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By | April 7, 2014 162 Comments

What NOT to do when you realize you’re involved with a sociopath

You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.

Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.

You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.

Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.

You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.

You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.

But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).

So what do you do with this information?

First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.

Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”

Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”

Don’t do it.

Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.

The sociopath’s reaction

Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.

The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:

  • Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
  • Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
  • Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.

Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.

So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.

Sociopath’s family

Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.

Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.

Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.

Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.

Talking to friends

Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.

Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.

This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.

Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”

The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.

In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.

The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.

People don’t understand

Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.

If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.

So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.

Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.

 

 


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OpalRose

Donna – I am in this situation right now. If not for the great information, resources and posts on Love Fraud, I would be making so many mistakes right now. THANK YOU for all you do for all of us.

I am gathering information on everything while maintaining a calm probably boring façade at home. I notice that I have a bit of an allergic reaction (repulsion) to him these days and I try to keep my distance. He’s a bit pushy right now but I am careful to not react – that’s pretty tough because deep down I am angry. But so far so good.

I am hoping to have time to make all arrangements before I leave so that I can leave safely and permanently. I am not talking to anyone about it – that’s a mistake I would be making right now if not for the good advice here. The most important lessons – they will never change and do not believe anything they say – these are my mantras right now.

Thank you so much !

irishlass

OpalRose.

How are you staying so strong and so positive? How long have you realized this about your partner and how long has your journey towards leaving him been?

I admire you resolve and hope to find it. Just wondering how long it has taken you to get to this place of calm?

All the best to you in this journey.

Irishlass

OpalRose

IrishLass – I take it one day at a time. It has been 5 years since my first discovery and counseling through work. 5 years to finally really get it and decide to depart. I had thought I could “shelter in place” until retirement 3 years from now, but my recent additional discoveries made the decision for me.

So sorry for your situation – I was frantic when I first discovered he is disordered. I’m still nervous sometimes. I pray a lot – God knows everything so I don’t have to explain myself – I can vent without fear of betrayal.

I hope this makes sense to you. So glad you found this site – it is a life saver. Best wishes to you.

irishlass

Thank you for that. I applaud your strength. The strongest tool my husband now has is that he succeeds in stripping me of self confidence frequently. You begin to self doubt all of the time when the abuse and anger are so convincing.

I wish you all of the best. I understand how it would take at least that amount of time to get your heart to meet your mind in terms of this scenario. No one wants to believe and accept that the person they are to spend eternity with is simply using them as a pawn in their narcissistic game of life. That is a pill larger than most to swallow.

I look forward to researching more and more on this site for strength and guidance. I am shocked at the amount of women on this site… it is so sad that we are living in a world filled with such deceit.

Thank you again for your personal reply. Believe it or not, things like that, the personal connection from someone else who is living this nightmare, helps to get me through the day.

Irishlass

Kathleen

Hi OpalRose, I admire you for keeping calm. You’re doing exactly the right thing. Your support is on here – at least until you can trust anyone you know to confide in later. I’ve been NO CONTACT (including mutual ‘friends’ and his family) for more than 3 months now and feel relieved after 7 years of abuse.

OpalRose

Kathleen – so glad you are No Contact. It is so encouraging to hear you are NC for 3 months and feel relieved after 7 years. No Contact is my goal and if I can just hang in there until I’ve made all my arrangements, I think I can do it. Staying focused on logistics is keeping me busy and helping me to not panic. I’ve noticed that I’m thinking more about myself these days and less about him. That is such a big step for me !!

Best wishes for your continued recovery and thank you so much for sharing that you are feeling better !!

irishlass

Donna,

An article like this is priceless to someone like myself who has just realized her husband of 5 years (and partner of 10) is indeed a psychopath. You get to that place where realization sets in and the ball of momentum starts to move rapidly. However, I feel so many roadblocks are still in the way.

We have two small children and we own and operate a small business together. Finances are tight… very tight. And yes, he has blamed me for that 100%. How do I go about separating myself from him and the business? It is daunting to imagine doing so alone. Can I pay for a lawyer in secret with money that technically is both of ours? How does that end of things work? I have never filed a police report against him when he has gone into his many rages as I have wanted to protect him, his reputation in our community, etc. Will this mean that there is no trace of the emotional and verbal abuse I have endured for 10 years? He threatened to “ruin my life” recently when I calmly told him that we need to amicably split and find a way to co-parent our children apart… that we are not meant to be together as a married couple.

All of these things and more pile up and the fear and doubt set in. Do I have the strength to deal with him every day, care for my two small kids, run a business, run a household and work on my exit? I used to be such a strong, capable woman… now I am insecure and afraid I do not have what it takes. This is another by-product of living under his spell. He has succeeded in killing most of my self confidence and positivity.

I know these posts come across as so very self serving and self centered… all about me. I am just so relieved to have found this site… full of other people who are going through so many of the same things.

I suppose one day at a time is all that we can do…

Thank you again for the insight and support.

Irishlass

Stargazer

Irish lass, like Donna said, you need a strategy and you need to plan carefully. This may require honing your acting skills. I wonder if you could fake a sickness that made you tired and listless, like chronic fatigue. It probably isn’t too far from reality, as I’m sure you are exhausted from living with a sociopath. If you suddenly become lethargic and needy, a sociopath will get bored and run for the hills. Maybe he will at least spend time away, giving you more time to plan your escape. It’s easier to try to bore a sociopath away than to announce you are leaving.If you were too “ill” to run a business, the business may have to close, but you can open it on your own one day. Just brainstorming here.

The other thing would be to collect any evidence you can on any of his exploitive or abusive activities. If you could tape a conversation where he threatens you, you could maybe get a restraining order. At least you can keep it as evidence if you ever need it. Or maybe there is a paper trail of his fraudulent activities or deceptions? But document everything!

I don’t know the legalities of dividing a business. you may have to just force the business to close while you are squirreling away money for yourself and your kids or open one under a different name that was just yours. I wish Matt would drop in. He’s a former LF member who is a fraud attorney. (Even a fraud attorney got duped by a sociopath!)He always had great legal advice for these kinds of situations.

I would also contact a Domestic Violence center in your town and ask for their advice. They should keep it confidential and may be able to offer you some help and advice. At very least, there are shelters for you and your children if need be.

BTW, I don’t see where your posts are self-centered. You need help and this is a great place to ask for it. Keep reading and asking. Many people here found the strength to extricate themselves from their sociopathic spouses. You can too.

irishlass

Thank you for all of the replies. I made a call to a well respected divorce lawyer today. The same one I called last summer. He had a wait list as he is the best in our area. By the time they called me back in october, I had changed my mind… this was before I realized his sociopathic ways. Today I made an appointment for an initial consult. I hope this will answer many of these initial questions. I also talked to the marriage counselor we had been seeing alone today. He is VERY supportive of me and sees exactly what I am saying and doing about my husband. He gave me very sound advice (similar to much on here) about having to act normal until I am ready to make the move.

I will call the local domestic violence locations this week. It is so much harder to talk about verbal and emotional abuse as the scars are invisible to the naked eye. But it is necessary. Knowing what I know now… my heart breaks for the so many women who are living in this nightmare and do not have the wherewith-all to research and find a page like this. It is so very sad.

One day at a time… that is the song I sang at my fathers funeral last year… and it will be the song I sing myself to sleep with every night until I can escape with my boys safely.

Thank you again. My Dad must have led me to this page as I have been asking him to help me so much as of late…

irishlass

HopingToHeal

Irishlass,

So happy you are preparing. One tip, please do not take your cell phone into the lawyers office with you. Make sure your location services are turned off. Just tips that I was given.

My dad also passed away last year and I feel like he led me here. Its so touching to hear the same sentiment from you. So sweet.

I_survived_The_Bastard

What I would say about any research you do, try not to do it on the home computer as if he knows anything about computers he will be able to track what sites you have viewed. If you do do stuff at home, clear your viewing history, clear the cookies and cache files, and also empty the Temp folder (if you’re on a PC). All these places dump files which will give him info on what you’re looking at.

Also, check out the thread on here about mobile call tracking. Become paranoid in a good way. Believe that every communication channel can be viewed by him & possibly every key stroke on your computer. Use a public one if you can. Become a spy & behave like one, as this is now a game, a very serious game of espionage.

kaya48

I wish I would have found this website a long time ago. I was discarded once I exposed him in his web of lies. I should have never confronted him. I was thrown away like garbage. In the mean time he changed all bank accounts and left my son and I with absolutely nothing. He labeled me “mentally ill” and he even “baker acted ” me here in the state of Florida. (He is a cop and it was easy for him to do). The psychatrist on duty was outraged how he was abusing his “cop”powers, how he manipulated the system. Yes, I was released in a few hours. It was painful and embarrassing that my “husband” would do something like that. Wasn’t he suppose to love me and protect me?
Over a year later we are in “nasty” divorce proceedings. Everything we ever owned belongs to him. He stopped paying the mortgage in order to ruin my credit. He stopped paying his sons college tuition . He throws obstacles in my way that are unimaginable. If you think divorce is difficult, divorcing a sociopath is like going to war with your biggest enemy. You have to be prepared for lies, accusations and manipulation. He is the one who had an affair and abandoned me. But he portrays himself as the victim. He took all the money but he claims he is poor. Everything in this divorce is a fight. He hides income so we have subpoena places. It’s just lie after lie.
My advise is prepare yourself a long time ahead for a divorce. Try to have as many monetary resource, so you are able to pay for good counsel. Don’t tell him you are filing for divorce. Dont communicate except through lawyers. Have no contact. Do not engage in any conversation with him. Have a good solid plan how to exit this marriage. I didn’t. Fortunately he left but the house had to be sold. The court ordered it to be sold. This is a “no fault” state so it really does not matter if he cheated of not. Educate yourself and get advise from legal counsel. To me this is like dealing with a business partner, a very bad one. Put all your emotions aside.
And yes , take one day at a time. Things will get better. Good luck.

kaya48

And yes, ms Donna is so right, people will not understand what you are dealing with. I actually had friends saying “why are you letting such a good looking guy just go? He is such a wonderful person and father “. They don’t know what kind of evil monster he is because he was “wearing his mask” around other people . I just don’t answer remarks like this. Comments like “he is still your sons father” I ignore. My son made his decision about his father. We don’t need other people telling us how to act. Fortunate my son is 19. He does not see him as a “father”, real dads don’t do evil stuff to their families.
So, my advise is to ignore “stupid” comments. Only a handful of “true” friends know and understand his true evil nature. And they are the ones who are my support system along with my faith . Because God has a plan for you. You might not see it at this moment but eventually you will. I know because I was there and now this entire nightmare will come to an end soon and I will come out a much stronger person.

