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By | July 23, 2010 448 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Delete yourself from the lie

A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.

It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.

Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….

Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…

I love you baby…

Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.

It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.

The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.

I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.


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Ox Drover

Dear Kay,

Thank you for sharing this e mail, it is so typical of how they tell us what we want to hear…whether the relationship is man/woman, parent/child, friend/friend…doesn’t matter. They know what we want to hear and say it.

You are so right, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!!!!

bulletproof

Thank you Kay for sharing this…it’s lower than low…it’s so low..it sneaks along undetected…getting ready to poison…there is no preparation, no way of processing the trauma… My body froze and I went into shock for at least 6 months after It began to dawn on me, the extent of the lie that was the P and the extent I beleived him….so many lies…so much damage.

I think that is a very strong visual…to see in my minds eye the mess, the toxic crap all around the memory of him, the lies, then picture myself standing in it all, then I select myself and cut my image

cut and paste to here and now….where there is freedom to be myself, in my integrity once again. In peace, serenity looking back but not for long I hope….preventing new damage by No contact…house on the market now…up for sale….new phase beginning…

HE is the one I want to delete, cut cords with, get away from forever…but for now the memories swirl around and cause deep disturbance….I must release myself from each image, find a window I can climb through…out of the ptsd and back into my life

Frank Lee Speaking

They always use the “you are like a drug to me…” line with everyone.

Frank Lee Speaking

You know, one of the first things I ever did was delete all the emails she ever sent me. I am sorry now I did as they would make facinating reading in light of what I have learned on this blog and others since.

bluejay

Kay,

During our better years, my h-spath would give me wonderful cards (that expressed his love), but that ended once our lives went downhill, me being rammed by so many unpleasant (and unnecessary) experiences ( brought on by the h-spath). What is so sad is that they could avoid a lot of troubles in life if they would just follow “the rules” (like everyone else), being honest and upfront about themselves, just doing what you gotta do in life. Their mental illness makes them always need to look good to the other guy, being incapable of disclosing the actual reality of their lives, being bizarre to the rest of us. It gets old and tiring.

Buttons

Kay, thank you SO much for sharing this – it comes at a very, VERY odd time. Today, out of the proverbial blue, I received a card in the mail from the ex-sister-in-spath asking for my forgiveness! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

She said that she knew that she had treated me “unkindly” and was making “amends.” ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!!!!!!!

SO…..I read her self-serving message, promptly got furious because I had told her twice 5 years ago that I she was NOT welcome to contact me, under any circumstances, and here she goes, again!

This message is going straight into the burn pit in about 5 minutes – releasing the negativity and ridding myself of it, entirely. Then, I’m going to take a quiet walk. Then, I’m going to work in my studio. And, if she ever sends another card or letter, it will be marked, “Return to Sender,” unopened and not entertained. NO CONTACT. And, wasn’t I all prepared to fire off a response? YOU BET I WAS!!! But, this old gal “got it” after a little while, and I’m not responding or replying – I am not REACTING to her self-serving gesture.

Yes, yes, yes………it’s all about THEM, isn’t it? Jayzus criminy crissmass!

Kay, God bless you on your healing path. Thank goodness you GOT OUT – this is something to be grateful for, each and every day. You chose to lose the lie. You chose life over living hell. You made the choice to save your Self – your soul. Thank you, again, for sharing your experience. Your healing helps me to heal and to remember to DELETE, RETURN TO SENDER, or do whatever is necessary to never, ever, EVER have contact with these soul-suckers, again.

Brightest blessings!

learning

Another red flag for me in weeding out the good seeds from the bad seeds is declaration of “self employed” — Esp. on the social networking sites and just in general.

Most people who are self employed dont go around disclosing and proclaiming that fact.

Its the ones who say that they are – that causes me to be extra careful – because in my experience they have been the ones who either cant keep a job, or are way too above working a 9-5 job or are simply LYING. This has been my experience.

Ox Drover

Learning,, that is a good one really, the WAY they say “I’m SELF employed” like that is some kind of badge—TRANSLATION: “I can’t hold a job” LOL

Buttons: you did great GF in burning that missive and not replying to it. You know not getting an answer leaves them curious about it all. “How did she react?” Maybe I’ll hear from her next week. Etc. LOL

I hope you didn’t breathe any of the smoke, it was probably POISON.

Buttons

OxD……..LOL, definitely poison!!!! And, by the way…Buttons is self-employed! ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!

Ox Drover

Yea, my late husband was usually “self employed” as well, or employed by ME—“Hey, boy, you better get that huney-dew list done and fast! ”

Son D says he is “ranch four-men” because he has to do the work of four men! LOL

I used to tell the physician I worked with that I wished I was a doctor instead of a nurse practitioner so I could FARM on a better scale. LOL

The way you tell a REAL FARMER is by what kind of jobs he and his wife have in town!

