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By | May 4, 2014 31 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The only hope I have is that Karma exists

Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by Lovefaud reader whom we’ll call “Bessy.”

A “relationship” that spanned one year will take me a lifetime, no doubt, to even try to comprehend. From my readings, which have been countless, I know there will never be “closure.” This person I didn’t even “invite” into my life, effortlessly wormed his way in very quickly and drove me to lose 80 pounds and become suicidal. In the blink of an eye. I would not even normally associate with this type of person he would never be in my circle of friends.

Right off the bat, I had glaring red flags and ignored or explained every single one of them away

Be more adventurous, I told myself. Give the “poor guy” a chance, he’s had it “rough” I said. Uh huh. I could “love him” back to wholeness. Sure.

A convicted pedophile

The ten, twenty to fifty or more texts a day in the beginning. The never-ending “noise” he created in my life, didn’t give me a chance to think. I was exhausted. Waking me out of a dead sleep to go “feed the fish in the pond” at 2 a.m. when I had to get up at 5 for work. I was in a constant state of disorientation.

Oh, I noticed his blatant flirting with every YOUNG girl around (I am ten years OLDER; he told me how grateful I should be to feel happy again “at my age.”) He is a convicted pedophile, having repeatedly assaulted his 11 year old over a two year period (ten years ago). Guess what? It wasn’t HIS FAULT (flag!). It was his cold, ex-wife who “neglected him” in that department so he wanted to “get back at her.”

A model husband who cheated and didn’t come home for days

In regards to his ex, she was a topic of conversation almost daily, even when I expressed over and over I did not care to hear about their intimate bedroom details, or how they did this or that together. He talked about her all the time, yet expressed total disgust for her. “Cheating, not coming home for days, didn’t take care of the kids…” Hmmmm.

Yet he said he was a model husband, didn’t drink, took care of the kids, was home every day after work. (He spends seven days a week in a certain sports bar he loves, and yet, tells me he can’t be an alcoholic because he switched from hard liquor to beer).

A one-sided relationship

My needs/desires/plans never mattered. It was a one-sided relationship, everything his choice. He planned our days. He planned HIS days (which may or may not have included me). I was stood up. I spent money on weddings he asked me to go to with him, only for him to disappear or deliberately cause a fight so he could go alone. He would spend hours and hours out grilling a hundred burgers and hot dogs for his bar “friends” but could not attend a funeral with me “who wants to sit for an hour around a bunch of sniffle bags?”

Potentially dangerous

I think he can be, from my numerous readings, dangerous. The only thing he ever did to me was rage, or once, slammed my windshield so hard I thought it would break. Given time, I’m sure he has a penchant for violence.

He displays every single red flag of psychopathy / narcissism. He uses people, but he is so “friendly and charismatic” people tend to WANT to help him. Nobody would believe me if I told them even a few things I know.

Unfortunately, this man was a coworker and I had to leave my job to escape. He triangulated me in plain view, daily basis. Even during one of his silent treatments, he would bake cookies for other women in the office and leave things on their desks. Mine? Never. Not even when we were “together.” Not one note, card, flower  — ever.

I have heard him look at someone who has a nice house or car and say, “I want to BE him.” Envious to the max but a slacker at work. Does minimal to get by, so he can get to the bar by 3 pm to see his “friends.” The ATM and slot machines are his nights. Seven days a week.

Pathological liar

Pathological liar, every single thing was exaggerated or plainly so stupid to be true that came out of his mouth.

He stood me up once, saying “I forgot I had an MRI appointment at the hospital this morning. I’ll be gone most of the day.” Wanting to be a support, I took off for the hospital and surely, he was not there. Thinking I had the wrong hospital, I drove to three others. No MRI appointment. I finally got him by phone, and he said “oh, I didn’t mean MRI. I meant doctor appointment to talk about getting an MRI, I’m at the clinic now.” I was not far away, I said I’d be right over, and he said okay. I drove there and guess what, no doctor appointment. He was nowhere to be found.

And of course, this triggered a several day “silence” from him and then he just called again, as if nothing happened, totally ignoring the fact I spent hours driving around looking for him. He lied about EVERYTHING. Even when caught, he lied more, or raged and I got silence.

Looking at other women is part of therapy

He even told me that his “therapist” from his sexual assault conviction told him as part of his treatment he is supposed to “look/ogle other women, so that I can decipher my thoughts properly and not objectify them.” What a piece of work!!! Telling me that he “has” to constantly stare and flirt with other women as “part of therapy.” Really?

