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LETTERS TO LOVEFAUD: How do you fight against this type of person?

Many people write to Lovefraud seeking advice for the situations they find themselves in due to a sociopath. I do my best to help, but sometimes the sociopath has created so much trauma that I feel like my suggestions are inadequate.

Reproduced below is an e-mail exchange between a woman who faces a nearly impossible situation—we’ll call her Theresa—and myself. If you have any suggestions that may help her, please post them in a comment.

Theresa’s first letter

When I met my husband he was divorced (three times) and had joint custody of his biological son and stepdaughter. At the time it appeared as though he was this loving and caring dad, and he was so convincing that I was the one person that made his custody case a slam dunk for him and he won custody of his biological son and stepdaughter. Now looking back, I see that was all a ploy, he was just doing that because I had a passion for the children’s well being. I’m afraid the things he was telling me about his ex-wife back then were all lies and I feel terrible.

I also helped my husband build his company so he could work for himself, and the whole time I helped he would never listen to what I was telling him about his spending habits, then the affairs, the abuse etc. At one point he told me that if we ever got divorced that it would be his word against mine and he would win, and that he could pass any psych tests they threw at him or any guardian ad litem, etc., etc. He said that he was able to pass the psych test to get in the Army he could pass anything. Every time we went to a counselor, he would always find a way to make them believe him and he would spin everything around to make me look terrible, when it was just the opposite.

Eventually his business failed and our bills were not being paid, but he would still pay his employees. I had to get a job, and after 20 days on the job, I had to go out of town on a business trip. He was watching all of our kids, and I received a phone call from my oldest daughter letting me know he was moving and I was out of town and could do nothing about it. I came home and he was gone and so were my two step kids, the bank account was overdrawn and he left me in over 16K worth of bills, I almost lost my house, my car and my job. My mom emptied her 401K so I could get the house out of foreclosure.

We have a daughter together and she lives with me, but he does see her every other weekend, and the only reason he does is to torment me, he does not want her or care about her, he is just using her. He had no contact with her when she was a baby and now all of a sudden he is trying to portray he is this wonderful father, when he is not. He served me with divorce papers a few months later after he moved out, and I made a parenting plan and presented it to his attorney and my husband told me that he will not agree to anything I put together, and that either I sign what he gave me or he will just keep fighting till he wins.

I have no money, my utilities keep getting turned off, so I can’t afford an attorney and he has one, I have no way to prove all the terrible things he has done. And when I did talk to the attorneys they said he may be a bad father, but he hasn’t broken any laws. So I really don’t have a leg to stand on. But my stepson is just like his father, dangerous, and there is little supervision but I can’t prove anything. Especially with no money, what can I do to protect my little girl from this monster?

My husband is living with his mom and he just bought a new truck, and is planning on moving in with his new girlfriend, and we are not even divorced. He left me is such financial despair I don’t know how to get my head above water, and fight for my daughter.

It’s really weird when the abuse happened, I would take pictures and hide my camera but he always found it and erased the pictures. And when I would defend myself he would run around the house in front of the kids and scream “no violence, no violence” so I looked like the abuser and not him. How do you fight against this type of person?

Lovefraud’s response

I am so sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, the behavior you describe in your husband is typical of a sociopath.

First of all, you should do everything you can to get an attorney. It is almost impossible to represent yourself against a sociopath in court and have anything come out favorable to you. Some states require a spouse with assets to pay for the legal representation of the spouse without assets. You may also qualify for aid through government resources or a women’s shelter. Contact a domestic violence shelter—they see this type of behavior all the time and may be able to direct you to legal representation.

Make sure the lawyer understands what he or she is dealing with—the sociopath will lie in court and will not follow established rules. The attorney must be very aggressive. Your husband will probably also submit false evidence. Do not allow anything that is not true become part of the court record. Some attorneys will say, “don’t worry about that.” This is terrible advice when dealing with a sociopath.

It is critical to document everything that happens. I recommend you get the book Win Your Child Custody War. It is somewhat expensive—$75—but it is worth the investment. At least it will tell you what to expect.

While all this is going on, you should maintain a policy of “No Contact” as much as possible. Every time you have contact with the man, it will be an opportunity for him to manipulate you. If you do have to see him, bring a witness.

If you are awarded child support, you can be sure that he will resist paying it. The best thing that could happen to you is that the guy is out of your life, and your daughter’s life, forever. If you can swing it, you may want to offer a deal that he gives up his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. He’ll never pay anyway so you won’t lose anything.

May I reproduce your letter for a future blog article? I receive many letters like it (at least you are not alone).

Theresa’s reply

Well, I have tried all the legal aid routes but since I have no proof of abuse, they said they can not help me. He currently pays child support although there is no order yet; his child support worksheet is a lie, but because I do not have the money to prove it, there is nothing I can do about it. But he pays it, because he is trying to look good in the eyes of the judge, who we have not seen yet. He told me that I could never get rid of him and he will always be part of our daughter’s life and that’s why I can’t get rid of him.

When we were living under the same roof, he used to sleep with a knife under his pillow, and then whisper in my ear “you never know when I will have a flashback.” Or all the times he took pictures of his private areas and sent them to other women; made lies about hundreds of dollars he withdrew from the bank; leaving pornographic material in the bathroom for my 12 year old to see; how he took 150 mg of his son’s medication and walked around like a zombie, but then lied about it and made me look crazy in front of his counselor. But I have no proof so it does not matter in the eyes of the court. It stinks that he can get away with being a bad parent as long as he is not breaking the law. He’s really good at portraying himself to others as the victim. I have had his friends call me and tell me that it is good that I divorced him, and I have to tell them that I didn’t, he left me. Everyone in town thinks he is the poor victim, once again.

Sure, you can use my story, I doubt it will help anyone; it certainly isn’t helping me at all. The law is not on my side, and I feel so helpless, and he gets to get away with it all and there is nothing I can do, because of the financial ruin he left me in.

He is taking our daughter for a week visitation and I can’t stop him, even though I know she will not be cared for the way she should. It all boils down to money, even when it comes to the safety of our kids.

His son is just like him, and dangerous for sure. For example, his son started a fire in the bathroom, because he did not want to wait for me to get him a Kleenex box he needed for a school project. I told him I would get one for him after he finished his homework, but instead he went into the bathroom and burned the Kleenex in the Kleenex box and when it got out of control for him he doused it all in water; he was seven years old at the time. He also went into my bathroom and stole my wedding ring, to this day I don’t know what happened to it; he told so many lies about what he did with it. At one point he told me it was in the school park, so I got a metal detector and scanned the entire playground and it never was found. Then he said it was behind the books in the school library, and it went on and on. He also will urinate in other places of the house besides the toilet when he does not get his way, or use his bowel movements as paint in the bathroom; scare his little sister with a robot and make her scream at the top of her lungs; shows her how to take a stick and poke fire ant hills; or dig a hole in the back yard and poop. And yet, I can’t do anything about it because I’m broke and he looks like an angel.


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37 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFAUD: How do you fight against this type of person?"

