Many people write to Lovefraud seeking advice for the situations they find themselves in due to a sociopath. I do my best to help, but sometimes the sociopath has created so much trauma that I feel like my suggestions are inadequate.
Reproduced below is an e-mail exchange between a woman who faces a nearly impossible situation—we’ll call her Theresa—and myself. If you have any suggestions that may help her, please post them in a comment.
Theresa’s first letter
When I met my husband he was divorced (three times) and had joint custody of his biological son and stepdaughter. At the time it appeared as though he was this loving and caring dad, and he was so convincing that I was the one person that made his custody case a slam dunk for him and he won custody of his biological son and stepdaughter. Now looking back, I see that was all a ploy, he was just doing that because I had a passion for the children’s well being. I’m afraid the things he was telling me about his ex-wife back then were all lies and I feel terrible.
I also helped my husband build his company so he could work for himself, and the whole time I helped he would never listen to what I was telling him about his spending habits, then the affairs, the abuse etc. At one point he told me that if we ever got divorced that it would be his word against mine and he would win, and that he could pass any psych tests they threw at him or any guardian ad litem, etc., etc. He said that he was able to pass the psych test to get in the Army he could pass anything. Every time we went to a counselor, he would always find a way to make them believe him and he would spin everything around to make me look terrible, when it was just the opposite.
Eventually his business failed and our bills were not being paid, but he would still pay his employees. I had to get a job, and after 20 days on the job, I had to go out of town on a business trip. He was watching all of our kids, and I received a phone call from my oldest daughter letting me know he was moving and I was out of town and could do nothing about it. I came home and he was gone and so were my two step kids, the bank account was overdrawn and he left me in over 16K worth of bills, I almost lost my house, my car and my job. My mom emptied her 401K so I could get the house out of foreclosure.
We have a daughter together and she lives with me, but he does see her every other weekend, and the only reason he does is to torment me, he does not want her or care about her, he is just using her. He had no contact with her when she was a baby and now all of a sudden he is trying to portray he is this wonderful father, when he is not. He served me with divorce papers a few months later after he moved out, and I made a parenting plan and presented it to his attorney and my husband told me that he will not agree to anything I put together, and that either I sign what he gave me or he will just keep fighting till he wins.
I have no money, my utilities keep getting turned off, so I can’t afford an attorney and he has one, I have no way to prove all the terrible things he has done. And when I did talk to the attorneys they said he may be a bad father, but he hasn’t broken any laws. So I really don’t have a leg to stand on. But my stepson is just like his father, dangerous, and there is little supervision but I can’t prove anything. Especially with no money, what can I do to protect my little girl from this monster?
My husband is living with his mom and he just bought a new truck, and is planning on moving in with his new girlfriend, and we are not even divorced. He left me is such financial despair I don’t know how to get my head above water, and fight for my daughter.
It’s really weird when the abuse happened, I would take pictures and hide my camera but he always found it and erased the pictures. And when I would defend myself he would run around the house in front of the kids and scream “no violence, no violence” so I looked like the abuser and not him. How do you fight against this type of person?
Lovefraud’s response
I am so sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, the behavior you describe in your husband is typical of a sociopath.
First of all, you should do everything you can to get an attorney. It is almost impossible to represent yourself against a sociopath in court and have anything come out favorable to you. Some states require a spouse with assets to pay for the legal representation of the spouse without assets. You may also qualify for aid through government resources or a women’s shelter. Contact a domestic violence shelter—they see this type of behavior all the time and may be able to direct you to legal representation.
Make sure the lawyer understands what he or she is dealing with—the sociopath will lie in court and will not follow established rules. The attorney must be very aggressive. Your husband will probably also submit false evidence. Do not allow anything that is not true become part of the court record. Some attorneys will say, “don’t worry about that.” This is terrible advice when dealing with a sociopath.
It is critical to document everything that happens. I recommend you get the book Win Your Child Custody War. It is somewhat expensive—$75—but it is worth the investment. At least it will tell you what to expect.
While all this is going on, you should maintain a policy of “No Contact” as much as possible. Every time you have contact with the man, it will be an opportunity for him to manipulate you. If you do have to see him, bring a witness.
If you are awarded child support, you can be sure that he will resist paying it. The best thing that could happen to you is that the guy is out of your life, and your daughter’s life, forever. If you can swing it, you may want to offer a deal that he gives up his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay child support. He’ll never pay anyway so you won’t lose anything.
May I reproduce your letter for a future blog article? I receive many letters like it (at least you are not alone).
