Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader whom we’ll call “Eugenie.”
My sociopath got in touch through a mutual friend on Facebook. We had been at college together, although I didn’t remember him.
He was quirky, charismatic, attentive, open, romantic and respectful. We didn’t even kiss until I’d been seeing him for six weeks. Over the next few months, we went on several weekends away to European cities and to places in England —where I’m from. We saw each other about twice a week and I was happy with that. I have a busy and independent life and he appeared to have the same.
He had a history of serial adultery, a failed marriage, several failed relationships and many meaningless liaisons with many women. However, he said now that he was 51 and had met me, ‘the love of his life,’ he wanted only to be with me. I believed him!
He proposed to me on the beach in Barcelona and, strangely, I didn’t say yes. I knew he wasn’t marriage material, so I was flattered but said I’d need to have a think about it. He pursued this and insisted it would be the right thing for us both. I went along with it, but from then I think I felt a little uncomfortable.
He was living in the house of an ‘ex’ who he had a child with age 7 and he claimed it was from a ‘one night stand.’ She was German and was living in Berlin, but had kept her house in England and he was living there and looking after it, and it suited the child, who he looked after in the school holidays. Again, I believed him. I rarely stayed there, as it felt like her house rather than his.
Something wasn’t right
It was only after about a year of seeing him, with our marriage date getting nearer, that I began to realise that something wasn’t right. Whenever I questioned him, he would come up with a version of events that didn’t quite ring true, but I accepted it. I hadn’t realised that I was addicted to seeing him and would put up with discomfort in between my twice weekly ‘fix.’
Also, he was presenting himself as wealthy, he paid for everything and whenever I got too inquisitive, he would take me away for a romantic weekend. I remember one of the last weekends we were away and I could see his reflection in the window of the tram, I was quite scared as I looked at him without him knowing and felt I was with a stranger. However, again I chose to ignore my ‘gut instinct.’
Also around this time, I noticed that we kept having the same types of conversation and when I asked him about himself, he often would start asking about me. I told him that I wasn’t happy with him living in his ex’s house, but I knew I didn’t want him living with me. Also we went out just the two of us, or with my family. He said he was quite a loner and didn’t have many friends and just enjoyed my company.
Skeletons in the cupboard
Several times over the year I saw him, I told him I had this feeling that he had ‘skeletons in the cupboard,’ and asked him to be open and honest with me about himself sooner rather than later. He assured me he had nothing to hide and even told me the password to his email. I didn’t look straight away, but when I did, I found he had been sending flirty emails to a few women and one was actually coming over to see him from Ireland the following week.
When I challenged him, he came up with a story about her stalking him, he only loved me, I should trust him blah blah blah. I believed him, but was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. On looking further at his email, I became suspicious that his ‘ex’ had moved back from Germany.
I asked him and he said she was in Berlin, what he didn’t know was that I was outside the house and had seen her there. I knocked and he answered and he told me she had lived there with him the whole time he’d been seeing me and, in fact they’d lived together for the past 8 years!!!!
I was SO SHOCKED I spoke with her and explained about him seeing me for over a year. I couldn’t make any sense of it. I couldn’t believe the situation which isn’t surprising as it was all one big pack of lies.
He still wants to marry me
Despite this he continued begging me to carry on, he said they weren’t sleeping together and she had actually said that to me. She said I’d been providing the missing link in their relationship and I should leave him, as she wanted him back in a full relationship. However, he was begging me to still marry him, he wanted me, I was the only person he’d ever loved. I was so confused. I didn’t see him for a week or so, but I was finding it so hard to un-love him. In the midst of all this, I discovered he’d been with the woman from Ireland for a weekend in a hotel. It had been convenient that I’d not seen him the last couple of weeks.
He was begging forgiveness, saying it was because his ‘senses were blighted’ by his love for me and he had gone to self-destruct, because he realised he’d ruined everything by lying to me. He said his heart was broken that he’d lost the love of his life and he hated himself. He begged me to see him like a fool I agreed I believed him.
Holding hands
The very next night I was in a restaurant with my sister and the weirdest thing happened. He walked in with the mother of his child holding hands —Yes —HOLDING HANDS. I nearly choked. There were no tables available so they left and I called him. He said that they were having a business meeting; he was holding hands because she’d had too much to drink blah blah.
Anyway, I dragged my sister to another restaurant about an hour later as I suspected he was there and YES the two of them were there. At this stage I was in a state of numbness and disbelief. I approached him, when she had gone to the bathroom, and he told me that they were ending their relationship over a meal and I really shouldn’t be there. I was leaving before she came back to the table, but she’d seen me and called me over.