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I feel terrible for Theresa’s predicament. I wonder if you could contact your husband’s first wife. Maybe together you could show the court what kind of man he really is. She could serve as a witness for your case. She may have some kind of evidence that will help you.
Also, I would make sure that you document all the abuse you and your kids have endured from this man. Make it part of the court record now”because it will help you in the future if/when you end up in court again. In my case, my first lawyer advised me not to include the abuse as part of the divorce because it would just make the divorce messy. She advised me to make the divorce about the money and assets only. This is bad advice when the ex is a sociopath. You want everything documented. All the horrible things you listed in your story make sure to include in your case to the court.
Unfortunately, it may be that your ex will get shared custody. There may be nothing you can do about this, but you can make sure that the visitation agreement is cut and dry. Make sure it spells out exactly how the arrangement will work. My agreement is very vague. It states my ex will see the kids every other weekend and we will share holidays. It also says he will have two weeks of vacation during the summer. My ex has used the vagueness of the agreement to his advantage. When I have called the police when he has violated the agreement, they will tell me that the way the agreement reads they can not be sure who should have the children, and so are unable to bring them back. They don’t know whose weekend it is. If the agreement stated that the ex had the children during the first weekend of every year and then every other weekend there after, then this would clarify exactly whose weekend it is. Also, my ex has used the holiday agreement to read that he can have the children for half of every holiday day and has also used it to say, “I have this Christmas”you have next Christmas” Whatever benefits him at the time”and the police can not follow the order because it is so unclearly written. He has also used the agreement to support his taking of the children during the summer without my permission. The agreement says he has two weeks, so on several occasions he has used the agreement to take the children and say it was one of his vacation days. Make your agreement rock solid. Make sure there is only one way to interpret it. This will help you because it will lessen the amount of times you need to talk to your ex and will also clarify the arrangement for your daughter. If he violates the order at all, make sure to document it with the police. This will be part of your records for future court involvement. I would also be aware of your daughter’s phone contact with her dad. My ex used this as a way to cause conflict in our house. He made his presence known over the phone. He would literally talk to my kids all night. He would ask the kids what was for dinner. What is mom wearing? What is in mom’s medicine cabinet? On many occasions I still can hear my ex call me derogatory names and insults over the phone. When this happens, I now end the call ASAP. I also set limits on how much time is spent talking to dad. My kids are grateful for this because often they stay on the phone out of obligation and fear of their dad’s anger if they hang up.
The other thing I would do is read about parental alienation. I was unaware of this phenomenon when I first divorced. It is very likely that your hateful ex will start to fill your daughter’s head with untruths about you. There are books that will help you to respond to these accusations from the start. I found these books really helpful. I also just read Dr. Leedom’s book Just Like His Father? I wish I had read this book earlier. It will help you understand your daughter’s development and understand how you can positively influence her environment as best you can. Even though her dad is so horrible, you can be sure to do everything you can to help her grow to an adult with good character.
I know financially custody battles can be horrible, especially when you are left paying the bills from the marriage. You have to do the best you can with what you have. Write down what you want before going into court and DON”T give in to anything less!!!! Stick to your guns for what is right. The lawyers will try to get you to compromise, but you can’t. You are not dealing with a normal person. The lawyers will give your husband the benefit of the doubt that he is basically normal, but you know otherwise, so DON’T give in”you’ll be sorry in the future.
My ex always pays his child support. In fact, he recently upped the amount on his own! He does everything right that can be seen in public. That is very important to sociopaths”how they are viewed in public. You can bet that my ex is telling the town”what a great guy he is and the courts will think he is a great guy. It’s all part of his game.

We have to figure out a way to band together and fight them. Other victims have organizations why can’t we? With an organization we can lobby for our rights and the rights of children.

Why don’t you leave country? I am serious.

I discovered lately that i was a sociopath…. and i’m sorry but i have to say that there is nothing you can do. It’s just life, you meet good or bad people, have this or that problem, you don’t need to marry a sociopath in order to have issues in your life, don’t put all the guilt on our shoulders. Plus it’s not our fault, blame God for making us what we are. It’s half genetics, and half environment.

Your hatred/disgust for sociopaths is insane. We are victims too, can’t live normal lives.

Regards

To Sociapath23 I love it when sociopaths comment on anti-sociapath web sites. Probably an egotistical attempt to gain sympathy(try to fool us one more time). First of all your not “sorry” at least in the emotional definition. Next “nothing you can do” This website is what we can do and it’s just the beginning. “Don’t need to marry a sociopath to have issues in your life”. Very true I lived with a meth addict for 3 1/2 years ( a walk in the park compared to 1 year with a sociopath).”it’s not our fault blame god” Failure to accept responsibility for ones own actions (straight from the PCL).”Your hatred/disgust for sociopaths is insane” (Ya we’re the ones with the problem). Not insane very justified. Something you will never understand beings you lack the emotions necessary to be harmed in the way we have.”We are victims too” (Poor Pity the sociopath). You would have my sympathy Sociopath23 unfortunately another sociopath beat you to it. And now I have NO SYMPATHY FOR SOCIOPATHS !!!!!!

Everytime I read things here, I see two things. I see my ex “bad man” for what he is… AND.. I see that I got off lucky compared to some of the stories I have read here, Still, my time was truly a nightmare. Oh, how I can relate to the spin of a sociopath. It is a sickening feeling when they make you look like a nut job and they look like an angel. I do believe that in time, their true identity will close in on them. I can only hope. I do wonder if there is something we can do to band together. People’s lives are destroyed and yet the sociopath has done nothing wrong? There is no law against that? There should be! Please count me in if there is ever a way to work on this with creating legislation. My email address is: [email protected]. I don’t mind posting it because it’s my junk address but I still check it every day. I wish I had some advice for this woman but all I can say is, there are people who do understand. Oh, and one more thing… I work for child protective services. Perhaps you can find something on him, any morsel that can get these children removed from him care. Then he can visit the children, supervised by a social worker who can keep him from manipulating them and making disparaging comments about you.

“Why don’t you leave country? I am serious.”

That would be a mistake. There is nowhere to hide these days. She would just get picked up in some other country, go straight to jail and the child goes straight to the socio. Very problematic.

I’m truly sorry for the situation you are in. I wish I had some advice for you. If your power gets turned off, you certainly can’t buy the recommended books, nor hire an attorney. You could try one who will represent you pro-bono. Get a some journals from the “Dollar Store” and start documenting everything” EVERYTHING. Whom, what, where, time, site incident, what was said by child, socio or anybody, the weather at the time, what was on TV when it was said, who else was there, every minute detail. If you can’t do something that needs to be done, the socio might find out, so document what it was, what prevented you from doing it, and what your plan was/is.

I don’t know what state you are in but the divorce process is written out, what happens and when, what forms are needed, instructions and help for those having to do it on their own” Get your court house up on your puter, and start educating yourself, you can do it, you ill fill a waiver form and file it, so your fees will be free. That is a confidential doc that your husband should not be able to see.

I was raised by a socio, I was FORCED to marry a socio, had one child, divorced, remained single for nearly 10 years, I was so afraid of men, by the time I remarried I had received much therapy, but still made a mistake in the opposite direction, I married a man who was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder with periodic psychotic episodes, we had two children (A Beautiful Mind, I don’t think so), divorced again and he remarried, to a socio! They started the parental alienation, my daughter became a cutter and claims to have had many OBE’s, my son turned mute, and was placed in Special Ed, when he started talking we could barely understand a word he said, he would become so frustrated he rarely spoke. His step mother scared him with guns, pushed him down stairs when he introduced her as his step-mother (instead of mom), he hates me, and I’m afraid of him.

I’ve been burned, stabbed, raped, choked till I blacked out, kidnapped, taken way out into the ocean on a tiny boat and told I’d be dumped there, thrown out of moving vehicles, watched my baby being dangled over a railing from the second story, “stay with me or I’ll drop her”, and I believed him, he dropped her on the kitchen floor when she was only four months old, I ran across the living room and dove head first into the wall and knocked myself out when my husband wouldn’t take our baby to the hospital, that’s what it took to get him to take her, she stopped breathing on the way! I was told to be naked with my legs spread when he opened the front door when coming home from work, if not then I was having a lesbian affair with my girlfriend. I was told there wasn’t a rock I could crawl under where he wouldn’t find me. I’d plan my escape, tell nobody of my whereabouts, yet come home to find my tiny little apartment busted up, he even turned the fridge on it’s side kicked in the engine and cut off the cord, not even one pair of panties left of clothing. The neighbors saw him do it and he left a note, the police did nothing. I went to stay with a friend and her husband, my home was no longer livable, he showed up with a shotgun, screaming for me to come out or he would shoot himself, the police came and took his gun away and left, with him still out there, “free country don’t cha know lady?” My hubby stayed outside, waiting me out, finally my girl friends husband goes out there, and my husband breaks his hand breaking his nose. They wound up in the same E.R. and the fight continued there.

