Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Lila” she posts as “gruuvygirl.”
Like many of the women I see on this site, I stumbled here while searching for answers as to why my four-year relationship is so incredibly painful and why I keep going back for more pain and heartache. I feel like I have lost my mind.
At the beginning, our relationship was awesome. I was soooo happy because I thought I had finally found “the one” — my soul mate! He was handsome, drove a Harley, liked to do the same things I do, he was friendly and everyone liked him (I thought), he had a house on the lake and a job, but mostly he seemed to adore me.
But even at the beginning there were red flags. I just chose to ignore them, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Actually he lied to me the very first day I met him. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.
I met him at a bike rally and after spending the day together, he asked if I wanted to ride his bike back to his house. I was unfamiliar with the area and asked how far it was to his house. He told me 20 minutes. On the bike 20 minutes passed, then 25, then 30, then 35, then 40. Forty-five minutes later we arrived. I was terrified — thinking that he was taking me somewhere to murder me! I just laughed it off.
He showed up and never left
The day after I met him, he showed up at my place, and pretty much never left. It was awkward and it felt uncomfortable, but I was taken with him so I ignored my uneasy feeling.
He was with me constantly. He missed work so he could hang with me. He was always under foot. He showered me with compliments and told me he loved me after just four days another red flag I ignored.
He said “I love you” dozens and dozens of times a day — so much so that it was annoying. It was like the words were meaningless and coming from a robot. But at first, it was exhilarating that he was so crazy about me. Well, I soon found out that he was just crazy!
Married four times
It didn’t take long for me to notice something was not right with him. He told me he’d been married twice. I found out it was four times (at least) and that he was STILL married to the last one! He didn’t volunteer this information, I found out on the computer.
When I mentioned the lies, he blew it off like it was nothing, making me feel like I was prying where I didn’t belong. What??
He was always talking about big plans for the future — a business he was going to start — and he wanted me to be a part of it. It was exciting. After four years, he’s done nothing towards making this happen.
I’ve come to realize that he is all talk, no action. He couldn’t start a business when he couldn’t let me out of his sight for 10 minutes. He suffocated me — and when I explained that me-time was important to me, and something I needed in the relationship, he acted hurt and got mad and totally disregarded this need.
Every time I needed space or time alone, he threw a temper tantrum or pouted. But I slowly got used to it.
Wanted sex
He did nice things for me a lot but mentioned what he did over and over — milking praise and adoration from me for even the smallest little things — like taking out the trash. It became clear though that every thing he did for me was not to be nice. Everything had a string attached.
Usually it was that he wanted sex. He wanted sex at least once a day. Sex was incredible! I loved it. But I had no choice whether or not I wanted to — I had to every night or he would make me miserable with his tantrums and pouting.
He told me AFTER we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C!! I was shocked.
But again, I let that slide too as if it were nothing.
Raped me
Not too long after we started dating, he raped me the first time. Like I said, I was not allowed to say no to sex. Afterwards, when I was upset and crying and accused him of raping me, he told me I wanted it. OMG! I said no and fought him off ”˜til I was tired! But I wanted it?
He raped me two times again after that — several months later — once when I had a house full of family over for Thanksgiving! But I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I started to loathe sex with him after awhile, because it seemed that was all he cared about.
He was obsessed with porn and would watch it on my laptop even after I expressly asked him not to. We’d fight about it, he’d promise not to do it again, and a day or two later, I’d here the moans and screams of some chick on the porn he was watching. He’d lie and say it accidentally came on.
Lie and deny
He lied so much it hurt my head. I couldn’t argue with him, because he denied denied denied everything wrong he ever did.
He would watch porn on his smart phone out in the living room with my teenage daughter in the house. He eventually ruined my laptop by getting a virus from one of the skanky sites he was on!
Another night I got up in the middle of the night and he is watching it in the living room — again with my daughter in the house! But he always convinced me that I was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything, and I was just a bitch!
Everyone but me started to hate him. Every girl in my family said he gave them the creeps with his dead cold eyes. It took me years before I finally saw what they were talking about.
Ripped off everyone
He worked construction but worked sporadically, dragging jobs out forever and pissing off his clients. He ripped off almost everyone he worked for. No one called him back for second jobs.
He stole money from me, I caught him with my DVDs in his suitcase, plus he stole other things from me too. But he denied it all or had a stupid excuse every time I would bust him.
He NEVER did anything wrong. It was all me being a bitch!
Two different times I was told that he was hitting on girls when I wasn’t around. When I confronted him of course he denied it — saying he only had eyes for me! Blah Blah Blah. I never really bought his bull crap — and it was starting to stack up!!
He lies all the time. He tells big stories about people he knows and the respect he gets from cops and judges and that he can pull strings for people because of the power he has. It’s all bull!!!
He gets what he wants from me by bullying or manipulating me. It’s exhausting! His words are cheap. His actions speak volumes.
Talked bad about me
He has talked bad about me to my kids and my friends — I guess trying to get them to think he was Mr. Cool Guy and I was the crazy one or the bitchy one.
He always tried to turn people away from me and to him — but always behind my back. He was SNEAKY and it hurt that about every 3 months I’d find that he betrayed me and broke my heart.
One day while looking for a picture he’d taken on his phone, I discovered that he had memberships in about 5-6 sex hook-up sites. I was so heartbroken that it physically hurt! Even with the printed out pages of his profiles as proof, he denied it!
Had a stroke
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and I never left his side, nursing him back to health, even though he talked to me like dirt and was demanding and rude.
How did he repay me? After he was back on his feet, I discovered “Kim Babe” saved in his phone.
So I called Kim Babe and got the shock of my life. He’d been having an affair with her for five months and even had her moved into our lake house! She didn’t know about me either. It was a shock to her too.
He used her for money, clothes and sex. He denied it too, even after I talked to her and got the whole story! She told me that he told her he loved her within the first week too!!!
Called me her name
I was so hurt. But after brief separation, I took him back. Stupid Stupid Stupid! In the first couple of months after reuniting, he actually called me by her name, not once but FOUR times!
Once while having sex and once while saying I love you.
