Editor’s note: The following article was received by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”
It’s been over a year since I discovered that the man that I married had been living a double-life before we ever even met. My vulnerabilities were the beacon that he gravitated towards: exiting an abusive marriage, loving to my children, spiritually “grounded,” artistic and creative, and all of these attributes and vulnerabilities in addition to a “socially connected” family with a colorful history were exploitable and desirable.
I believed his words and assertions because I wanted to. I “needed” to feel validated and valued because I couldn’t provide this to myself, on my own. I’ve mentioned this, before, but I represented only 3 things to the exspath. I was a “safe mommy” figure. A substantially older woman who was nurturing, encouraging, supportive, and tolerant. I was a “cloak of respectability.” The exspath’s true nature is so deviant and self-serving that my “attributes” and family history could provide a respectable cover for him. I came with money. My father worked, very hard, to be a successful man and I had been raised in a middle-class environment that bordered on upper-middle-class except that he was frugal and didn’t flaunt his amassed wealth.
When my father passed, I was still unmarried to the exspath. He had asked to marry me during a camping trip and I accepted his proposal. He seemed fun. He seemed to genuinely love me, care about me, and to love and care about my children. He even attended meetings with the court-ordered social worker that was assigned to my case. He was spontaneous and seemed to have a sense of responsibility. After all, he worked in the office of a state prison and that was a substantial responsibility.
“Integrity” and “honesty”
After we married, I maintained my trust in the exspath. He openly disdained his coworkers’ extramarital activities and their illegal misdeeds. From multiple affairs to using illegal substances, he would vociferously malign his coworkers and state (and, I quote), “I won’t ever do those things.” He constantly spoke, in veiled terms, of his “integrity” and honesty. He would make demonstrations of this, whenever possible, that (in retrospect) seem entirely coincidental. One example of this was when he received a number of holiday cards from coworkers with substantial cash enclosed as “thank you’s: for his having scheduled overtime for these employees. We were quite broke, and he insisted that he was going to return the money because it would be “unethical” to keep it. To this day, I’m almost certain that he did nothing of the sort and simply used the cash for other purposes. Another example was a terrible leak in our roof that wasn’t covered by insurance unless it was caused by wind or storm damage. An adjuster apparently made a veiled suggestion that a missing shingle or two would result in repairs and his response to that suggestion was (and, I quote), “I don’t have enough larceny in me to….” do that.
The exspath also used his words very carefully to maintain my trust. The first marriage was extremely abusive and I endured beatings, verbal abuse, financial abuse, threats of suicide and murder, and extreme sexual abuse. I had disclosed these facts to him and, true to spath form, he asserted (again, I quote), “I will never abuse you like that.” And, he didn’t abuse me “like that” in the abuses that I had previously experienced. He was very careful to avoid angry discussions or expressions of anger within the relationship because (again, I quote), “I can’t stand arguing. That’s all my parents do is argue.”
My inheritance
My inheritance had been bequeathed in such a way that I would not be able to touch the principal until I was 45 years of age. I believe that my father wrote this clause to prevent the first exspath from claiming any part of this inheritance, legally, under the guise of child support (we each had custody of a child), and the exspath was well aware of this, as well. I trusted him, implicitly, and he always had “an answer” that seemed reasonable and sensible.
But, I had not healed in any manner from my previous experiences with the first abusive exspath, and I wasn’t looking hard enough at the second exspath’s family dynamics, behaviors, friends, or associates. Perhaps, I didn’t “want” to look hard enough and I was isolated, seemingly by choice, but clearly by his design, in retrospect. The second exspath convinced me to trust his abilities in investing and frequently criticized my investment broker for having “failed” to alert me of trends in the markets, etc. When I turned 45, the exspath blew the doors open on my finances, convinced me to “fire” my investment broker, and laid waste to my investments within 2 1/2 years through coercions, forgeries, gaslighting, and endless cash withdrawals.
I asked my counseling therapist, “Why didn’t I see this happening?” Well, we all know why we never “saw” the spaths for what they were. We didn’t want to believe that anyone that we loved could be capable of the abuses that they perpetrated, so those behaviors and choices never happened.