We must educate society, start a NPO, so we can buy books for the victims of socio’s, attorneys are happy to represent a client in a case that gets their name in the paper.
I went to school and became a paralegal (certificated in the state of CA) so I could represent myself, and all went well until it became a case in two separate states. Then I spent everything on trying to keep my children safe, but he still was awarded visitation even after his leaving them in his truck, and it with them in it went over a 22 foot cliff and the jaws of life had to be used to free them from the wreckage. My son came home from a Xmas visit, we opened gifts we he got back, then when I went to put him to bed, I saw his little leg was bruised from hip to knee, I rushed him to the E.R., next thing I know CPS and the police are there, doctors called, stated it was from abuse, I pulled my sons airline ticket out and said he had only been with me for the past 6 hours, the bruises were approximately a week old, so they then knew I didn’t do it, yet did nothing because they have no jurisdiction in the other state, I went to court to stop the next visit in the spring, but since my son couldn’t/wouldn’t speak, they said the order stands as is. They went into court when he was there next, said I dropped him off and they don’t know where mom was, got an ex-parte order for temp custody” this goes on for ever, so I’m going to stop. I lost my home, lost my mind and was in a black hole of depression for 10 years” I’m out of it now, but we are all damaged.
I didn’t know what a socio was till I read “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout Ph.D. last week. I wish I would have known about this years ago, my life and my children’s lives would have been so bright. The injuries we suffered were substantial, they have healed, but the scars are still visible and if I pick at it, I start to bleed all over again. Time does not heal all wounds, but the pain lessens as it goes by thankfully. The stories I could tell would curl toes. All this on top of being raised by a socio” I kissed my mom once, she back handed me so hard I flew to the floor, she then said “Don’t ever do that, don’t you know you have germs!” It was like being programmed
’Not To Be’”

Such an emotional and stressful topic, I should have been more careful above in my typing, please excuse the errors, it seems I have no way to go back and edit my post.

Sociopath23 writes like Fred Brito. He’s been posting weird comments under different profiles on here, most of which don’t make a lot of sense. Just ignore him and he’ll go away eventually.

This is to theresa, First of all I can’t begin to put into words how sorry I am to hear your story. You story is so much like mine only thank the Lord I didnt have kids with him. He did bring his son here though and he was so much like what you describe. Everyone thought he was a little angel because he was from TX and he always said yes mam and yes sir. He also had this syrupy sweet smile that everyone fell for. Can I ask you was your husbands name Bruce by any chance. I am afraid to put last names on here and if I put his sons name and he got on here he wouls know this is me. Of course m,any of you know the fear of looking around every corner. I still fear he or his sick son will be back here some day. I will keep you in my prayers Theresa and wish I could help in some way. I agree that we all should start our own support group noone else would even understand living with these SICKOS but us. Again you are in my thoughts and prayers!

I am not in the advice business- but I think we must use extrordinary measures to free ourselves. We must stip being victims.

This is my first visit to this site and it is amazing.The writers have definately “read my mail”.I got out for good on March 3,2001 and married a safe and loving man in May of 2005.Still the “monster”haunts me(ptsd).I was one to jounal even before I met him and it was one of the tools I used to heal.My journaling became so massive that I made the decision to self publish a book to purge the experience and to move forward.The title of the book is Layers:Surviving a Relationship with a Sociopath(Authorhouse bookstore).At any rate,as much as the cathrsis helped,I believe the horror of the experience will perhaps never fully leave me.He does not know where I am and I chose to move to another state after three years of his continued stalking.He told a mutual friend that he “still loved me” and believed that I was “the best thing that ever happened for him”. I do not feel flattered. I was his victim and even his mother said if I got away, he would “find his next”. I know he has and I hurt for whoever she is. I pray for this unknown woman and share so much with her.By the way…I am a professional counselor and it was my compassion,empathy, and belief in people’s ability to change that pulled me in.As a recovering Alcoholic of 20 years,all I could see was his alcoholism and had hope that I could help him “fix” himself…He did not want to be fixed,he wanted to be taken care of so that he could continue to drink and rage at me.POWER,BABY!!!Thanks for this site, a place to be understood by others who have been there, as they are the only ones who can grasp this experience in the slightest.One last word…the KEY…NO CONTACT!!!!signed “NOMORE”

Theresa, You will be in my prayers.

Your story has terrible parallels to my own. The best thing that you can do is get away from him. I am sorry to say that the legal system did not work at all for me. I feel that I was penalized for being truthful and that my ex was rewarded for his lies. The judge bought everything he said and completely ignored what my witnesses and I said. My ex is very goodlooking and looks very respectable and he lies with utter conviction. Mostly he just twist and warps the truth, exaggerates, avoids answering the question, or tells just the tiny part of the truth that makes him look good without including the whole story.

I think the only weapon that people like us have is the truth, and for some reason, that doesn’t play well in court.

There are several books that I have found helpful in understanding my situation. Two of the best are “Divorce Poison” and “When Love Goes Wrong.” I got them from the library, so no cost. They help with understanding which is somewhat comforting. They let you know that you are not alone and not crazy.

Unfortunately, I still have not found anything in terms of action that will help me. The one book that was a little more action oriented that I liked was “When your Past is Hurting your Present.” It doesn’t give any ideas on what to do to fix the situation, but it does give ideas on what to do to heal. It is written from a Christian perspective, so if you are a Christian you will really appreciate this. If not, I hope you can overlook the religious aspects of the book and benefit from the excellent perspective.

I am still trying to cope with the damage my ex has done to my life and the lives of my children.

If I gain any insight or have any success, I will post here. Several people are advising me to take my story public, hoping that the newspaper will do a story on how the courts fall for the lies told by these people. I am still stunned with the way the judge ruled in my case. It is incomprehensible to my lawyer, my therapist, my many good friends. My ex has virtually no real friends, only people he has managed to fool in the short term. But he is so adept at this that someone like a judge, who only gets to “know” him for one day, is suckered by his act.

I am just reeling from a 4 year relationship with someone I really believe is a sociopath.

We met when I was severely depressed and in the hospital for a suicide attempt I made after surgery.

He was there also for a “suicide attempt” though now knowing what I know it could all have been a fabricated attempt to have someplace to stay or to avoid prosecution for some crime commited.

He appeared sad and depressed at the time and told me the story of his abusive childhood and years of bouncing around foster care. I too came from a traumatic childhood having drug addicted parents and bouncing from one home to another. We connected on this level and he was so attentive to me showering me with affection and praise and helping me whenever he could.

He was living at a motel at the time and I helped him find a job, and let him move in with me and my roommate. He paid his rent on time and had two nice rooms downstairs while I had my room upstairs. We spend many nights together but some night if we were tired we would sleep apart. The sleeping apart happened more frequently.

He took a few jobs which never worked out and then the dry cleaners where I brough my clothes had an opening. He got hired immediately and worked there for a long time and even started managing 3 or 4 dry cleaners for the plant. He appeared to becoming successful and leaving his “old life” of crime (he had been in prison for 4 years). Our lives seemed to be headed in the right direction and he propsed marriage we became engaged and I didn’t like the ring he bought me so I traded it in and got another which angered and upset him but he was okay with it.

We went on an engagement vacation to the bahamas and had a great time. We were so “in love.”

I loaned him the money for a cheapy car so he could get back and forth to work, he fixed it up with his friend and the got into a small accident with it and said he didn’t want it anymore. His friend told me years later that he was driving recklessly and spun out on purpose and that is what caused the crash but he says he skidded on ice. Who knows what the truth is there.

When we got back he was still managing the cleaners, but he mentioned something about not being paid enough for his work and that he might start taking money. I told him this was a bad idea and to just ask for a raise and be patient. He called me a few weeks later to say that he was being accused of stealing but that he “didn’t do it.” It was someone else he said and because of his background he was being blamed. I spoke to the owner of the plant who state he “knew” he did it but couldn’t provide any proof.

I accepted that he didn’t do it and he immediately started working on business partnership with another dry cleaner owner. They opened another store and he was working it. This person co-signed for a car for him. He got into a car accident with this which wasn’t “his fault.” He started a lawsuit against the other driver and it was just a matter of time before his settlement came in.