How do you do that four times? It was like he did it on purpose to hurt me! I’ve found him on sex hook up sites twice since the cheating too! His sex addiction is disgusting!
Wants all my attention
He insists on having all of my attention and gets pissed when I spend time with friends or family.
My first grandbaby was born September 2013 and I babysit her every day. He is even jealous of the baby! If he isn’t getting the attention he thinks he deserves, he starts a huge fight and ruins family trips and outings all the time!
No matter what I do it isn’t enough. He has no interests except me and what I’m doing! He has no friends. Even his own mom told me to break up with him because he’s evil!
Going to explode
All of this is sandwiched between doting attention and “I love you” constantly. It’s got me feeling like I am going to explode!
No one wants me to be with him, and family and friends are getting so sick of me getting back together with him. I don’t blame them!
They are sick of hearing all the horrible things he does, only to see me run right back to it. I have no clue why I go back to him!
Fear of being alone probably. I’m a former high school teacher, nice looking and fun, but I have no self esteem and fear dying a lonely old lady.
Violence
In November we got into a huge fight and he dislocated two of my ribs, making it where I could barely move or breathe for two months. I didn’t hide what happened from my family and they now HATE him.
When watching TV, if there is fighting going on — he laughs — like most people laugh watching comedies! It’s creepy!
He has four or five kids but isn’t in any of their lives. He’s always too busy chasing women.
He has three grandkids and I know in the four years we’ve dated, he’s never seen them!
He has no friends. His family hates him. His oldest daughter told me once that they believe he molested her when she was a baby. She also said he had raped before!
I brushed it off as the ex-wife’s baseless accusations, but now I don’t know!
He’s a former biker gang member and I’ve heard some pretty scary stories of violent things he’s done in the past. He dismisses it as the past is the past and that was back when I was drinking.
Since the cheating
We’ve been rocky since the cheating. I hung in there, but I never treated him warmly like I did before he cheated. We fight, he disappears for days and doesn’t answer his phone and gives me the cold shoulder. I figure he is with someone else during that time, because he doesn’t like to be alone.
Then he comes back, swearing he was just working and making money for “us” although I never see any of the money.
Ugh! It’s a vicious, terrible, soul-sucking cycle!
Last straw
Last weekend was finally the last straw.
He came by and left me 40 bucks so I could drive down to our lake house. I told him I probably wouldn’t go, but I decided to go ahead and go.
I called him all day to let him know I was on the way, but he never answered.
I got down there and pulled in the driveway and he poked his head out the door, saw it was me, and shut and locked the door. I knocked and knocked. I started to wonder if I had hallucinated, seeing him look out the door.
Finally, I gave the door a good kick and it opened. He came storming out of the upstairs bedroom screaming about me kicking the door and telling me to, “Get the F*&^ out.”
I said, “Who is in the bedroom?”
He said no one, but kept standing in front of the door so I couldn’t go in.
I was crying and screaming — feeling like I was in a nightmare, scared to death to see what I already knew was in our bedroom.
He pushed me to the floor and pinned me down so she could get past me and out of the house.
My heart was broken and I was mad! I was screaming and yelling and he punched me right in the face.
I left and haven’t talked to him since.
He loves me
He’s been texting me that he loves me.
Really?? You lock me out of the house after I drove 2.5 hours to spend the weekend with you, because you are with a girl, and you love me??
He said he had just given her a ride for some friends, blah blah blah, more lies.
He did say he was sorry at the end.
I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me”. Oh my God!!
Unbelievably — after catching him red-handed with a girl, he wasn’t sorry, he only raged at me and blamed ME — saying my jealousy was the problem.
What girl wouldn’t be mad in that situation? Am I crazy??
Blames me
He blames me so much for everything that I start to believe it!
He never apologizes, and if he does, it’s insincere. He never shows remorse or concern when I’m hurt and crying.
We get along great if it is just he and I and no one else — and we are doing what he wants. But I’m not going to be his slave!
I’ve never cheated on him, but he accuses me of it all the time! It feels awful!
He never apologizes or even acknowledges doing anything wrong! It’s so frustrating!
He respects no boundaries. He even read my journal! Not only did he read it, but wrote rude things in the margins! Who does that???? I’m dumbfounded!
Dead in a ditch
This last fight he told me my family was going to find me dead in a ditch, and I kinda believe him! He always threatens to beat me up and even kill me, but later makes light of it saying he was “just mad.”
I don’t want him near me or my granddaughter. But I still love the stupid jerk! What is wrong with me??
Does he sound like a sociopath to you? He meets every one of the critieria on the list except the intense staring. I don’t think he does that.
I’ve been reading stories on this site for a long time, so I know about the no contact rule. It’s so hard but I’m really trying to do it this time.
I’m sorry this is so rambling. I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile now. It’s hard to get all the chaos to flow into a smooth story.
Help!!
Reader spots Red Flags of Love Fraud in a woman he meets on a dating site
Yeah!
Good for you!
Block that number too!
Yes, they are pure evil.
How are you doing?
I am so happy that you are checking in here.
Every time you want to text/call him, post here instead, ok?
We are all here for you.
SITC
Wow. I’m amazed at the strength of you women who, like me, have been through living hell. That inspires me and gives me hope that I will get back to normal again – whatever normal is. I have never experienced anything so shocking, betraying, soul-stripping, crazy-making, and DEVASTATING as this relationship and I’ve been through some stuff! I just really didn’t know that people like that existed. I have two degrees, was a high-school English teacher – and he was a carpenter/odd jobs worker. I don’t mean this arrogantly, but I thought I knew more than he and was more insightful. Boy I was wrong. He wasn’t book smart, but he had the equivalent of a PhD in manipulation. I was duped. He won. I feel like such a chump.
But on a lighter note – no contact for almost 48 hours and it feels good. Since I blocked him I’m not constantly picking up my phone to see if he’s texted. This morning when I woke up, he was not the first thing I thought of. That was nice. 🙂
An old friend saw a post of mine of Facebook about getting rid of toxic people and could tell I was down and he invited me down to visit him for the weekend. It’s about three hours away so I’m taking a road trip later today and am excited for a change of environment and to be around normalcy for awhile.
