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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Before marriage, do your homework

Editor’s note: The following article was received by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”

It’s been over a year since I discovered that the man that I married had been living a double-life before we ever even met. My vulnerabilities were the beacon that he gravitated towards: exiting an abusive marriage, loving to my children, spiritually “grounded,” artistic and creative, and all of these attributes and vulnerabilities in addition to a “socially connected” family with a colorful history were exploitable and desirable.

I believed his words and assertions because I wanted to. I “needed” to feel validated and valued because I couldn’t provide this to myself, on my own. I’ve mentioned this, before, but I represented only 3 things to the exspath. I was a “safe mommy” figure. A substantially older woman who was nurturing, encouraging, supportive, and tolerant. I was a “cloak of respectability.” The exspath’s true nature is so deviant and self-serving that my “attributes” and family history could provide a respectable cover for him. I came with money. My father worked, very hard, to be a successful man and I had been raised in a middle-class environment that bordered on upper-middle-class except that he was frugal and didn’t flaunt his amassed wealth.

When my father passed, I was still unmarried to the exspath. He had asked to marry me during a camping trip and I accepted his proposal. He seemed fun. He seemed to genuinely love me, care about me, and to love and care about my children. He even attended meetings with the court-ordered social worker that was assigned to my case. He was spontaneous and seemed to have a sense of responsibility. After all, he worked in the office of a state prison and that was a substantial responsibility.

“Integrity” and “honesty”

After we married, I maintained my trust in the exspath. He openly disdained his coworkers’ extramarital activities and their illegal misdeeds. From multiple affairs to using illegal substances, he would vociferously malign his coworkers and state (and, I quote), “I won’t ever do those things.” He constantly spoke, in veiled terms, of his “integrity” and honesty. He would make demonstrations of this, whenever possible, that (in retrospect) seem entirely coincidental. One example of this was when he received a number of holiday cards from coworkers with substantial cash enclosed as “thank you’s: for his having scheduled overtime for these employees. We were quite broke, and he insisted that he was going to return the money because it would be “unethical” to keep it. To this day, I’m almost certain that he did nothing of the sort and simply used the cash for other purposes. Another example was a terrible leak in our roof that wasn’t covered by insurance unless it was caused by wind or storm damage. An adjuster apparently made a veiled suggestion that a missing shingle or two would result in repairs and his response to that suggestion was (and, I quote), “I don’t have enough larceny in me to….” do that.

The exspath also used his words very carefully to maintain my trust. The first marriage was extremely abusive and I endured beatings, verbal abuse, financial abuse, threats of suicide and murder, and extreme sexual abuse. I had disclosed these facts to him and, true to spath form, he asserted (again, I quote), “I will never abuse you like that.” And, he didn’t abuse me “like that” in the abuses that I had previously experienced. He was very careful to avoid angry discussions or expressions of anger within the relationship because (again, I quote), “I can’t stand arguing. That’s all my parents do is argue.”

My inheritance

My inheritance had been bequeathed in such a way that I would not be able to touch the principal until I was 45 years of age. I believe that my father wrote this clause to prevent the first exspath from claiming any part of this inheritance, legally, under the guise of child support (we each had custody of a child), and the exspath was well aware of this, as well. I trusted him, implicitly, and he always had “an answer” that seemed reasonable and sensible.

But, I had not healed in any manner from my previous experiences with the first abusive exspath, and I wasn’t looking hard enough at the second exspath’s family dynamics, behaviors, friends, or associates. Perhaps, I didn’t “want” to look hard enough and I was isolated, seemingly by choice, but clearly by his design, in retrospect. The second exspath convinced me to trust his abilities in investing and frequently criticized my investment broker for having “failed” to alert me of trends in the markets, etc. When I turned 45, the exspath blew the doors open on my finances, convinced me to “fire” my investment broker, and laid waste to my investments within 2 1/2 years through coercions, forgeries, gaslighting, and endless cash withdrawals.

I asked my counseling therapist, “Why didn’t I see this happening?” Well, we all know why we never “saw” the spaths for what they were. We didn’t want to believe that anyone that we loved could be capable of the abuses that they perpetrated, so those behaviors and choices never happened.

No-fault divorce

Now, I’m in the end-stages of a “no fault” divorce. Since the exspath left the marital home, I have existed in a state of poverty that I could never have imagined deserving or even possible. I lost my primary home and the cash equity that I had in that home. I lost a studio that I had paid for. I lost my transportation. I had to relocate to a property that I had been coerced into purchasing, IN CASH, that is remote, falling apart, in an extremely depressed county, very few opportunities for employment, managing a lifelong condition, and with no hope of financial recovery.

The state in which we were married maintains “No Fault” divorce, and this means that whatever one party has done to destroy a marriage, the only legal issue is “equitable distribution” of property and assets. The exspath could be a pedophile, and this fact would have no impact upon division of property or the granting of alimony. Indeed, even the forgeries that the exspath clearly committed will not be a factor in my divorce because there are no punitive damages awarded in “No Fault” divorce. The exspath will not face being charged with a Federal Offense, nor will he experience any anxiety with regard to his misdeeds. The exspath will never face a single consequence for his actions.

Of course, if I had the opportunity to go back in time and review the second exspath’s family dynamics and observe him, independently of my codependent state when we first began living together, I would have never entered into a legal contract of marriage with him. But, I can’t change the past. I can’t live in a state of regret.

Today, I’m living with an auto-immune disorder and multiple emotional issues that will take me the rest of my life to sort out. Yes, I’m angry at the exspath. I’m also angry at myself because I trusted him to a such a degree that it allowed him to dismantle every aspect of my life and render me destitute. I’m angry that “No Fault” means exactly that: it’s nobody’s fault that the marriage ended. But, I have the opportunity of a lifetime: to “get it right” and learn who I am, whom I’m supposed to be, and to make some kind of difference in some capacity.

