Editor’s note: The following article was sent by the reader who posts as Opal Rose.
July 24, 2012, was my 30th wedding anniversary. I found the Lovefraud web site in August 2009 after finding a directory on my computer put there by my husband while his computer was being repaired. Unbelievable and worse than I could have ever imagined — porn, violence-against-women-porn, sex dating sites for college age women, e-mails to specific responders to ads. The dude was busy. A frantic visit to my workplace Employee Assistance Program gave me the concept of “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” but subsequent searches led me to the checklist for “Sociopath.” I distinctly remember my jaw dropping when I read that checklist. Bingo!! Learning about sociopaths reframed my entire life since I had a sociopath mother. I did confront him, but he got more verbally violent than I’ve ever seen him and physically threatening and I backed off. He loves his mask.
I’ve learned so much the past 3 years and taken practical steps to take care of myself. But I’m still struggling about staying in the marriage. Not sure if there is a good answer. I like what someone posted from “The Road Less Travelled” on the Lovefraud blog: “sound mental and emotional health depends on a constant dedication to reality at all costs.” It’s hard staying focused on that important piece of advice. I’ve set up a separate bank account and filled it to capacity. I’ve started requiring him to pay half of all bills all the time (so weird that I never “noticed” I paid all the bills and made every single house payment — talk about denial). I’ve stopped trying so hard and I’m getting as much sleep as I need with no guilt about feeling exhausted – that’s really different for me. I’ve started taking days off from work when he is at work so I can have the house to myself (without him there doing his constant tirades). I’m downsizing belongings, donating extra furniture, working to get some of my cats re-homed together and sold an extra car. I suppose it’s good he has not noticed. This babe is busy.
I’ve faced that he has had self-serving affairs the entire time I’ve been with him. I found out that he would set up dates whenever I was out of town our entire marriage. A rather tough betrayal for me to face since I work in public health (environmental health) and go to underserved areas once or twice a year, not fun business trips. He married me for my stable supply of money, for the façade of decency, for a mother figure from whom he feels entitled to have constant entertainment and financial support. I would say for sex, but he never was able to be sexual without lots of porn, S&M fantasies and his version of “talking dirty.” His explanation was that every married woman knew to expect “this type of treatment” from their husbands. He once set me up with a therapist so I could get “straightened out.” I realize his definition of being “straightened out” meant that I would enjoy aberrant sex and abusive sex. Now I also know that he would have continued escalating no matter what I accepted.
So, I “get it,” I know what happened, I know how I got here. But I’m still here with him. I remember going No Contact with my mother after my father passed way when I was 32 years old. It was a bitter separation, but I counted my blessings so many times after going NC as it saved me from the ravages of her subsequent behavior. But, I’m having trouble with making that same decision now. I’m 57 years old. I would have to give him half of my substantial retirement whenever I finish my 30 years of service (7.5 years to go). I’m petrified at the smear campaign I know he would do if I have him leave. He is a respected professional — clinical psychologist — isn’t that great? I have no children, which is bitter-sweet (bitter because I wanted a family, sweet because I don’t have that added heartache of potential child abuse). He was almost giddy when on 2 separate occasions I lost children prior to birth and then he acted like it never even happened. It makes me crazy when he is so solicitous of families and children, even though I know his interest is faked.
I guess I need to work on the Trauma Bond. But it’s more than that. I have to be in this locale until I retire. It’s about fear of harassment. Fear of substantial financial loss. Fear of being caged until I can leave the area. But 32 years with a sociopathic mother and now 30 years with a sociopathic / exploitative husband, I think it’s enough. I pray for guidance and to get away from the extended nightmare.
Lately I find myself dreaming the hours away, trying to imagine a good life. I don’t know if this is a phase and somehow useful, or if this is not best for me. I’m thinking it’s an escape from the intense cognitive dissonance. How can my mother have been so pretty, so charming, so “religious” and so abusive? How can my husband be so glib, so popular, so confident and so mean? My solution for now is to continue laying the groundwork for leaving and doing all the practical things which could enable me to make a decision when I’m ready. That feels like the best I can do right now. Somehow staying busy with the process of “getting ready” helps so much, although I know it’s not the final important step.
So — Happy Anniversary. Thirty years married to a disordered person. Please send sympathy cards. ;-0
Dear Opal Rose,
I actually laughed out loud when I read what he does for a living. Your story though, makes me want to weep.
Let me ask you though, you say you don’t want to give him half of your retirement or half the house, what do you think will happen if you stay with him? He will have half the house, half the money AND he is going to be there to make you miserable.
What do you have to gain by waiting?
I realize that waiting may sound like the answer, but I think you are by your downsizing and your keeping money in a separate bank account etc, you are working up to kicking him out.
