Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Lila” she posts as “gruuvygirl.”
Like many of the women I see on this site, I stumbled here while searching for answers as to why my four-year relationship is so incredibly painful and why I keep going back for more pain and heartache. I feel like I have lost my mind.
At the beginning, our relationship was awesome. I was soooo happy because I thought I had finally found “the one” — my soul mate! He was handsome, drove a Harley, liked to do the same things I do, he was friendly and everyone liked him (I thought), he had a house on the lake and a job, but mostly he seemed to adore me.
But even at the beginning there were red flags. I just chose to ignore them, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Actually he lied to me the very first day I met him. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.
I met him at a bike rally and after spending the day together, he asked if I wanted to ride his bike back to his house. I was unfamiliar with the area and asked how far it was to his house. He told me 20 minutes. On the bike 20 minutes passed, then 25, then 30, then 35, then 40. Forty-five minutes later we arrived. I was terrified — thinking that he was taking me somewhere to murder me! I just laughed it off.
He showed up and never left
The day after I met him, he showed up at my place, and pretty much never left. It was awkward and it felt uncomfortable, but I was taken with him so I ignored my uneasy feeling.
He was with me constantly. He missed work so he could hang with me. He was always under foot. He showered me with compliments and told me he loved me after just four days another red flag I ignored.
He said “I love you” dozens and dozens of times a day — so much so that it was annoying. It was like the words were meaningless and coming from a robot. But at first, it was exhilarating that he was so crazy about me. Well, I soon found out that he was just crazy!
Married four times
It didn’t take long for me to notice something was not right with him. He told me he’d been married twice. I found out it was four times (at least) and that he was STILL married to the last one! He didn’t volunteer this information, I found out on the computer.
When I mentioned the lies, he blew it off like it was nothing, making me feel like I was prying where I didn’t belong. What??
He was always talking about big plans for the future — a business he was going to start — and he wanted me to be a part of it. It was exciting. After four years, he’s done nothing towards making this happen.
I’ve come to realize that he is all talk, no action. He couldn’t start a business when he couldn’t let me out of his sight for 10 minutes. He suffocated me — and when I explained that me-time was important to me, and something I needed in the relationship, he acted hurt and got mad and totally disregarded this need.
Every time I needed space or time alone, he threw a temper tantrum or pouted. But I slowly got used to it.
Wanted sex
He did nice things for me a lot but mentioned what he did over and over — milking praise and adoration from me for even the smallest little things — like taking out the trash. It became clear though that every thing he did for me was not to be nice. Everything had a string attached.
Usually it was that he wanted sex. He wanted sex at least once a day. Sex was incredible! I loved it. But I had no choice whether or not I wanted to — I had to every night or he would make me miserable with his tantrums and pouting.
He told me AFTER we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C!! I was shocked.
But again, I let that slide too as if it were nothing.
Raped me
Not too long after we started dating, he raped me the first time. Like I said, I was not allowed to say no to sex. Afterwards, when I was upset and crying and accused him of raping me, he told me I wanted it. OMG! I said no and fought him off ”˜til I was tired! But I wanted it?
He raped me two times again after that — several months later — once when I had a house full of family over for Thanksgiving! But I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I started to loathe sex with him after awhile, because it seemed that was all he cared about.
He was obsessed with porn and would watch it on my laptop even after I expressly asked him not to. We’d fight about it, he’d promise not to do it again, and a day or two later, I’d here the moans and screams of some chick on the porn he was watching. He’d lie and say it accidentally came on.
Lie and deny
He lied so much it hurt my head. I couldn’t argue with him, because he denied denied denied everything wrong he ever did.
He would watch porn on his smart phone out in the living room with my teenage daughter in the house. He eventually ruined my laptop by getting a virus from one of the skanky sites he was on!
Another night I got up in the middle of the night and he is watching it in the living room — again with my daughter in the house! But he always convinced me that I was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything, and I was just a bitch!
Everyone but me started to hate him. Every girl in my family said he gave them the creeps with his dead cold eyes. It took me years before I finally saw what they were talking about.
Ripped off everyone
He worked construction but worked sporadically, dragging jobs out forever and pissing off his clients. He ripped off almost everyone he worked for. No one called him back for second jobs.
He stole money from me, I caught him with my DVDs in his suitcase, plus he stole other things from me too. But he denied it all or had a stupid excuse every time I would bust him.
He NEVER did anything wrong. It was all me being a bitch!
Two different times I was told that he was hitting on girls when I wasn’t around. When I confronted him of course he denied it — saying he only had eyes for me! Blah Blah Blah. I never really bought his bull crap — and it was starting to stack up!!
He lies all the time. He tells big stories about people he knows and the respect he gets from cops and judges and that he can pull strings for people because of the power he has. It’s all bull!!!
He gets what he wants from me by bullying or manipulating me. It’s exhausting! His words are cheap. His actions speak volumes.
Talked bad about me
He has talked bad about me to my kids and my friends — I guess trying to get them to think he was Mr. Cool Guy and I was the crazy one or the bitchy one.
