By | November 4, 2014 25 Comments

Letter to the next target

A Lovefraud reader who goes by the name “new_day” knows the next target her sociopathic ex has lined up.

New_day and the sociopath divorced when their son was one year old. He then left the next girlfriend before their baby’s first birthday. He just proposed to the current girlfriend.

It really bothers new_day to sit back and watch. She wants to warn the woman, but doesn’t dare, because then she will be back in the drama.

Here’s what new_day would like to say to her ex-husband’s next target:

Do you catch yourself wondering why he tells those little white lies; I mean about things that aren’t even worth lying about? Or why he is so secretive about things that aren’t even worth lying about? Or why he is so secretive about his friends, his plans, his day, his family, his phone or his computer? You tell him everything about yourself and he just doesn’t have much to share.

Then, just when you have a moment of doubt cross your mind, he sweeps you off your feet and showers you with affection. He makes you feel like your relationship together is so unique and special. It is more meaningful than any he’d been in before he met you. Finally, you found love!! You found the one!!!

Those past relationships of his probably didn’t work out because they weren’t the right woman for him, but You are!

He promises you the world!

He is not actively parenting those kids of his due to no fault of his own.

The credit card debt? The financial obligations? Those aren’t nearly as important as the next big purchase, the next cruise, or even the next good time. Life is a party and no woman or child will ever keep him from his life of adventure.

If you do become boring in his eyes, or no longer useful to him, you will be discarded like yesterday’s news. He will make you realize that you were being used your entire time together.

You will find out that he wasn’t even faithful to you since day one. The pain in your heart and that sucker punch of betrayal will be unbearable. The more you try to understand what has happened to your life, the more you learn that you were the victim of his game.

He never loved you. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. All he does is lie, cheat and steal from those who are closest to him, or complete strangers. It doesn’t matter who you are. If there is an opportunity to benefit himself in some way, he will take it.

He has no emotions.

I’m sorry that you had to cross his path. I wish someone would have warned me but they didn’t.

Get out now.

Let him move on to the next one.

She’s probably already lined up.

What do you think?

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Excellent letter! You could ask a disinterested third party to deliver it, such as clergy, an attorney or a private investigator. That person could explain to the new victim that concerned friends have found out about him and are concerned for her.

Another thing you might do in the letter is change “I” to “we” so that the recipient knows that it’s not just one person with a grudge venting. The sociopath has hurt many and it’s a subtle way to let the new victim know.


Possibly, but it may be received better by the recipient if it’s given personally, and not anonymously. Someone in a relationship with a spath doesn’t need more mysteries, secrets, hints, intrigue.


“past relationships of his probably didn’t work out because they weren’t the right woman for him, but You are!”

“no woman or child will ever keep him from his life of adventure.”

“you were being used your entire time together.”

“he wasn’t even faithful to you since day one.”

“If there is an opportunity to benefit himself in some way, he will take it.”

“sorry that you had to cross his path. I wish someone would have warned me”



even simpler….just send a anonymous letter stating:

“Are you dating a sociopath? You need to look at the website Lovefraud. com and read the book Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, by Donna Andersen because it appears you are dating a sociopath and I am worry for your safety. Please know that experts believe that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths, these evil people are everywhere and it appears you are dating one.”

Had someone send me a anonymous letter like this I would have looked at this site…I might not have connected the dots right away but I would have gone back to Lovefraud every time my ex did something that did not make sense. I think it is very important if you do send a letter 1) that you are in a safe place so that if the sociopath puts it together that you sent a letter he can not harm you 2) that you use the word sociopath and give a direction where the person can read to understand what that means exactly since most people are not aware of the true definition of a sociopath and how common they are in our society.


Thank you to Donna and all of the supportive, and wonderful people who have bonded on this site. I know I am not alone when I say that is an amazing healer. Knowledge really is power.

My ex’s current interest “target” is a great person….just like the rest of us victims. I know what her life is like right now because I have lived it. She has recently reached out to me with questions and frustration about her relationship with the Spath. I am risking waking up the sleeping monster by communicating with her but that’s ok. Today I sent her a message telling her to check out this website. I hope she is able to do her own research and get out of a bad place. Prayers to her, and any of you, who are still “stuck”. May you find clarity in your minds and peace in your hearts!


