Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Betsybugs.”
The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feeling of discomfort and confusion that results from holding two conflicting beliefs. When there is a discrepancy between beliefs or beliefs and behaviors, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the mental conflict. Psychopaths use cognitive dissonance to entangle victims, to keep victims confused and docile and to create pain. My story is a story of cognitive dissonance.
My cognitive dissonance began in childhood when my father would go into rages, chase one of his daughters into a corner and beat the living daylights out of them while my mother stood and watched crying. When the beating was over, she consoled the victim (me or one of my sisters) and explained to all of us that Daddy really loved us but he just did not know how to show it. She was terribly emotionally abused too but drew the line at physical abuse for herself. I think that is why he beat us; he never laid a hand on our brother that I know of. It was a sick misogynistic thing.
First boyfriend
I had only one boyfriend before college and he broke my heart and was most likely a sociopath himself. He was a low class charming hooligan from the wrong side of the tracks, charming as in Westside Story or Rebel Without a Cause. He succeeded in getting me to fall head over heels in love with him and I thought it was “forever.” Stupid first love insanity but I was going to marry him and have his children”¦ in my deluded mind. All he wanted from me was my good reputation and virginity. After he got that he started lying, cheating, sleeping around and blaming me for not accepting what he was doing. His words kept telling me he loved me but his actions told a completely different story”¦at least in my book it did. Love was in diametric opposition to his behavior. More cognitive dissonance added to my book.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was fourteen. I remember getting into a fight with my friend who I stayed with when Mother went away to the hospital. She knew and told me but I was not allowed to know; more cognitive dissonance. I had more and more cognitive dissonance as I went through high school seeing Mother have shooting pains and being told that nothing was the matter. I must have been told but then it was denied finally using Christian Science when she had six months left to live. My parents forced me to go to college knowing that my mother had six months to live. I did not want to go; I even tried to get kicked out of school and sent home. She always said she would have nothing to live for after her children were gone and I was the youngest and the last to go. It became a prophecy. She died before Christmas break. I blamed myself. It was cognitive dissonance again.
I tried dating but hated it. I was afraid of boys and badly burned by my first and only “true love.” I was love-bombed by a psychopath I met at enrollment my freshman year in college. He was a senior and was so overly attentive that it gave me the Heebie Jeebies. Red flag number one. There was a look in his eyes that I found terribly disturbing too. Red flag number two. I fled but to no avail. He love-bombed me until I finally just went out with him to just to get out of the dorm. I never loved him but he convinced me he was stable, caring and a good catch. I did not even want to love anyone again. I thought a nice platonic relationship would do just fine. I was alone in the world without my mother and no one in the family noticed. By now, cognitive dissonance was normal to me.
The big wedding
I guess we had sex a few times. It was nothing to write home about but I did not want that bonding sexual intensity again ever. I was afraid of loving again and he did not care or notice. He raped his roommate’s girlfriend while she was sleeping in her boyfriend’s bed and got thrown out of his apartment. She woke up with him on top of her raping her sleeping body. He was so pathetic and played remorseful and alone and I came to his rescue; I got pregnant and “had to” get married even though I did not want to. I was on the cusp of not “having to” get married I suspected I might be pregnant and just wanted to run away but he found out I was pregnant before I even knew and got his parents to plan a big wedding. I was still in shock from my mother’s death. I did not want a big wedding. I did not want to get married at all. I just wanted to have my baby and never tell him. But the wedding was planned in Kansas City where his parents lived and owned a jewelry store. All of their friends, colleagues and business associates were invited. We were registered for china and crystal at their store giving them all the profits. I had my family and three friends in attendance and all of the bills were sent to my father, all the way down to the bill for alterations for the bridesmaid’s dress we bought for his sister. That cognitive dissonance took me years to comprehend.
