Editor’s Note: This letter to Lovefraud was submitted by Lovefraud reader “Pricer,” about his wife.
Donna,
I would first like to thank you for your efforts in helping others like us cope with the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. I also express my condolences for you and everyone else who has suffered at the hands of such a person. I, like yourself, never knew what a sociopath even was until my divorce and I got online searching for answers. My search led me to your site and others and I want to let you know that what you are doing here is not only a good thing but the right thing as well.
I am a member on your site and just like everyone else, my story is much too long for an email. I fear that there would not be enough letters in any one alphabet to use to explain my story as a whole. I do want to inform you of something I discovered through the help of your site. You had published an article in your blog about the warning signs that you may be involved with a sociopath. I also read your book and saw many of the signs that at the time, I was not aware of. I would like to add another sign(s) if I may, that I think might be of interest to your other readers and yourself.
My marriage
I was married to a woman for just under 12 years. Almost from the start, our marriage was rocky and turbulent as it seemed we could not go a week without some sort of argument. The arguments ranged from the children to what bill should be paid first.
I found that I doubted myself much throughout the marriage because I myself had a very rough upbringing complete with all the emotional and physical abuse you could cram into one childhood. I never saw what a “real” husband or father would do on a day to day basis, so much of what I did as a husband and father relied on my moral compass, which is strong, making me a very real true to life empathic.
Like many others, I led with my heart, which made it that much easier for the woman I loved to do the damage that she would eventually cause.
Fake mask
Something I noticed very early on in our marriage was that my ex-wife would put on a fake mask. Where I would see her true self when we were alone, she would put on a show for others.
It was almost like looking at a totally different person. This “new” person loved to be the star. She would laugh, make jokes, and be willing to do anything for others. Truth be told, this made me very upset as I wondered why she was not like this with me.
The woman I always dealt with was very cold and unnerving. She would say the meanest things to me knowing that she was hurting me. I would get upset and argue to only later come crawling back to her when I couldn’t stand the loneliness and cold shoulders any longer. This pattern continued all through our marriage and seemed to escalate when she got a job at a local hospital right before our divorce.
Failed personality test
About a year before our divorce, my ex-wife began to spend more time away from the house. She always blamed her job and her hectic schedule and like a fool, I initially believed her.
When she first accepted the job she was put on a “”conditional” status for a period of three months where she would be evaluated for her work performance and etiquette. One of the requirements was that she take a personality test.
After taking the test she was informed of the results and I came home to see her not only stressing but crying over her results. Apparently, she had failed the test and some red flags were raised. After consoling her and telling her that everything would work out, I was able to get her calmed down. What struck me as odd was that it was almost like nothing had ever happened. She just shrugged it off. I didn’t realize the impact and indication of this “test” until much later on.
Questionable schedule
After a year of her working for the hospital, it came to light that not only did she have a tryst with a doctor (who had no idea that she was married, let alone had children), she was also hanging out with friends during the times she claimed to be on shift.
Since I am in the military, my hours vary and I found it increasingly difficult to react to her various schedule changes and mishaps. While I was rushing home to pick up the children or filling in because she had to work (or so I thought), she was relaxing with friends at their house or going out to eat.
I will never forget her callous words as I told her of my disgust and anger at her actions. She always attempted to turn it back on me by saying things like, “we got married too young and she didn’t have enough time to experiment” and “I am too overbearing on her and she just needs to get out.” Gas lighting, at its finest.
Counseling made things clear
Months prior to the divorce, I broke down and demanded that we both seek counseling. At first, we attempted marriage counseling but on advice from my counselor, we sought separate counseling as I was informed that there was “a little more going on here” than I knew.For a month we both attended separate counseling sessions from different counselors until it was suggested that we conduct a double session with both of our counselors and my ex.
On the day of our session, I discussed my issues with her and the emotions as a result of her treachery. What happened after was only something out of a nightmare as my ex-wife burst out in fits of anger shouting obscenities and again, attempting to gaslight every topic on the table.
