Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by the Lovefraud reader “Philip.” Names have been changed.
My very long story starts in December of 2004. My first wife, Lee, was terminally ill, and I was the only one that took care of her. I also had two teens, and they were not any help at all. My mother in-law had moved from out of state in order to give me some help. She was more trouble at the time than help. None of Lee’s family other than her biological mother came to help. As a matter of fact, they all pretty much kept their distance since she got sick. So, I took care of Lee, by myself, for about five years or more. I ended up having a breakdown. I was told that this was “Care giver burn out”. I gave myself excuses in order to defend my coming actions to myself.
I had a cardiac episode about two months before I left. I was in ICU for most of the week, and was told I would be sent to a bigger hospital for a card overt. I was terrified about this. I asked what it was, and the nurse told me that it is when they use the “paddles” to try to get my heart back into rhythm.
My heart ended up converting on its own the morning I was to go for the card overt.
Stress
So, I was scheduled for a stress test. I passed with flying colors. The doctor asked if I had any stress in my life. Stress? Who me? Excuse #1: He told me I had to get away from this stress, or this could happen again, and the possibility of stroke would be great.
Excuse #2: We needed a visiting nurse, and a program that would help my wife. My health insurance did not cover it. I made too much money to get help, and not enough to pay for it myself. I was told that if we were separated, my wife could get this help. She and I talked about this, and although neither of us liked the idea, we were headed in that direction.
One night, after a very bad day at work, I came home, and the first thing out of everyone’s mouth when I walked through the door was “what’s for dinner?” By this time my mother in-law had moved out and gotten her own place. She was never at the house anymore.
Time to move out
The house was a mess; the laundry needed doing, and then this. I snapped. I hit a depression that was unbearable. I was having a breakdown.
The next day I moved out. I knew a girl that had a spare room, so I moved there.
Big mistake. A lot of things went down, that I won’t go into detail about. I went to my doctor, and he prescribed Paxil. I was having trouble with it after taking it for a few months, so his P.A. changed me to Effexor. I still loved my first wife, and still do today. She filed for the divorce. Again, neither one of us wanted it, but felt that was the only way to get her the help she needed. I look back on all of this and my heart breaks. Pam forgave me of all this mess, and my children also forgave me. It took YEARS for me to forgive myself.
New life begins
I tell this story, to lead up to how “Jennifer” got her hands on me.
I met Jennifer on yahoo personals. We hit it off very well. She was beautiful. She liked all the same things I did. She seemed to share the same political views that I did, and much more that we seemed to have in common.
After chatting for about three weeks we ended up meeting for coffee, and hit it right off. This was in December 2005.
It wasn’t long before she was coming to my house and we were having some of the greatest sex I had ever had in my life. We also would go out and do some fun things together. During the course of the “after sex conversation” Jennifer told me that she was bipolar. I didn’t know much about it, except that a friend of mine suffered from it, and she would get depressed. Jennifer was “self aware” and on medication. I didn’t think much of it. I was not getting serious with her, as I had responsibilities at home. Before this, I had moved closer to work, so “home” was now an hour away. With Lee and I being separated, and our intimacy having been long gone years ago, I didn’t have a problem with having sex with Jennifer. I was truthful with my wife. I have a big problem with lying, and HAD to tell Lee the truth. Besides, Jennifer and I weren’t serious, I told myself. I was so blinded by my own feelings and hurts, that I wasn’t seeing how bad the things were that I was doing.
Experimenting with depression medications
In February 2006 I asked my doctor to help get me off of the Effexor. It had eventually had the effect over me similar to Xanax. No high or relaxation, but I couldn’t feel anything emotionally.
I was on the maximum dose of 225 mg. She told me no problem, and took away 75 mg. She never replaced it with anything, and told me it was fine. She was an M.D., and not a psychiatrist.
Within two days I was suicidal. I was scared. Jennifer had told me that she had 10 years working in mental health, so I sought her out. I took her and her children out to eat at Subway. I made sure that the kids sat in the booth behind us, with my back to them, so I could talk with Jennifer. She told me I should go to the hospital, so I did.
Checked into mental health unit; checked out of job
I was checked into the mental health unit. I was there for a week. My boss was pissed. I was a very important part of the “team” and was letting them down by being gone. I was eventually let go for “budgetary concerns” within the department.
I found out while I was in the unit that my M.D. should have NEVER prescribed the anti-depressants, and should have referred me to a shrink.
When I got out, this was when the game started. Jennifer basically “pounced” on me. She made herself everything I ever needed or wanted. I was a mess, and couldn’t believe that this wonderful woman wanted to take care of me, much less bring me “into” hers and her children’s life. Now Jennifer was separated from her first husband. I asked her how long they had been separated, and if there was a chance of getting back together. The things she said about her ex were horrible. I felt so bad for her and the kids. I was being reeled in. (I finally ended up getting to know him. He was a good man, that had been played by this woman.)
She had me, hook line and sinker. At the time her and her kids were living in housing. She didn’t have much money, so I didn’t have a problem “helping out” once in a while. She knew that I would, and always seemed to mention to me the money problems, and the things she and her kids needed from time to time.
I was still going “home” to take care of things for my family. I always told Lee what was going on, and she wanted to meet this Jennifer. I know, kind of weird, but Lee and I had that kind of relationship. I think that she wanted to check this woman out to make sure she was on the up and up. She loved me, and wanted me to be happy. At least this is what I had thought at the time.
First meets second
So, I loaded up the car with Jennifer and the kids, and went home with them. I took the kids outside, and Lee and Jennifer chatted for a couple hours. Jennifer had won Lee over. At least that was what I thought, because this is how they both acted. When Lee had to eventually go into a nursing home, Jennifer would go visit her during the day, while I was at work. She played board games with her, and rubbed her feet for her. She seemed like a godsend for everyone.
I was still having trouble with the Effexor, as I never got off of it. In the unit they decided that I was better off staying on it.