HopingToHeal

Donna,

Thank you so much for your list of what NOT to do. Thank goodness I did not confront my Spath when I realized the truth.

I’d like to add one additional suggestion and that is that we should be aware of the windows of opportunity that God provides. Once you take in the information and your heart realizes the truth of your situation, be very mindful of timing. Donna is correct, you should not make a knee jerk reaction. However, you should not become paralyzed . Plan! Seek information that can support your plan. Have more than one plan,

First, and foremost, you will probably need an emergency plan. Have bags packed for you and your children. Have extra medicine available. Have a couple of pairs of clothes, extra toothbrushes etc. buy a cheap throw away phone from Walmart and have a phone card to buy minutes. Most importantly, have a place to go. Seek out someone you can trust, or a inconspicuous hotel. Have cash available. Most people don’t have to execute this plan, but it needs to be in place.

For a long range plan, I attended a local seminar for women who were thinking of divorcing. There were counselors, attorneys and financial advisors there. These professionals provided excellent information and helped me fine tune my plan.

Fear of an unknown future can paralyze us. But I truly believe that if you wait and watch , while planning, God will provide the right time. When He opens the door, don’t hesitate or question if it will change if you stay. Listen to your intuition and trust what your spirit knows. Walk….no, run out.

I dread that day of ending my marriage, But it’s coming at me very quickly.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Donna, can you share information on how to fight the smear campaigns that were put In place against us long before we knew the truth? Is it best to just let it play out?

Vicki Kuper

There is not much that can be done about the smear campaign. When I divorced, my ex-husband went on a smear campaign like no other.

I was warned before I left that usually the person who ends the marriage gets blamed, although they likely were not the cause of the divorce. I know it takes two, but when only one is putting effort into the marriage it can’t be fixed. I was prepared for being blamed and accepted it.

I was also told that when you explain yourself, you accuse yourself. I felt like I needed to explain why I left at first, but it does no good. People believe what they want to believe and even when shown the truth, they may still turn a blind eye to it. It makes interesting gossip.

In time the truth will be apparent to your true friends. If not, they were not true friends. My 14 year marriage fell apart slowly, and I’m proud of the effort I put into it. I stayed much longer than others would have and had many reasons for leaving. The most serious issues would affect my children’s future in very negative ways if I stayed.

I left in 2006 and have never regretted it. I lost many friends due to the smear campaign, and I don’t miss them at all.

My kids are doing awesome. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had kept them in the environment of my marriage they wouldn’t be doing so well. I have received numerous compliments from professionals on what a good job I have done raising my kids. Every one of those compliments tells me I did the right thing leaving. I have more confidence now in myself and my decisions than ever before in my life. If you talk to my ex-friends who judged me when I left my marriage they are probably still judging me. The success of me and my kids is my best revenge, and I have no room for those people in my life.

My only regret is that I did such a crappy job choosing friends in the past, because almost all of them defected when I divorced. I don’t have a lot of friends now, but the ones I do have are true friends, which means so much more.

My advice would be to let it play out. It takes time, but the people who are worth having in your life will eventually see the truth. As I said, if they don’t, they aren’t your friends. Be glad they’re gone.

You always have people here on Lovefraud who truly understand and will be here to talk to.

Kathleen

I agree with you IAfraud. The smear campaign is so damaging to your fragile emotions. Even though I was the victim I agreed to accept half the responsibility for the break up. I shouldn’t have done in retrospect. He slandered me so much saying I ‘threw him out for someone else.’ In fact he wore me down until I didn’t know who I was. He told people I ‘was already living with another man’ only days after I ‘threw him out.’ It’s 2 and a half years since he left and I can’t even think of going on a date with any man because of the trust issue regarding who is and who isn’t a sociopath. He wanted to know all about me but he had a secret life with up to 5 lovers at any one time. As each one left she was replaced with another until she left………….

HopingToHeal

I’m so sorry Kathleen . You didn’t deserve that treatment

Kathleen

Thanks HopingToHeal. I don’t think any of us deserve these evil people. At least we have Donna’s great site for support from fellow sufferers. NO CONTACT is all I can think of to advise people. Even though I’ve done 3 months of NO CONTACT and I saw him again I know I would be drawn into his lies and ‘caring’ for him to abuse me in private, so it really is the only way. Never ever see your abuser again and feel free and at peace even if you’ve wasted time and all your money on them

HanaleiMoon

HopingToHeal, I love what you’ve said about windows of opportunity! Over the course of a 7 year relationship, mine cut me off regularly (from once to several times a year, now I know depending on his desire to be with others). These times lasted from a few days to a few weeks, and always ended with him love bombing me back in. Once, the discard was very ugly and lasted several months and just as I was feeling glad to be away from him, I swear he smelled it and came back into my life. How I wish I had taken advantage of this opportunity and stayed no contact! After the initial love bombing, he entered into a very weird and scary phase and for the first time I was afraid of him, not just thinking he was an ass…I left town for a week and came back determined that I was done with him. The love bombing was so exhausting (of course, I didn’t know what it was then and had no idea about the disorder) that after a few weeks, I cautiously let him in. In a short time, we were back on “track” and followed through with our dream of buying a retirement home in another state. I’ve written about it here…I gave up everything for this dream, family, friends, career, financial security and within a few months he discarded me without ever moving. It has taken me three years of complete focus on keeping my head above water to carry the house and it has recently sold and I have moved on free of the financial ties to him. I was sickened to see how deep he had taken the cognitive dissonace with me when I found journal entries on my ipad that I had forgotten I had ever made, months before we bought the house, writing about how miserable I was with him.

Initially, I turned to my “friends” (none of which were close to him) and his family for support, and although I needed someone, anyone, I would never advise this route for all the reasons in the initial article. Except for the initial feeling of having support, there was none to be found there and without exception, NOT ONE of these people have remained in my life, for various reasons. Along with being emotionally and financially devastating, this has been the most lonely time I have ever had in my life. I’ve weathered it, and made a few new, and good, friends. I have hopes for the future, although I can’t imagine ever getting close to a man again. Maybe I will meet someone who will change that thinking, but for now, it doesn’t seem possible.

The one thing that I did do after the final discard was go no contact instinctively, since I didn’t learn about this disorder until several months later and found that he fit the profile as if he had a guidebook. I also learned that he had behaved in the same manner with other women. He is now married. God help her.

The education provided her is a lifesaver. Our lives are a gift and every day is a miracle…that is the way I lived my life before he came into it. Now that I’m out of the bare bones survival mode, I have had time to see how this experience has changed me. I hate that, but I know that something good can come out of it. One minute at a time.

HopingToHeal

HanaleiMoon,

One minute at a time is the only way I can do it! Don’t beat yourself up that he was able to sucker you in over and over. They do it to all of us. That’s what they live for! To control us emotionally. It’s a terrible thing!

I’m so glad that you have been able to get past the very worst of it. Your story is heartbreaking. And while it may just look like letters typed on a page to some, the LF family understands that every moment, every breath during the time of your abuse and recovery has been so painful. And I believe we all grieve for each other…because we can relate. In some way or another, we’ve all lived with the same person.

Stay strong, my sister survivor. Hugs!

kaya48

Hoping to heal
You are so right about “fear of the unknown paralyzed us”. That is exactly what kept me in this 20 plus years marriage. It was the fear of being on my own, leaving him, the unknown future. Once I found my faith in God, when I was baptized and I declared my faith in him. That is when “everything ” happened at once. My soon to be ex was caught in his affairs and he had no other choice, he had to leave. I know that God took him away so I can have peace in my life. My soon to be ex was an atheist. How could he handle being in the same house with me? After committing sin after sin, he had to exit.
I wish I would have prepared better financially and emotionally for that day. I was just in shock how someone can put his wedding band on the counter with a “I am out if here” statement. Just like that. The day I signed my petition for divorce is still one of the best days of my life. I left my attorneys office with a smile on my face and I felt this incredible power of strength inside of me. Finally after 20 years I stood up for myself and for my son. Enough of this b/s.
They were not able to serve him divorce papers for a few weeks as he was on a cruise with the mistress/co worker. But the day he returned he received the papers. That last little control I took away from him. He wanted to be the one to serve me with papers.
I still remember his email “do you think I am coming back home by you serving me with divorce papers?” He was so vain and arrogant that he actually believed my son and I wanted him back. I don’t know how much clearer I could make it. He got divorce papers and thought it was a way for me to beg him to come home ? This is how distorted their minds work. Unbelievable.
Thanks for all your advise here.

HopingToHeal

My husband told the marriage counselor last week that he was in a relationship with someone else, then in the same session said he didn’t want a divorce and that he loves me and there is hope for us. And as we left that heart wrenching session, he casually asked me to lunch and chit chatted about nothing the entire meal.

Bizarre. Thank goodness I see him for who he is. His drama is tiresome.

Your story is so much like mine. It’s helpful to read that you see the same things I see. 🙂

Stargazer

I was very lucky in my situation with the sociopath. I only dated him for a short time. Once I found out he was a sociopath, I exposed him to the army. By the sheer luck of the draw, his platoon sergeant was a woman who just so happened to have been played be a sociopath years prior. She “got it.” So did his commanding officer who suspected he had been committing fraud for a few years but had no proof until I contacted him and confirmed his suspicions. In fact, the commanding officer told me some stories about the spath’s activities that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck! We compared stories and got the whole picture of a con artist who was lying, malingering, and committing adultery. It was a huge web of deception that neither of us knew about until we compared notes! I figured the army folks would not believe my story and would not care. Not only did they believe my story but they took it very seriously. If you find the right people who believe you, it’s a Godsend.

mommymonster

this is like a script for the last 16 years of my life, after 9 years together, my husband decided to take the mask off. and for the next 4 years i held on and tried to get him into counseling with me until, one day i faced him down over his treatment of the kids and he ran off. since then i have lost my job, had my house burned and been turned out in the street, we are barely surviving homeless right now. “my public Reputation” is as a psychotic, thieving, drug trafficking child abuser. note, guess what HE’S doing? yup shacked up with a 17 year old junkie, running drugs and hiding from rape charges in another state. i am terrified of losing my kids but every time i ask a state agency for help they turn up my “record” of the things hes has reported to them. making me look like im the criminal. i wish i could make people see what a manipulative *ss he is. but hes so sweet and “hurt” he gets women wrapped around his finger. the lawyer i spoke with says that if nothing can be proved, its just talk, but its damaged my kids badly. some of my friends have realized they were manipulated but its take them over 3 years to figure it out and we are still in nightmare. im glad i found this place, i dont feel so alone now.