He would “borrow” money from me which wasn’t so bad except it usually left me with little for my day. He had in the past given me money and was never stingy with gifts. I beleive of some level he really loved me.

I though couldn’t completely trust him after the incident with the dry cleaners, but I tried to put that behind us. I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been with his new business endeavor and I think he relied on me to rally him on.

He opened the new dry cleaners and I was reluctant to see the place and I should have been more excited for him.

For one reason or another he stated the business wasn’t working out because the person who sold it to them had been taking the business to his other cleaners. He was not really happy there I suppose and his car ended up getting repossessed after it was fixed from the accident. His partner claimed he was taking money from him though I never saw any of it. He stated that my ex was not really working the business but instead hanging out with his friends or walking around outside smoking or whatever.

In any event, he had the debit card for the business account and kept taking money out of it. I had in fact invested a small amount of money for business cards and advertising materials for the business and he gave me some of it back from the account. However, now he was without a car and a job again.

I was infuriated. I was dissappointed. I became verbally abusive toward him saying he was a loser and couldn’t do anything right. I know this made him feel even worse.

His partner then stated that it wasn’t that the business wasn’t making money but that he had been taking it out of the register and that is why the rent couldn’t get paid”etc.

I didn’t want to believe this I just couldn’t since he was given an opportunity to own his own place.

I was so mean to him I never accepted with gratitude any fo this gifts he gave me saying they weren’t what I really wanted. I am sure this made him really upset, but he never really showed it.

He would always do things for me to try to make me happy, if I needed anything done, he would always try his best and I would always say it wasn’t right or good enough. It was aweful the way I treated him, but looking back I see I was more angry about the things that I “didn’t know about.” Things he was secretive about or possibly hiding.

He said that whatever he tried I didn’t support him and stand by him and didn’t encourage him. This is true in some ways, I felt I was being lied to really. But I feel now if only I had been more excited about his business venture if only I had visited him at work when he was alone, things might have been different.

In any event, he now needed another car and another job. He got a job working at a gym and opened up every morning at 5:30am. I drove him to work every morning until we could get him another car. He got one from his friend which was a gas guzzler but it got him to work and I didn’t have to drive him every morning.

I was still pretty mean to him about things arguing that he was working for too little money and could do better and should have really tried to work the dry cleaners and just plain being nasty about the situation because it was not what I wanted. I was pretty selfish.

The gym thing started working well and he was about to get his settlement and I was still paying for some of his bills like his cell phone which was always like hundreds each month.

He would do strange things like text me instead of calling and emailing instead of talking to me face to face.

I didn’t mind. I was doing my own thing – running my business (which he helped me start up and gave me some money to help open and he was right there with me on the grand opening 3 years ago.) I find it hard to work the business now as he is gone.

This is really long and I am going to post this message and then continue—

Wednesday, 22 August 2007 @ 10:37am

holehearted says:
To continue”

He started managing the cafe of the gym and working the desk and he appeared to be working really hard.

I was doing my own thing and we were growing apart little by little and I became more and more mean to him.

He finally got his settlement and I begged for him to continue to work the gym while we invested the money in a small house or condo or something and then take money out to start another business (landscaping he wanted to do with his friend).

He got very angry with me and stated this is what he wanted and that he was taking his money and getting the landscaping business.

I felt it would be a waste of money and our furture would be in ruins. I told him he would not make it at the business or it would be too much work for him and he wouldn’t continue it.

He told me he was working at the gym and taking a 2 week vacation to open the business. He bought a truck from his friend and opened the business with him.

Turns out he got fired from the gym. His friend said it was because he stole money out of a safe. Don’t know how much at this point and that could have been a lie – He said he wasn’t feeling well and would open up and then leave and have someone punch out for him and that is why he got fired.

I think he may have also had another accident with his other car and that is why he needed the truck.

He gave me 5400 to put in my account to “invest in our future.” I took it thinking that at least we would have a buffer and I fully expected the business to not work and figured he would take it back from me little by little which he did.

He and his friend painted my business which at the time i was putting my heart and soul into. They did such a crappy job, there was paint on my floor, they didn’t tape anything up. There were streaks everywhere and he left the glass from a broken vase all over my floor downstairs. I was livid. I was crying so hard that he could treat my business this way. But then I guess in his mind I never supported him in his business and never went to see the equipment that he was so excited about that he figured why care about mine” anyway” I told him I was breaking up with him and I wasn’t going to give him his money back!

That started this whole big mess. He told me I was being unfair and that he loved me so much he wanted this to work. I told him if he tried to take the money I would have him arrested. Bad mistake to do to him and I know I should have been more understanding. Maybe I am the evil one” I can’t tell anymore.

He had moved out six months before and got his own place which was “not good enough for me” and I never vistited it. He said he was lonely and it didn’t feel like home to him.

I think he then really had it in for me. He told me his cat died and he needed money – I gave it to him feeling really guilty about what I had done.

He told me he needed money for other bills and things, and I have it back to him” his money” I guess” and little by little things started breaking down again.

He texted me that he was in another car accident with the truck and that he had busted ribs. I could not figure out why he was in so many accidents and to this day I don’t know if he really crashed his truck, because his friend was telling me so many wild and crazy stories about him.

I told him I would give him the money to get the car fixed but he said no he would pay it in time.

Then I get a call from his friend saying that he hadn’t seen him in days and wasn’t working with him. He had been with me and telling me he was working when he wasn’t with me.

Then his friend told me that his cat never really died.

I was PISSED. I came home and he was here and I said it’s over I am done with you.

We got into a fight about the crashed car and the business. he said he didn’t want to work the business with his friend anymore and that he was just going to give it to him.

I was really upset now. There were other times where I took off the ring and broke up with him, and it always upset him.

I know I sound like the bad guy in this story”.

Anyway, I railed into him and told him to leave and I have him whatever cash I had.

He called me later saying he was going to kill himself. He called me to pick him up and I called his friend to go get him which he saw as a betrayal. He had razors and was threatening to cut himself.

I went to pick him up and didn’t want to take him to my place meanwhile he said he couldn’t go back to his apartment because of a girl that was there and I guess he had not been paying his rent. So many lied and mixed truths, I don’t know what really happened.

Then, he’s screaming and telling me I never loved him and threatening to cut himself. I tried to take him to the hospital but he wouldn’t go. Then I just left him on the side of the road because he kept jumping out of my car.

I felt so guilty and he showed up at my door an hour later all bloody. I cleaned him up and was so angry at him still. I could not find any compassion in my heart for him.’

(I sound like the sociopath don’t I?)

I felt I was being manipulated by his lies. I don’t know. I woke up the next morning and ripped into him about being weak and not getting his life together and stealing. His friend told me he was smoking pot all the time. That he was really sick all the time taking himself to the emergency room. I thought he might be doing other drugs too. I don’t know anymore.

He left and called me later or texted me saying he wanted to die. I told him he did all this to himself. That I wasn’t trying to keep his money and that I was just angry about all the things that had gone on.

Well I started speaking to people who were telling me yes he stole from the dry cleaners and yes he stole from all his employers including the gym. Though some of the storied were lies and others were half truths. I still couldn’t figure it all out.

He called me from the hospital and I visited him. He didn’t seem suicidal to me. He said he did that so his friend (with the landscaping business) wouldn’t have him arrested which made no sense. He said that is why he couldn’t go back to his apartment. His friend had told me the police were looking for him which turned out not to be true since I called them and they said no they weren’t.

Sigh.. it gets so much worse”..

I called him at the hospital and told him he was a liar and a thief and I wanted nothing to do with him and that I was going to inform his employers he was a thief and that he stole over 3 years of my life. He called me back and told me if i messed with him I would lose everything” where I lived, my business” everything I loved”. and that is what he has been doing” under the guise of love and getting pity out of me and making me feel guilty for having been mean to him.

I ended up getting calls from him on an unfamiliar number after he was released from the hospital. It turned out to be a girl’s number. He was stating he wanted to kill himself and that he was sleeping in the park with these people who were released with him from the hospital.