Under a bipolar spell
Jennifer wanted me to move into her apartment with her, and by this time I was all for it. She was an angel sent by God. While living with her I saw her bipolar rear its ugly head. She would have bouts of anger. It didn’t last long, and I was able to help her get past it. I really didn’t have any concerns about it. After a time we decided to buy a house together. Truth be told, since I was on the Effexor, and very agreeable to most anything she said, I think it was really her idea. Since I was unemployed at the time I had lots of time to look for a house. Jennifer and I had a blast looking at houses. Some of them were empty, and we were able to get into them and look around. In August 2006 we found a house that was an old church that had been converted into a house. It needed LOTS of work, but Jennifer assured me that she was very good at carpentry and drywall. I was good at carpentry, electrical, and plumbing, But I had a bad back, and told her it would be slow going. We were capable of fixing the house up.
We made an offer of 10k. I had this money in a 401k, and figured I would take it out and pay cash.
New house: my money, her name
Here is the part that was alarming, and would have made anyone else run away fast. Prehistory: When Jennifer left her first husband she went to a battered woman’s shelter. He mother, who herself was a sociopath, held the mortgage on the house. She told Jennifer that if she didn’t get back with “Justin” she was going to foreclose on the house, which she did.
We got to the closing on our house, and when I was putting pen to paper to sign the papers, Jennifer snatched the papers out from under my pen and stated “I am not moving unless my name is the only name on this deed.” I was stunned, and so was the lawyer. Being on the Effexor I could not even form a response to this. All I could think of was, if I got up and walked out, they would sue me for breach of contract, and take my 10k, the only money I had at the time, other than unemployment.
I relented, and she signed the papers. We then got the key, and started to clean the house out. We were so excited to get the water going, and the electricity on, so we could start spending the night there. In my mind I was buying this house not only to live with Jennifer and the kids, but it was back in the kids’ old school district and near their dad and grandparents, who I thought they needed to be near.
Divorced
At that time, when we first moved in, the divorce between Lee and I became final. It was in August. Lee and I still celebrated our anniversary in October, and I was on the phone with her every day. We both said, that in our hearts we would always be husband and wife.
Married again
With both of our divorces being final, we ended up getting married in December 2006.
No wedding, just the magistrate, and no family in attendance but her kids.
It was after we were married that things between us started to change. The sex was still great, and she was still loving, but she started to get sarcastic with me, and cut me down from time to time. Now, after we got married is when she told me that she also suffered from borderline personality disorder. I had no idea what this was, and looked on the web to see what it was. I was astonished. It still didn’t really bother me, you know, the Effexor. Also, I never saw any signs of it, and figured it was her meds that took care of it. I have horrible back problems, and am on pain meds. I figured that her meds “fixed” things, like my pain meds and Effexor did. Boy was I wrong!
The next year, 2007, my daughter had my first grandbaby. I was able to get Lee to the hospital for this, and we have pictures of her holding her grandbaby.
First wife dies, daughter move in
Three weeks later Lee died. My children were devastated, and so was I. Her death brought everything that I had done to the surface. The guilt was unbearable, but I had to hold it together for MY kids. Before Lee died, but when we knew she was close, Jennifer visited her, and supposedly told her not to worry about me and the kids, that she would take care of us.
My daughter, her baby, and her fiancé moved in with Jennifer and me. The fiancé was to get a job, and they were to stay until they got on their feet. My daughter had postpartum depression, and of course depression because of the death of her mother. They moved in at the beginning of May 2007. By June the fiancé moved with his parents to Florida. My daughter was on the phone with him every day. He had his own bag of crap, and was playing her heart. Braking up with her every other day.
One day, in August, I was out. Jennifer went out to the store, and left the kids home with my daughter. She fell asleep, as she was exhausted. From my experience depression makes you sleep, a lot!
Daughter out; Son in
Jennifer got home to find her eleven year old daughter playing with a candle and a lighter on the sidewalk. I arrived about ten minutes later. Jennifer was furious, and was in the middle of kicking my daughter out of the house. She told her to make arrangements and that she had a week. I tried to intervene, but to no avail. She played the “this is my house” card, and you can leave too. This was a theme that would be played out many times during our marriage.
Well my daughter moved out, and a few weeks later my son moved in. It was Jennifer’s idea. My son was also suffering from depression. He had no clue he was, but Jennifer and I could see it. Jennifer talked him into going for counseling, and made him an appointment. She was taking him to his appointment, but supposedly went to the wrong office, in another little town near us. My son had no clue that was what happened until she realized it. Again, she was furious, and blamed my son, as he “should have known where his appointment was.”
Son out
Again, an adult child of mine was given notice to move. And again, the “my house” card was played. I felt like a neutered dog. I could do nothing. Jennifer knew that I was livid, Effexor be damned.
It was at this time that she started to lavish me with the attention that she used to first snag me. Life went on, we had ups and downs. She was still manipulative, and I was oblivious.
In 2010 I started to go to counseling. I wanted off of this Effexor, so that I wouldn’t feel so numb all of the time.
So the shrinks P.A. Took 75mg away, and replaced it with Citalopram, the generic for Celexa. I started to feel normal again, and eventually got off the Effexor completely. Jennifer was beside herself, because once off the Effexor I grew a pair. I was the man of the house, and she wasn’t having it.
Step-daughter stealing and selling meds
To make matters worse, her oldest daughter, 16 years old, started to steal my pain meds. I noticed them disappearing. I told Jennifer, and she didn’t want to hear it. She said I was either forgetful, or giving them away to someone. So, I bought a combination safe. I am not really good at remembering combinations, so I kept it in my wallet. I think that one day while I was in the shower, my step-daughter got into my wallet, and copied it down. Keep in mind, this child has been stealing from family members for years. She would deny it, even when caught red handed. The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.
She ended up stealing 15 days worth of Oxycontin, and half a bottle of Percocet out of my safe. I had to take half the dose of everything, and was going thru serious withdrawal. Jennifer still stuck by her daughter, even when we found an Oxycontin in the top of a decorative candle in her daughter’s room. Sue accused me of setting her daughter up.
