Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader whom we’ll call “Eugenie.”
My sociopath got in touch through a mutual friend on Facebook. We had been at college together, although I didn’t remember him.
He was quirky, charismatic, attentive, open, romantic and respectful. We didn’t even kiss until I’d been seeing him for six weeks. Over the next few months, we went on several weekends away to European cities and to places in England —where I’m from. We saw each other about twice a week and I was happy with that. I have a busy and independent life and he appeared to have the same.
He had a history of serial adultery, a failed marriage, several failed relationships and many meaningless liaisons with many women. However, he said now that he was 51 and had met me, ‘the love of his life,’ he wanted only to be with me. I believed him!
He proposed to me on the beach in Barcelona and, strangely, I didn’t say yes. I knew he wasn’t marriage material, so I was flattered but said I’d need to have a think about it. He pursued this and insisted it would be the right thing for us both. I went along with it, but from then I think I felt a little uncomfortable.
He was living in the house of an ‘ex’ who he had a child with age 7 and he claimed it was from a ‘one night stand.’ She was German and was living in Berlin, but had kept her house in England and he was living there and looking after it, and it suited the child, who he looked after in the school holidays. Again, I believed him. I rarely stayed there, as it felt like her house rather than his.
Something wasn’t right
It was only after about a year of seeing him, with our marriage date getting nearer, that I began to realise that something wasn’t right. Whenever I questioned him, he would come up with a version of events that didn’t quite ring true, but I accepted it. I hadn’t realised that I was addicted to seeing him and would put up with discomfort in between my twice weekly ‘fix.’
Also, he was presenting himself as wealthy, he paid for everything and whenever I got too inquisitive, he would take me away for a romantic weekend. I remember one of the last weekends we were away and I could see his reflection in the window of the tram, I was quite scared as I looked at him without him knowing and felt I was with a stranger. However, again I chose to ignore my ‘gut instinct.’
Also around this time, I noticed that we kept having the same types of conversation and when I asked him about himself, he often would start asking about me. I told him that I wasn’t happy with him living in his ex’s house, but I knew I didn’t want him living with me. Also we went out just the two of us, or with my family. He said he was quite a loner and didn’t have many friends and just enjoyed my company.
Skeletons in the cupboard
Several times over the year I saw him, I told him I had this feeling that he had ‘skeletons in the cupboard,’ and asked him to be open and honest with me about himself sooner rather than later. He assured me he had nothing to hide and even told me the password to his email. I didn’t look straight away, but when I did, I found he had been sending flirty emails to a few women and one was actually coming over to see him from Ireland the following week.
When I challenged him, he came up with a story about her stalking him, he only loved me, I should trust him blah blah blah. I believed him, but was feeling more and more anxious and uncomfortable. On looking further at his email, I became suspicious that his ‘ex’ had moved back from Germany.
I asked him and he said she was in Berlin, what he didn’t know was that I was outside the house and had seen her there. I knocked and he answered and he told me she had lived there with him the whole time he’d been seeing me and, in fact they’d lived together for the past 8 years!!!!
I was SO SHOCKED I spoke with her and explained about him seeing me for over a year. I couldn’t make any sense of it. I couldn’t believe the situation which isn’t surprising as it was all one big pack of lies.
He still wants to marry me
Despite this he continued begging me to carry on, he said they weren’t sleeping together and she had actually said that to me. She said I’d been providing the missing link in their relationship and I should leave him, as she wanted him back in a full relationship. However, he was begging me to still marry him, he wanted me, I was the only person he’d ever loved. I was so confused. I didn’t see him for a week or so, but I was finding it so hard to un-love him. In the midst of all this, I discovered he’d been with the woman from Ireland for a weekend in a hotel. It had been convenient that I’d not seen him the last couple of weeks.
He was begging forgiveness, saying it was because his ‘senses were blighted’ by his love for me and he had gone to self-destruct, because he realised he’d ruined everything by lying to me. He said his heart was broken that he’d lost the love of his life and he hated himself. He begged me to see him like a fool I agreed I believed him.
Holding hands
The very next night I was in a restaurant with my sister and the weirdest thing happened. He walked in with the mother of his child holding hands —Yes —HOLDING HANDS. I nearly choked. There were no tables available so they left and I called him. He said that they were having a business meeting; he was holding hands because she’d had too much to drink blah blah.
