A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
Shabbychic;
Healing only comes by being completely honest with ourselves. When you are honest in front of others, not only is the impact on yourself greater, you are providing them service in their health, making yourself feel even better. The concepts of honesty and service are straight out of 12-Step programs, but honesty in from of another person can be viewed as “confession” which religious people find very powerful.
In the last 2 years, I have faced four major challenges. First, my health. Interestingly, by being so focused on the relationship void in my life, I was never deeply affected by my heart surgery, at least consciously. But that is fixed. Second, all my issues led to a drinking problem. That is fixed. In these two years, I have been involved with a legal battle with my former employer over my illegal termination. The case is part whistle blower and part discrimination against me. Tomorrow with my lawyer, I am going over the final draft of my suit complaint. We are giving my former employer one last chance to either settle or agree to arbitration. Thankfully, I am beginning to see this as the major issue in my life, along with the fact that both unemployment and my money is running out.
Then there is the continued “obsession” with Jamie. While I am smart enough to understand the reasons for such an obsession, I have been relatively powerless to conquer it. Part of this is due to all the time on my hands and being alone for hours; part is becoming depressed again; the last part is my analytical nature. I have three engineering degrees and my part of my career entailed problem analysis for NASA. I could write a book on cyber-stalking and I am not just talking about following Facebook connections. Here we go.
The part of me that respects Jamie is angry that he does not cover his tracks well. From one profile on a dating website, I was easily able to find his profile on several porn sites. I was also able to find a Yahoo profile with his full name and city. All this stuff I knew for over a year.
I actually stay away from his Facebook page, because his profile picture was taken the day we met. I wonder if even realizes that. One of his friends Facebook page was open, so I was able to find other pictures of him. I was both angry and sad. Angry that as I was sharing some cool shots of New York I was taking at that time, he never mentioned or offered to share his. One of these included a picture of him at the top of the Empire State Building and faintly in the background, over his left shoulder, is my apartment building. He looks very sad in this picture, which I found curious given he was hours from a date with me.
I stopped looking at his dating website profile when he stopped logging in. Selfishly, I felt that as long as he was active on this site he was “available” and probably feeling miserable, just like myself. But when he stopped logging in, I naturally assumed he had “found” somebody and became not only jealous but felt even more the loser. I did frequently check his porn profiles and seeing that he was active there at least helped me feel that he was not somebody I wanted to be involved with, especially given the graphic and unsafe activities he seems drawn to.
Right before surgery, I checked the dating website profile and found that it was active again. Again, selfishly, I felt “happy” he had not found anyone. That happiness turned to sadness as over the course of a month or so he stopped logging in, four years to the day when he first started with that site.
The problem with cyber-stalking and why it needs to stop is that cyber-stalking never puts the fires out, it is more like throwing gasoline on embers. Is any of his activities indicative of anything other than he spends a lot of time online, between various pornographic and mainstream dating websites? When he is not online, does this mean he is happily with somebody? Maybe it simply means that he has not generated much interest…
The one thing I am proud of is that I had the opportunity to do something truly malicious and did not. Last summer, I met a guy in his last week of employment on Yahoo’s help desk. I could have easily asked him to looked up the postal code entered by Jamie, but I did not. By knowing Jamie’s postal code, I know enough else about him to hack in. Yes, I have tried the postal code from is current address, but it does not work…
The last bit of stalking started right after my surgery with me spending time in the chat rooms of the major UK gay website. Interestingly, while I knew Jamie had a profile there, as his friends joked about it, I was never able to find it. There was a side of me that wanted to “play” him to see if I could get some answers. One day I was contacted by a guy who looked a lot like a Facebook friend of Jamie. I remembered this guy not only because he looked similar to me, but because he became a friend of Jamie after me. I always wondered not only if he and Jamie were involved, but it made me wonder why not me… Thankfully, this has not logged in since I messaged him back. But there is a “James_1234” who was active at that time and stopped logging in the next day. See what I mean about more questions than answers… There is a “RightJim” too. Could this be “Jamie Wright?” Profile details in these cases are too scant, but there is nothing to exclude him. See what I mean about more questions then answers…
Thus, it was another friend of Jamie’s whose trail recently led me to another series of websites associated with Jamie. This friend I did meet. He is the one who kidded me about Jamie web presence — “ask Jamie about his Gaydar.com profile.” In a conversation with Jamie, I alluded to this comment, mostly by saying the online thing was not for me. Jamie said nothing — little did I know. This guy is Jamie’s flat mate and it seems that everywhere this guy has a profile, so does Jamie. This guy, however, is far more explicit than Jamie and far more active. Naturally, I assume that their small flat must be a hive of activity…
This profile of Jamie’s is very similar in wording to the other: “Hobbies include boys, a beer or two, talking and a bit of fooling around…” Keep in mind this is a 36 year-old man. Back again to WTF? Also, why was he so physically uneasy around me? Again more questions then answers.