SociopathsSuck

oh wow, I’m so sorry. They create such destruction in our lives. 🙁 Nothing surprises me anymore….but that doesn’t make knowing so many of them are out there any easier to swallow.

HopingToHeal

Mommymonster,

Your story is so painful to read, I can’t imagine experiencing it. Reading how you are coping and loving your kids is a testimony of how really incredibly strong you are. You are facing the devil, and you are overcoming. Don’t be defined by what other people think of you, your reputation, or your situation. I can see that you know who you are, you know your love for your kids and you KNOW that you are a survivor!

Stay strong. There are lots of people on this site that are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.

Stargazer

Irish lass, I had one more thought for you. Sociopaths are not always the brightest, and usually they have a fatal flaw that gets them in the end. It is usually their arrogance in thinking they are above the law and they won’t get caught, but it could also be their vanity (bragging about their misdeeds) or their stupidity (leaving evidence lying around). Figure out what his is, and use it to your advantage. Mine liked to take a lot of pictures and post them on a website for attention. He also liked to leave me a LOT of voice mails. It was the precisely those photos and voice mails that hung him in the end.

Sociopaths operate from a certain kind of logic but they lack reality testing. That’s how they trip themselves up. You have the truth (reality) on your side. And I guarantee you are stronger than you think. It didn’t take much for me to help my ex with his own demise. He was much stupider than I thought, and it was easier than I thought. It may not be easy in your case, but it is definitely doable. There will be some loose ends you will think of that he will miss.

Sheree

Indeed an incredible gift and such a blessing to validate for me the behaviours I commenced and found to my dismay, did not do anything for me other than keep me swirling in the abyss of what not to do..sheesh! I now understand that my behaviours to make a wrong, right, served only to be a paradox to the situation I was in, serving the spath I was with more to go on with his cruel intentions. I did come to learn that I had to be careful because I had already done enough damage in my relation to self with the self-judgement and doubt.
Upon reading your book, I rejoiced to have been led to TRUTH and instantaneously I was able to let go completely. It’s been like a divine intervention for me 🙂 Now it’s all about being well and moving forward in divine purpose. What I do know is that trying to save others in relation to the spath I was with is another dynamic that has to be thought out very carefully. If it is meant it will be, the best revenge is to live well. I read your book in Februar this year and I haven’t looked back, each day I am happier and happier. I’m revitalizing in the incredible vibrations of positive energy, truly my old self is back..feeling it every moment, every minute of the day and that I am so very grateful for after ten years of dark energy that there aren’t enough words to describe…all I know is much of what consumed me has been shared through the courage of all of you that have shared with us on here. Thank you Donna for this gift, and to all of you who share on here.. with the utmost respect.
Love and kindness, Sheree

Vicki Kuper

This article is great advice, and exactly how I handled my situation when preparing to get the psychopath out of my life. I don’t know how I knew to handle it in this manner, instinct maybe, and I listened.

I quietly planned to break off the relationship for months, stressing over how I was going to accomplish it and survive. My attempts to get him to go home had been unsuccessful for a long time. I told him several times to go home and he flat out refused. The stress of sleeping next to him when I didn’t want to be with him made my body twitch. I didn’t know what to do.

I did know that something would happen that would make me realize it was time to end it, and it did. Then the smear campaign and stalking began. Many lies were told about me. Most everyone knew he was a liar, but to an extent people still fell for some of his lies. Most incredulous was the sheriff and his deputies. I’m still not sure if they fell for the lies or just used it as their excuse because they failed miserably to protect me and my children.

The above advice is priceless. Read it and take it seriously, it could save your life. Leaving a sociopath/psychopath has to be handled very cautiously if you want to survive it with your sanity, and possibly your life.

kaya48

I agree, this article is the best advise I have read. I wish I would have done things differently. It’s too late now and I have to deal with the financial aftermath of his actions. I am over the emotional ones. If you expect the sociopath will be fair and civil in the divorce, forget it. Not only do I have to deal with a narcissitic sociopath here. Additionally he is retired military and a sheriffs deputy. How worse can it get?
Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on, dealing with him and his attorney on court. Then I take a deep breath, let my attorney handle the communications. After all I survived 20 years with him and his lies, betrayals and deceits.
I truly hope the court system will see him for what he is. I hope he cannot use his “I am a deputy,I can do anything ” card. I have lost all my trust in the sheriffs department as they covered up for him and his ridiculous behavior. It’s great to know that my tax dollars go to a place where deputies can exchange nude pictures of themselves while on duty without any consequences.
As my divorce proceedings go on, I will try to remain strong and hopeful.

HopingToHeal

kaya48,

I dread the battle ahead with divorce and after. I’m sorry you still are struggling through and hope it is completed (in your favor) soon!

kaya48

Thank you Hoping to heal for your thoughts and encouragement. I am not in favor of divorces by all means but it is the only option when married to a sociopath. Even though this is a nightmare I did not regret once that I filed for divorce. I realize now that i have done everything possible to “make him better” and to save the marriage. In reality there was nothing to save, because it was all an illusion. My battle in court will continue next week. Thanks again for all your support.

overthehump

Very, very sound advice.

I was aware for quite a while before really knowing, that my ex had issues. “Demons” I used to call them. In mid 2010 I started to see major changes though, the cracks suddenly widened. He seemed to drop the ‘hard working’, ‘pillar of community’, ‘wonderful dad’ and ‘reliable husband’ facade as he we too busy – chasing skirt basically. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage and the beginning of the start of my new life, thankfully.

As soon as I became accutely aware of these sudden changes my antenna were up – constantly. I began watching, making notes, I kept a journal at work – out of his way – I called it “A series of unusual events”. It seems funny now but on the whole it was a good thing to do. There were times I wanted to shout and scream but somehow instinct told me that was not a good plan. I now know, from experience and particularly from this site, just how much of a bad idea that would have been.

I waited, watched, made notes, kept calm, waited and watched and watched again until by the following April I wasn’t sure I could stomach it any longer and by which time I had enough evidence of his affairs that he couldn’t argue and then decided on my plan.

I made the decision that I would tell him the marriage was over but offer him the opportunity to live under the same roof and share the care of the kids while still in education. I had become painfully aware that all he wanted was to stick around and have an ‘easy’ life (ie financially) so to try and take that away would mean instant war.

My plan worked, initially. He bit my hand off so to speak – I mean who wouldn’t? He’d got caught out but no divorce, no threats – he was free to do as he wanted and to stay in the comfort of our home. Win, win – woopee!

However, what I wasn’t prepared for, was just how much damage taking the control away from him would do. Because, of course, that is what I had done. I had taken control and he HATED it! He behaved very nicely that first weekend, he even started to interact with the kids again, something he hadn’t done for almost a year but then reverted very quickly back to the same behaviour.

Only he got worse. His lies continued, he stopped doing any of the work he was meant to be doing on our house and just went out, he would find any excuse to flare up at our son – because I think he viewed him a the ‘next in line’. And between May and Sept had 3 bouts of either ignoring him or him and me for several weeks at a time. Eventually both kids (who were totally unaware of our separation) separately said they wish he would go and I thought long and hard about it. While I was thinking, he had another patch with our son which ended in him assualting our son and that was that for me.

He agreed to the divorce and said he wouldn’t contest it but from that moment on fought and fought like a small, ball-fisted, angry child who’d had his favourite toy taken from him.

I am so thankful that I had a wonderful support system around me and perhaps more importantly that the kids were too big at 16 and 17 for him to influence either them or a judge/solicitor about their custody so the only thing he could fight over was money.

He caused enough damage – financially, to the tune of £30k – and emotionally – which you can’t put a value on but it could have been worse.

If I could have avoided the latter while the kids were at home, I would have done however painful for me – it was my intention – but sadly it became impossible.

Don’t EVER underestimate a sociopath. They play to win and will fight till the bitter end no matter what it costs financially or emotionally.

Approach with the greatest of care!

dorothy2

HA! (not that it’s funny) but I’ve done, or come very close to doing but not to the extreme in the examples, almost everything on this list.
Great article Donna…….if for no other reason than to show people another view of how these monsters really are behind their masks.
I will mention again, the Investigation Discovery Channel. It has really helped me see how they operate and how thoroughly they can fool people.

Dave

Hello all,

I have bad news, unfortunately I did not listen to advice I got on here for months, and im bout to warn anybody on here if they are thinking of going back to the person what will happen to you.

Most of you know mine got a bogus CPO on me, well a few weeks ago I moved back to her city to be closer to my kids. I was actively trying to get my family back together, while she continued to blame me for everything and give me the cold shoulder. When she found out I was coming back to town, she began to lighten up just a bit, I made plans to get my kids on a Friday after school to take them to the park, me and her had plans to meet up in public afterwards to eat. She texted me and offered for me to come to the house and just grill out ribs, and I stupidly accepted. Sigh, everyone that knows me practically cussed me out after all this.

I went over there, and as expected for an hour she proceeded to tell me how it was all my fault, I didn’t argue, but I did defend myself a bit at times, at one point she even said “the only thing you have never disappointed me at was in the bedroom” When I was done grilling I came in with the food and she grabbed me and started getting hot n heavy for a second before we ate, needless to say I spent the night and we had sex while she layed there telling me how much she missed this ect ect…we had sex 2 more times and I left sat afternoon, she invited me back that night.

