Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who posts as “freebird.” Names have been changed.
My story started July 24th. I had just joined plentyoffish.com, very ambivalently, as I was looking to hopefully meet someone worthy of my time.
I received a message from “Karl.” He was soooo hot, five years younger than me, just moved here from New York. I’ve always had a thing for the northerners.
I found myself excited to get his messages, and the only reason I’d get on it at one point was just to talk to him. We switched numbers and talked a little before we met.
He told me that he moved here to start a company with the goals of it merging with his prior company, and that his family and work were somewhat linked. His company is in advertising and marketing, all things that I know little about, and didn’t want to pry too much in fear of sounding stupid or “not listening.”
Immediate chemistry
We met at a bar, and had immediate chemistry. We had a great time, and he really made me laugh. He came over afterward for a movie, and we were magnetized to each other in a way I’ve never experienced. It took everything in me not to have sex with him that first night.
He gave me tips and pointers on how to be “hidden” on the dating website so that my mailbox wouldn’t blow up, and I could call the shots instead. I felt that was strange but I wasn’t trying to be presumptuous, this was the first date.
He was staying with his aunt and uncle while he looked for his own place. I went over the next day, as they were out of town. I had lots of sex with him, once even in the pool when he said, “yo, I don’t know you like that. We don’t know if one of us is gonna cheat on the other,” in regards to not using a condom that time.
Things were strong: chemistry, passion and attraction was thru the roof. He even told me that “if you play your cards right, maybe you can meet my aunt and uncle someday.”
He texted me EVERYDAY, always mentioning things he wanted to plan with me. Sometimes his plans would be along the lines of “within the next day or so,” in order not to disappoint me if “something came up.”
He told me that he found me on facebook but that my profile was so private and that he was so interested in “trying to figure me out.” We became fb friends and I scanned his page. Not much there for the most part.
His current location still said “New York City.” I also found it odd that for someone who has lived in multiple cities around the country, that he only had like 200+ friends. That’s unusual. His pictures that I liked, I was one of a very few, like five. Made me wonder early on if he was hiding or if he had pissed a lot of people off or something.
He got my brain twisted right away. I think it was only week one or two and we were having sex and I said, “Hey, are you sleeping with anyone else?” he said, “What? No. I’ve been wanting to ask you the same thing.” I trusted that and told him my reasoning for asking was because we weren’t having safe sex.
Business trip
He went to Austin early on for a “business trip.” I remember making a comment that I haven’t been to that city in a long time and needed a reason to go myself. He made a comment that I could always go and maybe meet someone off plenty of fish out there! Red Flag. Made me wonder if that’s why he was going, but we were always very playful with each other, but I felt pained by his comment.
We weren’t in contact much that weekend. I just figured he was busy out of town. When I contacted him with how was it, he just said, “miss me already?”
When he came back, I felt a little distance, and just told myself from that moment that I HAVE TO stay on guard with this one.
One day he came swimming, and he was wearing sunglasses he found in his car. He then stated that “these are girls’ sunglasses. Some girl must have left them in my car I guess.”
Again, I tried not to trip. He doesn’t know anyone here, but maybe he had a friend of the opposite sex, I don’t know. He just always said stuff to keep me on my toes. I loved it in a way, but it was eating at me and my whole demeanor became consumed with him and trying to figure him out.
Divulging my secret
I think it was only about a month in, he was over and he told me that he really liked me but felt like I was holding back. I then told him a vital piece that I had held out about myself, which was that I used to be a major party girl, and had suffered some consequences and I got a little teary eyed. He placed his hand on my knee and I told him I hadn’t told him because I just liked him so much and I didn’t want to push him away.
We came inside and he IMMEDIATELY suggested that we both deactivate our plenty of fish accounts because he wanted to “see where this can go.” So reassuring especially after I just vulnerably told him my business.
The next day, he texted me to ask if I could meet his aunt and uncle for dinner. Another way for me to trust him.
The only thing he wanted me to tell his aunt and uncle if it came up, was that I had previously met him in Houston. It DIDN’T come up, but I understood not wanting to admit to meeting someone online.
I remember asking his aunt and uncle if they all worked together because of his comment that work and family were kind of tied together. They look at me confused and said, “we’re retired!”
Blowing me off
He made me mad one night by being flaky, and blowing me off and I refused to take his calls, and he brought my favorite Chinese food up to my work. They told him I was off but that I was at home.