Thanks again to all of you ladies. If it weren’t for this site (I’ve been reading it obsessively) I don’t know where I’d be.
lila (gruuvygirl)
Lila,
How are you doing?
Just checking in with you.
Please let us know that you are ok.
No judgement here…
Hugs,
SITC
Tonight, the man I was living with until 2 weeks ago is marrying a woman in his hometown 12 hours away. Yep, I knew he was engaged when we were living together. In fact, when I found out nine months ago, I told him to have a good life, and I was moving on. He roped me back in with “I knew you would never fight for me. It’s you I really love”. So, stupid, competitive, love-struck me, agreed to “fight” for him. He kept me on the hook, saying things weren’t going well and the engagement was falling apart. They weren’t speaking. She was too fat. It’s just a business deal, not a real marriage…blah, blah, blah. All BS. As the wedding date approached, he finally admitted he wouldn’t call off the wedding because it would damage his reputation. He even said he told the other woman he didn’t want to get married last week, but she still didn’t want to break it off.
So, finally, two weeks ago, I told him he needed to leave because I was becoming an emotional basket case, and we ended up fighting almost every day which wasn’t like us. He left for a week and a half, came back this week for a couple days (yep, I saw him when he was back. Isn’t love dandy?) and headed out of Dodge to get ready for the wedding.
He even texted me today, on his wedding day, telling me how he felt like he was in a dream and can’t wake up. He texted that he loves me and misses me very much. Who does that at 11:00 in the morning and marries another person at 5:00 p.m.???
Unfortunately, I “love” this jerk, although maybe I’m just addicted to him. Who knows. In any event, I’m dying inside right now, knowing the choice that he made. I feel like a failure. Although it has been a long time since I posted anything on lovefraud, I’ve been keeping up on my reading because maybe something inside of me told me this day would be coming.
I needed to vent, so thank you for listening.
Claimmypower, HUGS to you. They are so evil stringing everyone along & loving that they are leave a trail of broken hearts only to come back and shatter it into a million more pieced. You will survive this chapter in your life & you will be stronger. IT feels like you will never be happy again right now but I promise you with time you will never ever want to see him again because you know he will only mess with your mind & heart.
IT IS TIME to claim YOUR power again with the NO CONTACT RULE!!!
This guy will just drag you along until you finally crawl out of this destructive relationship. You deserve so much better and this woman he married does to.
Who sends a text at 11 am then marries another person at 5 = A SOCIOPATH!!
COUNT YOUR BLESSING THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONE MARRIED TO HIM…you can break free now with out having to go to divorce court.
You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year to talk with a free counselors right now would be a good time so that you know you are not alone. In the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE. They also can give you the numbers for your local abuse center where you can go for free counseling and free women group meetings. PLEASE PLEASE go to both!! This will open your mind up from his mind control manipulation.
YES, You are addicted to him…he has conditioned you to accept his coming and going…you need to break your mind free exactly like a cult follower has to break free from their cult leader. This evil manipulative guy is a mini cult leader and you are his cult follower. CLAIM YOUR POWER AGAIN!!! It’s time!!!
See the sites psychopathyawareness.wordpress. com
Donna this site creators has a life coach program to help guide you for a small fee it would be worth the money to talk with her…now is the time because he is busy playing the newly married husband. If you go to the top of this site under the red “contact” tab you can find her number.
Also if you go to the red “book store” tab at the top you can find Donna’s books and the books she personally recommends. My counselor gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra brown I highly recommend you buy it because it is one that will give you great understanding of how he controls you and how you feed into his manipulation.
HUGS to you. It’s so hard to break of any relationship but this is the best when it comes to dealing with a evil sociopath. READ, READ, READ everything on this site at the top under the red & gray tab and watch the videos posted up there too…do this every time that you feel you need to vent, or want to call him/text him or when you are sad, angry, mad as hell, crying…reading will help you open your mind up from his mind control and brain washing.
YOU are NOT a “failure”…you gave your heart to someone this is not a failure…sadly he conned you into his sick and twisted con game. Focus on him being evil and not on you hon it will help you to see the truth and that is he is a con artist who has conned you and his new bride and who knows how many others. My counselor told me that my ex h most likely cheated dozens & dozens of time on me in my marriage as this is what sociopaths do they are pathological liars and serial cheaters. I though after leaving my ex cheated on me at least 8 to 12 times but the counselor sadly is absolutely correct because my ex traveled weekly and was masterful at manipulating everyone.
Do a search here on love fraud & the internet for the following:
Gas lighting abuse
No contact rule (THIS IS YOUR SAVING GRACE to find peace & calm in your life) Follow this rule asap….block his number/text but better change your number and all social medial and email accounts.
Glad you reached out tonight, HUGS to you 🙂
Take care
It saddens me so much that you are going through this emotional abuse & pain. This is on the net about why it is important to follow the no contact rule:
Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
“No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”
Claimmypower, when you breakup with anyone the body releases larges amount of cortisol = makes you feel like a “basic case”. Check out adrenal fatigue. org, Drlam.com, Mialundin. com and her you tube videos. See symptoms on each site. Once you get your adrenal glands working correctly again from all the stress you have been under from this evil sociopath you will have a clear mind and free of anxiety etc.
It’s the missing link to fully healing from a domestic abusive relationship.
I wanted to also add that He never told his bride that he wanted to break things off and all the lies he told you about her is just that LIES. I know I was the wive were he was telling me that he loved me, wanted to be with only me throughout our marriage and when I found out about his first affair he begged me to stay all along telling his mistress he wanted to be with her. This is what sociopaths do they triangulate their victims against each other to string everyone along.
Google: “sociopath triangulation” & “sociopath smear campaign” to learn more about how he keeps you in his life. Also do a search for those words on LF.
Jan7 – I am worried about being strong enough to maintain NC which you obviously picked up on. I am very sensitive about rejecting people, probably because I was rejected often in my childhood. Kind of ridiculous….I’m worried about hurting his feelings while he is busy throwing me away like yesterday’s trash. Blocking him will be very difficult for me, and you are right. He will continue to drag me around. He already said he wanted to see me the next time he is in town. I said “Absolutely NOT”. Ugh. I need to really get my act together to get out of this.