Theresa’s reply
Well, I have tried all the legal aid routes but since I have no proof of abuse, they said they can not help me. He currently pays child support although there is no order yet; his child support worksheet is a lie, but because I do not have the money to prove it, there is nothing I can do about it. But he pays it, because he is trying to look good in the eyes of the judge, who we have not seen yet. He told me that I could never get rid of him and he will always be part of our daughter’s life and that’s why I can’t get rid of him.
When we were living under the same roof, he used to sleep with a knife under his pillow, and then whisper in my ear “you never know when I will have a flashback.” Or all the times he took pictures of his private areas and sent them to other women; made lies about hundreds of dollars he withdrew from the bank; leaving pornographic material in the bathroom for my 12 year old to see; how he took 150 mg of his son’s medication and walked around like a zombie, but then lied about it and made me look crazy in front of his counselor. But I have no proof so it does not matter in the eyes of the court. It stinks that he can get away with being a bad parent as long as he is not breaking the law. He’s really good at portraying himself to others as the victim. I have had his friends call me and tell me that it is good that I divorced him, and I have to tell them that I didn’t, he left me. Everyone in town thinks he is the poor victim, once again.
Sure, you can use my story, I doubt it will help anyone; it certainly isn’t helping me at all. The law is not on my side, and I feel so helpless, and he gets to get away with it all and there is nothing I can do, because of the financial ruin he left me in.
He is taking our daughter for a week visitation and I can’t stop him, even though I know she will not be cared for the way she should. It all boils down to money, even when it comes to the safety of our kids.
His son is just like him, and dangerous for sure. For example, his son started a fire in the bathroom, because he did not want to wait for me to get him a Kleenex box he needed for a school project. I told him I would get one for him after he finished his homework, but instead he went into the bathroom and burned the Kleenex in the Kleenex box and when it got out of control for him he doused it all in water; he was seven years old at the time. He also went into my bathroom and stole my wedding ring, to this day I don’t know what happened to it; he told so many lies about what he did with it. At one point he told me it was in the school park, so I got a metal detector and scanned the entire playground and it never was found. Then he said it was behind the books in the school library, and it went on and on. He also will urinate in other places of the house besides the toilet when he does not get his way, or use his bowel movements as paint in the bathroom; scare his little sister with a robot and make her scream at the top of her lungs; shows her how to take a stick and poke fire ant hills; or dig a hole in the back yard and poop. And yet, I can’t do anything about it because I’m broke and he looks like an angel.
I feel terrible for Theresa’s predicament. I wonder if you could contact your husband’s first wife. Maybe together you could show the court what kind of man he really is. She could serve as a witness for your case. She may have some kind of evidence that will help you.
Also, I would make sure that you document all the abuse you and your kids have endured from this man. Make it part of the court record now”because it will help you in the future if/when you end up in court again. In my case, my first lawyer advised me not to include the abuse as part of the divorce because it would just make the divorce messy. She advised me to make the divorce about the money and assets only. This is bad advice when the ex is a sociopath. You want everything documented. All the horrible things you listed in your story make sure to include in your case to the court.
Unfortunately, it may be that your ex will get shared custody. There may be nothing you can do about this, but you can make sure that the visitation agreement is cut and dry. Make sure it spells out exactly how the arrangement will work. My agreement is very vague. It states my ex will see the kids every other weekend and we will share holidays. It also says he will have two weeks of vacation during the summer. My ex has used the vagueness of the agreement to his advantage. When I have called the police when he has violated the agreement, they will tell me that the way the agreement reads they can not be sure who should have the children, and so are unable to bring them back. They don’t know whose weekend it is. If the agreement stated that the ex had the children during the first weekend of every year and then every other weekend there after, then this would clarify exactly whose weekend it is. Also, my ex has used the holiday agreement to read that he can have the children for half of every holiday day and has also used it to say, “I have this Christmas”you have next Christmas” Whatever benefits him at the time”and the police can not follow the order because it is so unclearly written. He has also used the agreement to support his taking of the children during the summer without my permission. The agreement says he has two weeks, so on several occasions he has used the agreement to take the children and say it was one of his vacation days. Make your agreement rock solid. Make sure there is only one way to interpret it. This will help you because it will lessen the amount of times you need to talk to your ex and will also clarify the arrangement for your daughter. If he violates the order at all, make sure to document it with the police. This will be part of your records for future court involvement. I would also be aware of your daughter’s phone contact with her dad. My ex used this as a way to cause conflict in our house. He made his presence known over the phone. He would literally talk to my kids all night. He would ask the kids what was for dinner. What is mom wearing? What is in mom’s medicine cabinet? On many occasions I still can hear my ex call me derogatory names and insults over the phone. When this happens, I now end the call ASAP. I also set limits on how much time is spent talking to dad. My kids are grateful for this because often they stay on the phone out of obligation and fear of their dad’s anger if they hang up.