He told them that I was mad at him and just to let me know it was there. I thanked him later and we made up and I asked him why he didn’t just bring it by my home (I live at the apartment complex I work at), and he said he didn’t want to disturb me and that if I had another guy over, it would have “broken his heart.”
I often felt offended that he would even consider that kind of behavior from me. Every time he came over, he’d ask if I had been “snuggling around.”
I always said no of course but I’d ask him back, to see his reaction while it resonated that he either didn’t trust me, or that he was projecting his infidelities onto me.
Another trip out of town
One weekend he was going to Philly for a music thing with some friends from NY. He told me that he wished I could come. I later texted him that if he was serious, that I actually probably COULD. He said he’d talk to his friends and let me know.
Well, he never mentioned it and just off he went. I told him that I needed him to start meaning what he said, and vice versa. He agreed that was something he should work on.
I picked him up from the airport and he said he partied too hard and that him and his buddy ended up getting in an argument and he had to stay with another friend. I asked details and he said it was something he didn’t want to talk about.
Around month 2, his parents were coming into town and he told me that “they wanted to meet this Freebird girl.” I told him of course I’d be happy to.
On Tinder
My cousin came over with a screen shot of him on Tinder, a DIFFERENT dating app. I confronted him via text and he playfully said he could call tech support, that he wasn’t really on it, and I didn’t respond for a day.
The next day, I TEXTED HIM, acting sorry for overreacting. He assured me he wasn’t ‘using’ it and I was telling him that I was just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t still “looking elsewhere.”
I was patiently waiting for these plans to come up about meeting his parents. He said they “got too busy,” and again I got mad at him. Same stuff once again.
He then told me that he was also still a little mad at me for ‘CALLING HIM OUT!!” for the online dating app. I told him “wow, being called out is admitting guilt.”
He disagreed and kept pleading his innocence. I eventually asked him why his fb profile still said New York. He said that it’s because he didn’t tell hardly anyone that he moved.
State fair
We went to the state fair, and I posted pictures of us. While there, I asked him if he was going to spend the night with me again, which would mean all weekend! I had always joked with him about being his “weekend girlfriend.” Some weeks it was weekdays only, some it was weekends only.
His response was that he needed some good sleep, and that he didn’t need to spend the night with me “two nights in a row, and that he was a ‘freebird’ after all.”
I of course got my feelings hurt and told him that I’m sorry I’m “such a drag.” He ended up staying anyway but we were tense. He then said, “hey I don’t want to make you mad, but can I untag myself in that picture you posted?” “What?” I looked at him steaming with tears rolling up in my eyes as if everything was coming full circle in my face.
He then agreed as long as I took away the caption as it said “state fair of texas.” “It’s not that I mind being tagged in a picture with you, I just don’t want people knowing I’m in texas.”
Playing me?
I had definitely had about enough at this point. I’d get mad at him, ignore his calls, threaten to break up with him, and he always sincerely had a way of making me feel special anyway.
I was in between thinking “is this guy just aloof and clueless, or is he totally playing me?” It got to a point where I was constantly mad at him, and seeing the forest for the trees but too addicted to him to actually follow thru on my threats to leave. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t want to be wrong or paranoid and it be MY FAULT why we broke up.
One week he wanted to take me out to frozen yogurt, which I thought was cute. While we were there he discussed that I needed to start saving money so that him and I could travel together. He left early that night so he could go home and “attend to emails.” That was always the reason.
The next night, after texting, it took him over three hours to respond and my head immediately went to “who is he with?” I confronted him and he played it off.
Didn’t trust him
The next day my heart was weighing heavy and he could tell something was up. I told him that I didn’t trust him, that my intuition was telling me things that I couldn’t ignore.
We talked and he assured me everything was cool and made me promise not to bring up the tinder app thing ever again, and said “you have to trust me.” I agreed to try, and move forward.
Things were really shaky and he got really distant. He called one night to tell me that everything with us was good, that he had a lot going on and stuff he wanted to talk to me about in person. We agreed to lunch the next day.
I texted, called, left a voicemail, and I GOT NOTHING in return as he stood me up. That night fuming, I sent him a message basically saying thanks for playing me, a**hole.
He called me repeatedly and said he really needed to explain. I let him over that night, where he came in crying that his mom was dying and that he hadn’t even left his bed or changed his clothes in a couple of days. I wanted to be sympathetic but I was also learning on just what scale his sociopathy was on.