He always tried to turn people away from me and to him — but always behind my back. He was SNEAKY and it hurt that about every 3 months I’d find that he betrayed me and broke my heart.
One day while looking for a picture he’d taken on his phone, I discovered that he had memberships in about 5-6 sex hook-up sites. I was so heartbroken that it physically hurt! Even with the printed out pages of his profiles as proof, he denied it!
Had a stroke
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and I never left his side, nursing him back to health, even though he talked to me like dirt and was demanding and rude.
How did he repay me? After he was back on his feet, I discovered “Kim Babe” saved in his phone.
So I called Kim Babe and got the shock of my life. He’d been having an affair with her for five months and even had her moved into our lake house! She didn’t know about me either. It was a shock to her too.
He used her for money, clothes and sex. He denied it too, even after I talked to her and got the whole story! She told me that he told her he loved her within the first week too!!!
Called me her name
I was so hurt. But after brief separation, I took him back. Stupid Stupid Stupid! In the first couple of months after reuniting, he actually called me by her name, not once but FOUR times!
Once while having sex and once while saying I love you.
How do you do that four times? It was like he did it on purpose to hurt me! I’ve found him on sex hook up sites twice since the cheating too! His sex addiction is disgusting!
Wants all my attention
He insists on having all of my attention and gets pissed when I spend time with friends or family.
My first grandbaby was born September 2013 and I babysit her every day. He is even jealous of the baby! If he isn’t getting the attention he thinks he deserves, he starts a huge fight and ruins family trips and outings all the time!
No matter what I do it isn’t enough. He has no interests except me and what I’m doing! He has no friends. Even his own mom told me to break up with him because he’s evil!
Going to explode
All of this is sandwiched between doting attention and “I love you” constantly. It’s got me feeling like I am going to explode!
No one wants me to be with him, and family and friends are getting so sick of me getting back together with him. I don’t blame them!
They are sick of hearing all the horrible things he does, only to see me run right back to it. I have no clue why I go back to him!
Fear of being alone probably. I’m a former high school teacher, nice looking and fun, but I have no self esteem and fear dying a lonely old lady.
Violence
In November we got into a huge fight and he dislocated two of my ribs, making it where I could barely move or breathe for two months. I didn’t hide what happened from my family and they now HATE him.
When watching TV, if there is fighting going on — he laughs — like most people laugh watching comedies! It’s creepy!
He has four or five kids but isn’t in any of their lives. He’s always too busy chasing women.
He has three grandkids and I know in the four years we’ve dated, he’s never seen them!
He has no friends. His family hates him. His oldest daughter told me once that they believe he molested her when she was a baby. She also said he had raped before!
I brushed it off as the ex-wife’s baseless accusations, but now I don’t know!
He’s a former biker gang member and I’ve heard some pretty scary stories of violent things he’s done in the past. He dismisses it as the past is the past and that was back when I was drinking.
Since the cheating
We’ve been rocky since the cheating. I hung in there, but I never treated him warmly like I did before he cheated. We fight, he disappears for days and doesn’t answer his phone and gives me the cold shoulder. I figure he is with someone else during that time, because he doesn’t like to be alone.
Then he comes back, swearing he was just working and making money for “us” although I never see any of the money.
Ugh! It’s a vicious, terrible, soul-sucking cycle!
Last straw
Last weekend was finally the last straw.
He came by and left me 40 bucks so I could drive down to our lake house. I told him I probably wouldn’t go, but I decided to go ahead and go.
I called him all day to let him know I was on the way, but he never answered.
I got down there and pulled in the driveway and he poked his head out the door, saw it was me, and shut and locked the door. I knocked and knocked. I started to wonder if I had hallucinated, seeing him look out the door.
Finally, I gave the door a good kick and it opened. He came storming out of the upstairs bedroom screaming about me kicking the door and telling me to, “Get the F*&^ out.”
I said, “Who is in the bedroom?”
He said no one, but kept standing in front of the door so I couldn’t go in.
I was crying and screaming — feeling like I was in a nightmare, scared to death to see what I already knew was in our bedroom.
He pushed me to the floor and pinned me down so she could get past me and out of the house.
My heart was broken and I was mad! I was screaming and yelling and he punched me right in the face.
I left and haven’t talked to him since.
He loves me
He’s been texting me that he loves me.
Really?? You lock me out of the house after I drove 2.5 hours to spend the weekend with you, because you are with a girl, and you love me??
He said he had just given her a ride for some friends, blah blah blah, more lies.
He did say he was sorry at the end.
I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me”. Oh my God!!
Unbelievably — after catching him red-handed with a girl, he wasn’t sorry, he only raged at me and blamed ME — saying my jealousy was the problem.
What girl wouldn’t be mad in that situation? Am I crazy??
Blames me
He blames me so much for everything that I start to believe it!
He never apologizes, and if he does, it’s insincere. He never shows remorse or concern when I’m hurt and crying.
We get along great if it is just he and I and no one else — and we are doing what he wants. But I’m not going to be his slave!
I’ve never cheated on him, but he accuses me of it all the time! It feels awful!
