Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader whom we’ll call “Eugenie.”
My sociopath got in touch through a mutual friend on Facebook. We had been at college together, although I didn’t remember him.
He was quirky, charismatic, attentive, open, romantic and respectful. We didn’t even kiss until I’d been seeing him for six weeks. Over the next few months, we went on several weekends away to European cities and to places in England —where I’m from. We saw each other about twice a week and I was happy with that. I have a busy and independent life and he appeared to have the same.
He had a history of serial adultery, a failed marriage, several failed relationships and many meaningless liaisons with many women. However, he said now that he was 51 and had met me, ‘the love of his life,’ he wanted only to be with me. I believed him!
He proposed to me on the beach in Barcelona and, strangely, I didn’t say yes. I knew he wasn’t marriage material, so I was flattered but said I’d need to have a think about it. He pursued this and insisted it would be the right thing for us both. I went along with it, but from then I think I felt a little uncomfortable.
He was living in the house of an ‘ex’ who he had a child with age 7 and he claimed it was from a ‘one night stand.’ She was German and was living in Berlin, but had kept her house in England and he was living there and looking after it, and it suited the child, who he looked after in the school holidays. Again, I believed him. I rarely stayed there, as it felt like her house rather than his.
Something wasn’t right
It was only after about a year of seeing him, with our marriage date getting nearer, that I began to realise that something wasn’t right. Whenever I questioned him, he would come up with a version of events that didn’t quite ring true, but I accepted it. I hadn’t realised that I was addicted to seeing him and would put up with discomfort in between my twice weekly ‘fix.’
Also, he was presenting himself as wealthy, he paid for everything and whenever I got too inquisitive, he would take me away for a romantic weekend. I remember one of the last weekends we were away and I could see his reflection in the window of the tram, I was quite scared as I looked at him without him knowing and felt I was with a stranger. However, again I chose to ignore my ‘gut instinct.’
Also around this time, I noticed that we kept having the same types of conversation and when I asked him about himself, he often would start asking about me. I told him that I wasn’t happy with him living in his ex’s house, but I knew I didn’t want him living with me. Also we went out just the two of us, or with my family. He said he was quite a loner and didn’t have many friends and just enjoyed my company.
Skeletons in the cupboard
Several times over the year I saw him, I told him I had this feeling that he had ‘skeletons in the cupboard,’ and asked him to be open and honest with me about himself sooner rather than later. He assured me he had nothing to hide and even told me the password to his email. I didn’t look straight away, but when I did, I found he had been sending flirty emails to a few women and one was actually coming over to see him from Ireland the following week.
When I challenged him, he came up with a story about her stalking him, he only loved me, I should trust him blah blah blah. I believed him, but was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. On looking further at his email, I became suspicious that his ‘ex’ had moved back from Germany.
I asked him and he said she was in Berlin, what he didn’t know was that I was outside the house and had seen her there. I knocked and he answered and he told me she had lived there with him the whole time he’d been seeing me and, in fact they’d lived together for the past 8 years!!!!
I was SO SHOCKED I spoke with her and explained about him seeing me for over a year. I couldn’t make any sense of it. I couldn’t believe the situation which isn’t surprising as it was all one big pack of lies.
He still wants to marry me
Despite this he continued begging me to carry on, he said they weren’t sleeping together and she had actually said that to me. She said I’d been providing the missing link in their relationship and I should leave him, as she wanted him back in a full relationship. However, he was begging me to still marry him, he wanted me, I was the only person he’d ever loved. I was so confused. I didn’t see him for a week or so, but I was finding it so hard to un-love him. In the midst of all this, I discovered he’d been with the woman from Ireland for a weekend in a hotel. It had been convenient that I’d not seen him the last couple of weeks.
He was begging forgiveness, saying it was because his ‘senses were blighted’ by his love for me and he had gone to self-destruct, because he realised he’d ruined everything by lying to me. He said his heart was broken that he’d lost the love of his life and he hated himself. He begged me to see him like a fool I agreed I believed him.