No-fault divorce
Now, I’m in the end-stages of a “no fault” divorce. Since the exspath left the marital home, I have existed in a state of poverty that I could never have imagined deserving or even possible. I lost my primary home and the cash equity that I had in that home. I lost a studio that I had paid for. I lost my transportation. I had to relocate to a property that I had been coerced into purchasing, IN CASH, that is remote, falling apart, in an extremely depressed county, very few opportunities for employment, managing a lifelong condition, and with no hope of financial recovery.
The state in which we were married maintains “No Fault” divorce, and this means that whatever one party has done to destroy a marriage, the only legal issue is “equitable distribution” of property and assets. The exspath could be a pedophile, and this fact would have no impact upon division of property or the granting of alimony. Indeed, even the forgeries that the exspath clearly committed will not be a factor in my divorce because there are no punitive damages awarded in “No Fault” divorce. The exspath will not face being charged with a Federal Offense, nor will he experience any anxiety with regard to his misdeeds. The exspath will never face a single consequence for his actions.
Of course, if I had the opportunity to go back in time and review the second exspath’s family dynamics and observe him, independently of my codependent state when we first began living together, I would have never entered into a legal contract of marriage with him. But, I can’t change the past. I can’t live in a state of regret.
Today, I’m living with an auto-immune disorder and multiple emotional issues that will take me the rest of my life to sort out. Yes, I’m angry at the exspath. I’m also angry at myself because I trusted him to a such a degree that it allowed him to dismantle every aspect of my life and render me destitute. I’m angry that “No Fault” means exactly that: it’s nobody’s fault that the marriage ended. But, I have the opportunity of a lifetime: to “get it right” and learn who I am, whom I’m supposed to be, and to make some kind of difference in some capacity.
Hard-won wisdom
I don’t know what I’m “supposed” to be doing, but I do know that I can face my Life with a new set of eyes and some hard-won wisdom. I know that this marriage is finally going to be declared dead in a few weeks. I know that the exspath won’t be able to argue that alimony won’t be “sustainable,” as his attorney asserts. I know that I am going to recover, in due time. And, I know that I am a valuable human being with my own attributes that I intend to hold tight unto myself.
For those of you who may read this before you enter into a legal binding contract of marriage with someone that you believe to be your soul mate or “The One,” for the love of God, do the homework. Wait. Watch. Observe. And, put your feelings aside and see this potential mate with an objective eye. Even one “Red Flag” is reason enough to stop, look, listen, and make an educated, objective decision about your own well-being. Nobody is worth tolerating damage for, under any circumstances. Even if the damages aren’t physically abusive, pay attention to the words and assertions. What kind of person needs to convince another person that they will “never” be like the “other guy/gal?” The only type of person who would make such assertions and guarantees is someone who has an agenda. We cannot promise anyone that we’ll never hurt them or abuse them. We don’t know whether our own actions will cause hurt or be interpreted as abusive. Given that fact of human nature, anyone who makes such glib and sweeping promises is attempting to convince us of something that is, for all intents and purposes, impossible.
Marriage contract
A contract of marriage is a legal, binding arrangement. It’s not something that can be easily dissolved if the relationship disintegrates. It costs very little to apply for license to marry. In most states, less than $100. To divorce without children, it can cost upwards of $6000, especially if the divorce is bitter and spath behaviors abound. In the cases where children, custody, and visitation are issues, legal fees can run into the tens of thousands with countless hours wasted in Courtroom hearings, and anxiety levels that exceed human tolerance.
It’s not a crime to make a mistake in our choices of partners. We aren’t going to stop living if we walk away from a relationship that is questionable. We’ll survive, recover, and move on with our lives with wisdom under our belts before we choose another partner. If we call it quits with someone who is manipulative, abusive, and wholly toxic, we have not “failed.”
I will be “paying” the consequences for marrying a second exspath for the rest of my life, and my refusal to walk away when I had the opportunity and finances to do so falls squarely upon my shoulders. I didn’t “deserve” this, but the exspath perpetrated his crimes and sins, regardless of what I deserved. I own my choices because I’m in possession of empathy, conscience, and remorse. The exspath owns nothing because he is a hollow, deviant, and malevolent Thing. For this raw truth, I am grateful.
