Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Roger, thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to this life-saving forum.
There is one good aspect of this whole nasty mess: you are not bound to her by a contract of marraige! If you are not paternally bound to her, RUN LIKE THE WIND, and try to never look back.
Double life – yeah…Being blindsided is such a betrayal of epic proportions.
Brightest blessings, Roger.
Roger,
There is nothing good about this creature. What you thought was good was a facade. Good does not exist within them. They only mimic the emotion that you and I feel naturally. Please do not forget that for a second no matter what she says or does going forward.
As I’ve said before,psychopaths don’t cheat. They carry on full-blown relationships with more than one person at a time. They always inevitably screw up and get caught, and it always seems like they wanted to get caught or they simply can’t understand what took so long for the people involved to find out…how stupid you must be. I learned with mine that the only time he lifted me up into the clouds was a means of distracting me from what he was deceptively doing behind my back every time he stepped out the door.
You obviously have two choices here if you find out these children are yours.
One, play her at her own game. You cannot, and I mean absolutely cannot, have any emotional attachment to her any longer under any circumstances. She doesn’t need to know that, but YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT. You have to look at her for what she is, a shell of a human being incapable of feeling any type of meaningful emotion. She is devoid of that capability and ALWAYS will be. They don’t change no matter what travesties occur in their lives, no matter what they stand to lose. They do not care. And her pregnancy was nothing but part of her grand scheme to financially profit in some way, whether with you or someone else. She doesn’t want children. She wants money and someone to provide for her. It’s called an entitlement complex.
Your second choice is to walk away completely. That’s obviously a tough one and maybe even an impossible one for you if they’re your children. It would be impossible for me in that case. But you will have the legal system on your side because she will be a horrible mother. You need to document everything and do everything you can to provide proof of her behavior that will clearly be detrimental to these children. It’s a horrible environment that any psychopath provides for a child, so use that to your advantage if you’re prepared to eventually get custody. But it is a shot in the dark, no pun intended, that they’re yours. I’m sure, like all psychopaths, she had multiple partners at the time she was involved with you.
I am so truly sorry for what you have to look forward to no matter what road you choose to venture down, but you have a lot of people here that have been to hell and back and made it out alive. You will, too. Keep your head and take things day by day. If you find out these kids aren’t yours, run for the hills and don’t ever look back. It’s really like saying goodbye to the devil. It’s really very easy once you understand what she’s done up to this point is child’s play compared to what you’d have to look forward to. It just gets worse and worse and worse and worse
Am I right, everyone? Amen.
Roger,
As I read your story, it is clear that a situation like what you describe could bring any man to his knees.
I am sorry to hear of it.
The children are fortunate that both of you want to know who they belong to.
Fatherhood is an important role in a child’s life.
And fathers are finding their way more and more to better rights when it comes to situations like this. I am sure you will find those support groups and resources on the web. They are out there.
And you may find you are not alone.
You are not alone in this company who all share they experience with s’s or p’s. Even though our stories are different, we understand because of them, what you are going through.
Breathe. Its the first step in any undertaking.
Roger,
I agree with many others that there is a good chance that the twins aren’t yours. If not, thank your lucky stars and RUN!! You’ve been blessed.
Also on your side is not being married. If they are your children, DO NOT marry her.
It’s almost a given that she will be a horrible mother, so if they are yours, hopefully you’re up for the challenge. I’d say it’s very likely that you will (could) get sole custody, because it probably won’t be difficult to prove her ill fit, negligent, etc… but even better for you. Here’s why… you can bet that any MONEY you pay her for child support will very likely RARELY get spent on the kids. She will neglect them and spend the money on herself and her selfish activities. So in that event I would go for sole custody and any money you would ever have been required to pay her, just use it for help (childcare) for yourself.
Wishing you the best.
All the great advice and reaching out to Roger – it inspires me.
Athena
Dear Roger,
I concur with everyone who has posted above me. It is a sick twist of fate when you find you have been duped by a sociopath.
They are capable of everything.
I do feel for you. You do need to have a DNA test to make sure those babies are yours. If they are then make the best of what you can to raise them and care for them in YOUR custody.
A spath is not capable of any love no matter how much they project to you their caring nature.
From the start she mirrored your qualities. She is an empty shell.
How do I know this??? I am a woman who was married to that empty shell for 25 plus years!
