Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Roger,
What can I say? I feel really bad for those little ones. Someone needs to be responsible because those children will not feed, change, or grow by themselves…and twins…my god!!
I cannot relate to her “thinking” patterns. When I was at that term I was already stockpiling diapers, wipes, ect. Buying food for meals to freeze. Although I was still with the spath I somehow knew I would be on my own at some point. One of the smartest things I did was not move in with him again…despite his efforts. Thinking about the outcome of that one..ugh..sends shivers down my spine.
Although my initial response to you was to go NC…I’m kind of thinking a little differently now on the subject.
What is your relationship with her family, the other guy. Is there a way you could speak to them to at leaste discuss her living arrangements. If they are yours this will help ensure their tempory safety..until you get DNA. If they aren’t yours at leaste you will be doing the right thing…for the kids. They will have it rough enough in time.
Someone needs to be the adult. If shes not going to do it…someone needs to. You can try. At leaste secure a living arrangement for her if possible. Family…the other guy…something.
And you might need to be the one to go into “mommy” mode. Sorry to say. If they aren’t yours well you are lucky. Have any preparations been made yet regarding crib, stroller, car seat, ect.? Thay stuff is expensive and something thats not a one night purchase deal.
Have you considered doing this? Start stockpiling now, so the cost doesn’t hit you all at once..diapers, crib, ect., save all the reciepts..if they are yours than it’s there. Also it might help in the future proving to the court (should custody issues arise) that you were an active participant in the childrens lives.
If the children are not yours you can always offer to “sell” them to the other guy or her or her family when the time comes…or return them if you choose. I realise this concept hardly seems fair…but on the off chance they are not yours you will be out some money but free from the mess…Woste case scenerio. Lots of money saved in the long run…
Gosh I wish I could offer some more advise but thats all I’ve got. Think of yourself and the kids needs first.
The pain and anger well thats a whole different ballpark.
God bless
Roger,
Another issue I hate to bring up is “what will her emotional stability” be like once the kids are born? If she is in denial now about the practical issues she will be in for a very rude awakening once the little ones arrive.There is no escaping the “work, sacrifice and unconditional love” required in raising children. ESPECIALLY newborns. This can lead to a very potentially dangerouse situation for the kids. Neglect, abuse and abandonment are all within the realm of possiblity for a spath.
I’m not trying to freak you out but it’s all very, very real.
Silvermoon & Coping ~
The thing you have to remember is that “disordered” people don’t live in the real world.
Us turkey’s here in the real world, are accustomed to dealing with consequences that come as a result of our actions. They are not. When we hear “baby”, we know what they need, formula, diapers, medical care and we know that they are expensive and need undivided attention. They do not. Not only that, they really don’t care.
I remember having this conversation with my spathy daughter – how are you going to take care of a baby? where is the money to feed, clothe and keep a roof over his head going to come from? Her reply was that maybe he wouldn’t have all the expensive toys that other kids had, but he would be just fine. Well, we know how that turned out. Even when Grand was living in deplorable conditions, covered with sores and thrush so bad he could not suck on a bottle, she was “mommie of the year” all sunshine and lollipops. THEY DON’T GET IT AND DON’T CARE.
Hey Roger,
I have a very similar story and I want to let I know.
Do not under for any reason let her in your house. The twins yes if they are yours yes, but not her. You have to get paternity now, but it into court bouts 9 months and when they are at the hospital get a DNA before the leave the hospital even if you have to pay out of pocket.
The no reaction to letting her live with you is a trap, she was to see if you still cared for her and was willing to still be her victim. She is plotting her next move. Whatever you do, do not tell her she is a path and get DNA and aim for custody with a psychological examination. Say she has symptoms of a personality disorder. It is going to cost 10-25k to fight a woman fo custody, but you know they will be in better care wih a healthy parent. Compliling documentation with a highly manipulative person is very difficult in Civil court bc they assume both parties are lying anyway! It can take months years or decades for you to have enough if you do not choose the route of psych exam. She won’t expect it and at the very lag you will get a GAL appoint and with her being homeless with no means of supporting the children will be in your best interest. This is you leverage! Homeless and jobless and possibly mentally unstable use it now or u could be sorry. Dont worry about her not letting you see the children, u will have to deal with that until u get into court an get visitation. She has all the rights now bc you are unmarried. Go into now and get this things established befor the children are born.
Milo,
I agree…This woman isn’t going to wake up when the twins are born if she is a spath.
If anything she will go into actress mode and act as if she was the only woman on this earth to ever produce twins. It will be ALL ABOUT HER.
Yep, Witty
Right now she is acting “like everything is fantastic” because she is wearing the “give me all your attention, I am pregnant with twins” mask. What better way to grab attention and lavish in it.
After the babies are born, like you said the “only woman on earth to ever produce twins”, plus the pity ploy – I am a single mom, feel sorry for me mask. Another good one.
Then whoever is the father, whether it Roger or if it is like my daughter’s case, who knows, name him banana after the bunch, will get the “twin pawns” used on him at every turn.
Grrr
Von ~ great advice and bless you.
So, the boil down is:
1. Get the kids away from her sooner than later, however that can be done.
2. Don’t let her move in or you will NEVER get HER out
3. There are real risks to the children now and once they are born
4. She will want to use them as pawns to get more for herself in every way that she can without using the acquired resources whatever they are for providing for the children.
5. IF you are named as father and she keeps the children you will be under legal obligation to pay.
6. Think the other guy is hoping he gets identified as the father??? Me? Not so much…..
So what we are saying is-
Think strategically.
Keep your knowledge and ideas close to the vest.
Act on good advice
Know your rights and responsibilities
Don’t act out of kindness for this woman.
She will abuse it and you.
If they are your children, you will need to move mountains to keep them safe.
Not too soon to get a lawyer and start listening to them!
that probably came out wrong! Of course I do care but right now she is going to live where she wants i cannot force her to live anywhere. OK the whole drug thing someone mentioned is a long shot she is not nor has used drugs I could go on worry about everything she could do but we could do that about just every situation, doesn’t bring clarity just more paranoia! I know she is crafty and will not wind up on the streets she will find a friend, family member someone to take her in, this i know for sure! I all ready told her i will not help her with living expenses after what she put me through so she knows i am not playing sugar daddy! She has insurance through work so it covers the twins. I have the paternity labs number on speed dial as they told me to call them as soon as the babies are delivered they will have someone come to the hospital for the mouth swabs. They are paternal twins not identical as far as two separate fathers it is biologically possible but extremely rare but hey I’m open to anything as this story is definitely not over! I will keep you guys posted as the story unwinds itself
Do you still work at the same place?
What is their policy on people who work there dating?
Are you vulnerable on that?
Roger ~ Sorry if I sounded rough on you. You are dealing with a bunch of “child first” advocates here. With us the adults come in second.
I feel for you and do realize you are trying to do the right thing and that you are between a rock and a hard place. I give you credit for caring.
Again, sorry