Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by the Lovefraud reader “Philip.” Names have been changed.
My very long story starts in December of 2004. My first wife, Lee, was terminally ill, and I was the only one that took care of her. I also had two teens, and they were not any help at all. My mother in-law had moved from out of state in order to give me some help. She was more trouble at the time than help. None of Lee’s family other than her biological mother came to help. As a matter of fact, they all pretty much kept their distance since she got sick. So, I took care of Lee, by myself, for about five years or more. I ended up having a breakdown. I was told that this was “Care giver burn out”. I gave myself excuses in order to defend my coming actions to myself.
I had a cardiac episode about two months before I left. I was in ICU for most of the week, and was told I would be sent to a bigger hospital for a card overt. I was terrified about this. I asked what it was, and the nurse told me that it is when they use the “paddles” to try to get my heart back into rhythm.
My heart ended up converting on its own the morning I was to go for the card overt.
Stress
So, I was scheduled for a stress test. I passed with flying colors. The doctor asked if I had any stress in my life. Stress? Who me? Excuse #1: He told me I had to get away from this stress, or this could happen again, and the possibility of stroke would be great.
Excuse #2: We needed a visiting nurse, and a program that would help my wife. My health insurance did not cover it. I made too much money to get help, and not enough to pay for it myself. I was told that if we were separated, my wife could get this help. She and I talked about this, and although neither of us liked the idea, we were headed in that direction.
One night, after a very bad day at work, I came home, and the first thing out of everyone’s mouth when I walked through the door was “what’s for dinner?” By this time my mother in-law had moved out and gotten her own place. She was never at the house anymore.
Time to move out
The house was a mess; the laundry needed doing, and then this. I snapped. I hit a depression that was unbearable. I was having a breakdown.
The next day I moved out. I knew a girl that had a spare room, so I moved there.
Big mistake. A lot of things went down, that I won’t go into detail about. I went to my doctor, and he prescribed Paxil. I was having trouble with it after taking it for a few months, so his P.A. changed me to Effexor. I still loved my first wife, and still do today. She filed for the divorce. Again, neither one of us wanted it, but felt that was the only way to get her the help she needed. I look back on all of this and my heart breaks. Pam forgave me of all this mess, and my children also forgave me. It took YEARS for me to forgive myself.
New life begins
I tell this story, to lead up to how “Jennifer” got her hands on me.
I met Jennifer on yahoo personals. We hit it off very well. She was beautiful. She liked all the same things I did. She seemed to share the same political views that I did, and much more that we seemed to have in common.
After chatting for about three weeks we ended up meeting for coffee, and hit it right off. This was in December 2005.
It wasn’t long before she was coming to my house and we were having some of the greatest sex I had ever had in my life. We also would go out and do some fun things together. During the course of the “after sex conversation” Jennifer told me that she was bipolar. I didn’t know much about it, except that a friend of mine suffered from it, and she would get depressed. Jennifer was “self aware” and on medication. I didn’t think much of it. I was not getting serious with her, as I had responsibilities at home. Before this, I had moved closer to work, so “home” was now an hour away. With Lee and I being separated, and our intimacy having been long gone years ago, I didn’t have a problem with having sex with Jennifer. I was truthful with my wife. I have a big problem with lying, and HAD to tell Lee the truth. Besides, Jennifer and I weren’t serious, I told myself. I was so blinded by my own feelings and hurts, that I wasn’t seeing how bad the things were that I was doing.
Experimenting with depression medications
In February 2006 I asked my doctor to help get me off of the Effexor. It had eventually had the effect over me similar to Xanax. No high or relaxation, but I couldn’t feel anything emotionally.
I was on the maximum dose of 225 mg. She told me no problem, and took away 75 mg. She never replaced it with anything, and told me it was fine. She was an M.D., and not a psychiatrist.
Within two days I was suicidal. I was scared. Jennifer had told me that she had 10 years working in mental health, so I sought her out. I took her and her children out to eat at Subway. I made sure that the kids sat in the booth behind us, with my back to them, so I could talk with Jennifer. She told me I should go to the hospital, so I did.
Checked into mental health unit; checked out of job
I was checked into the mental health unit. I was there for a week. My boss was pissed. I was a very important part of the “team” and was letting them down by being gone. I was eventually let go for “budgetary concerns” within the department.
I found out while I was in the unit that my M.D. should have NEVER prescribed the anti-depressants, and should have referred me to a shrink.