Kim,
please take a lesson from someone who has been there: Whoever calls the cops first, wins.
File a report at the police station. I’m not sure how or what, but it needs to be done because if you start pushing buttons, then your boss may cover her ass by filing a report on YOU for stealing and you may get arrested etc…You might prove your innocence in court but that is down the line. Meanwhile your pending court date will affect your ability to get a job elsewhere.
Exactly what is going on is unclear. The only thing that IS clear is that SOMEBODY stole $50 and that is a crime. So report it.
Kim – document! I had a coworker in college that was doing similar things to me. I won. I ended up documenting every transaction I did for one evening and putting it in my boss’s office. Sure enough my coworker struck again, and I was able to prove my case. Seeing as you are dealing with cash…. Take a video of the cash being counted, and signed, and placed in the office. Ensure that the video will show there is no break, or pause.. Also, your boss needs to get a video surveillance system! If your boss won’t go over her head… She may be embezzling… Oh, and yeah, go to the cops! Good luck!
So sad to hear of those so involved with these people who are not capable of having a deep connected relationship. I guess we all have to learn the hard way, at times. But it really is hard to determine who is a spath, having themselves been abused, or just angry at women, or whatever. Everyone has issues and it’s up to us to dig and find them before we are married to them. Those issues will not volunteer themselves to us. They are hiding them from us. Look for the red flags- (the liars, the lack of values, the uncaringness about their own shit- their cars, their friends, and their own bodies.) They all tell a story. Don’t make excuses for them. Examine their intentions, what they lack and will try to get from us. For those of us who have been fooled, or duped, we have to realize that NOT ONE of us are perfect; our issues from the past will come back to the surface if they are not dealt with. There are plenty of emotionally immature people running around, some will never deal with their issues, finding others who ultimately pay the price, just because of their own ignorance and our ignorance of putting up with them. The Bible says My people perish for lack of knowledge, and it will always be true. Never make a person your god. Never put all your eggs in their basket. This is the trap of co-dependency. Proverbs says beware of the smoothtalker, the one who gives compliments. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.
Vision! And Tami, Truthspeak…
I am grateful that you have shared and am realizing the insight that it has given me. I don’t know you all but am feeling some kind of closeness.
So glad I found this site after what I went through these past two years.
What Vision wrote fits the description of what I went through with my ex-girlfriend:
“He kept me on hold for 4 years”.and although I had no “proof” of his cheating per say”.I knew I was being conned”.I won’t go on about the list as it is a repeat of what we read here at LF everyday”..BUT—.as soon as I finish my short reminiscing, I look at the utter loneliness of my life back then”.of how he refused to share his life”..of how he cloaked his total lack of love with a veil of shadowy deception ”.of how he took whatever he could take”.on and on”.I look back and see how degraded I was”how lost and forsaken”.how depressed I was”.and about the trauma bond I was involved in”.”
Vision also wrote:
“He told me once ” if you ever accuse me of cheating without proof I will give you a beating—and although he never laid hands on me before, during and after, to say such a thing and then to say, “without proof” was all the proof I needed””
My ex ‘girlfriend’ often and vigorously proclaimed “I don’t cheat!’ But she exhibited what seemed to be every ‘sign’ or act or behaviour of ‘cheating.’ You name it – it happened. And even if she had not been emotionally or physically engaged with another man (or woman), her total disregard or non-recognition of how she behaved and affected others (me) was enough of a warning or ‘sign’ of sociopathic personality.
Once, after we separated and were no longer spending time together and the relationship was effectively over (But as yet the ‘final proclamation’ had not been made.), we met by chance and then chatted in her car. I was trying to find out what was going on with our relationship. I saw that the woman I had slept with and made love to and shared SO much with up until the week before and for almost two years had ‘transformed’ into a total and complete stranger. This, after being “unavailable” on two of the prior three weekends and more than a month of her pushing away (Or, not being ‘available’) – but not letting me leave – even when I said that I thought that I should.
While we sat in the car my gut told me that she was already ‘gone’ but I wanted to get the word directly from her and started talking about our plans to do specific things together. At this, her face changed. It became tensed and sullen. I sensed anger and tension.