If I had to say there was a defining moment when I finally knew there was something wrong, it was the moment when I looked over at her counselor, whose mouth had dropped in shock over the display my ex-wife put on. It became apparent to me that her counselor had never seen this side of my ex-wife before, and was quite taken aback by such a show. It was then that I knew that I was not crazy, what I saw was in my marriage was real, and it was all wrong. This was not the woman I thought I had married.
Don’t be blind to the signs
There were other signs. Stories she had told me of other family members of hers that had quite literally ruined the lives of others. I remember the shock I was in after her telling me such a story and then laughing about it. I still did not realize the danger I was in. The signs were everywhere, I was just to too blind to see them.
My hope from this post is that others see that this is by far not an isolated issue and that it can happen to anyone, including a man who has over 16 years of active duty service to his country. I hope that if anyone sees signs like these that their eyes will open before it’s too late.
Pricer
Pricier,
I’m so sorry you had to experience this betrayal at the hands of someone you loved and trusted. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are on the road to recovery and a more peaceful, joyful life.
Thank you so much for your dedicated service to our country, even while suffering from the emotional abuse you endured. Thank you!
Thank You Hope ! Every day since has been a struggle, but I find a way.
Pricer,
I was almost where you were, but never got married to the one I met. She was considerably younger than me, and I found out later that she preyed on men near my age, or older and made her living doing so (along with prostitution with both men and women, blackmail, and theft). Unknown to me at the time was the fact that she was on probation for blackmailing an elderly man in Illinois out of some $50,000-$80,000 (the amount varied according to what source you talked to) and out on parole from prison in Missouri for some similar activity with a man in his 60’s there. She is currently finishing her sentence in Missouri after completing her time in Illinois and will have another 6 years to serve in a Tennessee prison once she is finished in Missouri.
My socio put on her mask around me mostly, and even more so around a young man in the army stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY. She had both of us thinking she was going to marry us and neither of us knew of the other for some time. Things started falling apart for her when her boyfriend at Ft. Campbell found my number on his phone that she had used once to call me while she was there. He called to see who I was and we began to put things together between us to determine exactly what she was and what she was up to. The final piece of the puzzle was her stealing my credit card and using it to buy furniture, sports equipment for his sons, and gas, groceries, and dinners out for the two of them. At first he didn’t want to admit that she was doing it with my card, but he soon realized it was true and that is when she was finally arrested and went to trial. She even convinced him somehow to put up her bail money after he already knew all she had done, but by the time her trial came up, he wound testifying against her in court.
I’m not sure which one of us was hurt most, he, or me. For him, she was what he had thought was going to be the perfect wife and mother to his children; for me, she practically put me into bankruptcy and eventually did when I could no longer keep paying the credit card payments and my monthly bills, too. Besides stealing my card and running up a huge bill on it, she had milked funds from me that I used the other two cards I had at the time to finance, too. She had produced a “fake” bank CD that was about to be ready to cash in as a way to “repay” me for all she got me to give her. I’m not sure how she was able to come up with the fake document, but it looked very real. I admit, I was convinced it was real and that she would repay me all, or all I would accept from her as repayment.
The young man almost married her. He was convinced by her somehow that I was the one responsible for all her legal problems, that I had set her up to be arrested, and that she was just an innocent victim herself as she had been with men all her life. She actually had married twice–had a child with each, and both her ex-husbands had custody of their child. She said her uncle had molested her as a young girl and even forced her brother to have sex with her when they were both early teens. No one in her family would confirm any of that, but she stuck to the story even on the witness stand. She was a very convincing liar, and she lied often. In fact, she lied to everyone she knew even about trivial things that didn’t matter, or gain her anything. Her mother knew she was seeing the young man in the army, and I guess assumed she was with him while she was with me, and as it turned out, a few other men and possibly women, too. The others while I knew her were her “johns” and maybe “janes” that she saw only as a prostitute during that time. They provided her with quick cash to use for gas and expenses for the extensive driving she did back and forth between the young service man and myself.
