Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we’ll call “Roger.” He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.
UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man’s story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!
So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, had no kids, same aspirations in terms of careers, liked the same activities, food, travel etc.
Well I tried taking her out several times and on several occasions, I was either shot down or got a last minute phone call with a last minute almost cliche-like excuse, “I have to help a friend,” etc. You know when your being sold out. We hung out a few times, but since I wasn’t getting her to reciprocate any type of affection towards me, I wound up in a relationship with another very nice girl and she wound up dating other guys.
So we remained great friends and spoke on the phone and text often. She was very easy to talk to and very observant, so I would go to her for relationship issues and I thought her intentions were good! Key word “thought.”
Even though we had a little attraction when we first met, we never dated, kissed, nothing. I noticed she would always throw out little comments like “make sure your using protection with her.” I once confronted her and asked why, why did she care? She told me because if we were to wind up together she wouldn’t want me to give her something.
I have to admit I was comparing my at the time current girlfriend to her constantly, and when she said that it brought back all the feelings that I had for her. So fast forward about a year, I am no longer with my then girlfriend and am taking a 13 hr road trip. Being bored I text her to let her know I was going to be driving for a while. Make a long story short, we texted almost the entire 13 hr trip and the more we spoke the more I realized I was falling for her.
Passion
I for the first time told her I wish she was here so I could kiss her and she responded with “me too.” She then told me she always had cared but the timing was never right. Well for the next few days we were hot and heavy texting about passionate romantic endeavors, how great it would be to date as we are almost best friends and get along so well. Well when I got back 4 days later I told her I needed to come see her. I needed to finally kiss her and see her. So I came over late at night at first she seemed a little nervous. But soon were passionately kissing and next thing I know I am throwing her onto her bed. The passion was extremely intense but she withheld from having sex with me.
After that night came the distance, lack of texts, not answering phone calls etc. Granted we weren’t dating, but we were friends for 1-1/2 yrs. We told one another we were going to date, had an extremely passionate night together, and now she has disappeared.
So come March we are hot and heavy texting and talking again, more and more about sex and how she liked the way I touched her. She basically was working me to death. I told her if she wanted to know how sex was to come over and be with me already. So she came over one morning (which was odd), like 7:30 to be exact. Walked in like nothing and we engaged in passionate sex for the first time. After we were done everything seemed fine. We took a shower together.
No response
She left and again no texts, no answering calls for 3 days. I was heartbroken. I tried soo hard to be with this girl and I couldn’t get a read on her. I knew she had been dating a guy on and off for 3 years or so and I asked if it had anything to do with him. She admitted she still talked to him. But the way she said it made it seem like they were just friends at this point.
Well, 3 months after that the texting and calling was on again, this time more than ever. Now I am picking her up from her work for lunch, and to mess around in her car. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that if her feelings for me were real, than why are we not dating?? My X wanted me back and I told her this wasn’t going to continue, as my X was a sweet girl with a great future, and I wasn’t going to put my life on hold anymore for a once a week romantic escapade.
Two days later she told me she wanted to come over; she had something to tell me. She came over and told me she called things off with her X and she wanted me! I didn’t understand. She told me they just talked?? She said she had gone to get the remaining items from his house and she told him that they would not see each other anymore at all. She said he didn’t take it well, but I figured so much as she is an extremely attractive woman.
Perfect relationship
So now we began our relationship and things went almost text book perfect. I mean dating a girl that was basically your best friend, knows everything about you including past relationships, no lies—it was great. I was truly in love, and she made sure she told me how much she loved me, and appreciated my love for her and her family. Our families met we travelled and hung out almost every day together!
Read more articles about female sociopaths
Several months down the road we found out she was pregnant. We were both extremely happy. She was living with her family at the time so I told her I would get us our own place so we can live together throughout the pregnancy. We moved in together got engaged and were living a beautiful life.