When I got out, this was when the game started. Jennifer basically “pounced” on me. She made herself everything I ever needed or wanted. I was a mess, and couldn’t believe that this wonderful woman wanted to take care of me, much less bring me “into” hers and her children’s life. Now Jennifer was separated from her first husband. I asked her how long they had been separated, and if there was a chance of getting back together. The things she said about her ex were horrible. I felt so bad for her and the kids. I was being reeled in. (I finally ended up getting to know him. He was a good man, that had been played by this woman.)
She had me, hook line and sinker. At the time her and her kids were living in housing. She didn’t have much money, so I didn’t have a problem “helping out” once in a while. She knew that I would, and always seemed to mention to me the money problems, and the things she and her kids needed from time to time.
I was still going “home” to take care of things for my family. I always told Lee what was going on, and she wanted to meet this Jennifer. I know, kind of weird, but Lee and I had that kind of relationship. I think that she wanted to check this woman out to make sure she was on the up and up. She loved me, and wanted me to be happy. At least this is what I had thought at the time.
First meets second
So, I loaded up the car with Jennifer and the kids, and went home with them. I took the kids outside, and Lee and Jennifer chatted for a couple hours. Jennifer had won Lee over. At least that was what I thought, because this is how they both acted. When Lee had to eventually go into a nursing home, Jennifer would go visit her during the day, while I was at work. She played board games with her, and rubbed her feet for her. She seemed like a godsend for everyone.
I was still having trouble with the Effexor, as I never got off of it. In the unit they decided that I was better off staying on it.
Under a bipolar spell
Jennifer wanted me to move into her apartment with her, and by this time I was all for it. She was an angel sent by God. While living with her I saw her bipolar rear its ugly head. She would have bouts of anger. It didn’t last long, and I was able to help her get past it. I really didn’t have any concerns about it. After a time we decided to buy a house together. Truth be told, since I was on the Effexor, and very agreeable to most anything she said, I think it was really her idea. Since I was unemployed at the time I had lots of time to look for a house. Jennifer and I had a blast looking at houses. Some of them were empty, and we were able to get into them and look around. In August 2006 we found a house that was an old church that had been converted into a house. It needed LOTS of work, but Jennifer assured me that she was very good at carpentry and drywall. I was good at carpentry, electrical, and plumbing, But I had a bad back, and told her it would be slow going. We were capable of fixing the house up.
We made an offer of 10k. I had this money in a 401k, and figured I would take it out and pay cash.
New house: my money, her name
Here is the part that was alarming, and would have made anyone else run away fast. Prehistory: When Jennifer left her first husband she went to a battered woman’s shelter. He mother, who herself was a sociopath, held the mortgage on the house. She told Jennifer that if she didn’t get back with “Justin” she was going to foreclose on the house, which she did.
We got to the closing on our house, and when I was putting pen to paper to sign the papers, Jennifer snatched the papers out from under my pen and stated “I am not moving unless my name is the only name on this deed.” I was stunned, and so was the lawyer. Being on the Effexor I could not even form a response to this. All I could think of was, if I got up and walked out, they would sue me for breach of contract, and take my 10k, the only money I had at the time, other than unemployment.
I relented, and she signed the papers. We then got the key, and started to clean the house out. We were so excited to get the water going, and the electricity on, so we could start spending the night there. In my mind I was buying this house not only to live with Jennifer and the kids, but it was back in the kids’ old school district and near their dad and grandparents, who I thought they needed to be near.
Divorced
At that time, when we first moved in, the divorce between Lee and I became final. It was in August. Lee and I still celebrated our anniversary in October, and I was on the phone with her every day. We both said, that in our hearts we would always be husband and wife.
Married again
With both of our divorces being final, we ended up getting married in December 2006.
No wedding, just the magistrate, and no family in attendance but her kids.
It was after we were married that things between us started to change. The sex was still great, and she was still loving, but she started to get sarcastic with me, and cut me down from time to time. Now, after we got married is when she told me that she also suffered from borderline personality disorder. I had no idea what this was, and looked on the web to see what it was. I was astonished. It still didn’t really bother me, you know, the Effexor. Also, I never saw any signs of it, and figured it was her meds that took care of it. I have horrible back problems, and am on pain meds. I figured that her meds “fixed” things, like my pain meds and Effexor did. Boy was I wrong!
The next year, 2007, my daughter had my first grandbaby. I was able to get Lee to the hospital for this, and we have pictures of her holding her grandbaby.
First wife dies, daughter move in
Three weeks later Lee died. My children were devastated, and so was I. Her death brought everything that I had done to the surface. The guilt was unbearable, but I had to hold it together for MY kids. Before Lee died, but when we knew she was close, Jennifer visited her, and supposedly told her not to worry about me and the kids, that she would take care of us.