Now it gets interesting, we put the kids to bed, I suggested a shower together she agreed, we get out and I gave her a back rub for quite some time and engaged in extra activities, then when we started to have sex she just layed there almost dead, I asked what was wrong she said she was tired and just pushed me off of her. I was upset because I felt she led me on, and of course it got blown back on me. The next day was so so, she kept saying I would never live in that house again, we would only live together if we went and bought a house together, and that shes not dropping the 2 year CPO to which I said I cant keep coming over here if your not going to drop it. She also said I needed to go get my own place for a year or two and stand on my own feet (trying to make me feel like ive been a loser and don’t know how to take care of myself) Now for the bad part (as if this wasn’t bad enough)

That night she demanded I leave after an argument to which I was going to leave but I said wait, I want to squash some of this argument, don’t want to leave on bad terms, the kids were so happy to have me in the house, they missed me, and had told me mom was not spending much time with them anymore. Well she called the cops and I thought she was bluffing, but they showed up and arrested me right in front of the kids, the cop later told me that while in private she told him she didn’t want me arrested just to make me leave. Well I bonded out and went to court and guess what, she had given the prosecutor multiple emails where I had broken the order!!!! Now I cannot talk to the kids unless she contacts me and puts them directly on which of course has not happened, she has made no contact in 16 days, and the prosecutor now thinks something may be wrong with me upstairs and is refusing to give me a plea deal until I go to a domestic violence counselor and have an assessment done (which I have to pay for) that is right folks, the crazy spath has convinced her friends/family/the courts that I am nuts and violent.

For the love of all that’s holy, any of you on here still having feelings and wanting the person back DONT!!!! Run for the hills, better to be a hermit than be with one of these monsters. Now I have another charge on that old record of mine, haven’t spoke with my children in over 2 weeks, court is not over yet, a good friend of mine will not speak with me until she knows I have been away from that woman for a year, in the meantime the spath recently got to quit her day job to run that company full time that I helped build while I sit here still with a car she ran in the ground that’s not completely fixed, having problems finding a job and now my child support is 1 month behind. They will do more than ruin you financially emotionally, physically, ruin your record, self esteem, turn your own friends/family on you, they will make you wish daily this was a bad dream and eventually you will wake from it, they know you think all day everyday about this and they love it, they know the hurt they caused and care not, only to blame you for it. Sorry to all on here that I did not heed the advice I so often got.

Dave

Kathleen

Exactly the same thing happened to me last year. He ‘needed some paperwork’ from me so I agreed to meet in public. I texted I was in the café waiting and he replied he would try to get there despite feeling so ill. He arrived and told me his friend complained ‘why wouldn’t she come to your house?’ I believed him, but now I know he made that up to get me to his house. I saw him for 6 months out of the public eye and you know how that goes with everything being your fault. Back to NO CONTACT feeling good and won’t fall for it again

Dave

oh and too the military guy who wrote an article.

My man your story described my 10 year relationship with my spath wife, the fake mask in front of others, my anger as to why she didn’t act like that around me, the lies about money and other men, the gas lighting and blaming me, the cold heart, the anger and outburst, her counselor was shocked because she put on a front for them, then they seen the real her just like you always did. I feel for you man, lot of bitterness and anger and resentment, and its hard to let go of.

Linette

Great article as always Donna. I have been NC since my divorce and before as much as possible. I planned it out just like you said but did tell a few very close friends who could help me. What I did with the money is on the day I left I went to the bank and withdrew half of our savings. When he did find out, he really couldn’t do anything about it. I was already gone to a safe place and his lawyer really couldn’t even claim I didn’t take a fair share.

A couple of funny things to hopefully not disrespect what ANYONE is going through but someone just posted on my facebook page, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than live with a pscho the rest of your lifeI”.

I must have done pretty well on the “acting” thing before I left. He accused me in court when the judge was hearing my case about a restraining order of having a “thespian gene”. Bahahahaha, now THAT was funny.

As for his family, his daughter actually was the one who suggested that he might be a religious sociopath. That’s how I found this site. So I guess that was different maybe than most. She is very smart and of course had lived with him most of her life. He STILL fools his ex-wife at times and all of them. They want to think he can change SO much that at times they get carried away and actually think he has…again. BTW, he STILL comes to our church but he has 0 control over me. Being the Narcissist that he is though I am sure he thinks it bothers me. He brings a new girl almost every week. I guess maybe as he gets older it’s harder to find a woman who will fall for him. I pray he never does.

LL Mequon

In general I would say this is good advice. The exception is when keeping silent may result in harm to yourself. My story is long and involved, but it involves my ex being an embezzler and tax fraud, among other things. He had tons of debt I didn’t know about, and no retirement savings of his own. (I had some.) He had not paid his self-employment taxes for over 20 years! He didn’t even have Social Security. What was his end game, if I hadn’t found out? I believe it is very likely I would have died under some mysterious circumstances, or just “disappeared” with no reasonable explanation. He would have gotten all of my retirement (instead of just half!) and my life insurance. I think the fact that I exposed him saved my life! It took away a lot of his power. While he is still causing some trouble, I believe it could have been much worse had I not outed him to EVERYONE I know. (The exception was his family-they are clueless and a couple are like him.)

Just something to think about…

welshponies

Again you have described the Spath and their families to a T!! When I finally figured out what he was, not just what he did, he split. Amazingly, I earned over $600,000 during the course of the 9 years and he only earned $165,000. I only found out after he split that the reason he couldn’t keep a job is that he let ALL of his Financial Advisor Licenses expire beginning less than a year after our marriage. His only Financial Plan was to bleed me dry then collect off the retirement I spent 30+ years earning, and Social Security for the rest of his life.

LL Mequon

Welshponies,

This really resonates with me. My spath was a CPA–I realized he had let his license expire several times over the years! Ironically, since the divorce he has been DILIGENT about keeping things like that up. Probably getting in shape for a new con. But it is true what Donna says above. My spath is still playing tennis at a club I believe he embezzled from! I told them ( many were–I thought!–friends of mine, and I felt so bad when I found out about him.) He wreaked financial havoc on them while he was their accountant, but he is STILL PLAYING TENNIS THERE! Testament to their ability to fool and manipulate.
Regardless, I out him whenever I can. I try to protect as many future victims as possible. Of course, it does hello that I actually found evidence of his financial crimes–otherwise he would sue me!

kaya48

I agree LLmeqoin,
I, too, would have “disappeared” under some mysterious circumstances had I not exposed him in his lies and affairs. I know he was “happy ” when my blood pressure was high caused by him upsetting me. I am sure a stroke or heart attack would have been a convenient way for him not to go through divorce proceedings. And also portraying a “caring “” father to my son. It would have been so easy for him to cover up my “disappearance” being a deputy. I am sure his sheriffs department would have helped him doing this. He is a highly “respected” officer of the law. Additionally he has such high standards of morales. (Yes, even taking nude pictures of himself and the co worker deputy while on duty would not discredit that ) So far all of his evil plans to “dispose” of me have failed. The mentally ill card to have me locked away did not work. After all the psychiatrist could see right through him and was disgusted by him wasting time that could have been used on someone who really needed help. The restraining order he put against me (conveniently in the county where he is a deputy and I never set foot into) was dismissed by the judge . He also looked right through him and made him look like an idiot in court. How can a 6 foot 2 police officer, retired army, be in iminant danger of his middle aged housewife who he left for for the deputy co worker girl?
In retrospect I have to laugh about all this now. It just shows you how manipulative they are. I will never have any contact with him again. Other than in court he will not get any words out of my mouth. He would twist it anyhow to his advantage. Because you are right, his ultimate goal was to have me of this earth. He will not succeed.

salvation2012

Mine chose rage. I didn’t realize at the time I was putting myself in more danger by standing up for myself” in an instant I removed any control he perceived he had over me and he lost it” and I nearly lost my life. Then, 2 days later he told a friend at the gym he was waiting for me to come home and apologize. My friend looked at him and said “dude, she can barely walk.” His response” “oh, so she can walk.” Friend said” “thats what you get from this conversation?” As stated in your article, I knew then that I had to sever ties with these friends who had continued contact with him” they were my life source when I was in that state” when I moved I felt like I had nobody to turn to, bc I had to cut all ties” and family and friends in my home state did not understand fully what I had gone through”

Thank you for this article…

kaya48

Wow that us unbelievable. You are lucky you survived. I never realized in how much danger I was until he became a deputy and started his “evil plan” against me. I might lose all material assets in this divorce and when people say “too bad you lost everything “, they are wrong. I have everything and that is my life and my health. What good is a mansion and money when I am 6 foot under?
And someone posted they do make mistakes and get sloppy. That is so true. In my situation the mistress posted photos of their romantic cruise on social websites. She is a deputy also and should know that all this is admissible in court to prove wasting of marital assets. I guess he is a complete loser. His brain is occupied by sex and power. No room for rational thinking.
I am sure glad I am not a part of his perverted world anymore. He can have all of his little “minions” to keep him happy.

Moving On

too late, made all these mistakes. I don’t suppose you can put this article right on the main page for others to see as one of the first articles? Thanks!

elizabethbrooks

This is GREAT advice. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize mine was a sociopath until the day after I ended the marriage. The biggest thing I could have done, was to hire a computer expert to go in and mirror the computers at our company office, and my ex’s personal one. At that time, I had full rights and access to those computers. This would have saved me a $140,000+ legal battle. We are now getting that done, after 2 years of hard legal work. PLEASE CONSIDER this, if you are in such a situation. Thankfully, I’ve been able to share this with 2 other friends, saving them such trouble. An expert named Derek Ellington in Raleigh NC is qualified to do this, and he might be able to refer a specialist to you. He also travels to do it. He has extensive experience in this. Even cleaned/erased hard drives still retain all info, and he can get it.

Moving On

Even if you know the.they are a sociopath, they seem to manage being one step ahead of you. Even if you warn lawyers, they just roll their eyes at you and when things happen, they never connect the dots. hmmm
ONly God can take these people down it seems

HanaleiMoon

It does seem that way. I was fortunate enough to find a therapist who completely understood (and saved my sanity) and a lawyer that understood enough to be able to guide me to act in my best interest, even if it meant walking away from what was rightly mine. I am so thankful that I found these two women.

In my situation, it DOES seem that nothing will take him down. I know that he did the same to his first two wives and similar to at least some of the women I know about that he was messing with when he was with me. I know what happened at his last place of employment and based on his checkered career history, suspect that similar things might have happened in the past. ALL of it is just a hair within the law, or if illegal, he was able to pawn the responsibility off on others. None of this has cost him a dime, or the slightest impact to his lifestyle.

One step ahead of you is right. With everything I have, my primary goal at this point is to ensure that no further harm comes to me. Period.

kaya48

You are right, they are always one step ahead if you. Fortunately my lawyer told me that my husband is a sociopath after the court hearing for the restraining order. My therapist and marriage counselor already told me the same. I am not sure about the judge assigned to my divorce. Only time will tell. Yes, the no contact is the absolute life saver. Ignoring him cones so easy to me now. I had to break this addiction but I managed to do it. It’s going to be very difficult to ever trust a man again. For now I am happy being on my own. Those are the long lasting affects and it is a shame what they put us through. One day though they will have to answer to the highest power and it won’t be pretty.
One day at a time. That’s how I keep going. I have my pets, my wonderful son and my sanity and peace. That’s more than I ever asked for.