One day she said to me “I don’t want to hear another word about your meds again… One more word and you are out of here”.
Step-daughter drama
Her daughter heard her say this, as Jennifer was yelling at the top of her lungs. I went up to our bedroom a little while later, and my safe was open. Nothing was taken, but this was her daughter’s way of trying to get me out of the house I guess. Her daughter and I started to argue. Jennifer got so upset that she went into our room and cut herself with a razor blade. You know the inside of the forearms. Her daughter flipped out! It was nothing serious, just enough to draw blood. Another manipulation.
A few days later, she got busted at school with a few of my Percocet. I was so relieved. We had to take her to court, and she got probation and restriction to her home. While talking with the probation officer, she was still trying to tell her little story, something like this, “Philip left his meds out on the kitchen table! There were a couple left on the end table!” and on and on. When she was done, the officer said, “Well that was a nice little story, but I don’t believe a word of it. First off, no matter where these pills were, they were not yours to take. Secondly, every student that has been caught with these pills has pointed the finger at you as being the person they got them from.”
Jennifer started to bawl, hysterically. Now I am not sure if she was crying because her image as a mother was being tarnished, or, she was crying because she thought that it was appropriate for the situation.
We ended up having to go thru all kinds of family counseling, and my step-daughter ended up cutting herself and going into a psych hospital.
All this time, my wife NEVER apologized for all the crap she did while she was trying to blame me for this.
We ended up splitting up for a few days. I came up to my family’s house and she stayed home. Within a day she was begging me to come home.
We are both Christians; well at least I know I am. I quoted a bible verse that said “Be still, and know I am God”.
Basically I was saying, relax, don’t do anything, things will work out.
She couldn’t relax, and ended up putting a deposit on a rental house in a town close by. She told me that I ought to have my house, since it was bought with my retirement money.
I have no clue what was going thru her mind, but I knew that this was a crock. I ended up coming home, big mistake; I should have let her move. We worked things out, and said, it won’t be long, and our daughter would move out when she was 18. She had that number in her head as to when the children had to leave.
While her daughter was in the hospital, things were so nice and quiet.
Step-daughter kicked out
When she got done with all of that, she only had one more year of school. After she graduated she turned 18. The money that Jennifer got from social security for her stopped. I could tell that she was antsy about not having that money. A month or two later she kicked her daughter out of the house, under the excuse that she had been dating a boy behind her mother’s back. Dang, the girl was 18, right?
Again, life was quiet, for a while. Jennifer started to gaslight me.
More health issues
I was already having some small memory troubles, and she took advantage of that, and played it up. I was also having issues with vision etc. I got an MRI, and they found a small cyst behind my left eye. It was causing ocular seizures, where everything would get really bright, colors more enhanced, and a split second of “where am I and where am I going”. Medication helped a lot with that, but she was still gas-lighting me.
She was also on a big devaluing campaign with me. The things she would say blew my mind. Everything she did that was unacceptable she blamed on herself being mentally ill. By this time I was seeing a shrink at the VA.
Ok, this has been a very long story, and I will get to the present day.
October 2012 I got my social security disability, as I can no longer work due to my injuries, and the things going on with the cyst. I hate not working, it really sucks. So, we needed a roof on the house, and I got one put on with the back pay you get.
Things getting worse in the house
At that time she started another campaign. This one was to turn the remaining two kids against me. She started by arguing with me whenever they were around. It didn’t get too serious, as Christmas was coming up, and I was always very generous at that time of year.
Her son and I were very close, and did lots of things together and enjoyed each other’s company.
After the holidays it started up again in full force; however she stopped once she found out that the kids were to go to NYC with the band and show choir. Once I had paid that, it started up again with a vengeance. I have no clue what she was saying to them when I wasn’t around, but you could feel the chill in the air.
The end of May 2013 I had a collision with a deer. Where we live, in the country, it is a very common occurrence.
My Saturn Vue was totaled. I was already suffering a depression again, due to the treatment by Jennifer, and the cold shoulder from the kids, who I still love very much.
The Vue was under both our names, and when we got the insurance check, she seemed to want the money. I got 1200 dollars more than what I paid for the Vue, and she wanted the difference for some reason. I am a car guy, and I love shopping for a car. I figured that it would be two weeks at the most that I would have a car.
She made this process so miserable that it took me to the beginning of August to get a car. It was one I didn’t even want, but my wife saw it, seemed to like it, so I bought it to shut her up. It didn’t work.
She was still arguing in full force in from if the kids. One day in August she just piped up and said “I want you out of this house! If I have to move someone else in to get you out I will!”
We had been thru the “get out” thing before, and I refused, as usual. However, this crap of hers was affecting the kids, so I told her I would go to my daughter’s overnight, so as to bring her some stuff for her kids. During all of this time she was packing stuff up that belonged to me, screaming that I didn’t do anything around the house. By this time I was not just depressed, but physically ill. I could only eat poached eggs and yogurt. I had to get a scope down my stomach in Erie at the VA, and she wouldn’t go with me. I had an appointment with my shrink that she wanted to go to with me. I had no problem with that.
She didn’t go, because she conveniently scheduled a doctor’s appointment for her son at the same time.
Divorce papers filed
She then filed divorce papers, and told me that it was because I was sick, and wouldn’t get help! I was dumbfounded and pissed!
To this day, thru all the legal stuff we are going through, it is still her reason for the divorce. She seems to think that I should just leave, and get nothing out of the house except what is directly mine.
I know that I will be MUCH better off without her, but I do understand that she is my addiction. It is very easy to be on guard against her when I am away from her. We had mediation this week, and I just broke down crying, because I still love the woman that she pretended to be. The mediator was just supposed to mediate. No legal advice or anything. When she got done with him, he was giving her advice right in front of me. He didn’t want to hear anything about my offer to her about the house, and basically told me that if I didn’t take the offer that she and he had worked up, I would have to pay Spousal support.
I am so mad that I am beside myself. I am having trouble showing her for who she really is. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that the Law Master who is presiding over this divorce has already seen her as a liar.