He said he couldn’t deal with it and went outside to talk with my sister. I talked to his partner and she was very protective and defensive. When I told her he had been with me the night before and was begging me to have him, she looked shocked but asked me to leave him alone for the sake of their child. I agreed to this, as I knew I couldn’t carry on.
She has since seen the evidence of his deceit with me on his phone and emails and has kicked him out of her house. She also told me that she was financially supporting him as he was having business problems. She said she knew he’d had affairs before, but this was different, as he’d been away with me for holidays and it had been relatively long term.
I walked away
He told me that he’d never expected to ‘fall in love’ with me, and he thought it would be one of his usual two-month liaisons. He’d got himself tangled up with his lies and couldn’t deal with it all. He wanted to move in with me, but I said NO. I found it SO HARD, but I’ve had to walk away. A week later an article in an English newspaper directed me to Lovefraud.com. It has been a godsend. Without it, I think I would have been drawn back to his sordid life of deceit.
Because of the evidence staring me in the face from his email and from him appearing with his partner, I don’t think I could have believed the scale of his lies. From the moment he met me he started lying, and has been continuing until two days ago, when he has still been saying I’m the only one he’s ever loved etc etc. It’s only because I’ve threatened to tell his partner that he’s stopped for now.
So it was only actually 5 weeks ago that I uncovered this web of deceit and it has been SO PAINFUL. I’ve felt suicidal at times. I’ve questioned myself and my whole belief system. I knew somewhere in me from the start that things weren’t right, but was so low in my own self-esteem that I was not prepared to listen to myself, but was prepared to listen to the biggest LIAR I’ve eve met. I was angry with him and myself. I’ve realised that there is no point in talking to him, as EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, it rolls off his silver tongue.
I’ve begun to heal
On a positive note, I have begun to heal in that short time. He’s not taken me for any money, he’s just taken some of my self respect and he never turned nasty. He was a ‘nice sociopath.’ I’ve had to work hard, but I am moving forward and the pain is lessening. For the first three weeks or so, I was shaking, not eating, totally in shock. But I’m not prepared to let him ruin my life. I can see that the Universe/God was having to give me very strong messages:
- Always trust your instincts
- I loved the man I believed him to be, but he was simply reflecting back to me the character traits in me. All traits that I like and admire. I had them all along.
- I let him into my life because I wanted the easy way. I wanted him to provide love and nurturing. All things I should have been giving myself.
So now, I’m being kind to myself, but pushing myself out of my comfort zone just a little each day. I’ve been amazed at the progress I’m making and at the people I’ve attracted into my life. They were there, but I hadn’t appreciated them when I was with him. I wanted him to ‘fix’ me. I know I have to take responsibility for my own life and I feel I’ve had a ‘lucky escape.’ I don’t want another relationship for a while, I need to sort my relationship with myself out first. It’s been such a learning experience to know there are so many spaths out there. Thanks to all on Lovefraud.com
eugenie,
thank you so much for your post,so sorry to hear all you have been through…….im glad you found lovefraud too…..it helped me alot and i know you will find healing and hope here.
im so thankful you found out the type of person he is and walked away…..stay strong and take it one day at a time……your the important one now..
found it interesting too your anology of the `nice siociopath`…it resonated with me……………..what they do is far from nice…..they are not nice traits….my ex i feel would fit in with the nice siociopath untill the truth was revealed then the real person appeared only for me it took 16 years to find out the truth….so i saw a loving and caring and yes nice person though i know they lied i excepted the lies……it wasnt untill the end did i realise the whole 16 years was a lie….so while i was seeing the nice person….what was going on behind the scenes was all lies and it was covert……..hidden from me……i was deceived to think i was with a nice person whereas i was not……..we see what we want i guess….makes me sad that i shared so many happy memories but behind it all was a sham….a pack of lies…..a person who was deceiving me and didnt care.
better off on my own now…..
eugenie i wish you well on your healing journey.
Photoplayer,
Sociopaths are at their best doing the pity-play. It’s their way of hooking us in. Poor him, he’s so ashamed, he doesn’t know what he wants, he’s different, he doesn’t think like other people. Nobody understands him, he didn’t mean to upset anyone blah blah
I’d bet your Spath hasn’t asked how you might be feeling finding out about his betrayals and lies. Mine was only concerned with how bad he felt. Not with me or his long term partners feelings.
He may be aware of his illness, but hhe has no awareness of others feelings or of how to love anybody. He will never be loyal or faithful to any woman. He is a repeat offender and will tell each one they are ‘the one’.
