Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Toxic, yes, but I said Roger cannot believe everything as it looks now. More likely than not there will be additional lies that reveal themselves in the future.
That being said, this sounds more to me like a woman, divorced, afraid to commit, finding two guys she has feelings for and a lot in common with. Confused of which way to go, which of the two realationships to pursue. Of course she lied and decieved!! She was having an affair with two different guys!!
Roger pursued her sexually. If she had a man and was flirting with Roger, it sounds like from his side of the story that she wasn’t interested so much in taking the fun they were having to the next level.
Now pregnant she chooses the man she was with first instead of the father of her twins. He and daddy talk, find out the level of her deception and lies and her first choice kicks her out.
She admits when confronted by both lovers that it was all true. What psychopath admits they lied?! None. They deny to the end. They lie more to cover up the lies. And what psychopath is shy about any sexual encounter in the first place? Sounds to me like she DOES have a conscience. She wanted to stay naughty with Roger in a non-sexual way at first. No psychopath does that. They jump all over the chance for free, random sex with anyone and everyone.
And as for her not showing much emotion about being discovered? Spaths show emotion at being found out. Its called the emotion of ANGER! She might possibly have just been relieved to be found out, maybe glad the love triangle is over. Tired of the deception she was carrying on.
As the victim of a spath, I can say I was a willing victim. I have had to own my mistakes, choices, and issues that got me to that point in my life.
Sorry if I found like Dr. Phil.
Normally I try never to say anything that would offend anybody and that was not the intention of my post here, but after thinking about it I have to give my opinion as an outsider going on one email.
That is not to say she is a poor, misunderstood, simply confused love-lorn woman who just made a mistake. She was sleeping around (two constitutes around) got pregnant, got found out, and now these little babies will have to grow up with her apparent problems.
Hopefully, she will grow up fast and learn from all of this.
Woundlicker, opinions are like like noses, we’ve all got one! 😀 but my opinion is that she is high in psychopathic traits and maybe she wouldn’t qualify on the PCL-R, but she’s manipulative and a convincing liar. Some psychopaths under some circumstances will “admit” their lies. I’ve seen it both ways with my own son Patrick. But even when they admit, they are using it as a manipulation.
You just have more hope for this witch than I do. LOL
Roger,
I vote for BPD.
But that isn’t very much different from spath in presentation. Supposedly they do have deep feelings, unlike spaths who have no access to their emotions except for some shallow ones.
http://www.sharischreiber.com/blackmail.html
this is a good website that could be of help to you.
http://www.sharischreiber.com/casanova.html
this link is even better, though it is about male BPD’s.
And it’s interesting to me because there is no difference between what is described and the spath that I knew, but he’s not borderline, he’s an evil spath. Perhaps my exspath just took it so much further and crossed that borderline into psychopathy when he decided to commit murder for fun and games.
The labels can be helpful or confusing. It helps to take what you need and not get too attached to the label being used because then you could miss a spot.
Skylar BPD and PPD and all the other PDs over lap in symptoms, so I think really are more a spot on a continuum than anything set in concrete.
Thanks for the links.
My point though was it doesn’t really matter what the “name” of the disorder is, as long as you know that the person has A personality disorder and that they are not going to be straight with anyone!
I found it helpful initially to read up on all of the different DSM diagnoses, scrutinize the traits, see what fit… and then eventually realized that it’s all an artificial, by committee construct to describe something hard to describe! But we know it when we see it: they have crossed some line along the continuum between normal and personality disordered. A “normal” person can be high in the traits, not diagnosable…. also as many of us know, the spaths fake it very well and so, let the mask slip to the victims sometimes, only the victims.
Anyway, that’s a rambly way of saying I have found a lot of helpful use in learning the details of the different flavors of personality disorders, and then setting it aside and not getting too bogged down in it. In the end it really didn’t matter to me WHAT the label was, but knowing what the traits were.