She “proposed” to both of us the same night. First to me in the parking lot of a Wal Mart in Union City, TN after using one of my credit cards (without my knowledge) to buy both of us a wedding ring and her an engagement ring. She put mine on my finger the night she proposed, kissed me passionately, and then told me she had to get back home to care for her mother who she said was sick at the time (another lie). Then she went to Ft. Campbell, and proposed to the young man there and spent the night with him. He even got to see her rings (something I never got to see other than the bill for them on my credit card statement). The next day, she was back at my house when I arrived there for lunch during my work day. She was talking to someone on the cell phone she had at the time, but hung up as I pulled up to the house. She met me with a big kiss and smile and told me how happy she was that we were getting married. I needed to relieve myself badly, so I escorted her inside and went to the bath room. She jumped a foot when I came back to the room where she was (she was standing in front of my computer). I apologized for scaring her, but she shrugged it off and coyly asked me how much time I had before having to get back to work. I told her I didn’t have much time and asked if she wanted to have a sandwich with me. She said she would. I opened the refrigerator to get out the things to make us one, and when I turned back around she was smiling with a sparkle in her eye. I then noticed that her jeans were laying across the back of my recliner. I was standing behind the bar in my kitchen and she was on the other side. She stepped over a bit and was naked from the waist down. She then led me to the bedroom so we could celebrate our “engagement”. She told me she was sorry she hadn’t had the time to do so the night before but wanted to make it up to me then.
I don’t think she ever wore underwear of any kind while I knew her. She could simply remove her jeans and the tee shirt, or jacket she wore often and be completely nude. I’m sure that came in handy when she met other men and women for sex for pay. She promised me she would be at the house when I got home from work and we could go out to eat and more properly celebrate our engagement then, too. We both left the house when I went back to work.
She wasn’t there when I got home. I called her number and she told me she had an emergency come up and would text me later to let me know when she’d be there. She had gone back to meet her boyfriend at Ft. Campbell and he had insisted she stay with him for the weekend. She had thought he was going to be on duty that weekend and thus would be free to spend it with me, but he told her that he had been relieved of duty for that weekend and they could do something special to celebrate their “engagement”. She called me later when he was away from her to tell me that her mom was worse and her sister couldn’t stay with her, so she had to stay with her mom for that weekend. I’m not sure how she kept up with all the lies she told us, and sometimes she would trip up on some, but with me, she would tell me that my hearing wasn’t good and I had misunderstood her (my hearing was fine).
On Saturday (she had been at my house on Thursday), I received a call from one of my credit card companies telling me they wanted to go over some recent charges with me because they didn’t seem to the kind I normally made. They proceeded to tell me that I had charged having my nails done for some $175. I was shocked and told them I had not been in the location they told me where the charge had been made, and if I had I wouldn’t be having my nails done, and I really wouldn’t pay that much to have them done, either. The woman laughed and said she didn’t think I had and then started asking me about other charges that had been made over the past couple of days. The total was near $3,000 and all had been made on a path to Ft. Campbell from here and around the vicinity there. Her young man from there had called me a couple of weeks earlier asking who I was and why my number was on his phone. I had no idea at time, but he had told me he was stationed at Ft. Campbell. It was then that I realized she had called me a few times from an “unknown” number and that it was probably her calling me from his phone, not hers. Ironically, I had been at my computer the night before she met me at my house and tried to look her up on one of those sites to check for any criminal records for people you are involved with, or want to hire. Because of the false information she had given me, I had not found anything, but had used my credit card to do it. I apparently left the card next to the computer that night and that explained why she had jumped when I came back from the bath room that day. It probably had something to do with why she so brazenly led me to having sex with her, too, to get my mind off anything else she did??? Anyway, the lady on the phone told me the fraud department of my credit card company would be calling me the next week to go over what I had to do.