A stock broker , a banker and a farmer were fishing and talking about the lotto. The stock broker said “If I won it I would invest it in the stock market and double it in 4 years” (this was before the recession) and the banker said, “I’d invest it in CDs and double it in 8 years” and the FARMER said “I think I would just farm it AS LONG AS IT LASTED! LOL

That’s about the truth we call this place “Deficit acres”

Seriously though, Buttons, I am glad you are getting your head on right about this deal with Mike….I’ve learned to keep my EXPECTATIONS realistic. That’s a hard thing with me too. The problems in life are when REALITY is not up to EXPECTATIONS.

learning

Buttons….what is TMNR at the end of ROTHFLMAO -? – it took me an entire day to decode GMAB! LOL…

Buttons

Thanks, OxD – you know, “other people” would suggest that I give the kid a break, and that’s okay in theory. But, coddling someone and hoping and wishing does NOT teach them anything. In fact, nothing can “teach” unless they’re willing to learn.

Learning:

ROTFLMAOTMNR = rolling on the floor, laughing my arse off ’til my nose runs……..I made that up when I was an AOL Chat Host, many years ago – do they still even HAVE chat hosts? LOLOL

Then, there was ROTFLMAOTIBCOMM which = rolling on the floor, laughing my arse off ’til I blow coffee on my monitor

😀

Ox Drover

Dear Buttons,

Spew coke (as in soda pop) out my nose!!! Oh gosh how that hurts!

Well, if you invented ROTFLMAO, and Al Gore invented the internet, I wonder who invented” LOL?” Now I am spewing coke out my nose! LOL

I’m done by the way (BTW) with giving people a “break”—if someone is trying to jack me around or any form of dishonesty, out the door!

Buttons

Oh, I didn’t invent ROTFLMAO……..I just made up the TMNR and TIBCOMM! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carbonated beverages and nasal passages do not work well, together!! {GUFFAWING MIGHTILY}

That’s right, OxD…….dishonesty is verbal diarrhea, and I won’t tolerate it, either!

{{{{hearty, laughing hugs}}}}

purewaters3

I deleted myself from the lie. I was about 7 months pregnant, when I changed my phone number (for the last time – the time before the socio actually threatened to harm a mutual friend unless he got it).

It was in early in the morning, and I hadn’t slept much. I called as soon as my phone company opened.

My mind was reeling over the prior night, how he had looked at me with such disgust. He looked at my stomach and said, “He’s not mine. I bet he’s black.” How his eyes gleamed in hatred when he looked me up and down, and told me that I was lazy and worthless…

I can’t explain the feeling of that. I had devoted so much to this black hole of a person. I’d lost jobs, credibility, my footing in college, even my relationship with my daugher was becomming stressed because of his endless demands for attention; his drama.

I had taken on the “karma” repair work of all his lies, his mistakes, his drama, his 5 year old son, and now this unborn child… on top of my life. My life was nothing like it used to be. I’d lost so much hard work.

And, now… I was lazy and worthless… my son – his son – meant NOTHING. My sacrifices to him, my losses, my hardwork for him and everything else meant nothing. I was worth less than dirt. In his eyes, I could see a twisted, false, shameful reflection of me – a pregnant, nasty, fat, lazy, worthless cow…

He was good at breaking me, manipulating through the “No Contact”. His 20th, 25th – 100th “emotional” text or call had a way of breaking me down again, and toying with me.

And I WAS breaking. I’d reached the brink of something, weak, rejected, condemned, with so much loss (school, job, relationships… eventually more)… 3 months away from giving birth.

But, there was some “voice” urging me on, like a shadow or an angel, warning that if went back again, he would destroy me completely. There was no doubt, anymore. There would be no more of me. No more happiness, joy, faith, hope, or love. I would break. Like a toothpick.

I would literally emotionally and spiritually die.

I couldn’t handle one more word out of his mouth. Not a single word expressing anything – not pretend guilt, selfishness, anger, or resentment. One word could literally make me crumble.

On the morning of April 23rd, 2009, the phone was turned off. At 37 weeks pregnant, I drove 2,000 miles across country with my 5-year-old daugher, to give birth. There were friends there waiting.

My son was born on the 4th of July, 2009. It was quite an independence day 😉

Buttons

Purewaters3, you’re one hell of a courageous woman – GOD BLESS YOU, dear heart! Yes………Independence Day, indeed.

