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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I still love the stupid jerk – what is wrong with me?

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Lila” she posts as “gruuvygirl.”

Like many of the women I see on this site, I stumbled here while searching for answers as to why my four-year relationship is so incredibly painful and why I keep going back for more pain and heartache. I feel like I have lost my mind.

At the beginning, our relationship was awesome. I was soooo happy because I thought I had finally found “the one” — my soul mate! He was handsome, drove a Harley, liked to do the same things I do, he was friendly and everyone liked him (I thought), he had a house on the lake and a job, but mostly he seemed to adore me.

But even at the beginning there were red flags. I just chose to ignore them, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Actually he lied to me the very first day I met him. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.

I met him at a bike rally and after spending the day together, he asked if I wanted to ride his bike back to his house. I was unfamiliar with the area and asked how far it was to his house. He told me 20 minutes. On the bike 20 minutes passed, then 25, then 30, then 35, then 40. Forty-five minutes later we arrived. I was terrified — thinking that he was taking me somewhere to murder me! I just laughed it off.

He showed up and never left

The day after I met him, he showed up at my place, and pretty much never left. It was awkward and it felt uncomfortable, but I was taken with him so I ignored my uneasy feeling.

He was with me constantly. He missed work so he could hang with me. He was always under foot. He showered me with compliments and told me he loved me after just four days another red flag I ignored.

He said “I love you” dozens and dozens of times a day — so much so that it was annoying. It was like the words were meaningless and coming from a robot. But at first, it was exhilarating that he was so crazy about me. Well, I soon found out that he was just crazy!

Married four times

It didn’t take long for me to notice something was not right with him. He told me he’d been married twice. I found out it was four times (at least) and that he was STILL married to the last one! He didn’t volunteer this information, I found out on the computer.

When I mentioned the lies, he blew it off like it was nothing, making me feel like I was prying where I didn’t belong. What??

He was always talking about big plans for the future — a business he was going to start — and he wanted me to be a part of it. It was exciting. After four years, he’s done nothing towards making this happen.

I’ve come to realize that he is all talk, no action. He couldn’t start a business when he couldn’t let me out of his sight for 10 minutes. He suffocated me — and when I explained that me-time was important to me, and something I needed in the relationship, he acted hurt and got mad and totally disregarded this need.

Every time I needed space or time alone, he threw a temper tantrum or pouted. But I slowly got used to it.

Wanted sex

He did nice things for me a lot but mentioned what he did over and over — milking praise and adoration from me for even the smallest little things — like taking out the trash. It became clear though that every thing he did for me was not to be nice. Everything had a string attached.

Usually it was that he wanted sex. He wanted sex at least once a day. Sex was incredible! I loved it. But I had no choice whether or not I wanted to — I had to every night or he would make me miserable with his tantrums and pouting.

He told me AFTER we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C!! I was shocked.

But again, I let that slide too as if it were nothing.

Raped me

Not too long after we started dating, he raped me the first time. Like I said, I was not allowed to say no to sex. Afterwards, when I was upset and crying and accused him of raping me, he told me I wanted it. OMG! I said no and fought him off ”˜til I was tired! But I wanted it?

He raped me two times again after that — several months later — once when I had a house full of family over for Thanksgiving! But I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I started to loathe sex with him after awhile, because it seemed that was all he cared about.

He was obsessed with porn and would watch it on my laptop even after I expressly asked him not to. We’d fight about it, he’d promise not to do it again, and a day or two later, I’d here the moans and screams of some chick on the porn he was watching. He’d lie and say it accidentally came on.

Lie and deny

He lied so much it hurt my head. I couldn’t argue with him, because he denied denied denied everything wrong he ever did.

He would watch porn on his smart phone out in the living room with my teenage daughter in the house. He eventually ruined my laptop by getting a virus from one of the skanky sites he was on!

Another night I got up in the middle of the night and he is watching it in the living room — again with my daughter in the house! But he always convinced me that I was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything, and I was just a bitch!

Everyone but me started to hate him. Every girl in my family said he gave them the creeps with his dead cold eyes. It took me years before I finally saw what they were talking about.

Ripped off everyone

He worked construction but worked sporadically, dragging jobs out forever and pissing off his clients. He ripped off almost everyone he worked for. No one called him back for second jobs.

He stole money from me, I caught him with my DVDs in his suitcase, plus he stole other things from me too. But he denied it all or had a stupid excuse every time I would bust him.

He NEVER did anything wrong. It was all me being a bitch!

Two different times I was told that he was hitting on girls when I wasn’t around. When I confronted him of course he denied it — saying he only had eyes for me! Blah Blah Blah. I never really bought his bull crap — and it was starting to stack up!!

He lies all the time. He tells big stories about people he knows and the respect he gets from cops and judges and that he can pull strings for people because of the power he has. It’s all bull!!!

He gets what he wants from me by bullying or manipulating me. It’s exhausting! His words are cheap. His actions speak volumes.

Talked bad about me

He has talked bad about me to my kids and my friends — I guess trying to get them to think he was Mr. Cool Guy and I was the crazy one or the bitchy one.

He always tried to turn people away from me and to him — but always behind my back. He was SNEAKY and it hurt that about every 3 months I’d find that he betrayed me and broke my heart.

One day while looking for a picture he’d taken on his phone, I discovered that he had memberships in about 5-6 sex hook-up sites. I was so heartbroken that it physically hurt! Even with the printed out pages of his profiles as proof, he denied it!

Had a stroke

He had a stroke a couple of years ago and I never left his side, nursing him back to health, even though he talked to me like dirt and was demanding and rude.

How did he repay me? After he was back on his feet, I discovered “Kim Babe” saved in his phone.

So I called Kim Babe and got the shock of my life. He’d been having an affair with her for five months and even had her moved into our lake house! She didn’t know about me either. It was a shock to her too.

He used her for money, clothes and sex. He denied it too, even after I talked to her and got the whole story! She told me that he told her he loved her within the first week too!!!

Called me her name

I was so hurt. But after brief separation, I took him back. Stupid Stupid Stupid! In the first couple of months after reuniting, he actually called me by her name, not once but FOUR times!

Once while having sex and once while saying I love you.

How do you do that four times? It was like he did it on purpose to hurt me! I’ve found him on sex hook up sites twice since the cheating too! His sex addiction is disgusting!

Wants all my attention

He insists on having all of my attention and gets pissed when I spend time with friends or family.

My first grandbaby was born September 2013 and I babysit her every day. He is even jealous of the baby! If he isn’t getting the attention he thinks he deserves, he starts a huge fight and ruins family trips and outings all the time!

No matter what I do it isn’t enough. He has no interests except me and what I’m doing! He has no friends. Even his own mom told me to break up with him because he’s evil!

Going to explode

All of this is sandwiched between doting attention and “I love you” constantly. It’s got me feeling like I am going to explode!

No one wants me to be with him, and family and friends are getting so sick of me getting back together with him. I don’t blame them!

They are sick of hearing all the horrible things he does, only to see me run right back to it. I have no clue why I go back to him!

Fear of being alone probably. I’m a former high school teacher, nice looking and fun, but I have no self esteem and fear dying a lonely old lady.

Violence

In November we got into a huge fight and he dislocated two of my ribs, making it where I could barely move or breathe for two months. I didn’t hide what happened from my family and they now HATE him.

When watching TV, if there is fighting going on — he laughs — like most people laugh watching comedies! It’s creepy!

He has four or five kids but isn’t in any of their lives. He’s always too busy chasing women.

He has three grandkids and I know in the four years we’ve dated, he’s never seen them!

He has no friends. His family hates him. His oldest daughter told me once that they believe he molested her when she was a baby. She also said he had raped before!

I brushed it off as the ex-wife’s baseless accusations, but now I don’t know!

He’s a former biker gang member and I’ve heard some pretty scary stories of violent things he’s done in the past. He dismisses it as the past is the past and that was back when I was drinking.

Since the cheating

We’ve been rocky since the cheating. I hung in there, but I never treated him warmly like I did before he cheated. We fight, he disappears for days and doesn’t answer his phone and gives me the cold shoulder. I figure he is with someone else during that time, because he doesn’t like to be alone.

Then he comes back, swearing he was just working and making money for “us” although I never see any of the money.

Ugh! It’s a vicious, terrible, soul-sucking cycle!

Last straw

Last weekend was finally the last straw.

He came by and left me 40 bucks so I could drive down to our lake house. I told him I probably wouldn’t go, but I decided to go ahead and go.

I called him all day to let him know I was on the way, but he never answered.

I got down there and pulled in the driveway and he poked his head out the door, saw it was me, and shut and locked the door. I knocked and knocked. I started to wonder if I had hallucinated, seeing him look out the door.

Finally, I gave the door a good kick and it opened. He came storming out of the upstairs bedroom screaming about me kicking the door and telling me to, “Get the F*&^ out.”

I said, “Who is in the bedroom?”

He said no one, but kept standing in front of the door so I couldn’t go in.

I was crying and screaming — feeling like I was in a nightmare, scared to death to see what I already knew was in our bedroom.

He pushed me to the floor and pinned me down so she could get past me and out of the house.

My heart was broken and I was mad! I was screaming and yelling and he punched me right in the face.

I left and haven’t talked to him since.

He loves me

He’s been texting me that he loves me.

Really?? You lock me out of the house after I drove 2.5 hours to spend the weekend with you, because you are with a girl, and you love me??

He said he had just given her a ride for some friends, blah blah blah, more lies.

He did say he was sorry at the end.

I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me”. Oh my God!!

Unbelievably — after catching him red-handed with a girl, he wasn’t sorry, he only raged at me and blamed ME — saying my jealousy was the problem.

What girl wouldn’t be mad in that situation? Am I crazy??

Blames me

He blames me so much for everything that I start to believe it!

He never apologizes, and if he does, it’s insincere. He never shows remorse or concern when I’m hurt and crying.

We get along great if it is just he and I and no one else — and we are doing what he wants. But I’m not going to be his slave!

I’ve never cheated on him, but he accuses me of it all the time! It feels awful!

He never apologizes or even acknowledges doing anything wrong! It’s so frustrating!

He respects no boundaries. He even read my journal! Not only did he read it, but wrote rude things in the margins! Who does that???? I’m dumbfounded!

Dead in a ditch

This last fight he told me my family was going to find me dead in a ditch, and I kinda believe him! He always threatens to beat me up and even kill me, but later makes light of it saying he was “just mad.”

I don’t want him near me or my granddaughter. But I still love the stupid jerk! What is wrong with me??

Does he sound like a sociopath to you? He meets every one of the critieria on the list except the intense staring. I don’t think he does that.

I’ve been reading stories on this site for a long time, so I know about the no contact rule. It’s so hard but I’m really trying to do it this time.

 

I’m sorry this is so rambling. I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile now. It’s hard to get all the chaos to flow into a smooth story.

Help!!


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81 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I still love the stupid jerk – what is wrong with me?"

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Lila – there is nothing wrong with you. Your story is exactly like the stories of everyone on Lovefraud who was deceived and manipulated by a sociopathic romantic partner.

Why did you keep going back? Because of the psychopathic love bond that you felt. It’s also called a trauma bond.

Here’s how this formed:

First, the guy presented himself to be everything you wanted – your “soul mate.” Unfortunately, this was all an act, but you didn’t know it. You were deceived into bonding with him.

Then, the guy did things to create fear and anxiety in you – like lying about his marriages and throwing tantrums when you asked to be alone. Here’s the counterintuitive part: FEAR AND ANXIETY STRENGTHEN THE TRAUMA BOND.

You wanted the relationship to go back to what it was when he was acting like your “soul mate.” So you tried to work things out. Perhaps you apologized for things you didn’t do. He relented, turned on the charm, and you felt better. THIS STRENGTHENS THE BOND AGAIN.

So the bond kept getting tighter and tighter. And that’s why you kept going back.

What you’re feeling now isn’t love. It’s the powerful trauma bond.

Stay away from him. The longer you’re away, the more the bond will unravel.

YES, HE IS A SOCIOPATH MAYBE A PSYCHOPATH!!!

HE IS VERY DANGEROUS!!

YOU ARE BEING EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, VERBALLY ABUSED BY THIS EVIL MAN!

Hi Lila, first I want to send you lots of hugs hon, you have been living in HELL with this evil evil guy. It’s time to end this abusive relationship once and for all.

PLEASE contact your local abuse center ASAP to set up a free counseling session and to talk with a free counselor over the phone. In the USA you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) now to talk with a free counselors and they can give you your local abuse center numbers. Do not hesitate on this..please do not feel embarrassed to call them…they have been where you are now and they can help you.

Ask a trusted friend or family member to go with you to your first scheduled counseling session at your local abuse center if you feel you can’t go by yourself. PLEASE DO THIS ASAP!! This will save you from the hell you are living right now.

Your local abuse center will guide you on how to Exit out of this abusive relationship. If you go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website you can learn more about “EXIT PLAN” out of this relationship and you can also google “Domestic abuse exit plan”, “Dr Phil Exit Plan” & “domestic abuse exit plan you tube” to learn more.

