Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Lila” she posts as “gruuvygirl.”
Like many of the women I see on this site, I stumbled here while searching for answers as to why my four-year relationship is so incredibly painful and why I keep going back for more pain and heartache. I feel like I have lost my mind.
At the beginning, our relationship was awesome. I was soooo happy because I thought I had finally found “the one” — my soul mate! He was handsome, drove a Harley, liked to do the same things I do, he was friendly and everyone liked him (I thought), he had a house on the lake and a job, but mostly he seemed to adore me.
But even at the beginning there were red flags. I just chose to ignore them, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Actually he lied to me the very first day I met him. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.
I met him at a bike rally and after spending the day together, he asked if I wanted to ride his bike back to his house. I was unfamiliar with the area and asked how far it was to his house. He told me 20 minutes. On the bike 20 minutes passed, then 25, then 30, then 35, then 40. Forty-five minutes later we arrived. I was terrified — thinking that he was taking me somewhere to murder me! I just laughed it off.
He showed up and never left
The day after I met him, he showed up at my place, and pretty much never left. It was awkward and it felt uncomfortable, but I was taken with him so I ignored my uneasy feeling.
He was with me constantly. He missed work so he could hang with me. He was always under foot. He showered me with compliments and told me he loved me after just four days another red flag I ignored.
He said “I love you” dozens and dozens of times a day — so much so that it was annoying. It was like the words were meaningless and coming from a robot. But at first, it was exhilarating that he was so crazy about me. Well, I soon found out that he was just crazy!
Married four times
It didn’t take long for me to notice something was not right with him. He told me he’d been married twice. I found out it was four times (at least) and that he was STILL married to the last one! He didn’t volunteer this information, I found out on the computer.
When I mentioned the lies, he blew it off like it was nothing, making me feel like I was prying where I didn’t belong. What??
He was always talking about big plans for the future — a business he was going to start — and he wanted me to be a part of it. It was exciting. After four years, he’s done nothing towards making this happen.
I’ve come to realize that he is all talk, no action. He couldn’t start a business when he couldn’t let me out of his sight for 10 minutes. He suffocated me — and when I explained that me-time was important to me, and something I needed in the relationship, he acted hurt and got mad and totally disregarded this need.
Every time I needed space or time alone, he threw a temper tantrum or pouted. But I slowly got used to it.
Wanted sex
He did nice things for me a lot but mentioned what he did over and over — milking praise and adoration from me for even the smallest little things — like taking out the trash. It became clear though that every thing he did for me was not to be nice. Everything had a string attached.
Usually it was that he wanted sex. He wanted sex at least once a day. Sex was incredible! I loved it. But I had no choice whether or not I wanted to — I had to every night or he would make me miserable with his tantrums and pouting.
He told me AFTER we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C!! I was shocked.
But again, I let that slide too as if it were nothing.
Raped me
Not too long after we started dating, he raped me the first time. Like I said, I was not allowed to say no to sex. Afterwards, when I was upset and crying and accused him of raping me, he told me I wanted it. OMG! I said no and fought him off ”˜til I was tired! But I wanted it?
He raped me two times again after that — several months later — once when I had a house full of family over for Thanksgiving! But I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I started to loathe sex with him after awhile, because it seemed that was all he cared about.
He was obsessed with porn and would watch it on my laptop even after I expressly asked him not to. We’d fight about it, he’d promise not to do it again, and a day or two later, I’d here the moans and screams of some chick on the porn he was watching. He’d lie and say it accidentally came on.
Lie and deny
He lied so much it hurt my head. I couldn’t argue with him, because he denied denied denied everything wrong he ever did.
He would watch porn on his smart phone out in the living room with my teenage daughter in the house. He eventually ruined my laptop by getting a virus from one of the skanky sites he was on!
Another night I got up in the middle of the night and he is watching it in the living room — again with my daughter in the house! But he always convinced me that I was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything, and I was just a bitch!