Anyway, I dragged my sister to another restaurant about an hour later as I suspected he was there and YES the two of them were there. At this stage I was in a state of numbness and disbelief. I approached him, when she had gone to the bathroom, and he told me that they were ending their relationship over a meal and I really shouldn’t be there. I was leaving before she came back to the table, but she’d seen me and called me over.
He said he couldn’t deal with it and went outside to talk with my sister. I talked to his partner and she was very protective and defensive. When I told her he had been with me the night before and was begging me to have him, she looked shocked but asked me to leave him alone for the sake of their child. I agreed to this, as I knew I couldn’t carry on.
She has since seen the evidence of his deceit with me on his phone and emails and has kicked him out of her house. She also told me that she was financially supporting him as he was having business problems. She said she knew he’d had affairs before, but this was different, as he’d been away with me for holidays and it had been relatively long term.
I walked away
He told me that he’d never expected to ‘fall in love’ with me, and he thought it would be one of his usual two-month liaisons. He’d got himself tangled up with his lies and couldn’t deal with it all. He wanted to move in with me, but I said NO. I found it SO HARD, but I’ve had to walk away. A week later an article in an English newspaper directed me to Lovefraud.com. It has been a godsend. Without it, I think I would have been drawn back to his sordid life of deceit.
Because of the evidence staring me in the face from his email and from him appearing with his partner, I don’t think I could have believed the scale of his lies. From the moment he met me he started lying, and has been continuing until two days ago, when he has still been saying I’m the only one he’s ever loved etc etc. It’s only because I’ve threatened to tell his partner that he’s stopped for now.
So it was only actually 5 weeks ago that I uncovered this web of deceit and it has been SO PAINFUL. I’ve felt suicidal at times. I’ve questioned myself and my whole belief system. I knew somewhere in me from the start that things weren’t right, but was so low in my own self-esteem that I was not prepared to listen to myself, but was prepared to listen to the biggest LIAR I’ve eve met. I was angry with him and myself. I’ve realised that there is no point in talking to him, as EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, it rolls off his silver tongue.
I’ve begun to heal
On a positive note, I have begun to heal in that short time. He’s not taken me for any money, he’s just taken some of my self respect and he never turned nasty. He was a ‘nice sociopath.’ I’ve had to work hard, but I am moving forward and the pain is lessening. For the first three weeks or so, I was shaking, not eating, totally in shock. But I’m not prepared to let him ruin my life. I can see that the Universe/God was having to give me very strong messages:
- Always trust your instincts
- I loved the man I believed him to be, but he was simply reflecting back to me the character traits in me. All traits that I like and admire. I had them all along.
- I let him into my life because I wanted the easy way. I wanted him to provide love and nurturing. All things I should have been giving myself.
So now, I’m being kind to myself, but pushing myself out of my comfort zone just a little each day. I’ve been amazed at the progress I’m making and at the people I’ve attracted into my life. They were there, but I hadn’t appreciated them when I was with him. I wanted him to ‘fix’ me. I know I have to take responsibility for my own life and I feel I’ve had a ‘lucky escape.’ I don’t want another relationship for a while, I need to sort my relationship with myself out first. It’s been such a learning experience to know there are so many spaths out there. Thanks to all on Lovefraud.com
Dear aj,
welcome to this site, it has helped me so much. It’s only been 6 weeks since I last saw my ex. Since then I’ve been through pain like I’ve never experienced and total confusion – my brain simply couldn’t believe that I’d been fooled by someone with a cruel mental illness for over a year!! I’ve blocked him everywhere apart from text – problem on blackberry. He’s still texting about how much he loves me, can’t get over me etc….
Donna’s book and a book called ‘Pyschopaths and the Women who love them’ by Susan Brown have helped me enormously to understand the Socio/Psychopath and their methods. It is only by educating myself on this that I can see him for what he is, a shallow predator unable to feel emotions like I do.
I now realise there is NO POINT in even communicating with him, he cannot understand me any better than I can understand his way of being. I thought about him constantly at first and was desperate to be proved wrong and get back to how we were, but now I realise that was all fantasy, he was using his techniques to get what he wanted from me.