My daughter, her baby, and her fiancé moved in with Jennifer and me. The fiancé was to get a job, and they were to stay until they got on their feet. My daughter had postpartum depression, and of course depression because of the death of her mother. They moved in at the beginning of May 2007. By June the fiancé moved with his parents to Florida. My daughter was on the phone with him every day. He had his own bag of crap, and was playing her heart. Braking up with her every other day.
One day, in August, I was out. Jennifer went out to the store, and left the kids home with my daughter. She fell asleep, as she was exhausted. From my experience depression makes you sleep, a lot!
Daughter out; Son in
Jennifer got home to find her eleven year old daughter playing with a candle and a lighter on the sidewalk. I arrived about ten minutes later. Jennifer was furious, and was in the middle of kicking my daughter out of the house. She told her to make arrangements and that she had a week. I tried to intervene, but to no avail. She played the “this is my house” card, and you can leave too. This was a theme that would be played out many times during our marriage.
Well my daughter moved out, and a few weeks later my son moved in. It was Jennifer’s idea. My son was also suffering from depression. He had no clue he was, but Jennifer and I could see it. Jennifer talked him into going for counseling, and made him an appointment. She was taking him to his appointment, but supposedly went to the wrong office, in another little town near us. My son had no clue that was what happened until she realized it. Again, she was furious, and blamed my son, as he “should have known where his appointment was.”
Son out
Again, an adult child of mine was given notice to move. And again, the “my house” card was played. I felt like a neutered dog. I could do nothing. Jennifer knew that I was livid, Effexor be damned.
It was at this time that she started to lavish me with the attention that she used to first snag me. Life went on, we had ups and downs. She was still manipulative, and I was oblivious.
In 2010 I started to go to counseling. I wanted off of this Effexor, so that I wouldn’t feel so numb all of the time.
So the shrinks P.A. Took 75mg away, and replaced it with Citalopram, the generic for Celexa. I started to feel normal again, and eventually got off the Effexor completely. Jennifer was beside herself, because once off the Effexor I grew a pair. I was the man of the house, and she wasn’t having it.
Step-daughter stealing and selling meds
To make matters worse, her oldest daughter, 16 years old, started to steal my pain meds. I noticed them disappearing. I told Jennifer, and she didn’t want to hear it. She said I was either forgetful, or giving them away to someone. So, I bought a combination safe. I am not really good at remembering combinations, so I kept it in my wallet. I think that one day while I was in the shower, my step-daughter got into my wallet, and copied it down. Keep in mind, this child has been stealing from family members for years. She would deny it, even when caught red handed. The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.
She ended up stealing 15 days worth of Oxycontin, and half a bottle of Percocet out of my safe. I had to take half the dose of everything, and was going thru serious withdrawal. Jennifer still stuck by her daughter, even when we found an Oxycontin in the top of a decorative candle in her daughter’s room. Sue accused me of setting her daughter up.
One day she said to me “I don’t want to hear another word about your meds again… One more word and you are out of here”.
Step-daughter drama
Her daughter heard her say this, as Jennifer was yelling at the top of her lungs. I went up to our bedroom a little while later, and my safe was open. Nothing was taken, but this was her daughter’s way of trying to get me out of the house I guess. Her daughter and I started to argue. Jennifer got so upset that she went into our room and cut herself with a razor blade. You know the inside of the forearms. Her daughter flipped out! It was nothing serious, just enough to draw blood. Another manipulation.
A few days later, she got busted at school with a few of my Percocet. I was so relieved. We had to take her to court, and she got probation and restriction to her home. While talking with the probation officer, she was still trying to tell her little story, something like this, “Philip left his meds out on the kitchen table! There were a couple left on the end table!” and on and on. When she was done, the officer said, “Well that was a nice little story, but I don’t believe a word of it. First off, no matter where these pills were, they were not yours to take. Secondly, every student that has been caught with these pills has pointed the finger at you as being the person they got them from.”
Jennifer started to bawl, hysterically. Now I am not sure if she was crying because her image as a mother was being tarnished, or, she was crying because she thought that it was appropriate for the situation.
We ended up having to go thru all kinds of family counseling, and my step-daughter ended up cutting herself and going into a psych hospital.
All this time, my wife NEVER apologized for all the crap she did while she was trying to blame me for this.
We ended up splitting up for a few days. I came up to my family’s house and she stayed home. Within a day she was begging me to come home.
We are both Christians; well at least I know I am. I quoted a bible verse that said “Be still, and know I am God”.
Basically I was saying, relax, don’t do anything, things will work out.