The deal is that she gives me 10k for the house, which is what I had offered her back in August. The catch is, she will give me $1,000 upfront, and that she will make a good faith effort every year to get a mortgage, and in the mean time I get $1,000 a year! I was not in my right mind at the time, as I was just bawling like a baby at the finality of it all. I know that I did nothing to deserve this. She even told the mediator that I was a WONDERFUL attentive husband! Go figure. You can’t fix crazy. I am filing against the agreement, and filing against the mediator with the Pa bar association.
I have done some bad things against my first wife thru all of this. I am ashamed of what went down with Pam, and sometimes feel this is my comeuppance.
Fighting against a sociopath
How do you fight against a sociopath during a divorce? She has been able to play the sympathy card, even though she has admitted to why she is divorcing me, and that I was a wonderful husband.
If any of you have any advice, I sure could use it. Please don’t judge me. It has been a long hard road. Oh, and I have been there for my kids, helping them whenever I could. We are closer than ever.
Hi Philip. I am sure that divorce is not easy. This “Jennifer” person did you a hudge favor by filing! Manipulation was her strong suite! I love how you are standing your ground with the attorney and the yearly payments!!! No such thing as “good faith” payments when dealing with a heartless wench! You are handling this situatiin correctly! You sought help to get off of the meds. You are in therapy. Your head is clear and Jennifer is so transparent! You can see right through her now and I am certain that she hates that. She sounds callous and heartless (unlike you, Phillip…)…Stay on your path of clarity, for this wench will make attempts to cloud your vision! Get your 10grand back, change the name on the deed, change the locks on YOUR HOUSE, purchase a firearm, change the interior decor of YOUR HOUSE, and last but not least THANK THE LORD THAT YOU ARE RID OF THIS “JENNIFER” PERSON………….The mother of my/our child has issues! She is loving and nurturing to our daughter but she is also a compulsive liar/and a class A manipulator! She even got pregnant on “the sly” and lied about being pregnant. I found out when she was 7 months along. I know, how could I not have noticed, right? Well I did notice and kept asking her from 3 mo on….This woman has told me countless lies. I have long pulled away from her intimately, sexually…etc. I cannot and will not attempt to over shadow your personal trauma Phil. I just want you to know that you are not alone! You have taken your situation in to hand and delt with it. Me personally, I stay with her because I cannot stand the thought of someone else raising MY daughter! Selfish I know….I hope to be rid of this situation (being my daughter’s mom) one day. …..I envy you Phil….My heart is invested in my daughter, for I have been there since day one…..
I have always wondered if you can prove to the court that she is who she is, can you get her put out of your daughters life? When my wife first left her ex, he and his parents tried to take the kids away from her. Keep in mind, only the youngest child was his. The other two were from two other men. He loves them all like they are all his own. I can respect that. SHE manipulated everything and she kept the kids. The courts need to start looking at the trend of damaged children in these cases. Personally, I think that my wife should have lost her kids at that point in time. I also think that the only reason she has been able to keep them is because I was there.
As far as the house goes? Yesterday she spent teh afternoon trading emails with me, trying to make me think that she would let me buy her out, for the same 10k. THEN she says, “can you scan the appraisal and email a copy to me? I want to show it to the contractor so he can understand his estimate.” I was like, Huh????
I told her, sure hun, as soon as we come to an agreement. She hit the fan, called me all kinds of names ect. So, I told her, “I’m sorry hun, I didn’t mean to upset you. Give me the name and number of the contractor, and I will make arrangements with them to get a copy to them.” Again, she hit the fan. She sent me an email making threats, and accusations. I kept telling her, “Hun, take the money, be done with it, you will be happier in the end.” So, today she sends me an email telling me that she is hiring a realtor, and is going to sell the house and i will get my 10k. Well, I told her that I appealed the decision. I asked for a modification to the agreement. One, we still have to come to an agreement with the contents of the house. Two, if she can’t come up with the 10k to pay me in full, then I get my crack at buying her out at the same 10k. If neither of us can buy the other out, then we sell the house and split the proceeds. She has proven herself to be a liar, manipulator, and greedy in the eyes of the law master. So, when I appealed, I reminded the judge that I am disabled, and a veteran. I need to have money to start over with, so 1k a year isn’t going to do squat for me. So I let her know about that. It hit the fan again. Then, I told her that I sent the divorce agreement and the order of law to her bank. I sent a letter along with them telling the president of the bank that I need to be notified if she applies for ANY loan, and that if she doesn’t use that money to pay me, then she will be in contempt. I also told them that since I have notified them of the situation, that if they allow this, that I may have recourse against them. Now, I probably don’t, but this bank will take the high road when ever they smell something in the air. I told her all this, and she stopped emailing me. I am looking forward to getting her next one. I can see the smoke coming out of her ears while she is trying to figure out how to react to this. I am not trying to be mean, but I think the only way to protect myself is to play her game better than she is at this point. The angrier she gets, the more mistakes she makes. I know this is long, but I am feeling like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Phillip,
I’m not divorced,so cannot give you advice there.As I was reading your story,I thought,”Oh boy,do I ever understand ‘caregiver’s burnout’!”
My husband(who I often refer to as spath)does indeed have health issues;but they would only improve with weight loss and by following Dr’s orders….no reason to be bedridden or wear me down!It was the PITY PLAY.My mental,emotional and physical health suffered greatly.Even so,I was most concerned that this man who knew his responsibilities,not only as a husband,lover and spiritual leader,did not care enough to carry thru.We’ve been separated for a year,and the rest is helping me to recuperate!I’d forgotten what it is like to be happy and to laugh!
When I read that Jennifer only wanted her name on the deed for the house,that was a HUGE RED FLAG!Though sociopaths have different ways of manipulation and causing chaos,they’re experts at it,and will do it as long as they feel they can get away with it…that is their thrill.One of spath’s expressions was “it makes my blood boil!”
Phillip…
I bought a house after I got divorced. The sociopath lived with me a good portion of the time and invested money into remodeling my home. I paid the entire mortgage and expenses. Because of his investment, he either wanted me to put his name on the mortgage, or sell the home to him. I realized how much he invested and often thought I should sell my home to him, thinking all along we’d still be together.