He violently raped me on our wedding night in a run of the mill local motel. No honeymoon, no romance, no expense for him or his money gouging parents; just violence and vulgar displays of his ownership of me. The cognitive dissonance was so bad I just wanted to die. How could I have made such a huge mistake? How could this be the same person who worshiped me, doted on me and wanted nothing more than to be married to me? Sex was his domain throughout the marriage and he wanted me to play dead. Now I see that it was just more rape. He tried arguing and anger to control me but I was smarter than him and better at both. He tried physical abuse and I told him if he ever did it again I would leave him. Finally he figured out how to use cognitive dissonance. I never heard him apologize, it was blatant mind control. He was Jekyll and Hyde but he knew what he was doing. The world thought we were the ideal couple. But I was being slowly driven insane. The marriage was nothing but cognitive dissonance. I suppose it is with all psychopaths and cognitive dissonance is what prevents us from getting out. It causes us to believe we are the crazy one, the one even at fault while all the time they are doing it to us on purpose.
Fortunately my Spirit was strong and my maternal instincts were stronger. I was only wounded, not destroyed and I finished college, got a job and got out. It only took ten years, almost to the day. I did not know that such a thing as a psychopath existed. I finally realized he was incapable of loving and when we moved and he started shunning my son and love-bombing all of his potential friends, the new neighborhood children. He had just graduated from law school and wanted all the children to call him the judge, invited them in to sing while he played the guitar and would not include our son. I finally saw the cognitive dissonance. I tried to talk to him to explain how much he was hurting out son and he denied there was anything wrong with it. That was his big mistake and my wake up call. I did not know what it was called but I knew it was very bad and then I knew that he was doing it on purpose. I also realized that he had been doing it to me on purpose. Before that wake up call, I believed that all people were good, if not on the surface, at least underneath. My parents were very dysfunctional, but they were very good people underneath. They were defective people, hurting people, hurtful people; but they were also loving, caring, and real. A psychopath is inhuman.
Learning about cognitive dissonance
I only learned the term cognitive dissonance a few months ago and the definition is very mild compared to what a psychopath can do with it. A psychopath can use it to destroy his victims, get what he wants and seem benign all the time he is deliberately sucking the soul out of his prey. Before the psychopath I did not believe that evil existed. He took that away from me. I believed all people were good. He took that away from me. Now he has taken my daughter and I am seeing her cognitive dissonance. She is convinced that I am the evil one. Very few people believe me. They continue to treat him with respect and call me crazy. It is easier than believing in psychopathy. Even I know that. Cognitive dissonance is their shield and sword. But this time I can see the cognitive dissonance as I struggle to disengage myself from it with my daughter. I am again an invisible victim.
Knowledge is a tool. The knowledge that I am experiencing cognitive dissonance helps me from believing that it is my fault; that he is not a psychopath. It lets me know what I know regardless of what others believe. It helped me get out once. At this time I am not yet willing to give up on my daughter but I am getting there. I am not willing and will never be willing to give up my grandchildren. I know the insanity of the cognitive dissonance and this time I am using that knowledge to survive until I decide which way the situation will resolve. This time I may make a different decision and play the game my daughter wants me to play so I can have a relationship with my grandchildren. It will not be easy, but at the moment it seems to be the only solution. I am still in cognitive dissonance about it but knowing that it is cognitive dissonance gives me the power of sanity to protect myself and wait until I am able to make the right choice.
” The world thought we were the ideal couple. But I was being slowly driven insane. The marriage was nothing but cognitive dissonance. I suppose it is with all psychopaths and cognitive dissonance is what prevents us from getting out. It causes us to believe we are the crazy one, the one even at fault while all the time they are doing it to us on purpose.”
Add on “…and hope that ‘the nice guy’ will show up for us like he does for others”, and you’ve just described my 32 year marriage, honey.
I was blind as a bat to the idea that it wasn’t a bad day, a bad mood, a selfish attitude, finances – nope, it was a psychotic boy/man and his equally psychotic mother who were systematically destroying my life and my spirit. They cut me off from my adult children, ruined my business, and then when I got angry and called them out on their behavior – they called the cops on me and had me hauled off to the psych ward for ‘attempted suicide and murder’ (of the husband). It didn’t work, and I tied up loose ends and then left him. (the four kids are grown)
It took the total decimation of everything in my life for me to see my enemy: the man I loved most in the world. I was destroyed. He has not let up since I left him, either – the secretive lies, attacks, games, and schemes continued.
Now….. here’s the kicker: this guy who is SO good at wearing the mask except around me? The one who has convinced EVERYONE that he’s the greatest guy around (well, at least for the limited exposure they have to him)? He was killed on Wednesday in a motorcycle crash. His deception in life was so complete and convincing that the comments people are making about him now will have him canonized for sainthood… and I can say NOTHING AT ALL publicly about the truth of our marriage and why I left. Ever.