Everyone but me started to hate him. Every girl in my family said he gave them the creeps with his dead cold eyes. It took me years before I finally saw what they were talking about.
Ripped off everyone
He worked construction but worked sporadically, dragging jobs out forever and pissing off his clients. He ripped off almost everyone he worked for. No one called him back for second jobs.
He stole money from me, I caught him with my DVDs in his suitcase, plus he stole other things from me too. But he denied it all or had a stupid excuse every time I would bust him.
He NEVER did anything wrong. It was all me being a bitch!
Two different times I was told that he was hitting on girls when I wasn’t around. When I confronted him of course he denied it — saying he only had eyes for me! Blah Blah Blah. I never really bought his bull crap — and it was starting to stack up!!
He lies all the time. He tells big stories about people he knows and the respect he gets from cops and judges and that he can pull strings for people because of the power he has. It’s all bull!!!
He gets what he wants from me by bullying or manipulating me. It’s exhausting! His words are cheap. His actions speak volumes.
Talked bad about me
He has talked bad about me to my kids and my friends — I guess trying to get them to think he was Mr. Cool Guy and I was the crazy one or the bitchy one.
He always tried to turn people away from me and to him — but always behind my back. He was SNEAKY and it hurt that about every 3 months I’d find that he betrayed me and broke my heart.
One day while looking for a picture he’d taken on his phone, I discovered that he had memberships in about 5-6 sex hook-up sites. I was so heartbroken that it physically hurt! Even with the printed out pages of his profiles as proof, he denied it!
Had a stroke
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and I never left his side, nursing him back to health, even though he talked to me like dirt and was demanding and rude.
How did he repay me? After he was back on his feet, I discovered “Kim Babe” saved in his phone.
So I called Kim Babe and got the shock of my life. He’d been having an affair with her for five months and even had her moved into our lake house! She didn’t know about me either. It was a shock to her too.
He used her for money, clothes and sex. He denied it too, even after I talked to her and got the whole story! She told me that he told her he loved her within the first week too!!!
Called me her name
I was so hurt. But after brief separation, I took him back. Stupid Stupid Stupid! In the first couple of months after reuniting, he actually called me by her name, not once but FOUR times!
Once while having sex and once while saying I love you.
How do you do that four times? It was like he did it on purpose to hurt me! I’ve found him on sex hook up sites twice since the cheating too! His sex addiction is disgusting!
Wants all my attention
He insists on having all of my attention and gets pissed when I spend time with friends or family.
My first grandbaby was born September 2013 and I babysit her every day. He is even jealous of the baby! If he isn’t getting the attention he thinks he deserves, he starts a huge fight and ruins family trips and outings all the time!
No matter what I do it isn’t enough. He has no interests except me and what I’m doing! He has no friends. Even his own mom told me to break up with him because he’s evil!
Going to explode
All of this is sandwiched between doting attention and “I love you” constantly. It’s got me feeling like I am going to explode!
No one wants me to be with him, and family and friends are getting so sick of me getting back together with him. I don’t blame them!
They are sick of hearing all the horrible things he does, only to see me run right back to it. I have no clue why I go back to him!
Fear of being alone probably. I’m a former high school teacher, nice looking and fun, but I have no self esteem and fear dying a lonely old lady.
Violence
In November we got into a huge fight and he dislocated two of my ribs, making it where I could barely move or breathe for two months. I didn’t hide what happened from my family and they now HATE him.
When watching TV, if there is fighting going on — he laughs — like most people laugh watching comedies! It’s creepy!
He has four or five kids but isn’t in any of their lives. He’s always too busy chasing women.
He has three grandkids and I know in the four years we’ve dated, he’s never seen them!
He has no friends. His family hates him. His oldest daughter told me once that they believe he molested her when she was a baby. She also said he had raped before!
I brushed it off as the ex-wife’s baseless accusations, but now I don’t know!
He’s a former biker gang member and I’ve heard some pretty scary stories of violent things he’s done in the past. He dismisses it as the past is the past and that was back when I was drinking.