Towanda!!!!!!!!!

purewaters3

Thx buttons 🙂

purewaters3

“Kay”

That is a horrible manipulation, there. Really soulless and empty that they can throw around words like that, and mean none of it.

Glad you “Deleted yourself from the lie”.

Ox Drover

Dear Purewater,

You are indeed a strong woman!!! I am glad that you had your independence from this monster. I am also glad that he is out of your life and your son is FREE of the sperm donor. That is the BEST gift he could have given you!!!! To deny the parenthood.

I do suggest though that you go to Dr. Leedom’s site “Raising the At risk child” and read her book “Just like his father” both will help you as you parent your children. I am glad that they have such a strong and wise mother!!! ((((hugs))))) and my prayers.

purewaters3

Thanks, OxDrover for the compliments and reminding me about those books. I’m going to look them up online, now.

Purewaters,
When the spaths pour out all this sick twisted, hateful garbage, and dump it on us, whats really happening is that they hate themselves. In their hearts{whats left of one!} they KNOW what worthless pieces of shit they really are, and in order to be able to live with this, they vomit and spew all this self hatred in torrents onto us, their so-called”loved ones’
Really they are pathologically jealous of us, because in their twisted souls they know we have the light of truth within us, and thay CANT STAND IT!! They have to try to extinguish our light, because it dazzles their eyes.They envy it, but they fear it too.THATS why they had to kill Christ, he was good and true and honest and humble SO HE HAD TO DIE
They are the lie from Hello to Goodbye.All of the insults they heap on us, speak volumes about THEM.
Love, Mamagem.

bulletproof

purewaters3

I hear you when you say you had taken on “the “karma” repair work of all his lies, his mistakes…..” I really felt that too, and by staying by him, even going after him I was “helping him” this thought began to repulse me, and part of the joy of NO CONTACT is that he no longer has the benefits of my being helping him through the darkness…when he ignored me, when he abruptly left me it was all for maximum pain…they love it…but when I left, and decided to really delete self from the lie…He is lost in the blackness…I constantly say to myself ‘I want nothing to do with his karma contract only my own’

apt/mgr

I, too, deleted myself from the lie. I so admire so many who get it long before I ever did. I knew we were living a lie but I was helpless to prove it. My husband always had this way of denying and blaming. It’s so hard to fight an opinion. Covert abuse but in public, adoring. loving husband and father. Behind closed doors insidious mental abuse. Him wanting to punish me but yet laying the anger aside to have sex with me, then picking it back up and screaming about his lot in life.

We were a poster family for dysfunction. I was a transplant in the community and he was a lifer. They knew him but not me. No one would have believed me. For me, my only help came from divine intervention. I was committed and realize now I should have been for putting up with it! But I’m someone who likes to finish what I started so it was very difficult to realize that what was started, was just all playacting. A cover for who he really was but no knew but me and our children.

It was such a mess. Duplicitous living. Going to church every Sunday, him teaching Sunday School every Sunday, participating in all church activities, but him hating me, our life, etc. We had all the ingredients for the American dream, but it was a nightmare. Granted not like some, but we were to be different, as we were supposed to be Christian, living truth. It was all a lie. I felt for so many years that I’d soon explode if something didn’t happen. Trouble was I went from one lie to another and had to go through another insidious mental endurance test with a man who I believed was my reward for my prior living, to find out he was just a test too. The good of it is that I’m finally living truth as I see it. I’m no longer at the mercy of a disordered mindset that just needed an outlet for the aggression and hatred inside this person who masquerades himself as a real man.

purewaters3

geminigirl,

I think you’re right. I thought so many nights about the things he said, trying to determine if the things he said that piercing, nasty anger were true. But, recently, I started to realize those things were absolutely things HE felt about HIMSELF.

What a realization!

I agree that they envy our spiritual connection to God; to love and happiness – and they want to steal it from us.

That’s a big fear of mine. Did I lose a piece of my soul? Will I always feel this indigestion in my heart? Like there’s something taken from me. I get angry most about that, really.

healingfast19

Here’s a piece of the lie:

“May God bless you with a productive day! Here’s what may last chat message was. I ment everything I said about you not to get you in courtship but to see someone trying to be right in a world like this is beautiful so I encourage women like that to never give up even if another brother wins the prize I will be happy for you both! What’s your fear is maybe you will go into detail if you are ready.

But let me tell you this nothing will happen that you wont allow to happen!!! So if I get wrong toward you than I have stop being a believer but I respect you will protect you care for you die and kill for you!!! And for all of my sisters and brothers as long as they are right! So look and listen for God in your man and listen for God’s words when he speaks. And remember God said that he came to guide us that we may be successful, well that goes for us as well we have been given guidedess on how to go about seeking a helpmate
settle down to a good choice. So settle for nothing less from me or no other man!!! This is all out of love you are a beautiful sister because of the God in you hope it’s real and not fake! But time will tell. If it were not for your prays Allah would not care for you so ask of him he will give it in his good time!!!”

