Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by Lovefaud reader whom we’ll call “Bessy.”
A “relationship” that spanned one year will take me a lifetime, no doubt, to even try to comprehend. From my readings, which have been countless, I know there will never be “closure.” This person I didn’t even “invite” into my life, effortlessly wormed his way in very quickly and drove me to lose 80 pounds and become suicidal. In the blink of an eye. I would not even normally associate with this type of person he would never be in my circle of friends.
Right off the bat, I had glaring red flags and ignored or explained every single one of them away
Be more adventurous, I told myself. Give the “poor guy” a chance, he’s had it “rough” I said. Uh huh. I could “love him” back to wholeness. Sure.
A convicted pedophile
The ten, twenty to fifty or more texts a day in the beginning. The never-ending “noise” he created in my life, didn’t give me a chance to think. I was exhausted. Waking me out of a dead sleep to go “feed the fish in the pond” at 2 a.m. when I had to get up at 5 for work. I was in a constant state of disorientation.
Oh, I noticed his blatant flirting with every YOUNG girl around (I am ten years OLDER; he told me how grateful I should be to feel happy again “at my age.”) He is a convicted pedophile, having repeatedly assaulted his 11 year old over a two year period (ten years ago). Guess what? It wasn’t HIS FAULT (flag!). It was his cold, ex-wife who “neglected him” in that department so he wanted to “get back at her.”
A model husband who cheated and didn’t come home for days
In regards to his ex, she was a topic of conversation almost daily, even when I expressed over and over I did not care to hear about their intimate bedroom details, or how they did this or that together. He talked about her all the time, yet expressed total disgust for her. “Cheating, not coming home for days, didn’t take care of the kids…” Hmmmm.
Yet he said he was a model husband, didn’t drink, took care of the kids, was home every day after work. (He spends seven days a week in a certain sports bar he loves, and yet, tells me he can’t be an alcoholic because he switched from hard liquor to beer).
A one-sided relationship
My needs/desires/plans never mattered. It was a one-sided relationship, everything his choice. He planned our days. He planned HIS days (which may or may not have included me). I was stood up. I spent money on weddings he asked me to go to with him, only for him to disappear or deliberately cause a fight so he could go alone. He would spend hours and hours out grilling a hundred burgers and hot dogs for his bar “friends” but could not attend a funeral with me “who wants to sit for an hour around a bunch of sniffle bags?”
Potentially dangerous
I think he can be, from my numerous readings, dangerous. The only thing he ever did to me was rage, or once, slammed my windshield so hard I thought it would break. Given time, I’m sure he has a penchant for violence.
He displays every single red flag of psychopathy / narcissism. He uses people, but he is so “friendly and charismatic” people tend to WANT to help him. Nobody would believe me if I told them even a few things I know.
Unfortunately, this man was a coworker and I had to leave my job to escape. He triangulated me in plain view, daily basis. Even during one of his silent treatments, he would bake cookies for other women in the office and leave things on their desks. Mine? Never. Not even when we were “together.” Not one note, card, flower — ever.
I have heard him look at someone who has a nice house or car and say, “I want to BE him.” Envious to the max but a slacker at work. Does minimal to get by, so he can get to the bar by 3 pm to see his “friends.” The ATM and slot machines are his nights. Seven days a week.
Pathological liar
Pathological liar, every single thing was exaggerated or plainly so stupid to be true that came out of his mouth.
He stood me up once, saying “I forgot I had an MRI appointment at the hospital this morning. I’ll be gone most of the day.” Wanting to be a support, I took off for the hospital and surely, he was not there. Thinking I had the wrong hospital, I drove to three others. No MRI appointment. I finally got him by phone, and he said “oh, I didn’t mean MRI. I meant doctor appointment to talk about getting an MRI, I’m at the clinic now.” I was not far away, I said I’d be right over, and he said okay. I drove there and guess what, no doctor appointment. He was nowhere to be found.
And of course, this triggered a several day “silence” from him and then he just called again, as if nothing happened, totally ignoring the fact I spent hours driving around looking for him. He lied about EVERYTHING. Even when caught, he lied more, or raged and I got silence.