Doesn’t love me
Six weeks ago, when she was 5 months pregnant, she woke up out of the blue and told me straight faced that she didn’t love me and she doesn’t think she ever did!! My heart dropped to the floor. We are having twins, and I thought that maybe the pregnancy has caused her to be hormonal. She is usually tactful with her words and chooses wisely, but she was cold, crass and unsympathetic. I begged her to go to counseling, anything, but to end this, as she is pregnant with my twins.
After about a week of her staying at her girlfriend’s house and hardly any communication, she told me she was ready to talk. She wouldn’t even see me in person so she called. She told me that nothing has changed and that now she is considering moving in with her X-boyfriend!!!??? I was shocked, hurt, appalled just about every emotion went thru my body.
I asked her why would he want to take you in knowing that you’re pregnant with another mans kids? She wouldn’t answer just basically said that he is.
I was devastated. I had thought that maybe she could have left me for another man, but the likelihood of that since she is 5 months pregnant, and showing, is very unlikely.
The other boyfriend
Two weeks later I get a text from the boyfriend asking if we can talk? I knew I was going to have to speak with him since if they do work out, I would have to trust him with my kids. So I called him just to talk about his plans and to know that my kids are in good hands, but he insisted that we talk about my and her past.
He explained that he knew things that I didn’t, and he was sure I knew a lot that he didn’t! I was confused and wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me. He then explained to me that he has been with her this whole time!!!! And that he just recently found out about me!
We spoke for 6 hours and figured out that she was deceiving both of us and living a double life. I found out 3 days before she left me she went to see him and told him she was pregnant. He didn’t ask, cause he thought she was only with him and he was excited that he was going to be a dad again. Then as the days went by she told him that she casually dated a guy, used a different name for the guy too! And that they only had sex twice and that the condom broke and they were most likely the other guy’s kids.
Being that this guy was so brainwashed and in love with her at the time, he didn’t care, and tried to look past it and told her that since he had a vasectomy, he understood she wanted kids and he couldn’t give her any. But he then began catching her in other small lies that finally built up to him reaching out to me and us figuring out everything.
Confrontation
We confronted her about everything, down to the details and she admits to everything, but in such calm way it’s hauntingly scary!
After he found out that he had been deceived, he kicked her out and she went to live with her girlfriend. I have now been going to a therapist and they believe she is a sociopath, as do I after doing the countless hours of research on the subject. I mean here is a girl pregnant with twins, living a double life with two men, not going to be able to work in less than 90 days, and she lost everything and she acts as if nothing has happened!
I have poured my eyes out to her asking her if she realizes what she has done to me, my family, our unborn children etc., and she has nothing to say—no remorse, no sympathy, no apologies at all!
I am still going to the OBGYN visits for the babies’ sake, but every time I see her It makes it harder on me, as I still love her. After knowing what she is, and just how far capable she is, I know I could never be with a person like this, but the pain of being in love is not something that goes away overnight!
I have tried to understand what she was going through, but the more I pry into her head the more walls go up. She actually tries to believe a much more diluted version of the truth. Whenever I see her, she acts as if we are just friends now, and as if this happened years ago!!!! This was only 5 weeks ago!
Calm and relaxed
Me and the other guy forced her to take an STD check, which came back all good (thank heaven), and next she will have to take a paternity test once the kids are born. The most chilling parts of all of this Is that she is so calm and relaxed about everything. It almost seems as if this is normal day to day for her.
The point of my story is I never in a million years would have seen this coming. My friends, family everyone is shocked. She was the most loveable, outgoing, sensitive, sweet girl I had ever met, and everyone saw this in her. I have to let go of her, but unfortunately I still have to deal with this person for the sake of my children. I recently learned that her mom has sociopathic behavior, and believe her behavior stems from her mom’s. My only goal is to ensure now that my kids get all the love and support from me!
I don’t know if this story can help anyone, but if it helps just one person reading this, I have done my part!
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 16, 2012.
When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
Roger Dear:
I have to ditto what Milo says:
MiLo says:
Roger ~ Your statement ”“ “I can no longer worry about how she is taking care of herself she is no longer my concern” is flawed thinking.
