By | August 5, 2015 3 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I never hit her, but spent 10 weeks in jail


Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Timothy.”

It happened on May 5th. My girlfriend of almost 12 years and I had been drinking, we argued, she called the cops, and said I hit her. She got a restraining order. She cut off my mother, and our mutual friends.

I don’t remember hitting her. In fact, I have never hit her. The police didn’t care, though. The accusation was enough to jail me for ten weeks. I’m still waiting on the trial. The court released me under pretrial probation just a week and a half ago.

While I was incarcerated, she, her friends, and her new boyfriend (that was quick!) emptied my bank account of over 7 grand, took my camera equipment, and who knows what else. She claimed we were broken into in front of the cop who had to escort me to what was home to get my car, and pack a suitcase.

I’m homeless now, living in my car and fighting the uphill battle to reestablish myself.

I have my bank statements, I’m in touch with my mom, and a police report has been filed. Plus, she violated the conditions laid out in the restraining order we both signed. It’s slow going, all the phone calls, dead ends, lack of help for men in this type of situation … bureaucracy, courts, lawyers … it’s physically, mentally, and psychologically draining. I feel like a hollowed out block of wood. I’m not an attorney, nor do I know one. I don’t know what’s true anymore, and I doubt I’ll ever trust or love anyone unconditionally again. Or drink again.

At least I have the library, my car, a tablet, a sketchbook, and my mom … who believes me, and apparently never liked my now ex-girlfriend.


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Timothy – I am so sorry for your experience. It looks like this woman had a plan – I’ll bet she has done it before.



It is horrible that people can just accuse physical abuse in the absence of any, and that they would. It sure would be better if there were a way of obtaining evidence, perhaps look for bruises or marks the next day or something. Of course the police have to be conservative in the face of the immediate accusations, to protect victims as most people don’t make this stuff up and need protection.

One of the problems is that abusers, especially psychologically disturbed ones, often not only deny the abuse, but also play victim. This has been amply covered by Lundy Bancroft in his book, “Why Does He Do That?”. I once dated a man who after a few dates claimed he hurt his wife (ex-wife years later when I dated him), breaking one of her bones. He said it was in self-defense while trying to stop her attacking him. Given the situation he explained, that could be true and I was still thinking that over the next time I saw him when he told me he tested as a mild psychopath while in jail for that episode. OK, then. I think we know what likely happened. He was pretty impulsive.

So, the problem is that it is just hard to know and so some good people, and some true victims, get caught up in the caution. Sucks though if you are the victim it happens to. Sucks also that there is suspicion based on the odds. Falsely accusing someone of abuse is truly heinous, and you should be very careful and watchful of anyone who does that, and avoid them.


My partner accused me when he took a job in a different state and decided I was too much trouble to come along. He didn’t want to pay spousal support, said he’d do everything to make sure I “didn’t get a penny,” and he didn’t want me claiming any ownership of the condo we bought together (where I made a home for us). Every attempt I make to prove my innocence is dismissed as “what all batterers say.”. I’ve never hit anybody…I’ve never punched anybody…and the idea of me using physical intimidation to bully or control anybody is laughable. Like you said, nothing mattered. I reached out to every legal, DV, or even remotely relevant org and was denied assistance by all. He took our money, my belongings, my computer and back-up (the only copies of my photographs and writing…all of my work), our home. He kidnapped my cats but I did eventually get them back. Me and my two cats lived in my hatchback for months. I have court every couple of weeks, but no evidence has ever been presented against me and not once have I been able to address the court. I undserstand the complicated nature of DV and society’s historical failings but I don’t see how allowing or accepting the destruction of innocent lives helps keep anybody safe or advances the effort to end domestic abuse. Because DV,Inc responds so predictably with little critical thought (“no victim ever…” And “all batterers…”), these monsters learn, manipulate, and abuse the system. To them, its just one more tool of torture.

Don’t give up. I’ll fight until I can’t anymore.

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