So she, unprompted, blurted out: “If you even suggest that I have been cheating – then you are OUT OF HERE!!”
Huh? It was obvious that I already was – ‘out’! Even at that moment I thought about how bizarre her behaviour was and what an absurd thing it was for her to say. Honestly, I knew that it was an attempt at manipulation and control. I remember thinking: ‘She wants me to still believe that I have a ‘chance’ – when there is none.
But now, I feel like I am experiencing something that seems like Post Traumatic Stress. Everything that was said or shared over that period of time together looks like a lie and some form of manipulation. Sometimes in my down moments the world seems to go still and there is no sound, no wind and only a flat light and I think: ‘Was it all just a dream – an illusion?’ This is juxtaposed with a light and warmth that comes from a space – a room – that I had prepared for her in my heart. Then, at that moment I feel like she is right there with me – in perfect harmony and happiness. I am surprised at the love tha I feel.
Boy, what the mind does.
Now, it really sucks that we live in the same general area and that it seems everywhere I go – for either business, seeing clients, shopping or just ‘for a walk’ triggers memories. And with holidays coming….UGH!
Fixerupper, if someone makes me feel any bit uncomfortable through word or deed, they’re out. They don’t have to fit the profile of a sociopath. If they’re toxic and leave me feeling drained or exposed, they’re out.
I was not always of this frame of mind. I used to be very open and hyper-trusting. On the surface, I imagine that some people might interpret me as being angry and bitter because I don’t care whether or not I’m accepted, approved of, or validated by any other human being. I am NOT compromising my recovery for any other human being’s approval, and that’s the way it is.
Yeah, it’s a challenge to recover and move forward. I’ve often posted that I no longer feel simple joy, anymore. I can laugh and experience humor, etc., but I am not the same person that I once was, nor will I ever be that person, again. So, I’m looking at how I can put the hard-won lessons to work for me and, eventually, feel that joyful abandon, again. I’m no longer desperate for this as I once was. If it happens, it’ll happen. But, I’m okay with this process, finally. It is what it is. I don’t have to “like” it, but I’m “okay” with it – if that makes any sense.
As for the Holiday Season, yes, it can be a very depressing time because I could indulge regret at the loss of the illusion. I could sink into self-pity over my desperate financial situation. I could choose to do these things, but I’m not going to. The exspath dismissed EVERY significant event and holiday and nullified my own efforts to make each event and holiday a cause for celebration. Well, guess what? The exspath isn’t a factor in my life, and NEVER will be a factor, again. I get to celebrate any way that I want with as much (or, as little) exhuberance as I wish without having someone shoot down that enthusiasm.
This holiday season starts off with a vociferous “FARK YOU, JACKASS!!!” I’m on my own, doing my own thing, and doing my own thing without seeking approval or acceptance from ANY farking body! This could be a strong time of recovery for you, and every other survivor.
When it stops being all about them and begins being all about US is when the tingle of emotional freedom begins to run up and down our spines.
Brightest blessings
Aledale’s assessment that she provided her x-spath a “safe mommy” figure and a “cloak of respectability” (along with money) seems to be a common feature of many sociopathic relationships — certainly so with mine, if you change mommy for “big brother” or something like that.
There are even words from the x-spath in an online profile that directly confirm this.
I remember OxDrover posting that a dating partners should be vetted with the 4 “-tions”: education, vocation, transportation, and habitation. Even if these are met, as in the case of many, perhaps an even more critical assessment should be made for red flags: significant differences in income, age, education, family background or even distance.
BBE, I was already deeply invested in the second spath relationshit and wholly isolated from the exspath’s family dynamics. I rarely saw them iteract, and when I did, I actually chose to ignore the venom, the gossip, the cruel criticisms, and the mean-spirited humor that the family members expressed.
I will never, ever, EVER use the interwebs as a source to “meet” people. Online profiles are designed specifically to set the lure with appropriate bait. Whatever they’re looking for is either clearly or subtly indicated.