Oh GOD” it goes on”. and gets worse and worse.

I ended up tracing the number and went looking for him” at this address connected to the number which turned out to be this girl’s parents house who pegged me for a unknown stalker and filed a complaint against me. I was no royally pissed and ended up finding him at a motel with her.

After all we had been through he shacks up with some whore at a motel” I was jealous and pissed and also guilty because I felt I drove him to this. That I somehow played a part in all of it I did in some ways.

I picked him up from the motel and asked him if this is what he wanted. I would give him whatever money I could. He started crying saying he still loved me and wanted to be with me and he ditched the girl at the motel and came home with me. He cried on the floor and all over the place and begged me to take him to another hospital. Which I did. He was there for a week and I then picked him up and brought him home. I was still pissed about the girl and all the stories of stealing and the car wrecks and the lies about the cats and everything.

We went to my mom’s and she was taking his side which pissed me off. I said how could it be that all these people are lying about you stealing. I just wanted the truth. But he made it out like I was the monster. In some ways I was.

I told him to go back to his whore at the motel if that is the kind of life he wanted to lead.

Well, he started crying again saying I was killing him and that I he was just rying to love me. I felt guilty once again and said I was sorry I was just angry and confused” which I was.

Then, that night he leaves with a bottle of ambien, leaves all his clothes here and takes $420 out of my account. The money I didn’t care about really, but thought well maybe he really is going to kill himself. So I filed a missing persons report”. another big mistake since the police have me on file as a stalker already.

They find him and he tells them he’s happy and well and that I am just a jealous jilted girlfriend (which is not entirely untrue), but I filed the report because he had me so twisted up I didn’t know what was real and what was not.

(to be ocontinued”.)

Wednesday, 22 August 2007 @ 11:10am

holehearted says:
Oh man, then he has his friend file a complaint against me because I had been calling him and going there to drop off his clothes and things. I don’t thing I was harrassing them in anyway. I mean they were both telling me so much lies. I mean if his friend really was lying about him why would he give the business to him? Why would he make up with him right?

Oh it GETS WORSE!!

Once the police came to my house and told me about the call, I was DONE.

Then about 45 minutes later I get a text message from him saying he’s going to be court mandated to a mental institution. Which was yet another lie.

He then tells me he’s out of state. Another lie.

Then he tells me he is right around the corner but had to lie to me to protect himself from me because he was scared of me.

I of course FEEL GUILTY again. And he tells me he wants me to pick him up on such and such date a specific time. I know he is with this girl and this girl’s father (who happend to be a cop) actually told me his daughter was a mentally unstable as he is (meaning my ex). He tells me they are out to destroy my life.

So I don’t go but I figure if I give him more money – he won’t hurt me. I give him about another $600 through meeting him at the train station and putting it in the mailbox.

SIGH.. I wanted him back” I felt so guilty like it was all my fault and that now he was going to go and be happy with someone else. My BOND with him got stronger and stronger”. this crazy love thing. I can’t explain it.

Well – he keeps insisting that I pick him up and that he can’t stand to be without me and only wants me and doesn’t love her.

Okay so I am a sucker and I pick him up. Bring him home. Long story – longer” he’s smoking pot (now I am smoking with him too), then he is using my computer and the laptop and I see him looking at jewelry and starter pistols. I am pissed.

I make up a screen name to text this girl and find out what’s going on. I tell her to send me the emails (she thinks I am him at this point). She send me pictures of them in bed together and all these emails from him about how I am history and how he loves her. I AM FUMING!!!

I tell him she’s sending me this shit and he doesn’t know at that point that I am asking for it. I ASKED FOR IT! I am a moron and a loser. I am the crazy one right?

So I call her a whore and tell her she’s being used and manipulated. Meanwhile they have this devious plan against me I am assuming.

Well, he winds up getting my roommate’s credit card number and charging up all this jewelry and a starter pistol.

He had been saying he is going to commit suicide by cop. He also tried to charge up a hotel for 1500 and more jewelry for 700 but the card gets declined. Once we found out he took the card number, my roommate calls the credit card companies and has all the charges reveresed and calls the Sheriff. (let me remind you I have like three striked aganst me already witht he police 1. this girl’s fater 2. his friend’s complaint 3. him on the missing person’s report saying I am out to get him.

So he plan is to blame me for the charges and get me arrested”. I am now trying to do everything to avoid this.

Then I get the phone call that he is in the hospital again and that he had put a gun in his mouth and his girl found him and brought him to the hospital (she says it was all a hoax because he didn’t have any more money for the room).

Anyway I am again in the middle of lies and feel sorry for him. Yeah I do and the way he sounds is so sincere so real so pitiful. I tell him I am sorry for everything that has gone on and maybe we can forgive each other and start over.

I go visit him in the hospital (mind you the police are looking for him and I filed a statement saying he had a starter pistol).

Ugh It all seems so UNREAL!!! But I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Okay so I go see him and he says not to come up” now I know this other girl is there” his next accomplice/victim love of his life that he is going to marry and have kids with and be happy while I am here miserable after 4 years of torment.

I see her leave and just watch” Then a few minutes later he comes running out in his bare socks” he snuck out or he says he busted the doors down. Who knows and there they are walking together. I pull over and look at him like what the hell??? She doesn’t even look at me so I know she’s just nervous. He tells me he broke out! Then all these cops start arriving. I had to go to work” so I leave”. Yes I leave him there with all the cops and shit” Aweful right?

Anyway I call her later and ask her what happened and she tells me they took him back to the hospital.

Which they did and drugged him up and I am like okay enough is enough! I am done with all this.

Then I get another call the next day that he is transferred to yet another hospital!!! Yes back to one of the one’s I took him too.

Like a fool I feel bad and I go visit him for the whole week (cops are still looking for him – you would figure the cops that picked him up would have whatever”. )

The local cops don’t know anything through and I am too afraid to tell them where he is.

I am still in my mind trying to help him!!

I pick him up from the hospital and we go to a motel – since he can’t come to my house (credit card thing).

I am trying to work it all out saying just apologize you weren’t in your right mind” we can get a place together it will all be alright.

Well we leave that motel the next day and he has me pay for another and go home to get some clothes.

I get back to the motel and he’s GONE!!! I try to get my money back but they won’t reimburse me”. I talk the guy into giving me half back.

UGH!! I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I feel like maybe I was taken in by him from the beginning and he was just using me. Then I think maybe he really loved me and if only I had been more supportive of him and didn’t hurt him like I did.

So I call the police AGAIN!! To tell them that I was in touch with him and where he was the past few weeks. They are like do you know where he is NOW? Of course I don’t!

But I know he is with her and it is really pissing me off. I took him to get his haircut and he was so happy and I knew it was because he was going to go see her.

All this suicidal bullshit more lies and deception.

Part of me feels I deserve it.

Part of me feels like why should he go live a happy life now I am miserable” He should go to jail for all the crimes he commited. But I am afraid of him now. I am really thinking I am about to lose everything.

My roommate is pissed about the card and really wants me to move, I have not been working my business so it is failing. I am smoking like two packs a day. The cops think I am a crazy stalker who set up her ex boyfriend out of jealousy to get him arrested!!

And I am so depressed, miserable, alone, all my friends think I am nuts, no one will help me. I pray not to wake up in the morning. I think of him happy and frolicking with this other grils and that she is going to get the happy life with him I was supposed to have.

I feel cheated, manipulated, lied to. i feel like an abusive person for how I treated him through the relationshop. I am so confused angry hurt” I just don’t feel like I should live.

I feel like I deserve everything I get.

Please help!

I don’t know if this will make any sense or be helpful, but this is what I have come to — to deal with a sociopath, you sometimes need to find it in yourself to be a sociopath.