Hard-won wisdom

I don’t know what I’m “supposed” to be doing, but I do know that I can face my Life with a new set of eyes and some hard-won wisdom. I know that this marriage is finally going to be declared dead in a few weeks. I know that the exspath won’t be able to argue that alimony won’t be “sustainable,” as his attorney asserts. I know that I am going to recover, in due time. And, I know that I am a valuable human being with my own attributes that I intend to hold tight unto myself.

For those of you who may read this before you enter into a legal binding contract of marriage with someone that you believe to be your soul mate or “The One,” for the love of God, do the homework. Wait. Watch. Observe. And, put your feelings aside and see this potential mate with an objective eye. Even one “Red Flag” is reason enough to stop, look, listen, and make an educated, objective decision about your own well-being. Nobody is worth tolerating damage for, under any circumstances. Even if the damages aren’t physically abusive, pay attention to the words and assertions. What kind of person needs to convince another person that they will “never” be like the “other guy/gal?” The only type of person who would make such assertions and guarantees is someone who has an agenda. We cannot promise anyone that we’ll never hurt them or abuse them. We don’t know whether our own actions will cause hurt or be interpreted as abusive. Given that fact of human nature, anyone who makes such glib and sweeping promises is attempting to convince us of something that is, for all intents and purposes, impossible.

Marriage contract

A contract of marriage is a legal, binding arrangement. It’s not something that can be easily dissolved if the relationship disintegrates. It costs very little to apply for license to marry. In most states, less than $100. To divorce without children, it can cost upwards of $6000, especially if the divorce is bitter and spath behaviors abound. In the cases where children, custody, and visitation are issues, legal fees can run into the tens of thousands with countless hours wasted in Courtroom hearings, and anxiety levels that exceed human tolerance.

It’s not a crime to make a mistake in our choices of partners. We aren’t going to stop living if we walk away from a relationship that is questionable. We’ll survive, recover, and move on with our lives with wisdom under our belts before we choose another partner. If we call it quits with someone who is manipulative, abusive, and wholly toxic, we have not “failed.”

I will be “paying” the consequences for marrying a second exspath for the rest of my life, and my refusal to walk away when I had the opportunity and finances to do so falls squarely upon my shoulders. I didn’t “deserve” this, but the exspath perpetrated his crimes and sins, regardless of what I deserved. I own my choices because I’m in possession of empathy, conscience, and remorse. The exspath owns nothing because he is a hollow, deviant, and malevolent Thing. For this raw truth, I am grateful.


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54 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Before marriage, do your homework"

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Dear Adelade, my heart goes out to you, for i have been thru something similar. The same emotional, mental, etc. Abuse, but no severe loss of monetary value. At present, am reading and posting here from my phone for the internet is gone. Gratefull for the means to still read here! As i have read any times here, just OMG! It never ceases to blow my mind…the heinous acts these malevolent creatures inflict upon soooooo many unsuspecting, and naieve women and men as well. Am so thankful for this blog, and Donna’s dedication in starting LOVEFRAUD to alert and benifit people everywhere. Best wishes to you adelade!

This is very well written and a “take responsibility” for ones self article. I am glad you are out of this and you sound well on your way to healing.

I, too, am paying a lifelong price for my choices and I own them. I also suffer from an autoimmune disease and a birth defect which causes chronic ocular and cluster migraines. I know how this stress and the emotional highs play such a role in the balancing act we must do to keep the medical issues in check.

It’s nice to meet you and thank you for letting everyone here know, it doesn’t matter where you are in life, a spath can take it all in a moment, a day, months years etc…

They are a dangerous mistake to make.

I so wish that somehow “don’t fall for the fairy tail girls, there IS no Prince Charming” could be incorporated into every schools curriculum for 2nd or 3rd grade girls. I believe it is at that age…or earlier…we get this false and destructive idea in our brains that we have a soul mate and when we meet this one true love we will KNOW its right and live happily ever after. Girls need to be taught that not everything that glitters is gold.

Wow, Adelade. Imagining that anyone could go through a horrible nightmare and have to live with the feelings of pain and betrayal twice is heartbreaking. I pray that you are doing well in your recovery. 
I’m still living in fear and although I am nowhere near ready to date again I obsess over learning different red flags so that I will never be deceived again. Your words: “pay attention to the words and assertions. What kind of person needs to convince another person that they will “never” be like the “other guy/gal?” The only type of person who would make such assertions and guarantees is someone who has an agenda. We cannot promise anyone that we’ll never hurt them or abuse them. We don’t know whether our own actions will cause hurt or be interpreted as abusive. Given that fact of human nature, anyone who makes such glib and sweeping promises is attempting to convince us of something that is, for all intents and purposes, impossible” -helped me understand clearly what the type of glibness I should look out for… 
It’s sad because I think I may have come close to falling for this sick preditory nonsense again and twice within two weeks. I’m not sure if I’m just paranoid now or if these were just typical jerks and not an “S”. What I do know is that my guard is up and I am true to my boundaries and listening to my feelings. If it doesn’t feel right I don’t continue the communication.

I hope evrything works out for the best for you and your family. There’s no way to go but up from here. Stay positive and never take your ability to love for granted. It could be worse, you could be one of them.

Oh my, going thru some old photo’s and alas out falls a picture of the X, he doesnt look like a monster at all. He’s in the pool with the doxies. thought i had thrown all evidence away. That was so long ago, four and a half years..I miss him.

Adelade,

I can totally relate to your article. During my marriage, I experienced tremendous financial abuse. Spaths are notoriously crooked. I’m sorry for your losses. My attitude is that as long as we’re breathing, there is hope (for a better present and future). I hope that you are able to rebuild a life that you are satisfied with, one that gives you pleasure, peace, joy, happiness, etc. You deserve it.

hens, my dear: i took all the photos and mementos and packed
them away in a box, in the bottom of the garage, where they
won’t be found for a very long time. i want NOTHING to remind
me of this horrid time in my life.

i find myself missing mine, from time to time, too…
but it was the illusion of what i THOUGHT was there
that I miss. Just thinking about being BACK in all that,
well, it gives me a HUGE migraine and makes me want
to just run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was lied to, manipulated, abused, disrespected, you name it.
there is no going back to that. especially when you KNOW your
life just isn’t on the ‘safe side’ being around a ‘being’ like that.
what about the death threats and attempts; hm?

letting go is hard but we are better off for it.
remember that.
stay strong and remember who you are….