Now THAT is a narc with total control of his victim.
Knowledge IS a tool. Use it for yourself, to see, to realize, to understand, to plan, to LEAVE, to rebuild your life, to heal, and to move forward. Nothing will change unless you change it – and if you wait, well, you just never know what might happen….
deb….interesting,, what is important is that YOU are free, I mean really free of him now. l
Dance’s with Moon: That’s really the ‘prize’ at the end of all this, isn’t it? = We are free; I mean REALLY free of them now…
The Thanksgiving Holiday is an anniversary for him and me.
I didn’t realize or recognize the ‘outburst’ for what it was…
It’s back to being quiet again and I am grateful.
I really must condition myself better to recognize these
triggers…
Thanks betsybugs for your post.
Cognitive dissonance is one of the tools (tricks) of their trade.
They inflict their poison upon unsuspecting victims and
the whole time they laugh and find it amusing.
I don’t know about you guys – but I, for one, am sure
glad “IT” is way on far down the road….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let the ‘minions’ have him for their Holiday dinner; I am sure.
Dupey Doo
Betsy,
very good article. Cog/Dis is one of their main tools and it’s really important to recognize the role it plays in keeping their mask on.
I think that the book, “Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me” may be useful to you in your efforts with your daughter. Perhaps read it and pass it on to her.
What I’ve found is that the more I educate myself (and it isn’t easy, there is a price to be paid), the more people are willing to listen to me — even when they have to get past their own cog/dis.
Deb, I know this sounds horrible but, thank God. Thank God he is gone and can’t hurt people anymore. Write a book, Deb. Get the story out there. People need to know.
deb:
I hate to ask this, but how DID you feel when he died? Was it mixed emotions? And perhaps this is a weird question, but why can’t you tell people the truth?
Betsybugs, thank you so much for this article – you’re one courageous human being, and your words directly reflect how far you’ve come in your recovery – a VERY empowering and inspiring journey.
Cognitive dissonance was such a factor in both of my marriages – the first one was horribly abusive, and the cog/diss took years for me to process. This second exspath wasn’t physically abusive, but the devastation was more thorough. Cog/diss plays such a huge role in victimization, and it’s a term that one only learns about AFTER they’ve been victimized, if they ever learn it, at all.
Deb, I don’t know how you reacted to the death of the spath, but when the first abusive exspath died, I went through a really weird series of grieving processes. I was sad for my sons, and I actually cried (hard, and long) for what “should” have been between us. I also felt relief that he could never hurt someone else, again. I felt GUILT for this feeling, too!
Louise, I didn’t tell people the truth about the first exspath after his death because it’s unseemly to disclose ugly truths after someone has died – yes, the spath would NEVER afford a former victim the same courtesy, but that’s how it went with me. The man was dead, so what would it have accomplished by exposing the truths about what he did? No, I never had the opportunity to confront him with what he did, and he was eulogized as a wonderful guy. So what? I couldn’t convince MYSELF that he was an abusive sicko for many years, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to convince anyone else of what he really was, especially after he had died.
Brightest blessings, and thank you for this inspiring article
EDIT ADD: Louise, one of the strongest arguments to AVOID disclosing the truths about a spath that has passed is that spaths effectively paint their victims as “crazy” while they’re alive. To make full disclosures shortly after a spath has died only confirms the illusion that the target is “crazy,” especially if the target is a former spouse or romantic partner. It only CONFIRMS what the deceased claimed. Hope that helps to sort that out a bit. 😀
Truthspeak:
Yeah, this makes a lot of sense. I can see it now. Thank you. 🙂
Dear Betsybugs,
Growing up in a family that is full of cog/dis makes us in our child’s mind think this is “normal” and yet, even then we try to rectify the opposing positions. Seeing and REALIZING the truth is painful, and especially if the truth is that someone we love really didn’t/doesn’t love us.
All the people in my biological family that did love me are dead, but I still have the memory of that love, that closeness to draw on. Letting go of the living ones that I loved, but that are incapable of loving me back has been difficult, and to some extent is still difficult, but it is getting easier.