He showed all the red flgs that Donna mentions – love bombing, the stare, flattery, lying, pity play, pushing to get married etc…there can be no doubt that he is a sociopath. He was living with someone else the whole time – classic behaviour from what I can see on this website. They hate to be alone.
You’re doing the right thing not contacting, I’ve only had no contact for just over a week. But without educating myself on their behaviour, I think I’d have gone back to him. I was addicted to the excitement and passion I felt with him, but he wasn’t real. He was fake – even now as I write I find it hard to believe that people like him exist. I was in such shock when I realised all this – I couldn’t function on any level.
I’ve read that they like strong women who they find at difficult time in their lives. They may have had a loss or be lonely and that makes good prey. I found it so difficult to understand how I could have been taken in – I’ve always been such a good judge of character and very intuitive – but he hooked me in and got me under his spell at a tough point in my life. Friends said that when they saw me after I’d been with him, I wasn’t ‘present’, it was like he entranced me. I didn’t listen at the time, I thought it meant I was in love!!
i will always listen to friends in the future and listen to my gut instinct. I did always have the feeling that something didn’t add up.
aj, the pain does pass, I am proof of that. I know I have a way to go, but the crippling, debilitating feelings of loss have gone. I know I’m a strong person and will look back on this period of my life as a gift which has made me realise I need to give myself all the things that the Spath refelcted back to me – love, nurturing and self-belief. It was a tough way to learn this lesson, but I wouldn’t have listened any other way.
Big love to you all
Thank you so much for all the support. Reading about your experiences, and hearing that it does get better, helps so much because at times the pain is still overwhelming. I havn’t had any contact for exactly one week today, and I don’t believe I will hear from him ever again. It feels like he not only deceived and abused me for 7 years, but now he has left me. It’s like one final slap in the face. Part of me wants him to contact me so that I can reject him and feel like I ended things, but I know myself and the pattern well enough to know that I don’t know if I could be that strong. I want to think I would be strong enough to resist, but I would probably once again believe all his lies and let him back into my life all the time knowing it would only be a matter of time before he would change his mind and toss me again.
The hardest part is that there are good memories EVERYWHERE! We both live in the same city, and it’s not that big. So every white Explorer that I see on the road makes my heart stop. It seems as if there are ghosts everywhere. Everything I see and everywhere I go reminds me of him. When I am out, I get panicky. It may sound crazy, but he was in constant contact with me, always wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. He would say he was protective of me and worried about me. He wanted to know I was always safe, and I believed him. Then I started to realize that when he disappeared on me, he didn’t worry about me anymore. How is that possible? If worry and care about someone is genuine, does it come and go? Now I don’t think it had anything to do with anything other than him keeping tabs on me. He would text and call me probably 20-30 times a day easily, and if I didn’t respond or answer he would want to know why. He would say, if you don’t let me know you are ok and where you are, how can I protect you? Sometimes I would be in the grocery store or some other store,and this feeling would come over me. I would look around and there he would be! And I have to say, being protected and loved that much felt sooooo good especially since my husband was the total oposite. But it was all a charade. I realize that now.
But old habits die hard. I am so used to calling him (because he told me to) when I leave work, calling him when I get home, calling him if I leave the house again, calling him before I go to bed at night, and in between all that, having him call me many times a day. I miss it, even though I tell myself he was doing it for control not love.
He was my best friend…I thought. I told him everything. We laughed and talked about everything and nothing. I thought our connection was so deep. I don’t see how that can be faked. I can not fathom it. I miss the friendship. But with every day that passes that I don’t hear from him, the truth becomes clearer. Why would you just walk away from “the love of your life, the woman you want to spend your life with”? You wouldn’t.
It’s like I am having to find myself again because I was so wrapped up in him. I stopped doing things I enjoyed, going places I liked to go, and hanging out with friends all because the crap he would put me through after just wasn’t worth it. He would say “Where did you go? Who was there? Did any guys hit on you? Did you flirt with anyone? Who did you talk to? Why did you stay so long?”. The questioning was relentless. If I said anything that he didn’t like or that upset him, there was hell to pay. To say that he would throw a tantrum identicle to that of a 3 year old is an understatement, and I would be the one who would end up apologizing to him in order to make things right between us again. I’m not saying he never apologized because he was the KING of apologies…tears and all…academy award winning performance!