Since the cheating
We’ve been rocky since the cheating. I hung in there, but I never treated him warmly like I did before he cheated. We fight, he disappears for days and doesn’t answer his phone and gives me the cold shoulder. I figure he is with someone else during that time, because he doesn’t like to be alone.
Then he comes back, swearing he was just working and making money for “us” although I never see any of the money.
Ugh! It’s a vicious, terrible, soul-sucking cycle!
Last straw
Last weekend was finally the last straw.
He came by and left me 40 bucks so I could drive down to our lake house. I told him I probably wouldn’t go, but I decided to go ahead and go.
I called him all day to let him know I was on the way, but he never answered.
I got down there and pulled in the driveway and he poked his head out the door, saw it was me, and shut and locked the door. I knocked and knocked. I started to wonder if I had hallucinated, seeing him look out the door.
Finally, I gave the door a good kick and it opened. He came storming out of the upstairs bedroom screaming about me kicking the door and telling me to, “Get the F*&^ out.”
I said, “Who is in the bedroom?”
He said no one, but kept standing in front of the door so I couldn’t go in.
I was crying and screaming — feeling like I was in a nightmare, scared to death to see what I already knew was in our bedroom.
He pushed me to the floor and pinned me down so she could get past me and out of the house.
My heart was broken and I was mad! I was screaming and yelling and he punched me right in the face.
I left and haven’t talked to him since.
He loves me
He’s been texting me that he loves me.
Really?? You lock me out of the house after I drove 2.5 hours to spend the weekend with you, because you are with a girl, and you love me??
He said he had just given her a ride for some friends, blah blah blah, more lies.
He did say he was sorry at the end.
I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me”. Oh my God!!
Unbelievably — after catching him red-handed with a girl, he wasn’t sorry, he only raged at me and blamed ME — saying my jealousy was the problem.
What girl wouldn’t be mad in that situation? Am I crazy??
Blames me
He blames me so much for everything that I start to believe it!
He never apologizes, and if he does, it’s insincere. He never shows remorse or concern when I’m hurt and crying.
We get along great if it is just he and I and no one else — and we are doing what he wants. But I’m not going to be his slave!
I’ve never cheated on him, but he accuses me of it all the time! It feels awful!
He never apologizes or even acknowledges doing anything wrong! It’s so frustrating!
He respects no boundaries. He even read my journal! Not only did he read it, but wrote rude things in the margins! Who does that???? I’m dumbfounded!
Dead in a ditch
This last fight he told me my family was going to find me dead in a ditch, and I kinda believe him! He always threatens to beat me up and even kill me, but later makes light of it saying he was “just mad.”
I don’t want him near me or my granddaughter. But I still love the stupid jerk! What is wrong with me??
Does he sound like a sociopath to you? He meets every one of the critieria on the list except the intense staring. I don’t think he does that.
I’ve been reading stories on this site for a long time, so I know about the no contact rule. It’s so hard but I’m really trying to do it this time.
I’m sorry this is so rambling. I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile now. It’s hard to get all the chaos to flow into a smooth story.
Help!!
Reader spots Red Flags of Love Fraud in a woman he meets on a dating site
Lila – there is nothing wrong with you. Your story is exactly like the stories of everyone on Lovefraud who was deceived and manipulated by a sociopathic romantic partner.
Why did you keep going back? Because of the psychopathic love bond that you felt. It’s also called a trauma bond.
Here’s how this formed:
First, the guy presented himself to be everything you wanted – your “soul mate.” Unfortunately, this was all an act, but you didn’t know it. You were deceived into bonding with him.
Then, the guy did things to create fear and anxiety in you – like lying about his marriages and throwing tantrums when you asked to be alone. Here’s the counterintuitive part: FEAR AND ANXIETY STRENGTHEN THE TRAUMA BOND.
You wanted the relationship to go back to what it was when he was acting like your “soul mate.” So you tried to work things out. Perhaps you apologized for things you didn’t do. He relented, turned on the charm, and you felt better. THIS STRENGTHENS THE BOND AGAIN.