Here is a guy who is insulted and “offended” when I ask him back to my place, yet online he appears to be quite promiscuous. One friend suggested he was protecting me, but let me be honest here. Regarding HIV, most of the gay world operates on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and the onus is on the individual to protect himself. In all my active years, I have met only three guys who were upfront about their status, two before sex and one actually after. Again, maybe he is not HIV+ after all. I am only 99.9% sure.
Could this sociopath really be after something more? Maybe too he really isn’t a sociopath? Certainly cyber-stalking him is not going to answer any questions. At least I finally found Jamie’s Gaydar.com profile. Maybe that give me the answer I have been looking for. “Interested in meeting single man for relationship, friendship, email/chat, 1-on-1 sex between 22 & 35 years old.” I always suspected that Jamie was attracted to younger guys. Why string me along then? What did he want from me?
More important, why do I even care. Any of his online profiles I would have skipped over. He has more red flags than the Soviet army. The more I learn about him, the less attractive he seems to me, at least from what cyber-stalking indicates.
BehindBlueEyes, all our Spaths are the whores in the world. They no longer hang out on street corners beckoning clients of their wares … they are in the boardrooms and cubicles … of every company/corporation global (private and public). They wear suits and smiles. They are both male and female, young or old, and come from all walks of life.
Peace to getting past the obsession that this whore even existed in your world.
Wini;
Thanks. Funny, I was simultaneously victimized by both a relationship sociopath and a corporate one… The common thread to both was being too trusting and inability to understand manipulative people, especially covert ones…
behind_blue_eyes,
I didn’t know that there were manipulative people out there (never thinking that one’s own spouse could be that way), being sneaky and underhanded just to get their way.
Bruised and absolutely shattered feeling like just emerged from a major crash and that have wasted four years trying to understand actions of the man. The new realisation that he probably had planned and calculated his actions is almost too much to cope with. it feels if I accept the fact my mind might explode. just cant and currently do not want to comprehend that it was all a game with his plan. all my feelings for him were for a fictional figment of my head which makes me so angry resentful and wanting retribution. How much responsibilty in this was mine? i must have played a part.
So many emotions to cope with at the same time. Hurt, anger, confusion, resent, self pity, loneliness, relief, bruised pride and revenge. Where on earth do you start and when able to accept realisation he is a sociopath is it liberating? Cannot let the time spent with him in my life be for no purpose need to turn it around and with time channel it to something constructive. Any suggestions? One website said trying to understand a sociopath was like expecting a cow to act like a chicken.
tink3010,
I don’t think that realizing that you were involved with a spath is ever liberating, instead, heartbreaking. Today, I have been dealing with different emotions (you said it so well in your post), all at once, needing to clear my head of the angst that I’m feeling. It’s not something that you can blow off in your mind – the, whatever it is (thoughts), grabs you and won’t let go.
Bluejay the hardest thing is their refusal to allow any debrief. That would be liberating. Just any explanation of their actions would pacify some feelings. However they would probably just be lying anyway!!!!!! Oh gosh this emotion overload is exhausting and feel numb to life. Not eating not functioning and so desperately seeking a spark to lead the way back on the tracks. Will not be broken by anyone especially one who tries so hard to brake you. Clearing the thoughts starts and then he manages to slip into my radar again.
The realisation he was a sociopath is harder to deal with than the fact we are split. Time has enabled me to not want him but only because I accepted it was not mutual and became tired of the drama. Accepting that all the hurt, which lead me to a suicide attempt and heavy drinking,was deliberate on his part is far far far too much to accept. Hopefully time will numb these emotions but being able to trust again seems an impossible dream.
tink3010,
Splitting up and knowing that he is a spath is hard, information overload. I have three children and my heart aches over the mess of it all, having them go through all the emotional upheaval. Yeh, you do get tired of the constant drama, the bombs that dropped. It takes time and effort to get free of these people. I have to go now. Today has been a hard day.