Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as Whirlwind71.
I have just finished reading Love Fraud just mere moments ago, and up until now, I really hadn’t been interested in books at all. Previous to this, I read Mary Jo Buttafuoco, Getting It Through My Thick Skull as well as Snakes in Suits and Pathology of a Psychopath (a hard read) ”¦ all in an attempt to understand what the heck happened to me and my family when a guy (whom I described as the most amazing man I have ever met) came into my life ”¦ I now realize that the word “amazing” has many different levels!
Once married to my kids’ father, I was now a divorced ”¦ or shall I say a HAPPILY divorced, self-made career woman. I hold one insurance brokers designation and am halfway to another. These are university course levels, so for someone who only had a high school diploma and being a single mom raising two little kids, studying, was ”¦ well ”¦ a feat in itself.
Somehow with the strength of my family and more so God, I plugged away. I actually liked being on my own, but really craved having someone to share special moments with, and when my kids were with their father, have a male companion ”¦ not necessarily for marriage but for companionship. Strong willed and financially capable, I grew my little kingdom to building a new house, having a rental home, van, truck, camper all paid off except for the two houses. But the mortgage payments were decent. I am smart with my money and let it work for me.
Amazing man
Then one day I met this “amazing man.” He was strong willed, energetic, wonderful with my kids, attentive and provided us with this fast paced, fly off the seat of our pants life. A wonderful musician all self-taught, he could learn to play anything within a short period of time. He lived “outside the bubble,” something I (as a strict planner) looked up to. I wished I could just throw caution to the wind and be more like him. He liked the things I liked camping, spending time at home, hiking and socializing with friends. We spent the first few months doing crazy things; spur of the moment camping in the middle of nowhere on some mountainside away from everyone.
He called himself the skunk catcher, as no one in our town would do it (not even by law, so he advertised his services and people would pay him to catch these things). After caught, he would play with them, show them around the neighborhood and even drive him around to show others. At first it was neat to see, but when he actually put a caught skunk in the back of my jeep, that’s when I was no longer impressed. He seemed to think that there was no smell, but it was rank. I spent hours cleaning and fumigating it and even burnt candles in it overnight to help…he said that his mom would come and clean it for $75. I told him I WOULD clean it and he could pay me ”¦ I never got a dime.
He pulled away
Then there was a period of time in the very beginning of our relationship that he pulled away from me and I actively pursued him, as I really did like him. Looking back, I think that he was pulling away as perhaps he was causing some sort of grief for his last ex ”¦ The one he called nasty names to anyone who asked about her.
Soon, he became mine and I could not have been more thrilled. He is in my opinion, VERY good looking with his blue collar/hard-working look (which I like). By far, one of the best looking guys I have ever been with. Sex was passionate and exciting. When my kids went to their father’s house, we had so much fun. Soon, we were inseparable, but that’s when things started to go wrong.
Temper like blasting oil
Granted, there were Red Flags prior, as I knew he had a temper like dynamite ”¦ no no like blasting oil. I remember one day he screamed at me in his back yard because I didn’t come fast enough to help him fix a wind-blown gazebo that was laying in a pile for nearly four months ”¦ apparently because I didn’t come when he wanted me to, it was all my fault that it was completely wrecked and he was out $200. He told me to get the (eff) off his property and never come back. Within an hour he called and apologized profusely that he had a horrible day because his co-worker is a dink. At first I resisted his apology however he got mad at me for not forgiving him so I just gave in and forgave him.
Another day he was SO angry because I wasn’t answering his phone calls, as every time I answered he would scream in my ear about how horrible his day at work was. I was tired of listening to the screaming so I ignored my phone, but after at least 13 back-to-back calls, I finally answered. He told me to get my (effn) travel trailer off his property and get the (eff) out of his life. I simply said, “Okay, I’ll be there in 15 minutes with my truck.” Within five minutes he called back and apologized. ”¦ the same song and dance when I refused to accept, he yelled at me and told me that it was my entire fault that he got so mad and if I would just not provoke him, he wouldn’t yell and scream. I ended up dropping the whole thing but my heart was hurt.
I watched when he would fight with his roommate and throw HUGE temper tantrums when the roommate would ask him to tidy up his mess. I have never seen anything like this before. He might as well laid on the floor and kicked and screamed like a 2-year-old ”¦ to this day that old roommate won’t have anything to do with him and he cannot figure out why. And that’s not all he did to him.