Never gave me any compliments, only criticisms. Made me feel “less than” always. Could not remember my birthday, it came and went, with him nowhere to be found. Yet he could describe in detail, from her earrings to her shoes, a pretty girl who stood in line at the bank in front of him six hours ago.

Reckless driver

Very reckless driver, he will do 125 mph with his elderly mom in the car on winter roads. Often drives drunk. Thinks traffic is something HE should not have to contend with and will drive on the shoulder, over medians, anything to escape just waiting. If a nicer car passes him on the highway, he speeds up to “challenge” the driver. I was often very fearful with him at the wheel.

Obsessed with cell phone

His “office” persona and his personal, 3 pm transformation are amazing. This is why I could never tell anybody; nobody would believe me. Nobody. He gambles in excess. Drinks in excess. I have never “caught” him with anyone but I know he knows every strip club in a 200 mile radius and disappears for days/weeks. He is cell-phone obsessed; always face down, sleeps with it in his hand “in case mom has an emergency.” Takes it into the shower with him (work might need me).

He told me as if he were proud of it that he, as a child, “masturbated until I bled and still kept going.” And now even at 42, he likes his job flexibility as it allows him to run to his apartment a couple blocks away to “relieve myself” whenever work stresses him out.

No contact is hard

I am in week 4 of No Contact and it’s hard. It shouldn’t be; re-reading the above which is only a small, small part of what I dealt with.

Again, normally I don’t even LIKE this type of person; extroverted, type A personality, shallow as a rock. Doesn’t know or care about the community, the nation, what’s going on in the world. The world he lives in is strictly there for his entertainment. Wants nothing to do with paying bills, accountability, responsibility. This is how dangerous they can be: to totally mind control someone, anyone, and then play sick games and go on to slander and smear reputations. These people should be locked up. I hope, the only hope I ever can have, is that Karma exists.

Thank you.

“Bessy”


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OpalRose

Bessy – wow – thank you for posting your story (although not even close to everything he has done). I so understand. This describes my husband so well. He works for himself and can “clear” his schedule whenever he wants to meet up with willing women. He collects multiple checks from individual clients and then cashes some of them to hide how much cash he uses on his dates and other activities. He’s possessive of his cell phone too.

So you left your job to get away from him – good for you – but so sorry that had to happen – especially if you liked your job and co-workers. That’s so crazy-making – but a totally legitimate decision. I am planning my escape from my husband and hoping to have the time to plan No Contact to coincide with my leaving. So far – so good.

You are right – no one in our daily circles would believe us – all the lies – all the charms – all the crazy busy-ness of their lives. Always “on” and looking for opportunities. My husband will claim to those who will listen that my “coldness” drove him to violent porn. What helps me is to remember that he was addicted when I met him. He just hid it really well.

I did meet with a lawyer last week who turns out to be experienced in working with spouses who need to escape abusive partners. I am grateful for the resources which will help me to go No Contact.

I really appreciate your honesty about how tough the No Contact is just 4 weeks out. I am trying to prepare myself for that phase of my escape – newly No Contact. I admire your strength in choosing to get away from him.

No – we would *never* go looking for these people in our lives. But they cross our paths and we have no idea what we are really up against. These menacing spirits are dangerous. I’m sending you support and strength and prayers to stay strong and stay safe.

HopingToHeal

OpalRose,
With every post you seem stronger and stronger. I’m so glad for you! God is leading you to peace and freedom. You go girl! 🙂

OpalRose

HopingToHeal – thank you so much !! Your thoughts and prayers are so welcome !! Yes – God has been leading me every step of the way – from my first pleas to Him for clarity (leading me to Love Fraud) to my finding a lawyer who asked me if I had an “escape plan.” I look at houses tomorrow with a trusted friend and that is my next step.

One step at a time. One day at a time. With gratitude for how far I’ve come. Your advice on being careful is exactly right – I am staying calm. I appreciate your wisdom so much – you are inspiring. I’m sending you strength for your journey – I am right behind you. How are you doing ?

HopingToHeal

Good luck on the house search. Moving forward must be very empowering. You are so right, God has been leading me too. I must be a little thicker headed and He had trouble getting the message through. Finally my head and heart have synced. Yay! But I know Gods timing is perfect.

I’m looking forward to being just me.

Please let us know how the house search goes. You are doing great with your decisions! I’m so happy for you.

Stargazer

Dear Bessy, I can relate to many of the things your sociopath did. I only dated mine for 3 months. He also did the no-shows with these wild excuses that sounded believable. He strung me along for 3 months believing he was separated and then divorced, all the while still married. I had never encountered a pathological liar before, and didn’t really understand what a sociopath was until a friend told me to google “seductive sociopath”.

