A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
Shana..the name of the book is MEN WHO CAN”T LOVE how to recognize a commitment-phobic man before he breaks your heart Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.
Its an older book, copywritten in 1987. Great book because he interviews these men. Right from the horses mouth! lol
With the divorce rate and infidelity rate so high, along with the exposure the youngsters have today that we didn’t have, I feel that its important to talk with our children about relationships…with friends, coworkers, and just people in general.
I wish my Mom had spoken to me about “people”. I am educating my daughters, not scaring them, about the big bad world we are leaving them. Times are tougher than ever, and I have instilled into them, to not be so naive and trusting as I have been in my life, especially with men. They need to know this stuff to survive in our world. People skills. Of course, they will make mistakes and learn on their own…but, I don’t want them to fall in the hands of a con artist…whether its a girlfriend, boss, or boyfriend. I encouaraged them to talk to me about what goes on in school and in their social lives. My 15 yr old neice just went through hell with a girlfriend who is a liar and user and has stabbed her over and over. My brother had me come up and talk to her about “people skills”, because he knows I have made some serious mistakes that noone ever warned me about in my life…
Back in the day, my Mom also said, “Once you sleep with them, they don’t want you anymore.” She never told me stories or encouraged me to find my passion in life and not to let others bring me down. She pushed me to “get married” also, and quit college. I knew better because I saw her marriage to my Dad…which was awful.
My r/s with my b/f was the first one after 5 yrs of “healing” from a marriage to a sociopath. I wasn’t “healed” and confident enough to get involved and I made mistakes. I wasn’t honest and upfront with him with my feelings and when I found out he was not being honest about his financial problems with me….I ran. I assumed he was lying about other things….but I knew in my heart that he loved and cared about me…which confused me. Instead of confronting him, I ended the r/s and was sick about it.
I was still damaged from my ten yr r/s with my xhusb, who is a classic socio. But, my b/f wasn’t abusive and heartless like him at all…which is why I stayed with him for two years!
I knew I had to face some major issues that getting close to him triggered. So, I ended the relationship and went to extensive therapy. I couldn’t do it on my own. The issues were from my childhood and I was ready to face them. Luckily I found Judy, who worked with me for the past year. I couldn’t be in a r/s and do this. It was painful, but in the past year I’ve grown so much and I feel that I’ve finally “self-actualized” in my life. I know who I am, and I finally like who I am…and I am stronger now and have the skills I never had before.
It wasn’t the r/s break up that brought me here for support, although it triggered me to finally decide to work on ME. And I did. Now, I am stronger. But, it took going deep within to get me here…only with the help of a qualified professional. This board has been support for me…which I have needed along with my therapy. After being married to a socio…and abused, it was finally time to face the music.
I discussed all of this with my b/f and why I never confronted him. We are taking things slowly, no intimacy yet, just rebuilding trust and friendship. I am happy now. He didn’t understand me, because I was never confronted him with my feelings. I was still damaged and didn’t realize it, from my xhusb. He sees the difference in me now, and loves it. I am not afraid to say what I feel as before. I just ran before, and kept all of my feelings inside. I wasn’t “healthy” and so the r/s couldn’t work. I was too insecure. It takes two healthy people to make a r/s work. That I now know.
My life is good now. I had a rough year trying to save my house, save my heart, get physically well…(two more surgeries to go and back to the gym! ) and it is all paying off. Its time to relax and smell the coffee….and I deserve the inner peace I feel now. The pain was worth it.
I thank Judy, my therapist, and this board for supporting me in the past year!
Gemini….THANKS! I always loved that quote…..because I wish I knew then….what I know now! lol
I told my girls that I was “friends” with my b/f again. They are older now and they just want me to be happy. They KNOW that their father is a socio….because he ignores them, and doesn’t pay the support. I explained to them that his actions show what he is…and how his abuse in his childhood taught him wrong. They are still too young to know the details.
Two years ago, I brought the first man into my home, my b/f. They all rebelled….didn’t want their attention taken from me by a man, after all of the years of me not having a man. In time, they started to accept him. They saw me hurt last summer, but they knew it was everything…losing my job, the house and problems with my x. They just want me happy.
My oldest said that since I spoke to my x two weeks ago, I seem so much happier. Thats all they worry about…and I am taking things very slowly now with my b/f….not bringing him back into my home yet.
Hello! I am so glad that all of you could benefit from this story! I have soooo many emails that I have chosen to keep in the event his former wife comes looking for me when he claims I did not exist. He was very cautious and kept me away from many people that he knew may tell her about me. This email was classic for him. He was EXCELLENT with words. But as the old saying goes, Actions Speak Louder than Words. He never followed through with any of this. Many more came after this one did.
Do they use a template? Peace and Love People!
erin1972 – You struck a nerve with the Notebook movie. That is who he said we were. The perfect lovestory. RIGHT!
To EVERYONE –
Do you notice that sociopaths tend not to have a lot of friends? I believe the reason is that they don’t want people to really know them so if they keep people at an arms length, well then they never really know their broken persona… Do you agree? Has this been any of your experiences?
Kay
bulletproof –
Trust me when I tell you that everything repeats in my mind almost on a daily basis. It is easier to say that you can DELETE them immediately but he was so convincing. You learn not to trust, you learn to second guess everything that any other man tells you, which I might add is completely unfair to the new person but it is a hard lesson learned.
Kay
Hey Kay,
Yes that was my experience. Most of his socialization I believe was at work or at his place of worship. Never any prolonged relationships out of those two arenas. Sometimes he wouldn’t leave home at all. He wouldn’t talk about his friends or really his family – even his own children. Once I asked him about how his children were doing in school once and he said he didn’t know because he didn’t ask them. Then he proceeded to cover up his lack of concern by harping on his belief that the public school system wasn’t teaching them anything anyway. Really???? Can you say Narcissist!?
I believe right now he is paranoid. He is afraid of what I might tell others about his “secrets”. He couldn’t convince me that I was unworthy and undesirable, so I am considered to be a loose cannon. I got an email trying to siphon info about me so he could tell what I was thinking. NEVER responded! Yeah me!! No Contact!! He’s appears not to be the kind that will engage in talking too much about what happened for fear that his true nature will be uncovered – especially because he could never get me under his complete control.
Kay777, I noticed that Spaths don’t have any friends either. I believe its due to several reasons.
1. They think they are superior to all others … so how could they be friends with those beneath them (aka that mini god complex they’ve got going).
2. They believe they are the PT Barnums of the world … that mere mortals are to be conned … aka A SUCKER IS BORN EVERY MINUTE philosophy.
3. What they believe is what they are. They are liars and cons, therefore, they believe others are too.
healingfast19 – You are right when you said this:
I believe right now he is paranoid. He is afraid of what I might tell others about his “secrets”. He couldn’t convince me that I was unworthy and undesirable, so I am considered to be a loose cannon…
At the end he BEGGED me not to tell anyone about his pornography addiction, BEGGED!.
They live a paranoid existence. Everyone is out to get them and that is because they are out to get everyone.