Another dating site
I confronted him that yet another friend found him on yet ANOTHER dating website and that I need to be treated with respect. He said he changed his location when he moved here but still vowed that he wasn’t actively using any of them. He even said he trusted me 100%; this was MY problem.
I told him that night that if his motives and intentions with me weren’t pure, or honest then to please just let me go. “Intentions? I don’t have intentions, Freebird. I really like you a lot, obviously, and want to see where this can go with us.”
He asked me what I wanted and I told him I wasn’t sure. I agreed to do a date night that week while I still figured it out. The next day, besides a good morning text, he vanished. A night later I asked him via text to at least tell me that his mom is okay and that I was worried about him.
The next day, he replied with “hey, how are you?” Later that day, I texted him that I officially gave up. And I never heard from him again.
Pathological lying
I did send him a message detailing my thoughts on him that he is a pathological lying psychopath and he messaged back that “Freebird, just reading this now makes me very worried. I walked away on an entirely different situation and I don’t know how this got this far…I understand me not responding could make you think, but this? We are def not on the same page about anything you saying and that scares me…that’s what I had to say. Lastly, please tell me what you want. I have never stopped caring about you.”
I have now deleted and blocked all contact, but am so hurt, devastated, betrayed, angry and feel so violated.
I’ve been having panic attacks, major depression, and still my head goes to me being the crazy one, the blind one, while I wonder and painfully think about all the other girls he’s doing the same thing to, and wonder how far they go, before he has to fake another death. I’m plagued and want to strengthen up and move on from the man I thought was my dream man, the one I was already falling madly in love with.
Thanks for letting me share. This has been an awful experience and I want very bad things for him. I want answers but I know the answers are all right in front of me already.
Sociopaths–How They Lie and Why We Fall For It: Part 1
I am truly sorry for what your psycho put you through but you can pull yourself up now and know that this terrible ordeal taught you some very important lessons: 1) dating sites are a psychopath’s Happy Hunting Grounds
2) psychopaths use sex to hook you, take it slow, meet the friends, coworkers and family BEFORE you undertake a sexual relationship. Time is on YOUR side, not theirs and they’ll move out of your life and onto their next victim because SEX is all they care about 3) once you are involved with them sexually (it’s never romantic at least for them) they will CONTROL and dominate you. They get a big kick out of this 4) Once they have control they will take your MONEY. Trust me, every penny they can get their hands on. They LOVE MONEY almost as much as they love themselves. You were put through this Hell for a reason and that’s to WARN OTHERS so that they will not have to go through the same thing. It wasn’t fair for you to be victimized and it will not be fair to his next victims either. I see that you’ve already started this important process, and it is important because no one should go through Hell for no good reason. You owe it to the next girl to expose him, if you don’t you’re allowing his evil to continue. I’m praying for you and for all of the victims of psychopaths. I’ve been trying to divorce my evil psycho husband for three years and he’s still putting me through hell. I’ve been living in HELL with him since we were married in 1991.
Familiar story I am so sorry that you had to go through this It’s amazing how these men act the same. The closer you get to them the farther they run no matter how kind you are how much money you spend how long the relationship is the end result is always the same . The amazing thing is they don’t dump like normal people they keep you hanging in there while the torture goes on. I have a psychologist friend he was telling me about online dating that it is a Godsend for psychopath’s he also mentioned to me that many of his patients have similar stories like mine. My story is very similar to your story I stayed in the relationship with evil Ken for a year and a half finally I had enough I told him if you have no feelings for me let me go he initially told me I still like you why you want to rush to the end but after I pushed him for a few days finally he told me maybe it’s best not be together but he changed it to let’s be friends but no more intimacy we can hang out together which I refused. I was sad/happy that it’s finally over, at the same time I felt stupid for the time and money (in the thousands) that was wasted on this creature in addition being physically harmed by contracting a disease from him I was stupid not to use protection because he kept lying to me that he is not sleeping around but later when he had nothing to lose told me that he is dating a woman for a month and he has been intimate with her and the past year and half he has been with several women that the relationships with them didn’t lasted but with this new one he has so much in common. I was not angry but relieved that it’s finally over the roller coaster ride has finally come to an end I can have my life back and be happy again. last I saw him was seven months ago never heard from him again. it hasn’t been easy there are days that I miss him I never felt such a strong attraction to a man before he was highly sexual even though he was in his late fifties and I am forty something.The sad truth is they get away with what they are doing and nothing can be done to stop them the only way is to educate ourselves and know when to run and not look back before it’s too late.