You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. YES!!
You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional. YES! YES!

Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is. YES! YES! YES!

You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud. YES YES YES YES!

I experienced all of the above and tho it was quite a number of years ago now so I can’t recall for sure, I imagine I landed here by Googling these terms.

I was already in the process of divorce by the time I got here, and had come to understand my ex was a sex addict, but I do believe there was more to it. Not all sex addicts are Sociopaths – many recover and have fulfilling lives and relationships. I lost a lot by divorcing him after 30 years of marriage – but as someone else said here, I got away with all the most important things: my life, my health, my sanity, and now a healed heart as well.

I agree that this should be displayed in the front pages of this website. Thank you for sharing!

kaya48

Hoping to heal
That’s crazy. It brings me back to my marriage counseling sessions. He claimed he was “stupid” to exchange nude pictures with her and had no explanation for this crazy behavior. I did not know that they were still engaged in an affair. Everyone at his work knew. That makes it even worse, when they cheat while in counseling. How can they inflict so much pain on their families? I will never understand that part.
It feels peaceful to me now not having to worry if he is lying or cheating. Because he has already done all that and he is out of my daily life. The court hearings are just business deals. One part that I sometimes think about is , will he treat her the same way, will he lie to her, yell at her, cheat on her, manipulate her? Not that I really care but just a thought.

flicka

Much easier to “out” a sociopathic mate; harder yet is coming to the realization and acceptance that everyone of one own’s 5 beloved children have likewise inherited the deadly genes. As a mother, every few years I drop the NC mandate, hoping that somehow they will “see the light”….BIG Mistake! They never will!

kalina

Please tell me more. I believe my daughter has narcissistic traits and a character disposition to manipulate and confuse in order to control and demean me. I won’t go into details, but I have told her in no uncertain terms that she is simply “self-serving” in her relationship to me. I am not sure what to do now. We haven’t spoken in 3 months. Actually, I feel relieved and interpret this to mean that I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my daughter is basically indifferent to my well being. She doesn’t steal but she probably lies. After living with a true sociopath for 29 years, I have started to heal. Something about my daughter feels very familiar to what I experienced as a wife, before my divorce. Am I over-reacting?

Thanks Flicka-

I love this blog! It keeps reminding me of what I know, but sometimes need to remember.

We’re coming up to Passover, which was always one of my favorite holidays. I got to thinking about my son and how he loved some of the holiday treats and games we used to play. I’d make him matza brie for breakfast and gave him little bags of gold foil covered chocolate coins.

I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter to try to breach the divide his BPD “splitting” has enforced for 6 years. But I realize that it would only be twisted to justify his cruel behavior. Having a morally disordered kid is especially difficult around holidays.

Thanks for reminding me of the downside of reaching out.

Kalina-

Sounds like your daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder. At the core is a basic lack of affective empathy. Since her father is a sociopath, having a pre-disposition to a lack of affective empathy is not uncommon.

As they mature, kids with this type of disorder “split”. One minute, (when it serves their interest,) you’re their best buddy. The next minute, you’re that tyrannical crazy person who they can’t stand and never want to see again, ever, no NEVER!”

When my son split, he told me point blank, “Now that I’m independent, what do I need you for.” That’s their mindset. Everyone in their life is to be used or cast aside if you no longer serve their purpose.

Morally intact kids grow up appreciating the heavy lifting you did to raise them. Morally disordered kids have no sense of cause and effect, and no real bond. Their “love” is only superficial. It comes and goes with their needs.

If this sums up the character of your daughter….. BPD.

In a very perverse way, concern over abandonment colors their relationships. They will frequently act out toward the parent that loves them unconditionally because they know your love for them will never die. That makes you expendable. The parent that would leave them flat and walk out in a heartbeat is sought after. So if she’s leaving you, take heart, its because she knows you love her unconditionally.

My best-
Joyce

kalina

Joyce, I can not thank you enough for your thoughtful and engaging response to me. Yes, you make so much sense. BPD, is what it looks like. Life is too short for me to continue down this Borderline path of “no return”. I have been there and done that. I am planning an exit, quietly of course, from playing any role of significance in her life. Thank you for your clarity. My intuition was correct, No real empathy for me. Now I can say, “so what!”. I won’t miss from her what she never gave me. Kalina

Kalina-

What we miss is not who they are, but the “family” they could have been. It’s painful to let that go.

My heart goes out to you!

Joyce

kmillercats

Joyce

I just got done with your book. Wow! I don’t have children and didn’t marry a sociopath. Just got involved with one for 6 yrs. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you and the rest who have disordered children. Especially if it’s your only one. I wanted children and if I had had only one and that happened well… I salute all of you who have survived having a disordered child.

kmillercats-

Thanks for your support!

As I look back on what happened in my life, I can see that if I’d walked away before my son was born, my life would have been very different. As hard as it is to deal with the debilitating issues of emotional predators, it’s a less complicated track toward healing if children are not involved.

If I can get one thing across in my book, it’s to get out while you can, BEFORE that person becomes a part of your forever family by virtue of the shared genetics of bringing his child into the world. It complicates the problems exponentially!

It would be a tremendous benefit toward getting the message across if you could post an honest review on Amazon.

Sincerest thanks!
Joyce

This is one of the first and truly accurate posts about the families of psychopaths. I was “gang attacked” by so many as they wanted me to repay swindles by my ex. It took me years to recognize that they always knew about my ex and kept it a secret, hoping someone would take him off their hands…and partially because the victim-invalid mother is also one, I believe. The most unpleasant ordeal for me was having his female therapist be manipulated by him. Excellent article, Donna…thank you.

lifeisgood2013

Agreed BeckyR! It took a couple of years for me to recognize and accept that the parents/brother of my ex were in fact the exact opposite of what they pretended to be to me for 13 years. Talk about cognitive dissonance and in many respects, healing from the wounds the family caused was as bad as healing from the relationship itself.

It meant nothing to me at the time (other than affection towards me) when the brother said to me on at least 2 occassions – “I’m so glad you’re taking care of ___________”. Another lesson in the importance of paying attention to spoken words!

kalina

When a therapist blind sides you, it is doubly humiliating.

I_survived_The_Bastard

After 10 years in a relationship with my ‘path (although I didn’t know he was one at the time) I had finally plucked up courage to end it and told him I wanted a separation. He was stunned. I agreed he could stay for a while, while he found some where else to stay. He didn’t see why he should be the one to sleep on other peoples’ floors/sofas even though the flat was in my name not his (thank goodness).

Things became very uncomfortable for me as he was still behaving as though we were in a relationship by trying to hug me etc, but by this time I couldn’t bear the sight of him or couldn’t bear him touching me etc.

He went to stay for a few days with a friend and was supposed to be looking for a job. That night she rang me really terrified. He had got drunk and had threatened to kill her. I was horrified. This was the tipping point for me. I made the decision that he had to go whether he had found a flat & job or not and I started packing all his stuff into suitcases and bin bags. I spoke to the police who were next to useless, telling me that because he had lived there over 1 year he had right of entry to ‘his home’, even if I was in danger.

I went to see a solicitor. I don’t know if this solicitor had had experience of ‘paths, or maybe violent spouses, but his advice was really good. The ‘path was due to come back in the next couple of days, so the solicitor wrote a letter giving the ‘path 2 days notice to move out. The letter was posted so that it would arrive when the ‘path got back.

I was at work when the phone started going. I ignored it. My mobile went. I ignored it. I was really scared so I rang the solicitor and he advised not responding (NO CONTACT). Emails came through, saying I couldn’t have this and I couldn’t have that etc etc. The No Contact was obviously making him very angry.

After the 2 days I went with a friend to the flat. We were really scared and when I opened the door and heard music I thought we had a fight on our hands, but when we went in he wasn’t there.

I was lucky. By chance I made all the right moves. I went no contact because of what the solicitor had advised. I didn’t tell my friends (particularly the friend he was staying with), not because I didn’t trust them, but more for their safety. I knew he was going to be extraordinarily angry and what they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them.

Basically I would agree with advice that has been given here. Keep your plans to yourself, make sure you have money put aside that only you can access. Keep your passport safe. etc etc. Remember that once you make your move you will become the ‘bitch (or bastard) from hell’. But you will be free of them.

kalina

Joyce, morally disordered is an accurate description of what I feel when I am with these narcissistic personalities. So well put and so simple to apply. Being true to ourselves is about our moral integrity. It is sad to admit that what we imagined would be a “good and moral” family life could become a moral nightmare.

Perfectly describes my situation as well, kalina.

kalina

In what way is my experience similar? I like to learn how others work through their grief and guilt when it comes to our “morally disordered ” children. How much is it really about our so called “culture of narcissism”? Thank you for sharing. Kalina

I_Survived-

I sure hope you changed the locks!! 😉

All the best-
Joyce

I_survived_The_Bastard

Of course lol It was the first thing we did after we went into the flat, apart from get cross about the state he’d left the place in. The heating had been left on, music playing, uneaten food all over the work top and stuff that I’d packed for him to take, unpacked and left all over the floor. The place was a tip.

So after the locksmith had gone, we started clearing up a bit, throwing everything in to rubbish bags. Although I cleared the bulk of it, over the next few months I kept finding odd bits and pieces all over the place.

About a month later I was at my friend’s house (the friend who he’d threatened to kill – a mutual friend). I picked up the phone as she was out and it was him! He asked me why I’d thrown him out. I told him that he’d threatened the friend and he denied it. Now I don’t know about you but when a friend rings you at 1am terrified saying someone’s threatened to kill them and that person is drunk, who would you believe? The terrified person or the drunk (path )? lol

That was the last time I spoke to him. A while later I discovered by chance that everything he’d ever told me had been a lie and of course my world fell to pieces. I was having therapy etc. It was my therapist who told me he was a psychopath.

A while after that I was able to get a sort of revenge on him, which made me very happy and him very mad lol. In one of the clearing up bouts I found a bank statement of his showing that at the start of 1 particular month he had £1200 in his account, by the end of that month it was all gone and I, who had been struggling to pay the rent, bills etc, hadn’t seen a penny of it.