How she is taking care of herself has a direct impact on the unborn children. IF you even think that these children could be yours, you need to worry, you need to make it your concern.
I was a little uncomfortable with that statement and I actually twitched in my seat when I read it. So due to the fact I have a tendency to speak my mind I have to open my mouth.
Since you put your seed in her you will have to be concerned about those twins for the next 18 years. That is, if they are yours. You better keep tabs on them. If she is a true-blue sociopath those poor kids will suffer at her hand, either through neglect, mental bullying, or out right physical abuse. Remember Cassie Anthony. She was one spath who got away with it. And not one of her lover’s was willing to acknowledge her child.
One of her boy friends thought the baby was his but a DNA test proved other wise.
If your girl friend is a spath and she hooks up with another spath the kids will be in double jeopardy. Every day or week there’s a new story on the internet of kids who have been tortured or murdered by spath couples.
This is why it happens: because the so called normal ex spouse of the spath is so happy to be rid of them they cut off all contact with their offspring. When the kids aren’t being monitored the spath takes that at face value and the games begin. Usually to the detriment of the child.
So if you care about those kids, as I’m sure you will when they’re born and you hold them you better keep a father’s protective eye over them.
Sorry for the lecture but that comment moved me the wrong way and like Milo I had to say something.
Joanie123
Joanie123 This is still fresh to me as this happened only weeks ago. I am obviously still upset and angry but of course i care. Its actually very hard on me to have to trust she is eating, taking pre-natals, exercising etc…and obviously not doing anything to put the twins in harms way. However as much as i worry I cannot do anything since I am not with her other than 2x a month for an hour at a docs visit. I know if they are my kids i will do everything in my power to gain full custody so they are not subjected to their mothers lack of conscience. I am aware that a spath mother is a mother that doesn’t care, wont fulfill the basic needs like: love, compassion, trust etc. So I am 100% ready to start the custody battle after paternity is proven.
Roger, just be careful. If she know you care about the babies she will make your life hell. If she thinks you don’t care and don’t want them, she will try to make your life hell by making you take the kids. Remember this. Be exceedinly careful of what truth you allow her to know. Her goal is to HURT YOU.
Roger;
When I read your story I am thankful again that I found Lovefraud and all of the support I have gotten from it. Your story hints at an ending mine could have had, but I decided to cut my losses, even though there was great pain in that.
The similarities are remarkable. I met my x-spath at club. He seem nice, genuine and attractive, but like in your story no strong “spark.” We went on a date and he was fine and it seemed we had much in coming. When that date ended, I was in the Taxi back to my apartment and I received a text telling me who much he was looking forward to our next date.
That date started well, but because tense when I “insulted his British reservedness…” by asking him back to my apartment for a beer. I did my damage control and we had a good time going about the city, but when the night ended, I decided that I would not contact him again. There was something about him, I could not put my finger on, that told me stay away.
Several days passed and I began being “text message” bombed by him, many of which where very flattering to me. Thus we begin daily text messaging and emails. In all of these, he is charming and texting with him makes my day. He tells me that he is coming back to my city for a flight (he is cabin crew) and I say great, we can meet and go out. To this, he becomes very hesitant — see the similarity. He then asks me how I will get home? I simply respond that I take train home. This I find very curious but he lives in London where the transport system shuts down over-night.
But clearly, he did not want to be in an over-night situation with him. Part of me was convinced he was sleeping with another crew member; certainly, he seems to be hiding something. But he called me at the agreed upon time and spoke with me until 3:00 AM. Th next morning, he called me as soon as he got up before leaving for London. These were the two best phone conversations I ever remember and I am beginning to think that maybe he really is “reserved and sorted,” even though my friends think he is a flake.