THIS GUY IS DANGEROUS so please get help out of this relationship. And please get a restringing order with the help of your local abuse center. Also go to Home deport or Lowes with a friend and buy a security system that takes batteries and are easy to install the cost is around $100 or call a security system company to have them install a security system in your home. But either way please spend the money on a security system for your safety. DO NOT tell this guy you have installed a security system as he may try to deactivated.

Do not tell this guy that he is a sociopath it may enrage him but ask your friends to come to love fraud and read everything so they also truly understand who he is and how dangerous he is to everyone.

If you go up to the top of Lovefraud under the red tab you will find “Videos” watch each video that Donna has produced they are excellent and will give you more understanding how why/how this guy is manipulating you to control you & keep you in this abusive relationship.

Keep a hidden journal of everything this man has done to you & ask a trusted family member or friend to do the same this can be used in court.

have a friend or family member contact his ex wives they WILL tell the same stories that you are enduring right now…again this will help you to leave him but also it can be used in court to get a restraining order and if he breaks the restraining order then this can be used to put him in jail long term.

Lila, I want you to know the way you are feeling emotionally, mentally & physically is how all victims feel when they are being abused by a sociopath. You feel crazy or feel like you are going crazy but you are NOT crazy he is the crazy one!!

Domestic abusers are mini cult leaders and their victims are cult followers. You are a cult follower to this guy. These evil people use brain washing, mind control, trance, hypnosis, gas lighting abuse, install fear & phobias into their victims mind etc etc. YOU must break free of his mind control. How do you do this? By reaching out to your local abuse center, also finding a outside counselor who deals with domestic abuse please know that not all counselors know about sociopath abuse so you will need to interview them by phone to see if they are truly educated about this type of abuse (the abuse center may have some recommendations).

You can also talk with someone like Donna Anderson here at Lovefraud via phone she charges a small fee but she would be a good person to help you unravel your mind from this guys chaos. Just go up to the top and click on the red tab “contact”

The best advise I can give you is to read everything you can get your hands on about his mental disorder & all the manipulative games he played on you…this will help you to open your mind up from his brain washing & mind control. Every time you feel sad, mad, cry, or feel like you want to call him or see him READ, READ, READ everything here at love fraud & watch the videos to open up your mind that he is EVIL & DANGEROUS and that you need to end this relationship. You can also call the domestic violence hotline 24/7 to talk with a free counselors. Come here and post if you feel like you want to call him or see him…vent everything out of your mind…this helps tremendously and you will get support here too.

If you go up to the top red tab “bookstore” Donna’s books are listed there as well as other recommendations. My counselors gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown which is a must read book also Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan (Donna just posted a book review on this one this week so you can do a search up at the top to read what she wrote)

The most important thing to remember is YOU ARE NOT ALONE anymore…we are here for you 🙂

For your health look into adrenal fatigue…the stress you have been under has caused your adrenal glands to work over time and they end up fatigue this maybe part of your emotional state which can be healed quickly for you to see things clearly again. See

Adrenalfatigue. org, DrLam. com, Mialundin. com for more info

Also do a search on LF & on the net for the following:

1) No Contact Rule (very important step to follow to heal & get this guy out of your life)

2) Gas lighting abuse

Huge Hugs to you!! 🙂

Here is information on the No Contact Rule & why you should follow it. But please contact your local abuse center first before going full no contact because this evil guy has threaten to kill you several times he is very dangers and you need help with an Exit Plan out of this relationship.

“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”

Also see the site Psychopathyawareness.wordpress. com it also has a ton of good info for you to read more about sociopath abuse.

Take care 🙂

Jan7!
You rock!
You have always been there.
Reading your post just enforces my commitment to be free from my expath forever.
I no longer feel the need to find out what kind of mood he is in or what HE is doing.
I don’t care. I am done.
Now I am picking up the pieces of me.
I am on a LOA from work and getting help for ME.
Thank you, thank you and thank you.
Lila needs our support now.
She is in danger .
Thank you for reaching out to her in a way I am not able to right now.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity

Stronginthecity…Right back at ya!!! 🙂 (you rock!!!)

What these evil sociopaths don’t count on is victims joining forces to lift each other up & help each other leave their abusers & heal together! This is the power of women together…strong, courages & can climb any mountain that needs to be conquered!!!

Yes, Lila is in serious danger with this evil sociopath. Praying she reads all of these posts and reaches out for more help to get away from this guy.

Glad you are in that great place of “I don’t care, I am done” with your ex…it feels like when you first leave that you will never get to that place but when you do…ahhh the sun finally shines bright again 🙂

OXOX to you too 🙂

Hi, this can help you understand your addiction to your psychopath:
http://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong

Dear Lila,
Please read Donna and Jan7 advice, read it and read it again.
I read your story earlier this afternoon.
Hugs to you.
Please treat this as the domestic violence it is and is he a sociopath? YES.
Call the domestic violence hotline and read all you can about the bond that is created described by Donna.
It explains why you still feel that you love him.
This is not love. It’s addiction that is created by the sociopath bond.
He is extremely dangerous.
You asked if he called you the other woman’s name to hurt your feelings?
Yes he did.
Please find a therapist immediately.
Keep him away from your teenage daughter.
He is porn addicted and more than likely he has watched teen or child porn.
You and your daughter are in danger.
You stated that all of your friends say he is creepy, that’s because he is.
He hit you in the face after luring you to your lake house, not answering the phone all day and finding him with another woman.
If you are not living with this creature change the locks and go no contact.
Please follow Jan7s advice.
She has been a rock of support for me and many others here.
I’m sorry if my writing style is in your face and maybe does not sound supportive but trust me, I have been there.
Exactly where you are calling Donna on the phone on my lunch break at work and her explaining the bond …I still have the notes in my wallet.
If he has threatened to kill you believe him.
GET AWAY. He is disordered and there is NOTHING you can do to change him.
NOTHING. He is what he is.
He likes who he is.
Consider this, he has HepC..what else does he have?
He is sleeping with multiple women on these “dating sites” Lord only knows what else he has gotten from these women he hooks up with?
Please schedule a gyne appt ASAP and get a STD screen.
Just consider everything he says is a lie, because it is.
I totally understand that you feel like you are in love with him.
This is not love.
Please take the no contact advice seriously.
It’s hard. I know. We know.
We have ALL been there.
Keep posting here.
You did the right thing by letting it out.
Welcome…we are all here for you.
Hugs to you,
Stronginthecity

Jan7,
I really hope Lila is ok and has read the posts.
I am hoping that she is in contact with Donna privately.
I read your story (Lila) again and it’s so terrifying.
I was not physically abused.. well not punched in the face but may as well been.
I am really concerned for Lilas teenage daughter.
The porn addiction and a teenage girl in the house is terrifying to me.
Lila, I hope you are ok.
Lila, please get away from this terrible monster.
I understand that you feel love for him but it’s NOT LOVE.
Please, please get away from him.
It sounds like it took a while for you to post here and you have been doing a lot of reading here.
Please find the strength to get somewhere safe.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity

Dear Lila,
I just read your story again and somehow skipped over the part where you talked about the sexual abuse with the daughter, raping YOU and the allegations of him raping before.
He broke your ribs and punched you in the face.
I’m sorry to ask this but have you reported him to the police?
I’m assuming you sought medical attention for this?
Please call the domestic violence hotline and make your exit plan.
My heart aches for you and your daughter.
What if he has sexually abused her too?
Please, please just call or do an online chat with the # that jan7 provided.
Do you have a friend or family member to stay with temporarily?
Please let us know you are ok.
You said that you have not contacted him since he punched you in the face…
I am worried that you will see him again.
he will get back with you somehow.
I will keep posting here and hoping you will get a restraining order.
Please, please.
We are here to support you .
XOXO and double hugs to you,
Stronginthecity
PS
He will NOT change..ever.
He is pure evil.
it’s not your fault.
None of us ever knew these people existed.
Can you get your daughters father involved?

Lila,

You are not crazy; you are doing the right thing for yourself in getting away from him. He is harmful to you.

You love him because you are capable of love and you’re a good and loyal person. He isn’t a good person. Your good traits will work very well in a relationship with a good man who appreciates you and deserves your love.

It will take some time and hard work for you to recover from his abuse, and for your feelings for him and about him to change. Staying away from him gives you a chance to recover. As long as you’re still interacting with him, he will continue to harm you, and you can’t recover.

Keep doing a good job taking care of yourself. You know you deserve better.

Thank you so much for responding to my story. I just now noticed that it was published. Thanks for being concerned for my well-being. I am fine. I feel like a deer in the headlights right now. I’m still in shock from what happened last weekend. I still can’t figure out how I am the one who found him with a girl but HE is pissed at ME – making me feel like I’m a crazy bitch with jealousy issues. I can’t get the look on his face as he was screaming at me to get out while he protected the other woman from me. He looked like an evil demon. Nothing but hate in his eyes. I was stunned with betrayal and a million other feelings. HE WAS HIDING A GIRL IN OUR BEDROOM but it was MY fault. He said she was there because of some innocuous reason and that they hid because he said he knew I’d go crazy once I saw she was in there. He said he HAD to protect her from me because I’m crazy and that she got scared when I was out pounding on the doors and windows. I wasn’t pounding or even freaking out. At that point I didn’t know he was with anyone. I was just confused why I was locked out. He was straight lying! He just said I’m crazy so that it looks like I am the maniac while he is just a poor innocent victim. This makes my brain and heart hurt! So so much!

For those concerned with the punch in the face – yes – that hurt and was humiliating – but didn’t hurt ANYTHING like the screaming for me to get out. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

I am embarrassed to admit that I have completely BLOWN the no contact agreement I made with myself. My emotions have been so crazy. Sometimes I want so bad to make him hurt like he has made me hurt. Then I miss him and love him and the thought of being without him makes me panic! I’m a lunatic, I swear! No Contact is so hard! I feel a compulsion to contact him like he’s a drug!

For the first couple of days after the incident I texted him incessantly. Some of them just angry “I hate you for hurting me again” texts and some of them were “how could you do this to me again” texts and some were “I know you are probably with her right now” texts. I wanted him to show me that man who said he loves me! I want him to care that I am devastated and hurt. I want him to comfort me. Be sorry. Something. I need closure! But he ignored every one of the texts, making me feel more alone, betrayed and isolated. I feel weak, pathetic and desperate with each ignored text, and I feel even worse.

Then when I was finally starting to calm down resolved to really stick to the no contact, he text me out of the saying he loved me with his whole heart and wanted to hold me. He then asked if he could come up and spend the night with me. After days of imploring him to care that I’m hurt, he wants that! I know he just wanted sex. I’m not stupid. Plus, best friend lives in the apartment next door and she would KILL me if she knew I was texting him and she would call the cops if he showed up here, so I made some excuse and said no I had plans. Since I said no to that, he has disappeared again. Swoops in with an I love you then gone again!! I’m so ashamed to admit this but even after all he has done, I really DID want him to come spend the night. Ugh!! I’m just so desperate to understand what just happened and he is the only one who can give me answers or closure. I hate him so much but love him so much.

I so want his words and actions to match. I want him to be sorry – but he still won’t even acknowledge doing anything wrong, let alone apologize. I feel the overwhelming need to make sense of this.

It’s always the same. He does something TERRIBLE to hurt me, then triples the pain by denying it or making light of it or blaming me. When he denies so much, I start to question if I’m going mad or if I really am the crazy bitch he says I am. Any time I bring up something he’s done to hurt me, he responds with anger and accuses me of doing something I absolutely didn’t do – so instead of discussing what he did to hurt me, I’m left defending myself from something I didn’t do and the issue is swept under the rug with all the others.

If he doesn’t get angry, he responds in a way that is hard to describe. He is vague, says things that don’t add up and talks in circles, leaving my frustrated and still with no answers. It’s so exhausting.

My daughter is safe and has not been touched by him. She is 22, and way more strong-minded than her mother. She hates him, and is outwardly hostile to him so he doesn’t even try to communicate with her too much. Although she said he’s leered at her. I NEVER let him alone with my daughter or my granddaughter. I don’t trust him. I protect them, but can’t seem to protect myself. My daughter moved out of my apt. for awhile most because of her hatred for him, but is going to move back if he stays away. I’m happy about that. I pick my daughter over him any day. I have to keep him away. If he DID do something to either of those girls – well I don’t even want to think about that!

I’m not suicidal at all, but yesterday I was fantasizing driving my car into the river and how peaceful it would be as it slowly sunk into the dark water. I have a grandbaby and lots to live for so I wouldn’t do it, but that’s where my mind has been going! It’s scary!

I like the idea someone suggested of letting my parent side guide my child side. My inner child side is impulsive and overly emotional. I’ll try that. Thanks.

I’ll also forgive myself for contacting him, accept that I’ll never get closure and this cycle of hell I’ve been in will continue and get worse if I don’t do something.

I’ve been scared of him lots of times. I know I should get a restraining order. I have no excuse not to. I did take pictures of my bruised face, fat lip and bruised arms. Thank God we aren’t married (although he asked me over and over even though he was still legally married to someone else) nor do we have kids. I have a pool table at his lake house which I’ll probably never get back and I’m at peace with letting it go in exchange for my sanity.

I will contact the domestic abuse resources suggested.