So thank you for listening to me. Getting it all out makes it real, and it helps me to remember that things weren’t so wonderful. I’m starting to see the relationship for what it was…a complete illusion.
Jayo, it’s wonderful to read that you are feeling less debiliated by your traumatic realisation that your ex partner has sociopathic traits. You’re doing great. It’s been 6months since I last saw my abuser and nearly 8 weeks since I rang him and yelled at him in anger and despair to stop texting calling and sending things. I am still having to work hard to keep my focus on protecting myself with no contact and I like to come to LF very regularly still so I do not ever forget what he is . You are being so strong and resilient , don’t ever let him back in to harm you again! Peace and love
Eugenie-
People who lie to you in order to have sex with you or elicit love from you are not your friend. They are committing rape-by-fraud and emotional rape. The reason victims become depressed and suicidal is that an insidious form of rape has happened to them, and they feel defiled.
Predators who behave this way are not attracted to you for all the reasons they claim. They simply know what you want to hear and what will get your approval. Psychopaths, sociopaths, and others with Anti-Social Personality Disorders are taking what they want, and giving false hopes in return for caring, kindness and sex. It takes a special type of depravity to behave that way.
If you reverse the role in your mind between you and the predator, you’ll begin to see just how depraved the behavior actually is. The seducer is an actor, performing on a stage and carrying out a form of sexual perversion through their charade. What the victim is to them is not the audience. They are their own audience. We’re merely their props and end up feeling dehumanized when we learn the truth.
Often the truth is such an overwhelming shock that our minds try to keep reality from hitting us hard by closing our eyes and pretending there was validity in their seduction. A Betrayal Bond, an unhealthy attachment to a predator, is a mind’s way of masking the pain.
You are fortunate that a child did not result from your relationship. The poor woman who’s house he lives in will have to deal with him for her entire lifetime.
What you now know is that predators of this type truly exist, and that knowledge will help protect you from falling prey in the future. You simply fell into a predator’s path. It doesn’t mean that all men are predators.
It is extremely difficult to separate from a predator once a loving bond is established. He continues to sound as he always did, smell as he always did, look as he always did, and more. What takes effort to part with is your sense of being a loved self. And that interest in continuing to be a loved self can easily draw you back, regardless that you know the truth. What you need to recognize is that your love for yourself is far more relevant and important to your well being than the false love that this charlatan tricked you into believing.
Betrayal Bonds keep us glued as readily as bonds of love. If you have difficulty breaking a betrayal bond, seek help.
Joyce
Joyce… you just nailed something for me so thank you. I was “raped’ many times by my exspath…..I contracted an STD about a few months after we met. I found out and contacted the 2 people I slept with before him and did the right thing my asking them…. They both INNEDIATELY went and got tested and called me within days saying they were clean….my exspath said he was clean too….but the night I found out about it and devastated he came over and wanted to have SEX!!! I realize now it was because HE was the one who HAD it!! All along! and made mee feel like a dirty slut! Using it as a way to ask who I had been with…. so sick
And one night he checked my phone while I was sleeping. Woke up, we had sex, THEN he brought up the things he read on my phone that made him angry!! AFTER the sex!
Anyway thanks for the perspective….
When a person gives you incorrect biographical information about themselves in order to seduce you, they are defrauding you for sex… that’s rape-by-fraud. Telling you he’s healthy when he’s not gives you incorrect biographical information. There are probably other things you believe to be true about this man that are not accurate. Predators who are capable of lying to elicit sex often lie about a multiple of things. So if you felt defiled by this man, it’s little wonder.
Now it’s up to you to make sure you don’t fall for another charlatan!
Emotional Rape and Rape by Fraud is exactly what has happened to me. Thanks Joyce for explaining that. It makes sense of the nonsense of the lies and betrayal from him.
The message in all this has been that I have to change and free myself from the limiting beliefs that I’ve held all my life. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love simply for being me, that I had to earn love. I believed that nobody wanted me, that I wasn’t worhty of happiness.