Evicting them
He advertised his services on the Internet, so that if you had an abusive boyfriend or husband that you wanted out of the house but wouldn’t leave, he would go and evict them. I heard stories of how he would bust into the door, push and shove some drunk or stoned or deadbeat guy around and throw them out. When I questioned him about how dangerous this was ”¦ I mean what if this guy had a gun or worse ”¦ he simply said, no one can hurt me first, they would never even get their hand on the gun let alone the trigger. So then I asked him, this is illegal, you can’t do this, your going to get thrown in jail ”¦ he said, “I’m above the law.” He would recite some chapter of the legal system because he has read the entire Canadian criminal code, how it was his right as a civilian to arrest someone. He thought that he was the be-all mister knowledge about the law, and would spout of some code at random. I never double-checked his words.
Fun or ruckus
But it wasn’t bad every day, we did a lot of fun things, but it was always one degree away from causing some sort of damage or ruckus or borderline illegal. He likes air soft guns (shoots little plastic beebees) and my son LOVED that his passion was guns and war things. They would run around the neighborhood shooting each other, however, he would get carried away and usually ended up with someone getting hurt at his hands. Parents of my son’s friends were skeptical about letting them come play.
For every good memory I have 13 bad memories, camping trips ruined, extreme road rage explosions, near disaster trips, screaming at the kids and calling names, turn on the dime mood swings, bone chilling stares ”¦ when he is a really bad mood, his eyebrows go really pointy and his eyes have an icy blue stare. He yells like a drill sergeant and doesn’t care what language he uses ”¦ I have been called names I have never heard before and then 10 minutes later he wants to go have sex because he is done with his tantrum. Sex was HUGE with him, and he couldn’t understand why on the weekend, when the kids were gone, that I didn’t want to have sex 14 times or at least every hour and a half, as this gave him enough time to re-supply his energy for another “round.”
He abused all of my vehicles and I am convinced that this is the reason that I had to put TWO transmissions in my truck. He slammed the house doors so hard even the second floor windows shook. He kicked my solid mahogany seven-drawer dresser so that it lifted off the ground, kicked the railings of my deck, puked over the railings after a night out of drinking and anytime I condemned him for any of these things, I got yelled and screamed at. I wasn’t silent, I always was on him but that’s why we fought ALL THE TIME! He would tell me that if I would just shut up and be good, everything would be fine.
Moved in
Somehow he sunk into our life. I never asked him to move in, he just invited himself and I just let him. That’s when the ugly came out (the things you have just read). For the first seven months after he moved in he was unemployed as we suffered a recession and the oilfield halted. He sat on my couch everyday and did NOTHING ”¦ he smoked, ate and pooped and that’s all he ever did. Slept in until I would call him at 1 p.m. and then he was up all night.
He was on this laptop the entire day. One day, I wanted to see what he was looking at on the Internet that could keep him so occupied, so when he was sleeping I tried to get into his computer, but he had a password on it. He found out that I tried to get in because the next time he logged in it said “one log in attempt failed.” He was angry and screamed at me. He had NO problem going through my computer and even my cell phone, which I caught him doing several times, but if I yelled at him, he yelled at me louder.
We made plans to move from the city and build a house closer in the mountains. This would help us, he said. He wanted to open a welding shop, a wood working shop, and some other kinds of shops, I was going to open an insurance brokerage, but it would be my money being set down, as he had no credit. He hasn’t filed income tax for at least five years, he owes for a student loan over 10 years ago, and who knows what else.
No rent
He officially moved in, in July and it wasn’t until December when he started paying me rent. When he did pay rent, he would throw it at me, or tell me “here’s your rent, now shut the (eff) up,”or make me scavenger hunt for it. He was always late and had to be reminded ”¦ even though what I asked was SO little. He drove my jeep under my insurance (as he held an out of province driver license), yet never wanted to buy the jeep off of me when I asked him to. I was going through a rough financial period and said that I had to sell the jeep and he lost his marbles, so I said, well then you buy it, you’re the only one who drives it. He said, “If we would just get married, then it would be mine anyways so why should I pay for something that would end up being mine?”