Great people are what they look for. Thoughtful, caring people. new_day’s ex seems to lose interest when he has to share his target’s full attention with a child, so the new target should be alerted to this as well.

Keep in mind, the person you are speaking about is a sociopath. Here are a couple of good reasons why sending a letter may not be such a great idea….

1. They have no conscience, and can come after you if they think you are getting in their way.

2. The person who is currently involved with them will be unable to hear you just as you would have been if one of his exes had reached out to you.

So the likelihood is great that your letter will do nothing to deter the sociopath, will serve to enrage them, and will fall on deaf ears.

The most I’d encourage anyone to say to the next victim is “if you’d like to talk, here’s my number. I wish you the best.”



I can tell you from experience, it is a waste of your time. I was so hurt, I sent a letter, copies of his previous 4 marriages, his arrest record for previous Stalking.

It didn’t do anything but make HER mad, until after she got burned by him.

The spath is so manipulative you will look like the crazy one.

Your experience resembles the reaction of the next victim when Christie Brinkley tried to enlighten her. You’re right…. it will get you nothing but a slap in your face.

When the conduct bites them in the butt, they’ll get it, but not until they’ve experienced the same heartache you faced.

Hopefully, by creating laws against this conduct, and providing a list of offenders, we can hope to raise awareness…. which is why I’ve undertaken the effort to do both.

Post the name of the offender who harmed you. It’s free.



Here’s another thing women should do. When you meet a possible dating interest that could potentially turn in to something more….GOOGLE HIM. You can find out a
lot by googling a person. The one I was with is right there on google since I put him there. It’s amazing to me the number of women I talk to who are dating a guy and haven’t googled him.



When I met my ex, there was no internet. People could hide everything in their past with ease. Today, we have wonderful tools to get information, although it’s no fool proof.

To this day, my ex has no facebook page or internet presence. I think I’d be real concerned about someone who distinctly avoided all social media!



Yes, I completely agree with you, Joyce. It’s not fool proof. My ex also has no facebook page and his only internet presence is some sports stats for his running. And to top it off, his name is so common that there seems to be hundreds with the same name. So, if someone were to look him up, they’d really have some searching to do to not mistake him for someone else.

If his victimization of you included sexual assault by fraud, by all means put him on the CAD list. It doesn’t give out a great deal of information but it, at least, identifies the state and city where they live. That’ll narrow the field somewhat. And listing him is anonymous.


Hello JM,

What is the CAD list? I am planning my breakup with a sociopath (live in Canada) and want to tell everyone I know she is in contact with about what she has done. I have my own social media plans for this.

If there is a list somewhere, I will “happily” put the name on, why not?

It is incumbent upon the those who have been through this nightmare to warn others! Otherwise we are just as guilty as the perpetrators, when a person KNOWS about this type of behavior, withholding information is just as guilty as the behavior and committing the crime!


The list appears on the CAD Identies page of my blog…

I update the data twice per week, Monday’s and Fridays, for everything that comes in during the interim.


Heartbroken Mom of 1

Back in 2010, when my son was “setting up” the next victim to nail (after abandoning and deserting his sick wife in bed)who we happened to have known briefly in the past (he found her online), we decided to write her a letter warning her. We did not write it hastily but with much prayer. We wished we would have warned his wife-to-be at the time, but she said she would never have believed us because he was “the perfect man” for her and he painted us as “evil, psychos”. We found this out after he left her and we were finally able to get close to her. During their relationship, we always showed her love and tried to get close to her and wondered why she kept a distance from us. It was because of the picture he painted of us.

Long story short, we wrote a very humble letter to the next victim, explaining how hard it was to have to write this about our own son but we didn’t want her to go through the same thing that others went through-all the same love bombing (we gave her some details). When she received the letter she broke off the relationship immediately not because of HIM but because of US! According to our son, (and this can be taken with a grain of salt)she felt like WE were stalking her and infringed upon her privacy!