I love your saying “You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water.” I’m putting that in a special place.
I’m sorry to hear you were the wife. Somehow, through all of this, I became numb to how my relationship with him might be affecting his fiance. My thinking was so screwed up. Originally, when I found out he was engaged, I tried to end the relationship because I didn’t want to be the other woman and do that to another woman. He convinced me to let go of my moral code and piggy back on his evilness. He has such a hold on me.
You’ve provided so many things for me to think about. Thanks so much, Jan7.
Hi Claimmypower, (btw I think your site name is great!). IT’s a conscious decision to go No Contact…for me I escaped my ex h and drove across country I knew that I could not read his emails or talk with over the phone because i realized that he was mentally controlling me and causing great anxiety when I did. I was so stressed out in the marriage that it literally made me sick.
once I found out through a counselor that he was a sociopath that every day that was it I was done, I had my answer to the hell that I had been living. even when divorce papers were delivered to him and me finding out he had 3 mistress in two different states plus all the other affairs he had he sent me a email stating “I thought we were going to work things out”…WHAT!?!…he was abusive to me in every possible, lies, manipulated me and everyone and had who knows how many mistresses and he still wanted to work out our marriage. CRAZY they are!!
I can only tell you from my experience and everyone that I have read on this site and others is the only way you will ever have peace from this evil man is following the NO contact rule. It’s not easy at first…it’s pure hell on your body and mind but with time you will calm your mind and body down plus healing your adrenal glands. You are breaking an addiction so its not easy. But its the best gift you will ever give yourself = kicking him out of your life for good.
You are a nice person this is why it is hard to be mean and shut him out but you are right he does not care about you or his new wife….he only cares about himself period. This will never ever change no matter how nice you are to him he will treat you like “yesterdays trash” and his wife and everyone else in his life.
Talking to the domestic abuse hotline really does help and going to their counseling and women group meeting really does open your mind up to the fact you ARE in a extremely mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.
his Lying = abuse
his Manipulation = abuse
Him Using triangulation against his wife = abuse
using a smear campaign against his wife to get you to stay with him = abuse
his cheating = abuse
He made you feel “numb” about his wife by telling you she was “fat”, “the marriage was a business deal” etc…this is all his con game. This guy is using his new wife as a “business deal” makes you wonder what he has planed for her? Is he planning to take over her home, her business, her bank account. To open your mind up you have to start thinking that you and his new wife are both being conned…that she is NOT the enemy he IS the enemy. You and her are the good people. She most likey has no clue you are even in the picture.
My ex h triangulate me and his first mistress against each other, they worked together…he told me that she was “trolling for a man” even though she was married, that “she approached him”, that “she was the reason why he had an affair”…of course he was telling her that he loved her and telling me that he loved me..Guess what all of his triangulation against her worked…instead of focusing on HIM I focused on her…I spend way to much time hating her, hating that he came into our marriage…but guess what he did this on purpose because it took all the attention off of him. I should have focused on him not her. You need to do the same, you need to see that he is playing both of you and most likely others. Once I was educated on my ex h mental games including smear campaign and triangulation I did not feel any hate for his mistress, I realized she too was conned by my ex along with everyone that entered his life.
This guy is using “pity play manipulation” google to make you feel like he is being forced to marry her…it’s all mental mind games with them.
I get that you tried to end the relationship…they are so masterful. When i had proof of my ex h first affair I was done out the door..finished…but he begged me, literally sobbed, cried, told me he would do anything to keep me as his wife….uhhh such lies out of his evil mouth. He got friends involved to plead his case “he learned his lesson”, “he won’t cheat again” (ya right). I stayed another 7 years, the hell got worse because he knew I would leave hm so he controlled my mind even more.
This guy will cheat on you, his wife and every other women out there. This is what he does …he loves to control you and his new wife.
Don’t hold on to the fact that you were the other woman…just move forward now with the NO contact rule and start your life without this evil guy. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR. They do exactly that they push your boundaries and your “moral code” to get what they want from you…sex, money, a place to live, your business, your bank account etc.
****Do a search on “sociopath madonna and whore”.
A sociopath will have a madonna (usually the wife) and then have his mistress (the whores) PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT YOU ARE ONE..YOU are NOT one…..but this is the actually Sociological book term that is used to describe what sociopaths do to many victims at one time…this is one thing that someone guided to me on another site and I searched it and this was how i was able to see that my ex h used me for a front to look “normal” and for my money and then sadly he had women on the side so that he could push them sexually into doing things to control them. AGAIN NOT THAT HIS MISTRESSES Were whores they are not they just got conned by him, they too were all victims just like me and you.
YOU are a victim just like his wife.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU…keep asking questions as this will help you open your mind up further from his mind control. Check out Facebook page Psychopath free and also After Narcissistic abuse…both are great support fb…open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat on those pages without him seeing what you are chatting about. See also Lisascott the path forward surviving a narcissist.
Take care.
Claimmypower, there is a new show on the Oxygen Channel (USA) called “Player gets played”. It’s on Wednesdays nights but you can watch the past shows if you go to the Oxygen Channel. com
It’s a really powerful show were one women finds out her bf is cheating with several women then gets in contact with the women, they join forces and expose the lying cheating guy. IT will give you a smile and you will see this guy you are with is conning you and his wife.
Jan7 -I so appreciate your perspective and describing what happened to you. At some level, I know he only cares about himself. but other parts of me have a hard time believing anyone can be that evil on purpose.
In the last couple weeks we were living together, I found evidence he was seeking out casual sex encounters on Craigslist on the only night I was away from him in the last six months. When I confronted him, he gave me the “why would I cheat on you? don’t you know how much I love you??” speech. Then he proceeded to accuse my 20 yr old son of being the culprit.
The sad thing is, I shrugged it off because I was still “competing for him”. What the heck was I competing for? A cheating, bankrupt, lying, self-centered person I could never trust. How did I get so desperate?
Thanks for helping me get through this difficult night. Tomorrow, I’m channeling my energy to my family and friends and away from him.