So, I signed an offer to purchase through his real estate attorney. Then, things started to change. He was gone on long weekends, I caught him in more lies….so, with the guidance of family and friends, I backed out of the deal. When he found out, his response to me in a phone call was, “I see you mean to do me harm”. I told him that was not the case at all, but I needed to protect myself as something was going on. So, he stopped by to see me and said he would never treat me poorly ever again…that he was very sorry. We talked, and I was under the impression that we were going to try to work things out. I totally got sucked into believing what he was saying. Turns out that it was all joke. I resigned the offer, sold him my “home” and on the day of close, he said to me….”I was nice to you right up until close because…(as he looked me straight in the eye, he said)…I play this game better that you.”
Turns out he was seeing someone months before. He knew if he told me he was involved with someone else, I’d never have sold him my home. I was played masterfully.
I was devastated at the end, but have since recovered and moved on. At this point in time, he means absolutely nothing to me. I’ve found the inner peace I so longed for. As far as I know, he is still with his other “victim” and has moved out of the country to be with her.
Stay strong. Find your inner peace. Things will get better in time.
carolann
I don’t really see where your second wife is a sociopath…you state that she lived in a women’s shelter after she left her first husband because he was abusive…my guess is she has PTSD from the abuse that she endured from that relationship not the other disorders. PTSD can be easily triggered with a new stressful situation such as a new relationship with a man that is doing things like her abuser and PTSD most often over looked as the real issue of a women coming out of a abusive relationship.
I am wondering how you were able to pay your new house mortgage to your house with your second wife since you were unemployed at that time when you signed your mortgage papers…I am guessing that your new wife is the one that paid the mortgage and you put down 10k on the home and I can see why she wanted her name on the deed. I am also wondering why you did not use this money to help your your first wife pay for a home care nurse when you were still married to her.
It seems reading your statement that you brought a lot of chaos and drama to both of your marriages. Women do not file for divorce from a husband unless they are at their wits end after years of trying to make the marriage work with their husbands and have finally come to the conclusion that he will never change his negative ways….especially a women who is dying of cancer that is the last thing she wants to focus on when she needed to focus on trying to survive the cancer. Sociopaths do not usually file for divorce because they want to continue to milk that spouse for everything they can get out of them.
Some of the drama you brought into the relationship includes getting a divorce and still celebrating your anniversary with your ex wife while all along you had a girlfriend (or new wife) how do you think your new girlfriend felt about this? Im guessing not good, you taking pain killers for a pro long time, pain killers are the fastest growing drug addiction that clinics see now a days and they are extremely addicting for men, your step daughter then was taking the pills that you brought into the home plus it is clear your kids have not had stability in their life for a long time and clearly everything you have done had affected them dramatically.
I would highly recommend that you be honest about your actions and get into long term counseling with your kids plus look into adrenal fatigue for your health issues. Your kids need a stand up father, it’s time for you to be that man.
As for your 10K…let it go…it’s only 10K it is not worth dragging a divorce on for that amount or fighting for it.
Hi Jan7,
First off, there was no mortgage, because 10k is what I paid for the house. Period. It was a 100 year old house, out in the country, that the estate couldn’t get rid of. It was a real “fixer upper”. Also, I was not unemployed through our whole marriage, as you seem to think. I was unemployed for the first few months, which was not a big deal. I had good resources and felt I had no need to discuss them in this letter. My first wife and I didn’t “celebrate” our anniversary out in “Public”. We marked it in our hearts. Celebrated by phone calls, cards, flowers ect. Nothing for anyone else to notice.
My second wife ended up in the battered woman’s shelter because it was the all part of the act she was putting on at her first husbands expense. She is VERY good at playing the game, and making false statements sound true. When we first got together she had all kinds of horror stories to tell me about her first husband. I found over time that most of it was a lie. The big one was that she had told me she ran from the home with the children because he was violent, and had punched a hole in the wall. HE was as about as violent as a six week old puppy. Never punched a hole in the wall. That was actually him slamming a cupboard door shut in frustration. That is something I can really relate to. My wife had mad skills in getting a person as frustrated as she can. One thing that she did, that really blew my mind when I found out was, when she had left him, and went to the shelter, she took some time to drive herself, and the kids to a city that was 5 hours away, in order to meet a man she had met on the internet. She had explained this to me as an old friend that her and the kids went to see just for a break from the shelter. One day, when my step son was about 8 years old, we were driving down the road, and out of the blue he says, “Phil, why did my mom sleep with that guy in $&#*$&?” My jaw dropped. I had no idea what to say, let alone to say some thing that would comfort my step son.
His children have all inadvertently told me the truth about all the things that really happened during their mothers marriage to their “father”. I put father in quotations because only the youngest is his child. The other two are by two other men.
Sociopaths do file for divorce when they feel that they have picked the vine dry. Do I own some of this? By all means I do. Had I just signed that insurance check over to her, and got the “shrink” to put me back on effexor, which is what she wanted, I am sure I could have saved my marriage, thru at least another round of holidays. Then the cycle of abuse would have started all over again. In August I stopped enabling. I started to say no to her requests for money to cover her poor choices. Even when we were before the Law Master for our first meeting in the divorce, she complained that when she threw me out, that I didn’t leave her with any money to get school supplies and school clothes for her 14, and 17 year old.
My wife doesn’t have a pot to piss in. Mostly because money burns a hole in her pocket. Plus, the casino is only 30 minutes away. Right now since I have been gone, she has been spending money on things that she cannot afford. The only assumption I can come to is that history is repeating itself, and there are untrue stories about me being told to some poor schmuck that is having wonderful sex with my wife.