He never apologizes or even acknowledges doing anything wrong! It’s so frustrating!
He respects no boundaries. He even read my journal! Not only did he read it, but wrote rude things in the margins! Who does that???? I’m dumbfounded!
Dead in a ditch
This last fight he told me my family was going to find me dead in a ditch, and I kinda believe him! He always threatens to beat me up and even kill me, but later makes light of it saying he was “just mad.”
I don’t want him near me or my granddaughter. But I still love the stupid jerk! What is wrong with me??
Does he sound like a sociopath to you? He meets every one of the critieria on the list except the intense staring. I don’t think he does that.
I’ve been reading stories on this site for a long time, so I know about the no contact rule. It’s so hard but I’m really trying to do it this time.
I’m sorry this is so rambling. I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile now. It’s hard to get all the chaos to flow into a smooth story.
Help!!
Reader spots Red Flags of Love Fraud in a woman he meets on a dating site
Lila, we all understand exactly how you feel. At least I hope I am speaking for everyone, though I can at least speak for myself. What broke the bond for me (besides the sanity of just staying away) was to access the deep rage over the betrayal and disrespect for my feelings. It’s easy to gloss over those things when the spath is very charming and convincing. They “agree” or “disagree” with your feelings, and somehow they convince you to believe what they say. After all, they have a whole thought system based on justifying winning the argument. They must win at all costs, even at the cost of your life! It’s easier to just agree that your feelings are invalid than to face the fact that the person you are sleeping with – giving your heart, soul, and body to – doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Doesn’t care about YOU at all. Invalidates YOU as a person – as a being. The rage and isolation of seeing this can be overwhelming. It’s easier to live in the fog. To keep going back for those times when he seems to “love” you and dote his attention on you. You rationalize and justify the bad times when he is mistreating you. We all know that feeling. It takes courage and ultimately being true to your core self to get out once and for all. And believing yourself and your gut instincts. Not buying into when he calls you a bitch or calls you crazy. Remember, HE is the one with no empathy.
Lila, I will give an example from my recent dating life of how this happened to me. I was recently upset with my new bf about something he did that was inconsiderate of my feelings. He was very nonchalant about it, blaming me for “sabotaging” the relationship. I felt even more anger about that accusation, but he was very convincing. I thought maybe I was in fact overreacting. Later that night he got angry with me because I did not willingly give up my seat at a concert to two girls who showed up late and tried to pilfer my spot. He said I should “be the bigger person.” He called me “cruel” and “heartless”, which hurt very much. He cared more about these girls than about me. This hurt me, but he fought and argued his point with me. Eventually, he broke up with me because I did not “agree” with him, which was fine with me. I was ready to move on. I didn’t want to be with a man who would value the feelings of a stranger over mine. It didn’t end there. After he tore me down, he realized his mistake and called me wanting to get back together. But his big mistake in doing this was in calling me at 2:30 IN THE MORNING when he knew I’d be sleeping, on a work night! The phone ringing woke me up, and I was up for 3 hours. Then I dragged at work the next day. I was very angry about it. When I spoke to him, I told him that. His response was, “WELL IF YOU WERE UP, WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME BACK?” His logic totally dumbfounded me. I had a moment of confusion, wondering why I didn’t call him back. Was he right? (See, I believe it is in this moment of confusion that we just accept their logic instead of standing up for ourselves). I finally came to my senses and realized how selfish he was to disturb my sleep when I’d mentioned to him several times in the past that I don’t like to get calls after 10 pm. And that he didn’t care when I told him he had disturbed my sleep. When I started getting his emails the next day about how much he missed me, I finally was able to just ignore them, instead of caving. This all happened in a period of a few months. I don’t think he is a sociopath, just emotionally immature and low on the empathy scale. But he is so charming and adorable, and he does such nice things for me sometimes that I kept overlooking his selfishness. Finally, I got in touch with the ultimate rage I feel over being completely invalidated repeatedly. That is what fueled me to finally walk away. I had to find my inner bitch – that person who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. I had to ask myself if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man with no empathy, even if he was kind in other ways. OH HAIL NO.
This guy doesn’t sound charming and adorable; he sounds like a rude bully. Consider if his doing nice things is about manipulating you rather than being nice. If he felt like being nice sometimes, he would always be nice. Otherwise it’s not being nice, it’s something else – probably manipulation.
He has a right to disagree with your decision to keep your seat, but he does not have a right to try to control you nor insult you. He may choose not to go on another date nor enter into a committed relationship with someone he doesn’t see eye to eye with, but control and insulting is out of line.
Good for you for walking away. Three incidences of bad behavior (lying, bullying, insulting, etc.) is a pattern of behavior that shows how someone thinks.
Lila (gruuvygirl), I have been thinking about you so I am so happy that you posted an update. This evil sociopath you are dealing with is on the high end of the sociopath spectrum.
When I first read your very clear & articulate post my heart was racing with fear that your life is in serious danger. Because of this I was typing so fast to get information to you that I missed the fact that I did not address the physical abuse you were enduring nor the fact that you were raped by this evil man. So for that I am truly sorry. I am at a loss in words with regards to your rape…no woman should ever have to endure this horrific evilness especially from someone that says they love you. I just can not imagine the fear, pain and aftermath that you endured during this time. I just want you to know I HEAR YOU…I want you to also know that WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU…THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE.