Claimmypower, your welcome.
YES, why are you “competing for him”…keep saying that to yourself…he IS a lying, cheating, self centered person. AND you can do sooooo much better….even alone you are better off then with him.
IT’s really hard when you have one foot in the door & on out the door. I have been exactly where you are…it’s not easy…it took me a long time to finally pack my car up and leave my ex. But I can tell you this it was the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I have ZERO regret leaving him or divorcing him. I am happy now just by myself.
Let me tell you from what I have read on this site and others…Craig’s list is bad bad news when a victim sees that their mate has been that site it’s because a lot of time sociopaths are seeking out threesomes, gay sex, orgies, prostitution etc. This is a HUGE HUGE RED FLAG for you to protect your body from STD’s etc. He can kill you with his cheating on Craig’s list with aids, hep c etc. Please take this as a huge warning sign that you need to leave this guy just on this fact alone (plus everything else he has done to you).!!!!!
He made you “desperate” that is part of the triangulation manipulation…you were “fighting over him” this is what he wanted to keep you around. Glad you see this in a new light. One step at a time and soon you will be running away from him fast!!
Good idea to focus on you & your friends/family
Take care, 🙂
Claimmypower,
I’m regarding your last response to Jan7, he used projection at his best!
I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. Jan’s right, they push your moral code. Try not to beat yourself up. Sure he had a fiancé but you were #1!!! It’s mind blowing what we lose sight of when with these people.
I found my ex on craigslist soliciting sex…from men! Man or woman, it doesn’t matter. I believe it’s all about control over as many people as possible. There’s just no competing with that. No competing with anything they do. Which is why NC is key! You’ll get there in time. Until then, please try and be as kind to yourself as possible. Talk to yourself as you would when supporting your best friend.
I’ve watched players get played! So a awesome. Sometimes I wonder about the set up, and if it’s contrived. If not I worry about the women’s saftey, but then again it’s on national TV so it would probably be stupid for a spath to take harmful action?
Hugs to you, Claim. You’re moving the right direction in spite of your pain!!
Claimmypower… It feels like for all of us, we have the same experience, just with slight differences and circumstances, but it’s so similar the way it affects us. The pain is very deep and it’s based on the fact that they make us trust them early on, make us feel intensely loved and needed, and then start to show who they are, bit by bit, but not until we’re too far in.
I just read a short book today about 30 covert manipulation techniques used by these horrible people. I kept thinking the whole time that any of us here can read this list and say we have experienced every single one of them. It’s so sad to realize after the fact what has been done to our hearts.
For me, after I finally accepted it was over, I was humiliated by what I had allowed him to do to me, and the truth is that for a while I actually wanted to commit suicide (something I haven’t told anyone – right now is the first time I’m sharing this… scary for me, but it’s the truth). It has taken me time to stop feeling the blame for everything that happened, because I had to come to accept he is the one to blame and he’s the one who should feel humiliated.
I’m devastated on a daily basis at this point but it’s only begun to get a little better since July 9th when I started no contact. Jan7 is completely right about how necessary it is to cut everything off completely. You can’t heal until you do that because you’re still in it and your perspective is distorted. It’s not easy but the further you get from that last contact with him, the more you feel your own sense of self coming back. I personally didn’t think I was going to be ok, but now I feel hopeful. It’s a daily struggle, but now there’s light at the end of the tunnel, which is something I didn’t think was possible.
I relate 100 percent with your issue of hurting his feelings if you reject him. I had the same belief until I realized he doesn’t have REAL feelings of love for me and he never did. He’s a sociopath which means he has no conscience. If you reject him, the only thing he will ‘feel’ is anger that his manipulations and abuse aren’t working anymore. It’s so hard to grasp because they spend so much time methodically twisting your feelings so you’ll see them as a victim, they’re so full of love for you, you’re the only one they trust… blah blah blah. My ex had me believing if I left and stopped contact, I would just be another person who abandoned him and broke his heart. Now I think about that and it makes me sick!
I hope you find some peace with this soon… it takes time, but once you really know it in your heart that he’s a sociopath, it begins to change your perspective. Keep talking about your feelings here because you are among people who have experienced the same nightmare and it helps so much to realize you have support.
Hugs to you!
Jan7… Craigslist is quite a haven of filth for sociopaths! I couldn’t agree more with your warning and suggestions about STDs.
Triangulation is one of the covert manipulations I read about today and found it interesting that spaths use others to make us feel both insecure and secure, depending on how they’re using these other people. My ex would make me feel in competition with other women, but then he would also point out that other women couldn’t compare to me in his eyes. It depended on which mode he was in with the manipulation… there were those moments when he wanted me to feel good because it kept me feeling we still had what we had in the beginning, but it was just glimpses of that time period and it was all about him managing/controlling my perceptions. He told me I was his ‘normal’, which is what he had been missing his whole life. Those moments made it even more shameful for me when he would use certain women (especially the prostitute) to make me feel inadequate in one way or another – she was so open to things and I had a closed mind. Ugh. He was so good at his game, as they all are.
Thanks for sharing the Player gets Played show. I want to see that. I feel a pull toward the idea of vengeance of some kind but I’m trying to change that way of thinking because it’s unhealthy for me, so I’m thinking a show like that might help me feel a little more lighthearted about things. And thanks for sharing all of the good information you put on here tonight, especially the rules of NC. Researching these ideas has been a tremendous help for me and I’m sure for many others!
Take care! Hugs to you!! 🙂
Gaslit, it’s soooo crazy they all do the same mental manipulation….I can’t believe I was sucked in because I saw who he was the second I meet him through a mutual friend…but he is so masterful at this cunning manipulation like all of them. Such a crazy world!!
Yes, the triangulation is absolutely covert manipulation. And like you state it’s to make us “insecure & secure”…to break us down to control us and to build us up to control us too…it’s all control & power from them over everyone. All the lies they tell about the wife and all the lies the tell about their girlfriend (mistress). This was a big eye opener when I too read this along with their other mental games gave me the ability to let go of hating his mistress and realizing they were victims just like I was the only difference is they were free to walk & I was tied to divorce court to get free which was an absolute nightmare to deal with him & how he manipulated everyone in the court.
ps your welcome about Player gets played…it’s a really good show and it is so awesome to see the women joining forces without the player knowing vs being triangulated by the player.