The other thing I would do is read about parental alienation. I was unaware of this phenomenon when I first divorced. It is very likely that your hateful ex will start to fill your daughter’s head with untruths about you. There are books that will help you to respond to these accusations from the start. I found these books really helpful. I also just read Dr. Leedom’s book Just Like His Father? I wish I had read this book earlier. It will help you understand your daughter’s development and understand how you can positively influence her environment as best you can. Even though her dad is so horrible, you can be sure to do everything you can to help her grow to an adult with good character.
I know financially custody battles can be horrible, especially when you are left paying the bills from the marriage. You have to do the best you can with what you have. Write down what you want before going into court and DON”T give in to anything less!!!! Stick to your guns for what is right. The lawyers will try to get you to compromise, but you can’t. You are not dealing with a normal person. The lawyers will give your husband the benefit of the doubt that he is basically normal, but you know otherwise, so DON’T give in”you’ll be sorry in the future.
My ex always pays his child support. In fact, he recently upped the amount on his own! He does everything right that can be seen in public. That is very important to sociopaths”how they are viewed in public. You can bet that my ex is telling the town”what a great guy he is and the courts will think he is a great guy. It’s all part of his game.
We have to figure out a way to band together and fight them. Other victims have organizations why can’t we? With an organization we can lobby for our rights and the rights of children.
Why don’t you leave country? I am serious.
I discovered lately that i was a sociopath…. and i’m sorry but i have to say that there is nothing you can do. It’s just life, you meet good or bad people, have this or that problem, you don’t need to marry a sociopath in order to have issues in your life, don’t put all the guilt on our shoulders. Plus it’s not our fault, blame God for making us what we are. It’s half genetics, and half environment.
Your hatred/disgust for sociopaths is insane. We are victims too, can’t live normal lives.
Regards
To Sociapath23 I love it when sociopaths comment on anti-sociapath web sites. Probably an egotistical attempt to gain sympathy(try to fool us one more time). First of all your not “sorry” at least in the emotional definition. Next “nothing you can do” This website is what we can do and it’s just the beginning. “Don’t need to marry a sociopath to have issues in your life”. Very true I lived with a meth addict for 3 1/2 years ( a walk in the park compared to 1 year with a sociopath).”it’s not our fault blame god” Failure to accept responsibility for ones own actions (straight from the PCL).”Your hatred/disgust for sociopaths is insane” (Ya we’re the ones with the problem). Not insane very justified. Something you will never understand beings you lack the emotions necessary to be harmed in the way we have.”We are victims too” (Poor Pity the sociopath). You would have my sympathy Sociopath23 unfortunately another sociopath beat you to it. And now I have NO SYMPATHY FOR SOCIOPATHS !!!!!!
Everytime I read things here, I see two things. I see my ex “bad man” for what he is… AND.. I see that I got off lucky compared to some of the stories I have read here, Still, my time was truly a nightmare. Oh, how I can relate to the spin of a sociopath. It is a sickening feeling when they make you look like a nut job and they look like an angel. I do believe that in time, their true identity will close in on them. I can only hope. I do wonder if there is something we can do to band together. People’s lives are destroyed and yet the sociopath has done nothing wrong? There is no law against that? There should be! Please count me in if there is ever a way to work on this with creating legislation. My email address is: iseethebeach@juno.com. I don’t mind posting it because it’s my junk address but I still check it every day. I wish I had some advice for this woman but all I can say is, there are people who do understand. Oh, and one more thing… I work for child protective services. Perhaps you can find something on him, any morsel that can get these children removed from him care. Then he can visit the children, supervised by a social worker who can keep him from manipulating them and making disparaging comments about you.
“Why don’t you leave country? I am serious.”
That would be a mistake. There is nowhere to hide these days. She would just get picked up in some other country, go straight to jail and the child goes straight to the socio. Very problematic.
I’m truly sorry for the situation you are in. I wish I had some advice for you. If your power gets turned off, you certainly can’t buy the recommended books, nor hire an attorney. You could try one who will represent you pro-bono. Get a some journals from the “Dollar Store” and start documenting everything” EVERYTHING. Whom, what, where, time, site incident, what was said by child, socio or anybody, the weather at the time, what was on TV when it was said, who else was there, every minute detail. If you can’t do something that needs to be done, the socio might find out, so document what it was, what prevented you from doing it, and what your plan was/is.
I don’t know what state you are in but the divorce process is written out, what happens and when, what forms are needed, instructions and help for those having to do it on their own” Get your court house up on your puter, and start educating yourself, you can do it, you ill fill a waiver form and file it, so your fees will be free. That is a confidential doc that your husband should not be able to see.