I immediately sent a text to her that asked her what she was thinking and why had she taken my card and put all the charges on it. She called me about an hour later and explained that she had found some furniture for “our” bedroom that she wanted and was only trying to surprise me. She further lied that she had her nail and hair done so she would look more beautiful for me when we went out to celebrate our engagement, and wondered if I would be willing to take her to Las Vegas some time during the next couple of weeks so we could get married. Meanwhile, she would begin moving her things in to my house and begin staying with me until we did. She promised to have the furniture charges removed from the card if I didn’t want to pay for the bedroom furniture–she claimed that she had told them to wait about delivery of it until she moved in with me. All of it, of course, was lies.
The next week, the fraud department called to tell me that the total charges came to over $6,000 (I had cancelled the card on Saturday when they first called me). Some of the charges had not come thru they explained when the first representative had called me. They further told me that the only way I would not be held responsible for the charges and have to repay them would be to have her arrested and prosecuted, and interrogated me like I was some kind of criminal in the process. It seemed to me that they were trying to make me be liable for the charges in any way they could.
I looked up the young man’s number on my caller I.D. on my phone and called him to see what he knew about what she was doing, or if he had seen her. He at first didn’t seem to believe anything I was telling him, but then surprised me by telling me she was there right then and I could talk to her about it. He put her on the phone and she tried to act as if she never heard of me, or had any idea who I was. She even tried to change her voice some to make me think she was someone else. He finally got back on the phone and told me he would call me back. A few minutes later, he called to tell me that she was gone, that he had thrown her out and that yes,she had bought furniture that had been delivered to his place and gotten his sons some sports equipment. Eventually, he believed that all the charges I had been told were made on the card had been made by her and said he’d help me recoup all we could. We agreed to meet in Clarksville the next afternoon after he got off duty.
We met and discussed our possibilities. He was obviously devastated and seemed in disbelief that she had done any of the things I told him. He couldn’t figure out how she was at my place the same day that she was at his that night, and that she was supposed to be keeping his sons for him while she was at my house. I told him I was somewhat sure that I wasn’t the only other man she was seeing, too, because she had told me about needing to be in Union City and Jackson at different times, and considering that her home was supposed to be in Missouri, I couldn’t figure out any other reason for her to be going to Union City and Jackson. After we talked, we decided I needed to go to the police in Clarksville and Oak Grove, KY where most of the charges had been made. I did so that night and they filled out an arrest warrant on her. From their background check on her, I was also told of some of her past victims and activities that up until then I had no idea of. I called the young man on my way home and filled him in on some of her past criminal activity that I knew at that time. He was incredulous and, like me, couldn’t believe that the woman we knew could have done all the things the police had told me was on her record. She had been arrested several times on suspicion of prostitution, but had never actually been convicted of it. We both reluctantly agreed that she probably had done so.
I received a call from her the next day. She apologized for what she had done, offered to pay me $300 a month to help pay off the card if I wouldn’t have her arrested. She knew what I didn’t at the time; that if she was charged with the theft of my card, she would have to serve out the remaining sentences she was on probation and parole for then. I don’t think she felt she would be given much of a sentence for what she had done to me, and she evidently had a plan to use the young man to stick up for her and lie in court that I had been threatening her, or something and was attempting to blackmail her into marrying me instead of him?? It was crazy, but she was trapped and trying whatever she could to escape prosecution. She called me twice more before being arrested to tell me that if I would drop the charges, she would not only marry me, but that she would have any kind of sex I wanted with her as often and as much as I pleased and she would never leave me, or see another man again for as long as I lived. The night she was arrested, she came by my house and tried her best to get me to have sex with her again. I was standing at my door blocking her entrance, but she even began to strip down in front of me, not completely, but enough to let me see her breasts and tried to get me to touch her most intimate places. She was obviously desperate and I almost felt sorry for her. By that time, I had found out that she had returned the rings she bought for herself and swapped them for more expensive ones and somehow still managed to get them added to my credit card account even with the card number cancelled? I have never figured out how she did it, and have never had it explained to me by the credit card company of how they allowed it. She is on video at Wal Mart in Oak Grove, KY doing it, however. She, however, swore to me that she had returned the rings and everything that she could to the places she charged them and that they were taken off my charges. Again, lies. All that was returned was the furniture, the two rings she gave me and the young service man, and the sports equipment she bought for his sons. At the end, she still had racked up over $7,000 in charges that was never returned. Part of that was taken off my account by the credit card company, but the rings never were as they claimed that I approved her to purchase them. The rings she bought for herself never were recovered and no one knows what happened to them except her. She still claims she took them back, but there is no proof, or video to support her claims.