I mean this dude deserves an Oscar!!! I believed every last word he said. But this is what he says, which is a far cry from what he DOES. He underestimated my belief in God and overestimated his ability to overcome that belief because “he was just that irresistible”. He used my belief that marriage was until death til us part as assurance that I would take whatever came down the pike! NOT!!

He talked about “raping” me because he couldn’t wait to make love. I thought he was just excited. I let it pass. He would send me pornographic materials that involved acts prohibited by our faith. I would question him about it and he would say he was focused on the actual position, but that he didn’t need porn. He said he had a previous partner that loved to have him abuse her while having sex. It wasn’t long before I noticed a frightening pattern developing. I was like you need help. He of course said he was doing nothing wrong. I brought up our faith laws and he couldn’t get around it. That’s when I came here to lovefraud. I initially focused on the porn being THE problem and then I realized when a friend said something about him possibly being a spath, that there was something much bigger going on.

I got out before he moved in with us. I was afraid for my children and myself. I think I just scratched the surface of who he was, and that was enough for me! I not only deleted myself from the lie. I deleted the lie!!

purewaters3

Bulletproof,

About the “karma” repair. At first, I minimalized his “black hole” of a heart, thinking I could just fill it up with a little bit of love. But, “it” was never satisfied…

He just took, and took, and took, until there was almost nothing more to take. And, I kept doing my little jig back and forth trying to fix and compensate for the idiot.

My socio did things for that maximum pain effect, too – to break me; make me doubt myself and my resolve. It was like being “stunned”.

purewaters3

healingfast19,

You were smart to get out! That sounds very disturbing, and I’m sure he was trying to “brainwash” you into accepting the kind of torture he had waiting in his heart for you.

healingfast19

Thanks pure! What concerns me is that he also is a armed security guard. I have to be careful about pulling the covers off of him. He’s had this cover for 13 years. I do not know the full scope of his demonic nature. So I dont want to set off a set of events that I have no idea what to expect.

apt/mgr

Fellow Lovefrauders-I mean no disrespect but I’m so glad you all experienced what I did! I really thought I was going crazy and getting ready for a nervous breakdown. After all the years with my husband and his love/hate on an every day basis, to meet a gorgeous man who noticed me, had left me with so much self doubt. But to find so many others who have gone down that same path, brings me comfort. We all can’t be wrong about the same thing.

This man I met, who proclaimed us to be “best buds”, almost drove me to the point of total defeat. He had so many secrets and me, being an open and honest person, couldn’t understand why he wanted to know about me but wouldn’t tell me about himself. It’s because his life is built on lies and he sucks everyone into that vortex in his mind and it’s so difficult getting out. He was in Vietnam and told me one time that he had a trunk full of Viet Cong ears in a trunk in his storage along with a trunk full of A-K47’s. But he said the rats probably ate the ears. And this from a man who took such good care of the outside. I was naive enough to think if one took care of the outside they must take care of the inside. Boy was I wrong.

And now at this age, I am quite glad to be alone. No more dealing with half truths which are whole lies, no more dancing to a tune that is out of tune. Lots of men I meet, tenants, can’t understand why I prefer being alone. If they only knew. I’ve raised my children, and they all moved away, and I’m left with no one but me. This was all a spiritual awakening for me. I know that brings a scoff from many but that’s what it was for me. I’ve had my eyes opened wide to evil and I’m on the alert for it. God was my redeeming factor. He brought the truth I so desperately crave.

It ended with this friend, with me finding out that along with playing his mind games with me, exploiting me out of thousands of dollars, he really was out doing the same thing elsewhere. He’s a sexual pervert, not in the least interested in a real relationship. He has been having a sexual affair with one of the local attorney’s wives, along with gay guys and just anyone he can draw into his web of lies. He got involved with a local gay couple and I know these guys but he didn’t know that. He was bragging to them about me, telling them that I wanted to “jump his bones”.

The one half of the gay couple came to me because he suspected my friend was having an affair with his friend. Found out through several happenings this is most likely so, and when I confronted my friend, through a text msg., he took my msg to the cops and lied and made it look like I was stalking him. He told the cops I was to stay away from him. I asked the cops if he told them how he ran in and out of my life for 15 years and bilked me out of all that money. He shoved me around my office when I threatened him. The cop asked why I didn’t file charges and I said I just wanted my money back.