“I” happen to think you are pretty awesome…
for whatever MY opinion is worth to ya.

you hang in there and don’t give into those memories.
they just aren’t worth it.

love ya hens ~

Dupey

Dear Adelade,

I totally agree with you. ANY marriage with anyone should have an “agreement” about how the property is settled in the event of a divorce…not settle that AFTER the marriage is underway.

My husband had been my friend for 20 + years BEFORE we married and I knew him inside and out, but we had an agreement BEFORE we got married about finances….not only about divorce, but about what happened if one of us died…as well as a will…and We had NO problems with his kids about our marital assets because they are great kids, BUT I am still glad that we had the agreement because it gave me peace of mind.

I advise ANY person when they are young and “in luvvvve” to still get a property agreement in place BEFORE marriage. With divorce laws being what they are and varying from state to state….better safe than sorry. I also advise that each party have a separate FUND that is theirs….and theirs alone….even in community property states so that in the event that you need to GET AWAY you have a few bucks to do it with, not be STUCK with a kid on each hip and NO money at all.

thanx dupey – I just didnt have anyone but you guys to share that with.. I did find many photos that gave me warm feelings…some of my dogies that have passed…pics of the boys when they were young and thot i hung the moon..oh my..photo’s are becoming kinda obsolete with the new digital computer era…I have boxes of them I need to go threw, but I always want to throw up when I start it so i just stop..thanx dupey, your right i dont want to go back to that madness but there were good times dupey, or we would not of put up with them for so long…life goes on

i understand you hens.
sometimes you have been that person I have shared with.
I can’t bare to look at any of it any more. In fact, the length
of time my computer was down, getting upgraded, etc., I took
every thing OFF my computer that had anything at all to do
with “IT”. I put it all on a storage device and packed all that
away too. I just want it ALL out of my sight now, for eternity.

The only reminiscing I do, now, is the slight ruminating in
the mornings. we are trying different things with my meds,
right now, to find something that will work appropriately for
me, to stave off those mornings I seem to spend in hell.

Sometimes I have nobody to talk to except myself.
I hate going through pictures. UGH!

Right: I know “I” sure don’t want to go back to that
madness. And that is all it was too. You can’t afford
to remember the good times, hens – that’s when it hurts.
Do yourself a favor, and if your’s was anything like mine,
do yourself a HUGE FAVOR and remember all the bad times.
Forget and throw away all those we THOUGHT were good
because they were all lies anyways. Those worthless pieces
of crap and useless pieces of flesh.

We put up with them for too long, hens, because we loved
them and they used us and made us do tricks and laughed
at us and when they were finished with their entertainment,
they threw us in the trash which is where I have had the
opportunity NOW to do some trash taking out of my own!
It feels real good to be empowered again. Ya gotta just
remember who you are. Who you have always been.
Stick with that and you will do okay.

Nite hens ~
Remember I think the world of you.

*Prayers to Shalom, one/joy, CQueen and all of the
other Brothers and Sisters on our blog, who are
in a point of suffering in their lives. May the Great
One bring them peace and sustenance for the journey.

Dupey
xxoo

one/joy_step_at_a_time

beautiful benediction dupey: ‘*Prayers to Shalom, one/joy, CQueen and all of the other Brothers and Sisters on our blog, who are in a point of suffering in their lives. May the Great
One bring them peace and sustenance for the journey.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hens, i think my take is a bit different than dupey’s is. i stuffed down/ blocked off the memories (many good, and may seriously hot) about the n ex. it was the only way i felt i could get free of her. but now, i feel free. i am in her city today and even a month ago that made me twitch. today it doesn’t. always progress..but i digress.

the first 2 days after being told i had cancer were a serious stunned/ shocked roller coaster of a time. I have a painting that reminds me of the n ex. looks like her. I looked at it, thought of her and cried, and said ‘i am sorry’. I do not know to whom or what I was apologizing – and maybe i wasn’t maybe it was i am sorry this horrible thing happened to her or to me (knowing her)…or maybe i was talking to me, back then. What I do know is that i have some space for stuff to come up in now. it feels safe enough (no need to worry about the slippery throw rugs when the house is burning!) to feel my feelings. I don’t mis HER, but i do miss things about MYSELF back then. That’s just before a lot of very bad things started to happen. i want to feel and release now. now just shut down for safety.

i DO still miss the fake boy. but every day I understand that more and more. Do you remember me talking about a friend whose whole family was stabbed by a teen-rager psychotic, who was self medicated and over medicated? (this one ranks with you know who in the list of ‘should be run over with a truck’ – little bastard is now posting on his fb (10 years after the incident) that one of his favourite things is: ‘ being violent and getting away with it.’ fuuuuuuuuuck. Anyhoo, i digress, yet again. okay, so my friend and her kids are irreparably damaged – physically and mentally. I haven’t talked to my friend (who lives elsewhere in the country) in a very long time. she was not able to maintain friendships as she spiraled into hell. But she will always and forever be the person I have loved most in this life, my best friend ever. And I wanted to reach out to her around thanksgiving (we get it done up here before the frost is on the pumpkin) and just tell her that. And when i talked to her and her daughter i realized that part of what the fake boy had fake given me was what they REALLY gave me in the past. So, now i understand even more about how that evil lying sack of crap c duped me. She just gave me things i wanted. Simple. But untangling all those things, and seeing some of them as benign and good is the process i am in. Once i understand all the things that the fake boy fake represented, will i still miss him? If you have beauty and wonder and magical warmth in your life, or understand that that is what you want…do you still miss Santa?

anyway, this has been a ramble, but the point i want to make is – let yourself miss him for short and controlled periods of time. Figure out what you are missing through this. Let feelings flow through this, because THIS will help you become more alive. Then move on.

xoxoxox

one/joy

What a beautiful post! Very inspiring and oh so true!