I need some strength! This is too much!!!

Again I apologize for rambling but it felt good to get some of that out. Thanks again to those who have posted. It feels incredible to know that I’m not the only one in this crazy, insane crippling situation. Thank you thank you thank you. No one else gets it, and that’s a lonely feeling not to be understood.

Lila

Lila,

No apology needed, you’re doing a great job of explaining what you’re going through, and that is one of the things LF is for. Everyone here understands the extreme emotional pain and frustration you’re feeling. We understand your struggle with NC, and the anguish at not having closure.
Your feelings are normal and natural. The pain you’re feeling is a normal response to having been victimized by a very evil man who’s motivation does not include your well being. Most abusers enjoy the power and control they feel at harming another person.
It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You understand what he is and you know that he is harmful to you. Knowing doesn’t make your pain go away, but knowing that you need to stop having any contact with him and doing your best to avoid him will lead to your best and fastest recovery.

If you maintain NC, and if he doesn’t cause you trouble in any way, an RO may not be necessary. If you decide to report his physical violence to the police, an RO might help. A Domestic Violence counselor can give the best advice whether to report the physical battering and whether to get an RO.

I hope you got some sleep last night. You will feel better.

Hi Lila,
So good to hear from you and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Unfortunately, your story is something that all of understand.
We always think that we are talking about the same person because the pattern are all the same.
I am glad to hear that you and your daughter are safe.
I’m also glad to hear that she is smart enough to recognize he is disordered. My daughter and I have been on the out’s for awhile due my spath. She can not stand him. She is a bit older and married.
Ok, back to you.
Let’s talk about the lake house incident.
He did this on purpose to hurt you.
He left you money, for gas I’m assuming to come up there.
You were not going to go but I’m sure he had planned this and as sick and twisted as this sounds it’s what they do.
He knew you would come.
You are not crazy, he is.
He planned this to hurt you.I know it’s hard to believe but you have to believe this.
His story about her being there in your bedroom is just absurd.
You know he was lying and what you described with the text messages is straight out of all of our phones.
Same back and forth with you messaging him, he ignores you to punish you and you want answers.
You won’t get them.
Him responding that he wants to see you, yes for sex because he knows that this strengthens the bond.
He only cares about his sick evil game and no matter what you do he will NEVER give you answers.
He will continue to twist your words and make you feel like it’s your fault.
The idea that he had to “protect” this girl from your is ridiculous.
Again you are not crazy, he is.
I am glad to hear that you have a neighbor that is looking out for you. Take this and let this person help you.
You are lucky to have them.
I am sorry to say that he will never comfort you or tell you he is sorry. He may say the words but they mean nothing.
He is not sorry because in his sick twisted mind he loves what he does and it’s who he is.
Please don’t apologize for expressing your emotions.
You did nothing wrong.
I know you wanted to have him come and spend the night because you want to have your fix and pretend that all is right.
When you said no he disappeared. That’s what they do.
When you text or call him it’s attention. he knows you are hurt and thinking about him.
Please reach out to the Domestic violence hotline and vow to give yourself some peace right now.
Take care of you and don’t worry about what he is doing.
I know this is easier said than done.
You reached out here and so glad you did.
One thing I can share with you that I wish I had done sooner was to get myself into therapy.
It sounds like you have a good support system with your best friend and your daughter.
Keep posting here and let it all out.
There is not anyone here who does not understand what you are going through.
These disordered people are very good at what they do. They have been practicing all of their lives.
Nobody will judge you here.
Hugs to you, Lila.
Please keep yourself safe.
Stronginthecity

Lila,

Your story is horrifying and you definitely aren’t the crazy one! I know everyone here can relate to everything you’re saying, and you shouldn’t feel “stupid” because you love this terrible person. I am going through that same feeling. My ex was amazing in every possible way for the first part of the relationship, and I kept wishing and begging for that man to show up again. He never will because he didn’t really exist. It was all a lie and a part of the scam to get what he wanted, which was control and a deep enough hold that his terrible behaviors would cause the most destruction.

You’re never going to understand why he did this to you. I have been trying that myself, but it’s not going to happen. He can’t care because he has no conscience, so the truth is when he sees you’re hurting because of him, he’s getting pleasure from it. There’s no way of dealing with that, because you feel actual love for him, and the reality that he wants you to be hurt because you love him is as sick as a person can get!! The best that can happen is that you’ll come to a realization that you can’t comprehend how he can be that way… and be very happy that you can’t because if you could understand it, you would have to be like him! Only evil can truly comprehend evil, in my opinion. I’m glad I can’t relate to my ex and the joy he gets when he causes pain. It doesn’t stop my pain, but it gives me some peace to know that it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I did that caused it or could have changed it.

I wish you peace with this whole nightmare. You have support here and with your family. I am only one day into NC so I’m in the same boat as you. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary to heal.

Hugs to you!!

Lila, we all understand exactly how you feel. At least I hope I am speaking for everyone, though I can at least speak for myself. What broke the bond for me (besides the sanity of just staying away) was to access the deep rage over the betrayal and disrespect for my feelings. It’s easy to gloss over those things when the spath is very charming and convincing. They “agree” or “disagree” with your feelings, and somehow they convince you to believe what they say. After all, they have a whole thought system based on justifying winning the argument. They must win at all costs, even at the cost of your life! It’s easier to just agree that your feelings are invalid than to face the fact that the person you are sleeping with – giving your heart, soul, and body to – doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Doesn’t care about YOU at all. Invalidates YOU as a person – as a being. The rage and isolation of seeing this can be overwhelming. It’s easier to live in the fog. To keep going back for those times when he seems to “love” you and dote his attention on you. You rationalize and justify the bad times when he is mistreating you. We all know that feeling. It takes courage and ultimately being true to your core self to get out once and for all. And believing yourself and your gut instincts. Not buying into when he calls you a bitch or calls you crazy. Remember, HE is the one with no empathy.

Lila, I will give an example from my recent dating life of how this happened to me. I was recently upset with my new bf about something he did that was inconsiderate of my feelings. He was very nonchalant about it, blaming me for “sabotaging” the relationship. I felt even more anger about that accusation, but he was very convincing. I thought maybe I was in fact overreacting. Later that night he got angry with me because I did not willingly give up my seat at a concert to two girls who showed up late and tried to pilfer my spot. He said I should “be the bigger person.” He called me “cruel” and “heartless”, which hurt very much. He cared more about these girls than about me. This hurt me, but he fought and argued his point with me. Eventually, he broke up with me because I did not “agree” with him, which was fine with me. I was ready to move on. I didn’t want to be with a man who would value the feelings of a stranger over mine. It didn’t end there. After he tore me down, he realized his mistake and called me wanting to get back together. But his big mistake in doing this was in calling me at 2:30 IN THE MORNING when he knew I’d be sleeping, on a work night! The phone ringing woke me up, and I was up for 3 hours. Then I dragged at work the next day. I was very angry about it. When I spoke to him, I told him that. His response was, “WELL IF YOU WERE UP, WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME BACK?” His logic totally dumbfounded me. I had a moment of confusion, wondering why I didn’t call him back. Was he right? (See, I believe it is in this moment of confusion that we just accept their logic instead of standing up for ourselves). I finally came to my senses and realized how selfish he was to disturb my sleep when I’d mentioned to him several times in the past that I don’t like to get calls after 10 pm. And that he didn’t care when I told him he had disturbed my sleep. When I started getting his emails the next day about how much he missed me, I finally was able to just ignore them, instead of caving. This all happened in a period of a few months. I don’t think he is a sociopath, just emotionally immature and low on the empathy scale. But he is so charming and adorable, and he does such nice things for me sometimes that I kept overlooking his selfishness. Finally, I got in touch with the ultimate rage I feel over being completely invalidated repeatedly. That is what fueled me to finally walk away. I had to find my inner bitch – that person who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. I had to ask myself if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man with no empathy, even if he was kind in other ways. OH HAIL NO.

This guy doesn’t sound charming and adorable; he sounds like a rude bully. Consider if his doing nice things is about manipulating you rather than being nice. If he felt like being nice sometimes, he would always be nice. Otherwise it’s not being nice, it’s something else – probably manipulation.

He has a right to disagree with your decision to keep your seat, but he does not have a right to try to control you nor insult you. He may choose not to go on another date nor enter into a committed relationship with someone he doesn’t see eye to eye with, but control and insulting is out of line.

Good for you for walking away. Three incidences of bad behavior (lying, bullying, insulting, etc.) is a pattern of behavior that shows how someone thinks.

Lila (gruuvygirl), I have been thinking about you so I am so happy that you posted an update. This evil sociopath you are dealing with is on the high end of the sociopath spectrum.

When I first read your very clear & articulate post my heart was racing with fear that your life is in serious danger. Because of this I was typing so fast to get information to you that I missed the fact that I did not address the physical abuse you were enduring nor the fact that you were raped by this evil man. So for that I am truly sorry. I am at a loss in words with regards to your rape…no woman should ever have to endure this horrific evilness especially from someone that says they love you. I just can not imagine the fear, pain and aftermath that you endured during this time. I just want you to know I HEAR YOU…I want you to also know that WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU…THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE.

Every sociopath uses gas lighting abuse on their victicms to mentally control them & to also push their victims over their emotional edge. This is one of the things that you start to question your sanity because what you see in his behavior is the opposite of his words & he is spinning your head to confuse you to get you to look away from his abuse & from his crazy behavior but most importantly these evil people do it to control their victims minds & to have power over their victims so that they do not leave their abuser. I believe that you are being gas lighted like most if not all victims of a sociopath.

This is information from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA) for you to read…you can also go to their site and do a search to read the article but most importantly to read the comments of other victims who endured this form of psychological abuse (emotional & mental abuse).

oops I will post it below cut/past did not work…see below 🙂

what is gas lighting abuse?

“You’re crazy ”“ that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”

Does your partner repeatedly say things like this to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”

This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.

There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:

Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”

Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”

Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”

Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”

Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
(Source)

Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.

In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person ”“ more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

If any of these signs ring true for you, give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us online from 7am-2am CT. Our advocates are here to support and listen to you.

Here is another article on gas lighting abuse:

10 Signs Your Man Is ‘Gaslighting’ You to Make You Seem Crazy

Gas lighting abuse:

man arguing with woman, gaslighting Have you ever felt like you were going crazy? And not because anyone has 5150’d you. But because someone — maybe it’s your husband — keeps telling you you’re crazy. “Are you crazy?” you hear over and over. “You are really paranoid. You need to get your head checked!” Hear that enough times and you probably believe it. But are you really crazy or are you being gaslighted?

“Gaslighted” is an psychiatric term that came from a classic movie starring Ingrid Bergman called Gaslight (which was a British play before that). In it, her husband tries to drive her mad. (Netflix it.) But it turns out she’s not crazy after all — her husband is just trying to make her think she is. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse wherein your partner manipulates your perception of reality. Here’s 10 signs you’re being gaslighted.

More from The Stir: 15 Things Women Do That Make Men Call Them ‘Crazy’

1. You’re told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don’t think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, “Every wife would do this. We’re a team. I’m in trouble and I need you. I can’t believe you don’t think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!”

2. You’re told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don’t know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, “Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I’d be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist.”

3. You start to exhibit “crazy” behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn’t imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find “evidence” that he’s lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don’t “disappoint” him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they’re out of Classico.

4. You mistrust your perceptions. You’re constantly being told that what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling isn’t what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren’t funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you’ve gained weight. You’ve always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.

5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don’t seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. “Was I being flirtacious?” you ask yourself, even though that wasn’t your intention at all. “I must have been and don’t realize it.” You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. “Am I harping?” you think. “Maybe I am a nag.”

6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, “I never said that, did that, promised that,” to things you’re pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he “never” gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, “I didn’t say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it.” Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.

7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, “We never talked about that,” “I definitely never said that,” or “Did you dream this?” You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.

8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you’ll know you’ll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don’t lie to other people.

9. You begin to think you’re crazy. You have thoughts like, “Maybe he’s right and I’m just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting,” or “There must be something wrong with me that I’m always on him about stupid things.”

10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.

Every couple has miscommunications, and everyone hears or sees things sometimes that they misconstrue, but if you are frequently experiencing the above symptoms, you are likely being gaslighted.

Do you ever feel like this?

If you think you are being gaslighted, you can get help at the National Domestic Violence Help Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Please know that it is very common for a woman to go back to her abuser on average 6 to 9 times. But I believe that once you learn & educate yourself on sociopathic abuse & how a sociopath manipulates & abuses mentally that this number dramatically is reduced. And you will get to a point you will never want to see him again ever because of your education & the fact that your mind is opening up to his evilness. It’s OK that you broke the no contact rule…the good news is you are educated on this very important life saving rule and that you can start day 1 today 🙂

But with that said it is also important to reduce that number to zero in your case because this evil sociopaths has threatened your life countless times…and has physically assaulted you too. You MUST take his threats extremely serious!! This is why it is so important to reach out for more help at your local abuse center. I did this too.

I sat in my park car in their parking lot crying & thinking to myself how the heck did I get to this point when I saw exactly who he was the first second I met him. I was embarrassed to go into the building of the abuse center.