She couldn’t relax, and ended up putting a deposit on a rental house in a town close by. She told me that I ought to have my house, since it was bought with my retirement money.
I have no clue what was going thru her mind, but I knew that this was a crock. I ended up coming home, big mistake; I should have let her move. We worked things out, and said, it won’t be long, and our daughter would move out when she was 18. She had that number in her head as to when the children had to leave.
While her daughter was in the hospital, things were so nice and quiet.
Step-daughter kicked out
When she got done with all of that, she only had one more year of school. After she graduated she turned 18. The money that Jennifer got from social security for her stopped. I could tell that she was antsy about not having that money. A month or two later she kicked her daughter out of the house, under the excuse that she had been dating a boy behind her mother’s back. Dang, the girl was 18, right?
Again, life was quiet, for a while. Jennifer started to gaslight me.
More health issues
I was already having some small memory troubles, and she took advantage of that, and played it up. I was also having issues with vision etc. I got an MRI, and they found a small cyst behind my left eye. It was causing ocular seizures, where everything would get really bright, colors more enhanced, and a split second of “where am I and where am I going”. Medication helped a lot with that, but she was still gas-lighting me.
She was also on a big devaluing campaign with me. The things she would say blew my mind. Everything she did that was unacceptable she blamed on herself being mentally ill. By this time I was seeing a shrink at the VA.
Ok, this has been a very long story, and I will get to the present day.
October 2012 I got my social security disability, as I can no longer work due to my injuries, and the things going on with the cyst. I hate not working, it really sucks. So, we needed a roof on the house, and I got one put on with the back pay you get.
Things getting worse in the house
At that time she started another campaign. This one was to turn the remaining two kids against me. She started by arguing with me whenever they were around. It didn’t get too serious, as Christmas was coming up, and I was always very generous at that time of year.
Her son and I were very close, and did lots of things together and enjoyed each other’s company.
After the holidays it started up again in full force; however she stopped once she found out that the kids were to go to NYC with the band and show choir. Once I had paid that, it started up again with a vengeance. I have no clue what she was saying to them when I wasn’t around, but you could feel the chill in the air.
The end of May 2013 I had a collision with a deer. Where we live, in the country, it is a very common occurrence.
My Saturn Vue was totaled. I was already suffering a depression again, due to the treatment by Jennifer, and the cold shoulder from the kids, who I still love very much.
The Vue was under both our names, and when we got the insurance check, she seemed to want the money. I got 1200 dollars more than what I paid for the Vue, and she wanted the difference for some reason. I am a car guy, and I love shopping for a car. I figured that it would be two weeks at the most that I would have a car.
She made this process so miserable that it took me to the beginning of August to get a car. It was one I didn’t even want, but my wife saw it, seemed to like it, so I bought it to shut her up. It didn’t work.
She was still arguing in full force in from if the kids. One day in August she just piped up and said “I want you out of this house! If I have to move someone else in to get you out I will!”
We had been thru the “get out” thing before, and I refused, as usual. However, this crap of hers was affecting the kids, so I told her I would go to my daughter’s overnight, so as to bring her some stuff for her kids. During all of this time she was packing stuff up that belonged to me, screaming that I didn’t do anything around the house. By this time I was not just depressed, but physically ill. I could only eat poached eggs and yogurt. I had to get a scope down my stomach in Erie at the VA, and she wouldn’t go with me. I had an appointment with my shrink that she wanted to go to with me. I had no problem with that.
She didn’t go, because she conveniently scheduled a doctor’s appointment for her son at the same time.
Divorce papers filed
She then filed divorce papers, and told me that it was because I was sick, and wouldn’t get help! I was dumbfounded and pissed!
To this day, thru all the legal stuff we are going through, it is still her reason for the divorce. She seems to think that I should just leave, and get nothing out of the house except what is directly mine.
I know that I will be MUCH better off without her, but I do understand that she is my addiction. It is very easy to be on guard against her when I am away from her. We had mediation this week, and I just broke down crying, because I still love the woman that she pretended to be. The mediator was just supposed to mediate. No legal advice or anything. When she got done with him, he was giving her advice right in front of me. He didn’t want to hear anything about my offer to her about the house, and basically told me that if I didn’t take the offer that she and he had worked up, I would have to pay Spousal support.
I am so mad that I am beside myself. I am having trouble showing her for who she really is. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that the Law Master who is presiding over this divorce has already seen her as a liar.
The deal is that she gives me 10k for the house, which is what I had offered her back in August. The catch is, she will give me $1,000 upfront, and that she will make a good faith effort every year to get a mortgage, and in the mean time I get $1,000 a year! I was not in my right mind at the time, as I was just bawling like a baby at the finality of it all. I know that I did nothing to deserve this. She even told the mediator that I was a WONDERFUL attentive husband! Go figure. You can’t fix crazy. I am filing against the agreement, and filing against the mediator with the Pa bar association.