I really liked this post of One Joy’s above. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with remembering the good times. Those good feelings are yours, hens. And you can feel them again, even if the source of them are memories of a bad person. They are still your memories and your feelings. Not his. We all have to have good feelings sometimes, and the only way we know to conjure them is from our own experiences of good times. For a short time in 2010 and maybe 2011, I used to conjure up the memory of the guy from Costa Rica whom I was no longer in touch with. I imagined he loved me, and that feeling of being loved got me through a lonely time in my life. It was really not so much about him, but as about that feeling of being loved. I needed it, and we all need to feel that way. The way I see it, it is a form of self-love to be able to generate that feeling, no matter where it comes from. I also believe that when we are feeling loved, we magnetize more love into our lives.

One Joy, I admire that way you are courageously facing your life. I hope and believe for you that generating the will to fight and mobilizing the resources to face your current physical condition will bring huge healing in your life on many levels. It is because of people like you that I keep following this blog, even though I have been free from the effects of my ex-spath for many years now. I enjoy reading about people who overcome huge adversity, because these people are the greatest teachers and healers. I recently read an account in a magazine of a woman’s battle with cancer, how she overcame it, and how in the process she learned to truly and deeply love herself. It was very inspiring. I wish I could remember the magazine, but I suspect, you will have your own personal story to tell, too.

Onesteprs,
Your right, I do have room to feel the good time’s, miss them and then realize how fake it all was..but he was flesh and bone, even if he only gave me what I wanted, even tho he was my illusion, he played the part very well at time’s. But YES, I have room to process this now, when way back when there was not anyroom to process the grief,,, it took years to move him out of mind enuff to feel the reality instead of the loss. That photo of him is right here, not ready to throw it out, it’s not botherin me, it kinda put’s things in perspective. There is always going to be a part of me that love’s him, that’s just a given for me and I am ok with that..
Thanks Onesteprs and Dupey…I had a mini panic attack last nite when I found that photo, it lasted about six and half minutes ~! That’s what I love about this place, I can unload and not be judged…best wishes to you One Joy….
and you to Duper’s…

Hens, I can identify. I still care about my narcissist, too. He was real, and there were good times. He wasn’t “all bad”, he wasn’t a monster…..although, he did some monstrous things, and he hurt me to the core. Do I want him back? Ahhhhh, no. Because the pain was bigger than the joy, much bigger, but, there was joy, and now, I have healed enough to admit it, and accept it, without it being a threat to me. That’s the hardest part, I think. The part that takes the most courage, Hens. To admit you can still be moved by a sentemental moment, but not be un-done by it. TOWANDA!

Kimmie, sometimes you come up with the most profound statements, short and sweet—

“To admit you can still be moved by a sentimental moment, but not be un-done by it.”

Ah yes, those sentimental moments…yesterday was one of those days too for me.

Thank-you, Oxy. 🙂

Well, the cook I worked with last night was schedualed to work til midnight. I left at a little after ten. I counted down my drawer, and put the sales money in a white paper bag, wrote my name and shift on it, along with the figures, stapeled it shut, and threw it under the locked office door, as I am supposed to do.
When I got to work, today, I was asked if I had trouble with the money last night. I said, no, why? And was told that the sales money was 50 dollars short.
Then, I was asked if I had written anything on the bag, and I said yes, like I always do, and was then told that the bag was blank…no name or shift or figures.
We keep a stack of these bags under the cash register, but there is always an unopened package of them wrapped in brown paper, in the back. My boss went to investigate, and the package had been opened, and only one bag removed, and another one lay on the floor in front of where the package was stored.
She must have taken a broom handle and fished around til she could swish it back under the door.
I remember there being TWO 50’s in the bag, and when my boss opened the bag this AM, there was only one.
This is the second time she’s done this. The first time she was busted because she opened the bag, and then re-stapeled it, and the spaples didn’t line up with the little holes from the first set of staples. so she changed her technique, and this time just used a new bag.
My boss was going to suspend me for three days, but I asked if I could just give her the money. I don’t even want to do that. It’s not right that this theif gets away with this, and I am made responsible. Any advise?

They all know it’s her, but they can’t prove it.

Kim, it IS UNFAIR for them to “fine” you for the theft that she did, and I am not even sure it is legal for them to do so.

Frankly I would not stand for it….you did what you are supposed to do and just because THE CAFE DOES NOT HAVE PROPER ways for you to secure your money is THEIR PROBLEM not yours.

I know you need your job, but how long can you keep on paying for this woman’s thefts?

I think you need to stand up against this one and tell them that YOU DEMAND that they have a way for you to secure the money that is SECURE….not one in which someone can get to the money when you put it where it is supposed to me.

As long as the owners get their money they don’t give a rat’s behind what the results are to YOU.

It is only going to be when THEY lose money that they will do something. There are ways that they can give you a SECURE place to put the money so that you are not penalized for other’s thefts.

Just MHO

Well, I even suggested they call the police and have the bag tested for finger-prints. If the cooks finger-prints are found, she’s busted. I haven’t heard back about that.
I told my daughter about this, and she suggested that perhaps my boss is not doing what SHE is supposed to do, and is afraid of HER boss finding out, so I’m the fall-guy. Could be.
They will start coming in at ten o’clock, now, like they did last time and they will secure the money….I’m wondering if that’s is what they are SUPPOSED to do, and that’s why they don’t want to take any responsibility.

Kim, I know you need the job but you are allowing them to scapegoat you. Your boss should have a safe that lets you drop the bag into it and not be able to fish it out again.