Oh, I would suggest that you keep your “stash” of money in cash or travelers checks rather than in a bank, because if you do split you will have to disclose your accounts.
Good luck, and I hope that you can find a life for yourself away from that sort of abuse. God bless.
Opal Rose. Towanda!!! I stayed with my X six years after learning he was a sexually addicted Narcissist, because I was trauma bonded and scared to death of leaving. I was in therapy and a 12 step program which was my saving grace. A male friend of mine, also in the program, told me that I needed to have a plan, and to put all my focus and energy into that plan. It took six years, but when the time was ripe, so was I. I think that you are making a plan and I congratulate you. Rest assured that when the time is right you’ll make your move…I just know it.
In the mean-time, stop dreaming and keep staring reality square in the face. Dreaming wastes energy that could be better utilized in the formation of your plan.
Opal Rose……hugs to you!!!!!!
The retirement, house, all of the trappings can be rebuilt. Your soul cannot, if it’s damaged, too much more.
Let it go…..hide cash like Oxy suggested, begin putting stuff away in safe deposit boxes or shoe boxes. But, whatever you do, get the hell out. You deserve better. You do.
Brightest blessings to you!!!!
Opal Rose,
I always feel like I haven’t much in common with someone who’s stayed with a sociopath for many years. My longest relationship was only 3 years, and the relationship with the sociopath was only about 3 months. So when I read these stories, I often feel like I’m cut out of a different mold than a lot of people here. But there is something about these stories that I resonate with, especially recently, and I think the thing that connects us all.
I’ve had men hurt me to a much lesser extent than many of the people here. And I’ve left men for much lesser things than what many people have put up with for years. I know I am a survivor and would rather be alone than put up with abuse and blatant forms of disrespect. But the one thing that has gotten in my way of attracting loving relationships is my inability to really deeply feel the hurt that the many betrayals have caused me. If I could put my finger on the one reason why a person will stick around in a bad relationship, it is this: They haven’t really deeply felt the pain of the the betrayal. They may still be in denial, imagining that deep down their mate really loves them or could love them. OR they may feel it like a dull ache that never goes away but gets temporarily relieved when their mate does something kind. I have had both of these experiences. It is only now, 10 years after a pretty nasty break-up with a man I believed once to be the love of my life, that I am feeling the depths of pain his neglect and betrayal caused me. I was unable to express my feelings toward him at the time because I really was not feeling them deeply. He didn’t understand that his behaviors were hurting me because I didn’t know how to show the hurt. This hurt got touched again and again with future short-term relationships and affairs. But I never got to the bottom of it. I believe that when we finally reach into the well of the deep pain of abandonment we have, we can finally say, “enough” and be honest about what we will and will not put up with. We can show our honest feelings to our friends and lovers and gauge whether they can empathize with our feelings or not. (A sociopath will not). The man I broke up with 10 years ago that I spoke of told me that I really didn’t know who I was. And he was completely right. I sat around and called him a bastard for many years, and to a certain extent, it is so. But also, the few times I was able to truly express my feelings to him in a clear manner, he “got” it. Problem was I can probably count on one hand all the times in a 3-year relationship that I did that. He, as a man, was very mental and not in touch with his feminine side, so he wasn’t going to be the warm fuzzy touchy-feely man I needed. We both had some issues. But in the end, I can only look at my own behavior patterns. Why did I allow him to disrespect me for so long? And finally, many years later, I have my answer. Because I just couldn’t wrap my awareness around the pain. It was too big. I spent so many years running from it, trying to drown it in new relationships or activities, blaming it on others. Granted, it is not just the pain he triggered. It’s the pain of all the abandonments in my early life that I never resolved. I am 51 and just starting to really face the deeper layers of pain.
To me, this work and this realization is essential in order to create a loving relationship with another human being. You absolutely need to know yourself and create that loving relationship with yourself.
I trust that since you have found this site, you are on your way to your own healing journey, and I wish you the very best on your path.
Dear Opal Rose,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry that you have had such a painful experience with a sociopath, but I am glad you are here in the right place to write about how you feel and receive some support.
I, too, had to face the reality of horrendous betrayal and face the fact that there was something going on within me that would allow me to stay with a person who mistreated and used me so badly. It’s a painful process, one I continue to struggle with.
And, part of the struggle is the loss of the material things I have worked so hard for. To me, my home was the ultimate symbol of stability and one of my hardest earned and cherished possessions. In the end, though, I was tired of living with one eye constantly over my shoulder. I do have a child with Spathy, and she had a lot to do with my ultimate decision to flee out of state. It has been difficult, but I feel like in the long run, although I am facing financial loss and have to rebuild much of the life I worked so hard to create for myself, I am finding more value in myself and my life’s experiences. It’s easy to say in a moment of emotional stability, such as I am experiencing right now. I have times where I am so angry with both him and myself. But I hang on to hope that by leaving a bad situation with him as a constant threat, my financial loss is buying me personal safety and freedom.