I have some good news for you. You probably will not spend the rest of your life trying to comprehend what he did. The reason is that once he is out of your life for long enough (not sure how long this will be), you will feel some of the addiction breaking. At a certain point, you will stop wondering or caring what was going on with him. You will just move on with your life. It took me about a year. It’s a predictable process, and the only thing that differs from person to person is how long it takes. And even that is partly under your control because there are things you can do to move on faster.

The one thing I would admonish you against is using words like “always” and “never” in describing how/when you will get past it. Words carry a lot of power, so be careful what you tell yourself.

Bessyisbusy

Thank you. It feels like it will never end. I’ll hear a song. See his make of car. It sends a “startle” reflex but also a sadness. 9 months NC now; it still hurts. But I have had time to get things sorted out; the lies I didn’t see then, I see now. The red flags I SHOULD have seen then, I see now (and in other people). I have time to reflect that I did not have as he just created so much “noise” in my life, always keeping me off balance, a whirlwind of activity then silence, activity, then silence.

I reflect on his stories of his ex; how she said or did this or that and made me feel “sorry” for him (they LOVE pity). Now I feel for this poor woman.

Most of all, I look back and CRINGE at how I had to play “detective.” It was that crazy and I was that hooked. I wanted to hire a private investigator. I wanted to put spyware on his phone and computer. I drove by at 3 a.m. I was well on my way of becoming a stalker!!! He made me CRAZY. I wanted to know what he was doing all the time, because in my gut, I KNEW it was no good. I wanted to “catch” him. See a cell text. Hear something. See something. Prove to myself I was not the crazy one! If one good thing came of this, it is that the saying is so true: the minute you feel you need to play detective with your significant other is the minute you should absolutely, utterly walk away. There is no trust there and without that, forget it. Never again will I play detective. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That’s my motto now. And I place NO value on words, I place value on actions. That is harsh and I hope I can believe words again, but boy, actions better back up those words.

HopingToHeal

Bessy,

Thanks for the honesty of your story. My husband is the exact same pervert and my heart hurts for you as you work through the betrayal. Survivors on this site assure us that there will be an end to the heartache.

It’s a confusing feeling to understand what’s happening yet still long for the person who is hurting us. Like you said, when you read the words, you know you shouldn’t but you still do. When I first came to LF, I was shocked at the life stories that people share. They all seemed so bizarre. But as I began working through my own history and began to absorb reality of who I was married to, I realized what a crazy, out-of-control fiasco of a life I was in. When I read it in print, I think to myself WHAT WAS I THINKING? Thank God, I’m not in that place right now.

4 weeks of NC- that’s awesome! I’d sure like to know how long it took for most people to begin to lose the desire to talk to their abuser. If only our hearts could absorb the truths like your Spaths masturbation story. Eww yuck! But every Spath has a story just like that. And the therapy of looking at other women. Haha, yeah right. Mine claimed his therapist advised “me time” to heal.

Again, I’m so sorry for you. Since I began this process and understand how much terror is imposed on victims, my heart stays heavy knowing of the innocent suffering of such good pure hearted people. I’m glad you are away and safe. I look forward to when OpalRose can share her story of breaking free. Praying for y’all.

Stargazer

Dear Hoping, I forget whether you are in counseling? I have found that starting to trust a therapist (which is a REALLY big deal for me) helps with my obsessing over the last guy who hurt me and the one before him too. Basically, I’m trading a fantasy relationship for one a little more real and grounded, even if it is with a counselor. I also have a platonic guy friend I’ve known for over a year now who is a safe person to open up with. Talking about the pain from my past with a trustworthy and safe person really helps to keep me grounded in reality. I feel that if I can develop a few real true friendships where I can be totally myself, this will spathproof my life because it is a way to take care of myself and get my needs met without looking to a romantic relationship for it.

HopingToHeal

That’s good advice, Stargazer. I’m glad to hear that you have found some trustworthy relationships. It has to make you feel more secure and empowered. I have been in counseling and I do trust her, but she was alsonin a Spath relationship and I think her feelings were coming into play too much. I trust her and she is a great counselor, but it had to back away for a bit.

I have isolated myself during this process. So much hurt and then way too much advice. People mean well, but pushing from others doesn’t help me heal. I am open to new friends. That will be a good place for me to start.

Thank you for your direction. You always share such wise advice.

slimone

Bessy,

Wow! You just wrote one of the best descriptions of a sociopath I have seen in some time! I am really sorry you were targeted. It is such a complete drain of energy and hope to run across these vampires. But LF is an awesome place for support and understanding.