Holding hands
The very next night I was in a restaurant with my sister and the weirdest thing happened. He walked in with the mother of his child holding hands —Yes —HOLDING HANDS. I nearly choked. There were no tables available so they left and I called him. He said that they were having a business meeting; he was holding hands because she’d had too much to drink blah blah.
Anyway, I dragged my sister to another restaurant about an hour later as I suspected he was there and YES the two of them were there. At this stage I was in a state of numbness and disbelief. I approached him, when she had gone to the bathroom, and he told me that they were ending their relationship over a meal and I really shouldn’t be there. I was leaving before she came back to the table, but she’d seen me and called me over.
He said he couldn’t deal with it and went outside to talk with my sister. I talked to his partner and she was very protective and defensive. When I told her he had been with me the night before and was begging me to have him, she looked shocked but asked me to leave him alone for the sake of their child. I agreed to this, as I knew I couldn’t carry on.
She has since seen the evidence of his deceit with me on his phone and emails and has kicked him out of her house. She also told me that she was financially supporting him as he was having business problems. She said she knew he’d had affairs before, but this was different, as he’d been away with me for holidays and it had been relatively long term.
I walked away
He told me that he’d never expected to ‘fall in love’ with me, and he thought it would be one of his usual two-month liaisons. He’d got himself tangled up with his lies and couldn’t deal with it all. He wanted to move in with me, but I said NO. I found it SO HARD, but I’ve had to walk away. A week later an article in an English newspaper directed me to Lovefraud.com. It has been a godsend. Without it, I think I would have been drawn back to his sordid life of deceit.
Because of the evidence staring me in the face from his email and from him appearing with his partner, I don’t think I could have believed the scale of his lies. From the moment he met me he started lying, and has been continuing until two days ago, when he has still been saying I’m the only one he’s ever loved etc etc. It’s only because I’ve threatened to tell his partner that he’s stopped for now.
So it was only actually 5 weeks ago that I uncovered this web of deceit and it has been SO PAINFUL. I’ve felt suicidal at times. I’ve questioned myself and my whole belief system. I knew somewhere in me from the start that things weren’t right, but was so low in my own self-esteem that I was not prepared to listen to myself, but was prepared to listen to the biggest LIAR I’ve eve met. I was angry with him and myself. I’ve realised that there is no point in talking to him, as EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, it rolls off his silver tongue.
I’ve begun to heal
On a positive note, I have begun to heal in that short time. He’s not taken me for any money, he’s just taken some of my self respect and he never turned nasty. He was a ‘nice sociopath.’ I’ve had to work hard, but I am moving forward and the pain is lessening. For the first three weeks or so, I was shaking, not eating, totally in shock. But I’m not prepared to let him ruin my life. I can see that the Universe/God was having to give me very strong messages:
- Always trust your instincts
- I loved the man I believed him to be, but he was simply reflecting back to me the character traits in me. All traits that I like and admire. I had them all along.
- I let him into my life because I wanted the easy way. I wanted him to provide love and nurturing. All things I should have been giving myself.
So now, I’m being kind to myself, but pushing myself out of my comfort zone just a little each day. I’ve been amazed at the progress I’m making and at the people I’ve attracted into my life. They were there, but I hadn’t appreciated them when I was with him. I wanted him to ‘fix’ me. I know I have to take responsibility for my own life and I feel I’ve had a ‘lucky escape.’ I don’t want another relationship for a while, I need to sort my relationship with myself out first. It’s been such a learning experience to know there are so many spaths out there. Thanks to all on Lovefraud.com
Eugenie,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate to SO MUCH of it!!! Mine was a “nice sociopath” also. He never said a mean word to me, but he said plenty of mean things about other people behind their backs. Just like in your case, my ex lied about SO MANY things. And his apparent “niceness” has messed with my head so much…I’ve had cognitive dissonance big time. I understand exactly what you mean about the intense pain. YES! It’s been four months of no contact for me, and things are better for me, but I still think about what’s happened every day. He told me I was the “love of his life” too! At the same time he told me that (and I found this out later), he was six weeks into a relationship with the OW, with whom he now lives. He was in the process of devaluing and discarding me. I’m sure he told the OW that she’s the love of his life. And a lot of the things you’re talking about, like how he gave you his email password, the reassurances he gave you that YOU are the one he loves, that he will change now that he’s found you…the spath in my case did all of that with the OW. But unlike you, she is staying with him. GOOD FOR YOU for running away!!!