All this occurred around Thanksgiving and Christmas one year, and she was tried and convicted in July of the next. Except for a few days that she managed to spend with the young man at Ft Campbell out on bail, she has spent all her time in jail somewhere since the 3rd of January when she was arrested the year of her conviction. Prior to her trial, the officers uncovered more things she had done, and on her computer (that I had purchased for her), there were websites she was on “advertising” her for sex for “compensation, appreciation, and/or tips” that included sex sites for men seeking women, and women seeking women. Her sister unfortunately, found these and turned the computer over to the police to view. She was sickened to see her in pictures with other women doing what she called “things I could never believe two women could do together”. She called her a filthy slut who deserved to be put away. All she asked was that no one would tell her mom about those things. Her mom, thankfully, was not at her trial. Oh, and her mother was perfectly healthy, too. She was never sick, or needed to be cared for. She also kept the only daughter her daughter got custody of on every other weekend while the woman spent time with me, her young service man, and whoever else she pleased. She rarely saw her daughter. She hasn’t seen her youngest daughter since right after she was born. She was serving time in jail when she was born, and her daughter was taken from her and turned over to her ex-husband who was the father. She never sought, or received visitation rights for her.
The woman was good at what she did. She could appear to be someone who seemed to be a really sweet person and just needed a break to be a productive citizen, and maybe a good wife and mother. That was how she appeared on the outside when she put on her “good” mask. Inside, she was a cold-hearted, calculating, con artist, scammer, prostitute, thief, and black mailer who had no feelings for anyone, including herself, I think. She didn’t use the money she obtained to do anything to make her life much better. She didn’t have a nice car, or a place to live, or many clothes to wear. When she was arrested, her mom told me she possessed two pair of jeans, a few pair of shorts, two dresses (one that was nice), the car she drove, and the computer I bought her. She wore an old pair of tennis shoes until she bought the sports equipment on my card–then she apparently bought a new pair for herself. She had one pair of high heeled shoes, and another pair of flat soled casual shoes. Her sister said she only had one bra, and just a handful of panties–not that she ever wore any of those much. She also owned a fleece, zip up jacket she wore most of the time when it was cool, or cold, and at night, and some half dozen tee shirts, at least two of which were pretty old. She had only one other top I ever saw her wear, and her young service man couldn’t remember any more,either. Oh, and she had some 26-28 prepaid cell phones in the glove compartment of her car. She only used them long enough to stay in contact with whoever she wanted to until they no longer were any use to her, and then she’d change phones and couldn’t be contacted by anyone she had wronged. She had separate phones she used for her service man and me, and still another she used for her family. She lived with her mother, her grand parents, occasionally with her sister and her family, and stayed with whoever she was conning at the time the rest of the time. There was no physical address you could find her at. Even her family was never sure exactly where she was at any given time. She would tell her mom she was staying at her grandparents, or sister’s, but she would really be with one of her victims, and do them the same way. Her mom told the detective that arrested her, that she had only been at her home for less than two weeks total in the past year. She stayed a little more at her grand parents, but even they rarely knew where she was. Her sister only saw her when she was hungry, or one of her kid’s birthdays. She did seem to always bring them something for their birthdays each year.
The truth was, no one knew her very well. She lied to everyone, and she never told any of them how she felt, where she’d been, or where she worked. In fact, she had never had a job in her life. Her young service man found out that one of her teachers in school had given her grades in his class for having sex with him. I’m not sure how he found that out, but he claimed it was true and that one of her friends from high school had confirmed it. It was felt he might not have been the only one to do so, either. Her first car was obtained by having sex with the salesman who wound up paying for it for her. He lost his job later on when she wanted a newer model according to her sister. Until she was arrested, she had no idea why.