Gaslit073168 – I truly can relate to your feeling of being humiliated and wanting to end your life. Thank goodness you didn’t act on that because we all need and support you..me especially!
I have told very few people about my situation. I’m so embarrassed and hurt and the story is so unbelievable. Also, over the past 2.5 years we were together, I’ve abandoned most of my friends. He wanted so much attention, that between my job, kids, his kids and him, my friends got no priority whatsoever. He always found something wrong with my friends and god forbid I talked to any guy friends. That was an automatic chance for him to threaten to end our relationship. I really don’t want to tell anyone about his marriage, so I tell people he’s moved away and it’s over because I’m not able to move at this time (okay, now I’m lying. ugh).
Last night, my mom kept asking me about him and his kids over the phone, and I finally got angry with her and told her to stop talking about him. It’s hard not sharing the truth of the situation, but most people don’t understand and I don’t want to hear about what a jerk he was for the rest of my life from other people. I also don’t want their pity. At this point, I feel just as responsible as he was for the perpetrating the dysfunction and it’s embarrassing.
On a brighter note, today, the morning after his wedding, I’m feeling a little better. He kept me on the hook until the last minute, saying that “it’s not over until the fat lady sings”. He kept my hope alive up to the minute when he said “I do”.
24 hours of NC! Small victory for the moment.
I am going to contact the domestic abuse hotline, both related to him and related to an ongoing, very challenging situation with my physically abusive, mentally handicapped 18 year-old son. These days, I’m getting it from all sides. Also, I had never thought about the Spath’s lies, cheating, triangulation, manipulation as abuse, so thank you, Jan7, for that perspective.
Claimmypower (at least trying to)
Your welcome Claimmypower, I never thought that lying, cheating, triangulation & manipulation was abuse either until I went to my local abuse center and through my counselor. The book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra brown was extremely helpful to really see what I was enduring in my marriage also Donna Anderson’s books (love fraud site creator).
We as a society think that “domestic abuse” is physical abuse…but after educating myself on what I endured I searched and found that the bulk of domestic abuse is not physical abuse but emotional & mental abuse = all forms of manipulation. It’s their mind games that is the most damaging to us. Psychical abuse usually does not occur until the victim is either ready to leave her abuser or has left. The most dangerous time for a abusive victim like yourself is when you leave your abuser. So please be careful not that you are educated on sociopathic abuse.
Also know this guy is not going to let you go…he is out on his honeymoon with his wife but he will soon be knowing at your door to tell you lies about his wife to hook you into his abusive game again. This is what sociopath LOVE to do they love the chase and the discard and then the cycle all over again.
This is the domestic abuse power wheel (google) it’s an emotional roller coaster of the honeymoon stage, the tension building stage, the abuse stage then the honeymoon stage. This is why the no contact rule works it gives the victim her power back to say NO I deserve better and the only what to have better in my life is without you (the abuser).
You ARE Claiming your power by coming here to ask questions, to vent and for support! This is the first step…keep reaching out to the domestic abuse center. For me I called and set up a free counseling session at my local abuse center. I sat in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face so embarrassed that I ended up in this position when I saw who he was the very second I met him and the second time I meet him to. But he was masterful at manipulating me and everyone.
Once I went inside and met with the counselor I began to see that YES I was being abused emotionally, mentally & verbally. Then I went to the first women group meeting and WOW my eyes were wide open…they had each women (about 40) tell their story…I was shocked that 80% of them were like my story…the first time I could not tell my story I would have just sobbed but the second time I told my story and it felt good to be heard by so many. It really helped me. The embarrassment was gone after that because I realized I had nothing to be embarrassed about it was not about me it was about the fact that an evil man was just that evil.
Reconnect with your friends..they will come around again 🙂 Tell people that he was a con artist who conned people and that you don’t want that type of person in your life. That is simple enough for them to understand why he is not in your life. If they want further details then tell them that it turned out he was engaged to someone else keep it simple for them to understand. But please do not feel shame or embarrassment for what you endured. You were conned into his sick & twisted game. You are a victim.
YAY!!! 24 HOURS OF NO CONTACT!!!! 🙂 HUGE HUGE HUGE VICTORIOUS MOMENT!!!!! 🙂
I’m finding the nights are the most difficult, so I’m writing this instead of being sad about the situation. I did enjoy great food and beverages this afternoon while listening to some awesome bands. However, even though I didn’t have direct contact today, I posted pictures of my outing on FB, hoping he would see them and feel bad because I was moving on and enjoying my life. I need to stop obsessing over him. I feel like throwing up tonight. Just feeling so sick about how long I let this go in. I originally said I would break things off after 4 months of “competition”, but that date came and went and I did not stick to my guns. I’m very scared he’ll contact me when he comes back into town in a few weeks,
At one time, I told him that if he ever contacted me after getting married, I would notify his wife and spill the beans about our relationship. Now I realize this is stupid and just furthers his triangulation. He’d make me out as a crazy woman who is angry because he got married.
Claimmypower, Glad you came here to vent! That is the best thing to do even if someone does not see your post until the morning you at least are venting things out of your mind.
Nights are hard 🙁 but with more time away from him you will start to see & feel peaceful again.
Some good movies to watch at night…The Joy Luck Club, The Holiday by Nancy Myers staying Kate Winslet (sp?) and Cameron Diaz. Both will help you to find your gumption again.
Going full no contact will give you back your power…block him fully so that he CANT contact you. Sociopath will try everything from pity play, shift blaming, getting lovey dovey to intimidation, lovebombing, anger to suck a victim back into their con game. This is why changing your phone number, blocking your social media and email so that he can’t contact you from this day forward is the best.
The book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown is a must read as it will give you much needed clarity about your relationship with him along with Lovefraud by Donna Anderson. Keep reading everything up at the top & watch the videos over and over when you feel emotional. It will help you to open up your mind from his brain washing.