A few of us were talking the other day about how we fell for someone who was TOTALLY not our ‘type’, sounds like it was the same for you. It’s a weird thing, when they are not the person of your dreams but you find yourself giving them a chance anyway. I did the same thing, more than once!

One of the remarks you made about him creating so much ‘noise’ in your life you couldn’t think straight, really jumped out at me. I think this is such a great observation, and it has been my experience on several occasions, with different disordered people. Each of them, in their own way, created so much noise in my life, either with the outright amount of communication put forward, or via ‘drama’, or being overly needy, that it made it difficult to have some quiet time to see how I was feeling.

And being able to listen to our deeper senses and feelings is KEY to avoiding these types. That is why they create this noise. They know if we have time to disconnect from the drama, etc, that we will find we are anxious, uncomfortable, hesitant, worried, sad, you-name-it.

I used to think when I felt these feelings it was an indication that something was wrong WITH ME. Now I understand that it means I am detecting that something is wrong that involves me, but is not because I am faulty or unadventurous, or too narrow minded, or not smart enough, or blah blah blah. But that my intuition is trying to tell me to OPEN MY EYES and feel the instructions coming from inside me to get away.

Stargazer is right-on about your healing. It will not take a lifetime. Though you will forever be changed, and your eyes will see people differently, it won’t take you too long to come to terms with what you have experienced. And the possibilty for recovery and happiness and fullness is completely available to you. It just takes time and a comittment to caring more about yourself than him. (or anyone like him).

You kind of have to both muscle yourself through the feeling addicted phase, and treat yourself with kindness and caring.

Slim

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Slim,
Thanks for your post. Lot’s of wisdom in your words. I have a VERY noisy boss – it’s a noisy situation and I don’t like it at all. But, a reminder that the noise is outside of me is very helpful.

I haven’t been on LF for a very long time, and am glad I came tonight as I am reading things I really need to read. I feel 20% less crazy already!

Best,
Onejoy

Onejoy – so good to hear from you! I hope you’re well.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Donna, I am still struggling with health issues – they are limiting and isolating, but I am continuing to work and tread water. At some point I will be able to move forward.

I have come to see the incredible damage the spath did to my ability to trust people.

My health issues and my damaged ability to trust keep folding back on each other. But I still hope and work for change.

Best,
Onejoy

slimone

Hey there Onestep! Good to see you. Sorry about the noisy boss. Keep repeating: It’s them, not me.

I know in most situations that it would be crazy to say this to yourself, but if you have to be around a crazy-maker, it is essential.

Again, good to see you here. I come back around from time to time. For me it’s in the reading and responding that I stay grounded, and connected to the truth of these types.

I am extremely fortunate that for now I have no crazy-makers in my sphere of interacting.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Slim,

It’ so nice to see some folks here who were posting when I was here.

The wisdom in peoples’ words is so helpful. It’s really hard for me to keep myself outside of the mess with my boss. And as I was writing this I realized that’s why it’s so stressful right now: the boss is going through some very difficult personal stuff – Onejoy is a sucker for hardship! This is the very quality in me that the spath played on.

Okay, knowledge is power. 🙂

best,
Onejoy

Bessyisbusy

I just came upon a camera I used on vacation with ex S. I knew I wanted a couple pictures (not of him) but had to look through them all. It was surreal. Like another lifetime, yet daily, some thought of him crosses my mind (bad or good–believe me, not much good).

The lies were just unbelievable. I could be sitting in the bar parking lot, looking right at his car, and he’d tell me he was fishing…describing in detail what he caught, the weather, how rough/smooth the water was, etc. He had a female (of course) best friend, who lived with him almost two years with her small children (not his) until she got on her feet. Swore he never touched her (but admitted he wanted more) and that he slept on the couch while she and the kids had the bed. Yeah, right. This was one of the weddings he notified me the DAY BEFORE that he was going alone to–after I had spent almost $300 on a dress, shoes, gift…but of course, he said he’d take the gift. I think NOT. He spoke with her several times a day, more than he spoke with me. Then he’d call me insecure, needy. (I heard those words a LOT).

The triangulation at work was the worst, it’s why I did leave. And yes, it was a job I liked. 🙁 But to see a 40-something blatantly flirting with a 20 year old was hard to watch. He would never call it flirting; he said he was “just a friendly guy!”

He name drops a LOT (he is somewhat friends with a professional sports person but this person does not call him or anything, it’s always ex S that contacts, they just went to school together). But to hear him at the bar, he’s “best buddies” with this guy, yada yada yada.