I have an aquaintance that left a horrible man several years back and had to pay him a substantial pay out that left her needing to leave the house she loved and seriously modify her lifestyle. She, too, needs to pay him half of her hard earned retirement. But in the end, after she left him, she looked so much happier and even remarried!
We never know what the future holds for us… That is, unless we stay with the Spathy farker. Then, we pretty much know the outcome will be ugly, or at best, far less than we deserve as decent human beings.
It is a tough road that you are on, no doubt. I sincerely wish you all of the best. I KNOW you deserve better than what Spathy can give…
Opal Rose,
I admire you for your dedication to reality. And also for taking things slow, not jumping into drama.
You’ve done all the right things, educated yourself on the problem and preparing to exit with grace. I also agree that you need to have cash stashed, rather than in bank accounts.
Which brings up a couple of questions: Do you have somewhere to put the cash? Do you have friends you can trust? Please don’t answer the first question, just in case you are ever traced to this website.
I ask about the friends because you have tried to prepare financially but what about emotionally? You don’t want to be isolated. Furthermore, I would also prepare legally. Talk to a lawyer now and start figuring out how to protect your assets. A lawyer cannot advise you to prepare cash because all assets must be disclosed in a divorce settlement. If they find that you hid assets, you will lose them all. But the same goes for him. Make sure you are tracking his assets. Spaths prepare for the long con. Mine sure did.
Finding out the laws in your state is important too because if you can prove affairs, it might help you. You can start collecting evidence now.
You are so lucky you didn’t have children with him. But I know how sad that is too. That was my situation as well.
I guess the last thing to consider is whether you could be conned again. Did you learn everything you needed to know from this spath? Are you impervious to love bombing and cog/dis?
Sometimes, we stay because we feel there is more to learn from the experience. In my case, I realized he was evil but didn’t know about spaths. So I tried to stay a few more months to prepare and to observe. As it turned out, I had to run when he threatened me and my gut told me he would kill me. My gut was right but it didn’t know HOW.
Lots more was revealed by leaving than if I had stayed. By removing myself from the environment I realized he had been poisoning my food. And I met a man who explained spaths to me.
So expect upheaval and revelations when you leave him. Spaths don’t like being abandoned. He will begin a new tactic of attack and bizarre behavior.
I hope you dot your i’s and cross your t’s then get out soon.
Do like Katie Holmes did on Tom Cruise. She’s my hero!
Opal Rose, my marriage ended when I discovered that the exspath was engaging in violent, deviant sexual fantasies and, quite likely, activities. I knew that it was over upon this one discovery, as I could not tolerate the types of deviancies that he had been compartmentalizing since his high school years. All evidence suggested (screamed, actually) that he had been involved with someone else in these violent interests that included genital torture and mutiliation, gang-rape, murder, veiled necrophilia, and extreme bondage and sado-masochism.
The separation was forced when I attacked him in a fit of rage after he had spent weeks denying that he had done anything more than “fantasize” about gatherings with random people and I found evidence that directly indicated otherwise.
Since that time, I discovered financial frauds that exceed the Federal guideline for criminal prosecution, although he will never be charged, quite likely, or face consequences. In less than 3 years, he was able to covertly relieve me of nearly $250,000 from one individual account, and another $50,000 in estate payments through coersion and forgery.
When you are ready, I will strongly, strongly urge that you have cash set aside – cash, cash, cash, NOT (caps are to emphasize and not to be interpreted as online yelling) checks, credit cards, or anything else that’s traceable. I will also strongly urge that you consult with a Divorce Specialist and a counseling therapist.
The Divorce Specialist is far more schooled in very, very tough cases which typically turn out to be the situation when exiting from a sociopath – abusive, or not. They will advise you on what you are entitled to, how your case will be likely arbitrated and negotiated, and they will work to represent you in the best way possible.
The counseling therapist is for various positive reasons, but the main two are: 1) assist you in your exit and the emotional aftermath, and 2) provide professional documenation of the carnage for any purposes that your attorney needs. When you require documentation from your counseling therapist, ask for a “narrative” and not a diagnosis, PLEASE. A narrative gets to the point, and a diagnosis is written in psychspeak that attorneys really don’t know, themselves, even though they’ve heard the terminology, before.