From my calculations, she was making money that would add up to over $100,000 a year if she did so at the rate she did while I knew her the entire year. What she did with it all is a mystery to everyone. She had to pay $600 a month to the man in Illinois she blackmailed to remain out of jail, and did so for over an year. Except for buying gas and food, there were no other things anyone knew about that she spent the money on. The Detective seemed to think she probably spent it on drugs, but in all the times I saw her, and according to him, all the times she saw the young service man, she never appeared to either of us to be high on anything. Her eyes were always clear, her speech was never slurred, and she didn’t have any drug related items with her when arrested, or in her car. None of her family ever thought she was doing drugs, either, but of course, they didn’t see her all that often.
What I do know is that she could appear to be one of the sweetest women you had ever met, but underneath, she had no feelings of guilt, responsibility, or love for anyone. Like I’ve read from others on this site, it’s a shame. She could have used the talent she had to be a very productive citizen, and have made someone a sweet wife, or a be a great mother if she had been inside what she could portray on the outside. She wasn’t dumb, or stupid; she was smart and crafty. She managed to keep herself out of jail for the most part for almost 14 years after graduating from high school. Now she is facing another 7+ years in prison before serving out her time. Thank goodness she isn’t eligible for parole. Her past record kept her from getting that from the judge at her trial. He didn’t give her the maximum sentence she could have received, but he gave a three years over the minimum he could have. I hope when she gets out she will have changed and will live a decent life, but unless her soul changes, it won’t happen. She won’t be as attractive when she gets out as she was and may not be able to con people as easily as before, but she will probably learn a few things in prison to keep her from being prosecuted in the future when she does what she can. For my part, I have learned that there are truly evil people in the world. You can’t trust everyone, and if someone appears too good to be true, they likely aren’t what they appear to be. I have since found a wonderful woman who really is sweet, and who loves me very much. We are happily married now, and I am slowly climbing out of the hole financially that the socio helped to put me in. Life is good right now. My credit isn’t, but we have enough coming in to take care of our expenses and pay off my debt a month at a time. This year I will have paid off a large chunk of it, and hopefully by the end of next year, the rest will be. Socio-paths are real. They exist and we probably see more of them daily than we realize. Be warned; be careful with anyone you come in contact with and have any kind of dealings with. If they seem to be doing something out of the way; stay clear. They may be conning you, or scamming you in some way. Good luck to all; I hope you never have to deal with anyone like that in your life again.
tnvictim – what an unbelievable story. Thank you so much for sharing. I am glad you and the soldier discovered what she was and prosecuted. The only way the rest of us are safe is when people like her are locked up.
Hi Donna and everyone……I just thought i would mention this and perhaps others are already aware and watching but I am basically addicted to the ID channel these days. Investigation Discovery Channel. It has been SO educational. The stories are just amazing…..and they are real live stories. Anyhow, I highly recommend people watch some of these shows if they ever find themselves doubting that the person they were involved with really is a sociopath. ANYONE can be fooled by these creatures.
I accidentally reported this comment, Donna. Just hit the wrong button when I replied. Sorry!
I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience, but I’m glad you found love with a sweet authentic woman.
Apparently, selfless men and women who serve their country are targets of Spath. This is another point that should be brought to the attention of our society.
I also often wonder what my ex did with all the money. I found out he conned his ex-wife out of $100,000 right before he met me but he never had a cent, it seemed. My ex has a history of drug abuse but I rarely saw it (after the fact I realize he could have been high)…so does anyone know…where does the money usually go?? any ideas?