Looking at other women is part of therapy
He even told me that his “therapist” from his sexual assault conviction told him as part of his treatment he is supposed to “look/ogle other women, so that I can decipher my thoughts properly and not objectify them.” What a piece of work!!! Telling me that he “has” to constantly stare and flirt with other women as “part of therapy.” Really?
Never gave me any compliments, only criticisms. Made me feel “less than” always. Could not remember my birthday, it came and went, with him nowhere to be found. Yet he could describe in detail, from her earrings to her shoes, a pretty girl who stood in line at the bank in front of him six hours ago.
Reckless driver
Very reckless driver, he will do 125 mph with his elderly mom in the car on winter roads. Often drives drunk. Thinks traffic is something HE should not have to contend with and will drive on the shoulder, over medians, anything to escape just waiting. If a nicer car passes him on the highway, he speeds up to “challenge” the driver. I was often very fearful with him at the wheel.
Obsessed with cell phone
His “office” persona and his personal, 3 pm transformation are amazing. This is why I could never tell anybody; nobody would believe me. Nobody. He gambles in excess. Drinks in excess. I have never “caught” him with anyone but I know he knows every strip club in a 200 mile radius and disappears for days/weeks. He is cell-phone obsessed; always face down, sleeps with it in his hand “in case mom has an emergency.” Takes it into the shower with him (work might need me).
He told me as if he were proud of it that he, as a child, “masturbated until I bled and still kept going.” And now even at 42, he likes his job flexibility as it allows him to run to his apartment a couple blocks away to “relieve myself” whenever work stresses him out.
No contact is hard
I am in week 4 of No Contact and it’s hard. It shouldn’t be; re-reading the above which is only a small, small part of what I dealt with.
Again, normally I don’t even LIKE this type of person; extroverted, type A personality, shallow as a rock. Doesn’t know or care about the community, the nation, what’s going on in the world. The world he lives in is strictly there for his entertainment. Wants nothing to do with paying bills, accountability, responsibility. This is how dangerous they can be: to totally mind control someone, anyone, and then play sick games and go on to slander and smear reputations. These people should be locked up. I hope, the only hope I ever can have, is that Karma exists.
Thank you.
“Bessy”
Wow, there are so many red flags in this story that if you were not already “hooked” by someone like this, a healthy person would run for the hills. But I still identify with this story.
As I read this, I reflected back on the disordered men I dated, fell in love with, briefly dated, and almost dated from the past. Every time, there were a few red flags. Maybe they weren’t as glaring as this example, but they were there nonetheless. So why did I proceed? That magical feeling, the chemistry, the promise of fulfillment of some sort of fairy tale romance…….this was all so alluring.
The guy I recently walked away from I only dated a few times. He first came into my life almost 4 years ago, but I was very guarded with him, so it didn’t faze me when he just got busy and I never heard from him. The second time he came into my life this January, there were a few red flags. I rationalized them because we had a strong chemistry and he had many qualities that I rarely find in a man. I was more ready for a relationship, and I thought we would be a good match. He acted like he thought so too. He said things like, “I can see myself falling in love with you,” and “You’re someone I would want to move to Costa Rica with.” Though I remained guarded (I know all about love bombing), on some primal level, this must have triggered my Cinderella Complex, because after only a few dates and makeout sessions (Thank God I didn’t sleep with him), I was hooked. So when he disappeared this time for 3-1/2 months, later blaming the disappearance on his retreating into a shell after the death of a friend, it really did hurt and confuse me. When he came back into my life two days ago, with a voice message giving me the excuse for why he didn’t call me and how I should give him another chance, I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that I would never give him the time of day again. The old me would have called him back to listen to what he had to say, as if there would be some way to revive the fantasy and excuse his past deeds. This time I just felt angry. So angry that I don’t even want to listen to him. I just went no-contact and that’s the end of it.