Every sociopath uses gas lighting abuse on their victicms to mentally control them & to also push their victims over their emotional edge. This is one of the things that you start to question your sanity because what you see in his behavior is the opposite of his words & he is spinning your head to confuse you to get you to look away from his abuse & from his crazy behavior but most importantly these evil people do it to control their victims minds & to have power over their victims so that they do not leave their abuser. I believe that you are being gas lighted like most if not all victims of a sociopath.
This is information from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA) for you to read…you can also go to their site and do a search to read the article but most importantly to read the comments of other victims who endured this form of psychological abuse (emotional & mental abuse).
oops I will post it below cut/past did not work…see below 🙂
what is gas lighting abuse?
“You’re crazy ”“ that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Does your partner repeatedly say things like this to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”
This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:
Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
(Source)
Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person ”“ more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
If any of these signs ring true for you, give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us online from 7am-2am CT. Our advocates are here to support and listen to you.
Here is another article on gas lighting abuse:
10 Signs Your Man Is ‘Gaslighting’ You to Make You Seem Crazy
Gas lighting abuse:
man arguing with woman, gaslighting Have you ever felt like you were going crazy? And not because anyone has 5150’d you. But because someone — maybe it’s your husband — keeps telling you you’re crazy. “Are you crazy?” you hear over and over. “You are really paranoid. You need to get your head checked!” Hear that enough times and you probably believe it. But are you really crazy or are you being gaslighted?
“Gaslighted” is an psychiatric term that came from a classic movie starring Ingrid Bergman called Gaslight (which was a British play before that). In it, her husband tries to drive her mad. (Netflix it.) But it turns out she’s not crazy after all — her husband is just trying to make her think she is. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse wherein your partner manipulates your perception of reality. Here’s 10 signs you’re being gaslighted.
More from The Stir: 15 Things Women Do That Make Men Call Them ‘Crazy’
1. You’re told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don’t think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, “Every wife would do this. We’re a team. I’m in trouble and I need you. I can’t believe you don’t think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!”
2. You’re told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don’t know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, “Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I’d be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist.”
3. You start to exhibit “crazy” behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn’t imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find “evidence” that he’s lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don’t “disappoint” him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they’re out of Classico.
4. You mistrust your perceptions. You’re constantly being told that what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling isn’t what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren’t funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you’ve gained weight. You’ve always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.
5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don’t seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. “Was I being flirtacious?” you ask yourself, even though that wasn’t your intention at all. “I must have been and don’t realize it.” You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. “Am I harping?” you think. “Maybe I am a nag.”
6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, “I never said that, did that, promised that,” to things you’re pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he “never” gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, “I didn’t say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it.” Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.
7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, “We never talked about that,” “I definitely never said that,” or “Did you dream this?” You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.
8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you’ll know you’ll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don’t lie to other people.
9. You begin to think you’re crazy. You have thoughts like, “Maybe he’s right and I’m just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting,” or “There must be something wrong with me that I’m always on him about stupid things.”
10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.
Every couple has miscommunications, and everyone hears or sees things sometimes that they misconstrue, but if you are frequently experiencing the above symptoms, you are likely being gaslighted.
Do you ever feel like this?
If you think you are being gaslighted, you can get help at the National Domestic Violence Help Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Please know that it is very common for a woman to go back to her abuser on average 6 to 9 times. But I believe that once you learn & educate yourself on sociopathic abuse & how a sociopath manipulates & abuses mentally that this number dramatically is reduced. And you will get to a point you will never want to see him again ever because of your education & the fact that your mind is opening up to his evilness. It’s OK that you broke the no contact rule…the good news is you are educated on this very important life saving rule and that you can start day 1 today 🙂
But with that said it is also important to reduce that number to zero in your case because this evil sociopaths has threatened your life countless times…and has physically assaulted you too. You MUST take his threats extremely serious!! This is why it is so important to reach out for more help at your local abuse center. I did this too.
I sat in my park car in their parking lot crying & thinking to myself how the heck did I get to this point when I saw exactly who he was the first second I met him. I was embarrassed to go into the building of the abuse center.
I met with a abuse center counselor who invited me back to a free women group meeting. I went and it was absolutely eye opening each and everyone of the women told their story and I knew that they not only understood the hell that I went through but also that I was no longer alone in my emotional pain. At that meeting I could not tell my story because I would have broke down sobbing…so I just sat there an listened to all of the other women story…later down the road I shared my story. It helped me to open up because like your abuser my ex h isolated me and manipulated me so that I did not talk to anyone about the abuse I was enduring.
Please also know that the Restraining Order is not only to keep your abuser from contact you but it is also used for you to keep the No Contact Rule in place because once a judge grants the restraining order both parties are not to contact each other. This will give you the time to clear your mind from all the brain fog & settle your high levels of cortisol & adrenaline that your body is producing because of all the stress your abuser is creating. A restraining order is a good thing additionally because it starts a chain of documentation that your ex is a abuser.