He invited me into his “circle of fans” and then boom, no warning, he told me I was “forbidden” to go to this club we would frequent. He told me nobody wanted to see me (typical). I was banned from his mom, his daughter…no reason. They can change on a dime. One day he’s proposing, the next, no text or call. If I dare mentioned I had a need or something I wanted to do, he’d say ok, but it never materialized. Something always came up. Or he’d pick a fight, and a silent treatment would follow for however long. Day. Week. Weeks.

He called me a Drama Queen almost daily; yet he was the one who had someone dying, sick, a work crisis, a health crisis…always a flurry of activity. He only slept, maybe, 4 hrs a night and even that was not straight sleep. Most people upon waking stretch, yawn, lay around a bit…he would open his eyes and BOLT out of bed, yelling “we’re wasting daylight!” Yet there was never really anything worthwhile we “had” to do, he just made the day up as it came. Hated plans of any sort. Hated change of routine, but would forever complain he wanted a better job, etc. But would never do anything about his complaints.

I started reading and observing. Sure enough, a new young girl (newlywed no less!) started working at the office (22 yrs old, max). Our newsletter did “new employee profiles” and I caught him reading it (even though it was for my dept; he had no business reading it, it didn’t pertain to him at all). The article said she liked to run and had dogs. He has a bad hip and knees and can’t have animals at his apartment. The VERY NEXT DAY, he was sporting $150 Reeboks (when he was behind on rent) and told me he was looking for a dog! WTH? In her earshot, he would say “I’m taking up running.” He forever had new hobbies (now I know they were only to impress someone out there somewhere). But with me, did he do anything I liked? Ever? NO.

The whole thing was just crazy. Like I said, I didn’t even LIKE the guy; he’s not my “type.” I have daughters; me with a PEDOPHILE? A FELON? But the charisma, the flattery, the love bombing, the wearing you down…I was vulnerable at work, a sitting duck. I can see how manipulation can be used for very bad things. Someone very skilled at is it is sincerely dangerous (he KNEW the right time to disclose things–he certainly didn’t tell me about his felony conviction right away–he waited until I was hooked). By the end, I was suicidal, lying in a fetal position on the floor, crying for days. It felt so PERSONAL. I felt less than a human being. From over-the-top attention to nothing. Who says they LOVE you and propose marriage–then goes weeks without giving you the time of day while they are playing at strip clubs and having the time of their lives without a thought of you? Letting your birthday pass, when just a month before, I gave him the royal birthday treatment from morning until night.

I was gaslighted, manipulated and feel emotionally raped. That is what it feels like. I gave and gave and never expected anything in return except decent treatment. By the end, when I was playing detective at 3 a.m., and considering spyware and hiring a private investigator, I started using those silent treatments to my advantage. I knew he was “off.” Just how “off” he was, I was in for the shock of my life. A sociopath? And a narcissistic one at that. I read all I could read; joined forums, etc. It was all there–everything I went through, someone else did, too. I was NOT alone. I was NOT crazy. I was NOT the insecure drama queen who couldn’t even keep a felonious pedophile’s interest. I wasn’t scum. I was–I AM–a college educated, attractive, intelligent woman. I have empathy–something he did not take from me. Something he will never possess. I was face to face with pure evil.

Tom Booker Echo

Hi Bessyisbusy,

I can identify with your story, especially with your two last paragraphs.

My female narcissist exchanged e-mails with me for five years like a single woman. Everything in our friendship implied she was single. She waited until I was hooked to reveal she was indeed married.

She lied by omission and then played the victim. I bought it. And I only got this information partly because I pressured her, partly by chance.

It shows that they never had our best interests at heart, only theirs.

AnnettePK

Your story has many similarities to mine. My ex P used hypnotic techniques on me – I was basically hypnotized into going out with and getting involved with someone I didn’t really like, and totally not my type in any way. It was like being under a spell.

SER

Bessy…how did I miss your original post back in May? OMG…this man sounds so very much like the one I dated. It’s truly unbelievable. I know there are many similarities between spaths on here, but the things yours did were so much like mine it’s uncanny. Let’s add predator to the list of being a spath and narcissistic. Faced with pure evil is absolutely right. I swear satan sent mine to walk here on earth in human form. He literally even looks like a devil. I so wish I could post a picture so everyone could see it for real! But I know I can’t. He has that pointy chin and the grin just like the pictures we see depicting the devil. Chilling. I really do not think he is human.

slimone

OpalRose,

We haven’t ‘spoken’ here on LF, but I now understand you are planning your ‘get away’. I am sending you some cyber support, and am cheering you on!

Slim

OpalRose

slimone – thank you – thank you – thank you !! I keep moving toward my goal while staying calm and not giving myself away to anyone except the LF readers/posters and the handful of local people who are helping me. If not for LF, I would be making so many mistakes right now. Your support is greatly appreciated. The information on LF is a lifesaver.

