Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Lila” she posts as “gruuvygirl.”
Like many of the women I see on this site, I stumbled here while searching for answers as to why my four-year relationship is so incredibly painful and why I keep going back for more pain and heartache. I feel like I have lost my mind.
At the beginning, our relationship was awesome. I was soooo happy because I thought I had finally found “the one” — my soul mate! He was handsome, drove a Harley, liked to do the same things I do, he was friendly and everyone liked him (I thought), he had a house on the lake and a job, but mostly he seemed to adore me.
But even at the beginning there were red flags. I just chose to ignore them, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Actually he lied to me the very first day I met him. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.
I met him at a bike rally and after spending the day together, he asked if I wanted to ride his bike back to his house. I was unfamiliar with the area and asked how far it was to his house. He told me 20 minutes. On the bike 20 minutes passed, then 25, then 30, then 35, then 40. Forty-five minutes later we arrived. I was terrified — thinking that he was taking me somewhere to murder me! I just laughed it off.
He showed up and never left
The day after I met him, he showed up at my place, and pretty much never left. It was awkward and it felt uncomfortable, but I was taken with him so I ignored my uneasy feeling.
He was with me constantly. He missed work so he could hang with me. He was always under foot. He showered me with compliments and told me he loved me after just four days another red flag I ignored.
He said “I love you” dozens and dozens of times a day — so much so that it was annoying. It was like the words were meaningless and coming from a robot. But at first, it was exhilarating that he was so crazy about me. Well, I soon found out that he was just crazy!
Married four times
It didn’t take long for me to notice something was not right with him. He told me he’d been married twice. I found out it was four times (at least) and that he was STILL married to the last one! He didn’t volunteer this information, I found out on the computer.
When I mentioned the lies, he blew it off like it was nothing, making me feel like I was prying where I didn’t belong. What??
He was always talking about big plans for the future — a business he was going to start — and he wanted me to be a part of it. It was exciting. After four years, he’s done nothing towards making this happen.
I’ve come to realize that he is all talk, no action. He couldn’t start a business when he couldn’t let me out of his sight for 10 minutes. He suffocated me — and when I explained that me-time was important to me, and something I needed in the relationship, he acted hurt and got mad and totally disregarded this need.
Every time I needed space or time alone, he threw a temper tantrum or pouted. But I slowly got used to it.
Wanted sex
He did nice things for me a lot but mentioned what he did over and over — milking praise and adoration from me for even the smallest little things — like taking out the trash. It became clear though that every thing he did for me was not to be nice. Everything had a string attached.
Usually it was that he wanted sex. He wanted sex at least once a day. Sex was incredible! I loved it. But I had no choice whether or not I wanted to — I had to every night or he would make me miserable with his tantrums and pouting.
He told me AFTER we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C!! I was shocked.
But again, I let that slide too as if it were nothing.
Raped me
Not too long after we started dating, he raped me the first time. Like I said, I was not allowed to say no to sex. Afterwards, when I was upset and crying and accused him of raping me, he told me I wanted it. OMG! I said no and fought him off ”˜til I was tired! But I wanted it?
He raped me two times again after that — several months later — once when I had a house full of family over for Thanksgiving! But I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I started to loathe sex with him after awhile, because it seemed that was all he cared about.
He was obsessed with porn and would watch it on my laptop even after I expressly asked him not to. We’d fight about it, he’d promise not to do it again, and a day or two later, I’d here the moans and screams of some chick on the porn he was watching. He’d lie and say it accidentally came on.
Lie and deny
He lied so much it hurt my head. I couldn’t argue with him, because he denied denied denied everything wrong he ever did.
He would watch porn on his smart phone out in the living room with my teenage daughter in the house. He eventually ruined my laptop by getting a virus from one of the skanky sites he was on!
Another night I got up in the middle of the night and he is watching it in the living room — again with my daughter in the house! But he always convinced me that I was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything, and I was just a bitch!
Everyone but me started to hate him. Every girl in my family said he gave them the creeps with his dead cold eyes. It took me years before I finally saw what they were talking about.
Ripped off everyone
He worked construction but worked sporadically, dragging jobs out forever and pissing off his clients. He ripped off almost everyone he worked for. No one called him back for second jobs.
He stole money from me, I caught him with my DVDs in his suitcase, plus he stole other things from me too. But he denied it all or had a stupid excuse every time I would bust him.
He NEVER did anything wrong. It was all me being a bitch!
Two different times I was told that he was hitting on girls when I wasn’t around. When I confronted him of course he denied it — saying he only had eyes for me! Blah Blah Blah. I never really bought his bull crap — and it was starting to stack up!!
He lies all the time. He tells big stories about people he knows and the respect he gets from cops and judges and that he can pull strings for people because of the power he has. It’s all bull!!!