Your daughter I think holds those grandkids out like a carrot on a stick before a donkey….”donkey walk this way and you’ll get the carrot” but the problem is while the donkey walks toward the carrot, the carrot keeps moving away, so that no matter how far the donkey walks toward the carrot he never gets it.
One of my dearest friends raised her son’s daughter from birth til age 8, then he remarried and took the girl and wouldn’t let the grandmother see her at all. His excuse was “he wanted her to bond with her new step mother” My friend volunteered at the girl’s school so she could wave at her across the cafeteria, she went to the ice rink when the girl had skating lessons, and waved from the stands, she even made peace with the girls BPD mother who had visiting rights and would see the girl at her mother’s, well the girl is nearly 18 now and can’t wait to turn 18 so she can get out of her daddy’s house with her witch step mother and my friend who is now in her early 80s has a wonderful relationship with the girl who is doing well in life in spite of her father, her “wicked step mother” and her BPD mother.
So even if your daughter won’t let you see the kids now, send them cards and letters and small gifts and just keep in mind that they will grow up and there will come a time when they will make their own mind up about wanting to see you.
Betsy,
Thank you so much for your post and honesty. I felt for you.
I learned, eventually, that actions speak louder than words. People can tell you anything, but what they do shows their intent and where they invest their energy.
But that is true about me as well. My actions speak louder than words (theirs.) Like a lot of us here, I’ve been accused of being crazy, but I’ve held my ground. They can flap and yak all they want, but at the end of the day, where are my actions or behaviors “proving” their accusations? It’s true; living well is the best revenge.
My ex-husband, bless his heart, threw that into my S mother’s face. How can you say that when she’s…? If she’s that way, then why…?
He knows better now. He’s listened to both sides and told me repeatedly that my story is the only one that makes any sense. Theirs doesn’t add up. Their story is crazy. He won’t talk with them anymore.
But he’s only one person. However, since he is my ex-husband, it means the world to me that he supports me.
I will not play their game. I know them too well. There is no such thing as “just a little bit.” I’ve learned the hard way if I make an effort in their direction, it turns into, “We’ve been wondering when you are going to apologize.”
It took me many years before I reached that realization. I shudder to think how much time I wasted trying to convince them and others that I wasn’t the person that they said I was.
In part, I fault therapists for that. I know now that most therapists don’t understand about psychopaths and if they had any knowledge of psychopathy, they thought of violent rapists and murderers found in prisons and seedy bars or back alleys. Certainly, they did not thrive in upper-middle-class neighborhoods like what I grew up in. And because I lived in such a nice house in such a nice town, I obviously was being treated well so what was my problem, eh?
No, if the relationship wasn’t working, what was my part in it? What was I doing (to make it bad,) because after all, it takes two people to be in a relationship? Did anybody ever say that I was being abused? No. It was just life, differences of opinion; I needed to see their side of things. I wasn’t crazy. I was seeing things accurately. If there was any insanity, it was them (the experts/therapists) pushing me back to work things out with people whose only goal was to hurt me. What a waste of a life-mine.
Deb, my S mother will turn 90 on Thursday. As far as I know, she’s still going strong. Until she dies, I don’t think I will have true peace (although I do work hard to prevent her from living “rent free” in my head. The fact that I have to work at it means she still have too much space in my life.)
I’ll give a big sigh of relief once she’s gone. I have no intentions of going to her funeral or visiting her grave. I “mourned” my mother (the one I wanted, but never had) years ago. As far as my P sister goes, that’s a different story. I won’t go to her funeral, either, but tell me where she’s buried because I do want to dance on her grave.
Cognitive disonance,
Personified,
Makes you believe,
As your mother I lied.
Born out of rape
Spawned from his sin,
Too much to handle
Your pain held within.
Better to turn off
The trust that you feel
When wealth and his stature
Hold treendous appeal.
Ignore his deceit,
Pretend you believe,
Distort his abandonment,
Hurl more loss; here I grieve.
My son was fooled by his father, the charlatan that lied about every possible characteristic; education, religion, marital status, age, etc, in order to seduce me- then turned his back on all responsibility, obligation and love. My book, “Carnal Deceit”, is in production. If you’d like a soon to be released copy, please let me know. Write to jmincheff@gmail.com.