I would take the 3 day suspension because that will keep them from doing this to you again. If there is no gain for them, it won’t happen again. For all you know, it was YOUR BOSS who did this and she is triangulating you with the cook. spaths do this crap all the time. Next time it will be 100 bucks.

In the meantime, start looking for another job.

Kim,

OxD is correct. I have been in your shoes but it was me being blamed for taking cash from my fathers cash bag at work and in reality it was his coke snortin’ business partner who he grew up with! My sister did it to me too, come to think of it. I am going to give my dad credit here cause he did get to the bottom of both of them and I was in the clear.

Probably more spath not willing to lose the game more than doing the right thing though.

I would tell the owner that there is evidence you did not do this and you risk losing your car insurance, health insurance or vehicle all together(if you have one) because you can’t afford it. I would also say “I am very careful through my whole shift for that very reason as I can’t afford to make a mistake and I certainly can’t afford to pay for somebody esles.” (but nicely) Would that work?

I believe as OxD does that this is going to continue as long as they get their money. It wouldn’t with me but they seem fine about it……….

Skylar,

You ARE GOOD!! I didn’t even think of that!! Holy crap!

Skylar, I don’t think so. I have a good boss. I don’t see any signs of spath in her, but, I do wonder if she’s covering her ass, for not following her bosses rules….well, maybe that is a little pink flag….but, no, I don’t think SHE took the money.
My daughter also told me to refuse to sign the suspension slip, since I did exactly as I was told to do…I was not careless, or irresponsible. I followed protocal. If she insists that I pay this money back, my daughter suggested I take it over the bosses head, and call HER boss. Just to make it clear that we have a theif, and it’s not me, and that I did everything I have been told to do. If the money isn’t secure, then something has to change. What do you think? Not rying to get anyone in trouble, just don’t want to give up my hard-earned 50 bucks.

Hi Eralyn,
Since we don’t know the Boss, we can only speculate. Nobody is above suspicion –Except Kim because we DO know her.

You were lucky that your spath father really wanted to know who the REAL culprit was. SPATHS LIKE TO KNOW EVERYTHING, THEY WANT CONTROL . In this case, I see a person who doesn’t care to know, she just wants her 50 bucks. That sounds to me like a guilty spath, who already knows. Just my opinion.

Kim, this is your job, for now. Keep searching for more and better. Never settle. ((((hugs to you))))

Kim,
We posted over each other.

I don’t understand. You have a good boss who is covering her ass for not following her own bosses’ rules? That’s not a good boss.

My spath seemed sooooo good to me for 25 years. He wore his mask so well. He loved animals. He cared about me and protected me. He worked so hard.

Trust nobody, Kim, nobody. only trust YOU and your ability to see red flags.

Well, Skylar, I don’t KNOW that. I am beginning to wonder. You’re right though, that IS an indication that something isn’t right.
I always want to believe in the Easter bunny, don’t I? Ah, hell, some things never change. Why is it so hard to lose faith? Why is it so much easier to trust people?

Kim,

Some people are trustworthy. I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I would want the responsible party to PAY! When I told my daughter about it, I told her Skylar’s thought and she’s 13 and said “that’s what I was thinking!”

At the very least, the boss doesn’t have regard for YOUR best interest.

I managed 3 offices at 1 time. We received cash payments and I had to have all kinds of tricks up my sleeve to catch the correct person if cash was missing! I have to tell ya’, I had to ask others for help coming up with ideas as my mind didn’t work that way. I guess it still doesn’t totally. GREAT!

Thanks, Eralyn, Ox, and Skylar. I think I’m gonna take the bull by the horns and flatly refuse any disciplinary action. If I have to, I will call the bosses boss, and also the police. I just wonder if the empty bag will still be around, by tomorrow when I go to work. You are so right. I am being scape-goated. My boss doesn’t have my back. This sucks.

Hens, Back from the Edge, Kim, Oxy….and all of LF…

Hi all….

I felt inspired to comment on those old photos and that returning feeling of “missing” him….

At times, for no reason, mind you, I remember his dazzlingly smile and the sound of his wonderful laughter….I think of his dynamic personality and his exciting way of talking….my attraction to him…and how exited I would become when he decided to grace me with his presence…I get that sinking feeling and “miss” that part of him….and after I let myself reminisce a bit…I think of how:

He kept me on hold for 4 years….and although I had no “proof” of his cheating per say….I knew I was being conned….I won’t go on about the list as it is a repeat of what we read here at LF everyday…..BUT…….as soon as I finish my short reminiscing, I look at the utter loneliness of my life back then….of how he refused to share his life…..of how he cloaked his total lack of love with a veil of shadowy deception ….of how he took whatever he could take….on and on….I look back and see how degraded I was…how lost and forsaken….how depressed I was….and about the trauma bond I was involved in….

He told me once ” if you ever accuse me of cheating without proof I will give you a beating”…and although he never laid hands on me before, during and after, to say such a thing and then to say, “without proof” was all the proof I needed…

Although it took a long time for me to piece the puzzle together…(and behold…we have all the pieces)….I finally saw the whole picture one fine day…..and it all became clear…He had been hard to pin as a SP…because I was looking in the wrong places..

I know not all of you here believe in God but still these words from the Bible are very inspiring to me:

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize……..Philippians 3:13-14

Kim Frederick, I’m SO sorry for this situation. You are 100% spot-on: your boss does not have your back, whatsoever. You’re just a scapegoat, and the boss, the cook, and all of the other people (customers included) who are comfortable with bad behaviors are simply using you for their own purposes. Whether it’s a dstraction from a clear theft, or someone to do more work than anyone else, you are being used.

From your posts, I believe that you are a delightful, insightful, and genuinely nifty human being that has the talent and skills to go anywhere and do anything. You don’t need THIS job, THAT much. There are literally endless establishments that are ALWAYS in need of experienced and reliable help.