So the bond kept getting tighter and tighter. And that’s why you kept going back.
What you’re feeling now isn’t love. It’s the powerful trauma bond.
Stay away from him. The longer you’re away, the more the bond will unravel.
YES, HE IS A SOCIOPATH MAYBE A PSYCHOPATH!!!
HE IS VERY DANGEROUS!!
YOU ARE BEING EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, VERBALLY ABUSED BY THIS EVIL MAN!
Hi Lila, first I want to send you lots of hugs hon, you have been living in HELL with this evil evil guy. It’s time to end this abusive relationship once and for all.
PLEASE contact your local abuse center ASAP to set up a free counseling session and to talk with a free counselor over the phone. In the USA you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) now to talk with a free counselors and they can give you your local abuse center numbers. Do not hesitate on this..please do not feel embarrassed to call them…they have been where you are now and they can help you.
Ask a trusted friend or family member to go with you to your first scheduled counseling session at your local abuse center if you feel you can’t go by yourself. PLEASE DO THIS ASAP!! This will save you from the hell you are living right now.
Your local abuse center will guide you on how to Exit out of this abusive relationship. If you go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website you can learn more about “EXIT PLAN” out of this relationship and you can also google “Domestic abuse exit plan”, “Dr Phil Exit Plan” & “domestic abuse exit plan you tube” to learn more.
THIS GUY IS DANGEROUS so please get help out of this relationship. And please get a restringing order with the help of your local abuse center. Also go to Home deport or Lowes with a friend and buy a security system that takes batteries and are easy to install the cost is around $100 or call a security system company to have them install a security system in your home. But either way please spend the money on a security system for your safety. DO NOT tell this guy you have installed a security system as he may try to deactivated.
Do not tell this guy that he is a sociopath it may enrage him but ask your friends to come to love fraud and read everything so they also truly understand who he is and how dangerous he is to everyone.
If you go up to the top of Lovefraud under the red tab you will find “Videos” watch each video that Donna has produced they are excellent and will give you more understanding how why/how this guy is manipulating you to control you & keep you in this abusive relationship.
Keep a hidden journal of everything this man has done to you & ask a trusted family member or friend to do the same this can be used in court.
have a friend or family member contact his ex wives they WILL tell the same stories that you are enduring right now…again this will help you to leave him but also it can be used in court to get a restraining order and if he breaks the restraining order then this can be used to put him in jail long term.
Lila, I want you to know the way you are feeling emotionally, mentally & physically is how all victims feel when they are being abused by a sociopath. You feel crazy or feel like you are going crazy but you are NOT crazy he is the crazy one!!
Domestic abusers are mini cult leaders and their victims are cult followers. You are a cult follower to this guy. These evil people use brain washing, mind control, trance, hypnosis, gas lighting abuse, install fear & phobias into their victims mind etc etc. YOU must break free of his mind control. How do you do this? By reaching out to your local abuse center, also finding a outside counselor who deals with domestic abuse please know that not all counselors know about sociopath abuse so you will need to interview them by phone to see if they are truly educated about this type of abuse (the abuse center may have some recommendations).
You can also talk with someone like Donna Anderson here at Lovefraud via phone she charges a small fee but she would be a good person to help you unravel your mind from this guys chaos. Just go up to the top and click on the red tab “contact”
The best advise I can give you is to read everything you can get your hands on about his mental disorder & all the manipulative games he played on you…this will help you to open your mind up from his brain washing & mind control. Every time you feel sad, mad, cry, or feel like you want to call him or see him READ, READ, READ everything here at love fraud & watch the videos to open up your mind that he is EVIL & DANGEROUS and that you need to end this relationship. You can also call the domestic violence hotline 24/7 to talk with a free counselors. Come here and post if you feel like you want to call him or see him…vent everything out of your mind…this helps tremendously and you will get support here too.