Your local abuse center can guide you on restraining orders further.
Wishing you all the best! Take care 🙂
Jan7
Thank you for these posts that got specific about gaslighting, and how it’s subtle and suggestive rather than clearly overt. Gaslighting is the movie but the reality is much more insidious, more nuanced, and incredibly effective. We use the term but I think it’s important to give examples of how it’s used on us, beyond the movie version.
Someone mentioned gaslighting and I remember thinking that the lights were fine, and I wasn’t missing my car keys, so gaslighting wasn’t happening… but it was. I am ashamed to say because I had always been my-word-is-my-bond kind of person, but I did start lying, mostly by exaggerating. I just knew no one would believe anything I said and I felt so bereft. I couldn’t understand what I was doing different that no one, and I mean NO ONE, believed me. Eventually I rarely said anything, I could FEEL people starring at me, it felt hostile, but I didn’t know why. If I tried to be friendly, they’d turn away.
I couldn’t figure out how I changed from being a person that physicians in my field of expertise would fight over to get on their team into this pathetic stupid dumb blob that had a kick me sign pasted all over her.
And I felt like I deserved it. Afterall, I had compromised my own honor and integrity. I’d started screeching and pleading and sobbing… who would give such a creature the benefit of a doubt?
That’s why I also want people to know, WHO you are will come back. Wiser, more cautious maybe, but the essence of YOU is still inside, and when the crazy making SITUATION goes away, the wonderful YOU comes back. I used to think I lost “me” forever. But that’s the “valley of the shadow of death”… when you get to the end of the tunnel and the light reaches you again, you know…You’re still YOU.
Notwhathesaidofme, your welcome. I think gas lighting abuse is one of the most destructive forms of abuse a sociopath uses. So sad that so many victims endure this psychological manipulation without full knowing or understanding until the are hooked into the abusers web of evil deception.
I was the same way…so confused that I was once a very independent strong woman who became dependent on my ex h. Makes me so mad. I saw who he was the min I met him but got sucked into his con game like everyone does.
So sorry that you too went through hell. NO you DID NOT deserve his abuse!!! Yes we do slowly start moving back to our old selfs once you expose the No Contact rule. Good points for Lila to read!
Hugs to you 🙂
Here I am again, 2am. Not the best time to post but I’ve been sleeping for hours so hopefully I won’t rant too much.
I think it’s time I faced the truth.
I turned into a liar because I am a COWARD. Everytime things came to a head,EVERY TIME, I backed off.
Instead of going ahead and saying what I thought, sometimes I pretended I didn’t hear.
Like the time that disgusting old man told me that he was sent to take over the tractor I was on, I pretended to not hear him, and said, thank you for the “offer” but I gotta go. I KNEW it wasn’t an offer, it was an order. And my hearing is exceptional, so even with the roaring engine of the tractor, I heard him clearly tell me I was being TOLD to get off the tractor. THE TRUTH: I was PISSED. It was OUR field, my husbands and mine, and that I was expected to take orders from ANYONE totally PISSED ME OFF. But instead of confronting my FIL for sending that digusting freeloader to TELL me to get off the tractor, I was a COWARD, and retreated into saying “whoops, I’m just a dumb girl who misunderstood and thought I was being offered a break”.
I knew if I submitted to the orders given me, that I was being “put in my place, acknowledging the pecking order”. And COWARD that I am, I knew that was the end of my marriage. I didn’t want to end my marriage. I didn’t want to face that my husband LIED To me about what our life was going to me. I didn’t want to face that the dream that I was handed was a LIE. I didn’t want to face that I really was a worthless, unwanted, undesired wife.
My ex was having his dad end our marriage, and in order to avoid the conclusion, I just played DUMB.
What I failed to realize, at that time, was that by entering into lala land of Unreality – which is what happens when a person starts manipulating back and lying to the liars – I was choosing an Alice in Wonderland goggledeegook life. A world that my ex and his family were VERY good at, and I was trying to get what I wanted… which they were NEVER Going let me have ANYTHING.
No picket fence for me! They wanted my kid, my personal financial estate, and they wanted to shred my reputation so that people would agree they were entitled to strip me of my world and leave me homeless and completely abandoned.
The bottom line is: There is NO middle ground. My ex married me, and he didn’t want me. He knew that the day we married, and even though I asked the question directly and he said I was what he wanted… that was a lie. Why did he marry me? I think he thought I had money. But that didn’t make sense b/c I told him I had split it and gave it away (my pedo father left me his estate, but I didn’t want a pedo’s money so yeah, I did give it away. At the time, I had a reallllly good income so giving away a pedo’s money felt GOOD to me.) I guess he thought I was lying about giving away the money, maybe because my ex was all about getting people to leave their estates to him. I don’t know. Just guessing. But my ex, very handsome, very charming, with a stable of women who wanted him, could have picked anyone to control and abuse.