The most helpful part of it was seeing to what extent my experience was NOT singular, but in fact was a pattern common in these disorders. It helped me see that I wasn’t crazy or imagining things. And it helped me name what was going on, to help me get out of the fog of confusion and start to map the whole experience out, to see it clearly rather than being so confused and buffeted about by it.
Roger:
Same church, different pew. I am a gay man, but, your story and mine are very similar in so many regards. Now that I have been free of my S-ex (sociopath ex) I have a very clear idea on how they work.
In your story, several phrases jumped out at me. “I couldn’t get a read on her.” “After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc.” These creatures are masters of manipulation and you have described classic methods of how they do it. I now realize when I started getting bombarded with texts from my S-ex, he was up to no good.
But, a bigger problem with the whole texting thing is that you (indeed all of us) tend to start to connect a lot of dots that aren’t there, because we’re dealing solely with written words, not with facial expressions, let alone oral intonations. People can say whatever the hell they want on a screen. Problem is, unless you are running what you’re reading against your senses of sight and hearing, you’re never going to win.
One thing I did after my so-called relationship with the S- ex was to adopt a no-texting policy. Since internet dating is a part of the modern world, you can’t completely ignore it, but my policy was anyone I was interested in was allowed to send me 2 emails/texts. After that, one of the two of us had to give the other his phone number. Then there was one call to set up a date for coffee. And then we sat there and met face-to-face. And that’s how I got to began to get to know the person I chose to become involved with. Because, sitting across from him I could read his body language, hear his verbal cues, etc. And know what? My approach works. I have been in a very happy, stable, non sociopathic relationship for 3 years.
Quite frankly, you need to quit texting. 13 hours?! While you were driving?! Good God man. It is a miracle you didn’t kill somebody or yourself. If you can put that much energy into texting, you can save your energy by dialing a phone number and talking. It’s not as good as sitting across from someone, but you stand a better chance of getting an accurate read on the other person than reading a bunch of words on a page.
And as for my partner and I? We never text, except to say one or the other of us is running late to the restaurant.
I know you are reeling, but I also have to say that I hope for your sake that the paternity test says you aren’t the father. I have read enough horror stories on this site over the years to know that the 18 plus years of hell this creature will put you through in connection with the kids isn’t worth it.
Hey Matt, my man! Glad to hear from you! How are things going? Three years with the new guy? I can’t believe it’s been that long.
Good advice to Roger and I’m glad you said something about the driving and Texting…I started to then decided not to blast someone new, but you are right! It is insane and is one of my “pet peeves” that people do….and die because of doing it.
Matt, sorry i should clarify i was the passenger not the driver, that would be ridiculous driving 13 hours while texting! I am feeling a little better about the situation at hand and after reading others stories about 20 year marriages and then finding out the kids are not theirs makes me happy that I discovered she was a SP much sooner than years down the line. If they are not my kids I am emotionally prepared and if they are I will do everything in my power to provide all the love and support for them! So to add to my story she now tells me that the girlfriend she was going to live with is not going to work out and she now will be have no place to live come next month! I told as long as the paternity test proves im the father to leave the kids with me and when she gets her own place we can share custody, but she is not falling for it and wouldnt do that. I even as a “test” threw out the option of her moving back in with me until she can work again so that she has a roof over her head so at least the babies get to see both of us and i can help with everything. her reaction was what i expected she barely even responded and tells me she is weighing her options and has to speak with her family. Lol She left me for another guy, he kicked her out shes is 7 months pregnant with no home and i offer her a free ride and she hardly acknowledges it???? Ohhh yeah that’s right Im dealing with a SP! I can definitely see how a SP can make you question your own judgement or even make u feel crazy in your own mind.
Um, just being 7 months pregnant can leave you a little “off”.
Being sociopathic may not make it easier…..Wonder what will happen when the nesting hormones kick in….
Matt;
STAY OUT OF CHURCH!!! 🙂
Roger;
Welcome to LF……You’ll find much support here and strategy to help you through your journey. Buckle up……