Dear Roger, I feel so bad for you kid. Like I’ve been saying right along this needs to be taught in school. If it was many of us would be on the lookout for this from the get-go. As others have said, a DNA test at birth would put this to rest. Don’t sign paternity papers till you’re satisfied your the father and as others have said. Don’t marry her. I married mine very naively.
I was a naive kid of 24 and I never knew these species of incubi existed.
I was in for the long haul and a one way ticket to hell. As others have said, they the spaths often have multiple sexual partners and are capable of juggling multiple lovers with neither of them the wiser. Mine had lover’s at the bar and on weekends visited a rich heiress who he eventually left me for.
I thought mine was leaving me for a local barmaid but stupid me; he was using her to get free drinks. He was sleeping with her, a married woman, the heiress and me. Some of it I found out after we divorced, some info many years later. Back in the day when you went for counseling they never told you that you were the victim of a sociopath. At least the ones I saw never did. Since the internet people are becoming more educated.
Mine brought me home an STD but luckily it was curable. I naively went to my family doctor and he told me what I had. He also said: Whatever you do don’t get pregnant by the b*%&*@.......#$.
He probably knew what he was but never told me. My lawyer was also hip to it more so than the therapist’s. As a matter of fact I believe it was my lawyer who told me I was dealing with a “sociopath.” He had seen numerous cases of it from other clients.
Mine was a real douche bag although stunningly handsome and he put on a first class act to win the heiress and her family going to another state even. She had no idea about me or the fact we were married and his wicked mother never told me about the fact he was a diagnosed spath and had been previously married. She never even told the heiress he had just discarded his wife in another state.
Be that as it may as others have said, if the kids are not yours run for the hills and never look back. If they are, you may have to take custody of them at some future point so if you marry look for a woman who is agreeable to raising them. Spaths do make lousy neglectful parents and many kids die or are abused at their hand. You may spend a few years dealing with her before this happens but expect the worst.
For you men folks out there godlike productions has a thread forum for men that have been victimized by female sociopaths and this is the link:
http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message934460/pg2
Good Luck and I’m sorry this happened to you kid.
Joanie123
Regarding there being more partners more than me and the other guy, it is plausible but not likely. One good thing that came out of hours of conversing with her other lover was just how many lies and how deep the rabbit hole went. But put everything aside one thing remained constant she always had “him” as a backup as they had been on and off now for over 5 years. By accident i even mentioned other guys i had known about her dating when me and her were just friends, it turns out we verified through dates and pics etc and she was indeed living with him in a full relationship at the time. So this is definitely not the first time living a double life. Ok regarding the name that she told to him as the baby’s father was actually my middle name, as my middle name is a much more common name than my first so he wouldn’t be able to find me on FB..etc. Regarding the paternity test I was going to do a different procedure using the mothers blood but found out with twins would most likely come back inconclusive. But at the beginning she agreed and was calm and even wanted to go get it done. I dont believe there were more partners or she just sleeps with whomever. She deliberately brainwashed this guy into believing she was single and so he came after her with a vengeance. She never really had him the way she wanted him as he told me he never fully trusted her for some reason. So I believe her way to make him believe he was in love with her was to break things off with him so callously as she did to me. Well it did he spent 8 months trying to get her back and even accepted her back pregnant with someone elses twins for crying out loud. She is extremely good at manipulating in fact i would say the best ive ever witnessed, a mastermind! Soon the kids will be born and we will have the paternity test so the truth will unfold. I am emotionally ready for whatever becomes reality obviously if they are not my kids it would be much easier! but my gut tells me otherwise. Time will tell. Thanks everyone for their comments, stories, suggestions without a doubt waking up and knowing that your life was a lie is the harshest reality to face. It’s almost like the movie “Vanilla Sky”
Roger~ she might have convinced you and the other guy that she was only doing the two of you, and you are clearly convinced of this, but the POINT I think everyone was trying yo make is that you should not put ANYTHING past her. I can speak for other people who comment here that sociopaths lie for a living. We can see through our experiences that there were far more lies uncovered with time than we realized.
In any case, I cant say for sure she’s a sociopath. Maybe a narcissist. If the kids are yours, good luck.
Woundlicker, psychopath, narcissist, doesn’t matter, she is a master manipulator. She is toxic