Wishing you the best tonight 🙂
Day 3 of NC. I’m lucky he hasn’t tried to reach me because I haven’t blocked him yet. Hopefully, I’ll be strong enough to do that soon. I’ve had lots of ups and downs. Today i’m thinking about what part of the situation I own. I really believed I loved him, but maybe I’m just fooling myself. i was so stressed all the time. Today was the first day I haven’t had to take my anti-anxiety meds for seven months. I was always trying to downplay the things he did or said which were so contrary to my thinking….he’d use racial slurs,tell off teenage store clerks, use his investor’s money for personal expenses, call my son by girl names. These are the tame things. Lots of thoughts swirling around. Trying to get past the feeling of jealousy towards his new wife and their $40,000 wedding. I’m frustrated that my mind keeps wandering back to him.
Claimmypower, STANDING OVATION for 3 days of NC!!!!! 🙂 YAY!!
Pat yourself on your back!!
Journaling really helps to see how you were sucked into his con game & to see what you could have done differently. Just write what comes to your mind…it does not have to be in conical order or with perfect grammar or spelling…just get your thoughts out on paper for you to see your relationship with this evil guy more clearly .
One of the things that stands out in your post is how he treated strangers & that he was STEALING from clients…this guys is brazen and does not care about anyone what so ever. There is much written on the net about sociopaths narcs and narcissist and how they treat outsiders & how they treat their family behind closed doors.
This guy should be in jail!! seriously!!!
He is a criminal!!!
He treats everyone horrible. His poor new wife is going to be conned out of everything if he is stealing from his clients…this will be very very bad ending for her, her reputation, her financial future, her personally. Very Sad.
Very sad for you…what is wonderful for you is you now know the truth of who he is = sociopath = evil = if you stay with him he will destroy you emotionally, mentally & verbally and down the road most likely financial.
That “$40,000 Dream Wedding”…..is quickly going to turn into a Nightmare of a life for her. This guy leaves only a trail of destruction where ever he goes…out to a store where he says racial slurs to the staff, to his office stealing money, to you by lying & manipulating you and his wife.
There is no doubt that he will steal from his wife just by his statement that she is a “business deal”…she is a financial target like most wives are and you are also a target to control & manipulate.
I am so proud of you for 3 days of No Contact!! Blocking is the best thing you can do right now…I get that you are not ready but keep thinking about claiming your power back from this evil sociopath.
claimmypower…look at the symptoms list on both these sites for your anxiety issues:
adrenalfatigue. org
drlam. com
also mialundin. com do a search on adrenal fatigue & hormonal imbalance both issues for victims of abuse (PSTD)
Jan7 – your insights are amazingly helpful and I’m amazed how you picked up on his patterns. He does leave a trail of destruction wherever he goes. He just keeps plowing ahead regardless of the consequences to others. Journaling is a great idea, and I’ve ordered Woman Who Love Psychopaths. Should be here in a day or two.
I’ve got a six day stretch coming up when both my sons will be gone. I’m anxious and sad about hAving so much alone time. The boys are a helpful distraction.
Embarking on Day 4! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. So helpful!
Claimmypower & Janedoe, hugs to you both! I’m just shaking my head at the evilness in this world. I was also thinking of the dozen years I was married to my ex h and how much I cried during that time & prayed for answers as I felt so alone. To find LF & other support sites has been a blessing for all of us. I always say that the one thing that the sociopaths of this world did not count on is all the victims getting together to life each other up & to heal together. So powerful!
Claimmypower…Cheers to Day 4 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Janedoe, thank you for sharing your story here today. It’s so sad how many hearts have been broken just by opening up your heart & showing your vulnerability to a mate.
For me read everything on the manipulation techniques of a sociopath and how it related to my marriage really opened up my mind and now I can’t even think about my ex without seeing true evil…claimmypower like Janedoe stated you will get to that point when the fog lifts. Keep moving forward with NC it works wonders 🙂
Jan7
You’re a great inspiration with many healing wise words.
I wanted to tell the jist of my story because I know when I first dealt with all of this, anyone who had similarities to me, was a great help.
I spared so many details because I’ve told the story so many times lol. The most surprising for me when I can to LF was that no matter in which way we were treated, it all comes down to tj same thing. I never knew that this abnormal behaviour ever existed. Then I came here and have had nothing but support and so much in common with everyone.
I hope clammy power knows that it does get better even though at this moment it seems impossible and the hurt won’t go away…it does.
I believe she stated that she can’t imagine going NC…oh I know that feeling so well. But I got to the point where I had to think of my self respect and dignity…yes when I first found out the horrible truth mine had done to me I cried and even begged him not to do this. I was in a state of shock and I begged. I was emailing him very regularly when he got married, I wasn’t seeing clearly and didn’t care that he was married. It got to a point that I was emailing and he just wasn’t responding. And when he did after a month and claimed that he didn’t have time to respond…it was like a slap in the face. I had my pride suddenly and wasn’t giving him the satisfaction of begging or messaging him. That’s when I said it’s enough and went NC. Yes he contacted me four months later at Xmas begging to see me but I felt so good having done the NC for four months. I had strength and was claiming my self respect back.
Clammy power can do this, there may be some setbacks back she will succeed 🙂
Hi clammy power
Your story…very similar to my story just a short year ago. In fact he is celebrating his one year anniversary any day now….puke!
I was in a relationship for 3-4 years and was love bombed at the beginning and that alone was red flag number one and I shd have thought he was crazy then. Little by little over the course of time, more and more things happened that indicated he was cheating and lying and manipulating. I found many many open pages on his computer, where he was having heavy conversations as though it were me he was speaking to. Promises of marriage and trips together, wanting kids are with them, putting them on a pedestal. I approached him and he ALWAYS had a reason for it. Since it was just the beginning for me at the time I figured all his stories about these women were true. sometimes he made me believe I was seeing things. He’s erase or delete whatever it was j saw and claimed there was nothing and I must have been seeing things.