What I am trying to say is if you feel led to speak the truth to the other victim, do so but be prepared that you may be the bad person for warning them. We do not regret it one bit and wish we could have spared our daughter-in-law much heartache and pain by warning her before she made the biggest mistake of her life.


From my experience, I think it is very likely that your son is lying in blaming you for his girlfriend ending the relationship. It is unlikely that she would break up with him based on the information you provided. If a relationship is strong, real, valued, and based on commitment,an outside party can’t ruin it. Cause some stress maybe, but not destroy it. Spath’s always blame others. Consider that she may have had some doubts, she may have noticed some things that were off, her feelings may have been hurt a few times, and your letter confirmed her suspicions.
In any case, she freed herself.

The world will view any negative discussion you engage in about your child as your being a “poor parent.” Even though sociopathic children go to great lengths to speak ill of their parents and defame them, their social circle will buy-in, without even knowing you.

My son’s ex confided that she had been nervous about meeting me because of the terrible picture he’d painted of me. We all worked for the same company, so doing so was detrimental to my business relationships. Fortunately, I was a large producer for the firm so it didn’t matter much. But it hurt tremendously to know that the son I adored had been so devious and disloyal to me. I had brought him into the business in order to give him a launching pad. He used it to undermine me.

I was relieved when he left the company. He stole trade secrets from them to take to a start-up business venture. Once the new company had the information he brought on board, they fired him. Sociopaths feeding off of sociopaths!


I am glad you were able to withstand the storm. You are so right about people believing the smears of kids. They don’t have to be sociopathic kids, they can be alienated by a sociopathic spouse. I know.

My husband’s words are repeated by my daughter who is not a sociopath but has been very very cruel and controlling of me, skills she learned from him. And b/c he smeared me first, years before I realized his smear campaign was the original reason why people were hostile to me, HER words seem to validate HIS smear. I never cease to be amazed how people can believe lies even when the proof of the truth is irrefutable and unmistakable.


It’s Thanksgiving, a day of realizing and giving thanks and honoring what we have to be thankful for. It’s a difficult day for me so am writing with the hope that saying the words in public will stop their echo in my heart.

I miss my daughter so much. I miss her chatter, enjoying how she speaks about the things that interest her. I miss sharing a meal with her, hearing about her discoveries or travels. I miss the comfort I felt when I knew she was okay, enjoying her life, safe, and loved.

I hurt to know that she could say and do the things she did to me, as if I were nothing to her, which I am aware enough to realize is the reality right now. I am nothing to her. To the one who’s well being matters more to me than any other human on earth. How did she grow up to be so cruel, not just to crush or dismiss my existence, but to take delight in her power to do so and to rub my face in her rejection, to have no empathy at all for the mom who brought her into this world, cherished her, sacrificed so she’d have opportunities and experiences that the world was bigger than a lone house on a dead end road at the mouth of a river, that there was wonder and beauty in the world, in spite of jerks and self centered asses who ruled their tiny fiefdom as depots and tyrants. That there was opportunity to contribute to the world that benefited the world and fed our souls.

I miss her, so much, every day but some days the pain engulfs me. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s day. And she knows it.

Hurting… but still grateful for all the other blessings I have for they are the ones that keep me hopeful and connected and remind me of who I choose to be.

God Bless you all. Happy Thanksgiving.
Grateful for Donna to have this site so I can write and know that caring people understand me, and I reciprocate.


