Editor’s note: The following article was sent by the reader who posts as Opal Rose.
July 24, 2012, was my 30th wedding anniversary. I found the Lovefraud web site in August 2009 after finding a directory on my computer put there by my husband while his computer was being repaired. Unbelievable and worse than I could have ever imagined — porn, violence-against-women-porn, sex dating sites for college age women, e-mails to specific responders to ads. The dude was busy. A frantic visit to my workplace Employee Assistance Program gave me the concept of “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” but subsequent searches led me to the checklist for “Sociopath.” I distinctly remember my jaw dropping when I read that checklist. Bingo!! Learning about sociopaths reframed my entire life since I had a sociopath mother. I did confront him, but he got more verbally violent than I’ve ever seen him and physically threatening and I backed off. He loves his mask.
I’ve learned so much the past 3 years and taken practical steps to take care of myself. But I’m still struggling about staying in the marriage. Not sure if there is a good answer. I like what someone posted from “The Road Less Travelled” on the Lovefraud blog: “sound mental and emotional health depends on a constant dedication to reality at all costs.” It’s hard staying focused on that important piece of advice. I’ve set up a separate bank account and filled it to capacity. I’ve started requiring him to pay half of all bills all the time (so weird that I never “noticed” I paid all the bills and made every single house payment — talk about denial). I’ve stopped trying so hard and I’m getting as much sleep as I need with no guilt about feeling exhausted – that’s really different for me. I’ve started taking days off from work when he is at work so I can have the house to myself (without him there doing his constant tirades). I’m downsizing belongings, donating extra furniture, working to get some of my cats re-homed together and sold an extra car. I suppose it’s good he has not noticed. This babe is busy.
I’ve faced that he has had self-serving affairs the entire time I’ve been with him. I found out that he would set up dates whenever I was out of town our entire marriage. A rather tough betrayal for me to face since I work in public health (environmental health) and go to underserved areas once or twice a year, not fun business trips. He married me for my stable supply of money, for the façade of decency, for a mother figure from whom he feels entitled to have constant entertainment and financial support. I would say for sex, but he never was able to be sexual without lots of porn, S&M fantasies and his version of “talking dirty.” His explanation was that every married woman knew to expect “this type of treatment” from their husbands. He once set me up with a therapist so I could get “straightened out.” I realize his definition of being “straightened out” meant that I would enjoy aberrant sex and abusive sex. Now I also know that he would have continued escalating no matter what I accepted.
So, I “get it,” I know what happened, I know how I got here. But I’m still here with him. I remember going No Contact with my mother after my father passed way when I was 32 years old. It was a bitter separation, but I counted my blessings so many times after going NC as it saved me from the ravages of her subsequent behavior. But, I’m having trouble with making that same decision now. I’m 57 years old. I would have to give him half of my substantial retirement whenever I finish my 30 years of service (7.5 years to go). I’m petrified at the smear campaign I know he would do if I have him leave. He is a respected professional — clinical psychologist — isn’t that great? I have no children, which is bitter-sweet (bitter because I wanted a family, sweet because I don’t have that added heartache of potential child abuse). He was almost giddy when on 2 separate occasions I lost children prior to birth and then he acted like it never even happened. It makes me crazy when he is so solicitous of families and children, even though I know his interest is faked.
I guess I need to work on the Trauma Bond. But it’s more than that. I have to be in this locale until I retire. It’s about fear of harassment. Fear of substantial financial loss. Fear of being caged until I can leave the area. But 32 years with a sociopathic mother and now 30 years with a sociopathic / exploitative husband, I think it’s enough. I pray for guidance and to get away from the extended nightmare.
Lately I find myself dreaming the hours away, trying to imagine a good life. I don’t know if this is a phase and somehow useful, or if this is not best for me. I’m thinking it’s an escape from the intense cognitive dissonance. How can my mother have been so pretty, so charming, so “religious” and so abusive? How can my husband be so glib, so popular, so confident and so mean? My solution for now is to continue laying the groundwork for leaving and doing all the practical things which could enable me to make a decision when I’m ready. That feels like the best I can do right now. Somehow staying busy with the process of “getting ready” helps so much, although I know it’s not the final important step.
So — Happy Anniversary. Thirty years married to a disordered person. Please send sympathy cards. ;-0
Among the many wonderful suggestions on how to prepare yourself for leaving I want to add one or two more…
Some people can withdraw funds from their retirement in advance – yes there can be a penalty but it might be smart to see about transferring some of that out of his clutches as a 25% withdrawal penalty is still less than 50% for him…
Maybe go gambling a few times and explain the missing money that way – keep a few receipts to show the money spent and your “losses”… You can say with a straight face that your misery in your marriage made you do it!