SO why marry me? The only other answer is my beautiful daughter. I was the child of a pedo so yes, I was vigilant that he wasn’t after my daughter. I felt enormous guilt for not marrying her birth father, and when I married my ex, I thought she would be “our” daughter, and we’d have more kids for our farm family. Only it became evident very soon after marriage that my ex HATED the farm. And his mom didn’t want him to make any grandkids from me so that was the end of the picket fence dream.
See. I deserved what eventually occurred because I was trying to avoid reality:
That there was no picket fence.
That no one loved me.
That nothing I did had any value.
And that my daughter was better off without me (her words).
Lesson learned? NEVER try to play the game, the game of trying to matter. Because if you have to play and pretend in order for them to care, they NEVER WILL and you will have sold your soul to the devil.
I am SO happy to be free of those people, esp my ex who is so repulsive to me now because I see him for what he is instead of what he told me he was.
And my life makes sense now. No one is striping me of my dignity, or ridiculing me.
The friends I have now actually care about me. If they don’t hear from me, they call! When I am with them, I don’t have to guard my thoughts or my joy. They aren’t interested in using my childhood to shame me. Do I discuss my pedo father? NO, I don’t. And they don’t force me to.
Because I stayed with my ex, I never had the opportunities in life to build a career and fund a retirement. Those years were lost trying to gain a life that I was never going to earn with him. So here I am, old and ugly, but my friends think me smart and intelligent and fun. So I accept…I don’t have the financial success that I would have if I hadn’t married my ex… but I do have the emotional and spiritual support of wonderful people whom I cherish and will watch out for their well being the rest of my life.
THAT is what was at the end of that long dark valley for me. THANK YOU GOD.
And as I told my ex, I don’t believe in revenge. He will do it for me, just by being himself. I escaped and am VASTLY better off. He can’t escape himself. He’s STUCK with himself! And anyone who is ever with him will suffer far more than what they did to me because to be with him is to sell your soul. And that’s the trutthththththhth.
Not,
Sounds like you are doing some major processing of your experiences and emotions. Sounds like your thinking is changing; that you’re seeing clearly and thinking what is true, getting out from under the gas lighting. I am guessing that you’re feeling better and stronger, and ready to make changes in your life that you want to make.
I relate to compromising one’s values under the influence of a spath. I also felt desperate to make the fake ‘marriage’ work, and said and did things that compromised my values. I asked God’s forgiveness, apologized to my family and good friends, and I eventually forgave myself. I learned from it.
My ex did not want me, nor my son, as wife and stepson, as family. We were a cover for his lack of heterosexuality (cross dresser & child porn), because he thought having a wife would help him attain status and positions he thinks are important in our church; to prove that his failure at his first marriage and his failure with his first step son, are not his fault; and to leach off the measure of financial security I have.
I married him because I loved who he said/lied he was, and because he presented himself as being good for my son. He is a pervert and an abuser.
I doubt you deserved what you suffered because you compromised. That may be a valuable lesson for you that will lead to a stronger character, but even if you’d been perfect in all things, your ex would still have done the evil that harmed you.
I don’t know your daughter’s age, but she may come around given time. Saying she’s better off without you is pretty typical of a teen or young adult even with the best parenting. Even if you haven’t been a perfect parent, no one loves a child like a mom does, and you probably did a lot of good things for her, and benefited her in the big picture.
Hi Jan7,
Thank you for posting these articles! Very informative, and so true about gas lighting. My ex is a pro at gas lighting. His favorite thing to say to me was that I was crazy and it was all based on my insecurities (which he knew about because we had been so open with each other about our feelings at the beginning). So he took that grain of truth about me (the insecurities) and used it to do me great harm, all for his entertainment and to get away with everything he did. Very twisted and evil.
Gaslit073168, Your welcome. My ex h was also masterful at this crazy making behavior it pushed me over my edge. If the world only knew who walk among us they would be shocked.
Congrats on Day 1 of the No Contact Rule 🙂 !!! This is the best gift you will ever give to yourself!!
(It’s clear by your name that you understand gas lighting abuse…so sorry that you endured your ex’s hell)
It’s typical of spaths to pretend to be open with their feelings early in a relationship and use other tactics to get their victim to reveal a lot. They use what they know against us, not to protect us.
Hi Lila,
I read your article, but not all the comments, so sorry if there is some repetition. I struggled with my feelings of love for a man I was married to for 25 years long after it was over. Part of it had to do with him not leaving me alone. I was part of his nacissitic supply and it took a long time for him to let me go. Even to this day I have feelings of love, though my abuse was psychological, and have to remind myself not to listen to anything he says but what his actions have been. Because they contradict each other, his words and his actions. I worked through it with the help of a support group, for awhile, and then by writing down conversations that we will never have. (Never for him to see) He will never give me closure, I know this for sure.
I wish you the best and hope you are able to come to some peace.
I am worried that we have not heard back from Lila..
I am praying she is safe.
SITC
I’m so tired; (‘m emotionally depleted. I broke NC and have been humiliated and abandoned again. I read all the advice but talk myself into thinking it’s me.