Reading your comment I feel for you. I am so sorry to read about your daughter. Today is Thanksgiving, the first one for me since my divorce was final in July. I can honestly say that I am thankful for being discarded by my ex, for his little girlfriend/co worker crossing his path. My life had never been better. I have my beautiful son who cherishes and supports me one hundred percent. He received a few messages from his so called father today. The ex is begging and whining to my son to have contact. “I miss and love you so much, there is no card in the world to describe my pain”. His exact words.
How can he throw away his family, leave us without any financial support and claim love for his child ? And he has the nerve to wish me, his ex wife, a happy thanksgiving. After trying to send me to a mental institution , trying to get an injunction against me, trying to have me fired at my job? I truly will never comprehend their thinking. It’s like so delusional, so sick and selfish. I have been no contact for about 17 months now. Whenever an issue comes up I will pay my lawyer to handle it. I would rather pay him then to see my ex’s ugly face again. Like I said “whores come and go, but family is for ever”. Maybe now for once he realizes what consequences evilness can have. Oh maybe he is spending thanksgiving with new, fresh supply. Who knows? I am truly thankful that I don’t have to communicate with the devil anymore. And for that I am free.
Wishing all my friends here a blessed holiday. :). Life is beautiful, there is always hope. I know because I went through hell to have peace. 🙂


Your Ex is an ass. He has the opportunity to text your son and he wastes it on whining? Not on making amends, taking responsibility for harming your son’s mother, skipping the poor me and focusing on your son’s well being?

I wrote as a release b/c I haven’t spoken to my daughter in years. No words. The phone company deleted her messages. The one way emails from her stopped a year ago, she cut all communication, letters/cards/packages returned.

If your ex can send texts, then he still has contact with his son, and that’s a place to start, but he’s still all about HIM, not about his son, isn’t he. STILL the NARCISSIST. That’s a lesson in human nature for your son. Sorry he has to learn that lesson, but it’s good for your son to require decent behavior from anyone who wants a relationship with him. And he has you for an example of relationship. Relationships that are reciprocal and care about the well being of others.

I am so grateful to read that your son, wise young man, knows the difference. It makes him more of a man that your ex has ever been.

God’s Blessings on you and yours, We who are free do have much to be thankful for!


Being good and responsible people, most of us survivors want to warn the next victim. Whether it will have positive results or not, depends on so many facts and circumstances. It might be interesting to make a list of the things to consider. What come to my mind are things like will contacting the new victim cause the survivor more undue stress? Is the spath likely to find out and retaliate? What approach will the new victim be most likely to listen to?

An alternative to providing a lot of information is to simply let the new victim know that she is welcome to contact the survivor if she has any questions or wants any information. When I was going through the depths of hell, I would have liked to talk to my ex spath’s first wife, but I didn’t want to disturb or upset her, so I never did. If she had indicated to me that she was willing to speak to me, I would have done so.


I personally would not want to speak to the new victim. It might sound selfish but she was the one who engaged in an affair knowing he was a married man with a family. She should have never allowed herself to be the third party. I don’t have much blame for her since he was married to me and not her. But morally, especially hey being a police officer, she should have stayed away from him. Do I feel sorry for her or do I think about how hd treats her? Not anymore. When I filed for divorce I basically cut him out of my life. He only exists to write the monthly alimony check to me and also to receive am ist half of his army retirement. He does not serve any other purpose for me. I don’t care who he dates or what he does with his life. Hd made his choice and I made mine. His future victims are in a bad place. Hopefully they don’t wait 20 years like I did to see his true self.


You are so absolutely right. My ex is still the same narcissist, all about him. He does not care about anyone but him. Being ignored is torture for him but we could care less. My son thought about changing his phone no and email but he just ignores the stupid , whiny messages. We don’t feel sorry for him and we don’t care about him. Instead of watering his own lawn, he thought the grass was greener on the other side. I guess it wasn’t but he burned down his own lawn. It’s too late. I would never look at him, talk to him or communicate in any way with him again. You reap what you sow. It might be a good opportunity for him to reflect on his life and maybe ask God for forgiveness. After all he has nothing left except his whores.
He is not only a cheater, he also wears the hat of a liar. He has lost all respect from his family and from his only child. He must live with that.
Everything in life has consequences. Selfishness and cowardly acts like cheating and abondening your family is not something that can be undone. To this day I am so grateful that I found the strength to file for divorce. I blocked him for the rest of my life and that’s my victory. The party girls or who ever is his new supply are in for a rude awakening if they hope to have a meaningful relationship with him. He worships satan and when the mask falls, they will find themselves in hell.

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