Here’s what I mean. One of the differences between us and sociopaths is that we feel for other people — appreciation, compassion, affection, pity, love, gratitude. It is our great weakness in the sociopath’s arena, and while we are feeling, they are thinking about how to use our feelings to get whatever is next on their endless lists of what they want. A correlary of that issue is that we believe in social contracts. I.e. that if we behave in a humane and caring fashion, other people will behave that way in return. Having no sense of emotional connection, the sociopath’s best guess at what a successful relationship entails is that it makes him feel good or powerful, and that usually equates to “winning.”

So the first thing I would suggest, if you can find it in yourself, is that you stop caring about him in any way, and also about social rules as they relate to him, and about any other rules, including legal or ethical ones that you can temporarily throw out the window. As you notice, he will use all the rules you believe in or feel you have to conform to against you, while breaking them all himself.

How can you do this, and hold onto your self-respect? Good question, and one that I thought about a lot after I threw my sociopath out, listening to him whine and cry about how he had no money, and I had promised this or that, and didn’t I love him. For a long time, I was afraid I had become just like him. And then I realized that I’d finally learned how to deal with him, or anyone else like him whose agenda was to take advantages of the kind and generous and caring aspects of my nature.

In “The Sociopath Nextdoor,” the three-strikes rule is very good for getting rid of one who is trying to get into your life. Three times they hurt you, and you get rid of them. But if you can’t do that, if it’s too late, you realize your life, heart, and ability to see clearly have been invaded by a parasite, the only solution is to take yourself back. And that means drop the gates, don’t confuse him with a human being or part of your life anymore, and start acting like a pest exterminator. Get out of the defensive mode, and do what it takes.

That means strap on your mental armor, view him as the enemy, and decide there is nothing more important than eliminating him. Because as long as he’s around, there isn’t.

I read your letter. It communicates two things. This man is making your life a living hell (and for the purposes of this exercise, anything that is happening to your children is about you, all of this is about you). The second is that you are listing all your failures and what you can’t do for one reason or another.

Change your mind. Sociopaths get a great deal out of cultivating the victim mentality in their targets. It is what makes it possible for them to get what they get out of you. Make up your mind to hold onto yourself and your life, and surface your anger about what he is doing. Anger is the thing that helps you separate what is inside you and outside you. And the thing you have to get a clear grip on is that he is something bad that is happening outside of you. The inside of you is your own. The normal healthy response to something bad happening outside yourself is to get away from it, and if you can’t get away from it, make it go away.

I am not suggesting that you plan on murdering him, but the headset I am suggesting isn’t that far away. This is not going to make you a murderer forever, anymore than temporarily acting like a sociopath is going to make you a sociopath forever. It is just digging into yourself for the logical coldness and the determination to own your own life that you need to deal with this insect.

And then believe — BELIEVE — you are right, that you have right on your side, that any logical and humane person or system would see that you are right, and go to work on fixing this situation. And don’t back down. I’m in New York, and in this state a private person can file motions and appeals on forms you can obtain from the clerk of court’s office. That’s a start. Tell your own story with facts, just what happened, and express your concern for your daughter.

Beyond that, here are some things that I did to get my sociopath not just to go away, but to not even think about playing around in my life again.

I told him that I would sue him for civil damages for losses I sustained while I was with him. I told him that I have written down the entire story of our time together, and it is with my lawyer, and all the law enforcement agencies in my town and in towns I regularly travel to have been given his name in case something happens to me.

I told him that if he ever seeks or obtains employment in my field or within my reach, I will call that company and tell them that he will steal from them and that he will use a woman to obtain their financial records. I don’t care if it’s illegal to do that. I don’t care if he gets an injunction. I don’t care if I wind up in jail. There are computers and telephones in jail and I will not stop. I stayed on top of him on Google, and I joined every professional association he joined in any realm he could touch me or I’d know about him.

I also made an effort to get in touch with every ex I could find, and prepared a document about our common experiences. And I let him know I was doing that, in case I ever needed it.

I told him that I have already talked to a lawyer who is prepared to mount criminal charges against him for physical abuse and theft, if he comes near me or near anyone I know. I am “lucky” enough that his mother got involved in an attempt to steal $20,000 from my company, so his mother is included in that threat.

I didn’t have a child involved, but if there had been one, I would have told him that I will do whatever it takes to get him out of my life. If he wants the child, I might let him have her. Or I might decide to kill her and go to jail, rather than have her destroyed by him. But at this point, it’s going to be something like that. And if I decide to take her to somewhere else, and he shows up, I’ll have a gun and a large dog, and if I go down, I won’t go down alone.

Now, you may think I sound crazy. And frankly, I had to get myself pretty revved up to do these things. But I want you to know that he totally disappeared from my professional world, which was previously his best place to make money and hunt for victims. And though his current girlfriend came from the town next door, I don’t believe he has ever come back to this area. Because he is scared of me, and that’s exactly the way I want it.

The other thing you may notice from all this is that I had to make up my mind that there was nothing in the world that was more important than getting rid of him. Getting him out of MY life. And I emphasize “my” because you can get distracted by issues of him victimizing other people. The first and probably only thing you have to do with is changing his mind about making you his target. You’re clearly the targetnow. You know that. He gets his jollies from either exploiting you or making you suffer. It is that supply line you have to cut off.

Sociopaths like low-hanging fruit, people who will agree to be exploited and controlled. If they have to work for it, they lose interest. Likewise, if there is a threat of law enforcement, they wil definitely run the other way. They like their freedom. They tend to go where they’re not known, and try to obscure their real history so poeple can’t find out about the wreckage they’ve left behind.

To simplify all this, you’re being bullied. And though you’re a grown-up woman, he is making you feel helpless and hurt and afraid. It is this you have to fight, not him.

Odd it as may sound, in the years I was involved with the sociopath and in the recovery afterwards, there was a part of me that was getting stronger, at the same time I was breaking down. Because he forced me to look inside myself for what I believed about myself and my life. It started out with me thinking I’m really not that ugly, old, fat, stupid, etc. as he says. And it ended up, these days, with me thinking that he is pathetic, someone who can’t take care of himself like a grown up, and so lives as a parasite with a big, flashy, scary exterior masking an empty place where all the heart, values and connections of a real human would be. I’m the strong one. He’s the weeny.

Go after him. Hold onto your truth, and don’t back down. Be willing to lose everything, if you have to. Sometimes that’s the only mental stance that works. And if you doubt you can be as a big a sociopath as he is, trust me, you can be. If you want your life back badly enough. Fight for yourself, and you may be surprised at what you can do.

I disagree sociopaths ‘like low-hanging fruit’…at least not all. Mine had great fun with the challenge!!! I guess he figured if he could control and manipulate me, he have the world under his thumb. However, I am hoping now that he knows the jig is up he’ll move on to greener pastures. I’d be relieved for myself and children and scared for her!

Hi duped.
The sociopath that you were involved with, may have SEEN you as, “low hanging fruit” and set himself out to prove that you were an easy pick. The challenge is: to prove that you were an easy pick.

It’s all a game with them. When the succeed in hurting us, they get the fruit of their labor ,and snack on it quite greedily.

After 27 years, I’m making him choke on his meal and I will be his worst nightmare for the rest of his life, in one way or another; but for the most part: by holding him to words that he said himself and making him chew and swallow them over and over and over and over.

My ex coerced and bribed me into signing a decree that raped me financially and devastated the children.

Although we were eating off of a food shelf and qualifying for food stamps, medical and cash assistance, I did not qualify for legal aid because our state does not help with modifications. Even though he was defrauding us, neglecting the orders and physically abusing the children.

Thank God for my husband who, worked hard to keep us afloat while I enrolled in online college. Because of my 3.65 grade average I qualified for a student loan which paid my $9,000 retainer for my attorney.

It has been almost 2 long hears of hoop-jumping and attorney games but I am finally getting a hearing for 4-5 hours this month.

And isn’t it something? it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/10/print/20071001-3.html

No matter what happens in court, I know that I have jumped every hoop placed before me, and although I have failed at times by displaying anger and distress to my children (making me look worse than him) I know in my heart that I have overcome great challenges and I will never quit at holding him accountable for his mean-spirited, criminal actions.
This info helped me get my head straight as to my rights, and what exactly took place:
http://www.hrw.org/reports/2003/nepal0903/3.htm

Hang in, Theresa, I have learned that pressing on is an option worth taking.