Yes Vash16, very similar story indeed! All these Narcopaths use the same tactics which is EXACTLY why I outed him online. In some cases this is a dangerous thing to do but in mine, not so much. The N lives two hours away and still lives with his ex-wife (I found this out too late) who is his only mode of financial support; he’s broke, has no home (they live in her recently deceased mother’s condo) and his car isn’t even in his name. He is so selfish and self involved that I know he wouldn’t put himself in the position of going to prison. He also is aware that I’ve put the information in the proper hands so that if something does happen to me it will be well known who did it! Since the exposure it’s been silent (thank God) and the post I mentioned above from a high school acquaintance was answered with a simple statement about what he is and why the post was made. I am not afraid of him and I’m sure he knows that now; I took back my power and hopefully he will not be successful at continuing to hurt others. He targeted the wrong woman this time and I’m glad to do for all the others he’s duped and I know for a fact there are many. Oh, and there is at least one man he was involved with. You see, the N left his cell phone at my house last year on December 2nd and the jig was up! This predator HAD to be outed; he’s in his mid-sixties and is getting worse I think because he’s losing his looks; something he always banked on. I feel I did the outing as a public service! Peace and Healing!
RJ,
Excellent advice!
Dating sites to me anyway are horrible.
As you said there is absolutely no reason to rush into anything.
There are sites for that where people can get the friends with benefits they are looking for.
SITC
My story is very similar but with more time and complications involved. My life turned upside down in the process of being abused by this Narcopath! I did take it a step further in the end though; I outed the monster on cheating websites and have no regrets. He had no right perpetrate his evil on me and I put it out there for anyone who will take the time to Google his name and get the truth. I did Google him when I met and found all kinds of BS about what a faithful, devout Catholic he is, all bullshit! I also found the divorce and bankruptcy HE TOLD ME ABOUT, but of course he had no responsibility in any of THAT! I have almost one year NO CONTACT and am healing and at least have the peace of mind that he’s exposed. Just the other day a woman posted a comment on the cheater site about how sad it was that he turned out as he did (they attended high school together). I responded with more truth: He is a sick, twisted manipulator and now that is out there for- ever and for everyone to see as well. I AM MOVING ON!
sorry to hear what happened to you. I am glad you exposed him. The man I dated for a year and a half was married that I found out later had kids from previous girl friends never paid child support his passport was confiscated because of that. Had few other women pregnant which they chose to do abortion, his wife is supporting him, he is a serial dater on many dating sites. He uses women for sex and money. He was always broke I paid for almost all our dates even bought him clothes.It has been seven months for me of NC I feel free still have a long ways to go as far as being completely healed. This man was an artist his name is Ken he is 58 years old he needs to be exposed maybe that will stop him. You should see his Facebook page he has family pictures with his wife and kids, gives to charity, he is for women for better wages you name it he is a real wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Vash15 this guy i know is not married, never has been and no kids..just a serial dater. He is also 58. Religious- BEWARE. Any further info? He is taking me to court and I need to know if this is the guy. I wish I knew if he had put restraining orders on other women out there.
So ladies is it safe to out these men ? Isn’t it harmful to keep checking up On these people ? I want to let it go. I want the panic attacks to stop. I don’t want to add fuel to his fire. I just don’t want to know anything he does. I just want him to settle our affairs and move out if my house. Oh god. There is so much to do here. What a nightmare for all of us. I just want the pain to stop. For all of us I want the pain to stop. Now I’ll try to go back to sleep. Maybe two more hours and then things will be better ?
Stay strong and safe! Surround yourself with strength!! Read everything you can about convictions!!!!
Please contact me if you have been a victim in BIRMINGHAM MICHIGAN. Or around there!
I have a very good plan. And the more victims I get the more grand our end will be !!
Also, I would like to talk with Michelle Lewis! Please
One more comment
I understand the emotional toll this has on us. But !!!! We were in love with a different man!! We would never love a con man. Liar BSer stealer thief cheater!! Come on ladies shake it off get out of the story in your heads! and let’s go to work and get our retribution!!!!!