I met with a abuse center counselor who invited me back to a free women group meeting. I went and it was absolutely eye opening each and everyone of the women told their story and I knew that they not only understood the hell that I went through but also that I was no longer alone in my emotional pain. At that meeting I could not tell my story because I would have broke down sobbing…so I just sat there an listened to all of the other women story…later down the road I shared my story. It helped me to open up because like your abuser my ex h isolated me and manipulated me so that I did not talk to anyone about the abuse I was enduring.

Please also know that the Restraining Order is not only to keep your abuser from contact you but it is also used for you to keep the No Contact Rule in place because once a judge grants the restraining order both parties are not to contact each other. This will give you the time to clear your mind from all the brain fog & settle your high levels of cortisol & adrenaline that your body is producing because of all the stress your abuser is creating. A restraining order is a good thing additionally because it starts a chain of documentation that your ex is a abuser.

Your local abuse center can guide you on restraining orders further.

Wishing you all the best! Take care 🙂

Jan7
Thank you for these posts that got specific about gaslighting, and how it’s subtle and suggestive rather than clearly overt. Gaslighting is the movie but the reality is much more insidious, more nuanced, and incredibly effective. We use the term but I think it’s important to give examples of how it’s used on us, beyond the movie version.

Someone mentioned gaslighting and I remember thinking that the lights were fine, and I wasn’t missing my car keys, so gaslighting wasn’t happening… but it was. I am ashamed to say because I had always been my-word-is-my-bond kind of person, but I did start lying, mostly by exaggerating. I just knew no one would believe anything I said and I felt so bereft. I couldn’t understand what I was doing different that no one, and I mean NO ONE, believed me. Eventually I rarely said anything, I could FEEL people starring at me, it felt hostile, but I didn’t know why. If I tried to be friendly, they’d turn away.

I couldn’t figure out how I changed from being a person that physicians in my field of expertise would fight over to get on their team into this pathetic stupid dumb blob that had a kick me sign pasted all over her.

And I felt like I deserved it. Afterall, I had compromised my own honor and integrity. I’d started screeching and pleading and sobbing… who would give such a creature the benefit of a doubt?

That’s why I also want people to know, WHO you are will come back. Wiser, more cautious maybe, but the essence of YOU is still inside, and when the crazy making SITUATION goes away, the wonderful YOU comes back. I used to think I lost “me” forever. But that’s the “valley of the shadow of death”… when you get to the end of the tunnel and the light reaches you again, you know…You’re still YOU.

Notwhathesaidofme, your welcome. I think gas lighting abuse is one of the most destructive forms of abuse a sociopath uses. So sad that so many victims endure this psychological manipulation without full knowing or understanding until the are hooked into the abusers web of evil deception.

I was the same way…so confused that I was once a very independent strong woman who became dependent on my ex h. Makes me so mad. I saw who he was the min I met him but got sucked into his con game like everyone does.

So sorry that you too went through hell. NO you DID NOT deserve his abuse!!! Yes we do slowly start moving back to our old selfs once you expose the No Contact rule. Good points for Lila to read!

Hugs to you 🙂

Here I am again, 2am. Not the best time to post but I’ve been sleeping for hours so hopefully I won’t rant too much.

I think it’s time I faced the truth.
I turned into a liar because I am a COWARD. Everytime things came to a head,EVERY TIME, I backed off.
Instead of going ahead and saying what I thought, sometimes I pretended I didn’t hear.

Like the time that disgusting old man told me that he was sent to take over the tractor I was on, I pretended to not hear him, and said, thank you for the “offer” but I gotta go. I KNEW it wasn’t an offer, it was an order. And my hearing is exceptional, so even with the roaring engine of the tractor, I heard him clearly tell me I was being TOLD to get off the tractor. THE TRUTH: I was PISSED. It was OUR field, my husbands and mine, and that I was expected to take orders from ANYONE totally PISSED ME OFF. But instead of confronting my FIL for sending that digusting freeloader to TELL me to get off the tractor, I was a COWARD, and retreated into saying “whoops, I’m just a dumb girl who misunderstood and thought I was being offered a break”.

I knew if I submitted to the orders given me, that I was being “put in my place, acknowledging the pecking order”. And COWARD that I am, I knew that was the end of my marriage. I didn’t want to end my marriage. I didn’t want to face that my husband LIED To me about what our life was going to me. I didn’t want to face that the dream that I was handed was a LIE. I didn’t want to face that I really was a worthless, unwanted, undesired wife.

My ex was having his dad end our marriage, and in order to avoid the conclusion, I just played DUMB.

What I failed to realize, at that time, was that by entering into lala land of Unreality – which is what happens when a person starts manipulating back and lying to the liars – I was choosing an Alice in Wonderland goggledeegook life. A world that my ex and his family were VERY good at, and I was trying to get what I wanted… which they were NEVER Going let me have ANYTHING.

No picket fence for me! They wanted my kid, my personal financial estate, and they wanted to shred my reputation so that people would agree they were entitled to strip me of my world and leave me homeless and completely abandoned.

The bottom line is: There is NO middle ground. My ex married me, and he didn’t want me. He knew that the day we married, and even though I asked the question directly and he said I was what he wanted… that was a lie. Why did he marry me? I think he thought I had money. But that didn’t make sense b/c I told him I had split it and gave it away (my pedo father left me his estate, but I didn’t want a pedo’s money so yeah, I did give it away. At the time, I had a reallllly good income so giving away a pedo’s money felt GOOD to me.) I guess he thought I was lying about giving away the money, maybe because my ex was all about getting people to leave their estates to him. I don’t know. Just guessing. But my ex, very handsome, very charming, with a stable of women who wanted him, could have picked anyone to control and abuse.

SO why marry me? The only other answer is my beautiful daughter. I was the child of a pedo so yes, I was vigilant that he wasn’t after my daughter. I felt enormous guilt for not marrying her birth father, and when I married my ex, I thought she would be “our” daughter, and we’d have more kids for our farm family. Only it became evident very soon after marriage that my ex HATED the farm. And his mom didn’t want him to make any grandkids from me so that was the end of the picket fence dream.

See. I deserved what eventually occurred because I was trying to avoid reality:
That there was no picket fence.
That no one loved me.
That nothing I did had any value.
And that my daughter was better off without me (her words).

Lesson learned? NEVER try to play the game, the game of trying to matter. Because if you have to play and pretend in order for them to care, they NEVER WILL and you will have sold your soul to the devil.

I am SO happy to be free of those people, esp my ex who is so repulsive to me now because I see him for what he is instead of what he told me he was.
And my life makes sense now. No one is striping me of my dignity, or ridiculing me.
The friends I have now actually care about me. If they don’t hear from me, they call! When I am with them, I don’t have to guard my thoughts or my joy. They aren’t interested in using my childhood to shame me. Do I discuss my pedo father? NO, I don’t. And they don’t force me to.

Because I stayed with my ex, I never had the opportunities in life to build a career and fund a retirement. Those years were lost trying to gain a life that I was never going to earn with him. So here I am, old and ugly, but my friends think me smart and intelligent and fun. So I accept…I don’t have the financial success that I would have if I hadn’t married my ex… but I do have the emotional and spiritual support of wonderful people whom I cherish and will watch out for their well being the rest of my life.

THAT is what was at the end of that long dark valley for me. THANK YOU GOD.

And as I told my ex, I don’t believe in revenge. He will do it for me, just by being himself. I escaped and am VASTLY better off. He can’t escape himself. He’s STUCK with himself! And anyone who is ever with him will suffer far more than what they did to me because to be with him is to sell your soul. And that’s the trutthththththhth.

Not,

Sounds like you are doing some major processing of your experiences and emotions. Sounds like your thinking is changing; that you’re seeing clearly and thinking what is true, getting out from under the gas lighting. I am guessing that you’re feeling better and stronger, and ready to make changes in your life that you want to make.

I relate to compromising one’s values under the influence of a spath. I also felt desperate to make the fake ‘marriage’ work, and said and did things that compromised my values. I asked God’s forgiveness, apologized to my family and good friends, and I eventually forgave myself. I learned from it.

My ex did not want me, nor my son, as wife and stepson, as family. We were a cover for his lack of heterosexuality (cross dresser & child porn), because he thought having a wife would help him attain status and positions he thinks are important in our church; to prove that his failure at his first marriage and his failure with his first step son, are not his fault; and to leach off the measure of financial security I have.
I married him because I loved who he said/lied he was, and because he presented himself as being good for my son. He is a pervert and an abuser.

I doubt you deserved what you suffered because you compromised. That may be a valuable lesson for you that will lead to a stronger character, but even if you’d been perfect in all things, your ex would still have done the evil that harmed you.

I don’t know your daughter’s age, but she may come around given time. Saying she’s better off without you is pretty typical of a teen or young adult even with the best parenting. Even if you haven’t been a perfect parent, no one loves a child like a mom does, and you probably did a lot of good things for her, and benefited her in the big picture.

Hi Jan7,

Thank you for posting these articles! Very informative, and so true about gas lighting. My ex is a pro at gas lighting. His favorite thing to say to me was that I was crazy and it was all based on my insecurities (which he knew about because we had been so open with each other about our feelings at the beginning). So he took that grain of truth about me (the insecurities) and used it to do me great harm, all for his entertainment and to get away with everything he did. Very twisted and evil.

Gaslit073168, Your welcome. My ex h was also masterful at this crazy making behavior it pushed me over my edge. If the world only knew who walk among us they would be shocked.

Congrats on Day 1 of the No Contact Rule 🙂 !!! This is the best gift you will ever give to yourself!!

(It’s clear by your name that you understand gas lighting abuse…so sorry that you endured your ex’s hell)

It’s typical of spaths to pretend to be open with their feelings early in a relationship and use other tactics to get their victim to reveal a lot. They use what they know against us, not to protect us.

Hi Lila,
I read your article, but not all the comments, so sorry if there is some repetition. I struggled with my feelings of love for a man I was married to for 25 years long after it was over. Part of it had to do with him not leaving me alone. I was part of his nacissitic supply and it took a long time for him to let me go. Even to this day I have feelings of love, though my abuse was psychological, and have to remind myself not to listen to anything he says but what his actions have been. Because they contradict each other, his words and his actions. I worked through it with the help of a support group, for awhile, and then by writing down conversations that we will never have. (Never for him to see) He will never give me closure, I know this for sure.
I wish you the best and hope you are able to come to some peace.

I am worried that we have not heard back from Lila..
I am praying she is safe.
SITC

I’m so tired; (‘m emotionally depleted. I broke NC and have been humiliated and abandoned again. I read all the advice but talk myself into thinking it’s me.
I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been beat up. I spent a lot of time with my grandbaby the last few days but still obsess about him. He stabs a dagger in my heart and runs away again. On top of that, I have symptoms of some STD – unless it’s in my head, but I don’t think so. I don’t know what is real any more. I just want to go to sleep.

I hope you got some rest and that you feel better this morning.
Your feelings are normal and natural reactions to being abused. You have been emotionally beat up and the pain is real.

Maybe it’s a good time to get a physical exam to take care of your physical health.

Feeling like you don’t know what’s real is probably the result of his abuse and gaslighting you. It is a symptom of PTSD. You will feel better the longer you have NC with him.

Always remember that if a man makes you feel bad, he’s a bad man, he’s not good for you, and the right thing to do is to stay away from him and keep him away from you. It’s really that simple, and anything else he tries to manipulate you into thinking is wrong.

If you feel up to it, let us know how you’re feeling today.

Dear Lila,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad.
I know how hard it is to maintain no contact.
First things first.
Please schedule a doctor appointment asap.
If you think you have an STD, you probably do.
Sorry. This is so important to get this treated immediately
If you live in a rural area just go to the emergency department.
Plus, if you go to the ER, they may have a mental health provider available there to talk to.
PLEASE GO!
For today stay away from him, go to the doctor!!
HUGS!!!
Stronginthecity

Gruuvygirl, HUGE HUGS TO YOU 🙁 I’m so sorry that you are in just emotional pain tonight. Don’t beat yourself up over breaking no contact, it happens to everyone. We think that it’s us not them..we are lonely, we remember the good times not the bad times…they suck us back into their con game.

The most important things to remember now is how you feel (so write it down so next time you are close to contacting him read what you wrote down to remind yourself & also that Day 1 of the No Contact rule starts now.

Go to the doctor asap & also call your local abuse center to set a free counseling session it will help you to know “what is real”. Also have your doctor test you for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency & hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD & adrenal fatigue caused by the stress you are under.

Look at adrenal fatigue. org see their symptoms list, drlam. com, mialundin. com read her book see her symptoms list for adrenal fatigue/hormonal imbalance.

Most victims leaving a abuser have PTSD the biggest issue with PTSD that needs to be healed is adrenal fatigue.

HUGS to you 🙂

Jan7,
I am so worried about Lila.
I know exactly where she is right now.
Gosh these people are evil.
SITC

should be “such emotional pain” not “just” (sorry 😉

I can celebrate 24 hours NC now! It feels good. My stupidity lead me to spending the last few days texting him, begging for HIS love when HE was the one caught cheating! He ignored me. For days. Then I’d be done and I’d get a text love bombing again. I responded and he said he would call after work. Disappeared and ignored again. Torture! I let him do that twice. When he tried the third time I’d had enough. He coldly told me “Life’s tough.” and “Sometimes bad things happen”. Disappeared again. How cold could he be? He just loved me like no other a few weeks ago! I can’t wrap my head around this!