Also, he also had no provincial health care which when I found out, I could not understand WHY wouldn’t he fill out the paperwork. In our province, we don’t pay for the health care”¦ I mean what would happen if he was in a car accident? Who’s going to pay? His deadbeat family who has NOTHING to their name? NO”¦I would be stuck with it, as we would be considered common law.
From the moment he moved his boxes in I could no longer get even a bicycle in my garage, my basement was so cluttered with all his things that you could barely walk in there. When I asked him to clean up and box some things to organize it he would go into a complete FIT! Soon, I didn’t even bother.
Wrong ring
Prior to him moving in he proposed to me. He put the ring under the hood of the jeep and said to me to come out and look at the jeep because the engine was making a weird noise. When I lifted the hood, there was a ring, however, it was the wrong ring. He gave me the wedding ring, not the engagement ring. He thought that I got the smaller ring first and if I actually show up for the wedding, I get the bigger one. I wore the ring for a few months but I ended up giving it back to him as I told him that this isn’t working out and I won’t wear something that I don’t believe in. He told me, and I QUOTE, “If you would shut the fuck up, wear the fucking ring and be GOOD, then everything would be fine.” I never did wear it again.
I had tried for at least nine months to convince him that this is no longer working and that he needs to move out. The very first time I told him to move out, he told me “no. ”I just looked at him in astonishment and said, “Can you say that?” I tried to reason, yell, beg, plead, threaten but nothing worked.
He began to steal from stores, nothing big, little things like spices, hair products, makeup, batteries, groceries, dollar store things but soon my basement was filled with thousands of dollars of stolen items. He said to me that if I left him that I would lose everything, as all this stuff was in MY house and I would lose my house, my job, and my kids and have nothing. Even though I DIDN’T steal this, I had it in my possession ”¦ so for many months, I felt like I couldn’t do a thing. One day, I broke down and told a friend and she said to me that I had NO choice but to move him out and that I wouldn’t be held responsible.
Moved him out
On VERY cold February day when he was out of town I packed up all his belongings and moved them into a storage unit. I put all his instruments in the basement of our church as they are temperature sensitive. I didn’t do this to be mean; I just couldn’t do this anymore. I turned into someone I no longer recognized. I was angry all the time, would snap at small things, I gained SO much weight, every day was tense and my world was crumbling right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do. It was like trying to catch the rain”¦ My kids and I could no longer take it.
My daughter had moved with her father as she couldn’t take the pressure of living in such a tense house, and I could feel that my son was going to leave me too. If I lost my kids, I would curl up and die ”¦ I chose THEM, so I moved him out. But it didn’t end there, when he got back into town stuff really hit the fan. He scheduled a meeting with our pastor at the church and basically said that if I didn’t allow him to come home that he would kill himself something he threatened quite often in the last few months. Being that I didn’t want him to self-destruct, I allowed him to come back BUT on the promise that in his five days off, he/we would look for a place for him to move to. He PROMISED me, in front of our Pastor, so I let him come back to my house.
The next day I had to work, I called home to talk to him and asked him what he was planning to do today (thinking he would say, checking out the rentals) but instead he told me that he was going to call his buddies to come and finish the garage interior and I was supposed to order all the wood to frame the basement. When I said WHAT? He said, well, call your lawyer and get them to draw up a prenup agreement, we will get married and I promise everything will be good.
Went to the police
I panicked. On my lunch break I went to the police station to see if I could get some help to get him out of the house. The officer asked a millions questions and finally got out of me (not the reason I went there), but I ended up confessing that our relationship had been physical. He has thrown me around, pulled me across the floor by my hair, flipped me over his leg, held his fist over me, football tackled me and said he was going to (effn) kill me.
In a whirlwind, the police came to my house, but he had a suspicion that something was going on, because I didn’t come home for lunch and he couldn’t get a hold of me all afternoon (and I’m not like that) ”¦ he had left the house. The next day he called me at work and I told him that the police were looking for him; he couldn’t believe what I had done. He did turn himself in.
He broke the no contact order we had when he contacted my daughter (who was back half time with me) and said it was a matter of life and death. I talked to him (because of course I was worried) and somehow he convinced me that he had changed and that we can work on things. He also convinced me to write a letter to the crown prosecutor explaining that I didn’t mean for all this to happen—which was the truth—I was only wanting some help to get him out of my house, but then the truth came out. But, it didn’t convince anyone and he ended up pleading guilty.
