Peg Streep, a New York City based writer and author or coauthor of nine books, explores the complicated concept of forgiveness
Her findings come from concentrating on the psychological point of view of three questions:
- What is forgiveness, anyway?
- Is forgiveness an evolutionary step forward?
- Does forgiving make you a doormat?
She also addresses the questions, why do humans forgive and, when they do, how do they hope to benefit?
When You Should and Should Not Forgive, from Psychology Today.
Link supplied by Lovefraud reader.
The author asks a great question: Does forgiving make you a doormat?
I believe that a victim’s act of forgiving their ex sociopath is more for the victim’s benefit than anyone’s. It means that the victim has finally “moved on” with a life “sans” the sociopath and is no longer motivated by revenge and bitterness…very negative drives. It is not the same as forgetting (that is impossible), it merely means the victim is finally emotionally free of his/her “affector”.
I love the conclusion of the article- if a relationship is basically healthy with only rare transgressions, forgiveness makes it better, but if it is an unhealthy relationship with a narcissistic type, it will only make it worse. I always felt forgiveness only made them gloat, and more likely to repeat their behavior because why quit when there’s no consequence? Best to forgive yourself for ever putting up with it and go no contact.
Without a remorseful, contrite, repentant heart, there can be no forgiveness. This is what God requires of us and we must require of the liar, deceiver and manipulator. Nowhere does it say that we must be abused and deceived or a doormat. And if we forgive them, because of the sociopaths history and track record, we must be wise and watch and wait. Because if they are not sincere it will eventually be revealed. I sincerely believe that only by a miracle of God can they ever be changed.