Also know that there is no cure for Sociopathy, he is mentally ill. If you continue to let him into your life, you will only get dragged down into his self destructive, cheating toxic pit of despair. Believe me, it was so hard for me to walk away, but I’m so glad I have.
He will continue to contact you, not because he loves you or you’re the one, but because he wants control. He will tell his wife you are nasty, mad, demanding, aggressive. He will tell everybody what they want to hear (except I’m sorry)to keep control in his life.
Love is about mutual respect, trust and honesty. None of that has been shown to you while he’s been living with his wife and lying to you. I loved the man I believed my spath to be. But I realise that was not who he was. It was a mask and I don’t like what’s underneath. Especially what’s underneath those cold eyes.
you’ve got out early like I did, it is a lucky escape and there is a gift to come out of the experience where we learn so much about ourselves. I don’t even regret the relationship, I just see it as a message loud and clear about moving on with my life, being my authentic self and learning to believe and trust in MYSELF. I no longer am looking to a man to complete me.
You’ll still be in massive shock at tthe moment, but your brain can never process the events. It’s a million miles from normal thinking. Keep posting and try not to contact him or anybody around him. Hopefully, you can start looking after yourself.
jayo i really reasonated with what you wrote,just wanted to thank you….its odd seeing someone else write what i think…..as if you put words to my unexpressed emotions….
i know exactly how hard it is to walk away….but there is no other alternative is there?
like you said…….they are mentally ill…and if you continue to let them into your life you will be dragged down into their self destruction,toxic pit of dispair.:(
your right..love is about mutual respect,trust and honesty….thank you for letting me hear that tonight…i needed to.
I am still reeling over my breakup with a psychopath whom I thought was the love of my life. This man came into my life 7 years ago. He was everything I needed at the time. My husband and I were having marital problems, and he listened and understood. He said all the right things. He said I was beautiful, and he was very persistent. Before I knew it,he was saying he loved me, that I was his soulmate, and that he wanted to spend his life with me, and I found myself head over heels in love with him.
He promised me so much. Said I was the love of his life. Said he would take care of me. I bought every line. I ignored all the red flags…his pushing the relationship to quickly, his controlling ways, and his horrible temper. I overlooked it all because I was starved for affection and love, and that is exactly what he showered me with…at first.
I have believed with all my heart that this man truly loved me. Even after catching him in so many lies. He said he was seperated and going through a divorce. I find out he’s still living with her and they are not divorced. He was a master at explaining everything away, and I wanted to believe so bad.
Everyone told me to be careful, but I defended him to the end. Now it is 7 years later. 7 years of my life gone. My marriage was broken up because my husband discovered the affair. I have 2 daughters that had to go through having their family split apart. I have so much guilt for hurting them. I have lost basically everything, and I am having to start my life over at 42.
He disappeared from my life a month ago. Just gone. I was devastated and almost suicidal. I spent two weeks in hell before he called. I didn’t answer so he came to my work. Of course he had a reason for the disappearance which ended up being my fault. He begged and pleaded and promised he would never do it again. He assured me of his pending divorce…even had papers! However after all the pain I had been through I was reluctant to believe him, but once again I desperatly wanted to. I told him to call me when his divorce was final, and at first he agreed. The next day the calls started, and before I knew it we were back to talking, saying I love you, and planning a wonderful future together. I refused to see him though. After a week and a half of his reassurance and empty promises and just enough time for me to get back on the hook, he has disappeared again. Friday will be a week.
I am once again destroyed. I feel like he killed me and then brought me to back to life only to kill me again. The pain is horrible. After reading other posts, I am convinced that he is a psychopath. I don’t know how to move past my guilt and all the people I have hurt because of my bad choices. And to top it off, I still love him. I realize I am in love with a man who does not truly exist, and I am hanging on to a future that was a lie. My entire life for the past 7 years has been a lie. How do I recover from this?
Aj, first of all I’ll say our stories are very similar and I will assure you just by what you wrote he IS IS IS a psychopath. The love bombing, the lying, the covering, the empty promises, the stonewalling(silent treatment) the the reverting back. He has ALL the stages covered!! 100%
So now that you know (and keep reading to feel sure its liberating and amazing when you find similarities) you need to start to make the choice to recover(Donna told me that personally) I’ll post a link that she posted to me a little while ago.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/07/30/after-the-sociopath-make-a-decision-to-recover/
Also, its OK to still love him I’ve learned. Because we are loving, caring, empaths we don’t have the ability like them to just “shut it off” we have FEELINGS that are REAL! So its ok! Don’t try to shut it off. just feel it and make the choice to move on.
I’m only about 3 months out(well really the end has been about a year long process) but I have made that “choice” for about 3 months and slowly seems to be working…..