The message from the relationship with the Spath has forced me into acknowledging these beliefs and letting them go. All I have done for the last 6 weeks since I untangled myself is to try to grow. I’ve read everything I can about Socio/Pscyhopaths and this website has been so helpful. ( I’ve also cried a lot and hit a lot of cushions)
Every day I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but in a gentle way and I’ve been rewarded with new friends, new experiences and most of all new belief in myself. I can see that I’m okay, that I don’t need to look for others love to fill the black hole of emptiness I’ve felt in the past from not being good enough.
I feel calm and positive about the future, I’ve only just begun and finally, I know I’m good enough
Jayo (Eugenie)
I’m so glad to have been of some help to you Jayo!
Sometimes knowing there’s a name for something helps us come to grips with it. Beforehand, we just have disjointed feelings that could overwhelm us. Once we know what it is, we can plan a path of recovery.
My personal thought about recovery is that we have to accept that we can never go back. We can never regain our not raped selves. What we can do is use our new found knowledge to keep us safe in the future. And the concept that we have a say in keeping ourselves safe is empowering.
Sounds like you could use some help staying positive about yourself. Make sure to get plenty of sleep and exercise to maintain a positive frame of mind. Get out and do things you enjoy and stay away from folks who try to talk you down.
jm_short,
It is interesting to read how spaths can be their own audience!They enjoy acting that much…that they’re able to entertain themselves…but the problem being that it’s to the detriment of others!My husband always bragged about what a good actor he is!
Even now,he is trying to prove what a “spiritual man” he is,because he knows that is what means the most to me.However,I’m not fooled.He’s known for years how God expects man to treat his wife.How can he think he has God’s approval?
Blossom that man has some serious soul searching and asking with humility for forgiveness. Until then, he can turn up to church all he likes. It means nothing without asking for your and your daughters’ forgiveness. He’s kidding himself. But God isn’t falling for it any more than you are. Shame on him.
Tea Light,
The “spiritual act” my husband is putting on would really bother me if it weren’t for the fact that I know God reads hearts and I have the faith and confidence that this situation is well taken care of;whether now or later.
Blossom, I’m sure you are right! My abuser you might remember took the election of Pope Francis as an opportunity to make unwanted contact with me by text and email, that is with me the woman he lied to about being married , married that id to a devout catholic, married asin in a catholic religious ceremony where you commit yourself permanently and vow not to be unfaithful. His exact words? Habimus Papum darling I miss you so much and wanted to share this special moment with you. His wifewwas probably cooking his dinner at the time, opening a window of opportunity for him to sneak to the computer and craft his nauseating little lovebomb. Do they KNOW what hypocrite even means Blossom ????!?!!
Tea Light,
I don’t know about all sociopaths,but my husband has had the advantage of having all the information that I do,when it comes to spiritual matters.So he knows EXACTLY what hypocrite means and how the word originated!Either he just doesn’t CARE or doesn’t see it as being applicable to his behavior!Maybe it’s a bit of both!
Maybe this sounds crazy,but I almost would rather my husband were unfaithful than holding me prisoner in a loveless marriage!He knows as long as he doesn’t commit adultery,we are married in God’s eyes.
blossom4th,
A long time ago when I was married to the psychopath, I thought like you do. I was saved by a book named Life is for Loving by Eric Butterworth, a Unity Minister. He said that it is more immoral to stay in a loveless marriage than to leave it.
A marriage made by deciet is not a marriage made by God. Think about our loving God, do you really mean that you think you are, or ever were, married in God’s eyes if he decieved you into thinking he was something he is not.
I was treated like and felt like a whore in that so called marriage where I thought I was trapped. I knew it felt wrong but I was confused by my own values. He had no values. It takes two people with values to make a marriage and a psychopath has none. There is no way that a marriage to a psychopath could ever be a marriage made in heaven.
A marriage to a psychopath cannot ever be a real mrriage, it can only be a psychopath taking a hostage using our values to trap us in an illusion of marriage. They even decieve the church in making a vow that they know they can never keep. But God is not decieved. God is never decieved.
Now I have been married for 30 years to a man who I love and loves me back and treats me with respect. That is a marriage made in heaven. It is my only marriage. The other was a hoax perpetrated on me by evil incarnate.
I hope you find the wisdom and courage to free yourself from this deception.