If you go up to the top red tab “bookstore” Donna’s books are listed there as well as other recommendations. My counselors gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown which is a must read book also Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan (Donna just posted a book review on this one this week so you can do a search up at the top to read what she wrote)
The most important thing to remember is YOU ARE NOT ALONE anymore…we are here for you 🙂
For your health look into adrenal fatigue…the stress you have been under has caused your adrenal glands to work over time and they end up fatigue this maybe part of your emotional state which can be healed quickly for you to see things clearly again. See
Adrenalfatigue. org, DrLam. com, Mialundin. com for more info
Also do a search on LF & on the net for the following:
1) No Contact Rule (very important step to follow to heal & get this guy out of your life)
2) Gas lighting abuse
Huge Hugs to you!! 🙂
Here is information on the No Contact Rule & why you should follow it. But please contact your local abuse center first before going full no contact because this evil guy has threaten to kill you several times he is very dangers and you need help with an Exit Plan out of this relationship.
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”
Also see the site Psychopathyawareness.wordpress. com it also has a ton of good info for you to read more about sociopath abuse.
Take care 🙂
Jan7!
You rock!
You have always been there.
Reading your post just enforces my commitment to be free from my expath forever.
I no longer feel the need to find out what kind of mood he is in or what HE is doing.
I don’t care. I am done.
Now I am picking up the pieces of me.
I am on a LOA from work and getting help for ME.
Thank you, thank you and thank you.
Lila needs our support now.
She is in danger .
Thank you for reaching out to her in a way I am not able to right now.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Stronginthecity…Right back at ya!!! 🙂 (you rock!!!)
What these evil sociopaths don’t count on is victims joining forces to lift each other up & help each other leave their abusers & heal together! This is the power of women together…strong, courages & can climb any mountain that needs to be conquered!!!
Yes, Lila is in serious danger with this evil sociopath. Praying she reads all of these posts and reaches out for more help to get away from this guy.
Glad you are in that great place of “I don’t care, I am done” with your ex…it feels like when you first leave that you will never get to that place but when you do…ahhh the sun finally shines bright again 🙂
OXOX to you too 🙂
Hi, this can help you understand your addiction to your psychopath:
http://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong
Dear Lila,
Please read Donna and Jan7 advice, read it and read it again.
I read your story earlier this afternoon.
Hugs to you.
Please treat this as the domestic violence it is and is he a sociopath? YES.
Call the domestic violence hotline and read all you can about the bond that is created described by Donna.
It explains why you still feel that you love him.
This is not love. It’s addiction that is created by the sociopath bond.
He is extremely dangerous.
You asked if he called you the other woman’s name to hurt your feelings?
Yes he did.
Please find a therapist immediately.
Keep him away from your teenage daughter.
He is porn addicted and more than likely he has watched teen or child porn.
You and your daughter are in danger.
You stated that all of your friends say he is creepy, that’s because he is.
He hit you in the face after luring you to your lake house, not answering the phone all day and finding him with another woman.
If you are not living with this creature change the locks and go no contact.
Please follow Jan7s advice.
She has been a rock of support for me and many others here.
I’m sorry if my writing style is in your face and maybe does not sound supportive but trust me, I have been there.
Exactly where you are calling Donna on the phone on my lunch break at work and her explaining the bond …I still have the notes in my wallet.
If he has threatened to kill you believe him.
GET AWAY. He is disordered and there is NOTHING you can do to change him.
NOTHING. He is what he is.
He likes who he is.
Consider this, he has HepC..what else does he have?
He is sleeping with multiple women on these “dating sites” Lord only knows what else he has gotten from these women he hooks up with?
Please schedule a gyne appt ASAP and get a STD screen.
Just consider everything he says is a lie, because it is.
I totally understand that you feel like you are in love with him.
This is not love.
Please take the no contact advice seriously.
It’s hard. I know. We know.
We have ALL been there.
Keep posting here.
You did the right thing by letting it out.
Welcome…we are all here for you.
Hugs to you,
Stronginthecity
Jan7,
I really hope Lila is ok and has read the posts.