I have done some bad things against my first wife thru all of this. I am ashamed of what went down with Pam, and sometimes feel this is my comeuppance.
Fighting against a sociopath
How do you fight against a sociopath during a divorce? She has been able to play the sympathy card, even though she has admitted to why she is divorcing me, and that I was a wonderful husband.
If any of you have any advice, I sure could use it. Please don’t judge me. It has been a long hard road. Oh, and I have been there for my kids, helping them whenever I could. We are closer than ever.
p.s. if she can not get a bank loan you might just want to let go of the money and move on because fighting her will just continue to emotionally drain you and also because it is very hard to break even with a sociopath, they are masters at playing cunning games. You must weight the option of fighting for the 10k vs having peace in your life.
Jan7
When I first read Philips story I did want to write something in return. Then I read it over again. Sometimes it is difficult to understand being a “victim”. I am so used to being the victim and I am a person full of empathy and emotions. I find myself trying to find fault in every person.My sociopath husband taught me this over the past 2 decades. It is unbelievable how much damage they cause. As far as the money. It is 10k and I would fight for it. Be strong, keep your head “above the waves”. Good things happen to good people .
I think what got me reading with his post was the fact that when his first wife and kids needed him the most he walked out and instead of getting help for himself so that he could go back to his wife and kids he choose to be selfish and find another women to take care of him. This was a red flag to me, the fact he was having an emotional intimate relationship with his first wife and with his second wife at the same time seemed to be another red flag, the fact he was taking pain killers was another, there were many red flags…sorry but that is what I thought reading his post. On top of it I did not read much about how she had specifially conned him..when you have been with a sociopath boy do you have a long specific list of things they have done to you, their co workers, their family, friends etc.
One thing I have learned is never waver from your gut reaction and never ignore red flags. The book Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker is a excellent book to remind us to always follow your gut…google “oprah gavin debecker you tube” and watch two of Oprah short interview clips where she is talking with the author about following your gut…something I did not do with my ex as I had no clue how quickly a sociopath can suck you into their game.
Jan7,
I don’t blame you for your gut reaction. Looking back, and even when it was happening I knew what kept me from going back. The “friends” my wife and I had, that stopped coming around after she got sick, rallied around her, now that they had a “cause”. It was really pitiful. They got their noses into things they had no right to be involved in. They were at my house constantly. I had them trying to mow my lawn, chase me away. All kinds of stupid stuff that I sure hope that they don’t do to someone else. Thank God I have friends that didn’t get on the kill Phillip train. At the funeral all I had to say was “thank you to all of you that came and took care of my wife while I was gone, but I have one question, where the hell were all of you when I needed you?!”
As far as my second wife goes, I figured why go into detail on how she hooked me. We all have read, and know how a sociopath works. Sex, flattery, and worship. She made me feel like a king. I could do no wrong, and was the “MAN” in the relationship. Boy did that change. I’ll tell you tho. I really think that if I had not been on the effexor, things would have been a lot different. That crap just made me numb to everything. when I say that, I mean that my moral compass was damaged, due to the numbing effect of the effexor on me. It made it easier to leave. I think that my second wife needed to approach me with such intensity. If she hadn’t, I would not have even gave her a second thought, because the effexor was numbing my mind and emotions so much.
kaya48,
Isn’t it true how the sociopath creates so much destruction in our lives that it’s hard to trust again?!!!!! I find myself measuring people up against the red flags…then I realize how insecure I still am,and I feel bad!
dont sweep the red flags under the rug…that is your gut reacting telling you to watch this person until they earn your trust. If you see red flags then you have a good radar system, trust it.
Jan7. I thought the same as you did. Being in a place where my husband started an “emotional affair”, continued with a real affair and then left, it was hard for me to read philipp left the wife who was terminally ill. I now understand that maybe he was at a very vulnerable time of his life.
Blossom, yes it is very difficult to trust anyone. I am constantly looking out for warning signs. My attorney mentioned something interesting. He said “isn’t it better to rather be alone then being with someone who lies, cheats and betrays ?” I thought a long time about this comment. And it is so true. Often I am wondering what I have done to deserve being played like a fool. But everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes we don’t see it right away but later find out why this all happened. I know it would just kill me if my don would cut me out of his life. But I guess narcissists do not feel the emotion and pain of losing someone. When I dear friend of mine passed away last year , my soon to be ex’s reaction was “get over it, people die every day.” Not a hug, not a comfort, nothing. To me this part is still uncomprehendable.