Oh aj. My heart goes out to you. Here’s what I have to share with you. Firstly, the pain you are feeling is known to so many of us here. That terrible physical and mental anguish. It will not last aj, it feels almost unbearable in the aftermath of their discard or our discovery of their lies, or after violence. However. Hang on to some tried and tested solutions that have helped many of us to survive until the pain becomes manageable. Firstly, from all you have told in your post you are clearly dealing with an exploitative, manipulative individual with no honour or integrity. This person has knowingly and deliberately harmed you, your family and disrespected his own wife for years. This is NOT someone who is going to have a radical change of personality. People rarely change radically. Personality disordered narcissists and psychopaths cannot experience the anguish you are experiencing aj because they don’t have thnoe capacity to empathise with . another’s pain nor do they feel any remorse if they caused the pain. So firstly, hang on to what this man has done and accept he will not change this will help you commit to the vital first step towards managing the pain and protecting yourself going forward so you can begin to heal from this nightmare…NO CONTACT!! Put this into effect right now, today. No calls. No email. No texts. No agreeing to meet. No answering the door if he shows up. Get a call blocking and text blocking app on your phone if you have a smart phone these apps are free . Filter emails from his adresses to a ‘bin’ email that you set up for that purpose so you don’t see them . Better, filter to delete immediately so you won’t be able to read them. My abuser stalks me so I filter his email to an archive. Show him you mean business. Show him through your actions that his days of abusing you are finished and that you see him as he is. End it. Then the pain lessens. With time. Peace and love to you aj. Let out the feelings here. You aren’t alone.
Thank you so much for the support. I am still in shock and denial, and my heart is so broken. I am not contacting him in any way. I feel like the only thing I have going for me is the fact that as far as he knows, I don’t give a damn that he’s gone. Over the past 7 years we have “broken up” many times. It has always been of his doing. He would have an overreaction to something absolutely ridiculous and would disappear on me. In the beginning he would only disappear for a few hours before he was begging and pleading and crying and apologizing wanting to reconcile. Every time after that he would go longer and longer. This past time being 2 full weeks.
The thing is is that when he got ready to reconcile, by God he had to have his way. It was never if I wanted to reconcile. He would be ice cold…Jeckyl and Hyde, not answering the phone or replying to texts…until HE was ready. Then he would blow up my phone with calls and texts. He would threaten to come to my house when my children and husband were home if I didn’t talk to him. He would come to my work, show up at the grocery story, the gym where my daughters do cheer, and even pull up next to me at red lights! Then it was all apologies and I love yous and I promise to never yell at you, hang up on you, blah blah blah again, and I bought it every time! The good times were so amazing, unlike anything I had ever known, but the bad were so bad.
How could I be so stupid? He used to make me promise him that I would never leave him and say that he would love me forever and, “I will never let you go.” He said if I ever slept with another man he would kill them. I always thought he was just being dramatic…now I’m not so sure. He had a very violent side…his profession is one in which he can be violent and abusive on a daily basis and get away with it. He has no empathy for anyone, I don’t think, even though he faked it pretty well.
This time is different. I think he waited 2 weeks this past breakup hoping I would forget what a jerk he had been. I think he thought I would be missing him so much that I would let him walk back into my life…no questions asked. Even though I had been talking to him, I refused to see him. He begged to take me to dinner or lunch or “just coffee”. “I just want to be near you. I need you. I realize I can’t live without you. All I’ve thought about the past two weeks is our life together and how I can’t be without you.” But I still refused to see him. Now I am convinced he was using me for sex, and that since I refused to see him he gave up trying. I think that’s why he disappeared this time, and I think I won’t ever hear from him again. I bet his wife doesn’t even know anything and there is no divorce.
It’s all so sick because after everything my heart still wants to hear from him. I want him to tell me it’s all a mistake! Then my life would make sense again. My head tells me it’s really over this time that he is gone for good. That he threw me away like he would toss garbage. My friend, whose been with me through it all, says he will be back because that’s what he’s done for seven years. She thinks he’s dangerous and that when he said he would never let me go he meant it. I don’t know what to think. Nothing he ever did or could ever do would seem “out of character” for him. I just want the pain to lessen so I can function and get on with my life, but it seems like it gets worse.
Aj, he will NEVER be sorry or realize who you really are or any mistakes he’s made. He needs to find a way to blame everything on you. I KNOW it hurts but it DOES start to go away. I learned a hard lesson about a month ago when I thought I would try ONE MORE TIME to get him to “understand” me and it ended up in a physical altercation…
Them getting upset over RIDICULOUS things is their way of projecting blame.