Secondly – If you plan to do this over a few years (as you said 7.5 more to go) I suggest you find a way to choose a place where he won’t be able to follow you and a place you want to live and build a new life… find a new hometown and take several more “business trips” to this place and begin to establish a friendships there. Do not tell him where you are going on these trips. Maybe even complain about them… Tell no one what you are up to or only those who know what a B’tard he is and who will protect you. Find a DV organization if need be to help you. They know what to do. Do not tell anyone even the attorney about the cash you tuck away. You may decide not to wait the 7.5 years if you can get an early leave and the attorney should be able to help you set up whatever the retirement income is so that you get funds without him being able to know where you are.
A friend of mine helped a woman once – in fact a small woman’s group at their church did. The husband was considered a fine upstanding man locally by all – but the women in this small group knew how she suffered and that he would kill her if she left and ruined his mask. Over the course of many many months they devised a plan. She started to bring home 1-2 empty plastic/rubber storage containers and fill them up with clothes and things she wanted to take with her but could not do all at once. When he asked about the containers she said she had decided they needed more space in the closets so she was rotating her clothes by season etc… And slowly but surely she filled up those tubs with her valuables and clothing and she would go to the church group and one woman started to store the containers for her. Eventually the day came she was ready to make her escape and her belongings had been transferred to a new secret location that only one woman knew. She was picked up with the last tubs and slipped away to a new life.
The pastor of the church was called by the husband and he came to these women and told them he knew they had somehow helped and admonished them for not “supporting the woman in staying in her marriage”… And for helping her escape her abusive ex. Almost every single one of them left that church.
Regarding the smear campaign they’ve been known to run, despite my ex doing this there are people who not only don’t believe him but also see that I was at great risk. Some have verbalized it to me (things like OMG I am SO relieved to hear your voice and/or see you) but I’ve kept quiet because to do otherwise would put them at risk. Sociopathic rage is very ugly and sometimes it boils over in public, even if it’s only visible for a few seconds.
Stargazer, your response to Opal Rose really resonates with me. I too had never acknowledged the deep down pain while I was in the relationship with my ex spath and for many years afterward. I too was numb to the deep pain. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I had my breakthrough. That breakthrough showed me that my pain was from a mulititude of abandonments and abuses I had endured. I feel confident now that I am on the healing path because I have acknowledge that terrible, unbearable pain. I still find it incredibly sad what we humans can emotionally do to one another. I am glad I face the truth of this fact and no longer live and love in a haze of numbness.
Opal Rose, I think that you already have all of the answers in your heart. You know what you need to do. I am so very glad that you found LF to help your with you journey. I wish you strength and faith in yourself.
Much Love to you.
The Sisterhood, it is, indeed, sad what humans are capable of and willing to do for their own entertainment and personal gain. Although I am no longer “surprised” at what humans do, I am always dismayed and horrified, but not “surprised.”
Opal Rose, I agree that you already know what you need to. You probably sense that remaining another week, let alone nother 7 years, will be far more harmful than beneficial. You’ll take steps when you’re ready.
Brightest blessings
Stargazer and all,
Me to Star, me too. I really get what you are experiencing, and it is the same for me. I finally got to the place (in my heart, my life, my emotional maturity) to FEEL the pain, all of it. Bit by bit. Once I truly accepted that betrayal and abandonment were festering inside me, and could feel the pain of those deep wounds….well, the world opened up. I could learn to respect myself. Finally.
Opal Rose….I commend you. Don’t stop with your plan. Follow it through. I have a feeling you will find your way OUT and AWAY from him.
Love to all,
Slim
Yeah, we can intellectualize about the healing process all we want, but in the end, we need to just feel our feelings. Then we can truly begin to have an authentic relationship, first with ourselves and then with others. This is only possible when you feel emotionally safe. And you can’t feel emotionally safe if you have toxic people in your life. They will sabotage your healing.
I was with my sociopathic ex for 28 years. It was another 18 months before I realised what he was. The last three years have been hard and sometimes it’s discouraging when I realise that it will take me the rest of my life to recover from this. But my biggest problems are financial, so I say if you will be able to manage on your own – and it sounds as if your plans are already well advanced – cut your losses, get out and live that good life for real, not just in your head.
Opal Rose, with him showing such intense delight at your miscarriages I have to wonder if he fed you something to provoke them.
number one. get a counselor who can defend/certify your sanity.
number two get one of the best lawyers in your area, sociopathic knowlege preferred if not, a shark who wins.
someone who won’t sell you out to him too, mine did…
but get out. you might not live to retirement if you don’t.
and why the heck can’t you go after his retirement? huh? still under the thumb aren’t you? or does he not have any? financially insolvent type?
??
find witnesses/allies, get out.
good luck too.
