Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Roger,
I’m certain that my spath learned his behavior from his spath mom. If they’re yours, it’s better for you to unteach them what she’ll be teaching them when they’re with her as they’re growing up instead of waiting until they’re older when it’s too late. You have two potential future spaths here depending on how much time they spend with her as opposed to you. Fight for them! We don’t need any more of these kooks in our world. Someone needs to teach them how to love. She is incapable of doing that.
Roger,
You are giving her way to much credit. She might do drugs who knows. I was two years into the marriage before I found out mine was a smoker and drank on a regular basis oh and that she was legally married to someone else!
The have so many different mask- housewife, pornstar, church-goer, concerned wife, concerned friend.. Etc.
You have no clue what u r dealing with, so educate yourself with all the different website. They are magicians that are not as good in illusions they Spaths.
Get into court, force the issue fight for your children or don’t say anything when they grow up mess up like their mom! Hate to be harsh, but u r giving her way to much benefit of the doubt. She is not normal and u have no clue what she is capable of doing.
Please under no reason do u fall pity play that you let her into ur home.
If a woman can hide a relationship from you, believe that she is capable of hiding anything from you.
You are giving her to much power and credit!
Focus on the children,
When the come out have a safe place for them to reside.
Von,
you are so right. 25 years with mine and I never would have imagined he was with men and a pedophile too.
It’s not that there weren’t clues, there were many many clues. The spaths know that you might be “on to him/her” at any point where their mask might slip. So they plant other seeds in your mind. Seeds of lies which make the truth impossible to consider.
If he hadn’t worn the “animal lover” mask so well and for so many years, I might have imagined that he’d be capable of hurting my pets. If he hadn’t played the “I’m a one woman man” card, so well, I might have allowed myself to contemplate why he came home smelling like sex. The problem is that the human mind has a hard time holding 2 conflicting beliefs at the same time. So we choose the more pleasant one.
Advice: if you have evidence of good and bad at the same time, the evidence of good is a false mask. Because good people don’t pretend to be evil, but evil does pretend to be good.
skylar:
That was brilliant!
QUOTE: good people don’t pretend to be evil, but evil does pretend to be good.
AMEN!!!! Good point!
DEFINITELY YES SKYLAR!
ABSOLUTELY. Thanks for that.
Dupey
Von, you are right she could be using drugs, holding up liquor stores, hell maybe even helping Al Quaida! Look I cannot sit here and worry about what ifs.. She hasnt used drugs in the past and is pregnant with twins I do not see her other than doc visits so who knows what she is doing, drinking poison, drugs, pounding her stomach…etc If i sat here wondering about this all day i would prob wind up insane just like her. Im going by the facts that i know and conforming as the truth reveals itself day at a time.
Roger – you’re right on about that. The truth reveals itself one day at a time. I came here for the first time in Aug 2009 and I am finally accepting the truth.
Early this morning while I worked out at the gym, I had listened to the song “You Lie” by Perry Band about 5 times – it’s just a simple song where the girl recognizes that not only did he lie, but he *IS* a lie.
And coincidentially, later today my spath showed up at my office. I hadn’t seen in him a long time. He was not invited. A long time ago, the clerk at the front desk was advised not to let him in, but somebody else did anyway (unknowingly).
Anyway, , I didn’t react, I didn’t let him seduce me, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t cry. None of that. I just thought about him BEING A LIE, and WEARING A MASK, and being a two dimensional cartoon character (Skylar’s favorite analogy). I was really grossed out looking at him. He was waiting for me to REACT to him, and I didn’t. And then I asked him to leave.
I wonder, I hope, I think….maybe I’ve made my way ’round the bend. Maybe I am finally over this idiot.
Athena
Skylar,
I also really like what you said here:
“The problem is that the human mind has a hard time holding 2 conflicting beliefs at the same time. So we choose the more pleasant one. ”
I think having that strong conflict of beliefs should be thought of as a red flag….Yes?
Witty, I agree with sky about the “two conflicting beliefs”!!! It is so much easier to believe the easier of the two, it is CALLED DENIAL.
Short term denial is beneficial, it keeps us from choking by having to “swallow” something so big and terrible we can’t comprehend it, like I felt after the aircraft crash….it was denial. But in HEALTHY people you get over the denial. “NO! He can’t be dead! Oh, God NO!” but if you (and I realize this is an over the top example) but if you STAY in denial that “he is dead” you dont ACT to fix what needs to be done, you would literally NOT BURY THEM. Denial precludes ACTION either fixing the situation or accepting it as it is. (not as you want it to be) it is the FIRST STEP in the grief process from a loss.
It is like eating an elephant….one bite at a time. Not trying to swallow the entire elepahnt at once.
We can recognize OTHERS in denial, easily enough…but we have a hard time, or impossible time, recognizing it in ourselves. I think we have all seen an example of this kind of denial of the obvious. WE can see it, but they can’t see it in themselves. No matter how much we try to “shake a person” out of denial, they can HOLD ON TIGHTLY. It is way too scary to them to let go of the fantasy and to see the truth.