Something else you wrote really jumped out at me. You said you never would have believed what he was doing if you hadn’t SEEN the proof. Exactly!!! In my case, I literally had no idea that he was such a liar and cheater until I accidentally found a picture of him with the OW on Facebook. Then, this OW contacted me, and I discovered that he had cheated on me with other women, and I knew it was true because of some things he had said to me during our relationship that she didn’t know about (he projected his behavior on to others).
You sound like you are very insightful and on the right track! The mirroring you talk about…the spath in my case did the same thing, of course, with both me and the OW. Many people on here have said that these losers must all have a handbook or something because there are so many eerie similarities, down to the very words they say. I hope that by sharing my story with you, with all of its crazy similarities, I will help you feel a little better. Reading your story absolutely reassures me that I’m not the crazy one!
And one more thing…I have struggled a lot with forgiving myself about this. But I’ve come to realize that I was truly innocent before I met the spath, and it’s not a bad thing. I was as self-aware as I could be at the time, and that’s ok! The spath in my case even told the OW, in regards to me, that he knew he was “a monster to an innocent person.” Most people don’t realize that this kind of evil exists, and unfortunately it seems like they only discover it when they get emotionally involved with one of these people. You and I and the other former victims on here have a special wisdom. And I am beginning to feel really grateful for that! Lovefraud is awesome, and I’m glad you found this place too!
Thanks again for sharing!!!
To All Lovefraud family:
I have written a poem titled:
“What’s A Girl to Do?”
Young and vibrant and looking sincere
One must know what to adhere
Keep seeing with those inner eyes
The ones that never tell you lies
“You’re the one, the only one—
When the dripping is constant, just please run!
Before the end comes and all is stolen
You will return to the state before broken
Be gentle and kind and keep looking sincere
You are a treasure to be held so dear.
Love to all…..
ToBe Free – thank you so much – yes, the answer is to trust our own instincts.
Thanks for sharing your story Eugenie. You and Laura19 both hit upon an interesting topic I’ve been struggling with for almost a year after the brutal end of my 13 year “relationship” with a spath – that being, is there such a thing as a “nice spociopath”?
I have constant battles between my intellect and my heart in trying to answer this question about my ex-spath as I can now “see” so much conflicting behaviour throughout our time together. I have letters which could easily be interpreted as either manipulation attempts or as deep thoughts from a sick person trying to fight off his demons. During the immediate aftermath of the breakup, I saw and heard things from him that could be taken either way. The true monster/person came out during this period and I met him for the first time but I think I’ll always question, was that the real person or was that just the crystal meth fueled monster (the drug use/addiction was completely unknown to me until 3 months after the breakup).
In the end, I know I’ll never know the answer to this question but I wonder how long I’ll continue to strive for it.
Thank you for sharing your story Eugenia.And welcome to Lovefraud!
There is NO such thing as a “Nice” psychopath!!!!
My ex was very heavily invested in looking like the good guy for 28 years….ofcourse we fought and when we did he would be really cruel, but then he would apologise , bring me flowers , and tell me I was the love of his life!!!
28 years later my daughter caught him with un refutable proof that he was having an affair with his secratary from a country 8000 miles away!!! Thats when the lying decieving and mask slippage happened. I was in a vortex of cognitive dissonance.And fear and addiction….abandoned pennyless and homeless… the whole enchilada. I’m still digesting it.
People and family who have known us our whole lives just cannot believe it…BUT the truth stares them in the face and they cannot ignore the fact that he is BAD!!!!
No I’m sure. There does not exist a “good sociopath”.
Thank you for sharing your story. Welcome and I am glad you found this site. It has helped me a lot since I found it. Bringing us together this way helps with the isolation and we can get encouragement from others whom have dealt with these “people.” If he is still smarming you two days ago, I am sure there is a lot of inner conflict going on. Keep up the good fight for yourself.