Kaya,
My pastor said the very same thing about being alone vs being abused. My wife’s mother passed away in 2008. She has tears about it all the time. It confuses me. However, her mother was her tormentor, and I think that she feels about her mother, the way I felt about her when she first kicked me out. “How can I live without her?” As angry as I am with my wife, I still feel sorry for her, because she will never know love they we non-disordered folks do. She will also always be tortured by the memory of her mother. She actually told me one day that she hears her mothers voice in her head telling her what a failure she is, and telling her what to do. I didn’t know what to say to her about this. She has a lot more going on besides being a sociopath.
kaya48,
I thought about what you and Jan7 said…you’re right…people should rightly earn that trust;it shouldn’t be expected to be handed to them on a silver platter as if it were owed to them!
And I think about how shattered I was to find that my marriage was a sham;to know that my children and I would be scarred for years while my husband could care less.Though it’s been a hard road,I feel stronger and happier than ever in my life!
PPPPPPPhttt! My rule of thumb was always, “would I ask such a ridiculous thing of HIM under the same circumstances?” Um, no.
The warping they are capable of is amazing, but once you’re able to put it in objective perspective (and counseling, boards like this, talking to NORMAL people helps), you’re able to easily spot the manipulation tactics, and call them on them immediately. This also helps you measure whether other relationships are “reasonable” or not in that fragile healing time. If it’s any consolation, the paranoia and ptsd is very common and gets better.
May I suggest “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing” by George Simon to help spot, even in retrospect, these tactics.
Jan7
When you said you ‘listen to a story without getting emotionally involved’ I realized this is something I do all the time, but I did not recognise where this behaviour had come from until you said it. Thank you for that clarity.
your welcome Walkinginlight…I think it is a balance…if you are with a trusted friend or family member then yes you get emotionally involved in their story because they have proven to you time and time again that you can let your guard down without being taken advantage of…it’s new friends or business associates that you have to watch getting emotionally involved until they have proven they are trust worthy, you dont know if someone is using pity play to suck you into their con game yet so you have to protect yourself.
how are you doing?
Yes, I totally agree with you – because I don’t feel this way around everyone, there are people I would feel emotionally involved with. But I realized when you said that comment, that this is the way I would automatically be with people I don’t know very well or don’t trust, and I didn’t realize it until that moment. It shocked me. Then it made sense, as to the reason why.
I am ok. Doing a lot of thinking (wish I wasn’t, lol) and reading, especially the blogs you recommended. Think things are becoming a bit clearer in my head. Thanks for asking.
Hi Walinginlight, one thing that I found very helpful especially with settling the mind after leaving my husband was finding a good hormonal specialist. The stress of our relationships messed up our adrenal glands and in return our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol levels, adrenaline levels and hormones and the hormonal specialist can help with this along with a good diet, vitamins/minerals etc will help you to calm your mind. to find a hormonal specialist ask your friends and/or google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list…Mia Lundin’s book is excellent at explain how stress effects our bodies and minds.
It does get better hon, I was just thinking last night about how I felt emotionally when I first left, the first few months till now…I actually had to really think about emotionally and physically how I felt. I also think a good therapist who is extremely knowledgable with domestic abuse is equally as important as finding a hormonal specialist. Sandra Brown author and counselor runs the Saferelationshipmagazine.com she does phone consulttions and healing groups both by phone and at her retreat..she might also be a good option for you to heal.
Interesting. That had been brought up to me before, but my insurance wouldn’t cover the testing and treatment (and still won’t). I haven’t had a period in years despite being 42 and normal horomone levels (ie non-menopausal). I feel like my body took on the anguish and it just got fried.
sunshinejan, mia lundins book might help as well as Dr Christina Northrop’s (her books might be at your library), also getting your adrenal glands working correctly again by a diet such as dr fuhrman’s eat to live can work too you, you might be able to find this book at your local library..see his pbs special on you tube and Dr Amen has a book for women only too (see his site amenclinic) plus the site womentowomen.com and drchristinanorthrup.com (she has been on the Oprah show countless times talking about hormones/adrenal fatigue, you can find some of her interviews if you go to OWN.com then do a search with her name under the video section). Are you sure you are not menopausal? for some women it can start as early as their 30’s but the avg. is around 40-50 years.
