Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Silvermoon: She is 7 months pregnant and acts like she is so happy and this is all just so amazing and beautiful and that life is going to be so grand once she has her kids. reality check: no financial support no friends or family to live with, she is delusional to put it lightly! Any sane pregnant woman with twins would be freaking out right now but she acts as if everything is fantastic! Like i have said this is the most bone chilling part of this all, my family’s jaws drop when i tell them about her reactions.
In the last trimester, the hormones that kick in make you feel like superwoman. Its the treat you get before you get tricked out of sleep post partum….
Where is she living? How is she living? If she’ not at your place, and you aren’t supporting her, who is?
And if I thought they were my kids, I want to know exactly how she was taking care of herself because spaths aren’t known to care too much…..
yes last trimester but she has acted happy and fine since the confrontation. She admitted to everything only because after me and the other guy spoke for hrs and uncovered everything there would be no point in denying as there was no escaping the truth. She is supposedly staying with her friend but her friend is moving next month and she has no where to go as of yet. She works but makes little money enough for now since she isnt paying rent. I can no longer worry about how she is taking care of herself she is no longer my concern! I would like to know but i have no control so why wast my time? After paternity is proven that is another story but for now i am focused on my mental state and my priorities not hers!
My concerns about how she takes care of herself would be for the babies. Drinking and drug use can create problems for the children as they develop.
Is she getting prenatal care?
Time too, to think about delivery.
Most deliveries now a days are c-section although they get everyone to take the classes…..
Will you both attend? Will anyone be there?
Here’s the tough part, whoever their dad is needs to be there for the children.
Once those kids pop, they are a priority and the grown ups have to be able to make them so.
Your mental state is something that you will have to manage by force of will if you are a dad and you are going to be taking care of those babies. With twins, you have to get on a schedule and keep it.
Otherwise your mental state will -well its hard to think of an analogy, but you’ll be a mess.
The thing is, once you are parents, the world will expect you to have your lives under control in order to care for the children.
If they are yours, then you need to be THERE.
Like EB said: Buckle up!
Roger, good way to look at it….focus on yourself right now.
Silvermoon, I’m not sure the nesting hormones will kick in with her, she obviously has little grasp of the situation and even less planning for the future…typical BPD behavior or PPD behavior for that matter.
My guess is that after the twins are born she will play the old, I can’t work and take care of TWO babies alone so you daddy need to support us until I can work, so pony up an apartment a car, and money for food and utilities. Oh, doesn’t leave you enough to live on. Oh, so sorry.
There is also the possibility too, unless these are identical twins, that each man could be the father of one of them. Wouldn’t that be a mess! So Roger you need to make sure that BOTH twins are tested.
Who’s insurance is this going on?
Babies don’t pop out for free….
If the kids need anything when they are born and there are lots of things that they could, is it covered?
Who gets the bill?
When she can’t work after delivery for six weeks, who is going to make sure those kids are getting taken care of properly?
Does she have the STUFF she is going to need? Can she afford diapers?
New moms pathological or not need help. Who is going to be there?
Do you know HER family? Will they step in?
I think that all of you are far underestimating the situation here by thinking that any of you has the freedom to think about a lot else besides getting ready to be parents!
Think you have time to kill? Think again!
Silver, with her being “low income” most states will pick up the doctor and hospital costs on medicaid, then if there is a father identified, they may bill him for some of it or all of it. If an unmarried mother gets welfare the state will go after child support to reimburse the state…it is usually up to 25% of the man’s take home money but may vary depending on hos many kids and so on.
As for all the things she will “need”—at this point, where’s she gonna put them? And as for that a baby can sleep in a card board box as well as a crib, so it is amazing the minimal amount of things you can get by without.
Roger ~ Your statement – “I can no longer worry about how she is taking care of herself she is no longer my concern” is flawed thinking.
How she is taking care of herself has a direct impact on the unborn children. IF you even think that these children could be yours, you need to worry, you need to make it your concern.
Milo, “worrying” about what she is doing (drinkiing? drugs?) etc isn’t going to do any good frankly….though if he knows for sure she may be drinking/drugging he might contact child protective services. Again, not sure it would do any good, but “worrying” about it isn’t going to help. She is not going to be easily influenced to clean up her act.
Yes. At some point, the medical costs are going to go look for the dad.They are significant.
These are part of the very many questions to ask OX.
There are questions and decisions which need to be made about the children soon to be born.
My point is: Its not about the parents anymore. And the parents who ever they are and the families that support them, need to be heads up.
Making babies comes with responsibility. in the current climate of our economy and politics, I doubt that the wait and see whose they are is an effective plan.
Its a curve I’d want to be ahead of financially and legally by as far as I could get!
The only circumstance by which I can imagine that all parties walk away from this is if the children are given up for adoption at birth.
That is a very difficult decision to make. But it is a real one.
Without knowing who the father really is, the complexity of the situation is greater.
But the reality is that two children are on their way into the world and the time for making those decisions is shorter by each day.
And when they arrive, nobody is going to care about the parent’s emotional dramas. The only question will be how the children will be provided for and how the bills are going to get paid.
Its a tough one. And it needs grown up resolutions.