Your post above is so helpful to Bessy and to me. Listening to our deeper feelings and realizing they are telling us something is wrong (not with us) is such a different perspective from what I grew used to (amid all the noise). It is lifesaving to get the real message – which is to get away. Thank you for your post.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Since it’s Sunday, I’ll say AMEN to OpalRose and EVERY post above. It’s only in hindsight that I realized my ex was smearing me to ME! He insisted that I was what he said I was (thus my moniker) and darned if I didn’t go along with it for a long time. I thought… well, I was born in a screwed up family, he must see something I didn’t see. It fit because I KNEW there was something wrong with me but I couldn’t figure out what it was.(I found out this is NORMAL for abused kids, who are blamed and scapegoated for all kinds of stuff they had NOTHING to do with.)

Don’t let those sociopath DEFINE you. Sit down and define YOURSELF. Be honest. Don’t shame yourself. It’s NOT YOUR SHAME. Here. I’ll get you started: You are capable of LOVE, you are thoughtful of others. You are nurturing and sensitive. From now on, when someone tries to smear you, know that it’s not about you, rather they are PROJECTING their lack.

AMEN ya’ll. I do get a little sentimental when I read and I realize I am not alone. Thank you and AMEN.

OpalRose

Wow – Not What He Said of Me –

Your entire post – All so Well Said !! So helpful to know we are not alone.

russconte

Hi Bessy,

Several things – all positive. Fist of all, yes, karma exists. But that’s not the real good news here. Beyond what others have already written about the path back toward healing and wholeness, I’m going to advise you not to rely on karma alone in your recovery. If you rely only on karma, then you are giving up almost all of your power. You might as well just put your power in a box, hide it in the closet and never take it out again. There is a much better way 🙂

On the other hand, if you take full responsibility for your recovery, claim the power you genuinely do have, get a solid network that will support you, improve your life in every way you can, that will accelerate your healing as much as possible. Your path of healing is a choice you will make. I think i speak for everyone that we are wishing you (and everyone who ever goes through this) the fullest and most complete healing possible.

Don’t hand your power and strength away – claim all of it, and build everything you can to get as strong as you can. The path will be challenging, and the results are more than worth the effort.

You will not only get better, you will heal. It will take time and discipline, but you’re going to succeed.

Jan7

Betsty, thank you for your post. I too had no interest in my ex h what so ever…he was a friend of a friend who introduced us just to hang out as friends…we all went to the same college but I did not know him then. I moved to a new state for a job and he lived 20 mins from my new apartment the mutual friend introduced us.

I thought no harm to hang out with him and his friends since I did not know anyone in the town…I ignored my gut over and over and over….there was a Macy Day parade of RED FLAG marching band behind him where ever he went…he kept pushing my boundaries over and over….

I look back and can not believe I wavered in my convictions and allow this evil person into my life. My first impression of him was he was a “tornado”…second time meeting him I thought he was “crazy” …literally I though he was crazy…

My gut was DEAD with my assessment of him who he was but he is one of the high functioning sociopaths on this planet and he quickly used pity play, triangulation against everyone, pathological lying, and high anxiety chaotic behavior to manipulate me into a relationship with him. I had NO interest in him what so ever…I did not want to date him, move in with him, marry him or stay married to him…but I did all of that..The problem was I never had been educated on how to spot a sociopath, had I, I would have run the first second I though he was a “tornado”.

My closure for me was finding out the truth about who he is…a sociopath…that first day my new counselor after I escaped told me that he was a sociopath that was the day my marriage was over in my mind, I had my answer for all of his craziness and why I was emotionally broken down. I then researched everything I could on his mental disorder, how I was manipulated, mind controlled, brain washing, gas lighted, pity play on and on…it all made sense as to why I could not escape sooner from his grip.

In divorce court I truly witnessed how quickly he could literally mind control everyone in the court system…it’s quite shocking but there it was plan as day he hypnosis people…I know for me I had no chance to run from him in the early days, like you he called my phone message machine 5,10, 15 times a day while I was at work…I would get home from work and say to my self I’m not calling that guy back but he would show up at my home unannounced.

I left my anxiety level was through the roof (as with all the years together) I had health issues I now know had to do with all of his craziness he inflicted on me daily. Besty look into Adrenal fatigue it sounds like you have that as most women leaving abusive relationships suffer from this…see drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org take his quiz see his symptoms list, drlam.com see his symptoms list, womentowomen.com, mialundin.com read her book.