I don’t know where to go from all of this…I am convinced I am in a relationship with a sociopath…and I tell him all the time even though he gets pissed…but my story is somewhat…not a lot different but different. My sociopath always tries to push me away. when we met I had just suffered a nervous breakdown and lenghthy separation from my now ex. he helped me and my son with bills and self-esteem but never touched me physically. He did however, dominate certAIN ASPECTS OF MY LIFE (I ALLOWED HIM TO) I was getting my Masters degree (he helped me get it too) but he took my raggedy truck from me pretending to get it fixed while sending drivers or letting me drive his vehicles then he pissed me off and i threatened him for not giving me my truck back after three months. he reported my vehicle abandoned then pretended that a neighbor did it and wouldn’t take me anywhere anymore. I got my own truck back just to show him fuck you. Mind you he would let me drive his expensive cars and trucks. I drove my raggedy truck around like it was his Benz. He owned many of the homes in our neighborhood and had lots of money and power and still does, so I was afraid for my life cause I threatened him so bad. Nobody talks to him like that, although I genuinely loved him and he never physically hurt me. but he stalked me somewhat. He divorced I moved and we fought for a year…only verbally…he cancelled me out of his life and my egotistical ass couldn’t handle the rejection. finally I received a large sum of money and called him back into my life…why or lord why? We have been very intimate and have a ball when we are together but he will not commit and has hit me up for over 10K and i am pissed. he found me a home that i paid cash for and will help me when he gets ready but he is such a scary psycho type that I don’t know how to break away. He says he will not penetrate me cause he wants us to stay friends and not complicate things by sex but we do everything else and he keeps hitting me up for money. I also have close ties with his children. Although he says we dont go together, I told him about an old beau who was helping my son get a job and the next thing i know the windows on my car were busted out twice…i rationalized it wasnt him cause he’s too money hungry to make me waste two deductibles but now I’m not so sure. He treats me indiffernetly when I am all over him and stalks me when I ignore him but that still doesn’t make him feel bad about lying or not keeping dates or business arrangements…It’s a viscious rollercoaster, especially because I really love him. He has Tourette Syndrome and I heard Bipolar disorder but I am bipolar and dont do dirty crap to people and Im honest and trustworthy. I don’t know who or what I am dealing with…I just want to feel safe in moving on. His friends and guys that work for him on houses etc. treat me like a queen and are afraid of him and jump when he says frog and are always amazed when I say we don’t go together…they say he loves the hell out of me but he wont tell me that nor make full love to me. He is a control freak and I bitch and fuss and cuss him out and tell him what a satan he is and he hardly ever verbally fusses at me, cause I would cry like a baby if he said some of the stuff to me that I say to him but only when he hurts my feelings, intelligence or acts indifferent about doing low-down shit to me. He is patient and nothing bothers him and I just dont know what to think…i know I have dependency issues but I do my thing(I have all my friends and family and am not isolated or any of that) but I never cheat on him and am loyal to only him and he knows that and I am afraid that if i leave that he will harm me or my family cause he is a gangster in our town. I cant even believe i am posting this because anyone knowing our story will know who this is. I left many details out but I really would like some feedback from everyone. He is very mannerable, we can talk about anything and we do…its scary though, he remembers every freaking thing I have ever said to him from 2004 til now. He does all kinds of wonderful things for people but expects things in return that you don’t see coming. He has more patience than a saint. I just know that he will con you into business deals and then keep lying that he is gonna come through and then not feel bad when he doesn’t. Player or sociopath or both. I love my house but not how he took my money and then didn’t complete all the work. I am not a meek receptor though…I go off and threaten and sometimes it works, other times he really hurts my feelings and leaves me hanging. he has this new crying wolf game that he has done 3 times in the last month…He’ll call and say he ran out of gas to see if i will come to his rescue and of course I always say yes but am pissed and then he says naw I’m just f’in with you but thank you. I’m pissed that I keep passing the test cause there have been some life events in my family that he hoed me on and I don’t ever know when he can be trusted but I am afraid to let go. Your thoughts?

khatalyst – you don’t sound crazy to me. My motto for some time now has been, “No mercy.” When I have the opportunity to foil his plans, get the police involved, humiliate him, or whatever, I take it. I merely treat him as he treated me and mine, with “no mercy.”

I don’t break the law, but I surely “skirt” the edges of it. The only way to “deal” with a sociopath (when no contact is not an option) is to treat them like they treat you and everyone else.

Good morning – Today is the day I go to a status hearing against the S for contempt charges, filed by the DA, for failure to pay child support. I am going to be no more than 5 feet from him in the courtroom..separated for contact only, by his attorney. Last time 1/16/08, he was ordered to make 10 job contacts a week. I am bringing a list of the phone numbers of his friends to discredit his list. The judge also allowed him to have his drivers license back so that there was nothing stopping him from getting a job, which I completely understand. When we left the court house, he passed me and snickered at me like a 7-year-old on a playground. He tells lies to his attorney, who then is used to Suborn perjury. Today, they are either going to move forward to a trial, or he is going to be given another 10 weeks to make job contacts. He is a music producer and has no wage earning job. He has clients that come to his studio at his house and pay him to make music for them for Demos at 400 to 500 bucks a pop. All under the table, tax free money…and when he is not doing that, he unloads moving trucks for cash. Proving he has an income is difficult, the saving grace is he is very healthy looking and groomed, and is not living on the street. Proving he is not destitute.

Last time he commented on my weight, my make-up, my hair and the clothes I was wearing. He is using my vanity against me…and I just don’t want to hear it. I know it is a game, a ruse, a gaslight attempt – but none-the-less…isn’t this one reason why I went no contact? You know, so I could HAVE a self esteem.

Well, I am gonna go pull myself together now and get ready for “the Show”. He loves drama…he didn’t even get served legally, he just knew there was a hearing from the attempts at service and showed up for the first hearing..it has now been drawn out 4 months total. He has plead not guilty to contempt of the court order.

Ok – don’t wish me luck. Positive thoughts towards the universe for ending this issue in short order would be great. Have a great day ladies.

RW

Here is a comment which rings true when dealing with a sociopath in a divorce or any other situation….it is about ‘who can stand on the log longer’.
Quote from:
http://firstwivesworld.com/resources/resource-articles/surviving-your-divorce-integrity-and-strength

“Does divorce ever end? The answer, predictably, is “Yes,” but not until you’ve reached the end of your patience, logic, optimism and reasonableness. Because, you see, that’s exactly the point: The divorce wars have little to do with Mediation or Courts or even which spouse is the more childish of the two. It’s about power and who can manage to stand on the log longer before toppling off, into the rushing water below.

If you really want to make it to the shore of singledom without finding yourself tossed into shark-infested waters, learn the art of endurance. Exercise until the sweat gushes from pores and glands you didn’t know you had; take a Yoga class and learn discipline of the mind, spirit and body.

Build up your strength from within and get ready to stick to what you want like a barnacle to a shipwreck. After you’ve proven your tenacity, it won’t matter whether it’s a mediator or a lawyer assisting you on this voyage: You’ll have set your course and now all you’ll need to do is steer towards your goal.”

My brother said to me the other day, “in the battle between the rock and the stream, the steam wins through persistence.”

I am the STREAM! : )

In the spirit of keeping this metaphor chain going….

“We (empaths) are the Everlit Candles on the birthday cake of life!”

~FYI….Everlit Candles are the ones that never go out. 🙂

I’ve never been one for waiting around or taking my time, I prayed to God one day and I just said “Lookk here, God, I want PATIENCE AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW! Well, he gave me things to TEACH ME PATIENCE—tribulation worketh patience, so HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER, just NOT the way I expected, so BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR you may just GET IT!

Patience is a difficult thing, and it relies on great strength. The old “fools RUSH in where angels fear to tread” can well be used to calll this old woman a FOOL.