OH MY I have been married to a Psychopath for 35 years! I have 2 adult children that I raised as he was never around, always out with friends drinking and getting into bar fights. He put the fear of god into me by beating me so bad one night, sitting on top of me and on my hands when I tried to defend blows to my face, then he smashed my head over and over on cement floor and punched my face repeatlingly, no one dared get him off me as they knew his violence well before I did that nightt and I ended up with concussion and then 5 years later Cluster headaches. I never went to ER but should of as my face was swollen the next day and I could not open my mouth and I had to work the next day caring for a elderly women in her home, I also did not call police or make report, but what was the real eye opener was when he told me the next day ” you deserved it and should of kept your mouth shut” When I threatened to leave him with our 2 small children he threatened to hunt me down “You can run but can never hide from me” and if he ever caught me with another man ” Kill you” He did what ever he wanted when he wanted and how dare I ask where he was and with who when gone for 3 days, which he usually would argue with me for excuse to leave or stress cause him to leave , it was always my fault that he left! Then he would return like nothing happened and everything was hunky dory?? He lies continually and is 2 people one face to friends and strangers and the other nasty face to me and our kids who he does not care how he mistreats or ignores or made to feel insignificant. He has also raped me and expected sex when ever he wanted or “I will get it elsewhere” Never allowing the time after giving birth or prior to birth to follow doctors instructions not to have sex! He took it anyways . What ever I wanted I never got even though I made more $$ than he did as a RN. My life with this man has been a lie a falsehood a fake and I know it know and I have so much shit on him that when I ever get medically well and finally leave him he will leave this marriage bare assed or have to commit suicide because the shit I have on him what he has done to me for years and luckily I was able to finally lose shame and tell of it but only a sliver of what he has done to me in this post as what he has done is so ugly and vile and such betrayal … I hope no one ever tolerates a psychopath as they do not ever love as they are incapable of empathy and only cause illness and destruction to anyone that tries to love them. They are the greatest manipulators, I am 10 years younger than my husband so ? do not know if that had something to do with why I put up with the abuse but feel my dysfunctional childhood with a alcoholic father and mother who hated his drinking and would fight with him and he would take off and leave and seeing my father as a child with another women drive by the house .. and then my brother in law molesting me at age 12 to almost 17 and my sister taking him back and today in denial and blaming me and her manipulation of other family members telling them I was after her husband, his father was a sexual predator. I know what i need to do and writing this to say the women of 30 years is not alone in her marriage of decades to a psychopath.
Opal, it was great to read your post. It mirrored my own situation in many respects accept that I have been married 35 yrs and had two children both now grown. They both had ADHD like my husband except my son appears to have a heart. However he married an Alcoholic and has become one too. My husband’s family is almost 90% alcoholics and some form of homosexuality. Odd but my husband doesn’t drink but does have sexual addiction. He is diabetic with ED now and thankfully can’t abuse me that way anymore. Both my kids went through many problems during their teen yrs. My daughter had a child at 15, a girl and has had many relationships with men who abused, had addictions and were violent. She had two more children both boys after marrying her fifth addict/Bipolar man. I feel for my granddaughter however she is a mother to her mother and doesn’t realize it. She defends her mother like I defended my husband to my family etc. He treated the whole world better than me who he treated worse than a dog. Both my children were sexually molested by my husbands 1st son to his 1st wife. My stepson is also bisexual but has never told his wife. That is my husband’s job to fill her in but he hasn’t so far. So between the history of being a molester and having his own story of Broke back Mountain, I can only imagine what is going on in my stepson’s family. We don’t communicate because we only found out after the wedding when our children who didn’t attend told us about the history.
I have made the same decision you have. But it is a matter of playing the same game they play. Act concerned. I don’t wish him any harm but I really can’t tolerate him being around me anymore. I have developed FM/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it will be very difficult to leave. But I will truly try to be fair with him even though our whole marriage has been about his wants and desires. I thought I was being a good wife when I gave up my personhood to devote my life to pleasing him as any good Christian woman would. However it was never enough as you can understand. I am aware that many friends will desert me and that will be sad but they haven’t a clue about what my life has been like. I should be in a mental institution. My daughter who has become a real scam artist herself wants to have me committed. I think that’s because she is taking advantage of her father so she can live with us for free till she can get a place of her own. I think she is trying to take my place. She is defending her father and physically abusing me which he gets great pleasure from. But I am showing him how she is taking advantage of him and he is confused which as you know is throwing him off his game. My grandsons are showing signs of extreme behavior and I desperately want to help them and their half sister. But that will have to wait till I am in a safe place. Your right, I love when he goes away for the weekend to hunt, it leaves me free and relaxed. But I am not ready to turn less than I deserve over to him. I paid his child support, I paid for his hunting property, and I paid for everything his little heart desired. I even paid more for his hunting equipment than he paid for my engagement ring. My son doesn’t have a clue because he resents me for being the parent when my husband wouldn’t and my daughter resents me because I’m in her way in getting what she wants. Sad but my Eyes are open. Life is not a Rose Garden but that’s okay. I believe that there is a God who made the ultimate sacrifice of his son for my sins and I’m looking forward to eternity with him. PTL he chose me to understand and accept. Keep us informed of how things are progressing. God Bless your plan. He doesn’t want his saints to suffer without cause.