As Skylar so wisely pointed out, it is an imperative to know as much as you can about the Laws in your State. What I can say from personal experience is that 30 years will entitle you to alimony for life, 1/2 of his retirement (he can buy you out, or negotiate something), and half of all jointly-owned marital properties (real estate, vehicles, etc.). This is if you live in a no-fault State. Only 2-3 States do not abide by “no-fault.”
Then….I agree with building your network of support. Doing this is going to be difficult in every way. You’ll be breaking old habits, etc., and exiting such a situation of 30 years is going to be tough. But, it’s also going to liberate you from the chains of cruelty and neglect. You’ll finally have the opportunity to sing like nobody is listening, and dance as if nobody’s watching. You will find you, at long last.
“Opal Rose” is such a beautiful choice of ID….take that beauty, save it, and run with it. You are so priceless in this vast Universe – nobody can replace you. When you’re ready, you will do this for you – for Opal Rose.
My brightest and most supportive blessings to you
Dear Opal Rose,
Hello and I would like to say congratulations! I choose empathy over sympathy, however. It is, IMhumble opinion, never too late. It’s never too late to realise you deserve better. As Oxy has often reminded us, it starts off about them and finishes being about us. I watched a film last night,”The Women” with Meg Ryan. She was in crisis, husband had had an affair, her relationship with her daughter was troubled and a woman she met at a retreat asked her “What do you want, what about you?”
I know it’s Hollywood but I thought yep, how many people put others before themselves all their life? We are so busy putting everyone first, thinking it will get better. And it doesn’t.
I’m going to be 50 in a couple of months. I “got away” from my ex husband only to walk straight into the hands of someone much worse. I lost my health for a while, nearly lost my children and got into debt. I know I’m lucky in so many ways. I support myself but my pension is not worth having as I started teaching late. So yeh, sometimes I think what’s going to happen when I can’t work anymore. I’m a terrible one for the “what ifs!!”
I can honestly say that I would not change my life now.I’m on my own, no partner or significant other and I love the peace. I love independence. I love freedom of thought and freedom of whatever I want to do, I can do it.
You sound like a gutsy lady, OpalRose. You’ve been through so much.
What do you want, what about you?
Here’s hoping you get what you so richly deserve. I think peace and quiet and that still small voice of sanity is preferable to living with or engaging with a toxic person. Ever.
Good luck. Sending you strength from SW.
Opal Rose, I didn’t really clarify the reason for the history of my marital end. The point that I recounted this was that I did not use a calm mind to end the marriage, properly. I allowed myself to fall into a depth of fear that I have never known, in my life: fear of being unable to make it on my own, fear of losing everything (before I found out that I actually had), fear, fear, fear…..that fear worked into rage. I was a beaten animal cornered in a cage, and I saw no way out.
Don’t let it happen that way for you, Opal Rose. When you are ready, take this bull by the legal horns, help your attorney and counselor wrestle it down, and become whom you were always meant to be.
Brightest blessings
Dear Opal Rose,
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. You’ve come to the right place, people here understand.
Like you, I was married for 30 years. It’s been 3 years since I discovered who I was really married to and have now been divorced for a year and a half. I understand your concerns and they are all valid however I agree with others that you’ll have even less if you stay. It’s taken me a long time to separate my perceived reality from the truth. I believe this is where your struggle currently is. Thirty years cannot be undone that quickly. Mine liked his mask too and continues to wear it for everyone. My discovery happened suddenly. I instantly went from him hugging me and saying I love you each day to barely acknowledging that I’m a person. He moved on as quickly as you stated your husband moved on from the two children you lost. They don’t like to take care of anyone.
You have probably been experiencing many “aha” moments which will continue for awhile. It’s the realization of the little “tells” that were there but when viewed from the perspective of a person without a personality disorder it’s incongruous with what we perceive so we dismiss it. I’ve been amazed and in shock over how many “little” things I dismissed over the years. This is where you are now. You are sorting it out.
I agree with Oxy, hide cash. Anything in the bank must be claimed in the divorce proceedings. Also, get the best attorney you can afford. Mine kept saying “I thought we were going to do a collaborative divorce?” Well, I don’t deal with the devil so I retained my own attorney and had to fight for what I have. Socios/psychopaths/narcissists – they truly do not care about anyone…..doesn’t matter how long we’ve been married to these people without a soul. They don’t have a social conscience and feel they owe you nothing. I am confident that one day his inner rage will boil over at the wrong time and others will know who he is.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and I believe eventually you will reach that conclusion. You are already taking the steps.
Last but not least, document everything you possibly can.
My best to you Opal. It’s a difficult road but a survivable one. Save yourself. The option to stay with them isn’t any more real than the marriage was. Mine was cheating on me right from the very beginning. Thirty two years if I count the courtship.
Many positive thoughts going out to you.
~New