If it were me, I would keep my mouth shut, and deliver my WRITTEN notice at the beginning of my next shift. I wouldn’t write WHY I was resigning. I would simply print, “I am hereby providing ____ with notice that I am working my final shift on _____, two weeks from the date of this notice. Thank you.”

You’re far too valuable to work in such a place, Kim. Seriously. You can’t possibly make enough in tips for this job to be worth the drama/trauma. Think about what you deserve, and the rest of those people can screw off.

Brightest blessings

Vision, I’ve been having some of that, lately – “missing” what I believed the illusion to be. And, to be honest, I DO miss the illusion on occasion. But, as you mentioned, it passes and the reality of how I was so cruelly and unceremoniously discarded sinks in, and the illusion blows away like a puff of smoke.

I LOVE the Biblical quote that you provided. I’m not religious, at all. My spirituality has taken a severe beating, and I don’t even know if I want to hit it with a defibrillator and bring it back – it was flawed and hasn’t given me back as much as I gave it. But, there is common sense in the quote that transcends any “religious” or “spiritual” basis. Thank you for posting that.

Brightest blessings

I can relate to this on so many levels, thank God I didn’t marry the jerk!!! He is someone else’s problem now, but I see cracks already in the relationship, she has NO IDEA what’s coming!!

Vision, I NEVER missed my ex sociopath when he discarded me which only added to the confusion. I was deeply hurt but never actually MISSED him. I was fortunate enough to spend 3 weeks living in the same house with him after he discarded me and removed his mask. I think 3 weeks of being exposed to who he REALLY was helped me see that his “dazzling smile” and “dynamic personality” were reserved for those he was out to gain something from. Once he had used me up, he had no need to use his weapons of destruction on me. I lived in the house with a total stranger for 3 weeks and he was not someone that I would have ever been attracted to. I was amazed by how invisible I became to him and also found it downright creepy. We didn’t argue or fight during this time, he said he was leaving and if that’s what he wanted then I wanted him to go but he took his time leaving or finding somewhere else to hang his hat. By the end of 3 weeks of living with a man who seemingly had undergone a total personality change, I couldn’t get him out of my house fast enough! Before a therapist helped me understand what a sociopath really was, I could have sworn that he had been struck with a mental illness that transformed him completely. I have just never been able to miss a total stranger. I feel fortunate that I somehow realized right away that NOTHING about my time with him was real; however, I didn’t understand WHY I felt that way until I learned about sociopaths. The only thing REAL about them is that they are sociopaths who unfortunately live among us for the sole purpose of using others to fill their own twisted needs.

Hi Tami, Wow….I suppose living with the SP for 3 weeks while you saw the mask ripped off his “face” was a good thing for you….I was replying above in my original comment to the “missing” of the sp in a reply to the above comments by Hens and Back from the Edge. Hens found an old pic of her sp….

But to be clear, I don’t miss my ex sp…..I pointed out that I once in a while I get a reminder…maybe the sound of someones laugh or an old pic tucked back in my computer….and a twinge of the old relationship….and I detailed the thought process which is about 10 minutes at the most…lol….

I know that some of us here need time to reach the point of not missing what we thought of as “attractive”….showing the deep reach an SP has into our very souls….

Again for the sake of repetition on my behalf I post: “No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize—..Philippians 3:13-14

Truthspeaks,

Amen and as we keep the faith we can lean on each other to that wonderful place where we feel nothing….but happiness that we are free….

PS…I have gone back to my Bible roots and found it a true comfort for all of life’s anxieties….Big Hugs….(((((())))))

……..to that wonderful place where we feel nothing…..ahhhh, the nirvaina of indifference. Hang in there folks, the magic is real. It DOES happen. A time comes, when you can pull a real, heart felt, and honest Rhett Butler. When, not only can you say, “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn,” but, realize it’s true, You really don’t……give a damn.
That’s the end of the race, I think.

TAmi, good to see you back! Been a while.

Kim, I am assuming that your “bosses” are not the OWNERS but they too are employees. So I am making my case on that assumption.

THEY are responsible for the cash register slip=money on hand at the end of the day.

Therefore, if the slips and the money are not =, then THEY” are te ones that HAVE A PROBLEM.

Now,, they can BLUFF you into paying the $50 so they don’t have to, in which case THEY are off scot free and YOU cover for some one else’s theft and the Boss’s failure to secure the money.

If they suspend you, KNOWING that you are not the one who stole it (and frankly, they KNOW) then I would GO to their BOSSES the owners, and/or get another job. If they suspend you, or fire you for not giving them the $50 I would go to the labor board and report them….I don’t think it is legal for them to make you pay or suspend you. If you JUST HAVE TO HAVE THE JOB and there is no other option, take the suspension then look for another job ASAP because like the others said, these people DO NOT RESPECT YOU, THEY ARE NOT FAIR AND THEY ARE NOT TRUSTWORTHY (and neither is the cook)

Yeah, Ox. I am preparing for a fight when I go to work, today. I grew a back-bone, over-night. The cook, myself and my boss will all be working together, and I am going to ask for a “conference” and will address the issue. I will refuse any disciplinary action, and will “request” that my boss set up another “conference” with her boss, but will make it clear that if she refuses to set up that conference, I will just take his number off the wall, and call him myself. Period.
I want the cops involved. I want this to be documented. I want the theif to be held responsible.
Here I go again, being in a position where I have to eat shit. Dependant on spaths. Nope. Gonna take the bull by the horns and call a spath a spath.

Kim,
please take a lesson from someone who has been there: Whoever calls the cops first, wins.
File a report at the police station. I’m not sure how or what, but it needs to be done because if you start pushing buttons, then your boss may cover her ass by filing a report on YOU for stealing and you may get arrested etc…You might prove your innocence in court but that is down the line. Meanwhile your pending court date will affect your ability to get a job elsewhere.

Exactly what is going on is unclear. The only thing that IS clear is that SOMEBODY stole $50 and that is a crime. So report it.