He gets what he wants from me by bullying or manipulating me. It’s exhausting! His words are cheap. His actions speak volumes.
Talked bad about me
He has talked bad about me to my kids and my friends — I guess trying to get them to think he was Mr. Cool Guy and I was the crazy one or the bitchy one.
He always tried to turn people away from me and to him — but always behind my back. He was SNEAKY and it hurt that about every 3 months I’d find that he betrayed me and broke my heart.
One day while looking for a picture he’d taken on his phone, I discovered that he had memberships in about 5-6 sex hook-up sites. I was so heartbroken that it physically hurt! Even with the printed out pages of his profiles as proof, he denied it!
Had a stroke
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and I never left his side, nursing him back to health, even though he talked to me like dirt and was demanding and rude.
How did he repay me? After he was back on his feet, I discovered “Kim Babe” saved in his phone.
So I called Kim Babe and got the shock of my life. He’d been having an affair with her for five months and even had her moved into our lake house! She didn’t know about me either. It was a shock to her too.
He used her for money, clothes and sex. He denied it too, even after I talked to her and got the whole story! She told me that he told her he loved her within the first week too!!!
Called me her name
I was so hurt. But after brief separation, I took him back. Stupid Stupid Stupid! In the first couple of months after reuniting, he actually called me by her name, not once but FOUR times!
Once while having sex and once while saying I love you.
How do you do that four times? It was like he did it on purpose to hurt me! I’ve found him on sex hook up sites twice since the cheating too! His sex addiction is disgusting!
Wants all my attention
He insists on having all of my attention and gets pissed when I spend time with friends or family.
My first grandbaby was born September 2013 and I babysit her every day. He is even jealous of the baby! If he isn’t getting the attention he thinks he deserves, he starts a huge fight and ruins family trips and outings all the time!
No matter what I do it isn’t enough. He has no interests except me and what I’m doing! He has no friends. Even his own mom told me to break up with him because he’s evil!
Going to explode
All of this is sandwiched between doting attention and “I love you” constantly. It’s got me feeling like I am going to explode!
No one wants me to be with him, and family and friends are getting so sick of me getting back together with him. I don’t blame them!
They are sick of hearing all the horrible things he does, only to see me run right back to it. I have no clue why I go back to him!
Fear of being alone probably. I’m a former high school teacher, nice looking and fun, but I have no self esteem and fear dying a lonely old lady.
Violence
In November we got into a huge fight and he dislocated two of my ribs, making it where I could barely move or breathe for two months. I didn’t hide what happened from my family and they now HATE him.
When watching TV, if there is fighting going on — he laughs — like most people laugh watching comedies! It’s creepy!
He has four or five kids but isn’t in any of their lives. He’s always too busy chasing women.
He has three grandkids and I know in the four years we’ve dated, he’s never seen them!
He has no friends. His family hates him. His oldest daughter told me once that they believe he molested her when she was a baby. She also said he had raped before!
I brushed it off as the ex-wife’s baseless accusations, but now I don’t know!
He’s a former biker gang member and I’ve heard some pretty scary stories of violent things he’s done in the past. He dismisses it as the past is the past and that was back when I was drinking.
Since the cheating
We’ve been rocky since the cheating. I hung in there, but I never treated him warmly like I did before he cheated. We fight, he disappears for days and doesn’t answer his phone and gives me the cold shoulder. I figure he is with someone else during that time, because he doesn’t like to be alone.
Then he comes back, swearing he was just working and making money for “us” although I never see any of the money.
Ugh! It’s a vicious, terrible, soul-sucking cycle!
Last straw
Last weekend was finally the last straw.
He came by and left me 40 bucks so I could drive down to our lake house. I told him I probably wouldn’t go, but I decided to go ahead and go.
I called him all day to let him know I was on the way, but he never answered.
I got down there and pulled in the driveway and he poked his head out the door, saw it was me, and shut and locked the door. I knocked and knocked. I started to wonder if I had hallucinated, seeing him look out the door.
Finally, I gave the door a good kick and it opened. He came storming out of the upstairs bedroom screaming about me kicking the door and telling me to, “Get the F*&^ out.”
I said, “Who is in the bedroom?”
He said no one, but kept standing in front of the door so I couldn’t go in.
I was crying and screaming — feeling like I was in a nightmare, scared to death to see what I already knew was in our bedroom.
He pushed me to the floor and pinned me down so she could get past me and out of the house.
My heart was broken and I was mad! I was screaming and yelling and he punched me right in the face.
I left and haven’t talked to him since.
He loves me
He’s been texting me that he loves me.
Really?? You lock me out of the house after I drove 2.5 hours to spend the weekend with you, because you are with a girl, and you love me??
He said he had just given her a ride for some friends, blah blah blah, more lies.