Mine is a 49 yr old man and his grown children!! Seriously. Breeding crime. Hundreds of thousand of dollars and my best jewelry !! A lot of it !! And a well known business.
He is a joke to me !!!! A Coward a faceless man! Our Human rights we have as women and my children he violated!
turbo911,
Can you give us a bit more info?
I have a friend that lives near Birmingham.
SITC
Hey – I’m not a victim of this specific guy but I live near Birmingham and would be happy to help in any way I can. Let me know!
Plenty of fish, tagged, and all of the other “free” dating sites should be banned. Just a game to the sociopath.
Caitlyn,
I met mine through a travelling site although I could clearly see his intentions were very different from travelling. Yes, he may like travelling but his aim was something else of course. He later told me how he once flew to someone and she only wanted sex if they were a couple so he told me he was not flying ever again to someone with moral restrictions like this.
And then, digging through google I found him on Hi5, which is the same as Tagged.
Caitlyn, I am with you these sites are poison.It’s a soiciopath and all other sickies playground.
Hello Vash15
I am new to this site. I read your comment about evil Ken in his late 50’s. Can we compare notes? This may be the same guy? You say he comes off as religious? Please let’s talk asap. His sister told me he has done this to many women. This may be the same guy.
Ken has been married for twenty one or two years that I am sure about he lives in southern California and he is an artist does this sound familiar to you also he is Agnostic not religious.
Caitlyn,
I met mine through a travelling site although I could clearly see his intentions were very different from travelling. Yes, he may like travelling but his aim was something else of course. He later told me how he once flew to someone and she only wanted sex if they were a couple so he told me he was not flying ever again to someone with moral restrictions like this.
And then, digging through google I found him on Hi5, which is the same as Tagged.
Vash & BlueDolphin,
Mine went from plenty of fish to tagged. On tagged he had several photos of himself, some religious quotes, and a quote about despising liars. I thought this was hilarious. A sociopath despising liars!!! Its like they have the right to lie pathologically and its ok. But if someone lies to them its unacceptable!!! They are soooo distorted!!
Yeah, the biggest hypocrites on earth! Hates liars, cheaters and selfish people. Whoop – there it is
Thank you DebbieW for your comment. Thank you for offering to help me.
Caitlyn – what you said resonated so much with what mine said. Wait for this….he said several times that for him it is critical that there is MUTUAL RESPECT and TRUST, that respect was more even more important to him than for me. I mean, this guy cheats on his gf day in and day out. He himself said that he has been cheating all his life as many people do and that that is nothing extraordinary. So he cheats on her and he lies to her about it,yet trust and respect are incredibly important to him.
In addition, one day we were walking along the street and I was trying to call a cab but he was next to me. Next thing I kind of saw he approached a little boy who was walking with 2 girls but didn’t hear anything or saw anything. At the time I thought it was because I was focusing on getting a cab but now I don’t know anymore. Thing is my guy comes to me and tells me “did you see what the boy was doing?” and he said “he was hitting the girl and I told him not to do that”. I only saw how the little boy was looking at my guy and he said “thanks” (strange comment to make when you are calling out on someone’s behaviour but anyway). So I thought my guy was so nice, telling this little boy how to behave and obviously showing that he doesn’t agree with guys hitting women etc….well on my last visit to him I touched him with a packet of tissues on his forehead and he got annoyed saying that he is very sensitive and that how I could do that, that I had no empathy, etc…I was in dismay at how someone could be reacting like this for such a stupid thing. As I couldn’t understand and was trying to he said that next time in order for me to understand he would have to beat me!!!!
This is the same guy who supposedly stopped a boy in the street telling him off for hitting the little girl. Then, he threatened me with having to beat me in order to understand.
I don’t get it, I simply don’t. Can’t he see that he contradicts himself constantly between what he says and does? I even once told him that his actions seem to go against the way he believes and he said that I am a smart woman and that only myself and another woman 5 years ago have told him that.
BlueDolphin: they are really sick. Sometimes i just want to wake up and just automatically feel better. These guys are so evil!!! Mine was 46 years old and i’m sure he’s set in his evil ways. I was thankful he never asked me for money but i’m sure if i had stuck around long enough he would’ve asked to use my credit in someway. I remember we were watching tv once and one of those credit karma commercials came on and he asked me About my credit score and i lied and played dumb and said No! As a long distance trucker I don’t know if he would’ve asked for money but i’m sure he woul’d’ve probably convinced me to sign on something using my credit if he had the time.