Kim – document! I had a coworker in college that was doing similar things to me. I won. I ended up documenting every transaction I did for one evening and putting it in my boss’s office. Sure enough my coworker struck again, and I was able to prove my case. Seeing as you are dealing with cash…. Take a video of the cash being counted, and signed, and placed in the office. Ensure that the video will show there is no break, or pause.. Also, your boss needs to get a video surveillance system! If your boss won’t go over her head… She may be embezzling… Oh, and yeah, go to the cops! Good luck!

So sad to hear of those so involved with these people who are not capable of having a deep connected relationship. I guess we all have to learn the hard way, at times. But it really is hard to determine who is a spath, having themselves been abused, or just angry at women, or whatever. Everyone has issues and it’s up to us to dig and find them before we are married to them. Those issues will not volunteer themselves to us. They are hiding them from us. Look for the red flags- (the liars, the lack of values, the uncaringness about their own shit- their cars, their friends, and their own bodies.) They all tell a story. Don’t make excuses for them. Examine their intentions, what they lack and will try to get from us. For those of us who have been fooled, or duped, we have to realize that NOT ONE of us are perfect; our issues from the past will come back to the surface if they are not dealt with. There are plenty of emotionally immature people running around, some will never deal with their issues, finding others who ultimately pay the price, just because of their own ignorance and our ignorance of putting up with them. The Bible says My people perish for lack of knowledge, and it will always be true. Never make a person your god. Never put all your eggs in their basket. This is the trap of co-dependency. Proverbs says beware of the smoothtalker, the one who gives compliments. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Vision! And Tami, Truthspeak…

I am grateful that you have shared and am realizing the insight that it has given me. I don’t know you all but am feeling some kind of closeness.

So glad I found this site after what I went through these past two years.

What Vision wrote fits the description of what I went through with my ex-girlfriend:

“He kept me on hold for 4 years”.and although I had no “proof” of his cheating per say”.I knew I was being conned”.I won’t go on about the list as it is a repeat of what we read here at LF everyday”..BUT—.as soon as I finish my short reminiscing, I look at the utter loneliness of my life back then”.of how he refused to share his life”..of how he cloaked his total lack of love with a veil of shadowy deception ”.of how he took whatever he could take”.on and on”.I look back and see how degraded I was”how lost and forsaken”.how depressed I was”.and about the trauma bond I was involved in”.”

Vision also wrote:
“He told me once ” if you ever accuse me of cheating without proof I will give you a beating—and although he never laid hands on me before, during and after, to say such a thing and then to say, “without proof” was all the proof I needed””

My ex ‘girlfriend’ often and vigorously proclaimed “I don’t cheat!’ But she exhibited what seemed to be every ‘sign’ or act or behaviour of ‘cheating.’ You name it – it happened. And even if she had not been emotionally or physically engaged with another man (or woman), her total disregard or non-recognition of how she behaved and affected others (me) was enough of a warning or ‘sign’ of sociopathic personality.

Once, after we separated and were no longer spending time together and the relationship was effectively over (But as yet the ‘final proclamation’ had not been made.), we met by chance and then chatted in her car. I was trying to find out what was going on with our relationship. I saw that the woman I had slept with and made love to and shared SO much with up until the week before and for almost two years had ‘transformed’ into a total and complete stranger. This, after being “unavailable” on two of the prior three weekends and more than a month of her pushing away (Or, not being ‘available’) – but not letting me leave – even when I said that I thought that I should.

While we sat in the car my gut told me that she was already ‘gone’ but I wanted to get the word directly from her and started talking about our plans to do specific things together. At this, her face changed. It became tensed and sullen. I sensed anger and tension.
So she, unprompted, blurted out: “If you even suggest that I have been cheating – then you are OUT OF HERE!!”

Huh? It was obvious that I already was – ‘out’! Even at that moment I thought about how bizarre her behaviour was and what an absurd thing it was for her to say. Honestly, I knew that it was an attempt at manipulation and control. I remember thinking: ‘She wants me to still believe that I have a ‘chance’ – when there is none.

But now, I feel like I am experiencing something that seems like Post Traumatic Stress. Everything that was said or shared over that period of time together looks like a lie and some form of manipulation. Sometimes in my down moments the world seems to go still and there is no sound, no wind and only a flat light and I think: ‘Was it all just a dream – an illusion?’ This is juxtaposed with a light and warmth that comes from a space – a room – that I had prepared for her in my heart. Then, at that moment I feel like she is right there with me – in perfect harmony and happiness. I am surprised at the love tha I feel.

Boy, what the mind does.

Now, it really sucks that we live in the same general area and that it seems everywhere I go – for either business, seeing clients, shopping or just ‘for a walk’ triggers memories. And with holidays coming….UGH!

Fixerupper, if someone makes me feel any bit uncomfortable through word or deed, they’re out. They don’t have to fit the profile of a sociopath. If they’re toxic and leave me feeling drained or exposed, they’re out.

I was not always of this frame of mind. I used to be very open and hyper-trusting. On the surface, I imagine that some people might interpret me as being angry and bitter because I don’t care whether or not I’m accepted, approved of, or validated by any other human being. I am NOT compromising my recovery for any other human being’s approval, and that’s the way it is.

Yeah, it’s a challenge to recover and move forward. I’ve often posted that I no longer feel simple joy, anymore. I can laugh and experience humor, etc., but I am not the same person that I once was, nor will I ever be that person, again. So, I’m looking at how I can put the hard-won lessons to work for me and, eventually, feel that joyful abandon, again. I’m no longer desperate for this as I once was. If it happens, it’ll happen. But, I’m okay with this process, finally. It is what it is. I don’t have to “like” it, but I’m “okay” with it – if that makes any sense.