I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been beat up. I spent a lot of time with my grandbaby the last few days but still obsess about him. He stabs a dagger in my heart and runs away again. On top of that, I have symptoms of some STD – unless it’s in my head, but I don’t think so. I don’t know what is real any more. I just want to go to sleep.
I hope you got some rest and that you feel better this morning.
Your feelings are normal and natural reactions to being abused. You have been emotionally beat up and the pain is real.
Maybe it’s a good time to get a physical exam to take care of your physical health.
Feeling like you don’t know what’s real is probably the result of his abuse and gaslighting you. It is a symptom of PTSD. You will feel better the longer you have NC with him.
Always remember that if a man makes you feel bad, he’s a bad man, he’s not good for you, and the right thing to do is to stay away from him and keep him away from you. It’s really that simple, and anything else he tries to manipulate you into thinking is wrong.
If you feel up to it, let us know how you’re feeling today.
Dear Lila,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad.
I know how hard it is to maintain no contact.
First things first.
Please schedule a doctor appointment asap.
If you think you have an STD, you probably do.
Sorry. This is so important to get this treated immediately
If you live in a rural area just go to the emergency department.
Plus, if you go to the ER, they may have a mental health provider available there to talk to.
PLEASE GO!
For today stay away from him, go to the doctor!!
HUGS!!!
Stronginthecity
Gruuvygirl, HUGE HUGS TO YOU 🙁 I’m so sorry that you are in just emotional pain tonight. Don’t beat yourself up over breaking no contact, it happens to everyone. We think that it’s us not them..we are lonely, we remember the good times not the bad times…they suck us back into their con game.
The most important things to remember now is how you feel (so write it down so next time you are close to contacting him read what you wrote down to remind yourself & also that Day 1 of the No Contact rule starts now.
Go to the doctor asap & also call your local abuse center to set a free counseling session it will help you to know “what is real”. Also have your doctor test you for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency & hormonal imbalance all issues with PTSD & adrenal fatigue caused by the stress you are under.
Look at adrenal fatigue. org see their symptoms list, drlam. com, mialundin. com read her book see her symptoms list for adrenal fatigue/hormonal imbalance.
Most victims leaving a abuser have PTSD the biggest issue with PTSD that needs to be healed is adrenal fatigue.
HUGS to you 🙂
Jan7,
I am so worried about Lila.
I know exactly where she is right now.
Gosh these people are evil.
SITC
should be “such emotional pain” not “just” (sorry 😉
I can celebrate 24 hours NC now! It feels good. My stupidity lead me to spending the last few days texting him, begging for HIS love when HE was the one caught cheating! He ignored me. For days. Then I’d be done and I’d get a text love bombing again. I responded and he said he would call after work. Disappeared and ignored again. Torture! I let him do that twice. When he tried the third time I’d had enough. He coldly told me “Life’s tough.” and “Sometimes bad things happen”. Disappeared again. How cold could he be? He just loved me like no other a few weeks ago! I can’t wrap my head around this!
I haven’t reached out yet to anyone but on here. I vow to tomorrow. I have to get over this. My mind goes 1000 MPH. Trying to get sense. My closure from the love of my life? “Life’s tough.” OMG I am so hurt and to know he is loving it hurts more. I’m sure he sat there with his new girl reading the texts I wrote laughing at me.
I want to feel better!!!
Hi Gruuvygirl, CONGRATS for day one of No Contact!!! 🙂
Remember how he treated you this week…that will remind you next time not to let him suck you into his con game…he is a con artist…he will always con people. His new victim is not treated any different then you…yes he is love bombing her but guess what he is also training her like an animal is trained to accept his manipulation, lies & cheating.
The best thing you can do now is change your phone number asap!! This is how you have peace and calmness in your life for good. If you keep your current number he will contact you when his current victim finally sees his mask drop then he will come back suck you into his game then once again go out and troll for new victims then discard you.
For your racing mind looking into adrenal fatigue adrenal fatigue. org, Drlam. com, Mialundin. com.
Keeping NO contact from him will clear your brain fog. Keep reading everything at the very top of love fraud & watch the videos at the top especially when you feel the urge to call him. Also come here and vent or in a journal when you feel like you want to contact him this will help to open your mind up from his brain washing but most importantly you will not want to contact him after you do vent here. it really does work wonders. See psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com to learn more about his disorder, also psychopath free Facebook page is great. open a fake email then a fake Facebook page if you want to chat on there that way your ex or his friends/family will not see what you are writing.
Hang in there NO contact works!!! Stay strong!! 🙂
Take care
Hi Gruuvygirl… you’re saying exactly what I was feeling until just recently about my ex. How can he be so cold now when he was JUST in love with me a week ago? The biggest (and harshest) reality is that he’s a sociopath and he has no conscience. He’s the same as my ex… they can’t truly love, but they can surely love it when they cause pain and suffering. It was eye opening for me when I realized he was getting pleasure out of hurting me, so I had to stop letting him know he was winning. Now I’m winning because I have 11 days of NC, and I have cried less each day.