Caitlyn, evil is the word you said you want to wake up and just feel better I am waiting it has been over seven months and practically I think about it every day so many mixed emotions even at times I miss him which is hard for me to understand. I did everything for that man I found him a job gave him money for his art works since he always was complaining of being broke bought him clothes, paid for almost all our dates, he took and I gave what is killing me is I am very accomplished two bachelors good profession and all. They are good at what they do he was 58 and a pro I came out of a 35 years of marriage totally dumb and naive went online and in a matter of days met evil Ken the artist. I am sure he is using another poor soul for sex and if can get other stuff then it’s icing on the cake.
Caitlyn, I made a typo in an earlier post I came out of a 25 years of marriage I met my husband when he was 17 long time with one man, he is a decent hard working man I have one son with him but we became more like friends and we decided to go our separate ways.
Caitlyn,
My God, I am in dismay as we were just talking about the online sites the other day. Right, I know he is on Hi5. Before he was on a travelling site where I met him, which now has deleted because apparently gf asked him to. He said that he didn’t los much there anyway. Right, I am not going into the details but I know that before he was on couchsurfing and he wasn’t there anymore. I managed to look into his couchsurfing account (this is another story) and he kept sending messages to women to host them in his house, constantly. Couchsurfing is about letting people stay with you in your house for a couple of nights. Ok, some people gave decent references about him but there was one person who wrote the following:
“My experience with X was incredibly negative. The night began with us cooking dinner which was fine. We ate together, talked, and watched some TV. He slept in the same room on his bed when I slept on a mat on the floor even though it was a one bedroom apartment. The bedroom was “off limits” and his bed was in the living room. I woke up to him watching me sleep at 4:30 AM. Then he asked me to come to bed with him several times. I repeatedly said no. I ended up leaving and catching the first train into the city at 5AM. Overall it was an incredibly awkward and sort of scary experience.”
I don’t know if you read my story, which I posted here on love fraud (http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/09/02/letter-to-lovefraud-he-told-me-i-would-get-addicted-to-him/) but I am just shocked.
Dear freebird,
My story from 2008 with a 3-month affair with a sociopath was very similar to yours. Of particular interest was the no-show without a phone call and the outrageous lies to excuse it. Mine said he was having brain surgery, and he wove an entire story that made it plausible! I found profiles on internet sites (not even dating or relationship sites) that he told me he never joined. There were many inconsistencies, and he always explained them away. Like yours, mine was never cruel or blatantly mean. I never saw the sociopathic rage. Thank God.
I have the benefit of being out of the relationship for 8-1/2 years now and in a relationship with a normal, kind, and decent man for almost 9 months. Here are some things I’ve learned in the aftermath. They will probably be lessons for you too.
1. If you get a feeling in your gut that something is wrong, that things are not adding up, you’re probably right. A corollary of that is that if a guy seems too good to be true, he probably is.
2. Don’t ever be afraid to come out and ask what a guy is doing. Just ask directly. A man with nothing to hide will be fine letting you know, especially if he knows you are looking for someone you can trust. There is nothing wrong with letting someone you are sleeping with know you have standards and need to know you can trust them.
3. Never cut off all your dating options in the first few weeks/months. With the current guy, I kept one profile on a reputable dating site for a few months and talked with a few guys off and on, keeping my options open (though didn’t sleep with them or even meet them). I was completely transparent with him about what I was doing. And I asked him very directly about his dating life. I still have a profile up but it is deactivated, so I don’t use it. I probably will not take it down completely unless we get married, only because it’s too hard to create a profile all over again. It takes a minimum of 6 months to really know someone and sometimes a few years. Take your time to commit. If you feel like you are falling for him, make sure he is on the same page, and don’t be afraid to test him on it.
4. No matter who you date, I find the first few months of a relationship are the hardest while you are establishing trust. Honest and clear communication are really important here. I’ve found that if a guy is seriously looking for a commitment, he will welcome the honest communication and initiate it himself.
5. There IS life after the sociopath. It takes time to work through it, but it DOES get better. And next time you’ll be all the wiser.