I haven’t reached out yet to anyone but on here. I vow to tomorrow. I have to get over this. My mind goes 1000 MPH. Trying to get sense. My closure from the love of my life? “Life’s tough.” OMG I am so hurt and to know he is loving it hurts more. I’m sure he sat there with his new girl reading the texts I wrote laughing at me.

I want to feel better!!!

Hi Gruuvygirl, CONGRATS for day one of No Contact!!! 🙂

Remember how he treated you this week…that will remind you next time not to let him suck you into his con game…he is a con artist…he will always con people. His new victim is not treated any different then you…yes he is love bombing her but guess what he is also training her like an animal is trained to accept his manipulation, lies & cheating.

The best thing you can do now is change your phone number asap!! This is how you have peace and calmness in your life for good. If you keep your current number he will contact you when his current victim finally sees his mask drop then he will come back suck you into his game then once again go out and troll for new victims then discard you.

For your racing mind looking into adrenal fatigue adrenal fatigue. org, Drlam. com, Mialundin. com.

Keeping NO contact from him will clear your brain fog. Keep reading everything at the very top of love fraud & watch the videos at the top especially when you feel the urge to call him. Also come here and vent or in a journal when you feel like you want to contact him this will help to open your mind up from his brain washing but most importantly you will not want to contact him after you do vent here. it really does work wonders. See psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com to learn more about his disorder, also psychopath free Facebook page is great. open a fake email then a fake Facebook page if you want to chat on there that way your ex or his friends/family will not see what you are writing.

Hang in there NO contact works!!! Stay strong!! 🙂

Take care

Hi Gruuvygirl… you’re saying exactly what I was feeling until just recently about my ex. How can he be so cold now when he was JUST in love with me a week ago? The biggest (and harshest) reality is that he’s a sociopath and he has no conscience. He’s the same as my ex… they can’t truly love, but they can surely love it when they cause pain and suffering. It was eye opening for me when I realized he was getting pleasure out of hurting me, so I had to stop letting him know he was winning. Now I’m winning because I have 11 days of NC, and I have cried less each day.

He won’t give you closure. He wants you to keep the door open because you have shown him to this point that you’re ‘fun’… he can twist you into knots and torture you. The greatest win for you will be when you truly stop him from having that foot in the door… and you have a day of NC now! CONGRATS!!!! That is a day that you’ve been 100 percent in control of your life instead of him being in control. I’m sure you can keep that going, as hard as it is. I know it’s hard and it hurts a lot. I’m right there with you going through the same thing, and so are lots of us here.

Keep moving forward, Gruuvygirl! You’re doing it, and you should pat yourself on the back for doing this great thing for yourself.

🙂

Lila,
One day(sometimes one minute) at a time.
This man sounds terrible.
I am so sorry.
How are you feeling today?
I was wondering if you have made a doctor appointment?
Even if your symptoms have subsided, it’s a good place to start.
Get a STD screen. Your regular or gyne doctor can do this.
Maybe get some temporary meds to relive your anxiety too.
Please take care of yourself and stay away from him.
People who love you don’t treat you this way.
You are addicted to him.
It’s not going to instantly stop, it’s going to take time.
Please for your own health take care of YOU!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity

I’m sorry I’ve been in such a dark place that I haven’t taken the time to thank everyone who has been in my corner the last few weeks. I’m having a good day today. Yesterday was horrible. He was playing mind games with me and just making everything worse! I finally realized in my gut WHY everyone says NC is the only way. Any contact with them is crazy-making and torture. No matter what you say, you never get what you want from them. I didn’t want to believe it, but I do now. It still hurts and several times a day I’ll get an image in my head of him screaming in my face and my chest gets so tight and I feel like I’m going to pass out. It passes but happens again and again.
The last contact from the jerk was today saying he wanted to see me this weekend. This is after torturing me for over a month!! How stupid does he think I am? It feels so good to know that our last contact was HIM asking ME for something and not the other way around. I don’t know what that even matters, but for some reason it does.

I just journaled a pros/cons list of being with him. I had one thing on the pro side and around 85 on the con side. I KNOW the information now. How do I internalize this knowledge – move it from my head to my heart? Knowing it helps. Before I figured out he was a sociopath, I thought I was crazy and looking back, I was accepting some bad things around me as if they were normal! A little time and space gives me a clearer view. I asked myself – if my daughter or granddaughter were in the situation I’m in, what would I tell them? I’d tell them to run and never look back and to get protection! I think I deserve that same advice.

The most evil thing about him? I met him about a year after the horror of finding my-then fiance dead after he hung himself. That relationship had been hell too, because he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on top of alcoholism and acted very similar to my most recent mistake. But he monopolized on my mental state and pretended to be the one who could love me past all the pain the suicide brought. If I had only know what was coming. Oh my God!

Some day I need to figure out why I keep letting bad men into my life. I had an abusive childhood and sometimes I think that chaos and pain is just what is normal to me. But the thought of another relationship right now sends horror over me.

Right now I want to have a love affair with myself. Everyone tells me I’m my own worst enemy. I need to figure out why and do something about it. I can’t take much more pain.

Again thank you thank you thank you for all of your comments. I read them over and over and appreciate the understanding that I just can’t get with my friends and family. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks again. I’m hoping for another good day tomorrow!

Lila,
Please take care of yourself.
Do this for you, your daughter and your grandchild.
Can you please try no contact at least for a couple days to figure out a game plan?
I understand how hard it is to think clearly when he is around or even calling or texting you.
Block his # and call the hotline that Jan7 suggested..
PLEASE!!!!
SITC

Hi. I did block him on my phone. I may have to get a new number because he text me from someone else’s phone. Just once. I ignored it. It feels a lot better because for once I am resolved in my mind that it’s over. Period. I have faced Saran himself and I came out alive

Gruuvygirl, Congrats on blocking him. But the best thing to do is to change your phone number & email address plus all social media.

No contact gives you the time to clear your mind. IT’s the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

Good job!! 🙂

Hi Gruuvygirl… you said you don’t know why it matters that it was him who was asking for something instead of you – I completely understand that feeling!! It’s that way for me too. When I decided I was going NC with my ex spath, I told him I would be sending him an email and he was instantly nervous. Before that day (July 9th) I was checking on him all the time, asking how he was, if he was ok, always me concerned about him. When he knew I was planning to send him an email, he knew I was cutting him off from me and he started trying to be lighthearted and make me laugh, wanted to meet for breakfast, asking me how I’m doing (very rare, even though I have some medical issues going on with a possible cancer scare… he’s the only one I told about it and he never asked me how I was feeling until that day). It took me days to send the email and each day he checked on me, asking how I was feeling and when I wanted to get together. I was very unemotional with him. So, I get it when you say it felt good that he was the one needing you right before you went NC. With me, I’m glad he acted so needy with me at the end instead of the other way around!

I feel for you that you had to find your ex fiancé when he committed suicide, and I’m so sorry you then found a person who took advantage of you. Sociopaths are heartless.

Glad you have come to the realization that contact just means more pain and suffering. As hard as it is to accept, I still say congrats to you for getting there, because as you know you’re so much better off with him totally out of your life!

Take care… you deserve to be happy! 🙂

Yeah!
Good for you!
Block that number too!
Yes, they are pure evil.
How are you doing?
I am so happy that you are checking in here.
Every time you want to text/call him, post here instead, ok?
We are all here for you.
SITC

Wow. I’m amazed at the strength of you women who, like me, have been through living hell. That inspires me and gives me hope that I will get back to normal again – whatever normal is. I have never experienced anything so shocking, betraying, soul-stripping, crazy-making, and DEVASTATING as this relationship and I’ve been through some stuff! I just really didn’t know that people like that existed. I have two degrees, was a high-school English teacher – and he was a carpenter/odd jobs worker. I don’t mean this arrogantly, but I thought I knew more than he and was more insightful. Boy I was wrong. He wasn’t book smart, but he had the equivalent of a PhD in manipulation. I was duped. He won. I feel like such a chump.

But on a lighter note – no contact for almost 48 hours and it feels good. Since I blocked him I’m not constantly picking up my phone to see if he’s texted. This morning when I woke up, he was not the first thing I thought of. That was nice. 🙂
An old friend saw a post of mine of Facebook about getting rid of toxic people and could tell I was down and he invited me down to visit him for the weekend. It’s about three hours away so I’m taking a road trip later today and am excited for a change of environment and to be around normalcy for awhile.

Thanks again to all of you ladies. If it weren’t for this site (I’ve been reading it obsessively) I don’t know where I’d be.

lila (gruuvygirl)

Lila,
How are you doing?
Just checking in with you.
Please let us know that you are ok.
No judgement here…
Hugs,
SITC

Tonight, the man I was living with until 2 weeks ago is marrying a woman in his hometown 12 hours away. Yep, I knew he was engaged when we were living together. In fact, when I found out nine months ago, I told him to have a good life, and I was moving on. He roped me back in with “I knew you would never fight for me. It’s you I really love”. So, stupid, competitive, love-struck me, agreed to “fight” for him. He kept me on the hook, saying things weren’t going well and the engagement was falling apart. They weren’t speaking. She was too fat. It’s just a business deal, not a real marriage…blah, blah, blah. All BS. As the wedding date approached, he finally admitted he wouldn’t call off the wedding because it would damage his reputation. He even said he told the other woman he didn’t want to get married last week, but she still didn’t want to break it off.

So, finally, two weeks ago, I told him he needed to leave because I was becoming an emotional basket case, and we ended up fighting almost every day which wasn’t like us. He left for a week and a half, came back this week for a couple days (yep, I saw him when he was back. Isn’t love dandy?) and headed out of Dodge to get ready for the wedding.

He even texted me today, on his wedding day, telling me how he felt like he was in a dream and can’t wake up. He texted that he loves me and misses me very much. Who does that at 11:00 in the morning and marries another person at 5:00 p.m.???

Unfortunately, I “love” this jerk, although maybe I’m just addicted to him. Who knows. In any event, I’m dying inside right now, knowing the choice that he made. I feel like a failure. Although it has been a long time since I posted anything on lovefraud, I’ve been keeping up on my reading because maybe something inside of me told me this day would be coming.

I needed to vent, so thank you for listening.

Claimmypower, HUGS to you. They are so evil stringing everyone along & loving that they are leave a trail of broken hearts only to come back and shatter it into a million more pieced. You will survive this chapter in your life & you will be stronger. IT feels like you will never be happy again right now but I promise you with time you will never ever want to see him again because you know he will only mess with your mind & heart.

IT IS TIME to claim YOUR power again with the NO CONTACT RULE!!!

This guy will just drag you along until you finally crawl out of this destructive relationship. You deserve so much better and this woman he married does to.

Who sends a text at 11 am then marries another person at 5 = A SOCIOPATH!!

COUNT YOUR BLESSING THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONE MARRIED TO HIM…you can break free now with out having to go to divorce court.

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year to talk with a free counselors right now would be a good time so that you know you are not alone. In the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE. They also can give you the numbers for your local abuse center where you can go for free counseling and free women group meetings. PLEASE PLEASE go to both!! This will open your mind up from his mind control manipulation.

YES, You are addicted to him…he has conditioned you to accept his coming and going…you need to break your mind free exactly like a cult follower has to break free from their cult leader. This evil manipulative guy is a mini cult leader and you are his cult follower. CLAIM YOUR POWER AGAIN!!! It’s time!!!

See the sites psychopathyawareness.wordpress. com

Donna this site creators has a life coach program to help guide you for a small fee it would be worth the money to talk with her…now is the time because he is busy playing the newly married husband. If you go to the top of this site under the red “contact” tab you can find her number.

Also if you go to the red “book store” tab at the top you can find Donna’s books and the books she personally recommends. My counselor gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra brown I highly recommend you buy it because it is one that will give you great understanding of how he controls you and how you feed into his manipulation.

HUGS to you. It’s so hard to break of any relationship but this is the best when it comes to dealing with a evil sociopath. READ, READ, READ everything on this site at the top under the red & gray tab and watch the videos posted up there too…do this every time that you feel you need to vent, or want to call him/text him or when you are sad, angry, mad as hell, crying…reading will help you open your mind up from his mind control and brain washing.

YOU are NOT a “failure”…you gave your heart to someone this is not a failure…sadly he conned you into his sick and twisted con game. Focus on him being evil and not on you hon it will help you to see the truth and that is he is a con artist who has conned you and his new bride and who knows how many others. My counselor told me that my ex h most likely cheated dozens & dozens of time on me in my marriage as this is what sociopaths do they are pathological liars and serial cheaters. I though after leaving my ex cheated on me at least 8 to 12 times but the counselor sadly is absolutely correct because my ex traveled weekly and was masterful at manipulating everyone.