Maybe he was a gambler . Money goes fast in that lifestyle. Women, drugs, and gambling are a bad combo. It’s baffling to the mind. I’m so sorry for your betrayal. Your screen name is accurate. 🙂
Thanks! It is very fitting, isn’t it? lol I forgot about the prostitutes. He would have to pay them. and he could have lost it on drug deals gone bad too. he apparently has dealt with some pretty shady folks. I remember once sneaking his phone and I saw a nasty text from someone who I think was a prostitute. I tried to call her to find out but she refused to talk to me. lol I guess that was my answer. of course he said it was a ‘mis text’ from someone he didn’t know…haha! I am still shocked that he never gave me any diseases. We rarely had sex. He was pathetic in bed. I think the hookers serviced ‘him’ and that was it because he stunk at it. lol
SS
tnvictim;
I am glad to see that there was a pseudo-happy ending in your story with your spath being locked up. It is comforting knowing that she is unable to do something like that to anyone else in the near future. It is horrible to know that someone had to go through what you endured at the hands of such a person. It’s almost like we’ve discovered a “new” species of human being that isn’t quite human. I applaud you for your strength and thank you for sharing your story with others.
These stories are more examples of the “fatal flaws” sociopaths have. For all the thousands of dollars they have conned from others, You’d think they would have invested it in a Swiss bank account and bought a home overseas or something useful like that. They could have saved it and done something useful. Instead, they squander it on stupid things because they are too impulsive to think and plan ahead. They also have the audacity to do these things so blatantly that it is just a matter of time before they get caught. They don’t seem to care if they get caught. Then they trade one game for another – cheating their lovers to cheating the court system. As long as they win, they don’t care what game they are playing. It’s a really twisted logic, and it is not in line with the consensual reality. That’s why it usually fails at some point. Life is very exciting for a sociopath, with lots of drama – the drama of committing a crime, getting away with it, and eventually getting caught. A conventional life just does not fit the bill for these people.
Sorry for what you all have had to go through.
Stargazer is correct that sociopaths have flaws that are apparent to normal people. It’s a shame that victims become so mesmerized by the elaborate fantasy that we overlook the flaws. But now that I know! I laugh to myself at the stories he tries to get past me and the lies he forgets about and gets all tangled up. It’s so much better when I keep no contact.
I actually caught my spath in the act of “hiding” money from me when I returned from a deployment to Africa. Her reply as to why she had over $800 in cash hidden in an envelope in one of her pocketbooks in our closet was that every check she had pulled out $200 for expenses (every two weeks). The math did not add up and I realized that she had probably taken much more. I empowered her to be able to do this by giving her free reign with my checking account while I was deployed. Since I figured she was my wife, I didn’t bother looking into where all of the money was going. Like stargazer points out, I don’t think that the thought of saving or investing the money comes into their heads because it’s almost as if they are hoping to get caught. In reality though, I think the answer is much simpler in the sense that since they didn’t have to work for the money in the first place, they do not feel the desire or need to save it or protect it. My bank account was just one big piggy bank.
To: “SociopathsSuck”
My ex was very bad with money from the beginning, but I thought that it was just poor planning and impulsiveness. It took me quite a while to decide that he was “irresponsible” and it took years for me to admit to myself that he was actually “dishonest.”
He spent a fortune on child pornography, which I didn’t know about for years, and he also just bought “stuff” on impulse, selling it at a loss later on. We were always changing cars, changing apartments/houses, going on expensive vacations we couldn’t afford because his job was “so stressful” he had to relax. He only bought incredibly expensive clothes, shoes, wine, etc. He just charged it on the credit cards while I worked like a rented mule to try to pay off the credit cards. Anytime I tried to talk to him about being more sensible, he would explain that he was on the verge of making huge money, and all the bills would be settled at that point. (He actually did start making big money about 10 years into the marriage — and that’s when he wanted a divorce.)
“Pricer” who posted above is right that if you are skimming money out of somebody else’s account, you probably aren’t going to do anything sensible with the money, because you didn’t do any work to earn it.
My ex was married twice more before he died, and when he did die, his parents had to pay for his funeral, because he died broke. He was a financial planner, with all sorts of licenses, and managed millions of dollars of other people’s money. But he was always in debt, and every penny he ever earned went toward bills that were already incurred.