Dating again
After the court date, we still were somewhat together. He promised me that things would be better and he was getting help and that he needed me by his side to do all this as if I wasn’t then he had nothing to work towards”¦so I did. We dated, went out for nice suppers, went on small weekend trips and things were nice. This is what it was supposed to be like all this time, but I never did get. I liked the space from him, however, over the next month he started to become anxious again. At one point he said that if he wasn’t moved back in by April that it was over. I said, well then it’s over cause you’re not moving back in.
From that point on, it was a quick down slide ”¦ I wasn’t wanting to be around him anymore but didn’t know how to get rid of him. If I didn’t answer his millions of texts, then he would call, if I ignored his calls, he would show up”¦at my work, my house ”¦ wherever ”¦ and he would make a scene.
Easter was coming up and he asked what I was cooking, and I said it was just me and the kids, so just a chicken. He said he would buy a turkey. I asked why? He said, because I want a turkey and I said, please, just let me and the kids have a quiet holiday. Then he said, “I’m going to buy a fucking turkey, you’re going to cook the fucking turkey, we are going to sit and have a family fucking meal!” I ended up cooking the turkey and we sat together.
Shot a horse
After supper we went out to shoot this new paintball gun that he and my son bought. (This is where I did something wrong.) We were driving and I saw this horse up on a hill — quite far off the road. I took the paintball gun and out of curiosity wondering if it could reach it, I shot the horse in the BUM. The horse barely moved but I got it on the hindquarter. I know it was a stupid move, but I knew where I was aiming and I didn’t hurt it, it just sat there looking at me ”¦ well little did I know, he actually was videotaping me.
A couple weekends later after constant bickering back and forth, he used the video against me. He came to my work and stood on this hill by the parking lot and held the phone up and yelled, “You should see this video of this mom shooting this horse; maybe someone should show social services.” He ended up calling the police on me, however, once I spoke to the officer, he just gave me a warning and let it go!
That was the very officer that called him a “sociopath,” a word I never heard before, but that night I sat at my computer and Googled it. Dr. Hare’s list came up, and it was BANG ON!
Called my bosses
Earlier to this, he called all of my bosses and left messages with them, one ended up calling him back and he ranted and raved about things that my boss said wasn’t valid except one thing. He said that I broke client/broker confidentiality; however, when I explained to my boss what I said, he dismissed it. But then I found out from another boss that he told that other boss that we had sex in the office. The entire day he drove around my office to see if my van was gone, as he thought I would be fired (his whole plan).
Even after that, he weaseled his way back to me. I asked him how he could say that he loves me so much yet try to get me fired. What would you have done if right now, I am standing in front of you and I DID get fired”¦what would you do then? You know what he said? “I would take care of you.” I was mortified.
This isn’t all of it either”¦there’s SO much more”¦
He’s engaged
To date, we go to trial soon on yet another three charges recently laid on him. He plead not guilty to this one though. I found out just the other day that he is ENGAGED”¦ after telling me over and over that I was his last relationship and if I ended it, then I have ended him, but apparently he has found love again and in just a short few months (no more than four). I wonder if she got my old engagement ring the ring from the girl prior to me. LOL
Healing is taking a long, long, long time. He never stole the kind of money from me that yours did to you; I simply didn’t have it. But he lived off of me for free, drove and abused my vehicles, treated my kids good one day horrible the next, while I paid for camping trips, holidays, food, bills, entertainment, etc., and that’s devastating enough.
He grabbed nearly all the gifts he ever gave to me, every birthday, Christmas gift or whatever gifts, and even a potato bin that he made me. I voluntarily gave back a wooden garbage bin and computer desk he made for me, in an attempt to avoid him showing up again and screaming for the things he calls HIS. He said they were only mine if he was around. I never received nor asked for one thing back that I had given to him. A while back, when he was winterizing my trailer, I asked if he would do this for me come spring, and he said, “If I’m not fucking you, I do nothing for free.”
Some of his favorite sayings were: “God always gives me what I want.” At prayer time at supper, he would end his prayer with, “Thank you for not giving us what we deserve,” and my favorite, “If you would just shut up and be good, every thing would be fine.” Ironic that he prays at supper every night yet, steals from others that day.