Also, you have to understand. This letter has been edited, and some things left out. On top of that, I left a lot of things out as well, feeling that the general message had been given. This letter I sent to Lovefraud was eight pages long. One thing that I noticed that they edited out of my letter is the fact that I stated that I am a Christian. Now the flood gates are open, and we can start getting the anti Christian letters that will tell me what a “Bad Christian” I am for being so human. Sorry, but it is expected. As time went on, my relationship with Jesus got stronger. I tried to lean on Him, and spent much time in prayer. I had spoken with both of my pastors, looking for support thru all of this. After all the crap that happened between my first wife and I, I was determined to make this marriage work. I did everything a “good” Christian husband should do. I followed the word of God for direction within our marriage. My wife professes to be Christian as well. However, she only uses the verses in the bible that further her current agenda. You can imagine how frustrating it is to try to follow Gods word, only to have your wife telling you how wrong your interpretation of His word is.
I can understand to some degree how you may not think that my wife is a sociopath, but living with her all these years, and being away long enough for my head to have cleared, I am telling you, she is the genuine deal.
I do find it interesting that you seem to give a psychological opinion of my children, and the situation, as well as an opinion on my pain meds, from just one quick, edited letter to love fraud. Are you sure that you aren’t a medical professional?
First I want to say that I’m truly sorry for all the suffering you have been through, especially with your wife, and I’m sorry for your loss. I can understand the guilt you feel, especially since you and your wife separated mainly for financial reasons. I have never done the type of care taking that you have, but I do feel compassion for your burnout and how you would crave physical and emotional nurturing from another person – it is not my place to judge you for that. I hope you can forgive yourself some day. We are all just human. There was a famous film many years ago about a man who was deeply in love with his wife who was dying of cancer. I can’t remember the name of the film (I think it was called Love Story?) but the song “Sunshine” is featured in it. Toward the end of his wife’s life, he had an affair with their best friend. The wife found out and forgave him because she knew he needed love. It sounds like your wife forgave you too. No one can understand what it’s like to be in your situation until they have walked in your shoes.
I am not convinced reading your story how Jennifer is exactly a sociopath though it does sound like she has some serious issues that might be equally as toxic. Sounded like both of you started a relationship from rather codependent place, and this is a set-up for failure with or without a sociopath swooping in for the kill. Relationships are such hard work even for two people who are healthy and self-aware.
Your physical symptoms sound like a manifestation of prolonged stress, which hopefully means there is hope for recovery. I truly hope you can start taking care of yourself so you can recover some of your physical and emotional health. Western medicine and pharmaceuticals “can” definitely be helpful at times, but they are not the be-all and end-all. In the end, it up to you to use judgment and discernment with your treatments and your doctors.
I’m very saddened and angry that there was no affordable health care system set in place to help you and your late wife. In a way, you are a casualty of a faulty system. In spite of this, in order to recover, you will need to take full responsibility for your own life and the decisions you made in spite of everything.
My very best wishes to you.
Technically she isn’t. But she does have borderline personality disorder, and that can be every bit as bad. Bipolar disorder, which she also has, is frequently behind pathologically abusive behavior as well. But borderlines can be hell to live with, and are often physically violent. They’re especially well known for being manipulative, which is exactly what Philip was saying about “Jennifer.” Some counselors don’t even like treating borderlines because they are so manipulative.
I didn’t know borderlines would engage in gaslighting as psychopaths do, but apparently it was another of Jennifer’s little tricks. So we learn something new every day.
That’s not what Philip said about her first husband. He said the opposite: that he eventually got to know “Jennifer’s” first husband, and found he was a good man. He found this guy had been “played” by Jennifer in the same way that he himself had been.
Jennifer did SAY “horrible” things about her first husband, but that doesn’t mean they were true, since she was using this as a sob story to gain sympathy.
Of course, I expect there was conflict between Jennifer and her first husband, because she would have been constantly provoking conflict the same way she did with Philip. Borderlines do that, as other abusers do. What’s more, I’m sure that in her own twisted mind Jennifer would have been blaming her first husband for the conflicts she caused, just as she blamed Philip. Borderlines do that too. Blameshifting is a standard part of any abuser’s repertoire.
If she also confusingly said the opposite at times—that Philip was a “wonderful husband”—that too is typical behavior for borderlines in particular: the bewildering alternation between “praising” and “demonizing” a partner.
Philip did say later that she went to a shelter when she left her first husband. Of course, she could have told them anything about her husband at the shelter, and it didn’t have to be true. They wouldn’t have checked her story. They take too much for granted in those places.
But there’s no credible evidence that she “endured” anything at all. It’s a case for Occam’s Razor: the other disorders, which she actually admitted to, are the simple and obvious explanation for her behavior.
I hope you were joking when you wrote that! Women file for divorce for all kinds of reasons, including (but not limited to):
– Because they got hot pants for some other man;
– Because they got married too young and hadn’t had any fun yet;
– Because their pigheaded husbands frittered their money away on rent and food instead of buying their wives a $10,000 fur coat;
– Because they were just plain incompatible with their husbands;
– Because they let their controlling, interfering mother wreck their marriage (I know people like this personally—and what’s more, we’ve heard that Jennifer’s mother is a “sociopath”!);
– Because their career took off and suddenly their husbands were “not good enough” for them;
– Because they found marriage “boring”;
– Because they found the responsibilities of marriage “too onerous”;
– Because they withheld sex once too often and their husbands went looking for it elsewhere;
– Because they withheld affection and emotional support and their husbands found those elsewhere;
– Because they saw an opportunity to marry a richer man (this is called “Trading Up” and someone actually wrote a book on it years ago);
– Because they had a sudden urge to go off and “find themselves” (like Mrs. Michael Cooper, aka “Elizabeth Gilbert”);
– Because their husbands wanted children and they didn’t;
– Because they wanted children and their husbands didn’t;
– Because they’re promiscuous and found monogamy “too confining”;
– Because their husbands couldn’t afford their wives’ vodka and coke habit;
– Because their endless nagging, whining and carping drove their husbands permanently out of the home;
– Because they “had better things to do than being a mother to little Johnny” (as seen in “Kramer vs. Kramer”);
– Because they can get lots of money by ripping off their husbands in a divorce “settlement”;
– And now and again, because they got hot pants for some other woman!