I am truly sorry that you have suffered so much at the hands of this evil man. I am thankful that you and all of us have found this wonderful site are free but most importantly know the truth about our ex’s and this evil world. I pray everyday that every women on this planet learns the truth about this evil world before they too are sucked by a sociopath.

Viewpoint

The karma has already started at your hand. And your promise (not hope) rests in something about you, that you might not see that I do.

The Karma: You’re not going to have his life, while he’s stuck with it and by your own description, an insomniac and ball of anxiety as he deserves to bej. You’re not always going to have the emotions you are shouldering/suffering now while his won’t change.

The Promise that You Show: I’d bet my ranch that you’ll be back on your feet solidly in less than a year because you signed out of the looney bin after just a year” Didn’t take you a decade or more. And most impressive is that you understood that it was the noise factor of life with the loon that got to you the most” Not the other miseries. That says that what you dearly value is being productive. (I have no idea how you got anything done in your life this year.)

Maybe you don’t have much confidence in yourself, right now, but it really is a stand out factor that you recognized how much the noise was impacting your life. You’ll be back to productive soon and it won’t be long before that year of your life will be so foreign to you. Far from a lifetime taken to resolve what happened, you’ll be past it within the year.

Your state of mind is quite normal in the recent aftermath of looney. Don’t ever think that it is a predictor… More than that value to being productive.

Tom Booker Echo

Dear Bessy,

Your words reminded me of a few things I thought about after giving up on my female sociopath:

(1) ”“ There’s only very few things to be comprehended. No rationality can come out of the irrational. The only things to be comprehend are the manipulation tactics used on us and the motives behind them. The rest is emptiness. With time the brain helps us understand what was behind the many hurtful episodes.

(2) ”“ In our situation, “closure” is something that will not be “given” to us. It’s not in the best interests of a manipulator: it takes effort and more lying. We have to take it for ourselves: read about sociopaths and act in order to save our lives from these intrusive parasites.

(3) ”“ I was ashamed of myself for having allowed that type of person into my life, but I couldn’t deny I WAS DECEIVED, WE WERE DECEIVED. Then I could begin being more gentle with myself.

taralav

I can relate to the lies, about the dumbest things like what they had for lunch…or where they were going. One time my ex said he was taking his son to a Navy football game. It was odd because he had not mentioned it at all until that day. I don’t think he went. I asked for pics..he found some online and sent fake pics of the field..and when I asked him where the ticket stubs were..he did not have them either.

The lies caused me to act in ways I normally wouldn’t. His entire family dubbed me as “insane” because he would just take off..well after the first 2 years I had enough. So when he would take off..i went to his moms. I went right to her.and I would sit outside her house until he came out. Normally I would not act like that. But this is a 40 year old man taking off on me..when it was time to pay bills.

So-in the end after 6 years I was discarded and he had already been cheating..his family looks at me as the toxic one. It has been terrible.

Stargazer

Wow, there are so many red flags in this story that if you were not already “hooked” by someone like this, a healthy person would run for the hills. But I still identify with this story.

As I read this, I reflected back on the disordered men I dated, fell in love with, briefly dated, and almost dated from the past. Every time, there were a few red flags. Maybe they weren’t as glaring as this example, but they were there nonetheless. So why did I proceed? That magical feeling, the chemistry, the promise of fulfillment of some sort of fairy tale romance…….this was all so alluring.

The guy I recently walked away from I only dated a few times. He first came into my life almost 4 years ago, but I was very guarded with him, so it didn’t faze me when he just got busy and I never heard from him. The second time he came into my life this January, there were a few red flags. I rationalized them because we had a strong chemistry and he had many qualities that I rarely find in a man. I was more ready for a relationship, and I thought we would be a good match. He acted like he thought so too. He said things like, “I can see myself falling in love with you,” and “You’re someone I would want to move to Costa Rica with.” Though I remained guarded (I know all about love bombing), on some primal level, this must have triggered my Cinderella Complex, because after only a few dates and makeout sessions (Thank God I didn’t sleep with him), I was hooked. So when he disappeared this time for 3-1/2 months, later blaming the disappearance on his retreating into a shell after the death of a friend, it really did hurt and confuse me. When he came back into my life two days ago, with a voice message giving me the excuse for why he didn’t call me and how I should give him another chance, I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that I would never give him the time of day again. The old me would have called him back to listen to what he had to say, as if there would be some way to revive the fantasy and excuse his past deeds. This time I just felt angry. So angry that I don’t even want to listen to him. I just went no-contact and that’s the end of it.