I am hoping that she is in contact with Donna privately.
I read your story (Lila) again and it’s so terrifying.
I was not physically abused.. well not punched in the face but may as well been.
I am really concerned for Lilas teenage daughter.
The porn addiction and a teenage girl in the house is terrifying to me.
Lila, I hope you are ok.
Lila, please get away from this terrible monster.
I understand that you feel love for him but it’s NOT LOVE.
Please, please get away from him.
It sounds like it took a while for you to post here and you have been doing a lot of reading here.
Please find the strength to get somewhere safe.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Dear Lila,
I just read your story again and somehow skipped over the part where you talked about the sexual abuse with the daughter, raping YOU and the allegations of him raping before.
He broke your ribs and punched you in the face.
I’m sorry to ask this but have you reported him to the police?
I’m assuming you sought medical attention for this?
Please call the domestic violence hotline and make your exit plan.
My heart aches for you and your daughter.
What if he has sexually abused her too?
Please, please just call or do an online chat with the # that jan7 provided.
Do you have a friend or family member to stay with temporarily?
Please let us know you are ok.
You said that you have not contacted him since he punched you in the face…
I am worried that you will see him again.
he will get back with you somehow.
I will keep posting here and hoping you will get a restraining order.
Please, please.
We are here to support you .
XOXO and double hugs to you,
Stronginthecity
PS
He will NOT change..ever.
He is pure evil.
it’s not your fault.
None of us ever knew these people existed.
Can you get your daughters father involved?
Lila,
You are not crazy; you are doing the right thing for yourself in getting away from him. He is harmful to you.
You love him because you are capable of love and you’re a good and loyal person. He isn’t a good person. Your good traits will work very well in a relationship with a good man who appreciates you and deserves your love.
It will take some time and hard work for you to recover from his abuse, and for your feelings for him and about him to change. Staying away from him gives you a chance to recover. As long as you’re still interacting with him, he will continue to harm you, and you can’t recover.
Keep doing a good job taking care of yourself. You know you deserve better.
Thank you so much for responding to my story. I just now noticed that it was published. Thanks for being concerned for my well-being. I am fine. I feel like a deer in the headlights right now. I’m still in shock from what happened last weekend. I still can’t figure out how I am the one who found him with a girl but HE is pissed at ME – making me feel like I’m a crazy bitch with jealousy issues. I can’t get the look on his face as he was screaming at me to get out while he protected the other woman from me. He looked like an evil demon. Nothing but hate in his eyes. I was stunned with betrayal and a million other feelings. HE WAS HIDING A GIRL IN OUR BEDROOM but it was MY fault. He said she was there because of some innocuous reason and that they hid because he said he knew I’d go crazy once I saw she was in there. He said he HAD to protect her from me because I’m crazy and that she got scared when I was out pounding on the doors and windows. I wasn’t pounding or even freaking out. At that point I didn’t know he was with anyone. I was just confused why I was locked out. He was straight lying! He just said I’m crazy so that it looks like I am the maniac while he is just a poor innocent victim. This makes my brain and heart hurt! So so much!
For those concerned with the punch in the face – yes – that hurt and was humiliating – but didn’t hurt ANYTHING like the screaming for me to get out. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
I am embarrassed to admit that I have completely BLOWN the no contact agreement I made with myself. My emotions have been so crazy. Sometimes I want so bad to make him hurt like he has made me hurt. Then I miss him and love him and the thought of being without him makes me panic! I’m a lunatic, I swear! No Contact is so hard! I feel a compulsion to contact him like he’s a drug!
For the first couple of days after the incident I texted him incessantly. Some of them just angry “I hate you for hurting me again” texts and some of them were “how could you do this to me again” texts and some were “I know you are probably with her right now” texts. I wanted him to show me that man who said he loves me! I want him to care that I am devastated and hurt. I want him to comfort me. Be sorry. Something. I need closure! But he ignored every one of the texts, making me feel more alone, betrayed and isolated. I feel weak, pathetic and desperate with each ignored text, and I feel even worse.