I was furious, as you can imagine. I’d been receiving debt collection letters for him, but had been sending these letters back to sender saying he no longer lived at the address. This time I opened one of them up and rang them. I explained that I wasn’t the person concerned, but if the company wanted I had his new address. They of course said yes they wanted it. I also asked if they wanted all the aliases I had discovered in my search into his past. They again said Yes please, and ‘he certainly is giving us the run around isn’t he’.

I heard on the grapevine (via the mutual friend who was more my friend now after what had happened) that he and his new girlfriend had had the baliffs come round with the police and he and his new girlfriend had been arrested. I was now apparently the ‘bitch from hell’.

This Bitch from Hell was very, very happy to have been able to get one over on him. It made me feel soooooo much better.

kalina

The truth comes in spurts and pieces. The whole, integration, has it’s own timeline. This site facilitates the healing process because it’s based on empathy and genuine mind-full-ness. To all who participate, my heartfelt thanks for your support. Kalina

kaya48

Oh yes, the truth comes in spurts. To this day I keep finding evidence and lies. Just looking through his bank statements which came up in court, I am astonished why I believed all his lies. His reason for leaving was “that I am mentally ill”. The minute he left he took her to some fancy restaurant by the ocean here. The day after, he bought her jewelry, a months after they went on a cruise. He needed to blame me for justifying his affair. The fact that he told my teenage son that “his mom was real crazy and mentally unstable ” still hurts to this day. That he would steep that low to involve his only child in this mess, is just unacceptable. His plan was to have me locked away in a mental institution or in jail.
He never realized that these accusations would have consequences. His son wants absolute no contact with him, he is not interested in his life and definitely lost all respect for his “father “. He is 19 now. Will that ever change ? Probably not because my soon to be ex is a cowardly loser. He will never gain the love of his only child back because he destroyed it all to begin with.
My son and I both laugh about how pathetic this man became. He stopped paying his sons college tuition and then asks in an email “how is school”? Of course there is no answer, he will never get a reply out of us. If he has any issues, he can tell my attorney. Because the attorney knows that he is dealing with a sociopath and won’t tolerate his insults.
My advise is that anyone going through a divorce from a sociopath. “Be careful who you choose as counsel, I am glad I chose a criminal defense/family lawyer. I just don’t know what he accuses me of next and I need to be prepared for the worst. ” I also wanted an aggressive, male attorney. Someone who can put him in his place and not be weak and intimated by his “so handsome” looks. Because he thinks he is Gods gift to women, they call him captain America at his work. Him choosing a female attorney is just one of his little games.
My court battle will continue in a few days. As always I rely on my faith to remain strong along with all the support on here. Thank you. 🙂

HanaleiMoon

You make an excellent point, kaya, about choosing your attorney wisely. Mine was an older woman who looked like she drank whisky and chewed nails regularly, but my mistake was choosing a female real estate agent to handle the sale of our jointly owned property. I was up front with her about him and the situation and thought (lol) I was covered. Not so. Even though he was in another state and they never met, she became supportive of him almost immediately and was constantly calling him to “update” him. I’m sure he told her that I was unstable and on medication (a lie). My attorney (bless her) pointed out that I had made a mistake in not hiring a male agent and that my ex was (bleeping) her over the phone. When the listing expired I hired a man and it was all business.

Every service provider my ex had was a woman…doctor, dentist, insurance agent, etc. During a “break”, he purchased some extravagant new furniture for his house and I later found out that the saleswoman had come to his house repeatedly to “assist” him in selecting the right pieces. Uh huh.

LL Mequon

Wow, Kaya. This is so similar to my story–right down to my ex stopping paying my son’s tuition! And he also doesn’t understand why my son doesn’t have a relationship with him anymore. And when you mentioned continuing to find things out: I just found out that in addition to being a porn addict, embezzler and tax fraud, my ex is a compulsive gambler, as well!

He has definitely spiraled the last few years, but I can’t understand why I didn’t pick up on some of the behaviors earlier. I get the dynamic, but still feel bad that I could be so manipulated.

kaya48

How interesting. My soon to be ex was exactly the same. While he was attending some college, all of his “study friends” were young females. Like yours all of his “service ” people were women. Even when he was in the army for 20 plus years, he socialized with female soldiers. I guess that’s why his attorney is a woman.
With my realtor I chose a couple. The lady talks to me and the husband to him. This way there is no direct talking at all since we have no contact. At first I was disappointed that the assigned family judge is a man but maybe it is a good thing. He also claimed that he is “so good looking” I owe him that he married me. Yuck. Thinking back now it makes me sick to my stomach.
I used to get so “jealous” when his female “followers” would text him. I am glad that he is a “free” man for them now. Because I sure don’t want him back. He is 46 now and at one time in his life his female narcissistic supply will decrease. Maybe then he wished he had his family back? It will be too late then because this is what he chose now. How sad is a life like that?

HanaleiMoon

My ex is now 58, and to my knowledge, there has always been abundant supply for him. He got married in short order after he discarded me, I’m sure to make a public display that there was nothing wrong with him and that the end of our 7 year relationship was my fault. While we were never married, we did own a house together until about 6 weeks ago and either she never knew or she didn’t care/didn’t know the truth. I think she is around his age and if he was true to form, he had her convinced he was her dream man and at her age, she had won the lottery by finding him.

After the discard, I found out that he had been “dating” multiple women at his job throughout our whole relationship, some his age, some much, much younger. I’m sure their were others from outside the job. I asked one of the women from his job (as I had worked their previously myself) how, if as she said, it was general knowledge that he was “dating” around the office and stories of his antics had circulated, women continued to be interested in him. She said it was a mystery to her but that he seemed to be impossible to resist.

Ugh! Mine used to tell me I was lucky to have such a handsome man with such amazing sexual prowess (I’m paraphrasing) and constantly remind me that the “wannabes” (his word) were waiting in the wings to take my place should I not be grateful for my good fortune.

It’s disgusting. I don’t think they are capable of wishing they had their families back unless they have a reason to use them. I know mine used his children as weapons during his divorce from their mom and he treated them as afterthoughts as adults during the time I was around. He always had to throw his own birthday/Farther’s day barbeques and entice them to come with free food and booze. They know what he is but use him for their own gain as necessary.

I’m so glad I am free of that drama in my life.

OpalRose

This blog is so amazing – so much sharing and advice and information. I am looking for an attorney starting today and have found a few who specialize in my particular work situation. I am moving forward with butterflies in my stomach and feeling a bit disoriented.

I have proof of most of his antics – they are dark so I will not list them here. I have been printing out his e-mails and photographing his phone texts. I feel like I’m in an episode of Mission Impossible and trying to keep my cool around him. He is really busy right now – more than usual – and a bit pushy with me – more than usual. Yuck.

My state requires a 1-year separation prior to a dissolution or no-fault divorce. He could do so much damage in 1 year. So I may need to have a for cause divorce, but that could get messy since I have proof of illegal activities and I would NOT be safe. I could take early retirement but I need permission to do that with my work situation. So I have a lot to talk about with an attorney.

I am visiting an out of state aunt in a couple of weeks and I know I could live with her if need be. I will never tell her my situation but she is far enough away that I would be completely safe. I have pets I need to protect so I will need to be very careful how I leave. This is all so nerve wracking while staying calm at home and at work.

There is NO ONE I can talk to about this safely around here. So I hope you know how much the help, advice, posting here means to me.

HopingToHeal

OpalRose,

Good luck with your plan. You are wise to limit what you say for your own safety. I hope you are able to move to a more peaceful place soon.

I am in a similar situation and only a few know what I know. However, i do have copies of all incriminating info and have retained several attorneys to hold the information for safe keeping or to be distributed should something happen to me. Two of the attorneys are out of my current state. I have entrusted several professionals as well. I have completely excluded my family and friends from any knowledge of the activities of my Spath and will not risk them in any way. Please be careful,

kaya48

Hoping to heal
You are so right. You have to be very careful. When I exposed him and threatens to turn in the evidence to “his” sheriffs dept, that’s the night he tried to have me arrested torn being “mentally ill”. Thinking back I would have done things differently. So be very cautious because they don’t have any regards for life. No empathy and no compassion equals evil.

kalina

Joyce, I would like some more clarity. My daughter, BPD, for sure, does not like me. I am probably too “straight” for her. I like to learn, don’t date, love my friends and family, am retired and have achieved much security and well being since my divorce from her, for certain, sociopathic father. Is it too harsh for me to just let her go? I have no energy, although I am well, for “crazies” in my life. I feel like I can sever our uncomfortable, pseudo-mother- daughter relationship, easily. I do not want to be cruel or unsympathetic, however. Thanks for your concern. Gratefully, Kalina.

Kalina-

Kids with BPD “split” of their own volition when they don’t get what they want from you. Their concept is that you cease having value, except that their departure will cause you pain. That in itself, makes splitting worthwhile for them.

Sounds like your daughter has yet to reach a point at which she is totally independent in her own mind.

My best recommendation to you is that you set and maintain boundaries that you can live with as far as she’s concerned. I never turned my back on my son. Nor would I. He simply realized that I was not going to put up with his s-it, and he left on his own accord. I had to tolerate his outrageous behavior while he needed a roof over his head. Once he no longer did, I made him aware that his abusiveness had gone too far and I would no longer tolerate it. When you tell a child who can’t deal with shame that their behavior was unacceptable, you become the villain in their perception. There is no cause and effect in their awareness of relationships.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t know about how BPDs look at the world, and his departure was a blow thtruly weakly stripped the breath from my life. Despite his behavior issues, I adored my son. It took me a few years of non-stop agony, and writing my book, to put the peices together. I can only hope that my experience can help another parent who encounters similar behavior from feeling devastated the way I felt.

BPD kids are self-serving and uncaring. Will turning your back help? Of corse not, but neither will allowing yourself to be victimized. It’s one thing to go no-contact with a husband or lover who harmed you. It’s quite another when it’s your own flesh and blood, the baby who suckled at your breast and who you’d lay down your life for.

Set clear boundaries and don’t blame yourself if she turns away. You have every right to protect yourself from harm. You may want to locate a family therapist who treats BPD, if she is amenable to participate. As long as she wants a relationship with you, I would do everything possible to get professional guidance. Once she turns away, there is no hope of changing her path.