I just couldn’t wait for things to PLAY OUT, I had to stir them up, and BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE. I had to prove how I could “take care of the situation” in a fight with the Ps. My arrogance at how I was gonna fix this situation was the thing that brought me to my LOWEST EBB where if I had kept my mouth SHUT and exercised some PATIENCE things would have been much better.

That’s why I think that we must come into some better ideas for protecting ourselves than just running head long into the fray with the psychopath.

Look at snakes. They don’t starve to death, yet they do move slowly, they WAIT and exercise patience and persistence and they succeed by striking quietly, my moving quietly and not giving themselves away.

Glaciers actually MOVE MOUNTAINS but they do it slowly!

A tree that tries to stand its ground in a storm topples over and is killed, uprooted out of the ground and loses, but the GRASS BENDS and survives, I’ve been a TREE way too much of my life, and I am learning to be the GRASS that bends and lives.

BTW this is a great article. Thanks EB for bringing it up. Another one I missed….can’t be many more I missed.

Patience and steadfastness has been my friend.
I have alwyasy been tenacious…..but not patient.
I’ve shared before how i learned patience.
It was when spath kidnapped my kids…….and my first reaction was to react, find them and bring them back home.
I was strongly advised not to……and my body wouldn’t let me.
I sat ‘paralyzed’ in the recliner for 2 weeks…..
I decided to go through with my radiation and treatments and allow the kids the time to figure it out on their own….the spath lies of me not being sick and faking it …..
It was the hardest 3.5 months of my life……and each minute I had to remind myself…..they WILL see this……I taught them right from wrong…..I modeled good parenting…..they will see this for what it is…..
And eventually……they did!
At that point I was convinced that everything happens for a reason…..good/bad and indifferent.
The reason my kids were taken…..was to teach me patience and caring for myself.
I took these lessons into the courtroom with me…..empowered as hell!!!!

Dear EB,

If I made a list of the lessons I have learned through “tribulations” and used a roll of toilet paper to write it on, they don’t make them that long. The list is endless, but the best way to deal with it is to look for the LESSON in each of the things we face…and find that lesson andn LEARN IT.

What will help me be smarter, wiser, more patient, stronger?

We can find a LESSON THAT BENEFITS us in any interaction with someone or something that is difficult…it isn’t by having this wonderful life and NO problems that we grow, it is by overcoming problems that we become stronger.

We have to EXERCISE every portion of ourselves in order to strengthen it. If we never exercised our moral compass we would not have a strong one. The person who has never been tempted and over come it is not as strong against temptation as one who has, one who has never experienced grief doesn’t have the durability that one who has had losses previously. Using muscles makes us strong, using our mind makes it stronger, etc. Exercising patience helps us the next time we need to be patient. Rushing head long into something without thinking gets us BOINKED !!!!

Experiencing the dark, lets the light shine brighter.

http://www.womenexplode.com

1st: I chose this screen name from a Christian Rock song by Addison Road.

One of my favorite lines is:
“Even when your heart’s been broken,
He’ll be there with arms wide open.
Be strong and his love will lead you to fight another day”

2nd: Is there a way I can change my assigned password? It’s really hard to memorize.

3rd: I need some help editing a letter I need to sent to Spath. I will also be writing a letter to the court explaining the situation, including the notice from my bank requesting a date change.

Here is the letter I need suggestions for changes for:

“Spath,
I have received the court summons from the Justice Court of the Town, to appear in court as a defendant to your claim for your half of the refund of $ ($) on _____.

The Bank has already informed me that you filed a claim against them, and they have withdrawn $ from my account with which to award you.

I contacted the court and informed them of such. They stated that for the hearing to be canceled, and the judgment to be dropped, you must put the request in writing.

Since the claim is already settled, and I will be on vacation with son that week, please write a letter to the court explaining that the claim has been settled and you are dropping the judgment against me.

Thank you.
FightAnotherDay

P.S. I don’t know why you would not have chosen a different court date since you were aware of my vacation time, or why you would have filed a claim against me, since my attorney already admitted to my depositing the check and informed your attorney that we would take it out of the money you owed me, or that you would not have canceled the hearing by now, since the money was withdrawn from my account on ____.”

No, no,no……
No PS and no vacation statementns.
Keep it ALLLLLLL BUSINESS!

The minute he knows it’s an inconvenience to you…..it makes it all worthwhile to him.

So he KNEW you were scheduled for vaca that week…….well, there’s your answer.
Can you file a counter suit on HIM…..for legal fees, vacation expenses or time missed from work etc….
I think your gonna have to MAKE him think twice about dropping it at the last minute or taking you in under a false claim.

-OR- reschedule the hearing yourself due to your conflict….THEN counter sue him!

Erin,

Yes. Indeed. If I counter sue I can change the date too.

Thank you for your help. I am always so tempted to tell him what a dumbarse he is.

Okay. I made those changes. Should I inform him that if he fails to drop the claim I have no other option than to file a counter claim.

don’t fall for temptations dear…..NEVER!!!!
I’ts the lovely poisen apple!

Dear Spath,
This issue, Case # xxxx, had been settled on X DATE, in X COURT, and $$$ reimbursement was paid to you on XX DATE to satisfy this order. (Enclose documents/cancelled check, supporting this)
I expect this suit to be dropped immediately and the court to be informed this issue has previously been settled..
If I am not notified that this suit has been dropped on or before 12pm July 9th, 2010, I will be forced to file a counter suit in order to make me whole from expenses required to defend myself against this malicious and redundant situation.

Thank you in advance for taking immediate action on this matter.
Regards,
xxxx

Something like above…..don’t give him much time….a few days….I don’t know whnen your court date is, AND be prepared to counter sue and file on the date you give him to drop this suit.
Don’t threaten something you won’t follow through with.

Good luck!

EB, when are you going to go to school to either be a paralegal or a lawyer? QUIT WAISTING your time! ENROLL NOW!

Ya know oxy moxy……I don’t think I could retain the info anymore….after the strokes.

Most of my life now is spent ‘winging’ it with the memory! 🙂

Thanks again. I did use part of your rendition. LOL

Now, back to the hair cuts.

Spath cut my littles guy’s hair when he was about 17 mos.
I’d really like to see it long. I think when you are so young is the only time a boy can get away with it, but I don’t know what that looks like since the spath has cut his hair every 6 weeks. The worst part, it’s never a good cut. It looks like whoever does it isn’t skilled at all, or at least not with small children.

I have never said anything.

My attorney is always reminding me that spath should have a say because we have joint legal custody, but he goes on vacation and wont tell me where, and has cut our son’s hair 6 times now without consent OR notice.

Perhaps the most aggravating part is that he also submits the receipts to me, as if a hair cut is health care.

Do I at least try to tell him I’d like to grow it out a bit, or continue to roll with the punches?

FAD:
I’d leave it alone.
Obviously, your not gonna get jr’s hair long without spath cutting it……that’s a given.
So….if you really don’t like the cut, shake it up and deliver him to pops with a fresh haircut every 5 1/2 weeks, from a stylist of your choice.
Beat him to the punch.
It depends on how important it is to you.
I will assure you…..a court will not rule on haircuts…..and spath knows this.

I also hope your not reimbursing him for the HC’s.
Each parent is required to provide necesities for child while in their care. If spath chooses to get his haircut….he pays. If you take him….you pay.
It’s like spath asking for meal reimbursements when he’s with him, and vacation expense reimburesements…..because he pays YOU child support. Uh…..NO!

You are in a punching match with spaths GF. Over words.
It’s nitpicky and I would suggest finding a way to build a ‘bridge’ on this one.
If your child is young, and it sounds like he is……your in for a long road and it will get worse.
If he knows it bugs you that they take vacations……he’s gonna find a way to get to you.
The more verbal your child gets’, the more you will know.
Find a balance that YOU can live with….without creating or participating in THEIR adversity.
Keep a smile and fake it till ya make it!!!
You can’t ask a spath for anything you would ‘like’…..that is a guarentee you WON”T get it!!!
Take control and let it be known by your simple expectations that YOU are in control.

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