That was about 1 1/2 yrs., ago, and he’s been driving past my office all this time. There’s a $store beside my office and he’s seen there all the time, looking up at the office, wanting me to notice him. That’s what he did before. It worked then. Doesn’t now. These psychopaths need new material.

When he went to the cops, he proved I was right. But he shot himself in the face when he aimed the gun at me. He lost his “best bud” that was an outlet for his sick mind. I’m onto him and he can keep trucking with all the ones who tried to take down all the ones represented here. Couldn’t we get a petition to have them sent to, say, Alcatraz, then they can drive each other crazy.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

purewaters- you said: ‘I’m sure he was trying to “brainwash” you into accepting the kind of torture he had waiting in his heart for you. ‘

…..the kind of torture he had waiting in his heart for you. whoa. reading that just took me someplace else for a couple of minutes.

well said.

hurtnomore010

I just don’t know what is going on today. I just sit here wondering why on earth I got stuck with the sociopathic father. I mean out of all the human beings to be my parents I got the sociopathic father and an abusive mother. My dad just doesn’t care about us kids at all. I mean he left my little brother at a stranger’s house. My mom just beats the crap out of us for no reason. Whether it be a bad marriage, breakup, stressed at work or anything to just express anger. I mean she stopped awhile back but she doesn’t see why I need a job. She is bothered that I want to stick with my job instead of visiting her. Its not like I don’t want to but to live with a guy who doesn’t give a hoot if you have to use the metro at night. Everytime I look at someone else’s parents, their parents are helping them get their stuff for college. I’m stuck doing it on my own with money I earned at my job. Its not that I can’t do it on my own. It would just be better if I knew my family was there. But I am happy to say that, I got my financial aid and now my tuition is decreased to about 19,000 dollars from about 36,000 dollars. I’m also happy that I’m moving towards the exit away from my dad. My mom, on the other hand, I forgave her.

lostingrief

hiya Oxy!
way above you wrote: if someone is trying to jack me around or any form of dishonesty, out the door!
interesting.
Two years NC now and i’m doing great … still a little curious, can still cry for a moment over the deception if i think about it, but i’m really good. but lately, i’ve been feeling nervous, feeling bad about myself, feeling tentative, and wondering why.
then i realized that a female friend of mine — a ‘healer’ — had become very admonishing to me … scolding, really. one night i just realized that i’m walking on eggshells with her, and look back on emails and voice messages to see a pattern of … well… abuse! “don’t say ‘can’t’ to ME!” “your bad energy is making my nervous system sick!” after a visit to my beautiful apartment: “there is a BAD entity here, and your apartment is making me SICK … smudge!”
well, she’s had this ‘negative’ energy all her life … even wrote about it in a book. i realized she had to go, especially after she refused to apologize for writing a particularly mean email which included denigrating comments about my nationality.
well, i realized i was being JACKED AROUND! here i was kissing her ass, apologizing everytime i said or did something she didn’t deem to be spiritual enough for her. OUT SHE GOES!!!
i thought i would feel bad. she’s been a friend forever. the next day i was skipping around and felt so freakin’ liberated! the thing is, i’ve never had trouble with women, so she flew under my radar, and i really did think i was the problem. after all, she’s beautiful and ladylike and successful and thin, blah blah blah, and her subtle messages to me that i perhaps wanted to ‘grow up’ to be like her were everywhere.
now i know, like you said, if anybody is jerkin’ me around … out they go. i feel like a new person, i’ve lost 20 lbs since june 1st, and everyday feels better.
thanks for your reinforcement!
towanda!

lostingrief

hurtnomore: i am so sorry to read your post. don’t kid yourself. many, many kids don’t have supportive parents. my dad was a sociopath, too. abused me, hit us and my mom, i used to lock myself in my room when i heard his car door slam when he came home from work. i also struggled through college and life, and it took my mom, a victim who at 80 is just beginning to understand what we all went through, many years to realize i needed emotional and financial (sometimes) support. but she’s on board and has read this blog.
i also used to think that everyone’s parents were normal and nice. but strangely, others thought that about me, too.
be good to yourself, surround yourself with loving people, and move forward … one day at a time.
things are so often not what they seem, and it takes time and hindsight to see that.
you sound like a hard-working, good person. be blessed …

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hurtnomore – if you take my council seriously it will change your life.

look at your above post. make your life about the part of it that starts with: ‘ but i am happy to say that….’

really focus on thinking and doing things that develop your strength and independence. and speaking about it in a positive manner. make that your template for your relationship with yourself, and by extension, with the world.

what i am describing is a ‘practice’, and like all practices it is work. but the rewards will be well worth it. you are young enough to see great results from working with your mind to become independent of self defeating thoughts and thought processes.