Thank you so much everyone. I’m still really struggling, isolating, and feel like I’m suffering from PTSD AGAIN. His real name is Lars fyi if I can say that, and I often wonder if he total flaked out after I told him to let me know if he wasn’t true with his intentions and motives. I wonder if he FELT something and thought maybe I was someone who didn’t deserve his deceit. It was there all along. Id love to send his mom a fb msg and tell her I’m sorry to hear about her health. As I’m sure itd probably mess up his life.
Notice to members. Has anyone unfortunately met up with a guy from Pa. now living in NC? Beware of the con as he will use the law to control you. Rageful and delusional to say the least.His ammo is religious and waiting for God to provide.Please respond. He has torn my life apart.He is protected by his family and has gotten away with this for years.
I come here every morning. i check in every night. during weak moments I come here during the day. I need all the advice, enlightenment and support that I glean from every comment I read here/ I have good days and bad days. Today while I am in morning report just starting my day i get a text.Robert is rushing to the alter with this woman. He left 20 days ago. he has not even picked up his things and he is getting married. How is that possible ? He is a sociopath right ? I couldnt be wrong and he just feel madly in love with someone else right. There isnt a chance in hell that they are going to be happy and live a wonderful life right ? she will get her turn to be devalued, and abandoned right ? Ive been doing so good. I have been convinced that he is a Narcissitice sociopath and that he will continue to plauge the world with his womanizing and lies. why in the hell did his friend just ext me ? why would she tell me he is getting married? why do I even care ? Damn knocked down to my knees again. Just when i was doing so good.
The porn wont change right ? classified ads. other woman , a narcissitic rage when he gets caught. Those things wont change right ? I cannot bear that they will live happily ever after. He hasnt even moved out yet. god help me I am at work and totally loosing my mine here. what a difference 20 days make.
Right!
Nothing will ever change with Robert. Believe that.
He CANNOT change. The woman by his side will never make a difference.
All woman are NOTHING to him.
Stay strong.
I am a mess. I just can’t dtand that he maybe really in love and happy. I know this woman she stalked me when this happened 2 years ago. She is a floosy type kid and obnoxious.
He went back to her so maybe he is really in love. Maybe he is not what I believe him to be. Oh hell why do I even care ? He has hurt, lied cheated and taken me for all the money I could give him. I just can’t handle him getting married and living happily ever after. Not today anyway. What a horrible mess I have gotten myself into.
You see, that’s the thing.
He does not even have the capacity to ‘be in love’. He may be in so called love with an idea…but he cannot truly love anyone.
If he is not personality disordered, he would not have lied, cheated and taken from you.
This is a problem that we mere mortals seem to have with people like Robert. We second guess ourselves. I did it as well, with my son. I thought, perhaps I am wrong (even tho he was actually clinically diagnosed sociopath three times). Perhaps the diagnoses are wrong? Perhaps I don’t see what I see? I will start to see some shred of real human-ness in him in an email that he writes, or in something he posts on Facebook, and I will question myself yet again, along with the three psychologists diagnoses, and what we believe him to be.
BUT I KNOW that my son is ‘off’. I KNOW that he does things that prove who he really is. I know what he is capable of. ‘Normal’ people simply DO NOT DO the things that my son does.
NORMAL PEOPLE do not make us feel this badly.
emtuoba,
I so sympathize with what you are feeling. I too struggled HARD with how easily the Spath moved on, and left me for ‘greener pastures’. I was completely humiliated, ashamed, and felt worthless. I couldn’t comprehend that the reason he could move to the next person so quickly, and with such surgical precision, is because he couldn’t have cared less about me, and he saw the entire situation as only for his IMMEDIATE gratification.
But a sociopath simply does not make physiological or emotional connections with other people. They are biologically incapable of this level of human bonding.
Instead they relate to us like we relate to chess pieces. Just moving us around the board for their advantage. Period.
He is not happy. He is not sad. He is not worried. He is not scared. He is simply playing a life-game, constantly.
The entire ‘game’ is his creation, and is completely created to give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. He takes only those people into consideration that will create the end result he most wants. This has nothing ‘much’ to do with the individuals involved, other than the ‘goodies’ he can ‘get’ from that person. It isn’t the person themselves; it is the money, sex, travel, status, cars, he can get FROM them.
It is also about making the last person they were with feel horrible about themselves.
They often love to find someone right away, so that the person they left feels extra super horrible about themselves. They think this is a fun game. They feel powerful when they make their victims feel like total dog poop.