Wishing you the best-
Joyce

kalina

Joyce,

So much insight and wisdom for me to process. I believe I have asked the meaningful questions. Now to consider my boundaries. Not too open and not too distant. Frankly, I believe she has already cut me out of her life. I promised her 8,000 dollars toward her wedding. At first, it was 5,000 dollars. I uped it to 8. Then I get a call, it is not enough. She has threatened to elope and has alarmed her father. I am not alarmed. Even though I might afford more, in my heart, she would not appreciate my gesture. Attitude of entitlement, wouldn’t you agree! I am sad for her. We could have had it all. Now, we’ll have nothing. Thank you for taking the time to clarify what having BPD means to my daughter and to me. It has been 4 months now. Finally, I have clarity! Regards and best wishes, Kalina.

kalina

Joyce, I would like to add that my daughter has been seeing a therapist. A few years now. She likes her therapist. Frankly, since seeing her therapist, I have been labeled, “a toxic mom”. That has become my role. In this case I am anything but domineering, or stingy. I have a relationship with my younger son that is truly heaven sent. He is kind, loving, generous, a wonderful father and loving husband. I have considered just letting in the fresh air and the negativity can go right to he–. Thank you for listening and sharing. My best regards, Kalina

kaya48

Opal Rose,
Wishing you strength in moving forward. I live in a “no fault” state, no separation required. But what I learned is that even in a “no fault” state adultery still matters when it comes to spousal support, visitation and distribution of marital assets. Judges are human and they do notice if there was adultery or abuse committed. So it’s very wise to document everything. Good luck.

OpalRose

kaya48 – thank you so much. I’ve been reading your posts and they resonate with me. My husband is a licensed professional with a sense of entitlement and a network of buddies who cover for him. He is 60 years old and still trolling constantly. He usually has to pay for his activities now. When you said yours is 46 years old, I can identify with that. His future is bleak although he will never see it that way – they just don’t get it.

Very best wishes to you as well.

kaya48

Opal Rose,
Wow 60 and still trolling. ….I am glad I put an end to it then. I am 48 years old now and I could not imagine doing another 10 or 20 years with him. You are absolutely right. They don’t realize what they have done and they will never miss their families.
Him being a deputy makes everything more difficult. As he thinks he is entitled to “special” treatment. Like when he called his cop friends to try to have me arrested for being “mentally ill”, things like that. I am a believer and I am suppose to forgive. But there is no way I will ever forgive him what he put me through. And I hope god will understand.
I will keep posting of my progress (hopefully positive) in divorce court. This website literally saved my life by teaching me the no contact. So thanks from the bottom of my heart to everyone.

Divorced from Gaslighter

Somebody above suggested feigning chronic fatigue syndrome up until the soon-to-be-ex husband moves out. IMO, this is a bad idea, because the ex will probably fight for custody, and he will argue that you are too exhausted to meet the children’s needs.

To Kaya48: Your ex and his mistress deserve each other.

HopingToHeal

I agree, be careful not to show weakness. Spath will use anything possible to get their way.

Dustey

Your article was right on target. I know because in my 32 years with a sociopathic husband, I made every mistake the article mentioned and my life is ruined. After I finally decided to divorce my ex-husband, he turned my two adult sons against me, as well as his family, our neighbors and friends. My ex also stole money from me that was left to me by my mother and destroyed priceless possessions dear to me. Everything he did, he did indirectly as is the way of sociopaths. They’re like snakes in the grass.

For anyone still with a sociopath, take the advice in the article seriously. Don’t disturb a sociopath. There’s nothing they won’t do, no one they won’t hurt, no lie they won’t tell in order to “win”. Once you cross them, you’re doomed because while you have a sense of decency, they don’t. They don’t follow any moral rules. And most people you know don’t know what a sociopath is or what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. They won’t believe what you tell them. It’s best not to say anything because they’ll think you’re crazy.

The best advice I can give to anyone in a relationship with a sociopath is to immediately leave the sociopath as soon as you figure them out. Don’t stay and waste you life like I did. Don’t let them draw you back into their web. Run, run as fast and as far as you can.

Unfortunately, I also have relatives that are sociopaths. My advice to anyone with a sociopathic relative is to decide whether you’re going to let them abuse you or whether you’re going to end the relationship. Those are your only two choices. There’s no middle ground with a sociopath.

HanaleiMoon

Dustey, what you say here is the complete truth…you have summed it up to a tee in a few short paragraphs.

I was with mine for 7 years and thankfully wasn’t married to him so he couldn’t access my income or the one asset I chose to hoard, and didn’t have any kids. It has been almost 3 years since I was discarded and I have come to understand it as a life saving event for me. It has only been a few weeks since the last connection was severed (sale of a shared piece of property). I have lost so much personally, professionally and financially that at 59, won’t ever be recovered. I do hope that in time I will have a new life that I can be happy in and I know it is up to me to create it, since anyone from “before” that I might have thought of as a friend or support is long gone.

While I have known for a long time that the discard was long planned and carefully orchestrated to create the maximum damage to me, and he even recreated elements of past hurts I had shared with him to spread a little glitter on top, only this week did I fully realize that in addition, he had set it all up for it to look as if he was harmed in the process too. Basically what he did was to spend several years working with me to make some of my lifetime dreams come true (of course saying they were his dreams too) and let me put must of my money into it (for reasons that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time of course) and then pull the rug out from under me and leave me holding the bag financially. Meanwhile, he continued his lifestyle without missing a beat, still has his home, his trips, his expensive toys and a new wife who I can only assume is helping to finance an even bigger lifestyle. The way I see it, he spent those years working to get me in a position to make my dreams come true only so he could make sure they were taken away from me AND that I wouldn’t have the ability to even come close to recreating them.

I now believe it is next to impossible for those who haven’t experienced it to understand. I don’t speak of it anymore except in places (like this) that i know to be completely safe. I’ve heard it all from my ex so-called friends, and there was no support, or even compassion there. I have no doubt that some of them believe that even these forums are places we’ve created to delude ourselves and use as crutches because we can’t accept our responsibility in what happened. I’ve seen the condescending looks and heard the comments about how it wouldn’t ever happen to them – they just don’t know what they don’t know. It is a lonely, lonely road.

mendingthebrokenpieces

Hi all 🙂 It has been several years now since my split with my spath and I am doing a million times better (it really does get better eventually as long as you stay NC, especially when you have a blog like this to help you through!!) But, I have a friend in a situation and I am trying to help her get through it and I wonder if anybody might have any suggestions on this.. She has been with spath for 6 years…now…since january..he has left their townhouse, left her with all the bills, apparently had another woman over at their house before he left (I am assuming when my friend was working or out of town) and told her he was housesitting for his sister and that it was her place (I guess in case the other woman saw the photos around.) My friend knows this because the other woman contacted her. Also, a second woman has contacted her. Meanwhile, the spath keeps telling my friend that these girls are just friends and that he is staying at his mom’s house but that he loves her and he is coming back home soon and hoping they can make things work. Obviously all lies, but she had the normal reaction to a sociopaths actions like calling him a million times, driving past the girls house to catch him in his lies…calling him out…trying to beat him at his game which we know doesn’t really happen when you are dealing with someone who doesn’t care about anything. So… now, HE is taking her to court for stalking and phone misuse?!?!?? She has to go in front of a judge soon and I know that lots of times advice I have been given is not to try to tell people what the spath has done bc if they don’t understand what a spath is, they will just think you really are crazy and stupid… This is not something that I have experience with…mine never tried to take me to court…so I was hoping that maybe one of you would maybe have some suggestions that I could try to suggest to her that might help? Thanks so much!!! Hugs!

HanaleiMoon

Well you know you can’t beat them at their game. For me, I found the best tactic was to go so NC as to almost not exist. There were financial issues to be worked through an attorney, but beyond that, I went underground. It worked for me.

My best advice is your friend needs to act as if anything related to him will bring her harm and move forward with a new life that completely excludes him. I say act as if because you have to do it even if you’re not believing it yet. Because it will.

I went back and forth with mine for 7 years…I wouldn’t wish 7 DAYS on anyone. I began to think of mine as a demon that if I even looked in his general direction I would be instantly incinerated. I have not seen him since the discard, and have multiple plans of what I will do if I ever saw him in public or (God forbid) he knew where I was and sought me out. They all involve a completely blank look on my face, absolutely no reaction and getting myself away as fast as possible. He will NEVER get the slightest acknowledgement or reaction from me.

She needs to protect herself in every way possible. NC is essential.

mendingthebrokenpieces

Thank you so much! I have been preaching NC to her for a long time, but a lot of times it was like she wasn’t even listening and he was able to suck her right back in, which I completely understand…Maybe now that he has gone to this extreme she will realize that is what she needs to do and there is no other option…Your idea about the demon and incineration is great..I will def share it with her…I have tried to get her to sign up for this site bc I told her how much it helped me but for some reason she won’t.. I think she is just too traumatized right now to even be able to concentrate on anything. Thanks again and congrats to you on your healing. 🙂 The best revenge is getting over them and living a good life!

kaya48

Sorry to hear about your friend. I can totally relate to her situation. After I was discarded, while he was having an affair with a young co worker, he filed for a temporary injunction for domestic violence against me. It was very easy to obtain as they usually always grant a temporary one as it is based on one persons statements. It is very important to retain good, aggressive counsel when going to the court hearing. (Usually within 10 days of the temporary restraining order). Like I mentioned before I chose a male criminal defense attorney. (Any female one might get hooked on his “good looks”, his nick name is Captain America ). Fortunately the judge was able to see his “evil” planning. He dismissed the restraining order as it was based on insufficient evidence and lies. My soon to be ex had the opportunity to drop everything at the beginning of the hearing. He refused but looked like an idiot at the end if it. The judge did not buy his b/s even though my husband is a cop in the same county. Please tell her to take this very serious. A permanent injunction has devastating consequences.
I went no contact and filed for divorce the same day. Best decision I have ever made. After 20 years this man is my number one enemy. We are still battling it out in court. It’s not easy but it’s the only choice I had. I will never speak with him again, look at him or contact him in any way.
It might be very expensive but only communicate through lawyers. They know how to deal with them. My attorney knows that my husband is a sociopath. That’s why I chose a criminal defense/family lawyer. You just never know what they throw in your path and I like to be prepared. He blindsighted me by leaving one night and changing all bank accounts. But I am wiser now. I always have to be one step ahead of him.
Good luck for your friend.