no amount of grief or sadness will change who your family is. it just won’t. feel these feelings. let them come and go. but don’t get stuck in confusion. confusion is nothing more than internal gymnastics; a bargaining within your pysche to have your family be okay if you just, or they just…. Whenever you feel confused, just say to yourself: ’they are disordered and dysfunctional, and will never pull me up in life; even though they may help at times the only thing consistent with them is their lack and inconsistency.’

work hard at accepting that you cannot expect them to change. but YOU can save yourself from their dysfunction. that is your job, and a big one. use your energy there.

stop questioning why others have and you don’t – change your focus – you don’t have, so what can you do to move forward in your life, and to have good relationships? Focus on this.

i know the hand you have been dealt sucks. not accepting the reality of your parent’s dysfunction, staying in confusion – these things will sow the seeds of resentment and bitterness. there ARE NO ANSWERS in your family to the questions you are asking. the answers live in your living a different life. (and in seeking help, guidance from others outside your family; and in developing your strength and resilience for when there just isn’t any worldly help) lose the victim mentality, leave the abuser/ victim mentality – move into your spirit’s life – it is one that you are to live.

break free. both simple and hard. you ARE moving ahead. and CONGRATULATIONS on getting your funding!

hurtnomore010

thank you both, one step and losting grief.
one_step: I had a feeling since I was younger to keep minimal contact with my family. I also wanted to keep my life private and to discontinue the dysfunction and abuse. I’m working on that but its so hard. My other siblings keep in contact with my two aunts who mistreat us. I chose not to speak to them because I don’t want to be mistreated anymore. Its so hard because everybody says you have no choice but to deal with your family. You can’t keep minimal contact. But I feel that the further away from my family the better my life will be. I chose to go to another school in another state. My mom keeps saying I have to speak to my two aunts that is what family is.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hurtnomore – your spirit knows. all this ‘family’ talk is just convention. something humans do at times. ‘everybody’ can just get stuffed.

so first practice – keep supporting your own spirit. pay attention to what it knows. state the obvious to yourself – ‘ i listen to my spirit, not to convention’

Maryjane

“Delete yourself from the lie.” is a great phrase.

Read the conversation with a man on http://www.womenexplode.com and the thread beneath it.

It is honest and clear about the male intentions.

Cat

Kay,
Thanks for sharing this email. I’m starting to wonder if there is one generic email form they all work off of. “Insert this emotion here___. Insert this line here____.” So much of what he wrote to you sounded like the dribble I had received for so long.

“Delete yourself from the lie.” I LOVE this! In a sense, I think that’s what recovery is all about, deleting yourself from all their lies and deleting them from our lives. Good post!

Cat

learning

Style 1,

Hi Style 1 –

Am curious, are you one of the founders (Ann or Amy) of the recently formed blogspot womenexplode.com?

healingfast19

One_step,

I know what you mean. I still have knots in my stomach from reading that because I believe it to be absolute gospel. I read it to a friend of mine and she had the same response. I am afraid to even consider what he had in mind. I am thankful I’m not around to find out!

bulletproof

I Read the conversation with “A man”
it was mediocre…it hasnt changed my life or anything…it was um ok…the articles here on lovefraud are better in my humble one opinion…

Ox Drover

Dear LIG,

Yep, I had several “friends” in my circle that were LONG time “close” friends and eventually I realized these people were my “friends” for the BENEFITS they got from me…but it was NOT a reciprocal relationship, the giving and the helping went ALL one way.

My best friend and I have been “best friends” since 1985 and she lives in Texas and I live in Arkansas a 7 hour drive, but we have BEEN there for each other from the get go, we visit, we do things for each other, we give each other things, we support each other, we laugh together and we cry together—and I couldn’t count the things she has done for me, and I can’t count the things I have done for her. The NUMBER is not important, what IS important is that I love her and I know she loves me. She treats me with courtesy and kindness, and if I need my butt kicked she will do that too. LOL

But people who try to USE me for their benefit, who try to put as “FAST ONE” over on me, or are TAKE TAKE TAKE or have a sense of ENTITLEMENT for me to take care of their needs—–NOPE, and as Lady McBeth said “OUT, DAMN SPOT!”

Ox Drover

Dear Hurtnomore,

You say your financial aid came through and now you only need $19,000 to pay the rest of your tuition for your school, which costs I believe $36,000. Who are you expecting to pay the $19,000? That is quite a bit of cash actually.