The hormonal treatment is not expensive its either cream or pill form of hormones. you can even buy cream hormones at your local health food store (once tested)
I know you don’t have the money but I really think coming out of a abusive relationship get vitamin/mineral, hormonal imbalance and cortisol testing really should be done…according to Dr Wilson adrenal expert he says that the biggest issue for PTSD is adrenal fatigue and it needs to be healed to have a healthy body and mind. A high percentage of women coming out of abusive relationships have PTSD.
I know what you mean about “my body took on the anguish and it just got fried”…that’s the truth!! spending out of pocket for these test and a good doctor really is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, at least it was for me. Talk to the doctor and explain that your insurance does not cover the testing and if he can adjust the price of the test to suit your budget. Also check with your local govt heath center and tell them that you were in a abusive relationships and need assistance with these test they might be able to direct you to a place you can get them at a reduced cost or free.
Thanks for the reply, Jan. Yes, ptsd. I didn’t recognize it for what it was, my therapist and family md did. That constantly overdrive of mind and body, racing thoughts (up in the middle of the night as you can see from the time stamp), rigid neck and shoulders… But all the horomone tests were “normal”. My contention, however, is that my individual”normal” may be different from someone else’s “normal” and my cortisol might be normal simply because it’s on its way down from being jacked up for 15 years, (more, if you factor in childhood and young adults trauma).
Hi Jan7,
What has worked for me, is playing music. I am a musician, and I guess you would call it music therapy. The main thing has been God. Lots of prayer. I pray for my wife, myself, and her children. I don’t pray for reconciliation. I pray for healing, and for peace. I really need people to pray for her children. I tried for years to be a good example or a parent to them. I only hope that some of what I tried to instill in them will stick. The don’t have a real good emotional outlook for adulthood. Honestly, they were scared when I got there.
I have been doing a lot of changing over the last week. The pain, that was replaced by hate, and then just nothing, has turned into the peace I have been praying for.
I am now trying to get her to communicate so we can get this divorce finished. She had cut all communication with me. Really silly, because neither of us has a lawyer, so she is stuck dealing with me. She has pretended to communicate with me, telling me what she thinks I want to hear, and then slipping something into the conversation, that is her real goal. I finally told her, “Hun, if you need the appraisal to get a mortgage to buy me out, then why didn’t you just say so?”
I wish I could just post all of the emails between us. They are a really good example of communication with a sociopath.
This is an interesting story. It would be informative to hear the perspective of other people in the situation, but unfortunately, at least one of them is no longer alive. I feel badly for you, but I must admit some of ways in which you relayed your experience also made me uncomfortable. I don’t know if that’s because of my own individual experiences or legitimate instincts or a combination of both. One thing I have learned over the years having been married to a psychopath and being raised by a borderline mother is that two (or even 3, 4, 5) people can look at the same situation and have completely differing takes on it and sometimes though they don’t match, they are each legitimate in their own right (more often it’s the case that the outsiders’ perspectives are legitimate along with the victim’s because they don’t have all the information and are still under the sway of the psychopath). The other factor is that relations with a psychopath actually change the structure of our own personalities sometimes. I found (and still find) myself exhibiting the very symptoms that the psychopath claimed I had (confusion, oversensitivity, paranoia) in my effort to survive psychologically. The great thing is, though, that with time and distance, things begin to clarify. I wish you that clarity and recovery.
You are right about your personality changing. I am lucky that the normal ME has a very strong personality. Being away from her these past three months, I have been bouncing my old self back a lot quicker than I thought I would.
Every now and then, when I go to do something, or purchase something, I get a little twinge, like, crap, she is going to be so mad. Then, as fast as it came, it disappears. I think that this means I am healing.
I can now talk about this, email my wife, and deal with this with out the pain and hurt that would bring me to tears. I can now deal with her manipulative emails, and just chuckle at her tries at getting me worked up. It doesn’t work anymore. And now that I can deal with her, I have gotten the upper hand on the situation. After todays legal rigamarole I can imagine her in the corner of the living room, curled up in the fetal position. She has to have control, or she looses it, and today is the day total control had been taken from her.
I still feel bad for her, but not so bad that I am going to let it dictate my actions to protect my interests with our property. So, for people reading this, I have to say, it does get better, and it happens like a thief in the night. 🙂
I would also like to add that part of my recovery has been (and this came after the anger/shock phase) admitting that I had personality traits that predisposed me to my ex’s exploitation and had to embrace my own responsibility for the tragedy. I had to made amends to my children AND myself for my own failures (even if they were made in good faith) to provide protection. It was hard! No one wants to hear that they bear some of the responsibility for their own emotional rape! But remember, each one of us bears responsibility only for what we KNEW and willingly CHOSE to do, not the entire disaster. Place the fault where it belongs, let the chips fall where they may. Twelve step programs offer a great guide. Admit this was all largely beyond your control. Make amends how you can. Part of the amends may be simply admitting to your kids that you failed them and unfortunately you will never be able to completely undo the harm, but from this point forward, you are dedicated to becoming the person they (and you) need you to be. There are things I’ll never make up to my kids, but I’ve moved heaven and earth. I entered recovery after years on opiates for chronic pain, despite medical advice, so I could be clear-headed and make the right decisions. I didn’t know how I’d do it, but every time I looked in their faces, I knew I had no choice. He was swallowing me alive and the only way I could save them was to pull myself out.