Then when I was finally starting to calm down resolved to really stick to the no contact, he text me out of the saying he loved me with his whole heart and wanted to hold me. He then asked if he could come up and spend the night with me. After days of imploring him to care that I’m hurt, he wants that! I know he just wanted sex. I’m not stupid. Plus, best friend lives in the apartment next door and she would KILL me if she knew I was texting him and she would call the cops if he showed up here, so I made some excuse and said no I had plans. Since I said no to that, he has disappeared again. Swoops in with an I love you then gone again!! I’m so ashamed to admit this but even after all he has done, I really DID want him to come spend the night. Ugh!! I’m just so desperate to understand what just happened and he is the only one who can give me answers or closure. I hate him so much but love him so much.
I so want his words and actions to match. I want him to be sorry – but he still won’t even acknowledge doing anything wrong, let alone apologize. I feel the overwhelming need to make sense of this.
It’s always the same. He does something TERRIBLE to hurt me, then triples the pain by denying it or making light of it or blaming me. When he denies so much, I start to question if I’m going mad or if I really am the crazy bitch he says I am. Any time I bring up something he’s done to hurt me, he responds with anger and accuses me of doing something I absolutely didn’t do – so instead of discussing what he did to hurt me, I’m left defending myself from something I didn’t do and the issue is swept under the rug with all the others.
If he doesn’t get angry, he responds in a way that is hard to describe. He is vague, says things that don’t add up and talks in circles, leaving my frustrated and still with no answers. It’s so exhausting.
My daughter is safe and has not been touched by him. She is 22, and way more strong-minded than her mother. She hates him, and is outwardly hostile to him so he doesn’t even try to communicate with her too much. Although she said he’s leered at her. I NEVER let him alone with my daughter or my granddaughter. I don’t trust him. I protect them, but can’t seem to protect myself. My daughter moved out of my apt. for awhile most because of her hatred for him, but is going to move back if he stays away. I’m happy about that. I pick my daughter over him any day. I have to keep him away. If he DID do something to either of those girls – well I don’t even want to think about that!
I’m not suicidal at all, but yesterday I was fantasizing driving my car into the river and how peaceful it would be as it slowly sunk into the dark water. I have a grandbaby and lots to live for so I wouldn’t do it, but that’s where my mind has been going! It’s scary!
I like the idea someone suggested of letting my parent side guide my child side. My inner child side is impulsive and overly emotional. I’ll try that. Thanks.
I’ll also forgive myself for contacting him, accept that I’ll never get closure and this cycle of hell I’ve been in will continue and get worse if I don’t do something.
I’ve been scared of him lots of times. I know I should get a restraining order. I have no excuse not to. I did take pictures of my bruised face, fat lip and bruised arms. Thank God we aren’t married (although he asked me over and over even though he was still legally married to someone else) nor do we have kids. I have a pool table at his lake house which I’ll probably never get back and I’m at peace with letting it go in exchange for my sanity.
I will contact the domestic abuse resources suggested.
I need some strength! This is too much!!!
Again I apologize for rambling but it felt good to get some of that out. Thanks again to those who have posted. It feels incredible to know that I’m not the only one in this crazy, insane crippling situation. Thank you thank you thank you. No one else gets it, and that’s a lonely feeling not to be understood.
Lila
Lila,
No apology needed, you’re doing a great job of explaining what you’re going through, and that is one of the things LF is for. Everyone here understands the extreme emotional pain and frustration you’re feeling. We understand your struggle with NC, and the anguish at not having closure.
Your feelings are normal and natural. The pain you’re feeling is a normal response to having been victimized by a very evil man who’s motivation does not include your well being. Most abusers enjoy the power and control they feel at harming another person.
It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You understand what he is and you know that he is harmful to you. Knowing doesn’t make your pain go away, but knowing that you need to stop having any contact with him and doing your best to avoid him will lead to your best and fastest recovery.