He won’t give you closure. He wants you to keep the door open because you have shown him to this point that you’re ‘fun’… he can twist you into knots and torture you. The greatest win for you will be when you truly stop him from having that foot in the door… and you have a day of NC now! CONGRATS!!!! That is a day that you’ve been 100 percent in control of your life instead of him being in control. I’m sure you can keep that going, as hard as it is. I know it’s hard and it hurts a lot. I’m right there with you going through the same thing, and so are lots of us here.
Keep moving forward, Gruuvygirl! You’re doing it, and you should pat yourself on the back for doing this great thing for yourself.
🙂
Lila,
One day(sometimes one minute) at a time.
This man sounds terrible.
I am so sorry.
How are you feeling today?
I was wondering if you have made a doctor appointment?
Even if your symptoms have subsided, it’s a good place to start.
Get a STD screen. Your regular or gyne doctor can do this.
Maybe get some temporary meds to relive your anxiety too.
Please take care of yourself and stay away from him.
People who love you don’t treat you this way.
You are addicted to him.
It’s not going to instantly stop, it’s going to take time.
Please for your own health take care of YOU!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I’m sorry I’ve been in such a dark place that I haven’t taken the time to thank everyone who has been in my corner the last few weeks. I’m having a good day today. Yesterday was horrible. He was playing mind games with me and just making everything worse! I finally realized in my gut WHY everyone says NC is the only way. Any contact with them is crazy-making and torture. No matter what you say, you never get what you want from them. I didn’t want to believe it, but I do now. It still hurts and several times a day I’ll get an image in my head of him screaming in my face and my chest gets so tight and I feel like I’m going to pass out. It passes but happens again and again.
The last contact from the jerk was today saying he wanted to see me this weekend. This is after torturing me for over a month!! How stupid does he think I am? It feels so good to know that our last contact was HIM asking ME for something and not the other way around. I don’t know what that even matters, but for some reason it does.
I just journaled a pros/cons list of being with him. I had one thing on the pro side and around 85 on the con side. I KNOW the information now. How do I internalize this knowledge – move it from my head to my heart? Knowing it helps. Before I figured out he was a sociopath, I thought I was crazy and looking back, I was accepting some bad things around me as if they were normal! A little time and space gives me a clearer view. I asked myself – if my daughter or granddaughter were in the situation I’m in, what would I tell them? I’d tell them to run and never look back and to get protection! I think I deserve that same advice.
The most evil thing about him? I met him about a year after the horror of finding my-then fiance dead after he hung himself. That relationship had been hell too, because he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on top of alcoholism and acted very similar to my most recent mistake. But he monopolized on my mental state and pretended to be the one who could love me past all the pain the suicide brought. If I had only know what was coming. Oh my God!
Some day I need to figure out why I keep letting bad men into my life. I had an abusive childhood and sometimes I think that chaos and pain is just what is normal to me. But the thought of another relationship right now sends horror over me.
Right now I want to have a love affair with myself. Everyone tells me I’m my own worst enemy. I need to figure out why and do something about it. I can’t take much more pain.
Again thank you thank you thank you for all of your comments. I read them over and over and appreciate the understanding that I just can’t get with my friends and family. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks again. I’m hoping for another good day tomorrow!
Lila,
Please take care of yourself.
Do this for you, your daughter and your grandchild.
Can you please try no contact at least for a couple days to figure out a game plan?
I understand how hard it is to think clearly when he is around or even calling or texting you.
Block his # and call the hotline that Jan7 suggested..
PLEASE!!!!
SITC
Hi. I did block him on my phone. I may have to get a new number because he text me from someone else’s phone. Just once. I ignored it. It feels a lot better because for once I am resolved in my mind that it’s over. Period. I have faced Saran himself and I came out alive
Gruuvygirl, Congrats on blocking him. But the best thing to do is to change your phone number & email address plus all social media.
No contact gives you the time to clear your mind. IT’s the best thing you will ever do for yourself.
Good job!! 🙂
Hi Gruuvygirl… you said you don’t know why it matters that it was him who was asking for something instead of you – I completely understand that feeling!! It’s that way for me too. When I decided I was going NC with my ex spath, I told him I would be sending him an email and he was instantly nervous. Before that day (July 9th) I was checking on him all the time, asking how he was, if he was ok, always me concerned about him. When he knew I was planning to send him an email, he knew I was cutting him off from me and he started trying to be lighthearted and make me laugh, wanted to meet for breakfast, asking me how I’m doing (very rare, even though I have some medical issues going on with a possible cancer scare… he’s the only one I told about it and he never asked me how I was feeling until that day). It took me days to send the email and each day he checked on me, asking how I was feeling and when I wanted to get together. I was very unemotional with him. So, I get it when you say it felt good that he was the one needing you right before you went NC. With me, I’m glad he acted so needy with me at the end instead of the other way around!
I feel for you that you had to find your ex fiancé when he committed suicide, and I’m so sorry you then found a person who took advantage of you. Sociopaths are heartless.
Glad you have come to the realization that contact just means more pain and suffering. As hard as it is to accept, I still say congrats to you for getting there, because as you know you’re so much better off with him totally out of your life!
Take care… you deserve to be happy! 🙂