I did so.
I’m not saying this is your mission. But what I found was that what I feared so much, the pain, the fatigue, the inability to cope…was so much less than I thought it would be. I was tougher than I thought! In fact, I was a damned tough cookie!
I say all this not to find fault, but to tell you where I’ve been and what worked for me.
You are tougher than you think and you can take control.
I hope it helps in its own time.
Swallowing me alive. This comment fits so correctly. This is how I felt for the past 20 years. The constant criticism, the belittling and anger outbursts. So often I was sitting in my closet when he screamed at me in his drill seargent voice. My heart pounding, blood rushing through my veins, shaking and crying. All the while he got pleasure ou of this . I heard remarks ” if you want to cry , get ouf this place and cry somewhere else.” I was completely losing myself in this misery and often questioned myself if I was going crazy. For sure nobody who claims to Iove and protect me would do this. And then I came to the conclusion. It was me, I deserved to be treated like this. After all us was getting older, I did gain a little weight, maybe I was boring. Every day was a struggle not to upset him. Even the pets could be doing something to put him in his rage. My son could have acted not according to his so called standards. Life became a nightmare, the walking on eggshells. But I stayed, I was the best mother, homemaker and wife I could be. It wasn’t enough. He needed someone young, sexy , thin and fun next to him, so he would look good . And with that came my rescue, my way out. Because one night he left with the words “I don’t love you anymore”. I was devastated, in denial, begging him to change his mind. He went on and left after I just was discharged from the cardio ward at a hospital. He left me, my son, 2 dogs and a cat to fend for ourselves while he carefully planned the future with the mistress. Oh, the reason he left me was that I am a crazy psycho bitch and he had no other choice. That’s what he told everyone and his family. Sometimes I believe he has to believe this to justify his selfish actions. Because I know deep inside he knows how guilty he is. In the end he lost his precious family, his home and his life. Once again his narcissism, sex and porn addiction was worth more than the love of his wife and his only child. Sorry I don’t have any empathy for his situation. Even though he is playing the victim in the divorce, he knows he a worthless piece of garbage who destroyed so much. How he could ever live like this is not something I will ever understand .
OUCH! What a horrible decade it’s been for you! The only advice I can give you is to be grateful that she herself decided she has had enough of you, which means you are free to live the rest of your life away from that manipulative parasite. Trust me, she’s doing you a favor. I would insist and expect her to pay you back and to follow through on any legal course you do have, but only because I’m a firm believer in consequences. Considering you have a medical history relating to stress, perhaps it’s better if you just let her go. No contact, that is. It’s only money, and peace of mind is priceless.
You are right, it has been one hell of a decade. We have a final hearing on Friday. This was brought about by my filing a motion of appeal, and a motion for a stay in all actions in this divorce. After filing these, and trying to communicate with her about these things, she just shut down and started pointing her finger, lobbing stupid accusations at me. She likes to hide behind the word of God. The last email I sent, and I did not read the reply, told her that I was sickened by her trying to hide behind Gods word. I told her that even satan knows the word of God, and that she is the proof of it. Oh, I have been tempted to read it, but I know better. After Friday and the resulting follow thru on the judges decision, I will be rid of her forever.
I have actually thought of going to a hypnotist to see if any memory of her could be erased from my mind. I know this is impossible, but if it wasn’t, I would pay any price.
Good Luck Philip! Be prepared for her to lie, cry, plead, play the victim – do not react. It might help not to look at her.
I love Donna’s advice. Never let ’em see you sweat. Nerves of steel, nerves of steel. Easy to say, hard to do. One thing helped me was to use his own tactics against him (ignoring, de-personalization, etc.) I might not try that for the first time in court. Just remember, it’s an official legal proceeding, basically look at it like a business arrangement and separate yourself from the emotion. Easy, right! Lol. Treat yourself like your own client. Treat her mentally as a patient. Bone up on all the tactics they use (for example, DEMONIZING, as you described) so you can spot it, label it, and mentally disregard it. You’ll be surprised at how well you’ll do. We’re thinking of you!