Do a search here on love fraud & the internet for the following:

Gas lighting abuse

No contact rule (THIS IS YOUR SAVING GRACE to find peace & calm in your life) Follow this rule asap….block his number/text but better change your number and all social medial and email accounts.

Glad you reached out tonight, HUGS to you 🙂

Take care

It saddens me so much that you are going through this emotional abuse & pain. This is on the net about why it is important to follow the no contact rule:

Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

“No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”

Claimmypower, when you breakup with anyone the body releases larges amount of cortisol = makes you feel like a “basic case”. Check out adrenal fatigue. org, Drlam.com, Mialundin. com and her you tube videos. See symptoms on each site. Once you get your adrenal glands working correctly again from all the stress you have been under from this evil sociopath you will have a clear mind and free of anxiety etc.

It’s the missing link to fully healing from a domestic abusive relationship.

I wanted to also add that He never told his bride that he wanted to break things off and all the lies he told you about her is just that LIES. I know I was the wive were he was telling me that he loved me, wanted to be with only me throughout our marriage and when I found out about his first affair he begged me to stay all along telling his mistress he wanted to be with her. This is what sociopaths do they triangulate their victims against each other to string everyone along.

Google: “sociopath triangulation” & “sociopath smear campaign” to learn more about how he keeps you in his life. Also do a search for those words on LF.

Jan7 – I am worried about being strong enough to maintain NC which you obviously picked up on. I am very sensitive about rejecting people, probably because I was rejected often in my childhood. Kind of ridiculous….I’m worried about hurting his feelings while he is busy throwing me away like yesterday’s trash. Blocking him will be very difficult for me, and you are right. He will continue to drag me around. He already said he wanted to see me the next time he is in town. I said “Absolutely NOT”. Ugh. I need to really get my act together to get out of this.

I love your saying “You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water.” I’m putting that in a special place.

I’m sorry to hear you were the wife. Somehow, through all of this, I became numb to how my relationship with him might be affecting his fiance. My thinking was so screwed up. Originally, when I found out he was engaged, I tried to end the relationship because I didn’t want to be the other woman and do that to another woman. He convinced me to let go of my moral code and piggy back on his evilness. He has such a hold on me.

You’ve provided so many things for me to think about. Thanks so much, Jan7.

Hi Claimmypower, (btw I think your site name is great!). IT’s a conscious decision to go No Contact…for me I escaped my ex h and drove across country I knew that I could not read his emails or talk with over the phone because i realized that he was mentally controlling me and causing great anxiety when I did. I was so stressed out in the marriage that it literally made me sick.

once I found out through a counselor that he was a sociopath that every day that was it I was done, I had my answer to the hell that I had been living. even when divorce papers were delivered to him and me finding out he had 3 mistress in two different states plus all the other affairs he had he sent me a email stating “I thought we were going to work things out”…WHAT!?!…he was abusive to me in every possible, lies, manipulated me and everyone and had who knows how many mistresses and he still wanted to work out our marriage. CRAZY they are!!

I can only tell you from my experience and everyone that I have read on this site and others is the only way you will ever have peace from this evil man is following the NO contact rule. It’s not easy at first…it’s pure hell on your body and mind but with time you will calm your mind and body down plus healing your adrenal glands. You are breaking an addiction so its not easy. But its the best gift you will ever give yourself = kicking him out of your life for good.

You are a nice person this is why it is hard to be mean and shut him out but you are right he does not care about you or his new wife….he only cares about himself period. This will never ever change no matter how nice you are to him he will treat you like “yesterdays trash” and his wife and everyone else in his life.

Talking to the domestic abuse hotline really does help and going to their counseling and women group meeting really does open your mind up to the fact you ARE in a extremely mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

his Lying = abuse

his Manipulation = abuse

Him Using triangulation against his wife = abuse

using a smear campaign against his wife to get you to stay with him = abuse

his cheating = abuse

He made you feel “numb” about his wife by telling you she was “fat”, “the marriage was a business deal” etc…this is all his con game. This guy is using his new wife as a “business deal” makes you wonder what he has planed for her? Is he planning to take over her home, her business, her bank account. To open your mind up you have to start thinking that you and his new wife are both being conned…that she is NOT the enemy he IS the enemy. You and her are the good people. She most likey has no clue you are even in the picture.

My ex h triangulate me and his first mistress against each other, they worked together…he told me that she was “trolling for a man” even though she was married, that “she approached him”, that “she was the reason why he had an affair”…of course he was telling her that he loved her and telling me that he loved me..Guess what all of his triangulation against her worked…instead of focusing on HIM I focused on her…I spend way to much time hating her, hating that he came into our marriage…but guess what he did this on purpose because it took all the attention off of him. I should have focused on him not her. You need to do the same, you need to see that he is playing both of you and most likely others. Once I was educated on my ex h mental games including smear campaign and triangulation I did not feel any hate for his mistress, I realized she too was conned by my ex along with everyone that entered his life.

This guy is using “pity play manipulation” google to make you feel like he is being forced to marry her…it’s all mental mind games with them.

I get that you tried to end the relationship…they are so masterful. When i had proof of my ex h first affair I was done out the door..finished…but he begged me, literally sobbed, cried, told me he would do anything to keep me as his wife….uhhh such lies out of his evil mouth. He got friends involved to plead his case “he learned his lesson”, “he won’t cheat again” (ya right). I stayed another 7 years, the hell got worse because he knew I would leave hm so he controlled my mind even more.

This guy will cheat on you, his wife and every other women out there. This is what he does …he loves to control you and his new wife.

Don’t hold on to the fact that you were the other woman…just move forward now with the NO contact rule and start your life without this evil guy. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR. They do exactly that they push your boundaries and your “moral code” to get what they want from you…sex, money, a place to live, your business, your bank account etc.

****Do a search on “sociopath madonna and whore”.

A sociopath will have a madonna (usually the wife) and then have his mistress (the whores) PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT YOU ARE ONE..YOU are NOT one…..but this is the actually Sociological book term that is used to describe what sociopaths do to many victims at one time…this is one thing that someone guided to me on another site and I searched it and this was how i was able to see that my ex h used me for a front to look “normal” and for my money and then sadly he had women on the side so that he could push them sexually into doing things to control them. AGAIN NOT THAT HIS MISTRESSES Were whores they are not they just got conned by him, they too were all victims just like me and you.

YOU are a victim just like his wife.

HUGE HUGS TO YOU…keep asking questions as this will help you open your mind up further from his mind control. Check out Facebook page Psychopath free and also After Narcissistic abuse…both are great support fb…open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat on those pages without him seeing what you are chatting about. See also Lisascott the path forward surviving a narcissist.

Take care.

Claimmypower, there is a new show on the Oxygen Channel (USA) called “Player gets played”. It’s on Wednesdays nights but you can watch the past shows if you go to the Oxygen Channel. com

It’s a really powerful show were one women finds out her bf is cheating with several women then gets in contact with the women, they join forces and expose the lying cheating guy. IT will give you a smile and you will see this guy you are with is conning you and his wife.

Jan7 -I so appreciate your perspective and describing what happened to you. At some level, I know he only cares about himself. but other parts of me have a hard time believing anyone can be that evil on purpose.

In the last couple weeks we were living together, I found evidence he was seeking out casual sex encounters on Craigslist on the only night I was away from him in the last six months. When I confronted him, he gave me the “why would I cheat on you? don’t you know how much I love you??” speech. Then he proceeded to accuse my 20 yr old son of being the culprit.

The sad thing is, I shrugged it off because I was still “competing for him”. What the heck was I competing for? A cheating, bankrupt, lying, self-centered person I could never trust. How did I get so desperate?

Thanks for helping me get through this difficult night. Tomorrow, I’m channeling my energy to my family and friends and away from him.

Claimmypower, your welcome.

YES, why are you “competing for him”…keep saying that to yourself…he IS a lying, cheating, self centered person. AND you can do sooooo much better….even alone you are better off then with him.

IT’s really hard when you have one foot in the door & on out the door. I have been exactly where you are…it’s not easy…it took me a long time to finally pack my car up and leave my ex. But I can tell you this it was the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I have ZERO regret leaving him or divorcing him. I am happy now just by myself.

Let me tell you from what I have read on this site and others…Craig’s list is bad bad news when a victim sees that their mate has been that site it’s because a lot of time sociopaths are seeking out threesomes, gay sex, orgies, prostitution etc. This is a HUGE HUGE RED FLAG for you to protect your body from STD’s etc. He can kill you with his cheating on Craig’s list with aids, hep c etc. Please take this as a huge warning sign that you need to leave this guy just on this fact alone (plus everything else he has done to you).!!!!!

He made you “desperate” that is part of the triangulation manipulation…you were “fighting over him” this is what he wanted to keep you around. Glad you see this in a new light. One step at a time and soon you will be running away from him fast!!

Good idea to focus on you & your friends/family

Take care, 🙂

Claimmypower,

I’m regarding your last response to Jan7, he used projection at his best!

I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. Jan’s right, they push your moral code. Try not to beat yourself up. Sure he had a fiancé but you were #1!!! It’s mind blowing what we lose sight of when with these people.

I found my ex on craigslist soliciting sex…from men! Man or woman, it doesn’t matter. I believe it’s all about control over as many people as possible. There’s just no competing with that. No competing with anything they do. Which is why NC is key! You’ll get there in time. Until then, please try and be as kind to yourself as possible. Talk to yourself as you would when supporting your best friend.

I’ve watched players get played! So a awesome. Sometimes I wonder about the set up, and if it’s contrived. If not I worry about the women’s saftey, but then again it’s on national TV so it would probably be stupid for a spath to take harmful action?

Hugs to you, Claim. You’re moving the right direction in spite of your pain!!

Claimmypower… It feels like for all of us, we have the same experience, just with slight differences and circumstances, but it’s so similar the way it affects us. The pain is very deep and it’s based on the fact that they make us trust them early on, make us feel intensely loved and needed, and then start to show who they are, bit by bit, but not until we’re too far in.

I just read a short book today about 30 covert manipulation techniques used by these horrible people. I kept thinking the whole time that any of us here can read this list and say we have experienced every single one of them. It’s so sad to realize after the fact what has been done to our hearts.

For me, after I finally accepted it was over, I was humiliated by what I had allowed him to do to me, and the truth is that for a while I actually wanted to commit suicide (something I haven’t told anyone – right now is the first time I’m sharing this… scary for me, but it’s the truth). It has taken me time to stop feeling the blame for everything that happened, because I had to come to accept he is the one to blame and he’s the one who should feel humiliated.

I’m devastated on a daily basis at this point but it’s only begun to get a little better since July 9th when I started no contact. Jan7 is completely right about how necessary it is to cut everything off completely. You can’t heal until you do that because you’re still in it and your perspective is distorted. It’s not easy but the further you get from that last contact with him, the more you feel your own sense of self coming back. I personally didn’t think I was going to be ok, but now I feel hopeful. It’s a daily struggle, but now there’s light at the end of the tunnel, which is something I didn’t think was possible.

I relate 100 percent with your issue of hurting his feelings if you reject him. I had the same belief until I realized he doesn’t have REAL feelings of love for me and he never did. He’s a sociopath which means he has no conscience. If you reject him, the only thing he will ‘feel’ is anger that his manipulations and abuse aren’t working anymore. It’s so hard to grasp because they spend so much time methodically twisting your feelings so you’ll see them as a victim, they’re so full of love for you, you’re the only one they trust… blah blah blah. My ex had me believing if I left and stopped contact, I would just be another person who abandoned him and broke his heart. Now I think about that and it makes me sick!

I hope you find some peace with this soon… it takes time, but once you really know it in your heart that he’s a sociopath, it begins to change your perspective. Keep talking about your feelings here because you are among people who have experienced the same nightmare and it helps so much to realize you have support.

Hugs to you!

Jan7… Craigslist is quite a haven of filth for sociopaths! I couldn’t agree more with your warning and suggestions about STDs.

Triangulation is one of the covert manipulations I read about today and found it interesting that spaths use others to make us feel both insecure and secure, depending on how they’re using these other people. My ex would make me feel in competition with other women, but then he would also point out that other women couldn’t compare to me in his eyes. It depended on which mode he was in with the manipulation… there were those moments when he wanted me to feel good because it kept me feeling we still had what we had in the beginning, but it was just glimpses of that time period and it was all about him managing/controlling my perceptions. He told me I was his ‘normal’, which is what he had been missing his whole life. Those moments made it even more shameful for me when he would use certain women (especially the prostitute) to make me feel inadequate in one way or another – she was so open to things and I had a closed mind. Ugh. He was so good at his game, as they all are.

Thanks for sharing the Player gets Played show. I want to see that. I feel a pull toward the idea of vengeance of some kind but I’m trying to change that way of thinking because it’s unhealthy for me, so I’m thinking a show like that might help me feel a little more lighthearted about things. And thanks for sharing all of the good information you put on here tonight, especially the rules of NC. Researching these ideas has been a tremendous help for me and I’m sure for many others!

Take care! Hugs to you!! 🙂

Gaslit, it’s soooo crazy they all do the same mental manipulation….I can’t believe I was sucked in because I saw who he was the second I meet him through a mutual friend…but he is so masterful at this cunning manipulation like all of them. Such a crazy world!!