You are addicted and trauma bonded. Just like I was and still am. But its slowly starting to dissipate with every day. I still have bad days but the fact and pain that he completely discarded me is going away. The more I educated myself on here the more I realize that it was HIM and not ME!
aj,
Welcome to Lovefraud!No one should have to experience what we have;this site shouldn’t be necessary….but I’m so thankful that Donna set it up and that there is a place to gain the support and education to understand what happened and to take positive steps towards healing!Tea Light gave you excellent advice that has PROVEN to WORK in these situations!
My goodness… this “ditto’s” my experience. When I first posted on here and toyed with the term “sociopath” I was struggling with the definition because he didn’t do horrible things to me like I have read about on this site. But what I realized(especially since being assaulted last month) that it WOULD have eventually got to that point. Everyone’s stories started off this way and those that were married to these people for 30 years I’m sure can look back and agree is was gradual right? The writer and I are lucky to escape when we did and I am thankful for that. I certainly don’t want to undermine those who’s experiences were more drawn out and horrific. I learn so much from everyone here. Good post. Thanks
aj1201 – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m sorry you had to find us. What you are describing is a died-in-the-wool sociopath. All of the behaviors – from the love bombing to the threats – are so typical. You might want to get my book – “Red Flags of Love Fraud” – it explains how they do it, and why you fell for it. We also have 2,000 articles on this website – you’ll find lots of information and support.
The key to recovery is no contact – you have to get out of his web of deception. And these relationships are highly addictive – if you’re feeling a compulsion to contact him, that’s why. That is why No Contact is so important – it enables you to break the addiction.
You can recover. It will be messy and painful for awhile, but you can do it.
Aj, first …(((Hug))) second, you have a good friend who sees this man – correctly in my view – as a danger to your well being at the very least. You must take your friend’s concern for you seriously aj, the behaviour you describe is highly abusive. I have encountered similar behaviour. I met a man at my place of work he was and is living in another country and was not wearing a wedding ring. He appeared highly courteous, cultured, introverted. He began lovebombing me with a vengeance. It was àsix month campaign of psychological warfare- lies, (he was living with his wife and young son and telling me they lived apart and were divorcing), the same things you were told (l was the woman he had waited for all his life, I ‘belonged’ to him, I would never have another man, mine would be the last face he saw before he died etc) minimum of 3 calls àday often each an hour of him lovebdombing me till I felt totally divorced from reality, weepy, tired all the time, unable to focus at work….lovebombing is psychological abuse, it has nothing to ido with real love which goes hand in hand with compassion, respect for the other’s boundaries and preferences and all that good stuff! It is a form of mind control that these disordered people engage in to try and acheive control over us and to make us emotionally and sexually dependent on them. It is about eroding our boundaries and rending us unable to think straight, to act independently of them and their goals. Our health and peace of mind and needs NEVER matter with a man like this. The goal of my abuser was to line up a replacement for his second wife if and when she finally left him and to enjoy himself seducing and controlling me and sexually abusing me in the meantime. The more you believe the lie that they love you the weaker you remain and the less able you are to think straight and protect yourself. The lovebombing and chaos that follows ( idealising you then discarding you) creates àtoxic addiction to the abuse
as Donna and serenity say. Aj, you are going to pull through!! Be strong! Stay safe and keep posting. We’ll help you in your journey. Peace and love to you.
Tea, so funny about the love bombing as a form of abuse you’re spot on! At one point my ex had tried SO HARD to sleep with this other woman while we were going though a rough spot and his excuse was that he was “trying to move on” soooo using this poor woman(who wanted a relationship and a nice girl) just as a way to help your ego “move on” I ended up finding out through a mutual friend and her and I actually ended up chatting about it. She said it was weird that he wanted to move SO fast and was SO desperate to have a physical relationship…she did not speak to him again and after he found out we spoke he called HER and our mutual friend telling them I was irate and was going to “hurt myself” what a load!!
And most recently he found out that I had started dating someone and he was SOOOOO hurt and started blaming, projecting, and stonewalling me. I mentioned I ran into him about 3 weeks ago and he said he was hurt that I had moved on and he hadn’t….but that he is now. He was SOOOOO hurt but met someone ans is moving SO fast again…just using the next to get over the last or to hurt the last.
Lol even reverting back to his ex that he cheated on with ME!! Asking her to have more babies etc…. just DESPERATE!!!
This lyric from Woody Guthrie’s Hoping Machine is on my fridge it helps me day to day
Whatever you do, wherever you go
Don’t lose your grip on life
And that means
Don’t let any earthly calamity knock your dreamer
And your hoping machine
Out of order