However, I have found myself thinking about how angry I am and what I would like to say to him about his game playing and wasting my time. I am watching my reaction to his recent phone call and just amazed that he STILL can have this affect on me to where I want to tell him off. I realized that THIS IS HOW WE HOLD ON AND DON’T LET GO. AND THIS IS WHY NC IS SO VERY IMPORTANT. We want to communicate our feelings to someone who obviously didn’t care about our feelings in the first place. I realize now that this man is a narcissist, putting his own needs first and foremost. Was he seeing other women in the time he wasn’t calling me? Who knows? Who cares? Not my problem. But yes, there is that part of me that still wants to stay connected, that still wants to tell him off to see if he crawls back and asks for forgiveness 1000 times until he has finally paid his dues. In short, I want him to be my dream man who has come back to claim his fairy princess. And yet my mind is screaming, “LOOK AT HIS BEHAVIORS.” He has established a pattern of behaviors. And these usually don’t change. If he abandoned me before, he will do it again.
I was recently reading somewhere that the drive for romantic love isn’t an illness or an addiction – it’s a biological drive. We all have it, and it is something we strive toward unconsciously, whether we like it or not. It’s a very strong biological imperative that perpetuates the species. And women can bond quickly. Obviously, that guy didn’t bond with me. If he had, he would have been calling me and trying to see me in the past quarter of a year. So I am now strong enough to do what is in my best interests – just walk away. The longing and romantic drive has been triggered by his call, and he was the last person I felt it for, but I see it for what it is. It’s about my needs and not about him. I don’t need to act on it. But it is the hardest thing to just walk away without giving him a piece of my mind. The thing is, with disordered people – as I believe he may be – they won’t hear it. So there’s no point.
And this is a guy I only dated a few times. Wow – the biological imperative is very very strong. That’s why we get hooked.
Stargazer: You know that he had some unfinished business with another relationship unfortunately. And there’s a rub to the older dating scene: That there’s likely to be a lot of unfinished business circulating around.
I’ve been one with unfinished business and not known it until I had dated. The unfamiliarity of the dated person and the adjustments to be had sent me running back to what was the old shoe fit even for all that folly. And boy did I feel badly about that for the other with high hopes. That it was a date or two that sent me running back to the old shoe didn’t make me feel better for cowing. And I lied about what happened, too. I did it for them (They weren’t the problem) and I did it for myself (To not be written off as a player.) And I don’t date now fearing it could happen again and I dash someone’s hopes…. Which is not IMO the best solution for myself but at least, it saves a prospective suitor.
Is there any chance for you to get to the truth without judging it too harshly? I know it would take a lot of you since it hurt a lot to have him disappear on you and hurts even more to have your hopes dashed. However, healthy relationships require that and it’s kind of a breath of fresh air to have it. It takes encouragement though to get there.
I don’t think the aim should be to resume a romantic relationship because he’s got to get over the hump to do that and you can’t know when he’s over the hump… And he can’t know that either. I think the aim would be more like getting for yourself another layer of Teflon for what is more random than we care to think there is.
I’ve always admired the accounts of women for their robustness who had a sequence of suitors or even husbands. I know for most folk it means that they must have chosen wrong or not been too choosey in the first place. And maybe so. But they were also pretty unflappable, too. And some of the famous ones sustained friendships with exs over the years. In this day of age, when things are so much more complicated/entwined and just downright messy, I think there’s merit in the take these serial romancers/marriagers have… Even though I don’t know what exactly their take is. Still, it has to be something that protects them from making too big a deal out of the relationship that went south. And my bet is it’s something to the effect of “I’ll ride this horse until it bucks me off and then I’ll dust myself off and get back to the rodeo again.”
And if you could have that honest conversation with this dude, it would include: “Look, my hopes were riding high on us. And that was natural and expected: Because I really liked you and you me. Now, I know that it turned out to be the wrong time for you to put out that you were completely available. You found that out yourself. So, how about you and I put the romancing stuff on hold and just befriend each other? I might have some tips for you about ways to get over the hump.” And for that you get the anger dissolved and a more realistic layer of Teflon?
People are messy. It’s trying to not have it stick to you that has merit.
Bessy, karma DOES exist and none of us can escape it. It is a natural law. The energy you put out is what you get back. A sociopath is probably 1000 times more likely to get murdered, go to prison, or spend a life looking over his shoulder. At very least he will never be able to enjoy real love and connection. The karma may not be apparent to you, but it is a law of the universe. You can be assured that if you choose to walk away and not fight, someone else may choose to fight. Your decision to walk will be empowering to you, just as their decision to fight will empower them. Either way, there will not be a happy outcome for the sociopath. You can count on that. They will die never having known real human emotion.