I was raised by a socio, I was FORCED to marry a socio, had one child, divorced, remained single for nearly 10 years, I was so afraid of men, by the time I remarried I had received much therapy, but still made a mistake in the opposite direction, I married a man who was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder with periodic psychotic episodes, we had two children (A Beautiful Mind, I don’t think so), divorced again and he remarried, to a socio! They started the parental alienation, my daughter became a cutter and claims to have had many OBE’s, my son turned mute, and was placed in Special Ed, when he started talking we could barely understand a word he said, he would become so frustrated he rarely spoke. His step mother scared him with guns, pushed him down stairs when he introduced her as his step-mother (instead of mom), he hates me, and I’m afraid of him.
I’ve been burned, stabbed, raped, choked till I blacked out, kidnapped, taken way out into the ocean on a tiny boat and told I’d be dumped there, thrown out of moving vehicles, watched my baby being dangled over a railing from the second story, “stay with me or I’ll drop her”, and I believed him, he dropped her on the kitchen floor when she was only four months old, I ran across the living room and dove head first into the wall and knocked myself out when my husband wouldn’t take our baby to the hospital, that’s what it took to get him to take her, she stopped breathing on the way! I was told to be naked with my legs spread when he opened the front door when coming home from work, if not then I was having a lesbian affair with my girlfriend. I was told there wasn’t a rock I could crawl under where he wouldn’t find me. I’d plan my escape, tell nobody of my whereabouts, yet come home to find my tiny little apartment busted up, he even turned the fridge on it’s side kicked in the engine and cut off the cord, not even one pair of panties left of clothing. The neighbors saw him do it and he left a note, the police did nothing. I went to stay with a friend and her husband, my home was no longer livable, he showed up with a shotgun, screaming for me to come out or he would shoot himself, the police came and took his gun away and left, with him still out there, “free country don’t cha know lady?” My hubby stayed outside, waiting me out, finally my girl friends husband goes out there, and my husband breaks his hand breaking his nose. They wound up in the same E.R. and the fight continued there.
We must educate society, start a NPO, so we can buy books for the victims of socio’s, attorneys are happy to represent a client in a case that gets their name in the paper.
I went to school and became a paralegal (certificated in the state of CA) so I could represent myself, and all went well until it became a case in two separate states. Then I spent everything on trying to keep my children safe, but he still was awarded visitation even after his leaving them in his truck, and it with them in it went over a 22 foot cliff and the jaws of life had to be used to free them from the wreckage. My son came home from a Xmas visit, we opened gifts we he got back, then when I went to put him to bed, I saw his little leg was bruised from hip to knee, I rushed him to the E.R., next thing I know CPS and the police are there, doctors called, stated it was from abuse, I pulled my sons airline ticket out and said he had only been with me for the past 6 hours, the bruises were approximately a week old, so they then knew I didn’t do it, yet did nothing because they have no jurisdiction in the other state, I went to court to stop the next visit in the spring, but since my son couldn’t/wouldn’t speak, they said the order stands as is. They went into court when he was there next, said I dropped him off and they don’t know where mom was, got an ex-parte order for temp custody” this goes on for ever, so I’m going to stop. I lost my home, lost my mind and was in a black hole of depression for 10 years” I’m out of it now, but we are all damaged.
I didn’t know what a socio was till I read “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout Ph.D. last week. I wish I would have known about this years ago, my life and my children’s lives would have been so bright. The injuries we suffered were substantial, they have healed, but the scars are still visible and if I pick at it, I start to bleed all over again. Time does not heal all wounds, but the pain lessens as it goes by thankfully. The stories I could tell would curl toes. All this on top of being raised by a socio” I kissed my mom once, she back handed me so hard I flew to the floor, she then said “Don’t ever do that, don’t you know you have germs!” It was like being programmed
’Not To Be’”
Such an emotional and stressful topic, I should have been more careful above in my typing, please excuse the errors, it seems I have no way to go back and edit my post.
Sociopath23 writes like Fred Brito. He’s been posting weird comments under different profiles on here, most of which don’t make a lot of sense. Just ignore him and he’ll go away eventually.
This is to theresa, First of all I can’t begin to put into words how sorry I am to hear your story. You story is so much like mine only thank the Lord I didnt have kids with him. He did bring his son here though and he was so much like what you describe. Everyone thought he was a little angel because he was from TX and he always said yes mam and yes sir. He also had this syrupy sweet smile that everyone fell for. Can I ask you was your husbands name Bruce by any chance. I am afraid to put last names on here and if I put his sons name and he got on here he wouls know this is me. Of course m,any of you know the fear of looking around every corner. I still fear he or his sick son will be back here some day. I will keep you in my prayers Theresa and wish I could help in some way. I agree that we all should start our own support group noone else would even understand living with these SICKOS but us. Again you are in my thoughts and prayers!