You say that your mother beat you and your father controls you in every way. I hadn’t heard you say anything previously about your mother also being a problem. You say you have “forgiven” her.
Has she :
1) acknowledged what she did by beating you was wrong?
2) has she acknowledged that she knows it hurt you?
3) has she told you she was sorry she did it?
4) has she promised to never do it again?

A person who SEEKS our forgiveness will do those things if they are sincere with their sorrow and shame for doing something to hurt us.

Forgiving a person for hurting us is one thing, to me it means getting the bitterness about it out of MY heart, but i t does NOT mean that I will trust them.

You also say your mother tells you that you must have contact with your aunts who are your “family” so she too is trying to control what you do and what you think.

I am not sure what culture you come from but many cultures insist that “family” must be endured no matter what they do, other cultures like some in India will literally do an “honor killing” of a woman who does not marry who they wish her to or marries out of her cast, or has sex before marriage.

So not knowing the cultural components of what your family is trying to accomplish, it may be that your Americanization may be classing with your parents’ culture as much as anything.

It may also be that the college you would LIKE to attend is so expensive that if either your mother or father won’t or can’t pick up the bill for the $19,000, then you may have to get a job, and go to work, save your money and go to a cheaper community college and not be able to go to the more expensive college.

I know that if my child needed $19,000 per year for tuition, I would not be able to supply that amount. My 2 sons who went to college, worked and paid most of their own tuition at state school, and qualified for some scholarships and grants, but basically, they paid for it themselves.

When I went to college, I borrowed money, went to a state school, and got a small grant, and worked as well.

I know you are frustrated at your father’s attitude and control over you, but if you lived in MY house there would be rules as well. My adult son D lives in my house and we are great friends and “roommates” but he keeps me informed of when he is leaving, where he is going, and when to expect him home. This is just a SAFETY and COURTESY to each other, and if I go some where I make sure to notify him as well with the same information.

He has chores around here because he lives here too….we have the chores divided. When my other adult son C moved back here for a while, he also had chores to do and to pay his share of the utilities, his own phone, provide his own vehicle, etc. so the person who OWNS the “home” (even if it is rented) is the one who makes the rules. If you don’t like the rules, then LEAVE and provide your own home, and make your own rules.

My son C decided he didn’t like some of the rules I made and so he lied to me about it, and the BIG RULE here is to NOT lie, so when he did lie and I found out, I asked him to leave my house.

When you are out of high school or are 18, your parents are no longer OBLIGATED to house and support you, or to pay your tuition in college. Some people do, out of love, continue to let their children live at home and to give them money, or pay college or buy them cars, or even buy them a house, but they are not OBLIGATED to.

However, if you accept support from someone, if they are paying your college, money for living, housing, vehicle, etc. they are going to EXPECT you to follow THEIR rules most of the time. Unfortunately some of these payments are not really UNconditional gifts, but payments on control….do what I want or I will cut off funds, and they do have that right.

So you might want to think about some things, and maybe even consider supporting yourself and going to a cheaper college.

Good luck.

erin1972

Kay-geez, you’re right-that e-mail was a big trigger. I am PMS right now and a little emotional-no tears though. The ENTIRE e-mail was identical to everything that my ex told me everyday for the year that we were together.

I too, was his pawn in his little game. He told me everyday how I was his princess and his whole world. His life changed when I came into it. He was going to spend the rest of his life with me. I completed his life. I was going to have his baby. He was never ever going to love anyone else the way he loved me and he was never ever going to have sex with everyone else but me for the rest of his life-etc. Sometimes it’s still a little hard to believe that someone would do that-after all, my N mother told me that there was good in everyone and to give everyone a chance and always forgive.

I finally made a statement on facebook this morning that I will make again here. This time last year I would have told you that my 30’s was the worst decade of my entire life. I realize now that it’s the best. I will add comments to that here that I wouldn’t put on FB. This time last year I was dying in pain after being discarded. I was unemployed and couldn’t keep a job because I was an emotional wreck and completely broken down and devastated. Even though I now have to deal with his wife being at my job, I am still satisfied.

I will be 38 soon and I have learned more in this decade than I have in my entire life. I know that my parents’ upbringing caused some MAJOR damage in my life and some of that helped me to be so vulnerable to the repeated socios and narcissists that have been in my life. I broke that cycle this year. None of those people will ever be in my life as a lover ever again. I see all the red flags. I used to trust everyone until they gave me a reason not to, and now I distrust everyone until they give me a reason to trust them.