One of the reasons that our marriage lasted so long (over 10 years before the separation) was that I could never accumulate enough money to move out and hire an attorney.
I was curious about this aspect of sociopathy myself, and asked a couple of years back about other people’s experiences. From what people said, it looked like maybe 5 to 10% or so were married to sociopaths who were of the “scrivener” type, and another 5 to 10% were married to sociopaths who were relatively normal about money issues. But the ones who spend big on themselves at the expense of the rest of the family seem to be the predominant type.
It’s so odd to me. How does someone steal $100,000 and you don’t see it at all? He had an old pickup, regular clothes and not that many of them, a computer his ex-wife bought him and that was about it. He never spent a lot of money although his ex said he used to have a lot and bought big stuff when they were together. It is like the $100,000 just went ‘poof’. I never noticed drug use either. I wonder if he didn’t invest it in someone else’s name. I don’t even know if that’s possible. He used to talk about stock trading all the time. He traded for me but I made sure everything was put in MY name, not his, so I still have it all. lol
Pricer.
Your story sounds just like my husband’s. My husband is also military. He married her at the age of 19. had three kids with her and she did the same thing. She was so nice to people’s faces but a nightmare to him. She refused to work and he had to work 3-4 jobs just keep them afloat but had no idea where all the money was going and had nothing to show for it. When she did get a job and started staying out “with freinds” she was actually having affairs. 4 that he has proof of. They divorced. She turned the kids against him when she found out that he was in a serious relationship.
When we got married she flew off into a rage that has never stopped even though she was married herself. He was in severe debt from her and when he went to Iraq I took every penny of his combat pay to pay off the debt she made.
She is now stalking our 5 year old son. We are in the process of getting a restraining order and an injuction against her to protect him. Dont feel bad my husband is a Master SGT, deployed to 2 combat zones and was married to a sociopath. Thanks to Love Fraud we know what she is.
oh wow! good luck with this. How dare she go after your son!! I hope you’re able to teach her a good lesson!
I can so relate to Pricer about his wife being mean and acting one way to him and to the rest of the world showing a totally different face. My husband has people convinced he is charming, easy-going, and protective of his family. In reality, when we are alone he is mean, flys into rages, and when caught in his lies and half-truths somehow blames everything on me. I asked him to move out three weeks ago. If I divorce him, friends and family will be stunned to hear of this side of him.
Platinum,
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle. I know when you first separate from your partner, the loss is all around you and it’s difficult to adjust. While you feel relieved to be out of the Spath storm, you still feel the loss. We’ve all been there and support you.
Be very careful how you share your story with others. While you are just beginning to know the truth and start the path of healing, he has been setting you up for years. His smear campaign started long ago.
For myself, my husband spent years trying to make my grown children believe that I am unstable-which I am not! They see the truth now, but it was difficult at first.
Please think everything through. Your husband sounds very clever. Don’t believe anything he says. He ALWAYS has an angle to serve himself.
Best wishes as you go forward!
Hoping to Heal,
Thank you so much for responding. I am new to this site and searching for answers.
This is a second marriage for both of us. I was raised to pull myself up by my bootstraps and find the silver lining in everything. If I am handed lemons in life, I was taught to make lemonade. So whenever he flew into a rage, had an affair, lied about his dipping smokeless tobacco, I’m afraid I looked the other way and believed him when he said it was all my fault, I was making too big a deal out of things, etc etc.
So my family will be in complete denial about his temper or his lies because to the outside world he has treated me very well, buys me lavish gifts, etc. Now mind you, I am an educated, professional woman in my own right, how could I have been duped by this guy?!!!
I am sorry your husband tried to make you look unstable in front of your grown children. My ex did everything he could to make me look bad in front of my children and would tell them he would cut off his arm if I would only take him back. At the time, my children were much younger and would come home crying and blaming me for the divorce. Of course he never told them that he had multiple affairs……sometimes taking the high road seems WAY over-rated. Sounds like you handled yourself with dignity and respect. Bravo!
Take care,