That’s just off the top of my head, without even mentioning the many cases where the wife has a personality disorder, like this “Jennifer.” I’m sure people could add plenty of other reasons to the list! 😀
Redwald,
Thanks for the back up on this. The depth of deception that my wife practices is something that I wish that NO ONE would ever have to deal with.
The alternate Good husband bad husband stories that come out of my wife’s mouth is very confusing to me.
One thing that was left out of my letter is the fact that she hacked into a mutual friends facebook account and was monitoring our conversation. My friend was letting me vent. She was not talking to him anymore because she was mad at him for telling her that she was making a big mistake, and that I was the “real deal”. We had our conversations in the late evening, as I was only getting about 2 hours of broker sleep a night. This was the third week, and I was off my rocker with hurt, pain, and broken hearted. I had called the V.A. Crisis hot line at least three times a week at that point. It got to the point that they put me on a watch list, and called me everyday to check on me.
So, we talked at night, and she read our conversations during the day while our friend worked.
Apparently she must have been enjoying the pain I was exhibiting through these conversations.
One night I was really angry due to the betrayal and everything else. I went of, and called her every name in the book. Some names I had never even heard, but came flowing onto the keyboard effortlessly. These words were for no one, just me as a way to release pain. It was so bad that night that I had to call the crisis line again afterwards.
The next day or so I got an angry email from her, with parts of THAT conversation pasted into it. Can you believe that she actually did that? And acted like she had done nothing wrong, and that she was entitled to that conversation.
My wife has this really strange attitude that she is above the law. She also has a very large entitlement mentality when it comes to the end of our marriage. She thinks I should just go away, and leave everything I worked for there at the house for her. She uses the kids as a reason for this, but the kids actually have a home at their grandmothers/fathers house. She made them do that as part of the custody agreement that she fashioned for her ex.
Thanks for backing me up, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to add these details that had been edited out.
Phillip,
Your wife was cyberstalking you and harassing you.That’s serious!Someday she’ll find out she’s not any more above the law than you or I.But it won’t be a pleasant sight.
Philip, you have survived an ugly and grueling chapter. We all make choices and the consequences of those choices are inescapable. Whether we were deceived, duped, and defrauded like many of us here (Men and Women by the way), or we made poor choices oftentimes under duress, extreme stress, exhaustion, … Here we are. Moving forward, learning from the experience, adjusting false belief systems, taking accountability for things we personally have done; which your comments indicate you are attempting to do. This is our task. This can be much more exhausting than it would be under normal circumstances when you have been the primary target of 1 or more accountability evaders and multiple proxies who are vested in dumping all the accountability on you,” the victim ” if you will, while applying as many coats of accountability Teflon to their precious Entitled One, or in my case Ones. This can make us bitter, but we need to fight through it, to own and put our professed values into action. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Redwald, thanks for the clarifications. I was thinking the same things, although you probably articulated it better than I could have. While this Jennifer may not fit into the neat box of sociopathy, many do not. Because these people are so masterful at manipulation and deception it’s hard to get a read on the true character. There are some really good articles in the archives on the narcissiopath, the almost sociopath, the borderline as a temporary sociopath, ect. that help explain some of the gaps. Deception, refusal to take accountability, entitlement, exploitation, gaslighting, …I could keep going. Normal people don’t act like this. These are cluster b, toxic to deal with. Keep the cluster b far from me !
Thank you for articulating that. This is why I had/have ended up so confused, as there were times when everything just seemed so normal. I had a wonderful life, a loving wife, and loving step children.
But with the kids, it was like she owned the switch that turned them from loving to stand offish.
I pray for my wife, and my step children daily. I am very worried for the kids. All of whom have mental health issues of their own.
I have told her that her decision had far reaching effects other than me and her.
My grandchildren, whom my daughter has said that she will never let her anywhere near without me. The 2 youngest don’t have a relationship with her, but the oldest, 7 years old, is the one I worry about, because she used to love to come to Poppa and Mimi’s house to spend the weekend.
She doesn’t know yet, and I just don’t know how she is going to take it, or what I should tell her. “Mimi got sick hunny, and she asked Poppa to leave”. I mean, what do you say to the light of your life?
Phillip,
Our grandchildren truly are the lights of our life!They give us the love we need;the hugs & kisses and knowledge that we’re needed and appreciated! 🙂
Explanations vary as their ages allow them to comprehend.
Your explanation is enough to satisfy her as the two of you continue to have a good relationship.As she gets older and takes in more information,she will apply it to her memories and life experiences.Take care of yourself and Best Wishes!
Yes normal people do not act like this. But what is “normal”? Sometimes when I look back through my crazy making experience for the past 20 years, I thought it was all normal and I adapted to it. Now I realize how wrong everything was. How I was manipulated to almost me thinking that I was insane. When someone tells you over and over that you are crazy after a while you believe it. I am so thankful that this other woman appeared out of nowhere and took my husband away. I honestly think I would have ended up dead or locked up in a mental institution. I know those 2 options were my husbands ultimate goal. It was very easy for him because he is a deputy. Who are the authorities going to believe? They sure will take the police officers side. I am glad I filed for divorce. He can abuse her now. She is younger and stronger than me. She can handle it. I don’t feel sorry for her. She initiated the affair and knew he was married with a family . I do not blame her at all. Instead I thank god every day for putting the two together. In their misery they can find whatever they are looking for. I know it’s not love because he is incapable of that.
Phillip….
I posted a comment above about being manipulated into selling my home to my former spath. Like you, that is only a small portion of my story. These people know how to lie, cheat and manipulate to a point where our heads are left spinning. One minute things are fine, the next….we have no idea what just hit us.
I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. As you continue to post, to read, to learn and even to cry….you will become stronger. It takes time….and different amounts for each of us.