ToBeFree: Thank you for sharing your poem. I found bits of my feelings in there and I know writing helps to get the anger, grief and confusion out.
Eugenie,
Thanks for sharing your story! I can completely relate to it. I felt like I was reliving my own experience reading yours. The cookie cutter behavior of these types is uncanny. The same words, moves, and deceptions time after time after time.
For anyone here who is wondering if ‘their’ ex is doing something different with his or her life, your article should be read again and again. They just do not change. They might change their clothing style, or locate to a new environment, or job…but they repeat all these behaviors without thought.
For me, when I really GOT IT (that there would be NO change for them) I felt kind of vindicated. I had a gut level acceptance that is was NOT ME, it really was them. I could let go of the guilt and shame. I knew then that I could be anybody, and the treatment would be the same. It’s like the weather. Natural disasters (and I won’t take this analogy too far) happen to EVERYONE.
Once that is understood it is our responsibility, to ourselves, to KNOW the signs of an impending storm and get out of it’s path.
P.S. As for ‘nice’ spaths. I get, I think, what is meant by this. Some spaths are imposing figures, and not very friendly ‘appearing’. I’ve known a spath who was, pretty much always, imposing, and lived a rather subversive life-style. I’ve also known the nice-appearing type. The kind that put on the facade of decency and kindness, who like to hold hands and pronounce their love for mankind and animals and little kids.
They do come in all ‘flavors’ (just like the rest of us). Except that their flavors are superficial. Like frosting on a cake. Some are decorated plainly, and may not be all that tasty looking. Some are really covered in sprinkles and candles. However, for all them, once you get past the frosting it is pure poison. Or, like I prefer to think of it, poop-cake underneath.
Slim
Hi,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve read many stories on this site and yours hit home the closest. My experience only lasted 6 months but what a whirlwind it was. I just stumbled upon lovefraud yesterday as I was going out of my mind trying to figure out what happened with my relationship.
Through this site and others, I have figured out that the man I thought I was in love with was, at least, borderline sociopathic. I’ve gone through so many emotions in the past 5 days. I can’t believe I was dupped. I knew he was married but it was sexless, he told his wife he wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago, she kicked him out. He stayed with me. We went away with friends and he told my friends that he’s getting a divorce, that he loves me, wants to be with me, and would never hurt me. All lies.
He’s a sick individual. Telling me all this past weekend that he was with his family in Boca Raton, making up stories of what was going on down there, emailing me the whole time gushing with his love. BUT he was with his wife and her family. She found the emails, confronted him and texted me. He continued to proclaim his love for me, saying divorce is hard and he never wants to be the bad guy, doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
He’s aware of his sickness. I met him for the last time Tuesday and he seemed genuinely upset that he was hurting me by staying with his wife. Saying something turned off in him when he was a teenager, he doesn’t know who he is, that he creates these fantasy worlds and plays in them. I looked through his texts to his wife and up until that morning was saying that he loved her and that he had broken it off with me (he had not yet). I texted her right there in front of him and let her know. I’ve been communicating with the wife somewhat and she says she’s not taking him back but I think he’ll wiggle his way back even though he’s called me every night this week. He can’t be alone. He was never cruel verbally or physically, never. His cruelness came from his promises and how convincing he was that we were going to build a life together. He was so intoxicating, making plans for the future, being the person I’ve always wanted, He convinced everyone… my friends and family included.
This is all still so fresh for me. I still feel weak, I can’t eat, I woke up shaking yesterday, I feel raw.
Welcome photoplayer,
Cruelty hurts no matter what form it takes!Deceit,such as not keeping promises that have been taken to heart, can hurt as much as twisting the arm or a big black eye-but take longer to heal.
A big part of healing is taking care of yourself;focus on your needs.Get counseling.Keep reading and posting here at Lovefraud.Btw,welcome!Play some soothing music.Take a relaxing bath with scented candles.Have a meal with friends or while laughing at a home movie. ((( Hugs )))