Sociopath
I have gone through the Dr. Hare’s list for sociopath and I could give you many, many examples of each and every “sign” he lists. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that my ex is a sociopath, just as that officer said.
I am trying to educate myself to understand what happened”¦how to avoid another relationship like this one, and how to make sure that IF he ever reappears, that I have the strength to walk away. This is a deep-seated fear. He has taken my self-confidence, and for the first time in my life, I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. I have calmed down A LOT, but I still feel it inside, and it’s going to take a while before I move on.
Weirdly enough, I grieved this relationship ending more than I did when my marriage ended. That I don’t quite understand. I believe, though, it is because this was an emotional abuse relationship, whereas my marriage simply ended. The worst part of all of this is, it really has grown my children and I apart.
My ex-husband uses the tension and horrid memories against me in an attempt to have both kids go and live with him (at least a week and a week), as he is not too proud to take child support from me. He is manipulative and at the drop of a dime would take everything away from me, too. He is just jealous of how successful I became without him, and would love to see me fail.
So I have been trying to rebuild this crumbled relationship with my kids. My daughter and I are good, she missed a lot of the tension at home when she moved out, but is back with me a week on and a week off, but she is 17 now and won’t be home for much longer. My son (age 12) is another story; it’s a bridge I have to cross soon.
Thank you for your book
Thank you for your book; it was one of many steps I have to take on my road to recovery. Only those who have personally been preyed upon can understand the depths of our words. To others, it is just a story ”¦ a devastating one, but still a story. To us, every word cuts like a knife, every story reeks of familiarity.
At times, while reading your story I thought to myself”¦HOW can our stories be SO alike ”¦ did she look into my windows? How can sociopaths read from the very same book and act exactly alike BANG ON!!! It was creepy to read and one day I’m going to reopen your book and highlight everything that was MY life that you lived.
I have often thought of writing my own book. Perhaps one day and maybe as a healing method. Thank you for taking your time to read this, I know it is long winded but to be honest, this is still only a glimpse of all that happened. Looking back, I wonder how I walk upright. Perhaps it will help someone else as your book helped me.
Hi Panther,
Yes, it seemed wildly improbable to me that such a hard-boiled, egotistical misogynist would do anything at all to harm his beloved self! As I was saying, I think there never was an “incident” or hospital visit, and the entire thing was simply a fabrication. Fits the pattern to a T.
However, I have to say, you do sound a bit “trauma bonded” to him. This is perfectly normal, but I mention this because his long-term behavior has been so utterly reprehensible – and yet he was still able to get a reaction out of you over this whole “suicide charade.” Nevertheless, his actions towards you were so “beyond the pale,” that technically you shouldn’t feel anything for him save loathing and contempt. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but any man who slaps his girlfriend around, calls her a “cum-bucket” (it’s painful to even type the words!), and strangles her till she spits up blood – I have to tell you Panther, in my book, such a person has no right to anything but a bullet in the forehead! (Forgive my bluntness, it’s how I grew up!) And certainly no right to an ounce of your concern or affection. In short, I fear that you are too nice for your own good!
Life has a definite value, but for me there are infinitely more precious values than mere “life”; for example, love, honor, friendship, beauty, etc. Well, people who trample and spit on these things have very little value for me, and I think it’s overly sentimental to keep even the remotest bonds of affection for them.
Anyhow, you sound quite sweet, smart and good-natured. But I think what you really have to ask is how you lasted three years with such an abusive monster. (i.e., Why didn’t you “walk” the first time he laid hands on you?) At any rate, figuring them out is half the battle, and in a sense, the easy part. What is more complicated is figuring out the point of weakness in ourselves that made the abuse possible at all.
Oxy,
In your 4:40pm post you say after the first paragraph, “This is not true.” When I read that I thought it must be a typo, because the preceding paragraph seemed pretty accurate to me. Did you mean to say, “This is so true”?
Anyhow, I think this guy’s whole blog experiment is terrible for educational purposes, because they DO seem to be mediocre parents. But as we know, mediocre parenting doesn’t create psychopaths. As I read the “comments” section, however, I was more struck by the usual “If this kid got more hugs this never would have happened” claptrap. (Actually, I found the whole “comments” section to be strikingly ignorant. Especially the way in which people seem to be conflating RAD with Psychopathy. Yes, too much “alphabet souping” by half!) Perhaps, but from what I see this kid was clearly hardwired to turn out bad, and it’s a safe bet that no one here would have fared any better with him – even people with less superficial views about Christmas!