However, I have found myself thinking about how angry I am and what I would like to say to him about his game playing and wasting my time. I am watching my reaction to his recent phone call and just amazed that he STILL can have this affect on me to where I want to tell him off. I realized that THIS IS HOW WE HOLD ON AND DON’T LET GO. AND THIS IS WHY NC IS SO VERY IMPORTANT. We want to communicate our feelings to someone who obviously didn’t care about our feelings in the first place. I realize now that this man is a narcissist, putting his own needs first and foremost. Was he seeing other women in the time he wasn’t calling me? Who knows? Who cares? Not my problem. But yes, there is that part of me that still wants to stay connected, that still wants to tell him off to see if he crawls back and asks for forgiveness 1000 times until he has finally paid his dues. In short, I want him to be my dream man who has come back to claim his fairy princess. And yet my mind is screaming, “LOOK AT HIS BEHAVIORS.” He has established a pattern of behaviors. And these usually don’t change. If he abandoned me before, he will do it again.

I was recently reading somewhere that the drive for romantic love isn’t an illness or an addiction – it’s a biological drive. We all have it, and it is something we strive toward unconsciously, whether we like it or not. It’s a very strong biological imperative that perpetuates the species. And women can bond quickly. Obviously, that guy didn’t bond with me. If he had, he would have been calling me and trying to see me in the past quarter of a year. So I am now strong enough to do what is in my best interests – just walk away. The longing and romantic drive has been triggered by his call, and he was the last person I felt it for, but I see it for what it is. It’s about my needs and not about him. I don’t need to act on it. But it is the hardest thing to just walk away without giving him a piece of my mind. The thing is, with disordered people – as I believe he may be – they won’t hear it. So there’s no point.

And this is a guy I only dated a few times. Wow – the biological imperative is very very strong. That’s why we get hooked.

Viewpoint

Stargazer: You know that he had some unfinished business with another relationship unfortunately. And there’s a rub to the older dating scene: That there’s likely to be a lot of unfinished business circulating around.

I’ve been one with unfinished business and not known it until I had dated. The unfamiliarity of the dated person and the adjustments to be had sent me running back to what was the old shoe fit even for all that folly. And boy did I feel badly about that for the other with high hopes. That it was a date or two that sent me running back to the old shoe didn’t make me feel better for cowing. And I lied about what happened, too. I did it for them (They weren’t the problem) and I did it for myself (To not be written off as a player.) And I don’t date now fearing it could happen again and I dash someone’s hopes…. Which is not IMO the best solution for myself but at least, it saves a prospective suitor.

Is there any chance for you to get to the truth without judging it too harshly? I know it would take a lot of you since it hurt a lot to have him disappear on you and hurts even more to have your hopes dashed. However, healthy relationships require that and it’s kind of a breath of fresh air to have it. It takes encouragement though to get there.

I don’t think the aim should be to resume a romantic relationship because he’s got to get over the hump to do that and you can’t know when he’s over the hump… And he can’t know that either. I think the aim would be more like getting for yourself another layer of Teflon for what is more random than we care to think there is.

I’ve always admired the accounts of women for their robustness who had a sequence of suitors or even husbands. I know for most folk it means that they must have chosen wrong or not been too choosey in the first place. And maybe so. But they were also pretty unflappable, too. And some of the famous ones sustained friendships with exs over the years. In this day of age, when things are so much more complicated/entwined and just downright messy, I think there’s merit in the take these serial romancers/marriagers have… Even though I don’t know what exactly their take is. Still, it has to be something that protects them from making too big a deal out of the relationship that went south. And my bet is it’s something to the effect of “I’ll ride this horse until it bucks me off and then I’ll dust myself off and get back to the rodeo again.”

And if you could have that honest conversation with this dude, it would include: “Look, my hopes were riding high on us. And that was natural and expected: Because I really liked you and you me. Now, I know that it turned out to be the wrong time for you to put out that you were completely available. You found that out yourself. So, how about you and I put the romancing stuff on hold and just befriend each other? I might have some tips for you about ways to get over the hump.” And for that you get the anger dissolved and a more realistic layer of Teflon?

People are messy. It’s trying to not have it stick to you that has merit.

Stargazer

Bessy, karma DOES exist and none of us can escape it. It is a natural law. The energy you put out is what you get back. A sociopath is probably 1000 times more likely to get murdered, go to prison, or spend a life looking over his shoulder. At very least he will never be able to enjoy real love and connection. The karma may not be apparent to you, but it is a law of the universe. You can be assured that if you choose to walk away and not fight, someone else may choose to fight. Your decision to walk will be empowering to you, just as their decision to fight will empower them. Either way, there will not be a happy outcome for the sociopath. You can count on that. They will die never having known real human emotion.

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