Yes, the triangulation is absolutely covert manipulation. And like you state it’s to make us “insecure & secure”…to break us down to control us and to build us up to control us too…it’s all control & power from them over everyone. All the lies they tell about the wife and all the lies the tell about their girlfriend (mistress). This was a big eye opener when I too read this along with their other mental games gave me the ability to let go of hating his mistress and realizing they were victims just like I was the only difference is they were free to walk & I was tied to divorce court to get free which was an absolute nightmare to deal with him & how he manipulated everyone in the court.

ps your welcome about Player gets played…it’s a really good show and it is so awesome to see the women joining forces without the player knowing vs being triangulated by the player.

Gaslit073168 – I truly can relate to your feeling of being humiliated and wanting to end your life. Thank goodness you didn’t act on that because we all need and support you..me especially!

I have told very few people about my situation. I’m so embarrassed and hurt and the story is so unbelievable. Also, over the past 2.5 years we were together, I’ve abandoned most of my friends. He wanted so much attention, that between my job, kids, his kids and him, my friends got no priority whatsoever. He always found something wrong with my friends and god forbid I talked to any guy friends. That was an automatic chance for him to threaten to end our relationship. I really don’t want to tell anyone about his marriage, so I tell people he’s moved away and it’s over because I’m not able to move at this time (okay, now I’m lying. ugh).

Last night, my mom kept asking me about him and his kids over the phone, and I finally got angry with her and told her to stop talking about him. It’s hard not sharing the truth of the situation, but most people don’t understand and I don’t want to hear about what a jerk he was for the rest of my life from other people. I also don’t want their pity. At this point, I feel just as responsible as he was for the perpetrating the dysfunction and it’s embarrassing.

On a brighter note, today, the morning after his wedding, I’m feeling a little better. He kept me on the hook until the last minute, saying that “it’s not over until the fat lady sings”. He kept my hope alive up to the minute when he said “I do”.

24 hours of NC! Small victory for the moment.

I am going to contact the domestic abuse hotline, both related to him and related to an ongoing, very challenging situation with my physically abusive, mentally handicapped 18 year-old son. These days, I’m getting it from all sides. Also, I had never thought about the Spath’s lies, cheating, triangulation, manipulation as abuse, so thank you, Jan7, for that perspective.

Claimmypower (at least trying to)

Your welcome Claimmypower, I never thought that lying, cheating, triangulation & manipulation was abuse either until I went to my local abuse center and through my counselor. The book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra brown was extremely helpful to really see what I was enduring in my marriage also Donna Anderson’s books (love fraud site creator).

We as a society think that “domestic abuse” is physical abuse…but after educating myself on what I endured I searched and found that the bulk of domestic abuse is not physical abuse but emotional & mental abuse = all forms of manipulation. It’s their mind games that is the most damaging to us. Psychical abuse usually does not occur until the victim is either ready to leave her abuser or has left. The most dangerous time for a abusive victim like yourself is when you leave your abuser. So please be careful not that you are educated on sociopathic abuse.

Also know this guy is not going to let you go…he is out on his honeymoon with his wife but he will soon be knowing at your door to tell you lies about his wife to hook you into his abusive game again. This is what sociopath LOVE to do they love the chase and the discard and then the cycle all over again.

This is the domestic abuse power wheel (google) it’s an emotional roller coaster of the honeymoon stage, the tension building stage, the abuse stage then the honeymoon stage. This is why the no contact rule works it gives the victim her power back to say NO I deserve better and the only what to have better in my life is without you (the abuser).

You ARE Claiming your power by coming here to ask questions, to vent and for support! This is the first step…keep reaching out to the domestic abuse center. For me I called and set up a free counseling session at my local abuse center. I sat in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face so embarrassed that I ended up in this position when I saw who he was the very second I met him and the second time I meet him to. But he was masterful at manipulating me and everyone.

Once I went inside and met with the counselor I began to see that YES I was being abused emotionally, mentally & verbally. Then I went to the first women group meeting and WOW my eyes were wide open…they had each women (about 40) tell their story…I was shocked that 80% of them were like my story…the first time I could not tell my story I would have just sobbed but the second time I told my story and it felt good to be heard by so many. It really helped me. The embarrassment was gone after that because I realized I had nothing to be embarrassed about it was not about me it was about the fact that an evil man was just that evil.

Reconnect with your friends..they will come around again 🙂 Tell people that he was a con artist who conned people and that you don’t want that type of person in your life. That is simple enough for them to understand why he is not in your life. If they want further details then tell them that it turned out he was engaged to someone else keep it simple for them to understand. But please do not feel shame or embarrassment for what you endured. You were conned into his sick & twisted game. You are a victim.

YAY!!! 24 HOURS OF NO CONTACT!!!! 🙂 HUGE HUGE HUGE VICTORIOUS MOMENT!!!!! 🙂

I’m finding the nights are the most difficult, so I’m writing this instead of being sad about the situation. I did enjoy great food and beverages this afternoon while listening to some awesome bands. However, even though I didn’t have direct contact today, I posted pictures of my outing on FB, hoping he would see them and feel bad because I was moving on and enjoying my life. I need to stop obsessing over him. I feel like throwing up tonight. Just feeling so sick about how long I let this go in. I originally said I would break things off after 4 months of “competition”, but that date came and went and I did not stick to my guns. I’m very scared he’ll contact me when he comes back into town in a few weeks,

At one time, I told him that if he ever contacted me after getting married, I would notify his wife and spill the beans about our relationship. Now I realize this is stupid and just furthers his triangulation. He’d make me out as a crazy woman who is angry because he got married.

Claimmypower, Glad you came here to vent! That is the best thing to do even if someone does not see your post until the morning you at least are venting things out of your mind.

Nights are hard 🙁 but with more time away from him you will start to see & feel peaceful again.

Some good movies to watch at night…The Joy Luck Club, The Holiday by Nancy Myers staying Kate Winslet (sp?) and Cameron Diaz. Both will help you to find your gumption again.

Going full no contact will give you back your power…block him fully so that he CANT contact you. Sociopath will try everything from pity play, shift blaming, getting lovey dovey to intimidation, lovebombing, anger to suck a victim back into their con game. This is why changing your phone number, blocking your social media and email so that he can’t contact you from this day forward is the best.

The book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown is a must read as it will give you much needed clarity about your relationship with him along with Lovefraud by Donna Anderson. Keep reading everything up at the top & watch the videos over and over when you feel emotional. It will help you to open up your mind from his brain washing.

Wishing you the best tonight 🙂

Day 3 of NC. I’m lucky he hasn’t tried to reach me because I haven’t blocked him yet. Hopefully, I’ll be strong enough to do that soon. I’ve had lots of ups and downs. Today i’m thinking about what part of the situation I own. I really believed I loved him, but maybe I’m just fooling myself. i was so stressed all the time. Today was the first day I haven’t had to take my anti-anxiety meds for seven months. I was always trying to downplay the things he did or said which were so contrary to my thinking….he’d use racial slurs,tell off teenage store clerks, use his investor’s money for personal expenses, call my son by girl names. These are the tame things. Lots of thoughts swirling around. Trying to get past the feeling of jealousy towards his new wife and their $40,000 wedding. I’m frustrated that my mind keeps wandering back to him.

Claimmypower, STANDING OVATION for 3 days of NC!!!!! 🙂 YAY!!

Pat yourself on your back!!

Journaling really helps to see how you were sucked into his con game & to see what you could have done differently. Just write what comes to your mind…it does not have to be in conical order or with perfect grammar or spelling…just get your thoughts out on paper for you to see your relationship with this evil guy more clearly .

One of the things that stands out in your post is how he treated strangers & that he was STEALING from clients…this guys is brazen and does not care about anyone what so ever. There is much written on the net about sociopaths narcs and narcissist and how they treat outsiders & how they treat their family behind closed doors.

This guy should be in jail!! seriously!!!

He is a criminal!!!

He treats everyone horrible. His poor new wife is going to be conned out of everything if he is stealing from his clients…this will be very very bad ending for her, her reputation, her financial future, her personally. Very Sad.

Very sad for you…what is wonderful for you is you now know the truth of who he is = sociopath = evil = if you stay with him he will destroy you emotionally, mentally & verbally and down the road most likely financial.

That “$40,000 Dream Wedding”…..is quickly going to turn into a Nightmare of a life for her. This guy leaves only a trail of destruction where ever he goes…out to a store where he says racial slurs to the staff, to his office stealing money, to you by lying & manipulating you and his wife.

There is no doubt that he will steal from his wife just by his statement that she is a “business deal”…she is a financial target like most wives are and you are also a target to control & manipulate.

I am so proud of you for 3 days of No Contact!! Blocking is the best thing you can do right now…I get that you are not ready but keep thinking about claiming your power back from this evil sociopath.

claimmypower…look at the symptoms list on both these sites for your anxiety issues:

adrenalfatigue. org

drlam. com

also mialundin. com do a search on adrenal fatigue & hormonal imbalance both issues for victims of abuse (PSTD)

Jan7 – your insights are amazingly helpful and I’m amazed how you picked up on his patterns. He does leave a trail of destruction wherever he goes. He just keeps plowing ahead regardless of the consequences to others. Journaling is a great idea, and I’ve ordered Woman Who Love Psychopaths. Should be here in a day or two.

I’ve got a six day stretch coming up when both my sons will be gone. I’m anxious and sad about hAving so much alone time. The boys are a helpful distraction.

Embarking on Day 4! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. So helpful!

Claimmypower & Janedoe, hugs to you both! I’m just shaking my head at the evilness in this world. I was also thinking of the dozen years I was married to my ex h and how much I cried during that time & prayed for answers as I felt so alone. To find LF & other support sites has been a blessing for all of us. I always say that the one thing that the sociopaths of this world did not count on is all the victims getting together to life each other up & to heal together. So powerful!

Claimmypower…Cheers to Day 4 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Janedoe, thank you for sharing your story here today. It’s so sad how many hearts have been broken just by opening up your heart & showing your vulnerability to a mate.

For me read everything on the manipulation techniques of a sociopath and how it related to my marriage really opened up my mind and now I can’t even think about my ex without seeing true evil…claimmypower like Janedoe stated you will get to that point when the fog lifts. Keep moving forward with NC it works wonders 🙂

Jan7
You’re a great inspiration with many healing wise words.
I wanted to tell the jist of my story because I know when I first dealt with all of this, anyone who had similarities to me, was a great help.
I spared so many details because I’ve told the story so many times lol. The most surprising for me when I can to LF was that no matter in which way we were treated, it all comes down to tj same thing. I never knew that this abnormal behaviour ever existed. Then I came here and have had nothing but support and so much in common with everyone.
I hope clammy power knows that it does get better even though at this moment it seems impossible and the hurt won’t go away…it does.
I believe she stated that she can’t imagine going NC…oh I know that feeling so well. But I got to the point where I had to think of my self respect and dignity…yes when I first found out the horrible truth mine had done to me I cried and even begged him not to do this. I was in a state of shock and I begged. I was emailing him very regularly when he got married, I wasn’t seeing clearly and didn’t care that he was married. It got to a point that I was emailing and he just wasn’t responding. And when he did after a month and claimed that he didn’t have time to respond…it was like a slap in the face. I had my pride suddenly and wasn’t giving him the satisfaction of begging or messaging him. That’s when I said it’s enough and went NC. Yes he contacted me four months later at Xmas begging to see me but I felt so good having done the NC for four months. I had strength and was claiming my self respect back.
Clammy power can do this, there may be some setbacks back she will succeed 🙂