And for those who have pointed out his “clinically detached” attitude, well, I wonder how any of us would have felt after spending a single week with this kid – let alone a decade or more!
Panther,
Your story about meeting his friend intrigues me. I’m certain it was a setup. And I think you’ve just uncovered another spath trick, which is done as a tag team.
Some spaths are really good at being casanovas and some can barely get a woman to stand still and talk to them. But they have certain things in common: dishonesty, cheating, wanting a woman as a beard, etc… So what a perfect spath trick to get a woman to fall for the lame spath, first get the casanova to break her heart and she will be available on the rebound for his friend.
That is exactly what happened to my good sister and now I think it was a trick, rather than love. Which btw, she is still married 27 years later to him and she won’t admit she is miserable.
Her husband is a successful executive and provides for her, mostly because she has sacrificed her career so that he would be free to uproot the family as he was promoted and moved to new locations. They have 3 grown kids, all doing pretty well, though none are completely emotionally healthy.
Her husband is an extreme narcissist, who throws tantrums in front of her extended family because he feels entitled to. He brags about making more money than anyone in the extended family. He loves to gamble, though he is extremely frugal with money when grocery shopping. He takes my sister on vacations which are often gifts from the corp he works for, but he will often go by himself on gambling vacations. His best friend growing up, Kevin, later became my “good friend” – but in fact he was having sex with my spath, or something because he knew all along that my spath was “gay” and using me for a beard. I’ve always thought that my BIL seemed gay too.
When my spath sister married the trojan horse spath in hawaii, my good sister had to beg and cry to be allowed to go to the wedding. He didn’t like the fact that she was going to Hawaii without him. He told me that if she went, he would divorce her.
This man isn’t normal but I’ve never thought of him as a spath until you told your story, Panther. To trick someone’s emotions like that wouldn’t be hard, especially if you knew my sister: honest to a fault, kind, caring, extremely responsible. She is the perfect beard for an ambitious spath.
WOW, Panther…Your story sounds “UN-believable,” so I BELIEVE IT! (Head shaking here)
Yes, we do feel SHAME for being so badly duped by the psychopaths! I mean, DUH? Ain’t it obvious to anyone with “one eye and half sense” that this is just one big old fake??? Well, yea it is obvious in HIND SIGHT but not at the time we are falling for it.
One of the things that was so healing for me that I found here at LF is that there are so many BRIGHT, INTELLIGENT, EDUCATED people here that have been just as STOOOOOPID and gullible as I was. So I am NOT alone, first off, and secondly, I am NOT STUPID.
That knowing I am not alone, and NOT stupid was very important to me because I FELT VERY ALONE and I felt very stupid. But when I realized that there are others here who are in my same shoes and have been hoodwinked, it helped, it really did.
There are various things that make us gullible, and various things that make us VULNERABLE to the psychopaths.
The “filling in the blanks” on an internet relationship to make it fit our fantasy is one of the things we do if we are vulnerable. Plus, something/someone who is from a different culture I think is sometimes more “attractive” to us because it is exotic.
After my husband died, I dated a guy that I knew slightly from our living history group, but hadn’t known him nearly as well as I thought I did…but because I was NEEDY and lonely, and as a 57 year old woman I didn’t have lines of guys outside my door, I fell for his line….when actually he was just looking for another “respectable” wife to keep his harem in line! His previous wife of 32 years had caught him cheating and tossed him out.
Interestingly enough, for some reason he had this “thing” about nurses, in fact, most of his “harem” of girl friends were nurses and the girlfriend after me that he eventually married is a nurse. Maybe he was trying to line himself up a care giver for when he got old and sick…who knows?
But in our neediness and vulnerability, we fill in the blanks and make these people fit our needs at the time….they help us along with their “love bombing” to meet their own needs as well. It is a bomb waiting to explode.
Constantine, that was a QUOTE lifted from the blog (the last post on the comments section)
I think what the blogger was referring to was that psychopathy isn’t cured by “love.”