Back in London, he tells me he is going on a flight to Nairobi and disappears for the better part of a week. I begin to get worried. Finally two days after he was do back, I send him an email about me being worried something happened in Nairobi. He tell me that he was jet-lagged from his flight and when he got home took an Ambien and over-slept. Then he said he had many emails and want to send me something “proper and thoughtful” and not just a quick response, hence the delay as he responded to what he called “less important” emails firsts. Of course I believed him, especially when he tells me that he just got another flight to New York and will be staying close enough to the city so we can meet in person. Durning this meeting, he tells me he arranged his next trip so that he would be able to stay the night with me. During thus time, he also told me that “I guess you realize it takes me time to warm-up to people.”
During all this, while I can honestly say I did not have an overwhelming physical attraction for him, I felt like I had met a soul-mate. I also felt that perhaps this is the way real, long-lasting relationships start. As a gay man, I had never before gone past a second date without having sex and now I was actually worried that what if it turns out we really don’t have sexual chemistry.
Then him comes to my place to stay the night. I was shocked by his reaction to the cosy Christmas setting that I carefully prepared, after having talked in length about with him. It was so bad, so sarcastic, as we went to bed, I remember looking at him and thinking “god does this guy have intimacy problems.” In bed, there was some passion, teasing, but no sex.
Roger, to this point, do you see the similarities? Not only the hot and cold approach but the withholding sex, even controlling text and email contact. Also, the initial lack of immediate strong sexual attraction. And the first real physical contact not being sexual.
Matt;
You alluded to similar but did not provide details. Is this something you are willing to do. I really don’t understand the sociopaths who withhold sex, especially a gay man, although in the case of mine, I am glad he did.
Skylar;
I agree that many sociopaths, if not pedophiles, are “ephebophiles” meaning they are attracted to teen-agers. I believe this is the case with my x-spath. One, there was just something odd about the way he looked when describing his nephews. He did not say anything improper, but his look and tone made me uncomfortable, something I vividly remember.
In addition, I saw a bit of this but in general, from pictures I saw in various online profiles, he very much dresses like a American teen-age boy. I will let you answer the question why would at 30-something British man dress like an American teen-age boy?
Roger, If you go for custody of the twins you may not get them right away.
As others have said, if she knows you want them she’ll do her best to fight to keep them from you.
It may take years of fighting before you get custody. And as others here have mentioned the court system does not recognize “psychopathy”.
To them we’re all equal. You’ll have to keep a log and document any abuse.
There may come a time in the future when she hooks a prosperous victim and she tells you to take them to get them off her hands.
I once knew a woman who I believe was a spath and she would go from relationship to relationship making babies.
Every time she met a new lover she would discard her previous children to either the care of their father’s relatives or give them to the state.
She had multiple offspring by different baby daddies.
In the end she caught AIDS and died. She eventually became a drug addict & hooker although she came from a very good family.
So if she ever get’s to the point she want to discard them that’s your chance.
Otherwise she may keep them for the 18 year meal ticket that you’re going to have to provide for child support. But I’m sure you’ll figure it all out when the time comes.
Joanie123
behind_blue_eyes
Look at the bright side being a gay man you can simply walk away unscaved! Myself on the other hand if these are my kids i have to deal with this person for the next 18 yrs!
Roger;
There is part B to the story. I was lucky to get out unscathed. My x-spath told me he only wanted to be friends because a health incident had my doctors worried I might be HIV+. I decided to remain friends with him because in spite of his quirkiness, I held him in high regard. About two weeks after my last email to him, I came upon a profile of his online. That profile, lead to a trail of others and from these, I learned three things. 1) He is not very honest; 2) Not very “reserved and sorted”; 3) Most likely HIV+.
I was so crushed at these revelations what I never contracted him again. To this I am thankful as who knows what might have happened if I gave him the chance to manipulate me again, I could have become HIV+ for life.
BBE,
You addressed your question about withholding sex to Matt, not me, but I have an answer.
I think the spaths do whatever they think will hurt you the most.
Athena
BBE,
spaths don’t see sex the same way we do. Even though they are sex addicts, they all withhold sex from somebody.