As for the Holiday Season, yes, it can be a very depressing time because I could indulge regret at the loss of the illusion. I could sink into self-pity over my desperate financial situation. I could choose to do these things, but I’m not going to. The exspath dismissed EVERY significant event and holiday and nullified my own efforts to make each event and holiday a cause for celebration. Well, guess what? The exspath isn’t a factor in my life, and NEVER will be a factor, again. I get to celebrate any way that I want with as much (or, as little) exhuberance as I wish without having someone shoot down that enthusiasm.

This holiday season starts off with a vociferous “FARK YOU, JACKASS!!!” I’m on my own, doing my own thing, and doing my own thing without seeking approval or acceptance from ANY farking body! This could be a strong time of recovery for you, and every other survivor.

When it stops being all about them and begins being all about US is when the tingle of emotional freedom begins to run up and down our spines.

Brightest blessings

Aledale’s assessment that she provided her x-spath a “safe mommy” figure and a “cloak of respectability” (along with money) seems to be a common feature of many sociopathic relationships — certainly so with mine, if you change mommy for “big brother” or something like that.

There are even words from the x-spath in an online profile that directly confirm this.

I remember OxDrover posting that a dating partners should be vetted with the 4 “-tions”: education, vocation, transportation, and habitation. Even if these are met, as in the case of many, perhaps an even more critical assessment should be made for red flags: significant differences in income, age, education, family background or even distance.

BBE, I was already deeply invested in the second spath relationshit and wholly isolated from the exspath’s family dynamics. I rarely saw them iteract, and when I did, I actually chose to ignore the venom, the gossip, the cruel criticisms, and the mean-spirited humor that the family members expressed.

I will never, ever, EVER use the interwebs as a source to “meet” people. Online profiles are designed specifically to set the lure with appropriate bait. Whatever they’re looking for is either clearly or subtly indicated.

As far as someone meeting the “4-tions,” I will pay attention to that, intensely, only for academic purposes. I have NO intention of even dating, ever again. 🙂

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak;

Very good comment about “avoiding venom, the gossip, the cruel criticisms, and the mean-spirited humor…”

I did the same regarding the x-spath and his friends, who kidded him in a way that made me very uncomfortable, like they were trying to undermine him. Later, I would see similar venom from him directed at me.

Another red flag ignored… ducks fly with ducks, geese fly with geese…

I did not meet my x-spath on the Internet and I generally avoid it. However, I was in a situation where I was confined to bed and looked at this one site on recommendation from a friend. Due to geographics, it was the last place where I expected the x-spath to have a profile. Not only that, I came across it as a result of a “matching” algorithm…

While that whole profile was juvenile and embarrassing to me, as somebody who thought highly of him, the particular offending words are like this:

Where are you most likely on a Friday night? “Passed out on a sofa in Manhattan.”

Keep in mind the x-spath lives in London. I live in Manhattan. Hence, my comment regarding Adelade and her assessment of what the spath in her life was seeking.

Interesting, isn’t it…

Tami,
I can totally relate to having lived in close quarters with a Spath after finding out what he was. Because of the work I do, we were literally in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the ocean. Within hours of my revelation that I saw through his mask, he systematically targeted every other person (there were only 40 of us) on the island who might be vulnerable to his charms. People he’d said he couldn’t tolerate, people to whom he’d been psychologically abusive, people who’d hated him, suddenly started to say he wasn’t that bad, after all. Several of them even developed “friendships” with him. He worked hard to make sure that I’d have no one to whom I could turn. But the most disconcerting/fascinating/unbelievable aspect of his behavior was the way he let his mask fall away when we were alone. Although we had to work together, when I’d try to enroll him in a project or dialogue about something that needed to be done, he’d pretend he couldn’t hear me and refuse to acknowledge that I existed. His normally animated face, his intense stare, would disappear, and all his features would go slack. He became a blank slate. An empty, dark husk. And then someone else would enter the room and he would put the mask back on. He’d turn on the gaze, time his jokes, and charm everyone in the room. And he’d engage with me verbally, although he looked me in the eyes only when he had to. The first time, I almost called him on it. I almost freaked out in front of everyone. But luckily I realized that I would sound like the crazy person, which would have been exactly what he wanted. And so I let him do it. I played the game along with him, and when others were around, I pretended that we were both being good sports about a failed relationship. And then when they left, when he dropped the mask, I’d talk to him like the Spath I knew him to be and he’d scurry out of the room as quickly as he could. I didn’t realize until later that I’d been playing with fire. And I didn’t realize the toll that being in the presence of such emptiness had wrought. It opened me up to be vulnerable to Spath #2. But I’m thankful that I had to live with him, that I was able to see beneath the mask and acknowledge what he is, and that this will prevent me from ever romanticizing him in any way, no matter how smart or engaging he continues to be toward people with whom I work and whom I would like to consider friends.

BBE, it’s very interesting and it’s a huge “tell,” in retrospect, right?

One of my friends had used Match.com for a few years and kept meeting really “bad” guys. Their profiles were ALWAYS peachy-keen. They were “loyal,” and “respectful,” and “genuine.” Okay….what kind of person needs to assert that they truly have these attributes in the first place? So…yeah.

I don’t intend to ever date, again. If I ever did meet someone that was a potential partner, I would watch, wait, listen, and observe them in every situation. OxD put it so perfectly that the only way to really “know” someone is to watch them in their natural environments, and she’s spot-on.

With the exspath’s family dynamics, I simply ignored them and chalked them up to being ignorant people – people who hadn’t been taught how to be kind or loving. Since the exspath didn’t like to argue and seemed far more intelligent than the rest of his family (and, I DO mean the rest of his family), I chose to believe that he was the exception. Uh, no. He wasn’t an exception, at all. He was the most farked up of the whole bunch because he put so much effort and energy into creating this illusion of “good guy” in a sea of dysfunction. LOL!!!! At least the rest of the family demonstrated exactly what they were. He, on the other hand, depserately wanted to appear to be (in his own words), “…not like them.”

Passed out on a couch in Manhatten? Yeah, the spath couldn’t hide EVERYthing, could he? What a twerp.

Brightest blessings

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