What we don’t understand when we are feeling so painful and awful is that them loving us and them hurting us are the same thing FOR THEM. It is ALL a game of usery. There is no difference between the ‘good’ part and the ‘bad’ part, for them. Only for us.
We believed the good part, and cannot believe the bad part.
And the truth is it is ALL a lie. The only real truth, that we know of, is that he loves playing this game of ‘hurt other people’. He loves being more powerful than others, by lying to them and keeping them in the dark. He loves taking people to the tops of mountains, and throwing them to their proverbial deaths.
Keep coming back here for support…it WILL get so much better, clearer, and less painful. Someday it won’t hurt at all.
((Hug)) Slim
After seven months I went to my Facebook evil Ken M was still on my friends list before I block and unfriend him my curiosity got the best of me and I checked on him noticed he is gushing over two females/targets and they are so flattered by his BS I knew both of them he met Suzette after me they are still going strong and the other one is one he left me for he told me about her before he breaks up with me 7 months ago after i forced the truth out of him the way I knew who she was he mentioned she is African American he had many paintings of her on his site he is a watercolor artist. By going back I broke the no contact which is going to set back my healing. The killer was not as much the females it was him announcing starting his new job the one that I found for him knowing the companies CFO which he never thanked me for at that point I was literally short of breath and feeling sick to my stomach I was feeling so stupid hating myself for doing too much for a sociopath.
It won’t go any better for the two girls he is gushing over. They will receive the same treatment sooner or later. As for the new job. That probubly won’t last either. Don’t go there. Don’t look anymore. Your only hurting yourself. I went to the other woman’s face book over thanksgiving so o could show my sister a picture of the home wrecker. Should not have gone there either. The pictures were staged it appeared just for me in case I was looking. It broke my heart. It pissed me off and it ruined my day. Won’t do that again. Live and learn. Be brave sweetie and just move on.
Thanks emtuoba, I feel your pain when you were at that woman’s Facebook . As you mentioned I have to move on we both have to do that I am grateful for this site that allows us to find people that understand what we are going through that is a huge help in healing. Thanks for being there for me in a time that I need the most help and understanding, I am going to be here for you till we both are healed and moved on.We can’t do it alone that I know for a fact.
It just doesn’t seem right that I hurt so bad. That you hurt so bad. It’s doesn’t seem right that I cannot sleep and then I sleep for days. It’s doesn’t seem right that upon waking in the morning that I close my eyes and beg to please go back to sleep. It doesn’t seem right that I am unable to breathe because the sky is blue. He just walked out. The washer doesn’t work. I can’t move things around without help. I feel like such a looser.
It just doesn’t seem right. This has got to stop. Please god make this stop.
It isn’t right. That is why it is wrong to do the things he did – lie, break his commitments, etc.
Vash
Update: got a call from a mutual friend of Robert and I.
She has come along way to come visit Robert. They have been friends 30 years. Robert told his friend that he cannot see her. The HOMEWRECKER doesn’t want them seeing each other. She will not allow it. Robert will not see his friend. Roberts excuse is that he is so in love with this woman that he will die without her. So she is now cutting him off from his friends. I think Robert has hooked up with a bigger narcissist than he is. He really believes he is in love. But wait how is that possible. Sociopaths don’t fall in love right ? What is going on here ?
emtuoba, sounds like Robert has found his match. If it make you feel any better just give it time they are going through the honeymoon phase. We should concentrate on healing I know it’s VERY HARD not to be sad that they are having a good time and moved on, but remember it’s all temporary for these personality disorder people they are empty shells they don’t know what love is they don’t bond having said all that again we should think about ourselves and what is going to make us happy one thing tell your friend that she can come and visit you, you can vent to her if you feel comfortable that is going to be very therapeutic for you. I don’t know how much of his stuff is in your house just contact him by text to come and remove his stuff give him a date you need not to look at his things. Ken gave me a painting for last Christmas I removed it last week and feel much better, do yourself a favor box everything and put them away.Remember I am here for you.
If he is a spath he is using her for whatever he wants to use her for. If he is a spath he is probably lying about being in love and telling any other lie that suits his purpose. She may or may not be not allowing them to meet. Anything he says may or may not be true.
I know her. I think they are using each other. I believe they are the same personality. I’m loosing interest in either of them as time goes on. But maybe it’s because I know that I am leaving for a week. I woke up again today at 3 am in a panic. Seems to happen almost every night. My sub conscious is working over time.