He did say he was sorry at the end.
I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, “I’m sorry that you’re mad at me”. Oh my God!!
Unbelievably — after catching him red-handed with a girl, he wasn’t sorry, he only raged at me and blamed ME — saying my jealousy was the problem.
What girl wouldn’t be mad in that situation? Am I crazy??
Blames me
He blames me so much for everything that I start to believe it!
He never apologizes, and if he does, it’s insincere. He never shows remorse or concern when I’m hurt and crying.
We get along great if it is just he and I and no one else — and we are doing what he wants. But I’m not going to be his slave!
I’ve never cheated on him, but he accuses me of it all the time! It feels awful!
He never apologizes or even acknowledges doing anything wrong! It’s so frustrating!
He respects no boundaries. He even read my journal! Not only did he read it, but wrote rude things in the margins! Who does that???? I’m dumbfounded!
Dead in a ditch
This last fight he told me my family was going to find me dead in a ditch, and I kinda believe him! He always threatens to beat me up and even kill me, but later makes light of it saying he was “just mad.”
I don’t want him near me or my granddaughter. But I still love the stupid jerk! What is wrong with me??
Does he sound like a sociopath to you? He meets every one of the critieria on the list except the intense staring. I don’t think he does that.
I’ve been reading stories on this site for a long time, so I know about the no contact rule. It’s so hard but I’m really trying to do it this time.
I’m sorry this is so rambling. I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile now. It’s hard to get all the chaos to flow into a smooth story.
Help!!
Reader spots Red Flags of Love Fraud in a woman he meets on a dating site
Claimmypower
I just wrote you something I’d forgotten about and thought I posted it. I can’t find it so will post again
I noticed with my ex he was an extremely unorganized, impulsive secretive person. He had to have notes everywhere to remind him to do things. He had many spots where he would put the notes. A spot for his daily activist, a spot for things he needed to pay, a spot where he kept passwords to his many accounts, a spot for everything other wise he couldn’t remember.
He had no concept of time either, he was always late and extremely unorganized in the way he went about anything. Very poor time management skills. Although he was a very bright educational man in the midst of achieving a masters/phd.
He lost things on a daily basis due to his unorganized ways…keys, money, important documents, glasses, remotes…anything that comes to mind.
Impulsivity was him to a tee. He could be here today and across the world tomorrow’. He was more than ready and willing to pick up and leave to do things.
He was always venturing around the world whether it was for jobs or to meet women. Nothing ever stopped him.
Most of his gf did come from around the globe. They were all very young and uneducated and on the poor side. He felt he was doing them a favour by teaching them the proper things in the world.
It doesn’t surprise me he married someone thirty years younger and poor…I am ten years younger but more established and know where my life is headed, which was not the usual kind of person for him.
His life was just a big mess all the time and he would get extremely stressed if you tried to suggest ways to help him stay on track. Almost as though he liked this irratic lifestyle.
Has anything like this been noticeable in your ex?
Unorganized, impulsive, bright, erratic, late…that describes my ex, too! He had piles of unopened mail, receipts, empty containers, clothes all over in his car. He wanted to leave everything out on the counters so he “remembered”. Does one really need to keep their toothbrush out to remember to brush their teeth?? Actually, he tried to isolate his mess to a few main dumping sites with strict instructions not to touch his stuff. He was forgetful. For example, he would need me to help with something very important for his business, forget about it during the evening and then ask me to do it as I was trying to leave for work!
My ex was also very abused in his childhood. Alcoholism, severe beatings, medical negligence. Until he was planning his wedding, he hadn’t had contact with many of his family members for years, especially his father, who sounds very horrible.
My ex also sent emails to other woman professing his love, wanting to have babies with them. During the same week he proposed to me early in our relationship, he was corresponding with a woman in Europe, telling her he wanted to marry her.
Those things said, he brought things into my life which I enjoyed and miss terribly. He was super funny, a great cook, insightful, challenging, resourceful, passionate, hard working, athletic and extremely street smart. Unfortunately, he was also manipulative, dishonest, irresponsible and unfaithful and he broke my heart.
I am 5 days NC, not due to any effort of my own. He hasn’t tried to contact me, and I told him I wouldn’t contact him and am hell bent on sticking to that. Since I haven’t heard from him, of course, I start getting sad, thinking that he is having a wonderful honeymoon, being the guy I always wanted him to be, but with someone else. Now, my rational brain tells me this isn’t true. However, my emotional brain still wants to believe that somewhere inside him lives someone who was not manipulative, dishonest, irresponsible and unfaithful. Unfortunately, from what I read and from all the LF supporters who have shared their stories and wisdom, that is not true.
Hopefully, someday I’ll find someone with all those great qualities minus the yucky stuff. Until then, lots of work to do on myself. Hugs to you all!
