respect my boundaries for him being here, he came here with ONE rule that was not to be violated, NO LIES. He didn’t respect that boundary or rule and violated it. Anything else was negotiable, but NOT that one rule. MY house, MY rule.
Kimmie,
I’m glad your daughter is valueing herself and her son. No one deserves to live with that stress of the emotional abuse.
I hope she sticks with it…..it will be tough on her, but we both know she CAN do it, and life WILL be better.
I’m glad she has you around and vs versa! You can team up and work together to make it work for the 3 of you.
I think if more of us worked as a team, we could conquor the world.
Good luck in your move, I think your in for GOOD THINGS!!!!
I didn’t like how he treated you (and I can only assume how he treated his wife and son AND others)……I don’t like him!
I can’t imagine what the reality is day to day living like that now.
I’m glad your daughter see’s it, doesn’t like it and is taking action.
Now…..it’s time to arm up with information to protect herself from an abusive divorce!
Information IS knowledge……lead the way Mamma!
XXOO
EB
BTW….has anyone heard from Warrior, she had a hearing a few weeks ago?
Nah, I wish she’d check in!
Hello everyone,
No rest for the weary here. He was at my daughter’s again last night. Unfortunately, he went on the side of the house we don’t have a camera. But the microphone on the camera we do have picked up the sound of him trying to open the electrical box again. Surprise for him! It’s padlocked. Score 1 for our side.
Strange thing though. My daughter said she heard a beeping noise outside the house. Like a cell phone that has a dead battery. We’re now wondering if he has some sort of tracking device on her van that ran out of juice or if he’s got some sort of a recording device planted somewhere outside the house. Or if it was just his cellphone beeping. It’s so hard not to get too paranoid, you know?
He has followed my daughter before. Somehow he knows where she goes, as my granddaughter has said daddy asked her why they went here or there before my granddaughter even said anything.
My daughter is going to contact the shelter tomorrow. We just hope they take her seriously.
I know things are bad for me and my family, but my heart goes out to all of you and your families. You’ve been living with this longer than I have. I pray that all of you will have peace in your lives soon.
I am staying at my house tonight, but I know I won’t sleep well. I think I’m going to invest in more window locks and maybe see if I can find some sort of screens on craigslist to put over the windows.
It’s funny, I bought this place because it had lots of windows and the rooms were nice and bright during the day. Now I wish I had taken the house without so many windows. I wish the housing market was better. I’d actually consider selling and moving into an apartment if I could do more than break even. First and last month’s rent isn’t as cheap as it was 10 years ago.
EB I loved the poems. How true it is that things are etched onto a child’s heart. All I ever wanted for my granddaughter was a happy childhood and happy memories. But all she has now is confusion, pain and tears. She was talking to me today about how nice things were “before daddy went bad”. She doesn’t want to see him, she’s afraid of him, but she says she knows she has to visit him. I told her I was sorry, I wish I could make it better. She said that’s OK gramma, God watches me.
I know she’s right. I will check at the church and see if somebody there is or knows a therapist.
My daughter says she’s pretty sure “daddy” is doing meth again. He was a meth head before she met him. Too bad she didn’t know that before she married him. Hindsight, oh well. She says that’s why he shows up 3 or 4 times during the night for at least 3 nights in a row. His ex-girlfriend (mother of his two other daughters) said that’s the way he gets when he’s on meth. She said he would be awake for 72 hours then crash for two days. We’re seeing that pattern now. Drugs and psychos seem to go together don’t they.
Wish us luck with the DV people. Somebody has to hear us.
God bless you all. You’re all in my prayers.
Dear VEronica,
Do keep on until you find someone in authority that will listen…make yourself a pest if you must but don’t ledt them throw you off track!!! YOu might fdind a minister who would listen and be your advocate as welll, so find one with a degree and some grey hair and talk to himn as well.
DON’T give up.
Also if you know daddy is drinking or loaded and driving, call the law and get him picked up for driving drugged. Don’t let him know you turned him in though.
Keep safe!!!l MY prayers for your relief and peace!
Hi Veronica:
Take a picture of the electrical box WITH the lock onit…..i’m sure after he’s rested back up and come down from the drugs he’ll be back with bolt cutters.
Check the car out for a tracking device. They are battery operated and last a few months. Stick it on a neighbors car who travels longer and farther…. 🙂 for a bit!
OR better yet…..stick it on a cop car! He’ll wonder why she spends so much time at the station.
If he EVER had access to her cell phone he may have downloaded a spy ware on that…..it can hear every conversation whether on or off, and tells location like a tracking device. real time.
If you can trade phones with a ‘go phone’ cheapy, I’d recommend that. and go to the phone dealer and trade in her sim card for a new one. No cost there.
Take the battery out of her phone and the sim card and dispose of the ‘old’ phone.
Can you get another camera?
Also post NO TRESPASSING SIGNS around the property. (hopefully his name is NOT on lease or deed?)
Ransack her car for that tracking device. they are small, like the size of a deck of cards, or smaller, like half that size.
They have magnets on them, so under a bumper, in a wheelwell, in the engine compartment, or if he has a key….check the trunk by spare tire or under a seat inside.
He’s nuts’ not that I have to tell you this.
Don’t stop finding a voice….until you get someone to listen!!!
It’ll happen…….just don’t expect it anytime soon!
I’m glad your going home……don’t let him torture you. You need sleep to function with a clear head.
He’s only doing this to control you….intimidation IS control.
Take it back!
XXOO
EB