mendingthebrokenpieces

Thank you kaya! I am sorry you are still going through this all these years later 🙁 They are pure evil. Thanks so much for your advice…I am really worried that she is going to lose her cool when she sees him in court so I am trying to coach her on that the best I can…I will definitely share your advice with her and thank you for sharing. What I can’t understand is why someone like the man you or she has been dealing with would want to take someone to court where they could potentially be revealed for who they really are…Surely he should know that she is going to tell her side of the story…or at least that she is going to try and that there is a chance that they will lose. I am so worried that she is going to come across as “psycho” because it all does sound so ridiculous to someone who has never dealt with someone like this. That is probably what he is hoping for. I hope the judge she gets can see through him like the one that you had. Congrats to you on your initial win…and good luck to you with everything you are still dealing with.

kaya48

Hanalei moon
You are absolutely right. No contact is the most essential tool. As you, I do not acknowledge him and he will never, ever get any reaction out of me. Positive or negative. Just nothing. I am planning to wear my sunglasses in court next week as I don’t want to see his “ugly” face. He might look handsome on the outside but to me he is a “demon” like you said. There is nothing good about him.
I compare him to Lucifer (who was the most beautiful angel) and I sure wouldn’t give the devil the time of the day. My time in “hell” is over and he has no more influence on me. Please tell your friend she cannot do it on her own. I rely heavily on my attorney because you cannot fight a war without weapons. Going to battle on your own will get you killed.

mendingthebrokenpieces

Kaya, I think that she is not going to have a choice but to go in on her own 🙁 She doesn’t have enough money for an attorney because he has drained all of her funds by his leaving. He has been messaging her almost every week saying he would stop by with some money and that he was staying at his “mom’s” until he could figure out his life but that he would be back “soon”. Of course he never shows up and he definitely wasn’t at his moms.. and even after I went through a 4 year relationship with someone like this, i am still having a hard time processing this mentally. How these people are programmed to be so evil. This triggers me because besides the court bit, it is all so familiar. I once saw a quote, on facebook I think, that said, be careful who you trust as the devil was once an angel. What you have said reminded me of it. It is so true.

kaya48

Thank you. Yes, it has been about year of divorce proceedings. It’s the battle of my life. It is undescribable for me how the person who claimed to love me till death do us apart, put me in court and had his own 18 years old son testify against him. To me it’s unbelievable but it happened. That time last year was a bad dream I could not get out of. The restraining order was the “tip of the iceberg”. To put your own family in civil court and try to have me arrested for being “mentally ill” was too much.
You are right I was worried also if they would believe him and label me “crazy”. But you know what, judges are very smart and usually see through the lies . When my soon to be ex claimed he was “afraid” of me 3 months before he filed the restraining order, the judge looked puzzled. 3 months ago ??? It was almost hilarious. I actually laugh about it now but it sure was a very painful time .
Thanks for everyone’s support here. I don’t have minor children so when this divorce is final nothing “connects” me to him. It will be the end of this nightmare.

mendingthebrokenpieces

I kind of look back on some of the things now that my ex did to me and laugh a bit…at the time I thought I was dying…I remember saying that I would have rather him physically beat me up than play all the mind games. But now, I just see how much I really was under his spell and I can see how my friend is the exact same way as I was and I am trying my very best to try to snap her out of it.

kalina

The intent of a sociopath is to deceive. Putting something over, so to speak, getting the upper hand. When it comes to confabulation, mixing thoughts and images up to confuse and baffle, typically they are masters. Cognitive dissonance, with a big D. These sick people believe they are masters at the art of manipulation. They, typically, are. They lie like they brush their tenth. No scruples, no boundaries, and it’s under the cover of eliciting your sympathy. Your friend may need encouragement to set her moral compass on high alert. Not to get, in any way, emotionally caught up in the drama. Judges do get blindsided. They just don’t admit it. Many may even be Mysogynists, which colors their judgement. Good luck to you and your friend. I have been there for 29 years and I believe it’s true what Satre says, “Hell is here on earth”. Kalina

mendingthebrokenpieces

Thank you Kalina, It is so hard for me or her or any of us to understand how someone can do this to another person because we are not like them. He just paid off a ring for her a few months bakc, and now she finds out after the fact that this goes much further back than just the last few months. Good luck to you as well…it is so hard to go to battle against these evil people when they care about nothing and have no conscience.

Dear Mending-

They have an uncanny, arrogant sense that no one will see through them.

It seems likely, since he’s taking her to court, that someone is watching and so, he’s putting on a show. He is getting something out of trying to make your friend look like the offender. He is trying to discredit her.

The problem we all deal with in going to court with a sociopath is that court is not about justice. It’s about proof. If you don’t have sufficient proof, justice will not be forthcoming.

Sociopaths blur the lines between cause and effect in order to claim that “adaptive” behavior, actions to defend, protect, or emotionally free oneself, is the source of the problem. It’s a means they use to gaslight their victims…. causing others, and even the victims themselves, to question their actions.

She needs a good lawyer, one who understands cause and effect, and one who can make a credible argument that the man is a sociopath. And she needs to have no further contact with that man, whatsoever.

Joyce

mendingthebrokenpieces

Thank you so much… I just spoke with her…the problem she is having is that since he left and left her with all of the rent and the bills to pay on her own (3 rents now that he hasn’t paid a dime), she does not have enough money to hire a laywer to take with her on such short notice and doesn’t have any family in a position to help her…Unfortunately, I am not in a position to help her financially either, or I would. She spoke with a police officer and was just told to show up and state her case. 🙁 I am telling her to print all emails, show phone records, make a timeline, etc..I am not sure what else she should do. I really hope that she is able to discredit what he is saying…her reactions were to his actions and emotional abuse and I just hope that the judge can see through him and drop this case. I am so worried for her. 🙁 She plans to say that this order is not necessary because she wants nothing to do with him after she has found out all he has done but I am not sure if that will mean anything to the judge because obviously they would probably expect someone in her position to say that no matter what. The very same day that he went and filed this order, he had called her the same morning and and asked her to spend time with him and his child, and then boom…later in the day she has to deal with this. She can show that he called, but it would be her word against his about what was said during the call.

kaya48

That’s a real bad idea, just to go and state her case. And of course this came from a Police Officer. Tell her to sell some assets or do everything in her power to borrow money for an attorney. I have been there and I would have been destroyed in court if it was not for my attorney stating my defense. An injunction is very serious and can have unforeseen consequences.
Good luck and I will be praying for her.

kaya48

Yes the devil was the most beautiful angel before he got “banned”. And this who she will have to stand up against in court. The problem is she does not know what she is allowed to say in court, what evidence is admissible and so on. It’s a totally different language in court and nothing like Judge Judy.
The police officer told her “just to state her case”. This is the same officer who would throw her in jail whenever the other person claims she violated that restraining order.
I hope she can get some funds to get good good counsel. For me it was worth $1000.
Good luck.

HanaleiMoon

kaya, you’re absolutely right about her needing a lawyer.

My ex tried to deal with my lawyer on his own for almost a year before he hired one of his own. Even then he went around his lawyer and tried to contact me directly multiple times. All I did was email or drop the stuff off at my lawyers office.

It’s also worth the money just for the support of someone in your corner. I’m an educated person, and without my lawyer I would have floundered and made more problems for myself because I was so emotional and desperate. I don’t regret a dime of her fee.

mendingthebrokenpieces

I agree with you. I am thinking the same about it being a bad idea. I don’t think that he will have an attorney either though…I am hoping that he will get scared and won’t even show up. Now he is saying that if she writes a letter agreeing to leave him alone and has it notarized that he may consider dropping all of this. She is refusing to do that, which I think I would also refuse because that I feel would be admitting guilt when she is not really guilty persay….so as of right now, she will be headed to court next week with no attoney unless she comes up with some type of idea. She is trying to send her child to college and pay for everything on her own now…I can’t believe he did this to her, well actually I can, but it just is not fair that this happens so often to good people. Thank you for your prayers.

HanaleiMoon

My heart goes out to her. I was abandoned in a state where I knew no one, had no contacts and no job, and he left me with a mortgage payment of a little over $4,000 a month. Yes, $4,000 a month. I had no family to turn to and in fact, had been supplementing my parents income prior to this. My friends were no help. I did it completely alone. After I scraped myself off the floor, I got a job. I sold everything I owned that had any value that wasn’t nailed down. I paid the mortgage, paid the utilities, paid to have repairs made to an old house that were essential. Paid for an attorney. Bartered. Scrimped. Leaned on my credit card. Wore the same outfit to work multiple days a week. Did without. I did it for almost three years until the house sold. I lost my entire down payment (over $100,000) but I didn’t ruin my credit. It seemed impossible at the beginning and many times during the process, but I did it. I did it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I had an attorney who was honest and didn’t steal my money and told me directly that she would be glad to handle suing him and it was likely that I would win a judgement but he would never pay and I would be left with her bills. I feel fortunate that I didn’t lose more. I did it and your friend can too.

mendingthebrokenpieces

Thank you, I am sharing this with her as she feels there is no hope. She can’t afford to live this way and needs to find another place but has no money for movers, etc…you know how it goes. She is having a hard time finding a place that she can afford and doesn’t want to move to another location right now with her son in school. You are very strong to have done all of that..especially when dealing with the emotional aspects of the abuse at the same time. I moved to another state to get away from my spath…I had sold all of my furniture on a website and packed up my entire place in 2 weeks and he had no idea I was doing it bc we were on a “break” at the the time..she is going to have to be strong and keep trying to move forward. I am in a diff state than she is, but I told her that if she needs help moving, I will drive there to help her.

kaya48

Joyce
You are absolutely correct. She needs a very good lawyer. I am for ever grateful to my lawyer who was able to “put my husband in his place” in court. Yes, he tried to discredit me and labeled me “mentally ill”. He wanted to be portrayed as the victim and as a cop needed sympathy. I found out later that it was his counsel who told him to file an injunction against me. Many attorneys use an injunction for domestic violence as a tool to make the opposing side look bad and guilty. It’s sad that they would abuse something like this to their advantage. It’s a waste of time and money for the court system.
Luckily in my case it did not work out to his favor. But to this day he still tries to manipulate and connive. This is another reason he chose a female attorney. He thinks with his “handsome ” looks he can get away with everything. And I can tell from my last court date that she is totally “under his spell” already.
I am aware of his evil actions now so I am definetely more prepared than I ever was.

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