I agree with you about the entire blog…and having worked with these kids in an inpatient setting, having talked to their parents, and seen the devastation that is heaped upon their heads…especially when they have wanted a child so badly and then couldn’t have one, and took in this “sweet little child” (infant or older kid doesn’t seem to matter) and they turned out to be ROSEMARY’S BABY. Having raised my own version of Rosemary’s Baby…though mine didn’t “morph” until puberty, I can definitely relate. I wasn’t an ideal or perfect parent either, but I was definitely an adequate one who was driven to distraction by fear—fear for my child and fear OF my child.
Oxy,
Okay, that makes more sense! I forgot to mention one other thing: what astonished me most of all was not so much this man’s “ironic detachment” – I get that part; but rather the fact that even after he KNEW exactly what he was dealing with, he would continue to say things like, “Lucas was home for a few weeks and we had a really nice time together.” (Really?!!!) There were several instances of this, in fact; but in any case, it was as though he saw the thing for exactly what it was, yet couldn’t always find sufficient fortitude to resist the illusion. Curious, to say the least.
I guess what it comes down to is the old, “There’s good in everyone” nonsense – only squared or cubed since the person in question is a child. And if our culture can’t grasp the fact that this is false for a large number of adults, how will it ever understand that it’s equally misleading in the case of many children?
Constantine,
I agree with you, that what is “PC” in our society and culture is not necessarily TRUE….not everyone is created “equal” in talents, brains, or anything else except their basic humanity. Some people are born smart, and some MR, some tall and some short, some with talent A and some with talent B and some with little or nothing in the way of “talent.”
What we are “born with” is not ours to brag about, but is a gift from God or nature (whatever your belief is) and is something that we, I think, are obligated to use to give back to the world to the extent we can. At the very least we should pull our own weight in the universe.
Some people are voluntary parasites on the rest of the human race, however, and some just literally can’t pull their weight. Our culture and society tell us that we must care for those who are unable to care for themselves….I believe in that. Other cultures (such as the Nazis and some hunter-gatherer cultures with limited resources) do not care for those who are physically unable to care for themselves, but essentially “put them down.” The Inuit and the San peoples both did this in times of famine and want for elderly or ill. I read somewhere that in the Inuit culture that a psychopath who abused others would be “pushed off the ice into the ocean” by a member of the community, and sometimes I can see that being appropriate in the case of some parasitic and or violent psychopaths.
Our country uses incarceration of various “criminals” to attempt to attempt stop or slow down the criminal behavior. I think that the use of it, as it is being used, is not working, and there needs to be a better assessment of the individuals who should be locked up and for a longer period of time to protect society, and those that should be TREATED. Until that is sorted out, I don’t think we can build prisons fast enough or hire enough guards to do the job of protecting society from psychopaths. Whatever we are doing is not doing a good job, so I think we need to change tactics.
Hey everyone,
I just woke up (really different time zone over here) and I am off to work. I will respond later. I read all your responses but I have to catch the train soon!
Take care until then,
Panther
Constantine, Oxy, Skylar:
Constantine: Thank you for your strong words and your level headed view of it. Trauma bonded is part of it, and another part of it is that I was completely in love with the guy he pretended to be before he started to change. There is a double slam in this situation for me, because I feel that I lost the “love of my life” which would induce painful mourning alone. But then to top it off, my “soul mate” essentially “died” and before I could process his death, a demon started torturing me. It was overwhelming. Also, I think he is a “high level demon” meaning very very twisted spath, based on what I am reading about them, and his gas-lighting completely disoriented me. He’s the type that took psychologists for a trip around the galaxy and still has his family so blind that I think he could kill one of them and their ghost would float above him in death thinking it was their fault he had killed them. I’m trying to process it all the best that I can, but I keep returning to the same point: he was a sociopath. That’s how it was possible. YES I am too kind for my own good, but abuse isn’t something I would have taken from anyone. Yet along comes the spath, actually TWO of them, and I was completely blind-sided.