Keep posting and learning. Stay strong my friend. You are not alone in this…
carolann
Years back, I told my father of the mess I was in and how it had come about with the “This happened and then this” etc… It was a god awful and goofed up mess. After he had listened to the whole yarn, he said crisply “It’s not going to play to well in Peoria”. Later, in the divorce/custody business the judge was overheard to say “They’re both crazy”…
My father and that judge were correct. And when that did sink into me, I took one thing that I knew, if I accomplished, would give me back some self respect. It wasn’t a great/grand thing that I took on, more a mindset kind of thing that I would not let be derailed no matter the temptation.
What jumps out at me in your story is the chaos in each circle and you a common denominator in each. If my observation is something you recognize, it would be a most suitable vow to not feed or enter chaos. In order to live up to the vow, you’d have to examine every action you are about to take in light of it’s effect on chaos…Realistically (As in be real)examine every action before you take the action.
Chaos had a life of it’s own until it sputters out on starvation. You might question yourself about the actual financial value in pursuing your $10K capital investment when it will cost you near that in legal expenses to recover it and the only way would be the sale of the house. (I’m assuming 2nd wife has been too busy doing her own chaos to be credit worthy or have a viable income.) Instead, you might simply negotiate with her to establish a lien on the property that you can recover when it is sold… anticipating that she won’t be able to afford living there for too long. You might, too, restrain from contact with her if you’re vow is to stay clear of chaos and not perpetuate it.
Chaos leaves carnage in it’s wake. That is what you have before you… The only thing valuable in that rubble really are your son and daughter:That’s where you fight the good fight because that’s worth every effort. It sounded like their situations weren’t stable either to have them returning to live with you, who had moved on to another woman in the midst of their mother dying.
That they both were of little help in the demands upon you because of your wife’s disease and decline, suggests there is even more for you to explore and discover as you make your way to having pride.
I know this website has consoling elements however, it will be of little consolation to you because you’ve taken the huge and critical step of owning how you mishandled your beloved wife’s terminal illness. You can only overcome the guilt you feel about that by what you do to become the person that you would respect. I daresay you will need professional support and guidance if only for your protection because you would not be a sympathetic character with lay persons. That’s not a condemnation; it’s a caution for you.
Another thing that jumps out at me is how seemingly grandiose (or overestimating capabilities) you and your second wife appeared to be by all you two took on in the midst of strains every which way. And those endeavors became blow up kind of messes which could have been anticipated. It would be a worthwhile exploration to find out why you did take on another family when your own was dissembling, why you bought a house when your financials were crumbling and why you took in people when your own circumstance was fragile… Sometimes, we’re drawn to making mayhem to avoid something too painful or frightening to face. Could this have been the case for you? Had there been in your life similiar examples?.
It’s only in the acceptance of our own responsibility in our own tragedy, and not allowing ourselves to be blinded by the swirling chaos of our victimization and desire for “justice” that the clarity to recover emerges. Sometime Justice removes her blindfold to help us honestly assess and accept and move toward picking our battles.
Hi Phillip, I apology for not being sensitive enough to you situation. I learned the hard way by ending up in abusive marriage to a sociopath that you must listen to a story without getting emotionally involve…the reason for this is that my ex h was a master at pity play although at first I did not buy into it over time he conditioned me to accept it…so now I step back and see the facts first about the situation. I can see that details would be left out from the long version of your story, something that I did not realize at the time. So again I apologize to you.
As for the fact that about your ex wife’s husband being a good guy…I can tell you that my ex is loved by most people and no one would believe that he terrorized me for over 12 years nor that he conned business associates out of money etc…if you met him you would immediately like him and believe everything he has to say until the day you figure out that you too have been conned by him, even his own father knows he is a pathological liar and has cut him out of his life for good.
You have been though so much and the stress clearly has taken a toll on you like the rest of us…I would highly recommend that you check into adrenal fatigue…sites like Drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org and drlam.com plus google. Your breakdown originally from the stress of having your wife sick with cancer most likely was caused by adrenal fatigue.
Our adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol levels, adrenaline, cortisol and over 50 hormones including all the male/female hormones. Under continual stress such that you were under the adrenal glands ends up burnt out and can not function correctly causing our body and mind to not function correctly, with prolong cases of adrenal fatigue it will cause a stress breakdown. According to Dr Wilson’s 80% of adults with end up with adrenal fatigue during their life time. See the symptoms list on each site above.
I would also suggest you google “Dr Amen PBS you tube” he is a therapist/brain specialist see his book on anxiety/depression plus other books, his site is amenclinic.com. google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” his book is Eat to Live see his site too. See Mia lundin you tube video.
As for your kids and you seeking therapy, if you have dealt with a sociopath you need help to sort out your mind to get back to your old self (most everyone coming out of a relationship with a sociopath has PTSD)…it’s just fact. Donna Anderson’s books are excellent at explaining everything…Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of mind will explain the mind control side of things..his site is freedom of mind..if you go to the upper right hand corner read the bite model.
As for you situation…I would suggest that you put in court papers that your ex get a bank loan for $10,000 and pay you immediately with the funds and then she can pay the bank a monthy payment that way you will be free from her and have no connection and will be able to heal.
I wish you nothing but the best. Again I sincerely apologizes for my lack of sensitivity to your situation.
Jan7,
Thank you so much for the reply back. It was very kind of you. It’s too late, I am already a sufferer of PTSD. My father was an alcoholic schizophrenic, and he directed a lot of his rage towards me. I was the oldest child, and the only boy, so I guess I am glad he didn’t go after my sisters. I am already in therapy. My children have been resilient. They understood what was going on long before I did. They can not stand my wife, but kept quiet out of respect for me, as they thought their father was happy. I thought I was too. Funny now, looking back.
I am filing an exception to the court today. In it I am offering that either she give me the money up front in full, or I give her the same amount and she leave the house to me. If neither of us can get a loan, then we sell it and split the proceeds. I can’t see a fair judge rejecting that. She has done nothing but fight communication about our divorce. The court does not know this, but I am going to make sure they understand it. She filed, threw me out, changed the locks on my house, and the phone number. The only communication is thru email. She said so she has a record. It has backfired on her, because I now have a record of her being difficult thru the whole process, while I have been trying to negotiate.
Fun fun.