Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Roger,
The part of this whole disgusting and sad story that more than sticks out at me is the way you describe her calmness, and her having moved on as if this whole thing transpired in another lifetime. When really it was just weeks ago. Diane Downs (spelling?) appeared the same way in interviews after killing her children. Even smiled when she described how much blood there was in the back seat.
I have experienced this too and it was SO shocking. When one day they look at you with the most connected expressions of love, and the next they are strange creatures who look at you with the eyes of a reptile.
Roger, I am sorry about your aching heart and blown mind. This is an awesome place to keep perspective, learn how to handle your self in the face of this challenge, and to heal. I hope you will stick around and let this community provide you support.
I am also really sorry for the babies. Imagine THAT for a mother.
Welcome to Love Fraud, Roger and I’m sorry you “qualify for our club” but sounds like you sure do in spades!
I see this whole thing as a “meal ticket” episode. She is calm because she has gotten what she wanted and that’s a meal ticket for the next 18 years, a ticket to the “drama rama” as well as she can blow off the lucky “loser” in the paternity test and milk the “winner” like a good Jersey cow for all the cream in his life.
Roger,
there is a good chance that they are NOT your children.
I hope so. Spaths are never happy with just one or two partners. They will screw anything.
Oxy is right that she probably chose you as a meal ticket for child support, so be VERY alert and make sure she doesn’t work some angle to cheat on that paternity test. My own spath actually befriended all the cops in 2 counties (including the sheriff of one county and the mayor’s middle aged daughter in another) just to make sure that he could use them against me. Never underestimate the spath’s ability to find authority figures that they can suck up to and coerce! It’s mind boggling.
If it turns out that you do have to co-parent with her, do NOT give her any emotions. There is an article in here about Gray Rock and how to use it.
Roger;
You are in a very difficult emotional situation. All of us here feel for and are through our own unfortunate experiences, uniquely qualified to provide support, some of which may be difficult to hear.
I will go one step further than Skylar and contend that neither you nor her “boyfriend” is the father. She will string both of you for as long as possible.
I would demand an amniosentesis paternity test asap. She won’t agree, but that would be strong indication she knows you are not the father.
When she finally does consent to a paternity test, treat it as a legal matter. As Skylar said, sociopaths cannot be trusted and will go to extraordinay ways to have their way. Get a lawyer and tell the lawyer you want test results that you can trust.
BBE and Roger, because there is a SMALL chance that an amniosentesis test which is invasive can cause a miscarriage or kill one or both babies they will NOT do one for ONLY paternity reasons. It is only done for medical reasons.
The truth of the matter will come out soon enough under any circumstance and a test made through a legitimate agency can be trusted as there is a chain of custody on the samples.
I would get an attorney NOW though so that he can guide you through the possibilities on custody and child support before it becomes a big issue.
BBE and Roger,
yes, that is what I was alluding to, there’s no reason to believe that she is sticking to just two sex partners. In fact, it’s doubtful. They just don’t do that. Only 2? never.
Oxy, I understand what you mean by the chain of custody, but you can’t put anything past a spath. I mean, from my own experience, you would think that the elected Sheriff in my county would not get involved in a silly domestic “love” triangle situation, just for shits and giggles, right? uh huh. yep. When they came to my house “looking” for me because they thought I was murdered by the spath, they never got a search warrant, never went into the house, never did anything except call me on my phone, leaving messages and trying to get me to call back. WTF? And apparently, they brandished some automatic weapons and pointed them at him, but I’m not sure about that. So my point is, never, ever think any one is above being used by the spath.
Roger, If she suspects that you will have any doubt about paternity, she will put several things/people in motion to derail you from finding out the truth. Right now, the truth is, SHE probably doesn’t know who the father is. Your best bet is to play along, pretend you still want to be with her, pretend you are so excited about the children, pretend, pretend, pretend!
And just a tip about how the spaths lie believably: they believe their own lies. They have vivid imaginations so it’s easy for them. Just try to keep up. Remember, when a spath’s mouth is moving, she’s lying.
Roger, I’m not saying this to hurt you more, God knows, but maybe she WASN’T using a false name for her other two-time romp when she told her ex bf. She is more likely than not having sex with multiple partners, beyond just you two.
These spaths do screw a lot. The dirtbag I endured didn’t discriminate, either, and I did get an STD. This pig said I must have screwed around on him. Oh my Jesus, they will say anything. They will do anything. Don’t put anything past this woman.
I pray you get over your feelings for her. I can see now that I was addicted to the ex spath, but not in love. I say that because I never respected him, never trusted him, and I didn’t even like the bastard. He repulsed me but I was addicted. I could not have truly loved him. I was in love with the thought of being in love with a soulmate. This was all a lie, though. He lied about being my soulmate. That’s what they do best and worst, they lie.
You’ll get to the point sometime in your future with her when you go through the anger phase. This is a very cleansing phase. It will jump start your healing. Embrace the anger, Roger, but don’t let it consume you or it will turn into hate and that will delay your recovery.
Stay on lovefraud. God bless you.
Roger,
Hi. I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I know how painful it can be.
I’m glad to see more men LF bloggers lately.. It’s a different perspective and eye opener. Welcome!
My input is a little different. Inspire of the shock and pain you still have a few months to cope, think and learn before children that may or may not be yours comes into this world.
I would go nc immediately. Do not go to the appointments with her. She clearly has someone else there who will do it. I’m sorry because I know how much that must hurt.
If she pity ploys you, ect. Remain strong! You do not need tp be cruel. I know it’s easier said than done.
Once your little ones are born get the DNA.. If requested by her or not to clear up any confusion you might have.
The goodness you still see in her does not exist. If the result comes back that you are not the father thank god. If you are the father and are a good man who will be in for some truely painful stuff.
Spend some time right now really thinking things over… It will be more difficult once the kids arrive if you don’t know where you stand.
It’s hard and painful and even if you are not the father it will hurt Luke hell I’m sure.
Keep reading. This is an awesome site.
Ox;
I do understand the problems with amniocentesis. I would be interested in her reaction, as sociopaths tend to overreact when confronted, particularly when being unmasked. But you are correct, this will all be sorted out in time an Roger does need a good attorney, for a variety of reasons.
Roger;
The first part of your story is remarkably similar to mine. I need to get ready for a mountain bike ride and will be gone all day, but when I return, I will post more, including why I am now grateful that I chose *not* to take the friends approach, especially after reading the second part of your story.