As far as someone meeting the “4-tions,” I will pay attention to that, intensely, only for academic purposes. I have NO intention of even dating, ever again. 🙂
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak;
Very good comment about “avoiding venom, the gossip, the cruel criticisms, and the mean-spirited humor…”
I did the same regarding the x-spath and his friends, who kidded him in a way that made me very uncomfortable, like they were trying to undermine him. Later, I would see similar venom from him directed at me.
Another red flag ignored… ducks fly with ducks, geese fly with geese…
I did not meet my x-spath on the Internet and I generally avoid it. However, I was in a situation where I was confined to bed and looked at this one site on recommendation from a friend. Due to geographics, it was the last place where I expected the x-spath to have a profile. Not only that, I came across it as a result of a “matching” algorithm…
While that whole profile was juvenile and embarrassing to me, as somebody who thought highly of him, the particular offending words are like this:
Where are you most likely on a Friday night? “Passed out on a sofa in Manhattan.”
Keep in mind the x-spath lives in London. I live in Manhattan. Hence, my comment regarding Adelade and her assessment of what the spath in her life was seeking.
Interesting, isn’t it…
Tami,
I can totally relate to having lived in close quarters with a Spath after finding out what he was. Because of the work I do, we were literally in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the ocean. Within hours of my revelation that I saw through his mask, he systematically targeted every other person (there were only 40 of us) on the island who might be vulnerable to his charms. People he’d said he couldn’t tolerate, people to whom he’d been psychologically abusive, people who’d hated him, suddenly started to say he wasn’t that bad, after all. Several of them even developed “friendships” with him. He worked hard to make sure that I’d have no one to whom I could turn. But the most disconcerting/fascinating/unbelievable aspect of his behavior was the way he let his mask fall away when we were alone. Although we had to work together, when I’d try to enroll him in a project or dialogue about something that needed to be done, he’d pretend he couldn’t hear me and refuse to acknowledge that I existed. His normally animated face, his intense stare, would disappear, and all his features would go slack. He became a blank slate. An empty, dark husk. And then someone else would enter the room and he would put the mask back on. He’d turn on the gaze, time his jokes, and charm everyone in the room. And he’d engage with me verbally, although he looked me in the eyes only when he had to. The first time, I almost called him on it. I almost freaked out in front of everyone. But luckily I realized that I would sound like the crazy person, which would have been exactly what he wanted. And so I let him do it. I played the game along with him, and when others were around, I pretended that we were both being good sports about a failed relationship. And then when they left, when he dropped the mask, I’d talk to him like the Spath I knew him to be and he’d scurry out of the room as quickly as he could. I didn’t realize until later that I’d been playing with fire. And I didn’t realize the toll that being in the presence of such emptiness had wrought. It opened me up to be vulnerable to Spath #2. But I’m thankful that I had to live with him, that I was able to see beneath the mask and acknowledge what he is, and that this will prevent me from ever romanticizing him in any way, no matter how smart or engaging he continues to be toward people with whom I work and whom I would like to consider friends.
BBE, it’s very interesting and it’s a huge “tell,” in retrospect, right?
One of my friends had used Match.com for a few years and kept meeting really “bad” guys. Their profiles were ALWAYS peachy-keen. They were “loyal,” and “respectful,” and “genuine.” Okay….what kind of person needs to assert that they truly have these attributes in the first place? So…yeah.
I don’t intend to ever date, again. If I ever did meet someone that was a potential partner, I would watch, wait, listen, and observe them in every situation. OxD put it so perfectly that the only way to really “know” someone is to watch them in their natural environments, and she’s spot-on.
With the exspath’s family dynamics, I simply ignored them and chalked them up to being ignorant people – people who hadn’t been taught how to be kind or loving. Since the exspath didn’t like to argue and seemed far more intelligent than the rest of his family (and, I DO mean the rest of his family), I chose to believe that he was the exception. Uh, no. He wasn’t an exception, at all. He was the most farked up of the whole bunch because he put so much effort and energy into creating this illusion of “good guy” in a sea of dysfunction. LOL!!!! At least the rest of the family demonstrated exactly what they were. He, on the other hand, depserately wanted to appear to be (in his own words), “…not like them.”
Passed out on a couch in Manhatten? Yeah, the spath couldn’t hide EVERYthing, could he? What a twerp.
Brightest blessings