I still have a long way to go. I have serious journaling and examining to do still. My home life caused me to comfort myself with food and spending money. We had a strict ex-Marine gunnery Sgt Hartman type of father who did not allow us to express feelings/emotions-that kind of stuff was weak and made him angry. I learned to shove all my fears, anger,and sadness down deep inside. It’s a pressure cooker-eventually it boils over and with me it be like a volcano erupting. Be the time I got to college, I couldn’t stuff the feelings anymore. That’s when I started gaining weight and falling into serious debt problems. My sisters handled our childhood by becoming anorexic/bulemic. I handled it by eating junk food and stopped exercising.

Now here in my late thirties I am finally learning to be satisfied with myself, learning to like myself and getting my finances in order and finally will be getting the career that will make me most happy. I am reading about objectivism and it appeals to me on some level. I am going to pick up my guitar again and get serious learning how to play it and getting my piano back. I will be doing things to de-stress me and make me happy. I joined another gym and I am trying to establish a better program for myself. I am cleaning out my apartment and getting rid of crap and clutter that I don’t need.

I am also seriously thinking about moving to another to another city where I used to live-after the first of the year. I can’t decide for sure now but I will see how it goes. Going to STL would really help me out in beginning my police career. The cost of living is WAY less than NOLA and the PD in STL has better training, better pay, and they supply all equipment except my shoes. I’m starting to feel like it doesn’t make sense to stay here.

I just feel way more content with myself right now and I feel like I’m on my way out of the darkness.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

erin72 – man, you are gooooood when you are premenstrual.

erin1972

one_step-LOL girl. I hope you are doing well. I hope the job is good. Yeah, I woke up with this feeling this morning. I have been cleaning out this place and went to Barnes and Noble and spent $65 on books. I did have one major meltdown due to the IRS and Louisiana Dept. of Revenue. I had a good cry and then I was fine. I had to calm down and realize that it wasn’t doing me any good to panic. I have finally figured out that I am going to have to get an accountant and do amendments to my taxes from 2006-2008 because I made major mistakes due to inexperience, ignorance, and computer problems. I don’t think that I will owe them what they think I owe them.

So I had my little anxiety attack and now I’m relaxed. I’m not letting myself stress anymore. No more freaking out about anything-not even my ride in the elevator with the spath’s wife last night at work. She after all is the unhappy one because she has him!

Buttons

Erin1972 – you rock, girl. Indeed, you are safe and the world is your oyster! If you want to move, you CAN! You can do anything that you put your mind to! You can BE whatever you want, and LIVE your life instead of just existing in it.

Pity the spath’s wife even though she chooses to stay with him. She must be so miserable and she likely has been so brainwashed that she believes that she somehow deserves her misery. She is not living – she is merely existing. Yes, pity her and KEEP that forward momentum!

TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brightest blessings! 😀

erin1972

Buttons-thank’s girl. I’m trying to do more than merely exist in my life. It’s real weird how sometimes I get flooded with memories about the love I felt for him and it feels sad. I really hate PMS. That’s when I think of the good times and feel sad. Then I have to remember how I felt at night when he went home to HER. I never plan to go through that type of pain EVER again. I SO did NOT deserve that. I don’t deserve having that happen to me.

It’s hard because this is my home and I don’t want to leave it. People that are not from here have a hard time relating to how NOLA is in your heart and you can’t shake it. At the same time, sometimes I feel like it’s so depressing here. I want to enjoy life and be happy. I’m not making any decisions until after the first of the year.

butterfly_0924

I am starting to get really frustrated with myself. It’s been a year since I’ve been with my psychopath. He’s had tons of girls since then and has clearly moved on (let’s be honest, he was another girl the day he broke it off with me) I tried so hard to get him to break it off. Anytie I triede, he would lure me back in until I accepted that I would have to wait for him to end it. And he finally did. But I was still so hurt. Maybe partly because he ended it over text message, after nearly two years together. And now it’s a year later, my life has moved on, but inside I feel like I’ve made no progress. I’m still sad. I havn’t felt happy in who knows how long. Over a year. I’m still haunted by memories. When will I feel happiness again? I’m beginning to think that emotions aren’t felt, only pretend and make believe. So many things are happening that I should be rejoicing about but all I can do is pretend to be excited and happy about them. am I alone here? just don’t know what else to do. this negativity has pushed people away and I don’t even have friends. even my family hardly likes me now.

Buttons

Butterfly_0924 {{gentle hugs}} You will feel happy. It takes some time to get our feet firmly planted on our healing paths. The “memories” are merely that: memories which are OUR perception of what we wanted to believe. What really was is far darker and uglier.

One of the ways that I learned how to feel that joy again was to wake up, very, very early and sit outside and watch the world wake up. Listening to the birds calling back and forth and watching the light go from grey to pink. Life is good. We’re safe. We’re going to be whole, again, and we weren’t in the obituaries when we woke up.

Brightest healing blessings to you!!!

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