Deep down I knew, I had a feeling he was nuts. But I loved the attention from him and the amazing time we spent together. I live in North America and he in Europe…who knew what he was doing all day long, right? It sure seemed like all his time was devoted to me though with the numerous messages a day and many trips where he came here for lengths at a time..I got myself to believe “ok big deal if he is doing a little flirting, after all it is me who’s speaking with him all day and trips were made together quite a few times a year. I ignored it all. But something in the back
Of my mind was always there. I was stressed each day if I hadn’t heard from him and if he didn’t sound the same each time. Or if we planned on speaking at certain times and he didn’t show up. He was always up at weird hours and slept very little and then would tell me he needed time to sleep due to exhaustion. I could go on and on with all the warnings.
Finally a year ago we were together and had a beautiful week. I knew about this girl he had been speaking about who was apparently after him. He said h met her through one of his “short term” work contracts…he never had a steady job but insisted he worked for the government doing top secret stuff and only worked by contracts.
So this girl was after him and he told me about it the year before. But be made it sound that he wasn’t interested at all..calling her names and degrading her..constantly showing me pics
Of how ugly he thought she was. This went on for a year until last year while we were away together was the last j saw of him. He left here, and a week
Later he was on a plane to her and they were married.
He tried to convince me that entire time she was an awful person. He was in contact telling me up until he flew there, that he was so sorry but what kind of future could we have and he wasn’t sure what he was doing but he was doing it. He loved me more than anyone ever and I was this and that, blah blah
I was devastated and a year later since LF I am slowly recovering. NC was the only thing plus the woman on LF that gave me back sanity.
He has contacted me several times..the first time declaring he made a huge mistake and would u pls see him. The love bombing began all
Over again like a new relationship. I fell for it and I felt sorry for him..this was at Xmas. He then contacted me The very next day and apologized for getting my hopes up but he loved his wife and me too but he can’t do this to her. Again I was devastated…
I’m trying to make this short so not to bore you!
Since back and forth a few days after Xmas and doing the same crap I went NC again. He re contacted me three times since with the love bombinf and promises and then the day after taking it back. I’ve deleted many things so he can’t contact me but somehow at times I’ve caved in I admit.
I know this man is so poison..while
He plays his sympathy on me about how I’m
The only true love of his, he did all he did to me. Only distance has given me this clarity to stop lying to myself that he is a good person.
As time goes forward I think less of him. I haven’t forgotten a lot of things that were special but the dishonest and betrayal disgusts me
Everyone here has given you some
Great advice and jan7 knows what she’s talking about. Keep reading here and asking questions over and over and inform yourself on this type of warped human being. With time when that fog
Lifts believe it or not, you will start to begin to see what a creepy terrible person he is.
I hope things are going well with NC and congrats for making it this far 🙂
Wow. Janedoe, so many things you wrote about happened to me! Throughout our entire relationship, he would get my hopes up, sometimes with little things (promise to go shopping together and then would back out) to big things (telling me his engagement was going downhill, he was going to buy a boat and sail the Caribbean with me, talking about starting a business together). The next day, it was like nothing happened. One night he would profess his love…I was the woman he always wanted, blah, blah, blah..the next day he would say “I just want to be friends” or disappear for a night or get super mad about me not answering my cell phone immediately. My mind was constantly focused on what I needed to do to keep him “happy”….maybe happy isn’t the right term, because he was rarely happy. Avoiding angry comments, long silences and disappearances was more of what I was doing.
There was a period of 3-4 months during our relationship when we weren’t living together. He would call at night and tell me how much he missed and loved me and how he wanted to be with me. The next day would tell me he just wanted to be friends and disappear for 4-5 days. He would surface again, profess his love and then disappear. I’m so glad you told me this happened to you, Janedoe. I would have fallen for it. Now, I’ll try to be smarter and remember what he was like during that awful summer and remember your story, too. These two guys sound very similar.
One of the weirdest things happened when I found out that he had gotten engaged one weekend when he went out of town. BTW, he left my house and was engaged to her 36 hours later, but came back and resumed our relationship like nothing happened. When I finally found out two weeks later through a mutual acquaintance, I asked him when he planned to tell me about the engagement. He told me he planned to tell me at a concert he had bought very expensive tickets for. Did he think somehow that would make it easier for me to hear because I was at a country music concert? Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Claim my power
First off I have to apologize for getting your name wrong. I read it wrong and even thought it didn’t sound right when I typed it originally …so sorry!
Like you my hopes were up constantly. I was always stressed each day during this time. He was always on my mind and everything I did revolved around his schedule. The compliments and promises poured in daily from him it almost was too good to be true. Even when visiting here he was doing all kinds of cheating and manipulating me and lying and looking back, now I see it more clearly.
Funny thing is when he was good he was great but when there were times I wouldn’t hear from him I always knew something was up. I don’t know about your ex but mine had a horrible upbringing…he and three brothers from different fathers, his mother sexually abused him and she committed suicide and he found her when he was 13 or so…who knows he could have fabricated this but somehow I think that stuff could be true by things I’d seen
Mine as well got engaged and pretending the whole time she was chasing him and he hated her. I couldn’t believe what he’d say about her but it was enough to convince me he didn’t care for her and she was chasing him.
During our time together the things I’d discover would make anyone leave him. I found many different accounts with his picture as a profile but all these accounts were different names. He had many conversations with numerous women asking them to have his baby and marry him. When I would be sick with disgust and asked him, those accounts would disappear very quickly so I could not access them anymore and made me look stupid…all kinds of stupid things like this
I really thought I loved him but all these things that happened I kept as a reminder as to what kind of person he was..up until that dreaded day he boarded that plane to marry a girl thirty years younger.
I feel like i am repeating myself to you but you get the story..
Although you are no contact has he tried to be in touch?
It sounds exactly like mine would have done when he texted you the morning of his wedding claiming his love and what a mistake he’s making…omg this has happened to me since he’s been married…
The excuses he would use for lies were so stupid…I don’t know who is dumber him or me for believing him.
You do know he will try to resume contact with you? Kind of like to make sure you’re still there…it may be early at this point for you to have a clear head and See what he really is, that is why the no contact is important. Yes you will crave him and want him but if you can hold on and get over that hump, you will see what he has done is not normal…
I’m in the same boat as you but a little further ahead and just starting to come out of the fog…
I’m here for you if you have anything you need to know 🙂