Claim… you’re not giving yourself enough credit! It is ALL about your effort. You’re the one who says no contact by telling him so and then sticking by it!! You’re doing it, and you should be patting yourself on the back because it’s painful as hell to do it.
I was lectured today about letting it go… as if that’s possible! I was told (by my close family) that I should be open to forgiveness because we all have our personal demons. Well, I’m aware of that, but the problem is this: most of us are bothered by our personal demons and try to change those dark parts of ourselves… he celebrates his personal demons and uses them to do great harm to others. I can’t decide to forgive that. Not right now anyway, and not before there are some consequences for his actions. The problem is his demons are too evil.
So, tomorrow is my birthday and I wonder if I’ll get some anonymous message. About a week ago, I got a strange “unknown” phone call with no message. I feel like it was him. I hate to admit this, but I hope he does try to contact me. I want to know he remembers… I wish I could stop caring about these pointless things.
Anyway Claim, you really are doing well. You’re NC and you plan to stay that way! Good for you! It begins getting easier, I can promise you that. I’ve been NC since July 9th. During those first several days, I went through total hell. Now I think about being face to face with him and I believe the sight of him would make me physically sick! Although being face to face would give me that very special opportunity for a quick sharp knee to the crotch — that urge is still there and I make no apologies for it!! 😀
Everyone take care… HUGS to all !!!!!! <3 <3 <3
Gaslit073168
I apologize for not being current on your story or ClaimMyPower. But I want to respond to a couple of things you wrote. Fair disclosure: You sound young(nd hip, or cool, or whatever word they use today). I am not; I’m old, fat, and Ugly. But I have some things I have concluded LONG ago.
1) Once you’re over 18, you are a legal adult and NO ONE has the right to lecture you about ANYTHING. We are all on our own journey in life to figure it out. What works for others doesn’t work for everyone. So… UNLESS you solicited their opinion (opinion, as in Everyones-got-one and no ones is more valid than any other), then that means such a thoughtless and coldhearted opinion reveals who they are….they outed themselves as a control person… kinda like a hall monitor. (Did you have those in school? We did and they were good two shoes twits, with no heart about the crap that happens to people in life.)
2) A simple directive like “ya’ll should forgive and forget” doesn’t mean they are right or even that’s good advice (’cause it isn’t. It’s crap advice.). It simply means that someone hasn’t lived enough to realize there are things that are UNFORGIVABLE.
Forgiveness is an enormous subject. Personally, since I self identify as Christian, I follow Jesus as my teacher and example. Jesus didn’t forgive Satan. Rather, he commanded Satan to “get behind me”. That’s not “forgiveness”, that’s dismissal. On a philosophical level, I am unable to forgive the monster who destroy my child. So… I turned it over to GOD. I released the feelings that were too much for mortal me, and I take comfort that GOD has the final say. I am Yoked to GOD, and he makes my burden light. (think metaphors) I had to remind myself often that it’s not my battle anymore, it’s GOD’s but that’s what allows me to focus on what I want in my life, not on what unforgivable thing was done to me.
3) The HARDEST days are our special days. We are more vulnerable then. So you would like to think he remembers, but know this: His ‘remembering’ isn’t about care or connection, it’s about CONTROL OVER YOU. Think of him as having the character of Smeagol/Gollum. When he’s “nice”, it’s only a set up for Gollum to unleash. Ewww. Gollum. A slime ball. possessed by an evil murderous demon.
Go celebrate a fantastic birthday. Focus on event after event to validate and EMPOWER YOU, a person who has better things to do and better people to do them with than HIM. And don’t let a “friend” trivialize abuse. Friends don’t do that. Disloyal Aholes do that.
I say, start NOW. Pick yer song. I’ll save you from having to imagine me dancing but I love all music so let’s all dance and celebrate the GREAT Birthday of GasLit073168. Whoo whoo! lalalalallllaaaaa!
Total disorganization was a huge part of my ex spath as well. He would get angry if I tried to help him get his life together. I was interfering! He made bad impulsive decisions on a regular basis with no regard for the consequences. His memory was a nightmare (brain cancer was the excuse, but I’m not so sure it’s true that memory issues were caused by the cancer or surgeries because they weren’t on those centers of the brain that focus on memory). He used the memory concerns as an excuse for a lot of his behavior. He had very poor judgment and made bad decisions on a regular basis, even though he knew he was making a mistake. He was very immature and seemed to want to do things that younger people did, like going to teen movies, wave to strangers out a car window and laugh about it, that sort of thing. I did learn why he was so secretive about the computer… preteen porn isn’t something he wanted to share with me! Makes me sick that I lived in the same home with that nastiness for as long as I did.
Interesting that many of them have these traits!