Hi clammy power
Your story…very similar to my story just a short year ago. In fact he is celebrating his one year anniversary any day now….puke!
I was in a relationship for 3-4 years and was love bombed at the beginning and that alone was red flag number one and I shd have thought he was crazy then. Little by little over the course of time, more and more things happened that indicated he was cheating and lying and manipulating. I found many many open pages on his computer, where he was having heavy conversations as though it were me he was speaking to. Promises of marriage and trips together, wanting kids are with them, putting them on a pedestal. I approached him and he ALWAYS had a reason for it. Since it was just the beginning for me at the time I figured all his stories about these women were true. sometimes he made me believe I was seeing things. He’s erase or delete whatever it was j saw and claimed there was nothing and I must have been seeing things.
Deep down I knew, I had a feeling he was nuts. But I loved the attention from him and the amazing time we spent together. I live in North America and he in Europe…who knew what he was doing all day long, right? It sure seemed like all his time was devoted to me though with the numerous messages a day and many trips where he came here for lengths at a time..I got myself to believe “ok big deal if he is doing a little flirting, after all it is me who’s speaking with him all day and trips were made together quite a few times a year. I ignored it all. But something in the back
Of my mind was always there. I was stressed each day if I hadn’t heard from him and if he didn’t sound the same each time. Or if we planned on speaking at certain times and he didn’t show up. He was always up at weird hours and slept very little and then would tell me he needed time to sleep due to exhaustion. I could go on and on with all the warnings.
Finally a year ago we were together and had a beautiful week. I knew about this girl he had been speaking about who was apparently after him. He said h met her through one of his “short term” work contracts…he never had a steady job but insisted he worked for the government doing top secret stuff and only worked by contracts.
So this girl was after him and he told me about it the year before. But be made it sound that he wasn’t interested at all..calling her names and degrading her..constantly showing me pics
Of how ugly he thought she was. This went on for a year until last year while we were away together was the last j saw of him. He left here, and a week
Later he was on a plane to her and they were married.
He tried to convince me that entire time she was an awful person. He was in contact telling me up until he flew there, that he was so sorry but what kind of future could we have and he wasn’t sure what he was doing but he was doing it. He loved me more than anyone ever and I was this and that, blah blah
I was devastated and a year later since LF I am slowly recovering. NC was the only thing plus the woman on LF that gave me back sanity.
He has contacted me several times..the first time declaring he made a huge mistake and would u pls see him. The love bombing began all
Over again like a new relationship. I fell for it and I felt sorry for him..this was at Xmas. He then contacted me The very next day and apologized for getting my hopes up but he loved his wife and me too but he can’t do this to her. Again I was devastated…
I’m trying to make this short so not to bore you!
Since back and forth a few days after Xmas and doing the same crap I went NC again. He re contacted me three times since with the love bombinf and promises and then the day after taking it back. I’ve deleted many things so he can’t contact me but somehow at times I’ve caved in I admit.
I know this man is so poison..while
He plays his sympathy on me about how I’m
The only true love of his, he did all he did to me. Only distance has given me this clarity to stop lying to myself that he is a good person.
As time goes forward I think less of him. I haven’t forgotten a lot of things that were special but the dishonest and betrayal disgusts me
Everyone here has given you some
Great advice and jan7 knows what she’s talking about. Keep reading here and asking questions over and over and inform yourself on this type of warped human being. With time when that fog
Lifts believe it or not, you will start to begin to see what a creepy terrible person he is.
I hope things are going well with NC and congrats for making it this far 🙂

Wow. Janedoe, so many things you wrote about happened to me! Throughout our entire relationship, he would get my hopes up, sometimes with little things (promise to go shopping together and then would back out) to big things (telling me his engagement was going downhill, he was going to buy a boat and sail the Caribbean with me, talking about starting a business together). The next day, it was like nothing happened. One night he would profess his love…I was the woman he always wanted, blah, blah, blah..the next day he would say “I just want to be friends” or disappear for a night or get super mad about me not answering my cell phone immediately. My mind was constantly focused on what I needed to do to keep him “happy”….maybe happy isn’t the right term, because he was rarely happy. Avoiding angry comments, long silences and disappearances was more of what I was doing.

There was a period of 3-4 months during our relationship when we weren’t living together. He would call at night and tell me how much he missed and loved me and how he wanted to be with me. The next day would tell me he just wanted to be friends and disappear for 4-5 days. He would surface again, profess his love and then disappear. I’m so glad you told me this happened to you, Janedoe. I would have fallen for it. Now, I’ll try to be smarter and remember what he was like during that awful summer and remember your story, too. These two guys sound very similar.

One of the weirdest things happened when I found out that he had gotten engaged one weekend when he went out of town. BTW, he left my house and was engaged to her 36 hours later, but came back and resumed our relationship like nothing happened. When I finally found out two weeks later through a mutual acquaintance, I asked him when he planned to tell me about the engagement. He told me he planned to tell me at a concert he had bought very expensive tickets for. Did he think somehow that would make it easier for me to hear because I was at a country music concert? Crazy, crazy, crazy.

Claim my power
First off I have to apologize for getting your name wrong. I read it wrong and even thought it didn’t sound right when I typed it originally …so sorry!
Like you my hopes were up constantly. I was always stressed each day during this time. He was always on my mind and everything I did revolved around his schedule. The compliments and promises poured in daily from him it almost was too good to be true. Even when visiting here he was doing all kinds of cheating and manipulating me and lying and looking back, now I see it more clearly.
Funny thing is when he was good he was great but when there were times I wouldn’t hear from him I always knew something was up. I don’t know about your ex but mine had a horrible upbringing…he and three brothers from different fathers, his mother sexually abused him and she committed suicide and he found her when he was 13 or so…who knows he could have fabricated this but somehow I think that stuff could be true by things I’d seen
Mine as well got engaged and pretending the whole time she was chasing him and he hated her. I couldn’t believe what he’d say about her but it was enough to convince me he didn’t care for her and she was chasing him.
During our time together the things I’d discover would make anyone leave him. I found many different accounts with his picture as a profile but all these accounts were different names. He had many conversations with numerous women asking them to have his baby and marry him. When I would be sick with disgust and asked him, those accounts would disappear very quickly so I could not access them anymore and made me look stupid…all kinds of stupid things like this
I really thought I loved him but all these things that happened I kept as a reminder as to what kind of person he was..up until that dreaded day he boarded that plane to marry a girl thirty years younger.
I feel like i am repeating myself to you but you get the story..
Although you are no contact has he tried to be in touch?
It sounds exactly like mine would have done when he texted you the morning of his wedding claiming his love and what a mistake he’s making…omg this has happened to me since he’s been married…
The excuses he would use for lies were so stupid…I don’t know who is dumber him or me for believing him.
You do know he will try to resume contact with you? Kind of like to make sure you’re still there…it may be early at this point for you to have a clear head and See what he really is, that is why the no contact is important. Yes you will crave him and want him but if you can hold on and get over that hump, you will see what he has done is not normal…
I’m in the same boat as you but a little further ahead and just starting to come out of the fog…
I’m here for you if you have anything you need to know 🙂

Claimmypower
I just wrote you something I’d forgotten about and thought I posted it. I can’t find it so will post again

I noticed with my ex he was an extremely unorganized, impulsive secretive person. He had to have notes everywhere to remind him to do things. He had many spots where he would put the notes. A spot for his daily activist, a spot for things he needed to pay, a spot where he kept passwords to his many accounts, a spot for everything other wise he couldn’t remember.
He had no concept of time either, he was always late and extremely unorganized in the way he went about anything. Very poor time management skills. Although he was a very bright educational man in the midst of achieving a masters/phd.
He lost things on a daily basis due to his unorganized ways…keys, money, important documents, glasses, remotes…anything that comes to mind.
Impulsivity was him to a tee. He could be here today and across the world tomorrow’. He was more than ready and willing to pick up and leave to do things.
He was always venturing around the world whether it was for jobs or to meet women. Nothing ever stopped him.
Most of his gf did come from around the globe. They were all very young and uneducated and on the poor side. He felt he was doing them a favour by teaching them the proper things in the world.
It doesn’t surprise me he married someone thirty years younger and poor…I am ten years younger but more established and know where my life is headed, which was not the usual kind of person for him.
His life was just a big mess all the time and he would get extremely stressed if you tried to suggest ways to help him stay on track. Almost as though he liked this irratic lifestyle.
Has anything like this been noticeable in your ex?

Unorganized, impulsive, bright, erratic, late…that describes my ex, too! He had piles of unopened mail, receipts, empty containers, clothes all over in his car. He wanted to leave everything out on the counters so he “remembered”. Does one really need to keep their toothbrush out to remember to brush their teeth?? Actually, he tried to isolate his mess to a few main dumping sites with strict instructions not to touch his stuff. He was forgetful. For example, he would need me to help with something very important for his business, forget about it during the evening and then ask me to do it as I was trying to leave for work!

My ex was also very abused in his childhood. Alcoholism, severe beatings, medical negligence. Until he was planning his wedding, he hadn’t had contact with many of his family members for years, especially his father, who sounds very horrible.

My ex also sent emails to other woman professing his love, wanting to have babies with them. During the same week he proposed to me early in our relationship, he was corresponding with a woman in Europe, telling her he wanted to marry her.

Those things said, he brought things into my life which I enjoyed and miss terribly. He was super funny, a great cook, insightful, challenging, resourceful, passionate, hard working, athletic and extremely street smart. Unfortunately, he was also manipulative, dishonest, irresponsible and unfaithful and he broke my heart.

I am 5 days NC, not due to any effort of my own. He hasn’t tried to contact me, and I told him I wouldn’t contact him and am hell bent on sticking to that. Since I haven’t heard from him, of course, I start getting sad, thinking that he is having a wonderful honeymoon, being the guy I always wanted him to be, but with someone else. Now, my rational brain tells me this isn’t true. However, my emotional brain still wants to believe that somewhere inside him lives someone who was not manipulative, dishonest, irresponsible and unfaithful. Unfortunately, from what I read and from all the LF supporters who have shared their stories and wisdom, that is not true.

Hopefully, someday I’ll find someone with all those great qualities minus the yucky stuff. Until then, lots of work to do on myself. Hugs to you all!

Claim… you’re not giving yourself enough credit! It is ALL about your effort. You’re the one who says no contact by telling him so and then sticking by it!! You’re doing it, and you should be patting yourself on the back because it’s painful as hell to do it.

I was lectured today about letting it go… as if that’s possible! I was told (by my close family) that I should be open to forgiveness because we all have our personal demons. Well, I’m aware of that, but the problem is this: most of us are bothered by our personal demons and try to change those dark parts of ourselves… he celebrates his personal demons and uses them to do great harm to others. I can’t decide to forgive that. Not right now anyway, and not before there are some consequences for his actions. The problem is his demons are too evil.

So, tomorrow is my birthday and I wonder if I’ll get some anonymous message. About a week ago, I got a strange “unknown” phone call with no message. I feel like it was him. I hate to admit this, but I hope he does try to contact me. I want to know he remembers… I wish I could stop caring about these pointless things.

Anyway Claim, you really are doing well. You’re NC and you plan to stay that way! Good for you! It begins getting easier, I can promise you that. I’ve been NC since July 9th. During those first several days, I went through total hell. Now I think about being face to face with him and I believe the sight of him would make me physically sick! Although being face to face would give me that very special opportunity for a quick sharp knee to the crotch — that urge is still there and I make no apologies for it!! 😀

Everyone take care… HUGS to all !!!!!! <3 <3 <3

Gaslit073168
I apologize for not being current on your story or ClaimMyPower. But I want to respond to a couple of things you wrote. Fair disclosure: You sound young(nd hip, or cool, or whatever word they use today). I am not; I’m old, fat, and Ugly. But I have some things I have concluded LONG ago.

1) Once you’re over 18, you are a legal adult and NO ONE has the right to lecture you about ANYTHING. We are all on our own journey in life to figure it out. What works for others doesn’t work for everyone. So… UNLESS you solicited their opinion (opinion, as in Everyones-got-one and no ones is more valid than any other), then that means such a thoughtless and coldhearted opinion reveals who they are….they outed themselves as a control person… kinda like a hall monitor. (Did you have those in school? We did and they were good two shoes twits, with no heart about the crap that happens to people in life.)

2) A simple directive like “ya’ll should forgive and forget” doesn’t mean they are right or even that’s good advice (’cause it isn’t. It’s crap advice.). It simply means that someone hasn’t lived enough to realize there are things that are UNFORGIVABLE.

Forgiveness is an enormous subject. Personally, since I self identify as Christian, I follow Jesus as my teacher and example. Jesus didn’t forgive Satan. Rather, he commanded Satan to “get behind me”. That’s not “forgiveness”, that’s dismissal. On a philosophical level, I am unable to forgive the monster who destroy my child. So… I turned it over to GOD. I released the feelings that were too much for mortal me, and I take comfort that GOD has the final say. I am Yoked to GOD, and he makes my burden light. (think metaphors) I had to remind myself often that it’s not my battle anymore, it’s GOD’s but that’s what allows me to focus on what I want in my life, not on what unforgivable thing was done to me.

3) The HARDEST days are our special days. We are more vulnerable then. So you would like to think he remembers, but know this: His ‘remembering’ isn’t about care or connection, it’s about CONTROL OVER YOU. Think of him as having the character of Smeagol/Gollum. When he’s “nice”, it’s only a set up for Gollum to unleash. Ewww. Gollum. A slime ball. possessed by an evil murderous demon.

Go celebrate a fantastic birthday. Focus on event after event to validate and EMPOWER YOU, a person who has better things to do and better people to do them with than HIM. And don’t let a “friend” trivialize abuse. Friends don’t do that. Disloyal Aholes do that.

I say, start NOW. Pick yer song. I’ll save you from having to imagine me dancing but I love all music so let’s all dance and celebrate the GREAT Birthday of GasLit073168. Whoo whoo! lalalalallllaaaaa!

Total disorganization was a huge part of my ex spath as well. He would get angry if I tried to help him get his life together. I was interfering! He made bad impulsive decisions on a regular basis with no regard for the consequences. His memory was a nightmare (brain cancer was the excuse, but I’m not so sure it’s true that memory issues were caused by the cancer or surgeries because they weren’t on those centers of the brain that focus on memory). He used the memory concerns as an excuse for a lot of his behavior. He had very poor judgment and made bad decisions on a regular basis, even though he knew he was making a mistake. He was very immature and seemed to want to do things that younger people did, like going to teen movies, wave to strangers out a car window and laugh about it, that sort of thing. I did learn why he was so secretive about the computer… preteen porn isn’t something he wanted to share with me! Makes me sick that I lived in the same home with that nastiness for as long as I did.

Interesting that many of them have these traits!

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