If you maintain NC, and if he doesn’t cause you trouble in any way, an RO may not be necessary. If you decide to report his physical violence to the police, an RO might help. A Domestic Violence counselor can give the best advice whether to report the physical battering and whether to get an RO.
I hope you got some sleep last night. You will feel better.
Hi Lila,
So good to hear from you and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Unfortunately, your story is something that all of understand.
We always think that we are talking about the same person because the pattern are all the same.
I am glad to hear that you and your daughter are safe.
I’m also glad to hear that she is smart enough to recognize he is disordered. My daughter and I have been on the out’s for awhile due my spath. She can not stand him. She is a bit older and married.
Ok, back to you.
Let’s talk about the lake house incident.
He did this on purpose to hurt you.
He left you money, for gas I’m assuming to come up there.
You were not going to go but I’m sure he had planned this and as sick and twisted as this sounds it’s what they do.
He knew you would come.
You are not crazy, he is.
He planned this to hurt you.I know it’s hard to believe but you have to believe this.
His story about her being there in your bedroom is just absurd.
You know he was lying and what you described with the text messages is straight out of all of our phones.
Same back and forth with you messaging him, he ignores you to punish you and you want answers.
You won’t get them.
Him responding that he wants to see you, yes for sex because he knows that this strengthens the bond.
He only cares about his sick evil game and no matter what you do he will NEVER give you answers.
He will continue to twist your words and make you feel like it’s your fault.
The idea that he had to “protect” this girl from your is ridiculous.
Again you are not crazy, he is.
I am glad to hear that you have a neighbor that is looking out for you. Take this and let this person help you.
You are lucky to have them.
I am sorry to say that he will never comfort you or tell you he is sorry. He may say the words but they mean nothing.
He is not sorry because in his sick twisted mind he loves what he does and it’s who he is.
Please don’t apologize for expressing your emotions.
You did nothing wrong.
I know you wanted to have him come and spend the night because you want to have your fix and pretend that all is right.
When you said no he disappeared. That’s what they do.
When you text or call him it’s attention. he knows you are hurt and thinking about him.
Please reach out to the Domestic violence hotline and vow to give yourself some peace right now.
Take care of you and don’t worry about what he is doing.
I know this is easier said than done.
You reached out here and so glad you did.
One thing I can share with you that I wish I had done sooner was to get myself into therapy.
It sounds like you have a good support system with your best friend and your daughter.
Keep posting here and let it all out.
There is not anyone here who does not understand what you are going through.
These disordered people are very good at what they do. They have been practicing all of their lives.
Nobody will judge you here.
Hugs to you, Lila.
Please keep yourself safe.
Stronginthecity
Lila,
Your story is horrifying and you definitely aren’t the crazy one! I know everyone here can relate to everything you’re saying, and you shouldn’t feel “stupid” because you love this terrible person. I am going through that same feeling. My ex was amazing in every possible way for the first part of the relationship, and I kept wishing and begging for that man to show up again. He never will because he didn’t really exist. It was all a lie and a part of the scam to get what he wanted, which was control and a deep enough hold that his terrible behaviors would cause the most destruction.
You’re never going to understand why he did this to you. I have been trying that myself, but it’s not going to happen. He can’t care because he has no conscience, so the truth is when he sees you’re hurting because of him, he’s getting pleasure from it. There’s no way of dealing with that, because you feel actual love for him, and the reality that he wants you to be hurt because you love him is as sick as a person can get!! The best that can happen is that you’ll come to a realization that you can’t comprehend how he can be that way… and be very happy that you can’t because if you could understand it, you would have to be like him! Only evil can truly comprehend evil, in my opinion. I’m glad I can’t relate to my ex and the joy he gets when he causes pain. It doesn’t stop my pain, but it gives me some peace to know that it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I did that caused it or could have changed it.
I wish you peace with this whole nightmare. You have support here and with your family. I am only one day into NC so I’m in the same boat as you. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary to heal.
Hugs to you!!