Ox: It is a true story, and I haven’t even dared to start with any details. It gets more and more bizarre as it goes, and when I repeat any of it now, I realize how “gone” I was at the time. This site has helped SO MUCH because I did think I was just a total idiot for falling for these tricks. When the first one found me, I was an independent woman with a 4.0 on a scholarship at a great school….but I was going through a divorce from the most non-sociopathic man I’ve ever met. He and I ended it on really good terms, but I was lonely when I was suddenly on my own again. In came a guy who love-bombed my good sense out of me and swept me off my feet. Here’s a slick move of his: I mentioned that my favorite quote was “Awake, arise, or be forever fallen” and he immediately said, “Wow! No way! I have that tattoo on me!” The advantage of the internet here….well, you can see it. But the manipulation remains the same. When I finally did get intimate with him, I remember looking for that tattoo. And looking. And looking. And looking….. Yes, I was born a bit on the gullible side (which I think is an initial side effect of being really honest), and I was vulnerable when that jerk showed up. I barely graduated, but I made it through. I’m cleaning up so many pieces still from that bomb….and the second bomb that just exploded.
Skylar: I feel for your sister. Her husband is definitely something, probably an spath, because I cannot think of any reasonable reason for him not wanting her to attend her sister’s wedding other than selfishness and a need to control her. That sounds all too much like something my ex would try to pull.
Yes, it was some sort of set-up, but I don’t think they planned it all out. I just think they were working together and taking advantage of opportunities as they saw them. I think the second one was probably talking to me sometimes long before I even knew he existed. Turkish culture is…oh my…the things I learned after moving there….I have heard more horror stories in the past 3 years than ever in my life before moving there. I cannot tell you how many times I heard another news report about a boyfriend getting his “girlfriend” to trust him enough to come to his house, only for him to tie her up and then let all his friends rape her. THEN the prevailing belief in that culture is that the woman DESERVED it and she should be punished for SEDUCING all those men. That is a culture that still has honor killings in some regions…the practice in which brothers and cousins throw rocks at their sister/cousin until she dies….all for crimes as small as TALKING to a boy alone.
Hello!
Although my story here is long winded and a “whirlwind” of events, it is a mere glimpse of all that happened. Somedays, I don’t know what happened first, the chicken or the tornado. In November of this year, we are in trial as he is fighting yet another string of charges, one placed by me and two placed by the police. I am struggling to try to put dates with events, as I don’t want to look scattered and stupid in front of the judge. But everything is such a blurr…I know what happened, but not sure why or when. I am hoping that by that time, I am more composed and settled.
My mom recently said – Please don’t get mad, but you act like you were married to him for 30 years…I don’t understand why you can’t just move on” I have been plaqued with that exact question until I started reading the 100’s and 100’s of posts on LF’s Blog. I am AMAZED at the frightening simular stories of those I haven’t nor ever will meet. Even while reading Donna’s story I wondered if she looked in MY window and wrote parts of her book…but how can that be, her story was years prior to mind.
Each day I find a new reason to be happy…it always starts with my children, my unfailing faith, my gratefulness to life and of course with him not being around. My heart aches less and less each day but I have to say, when I heard he was engaged, it pinched my heart. Not cause I wanted that (cause I broke our engagement off), but that he could utter the words “YOU are my last relationship and if you break up with me then you’ve ruined my life and I will do anything to ruin yours”. Well, he was truthful with one part…he DID try to ruin my life with all he had, but I am smarter and stronger than he ever gave me credit. I even said to him once (in a dangerous verbal war fight) … “WHY would you chose someone as strong as me, someone who won’t bow down … you need someone weak and passive and will break when you bend them” He said – “cause I love you and the challenge”.
I read in on the the posts earlier today, someone said that everytime they feel like they are slipping or having a weak moment, they come to this site. I do the exact thing…it reaffirms what I already know, but my heart won’t let go of, that he is BAD, always was, always will.
As far as my children, I love them more each and everyday. I took for granted that they would always be there with me and now I see they are much more fragile than I ever thought. I am completely and totally concentrating on them and my needs, everything else is fluff and will fall where it falls. Like I said, I chose THEM and that’s why I moved him out. I only hope one day they see that.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I have read so many of yours and my heart aches for each one. Often I found myself reading with my hands over my mouth in two reactions…1. that poor victim and 2. how do they know my life.
I have to trust that I am strong enough to overcome. I have ordered “The Betrayal Bond”, should be here any day. And when I’m done that, if need be I will find something else until my heart and head have the same positive outcome. However long it takes, then it takes…he stripped me of nearly 3 years of my life…what’s a few more to heal.
Thanks everyone – God Bless your journey!!!