LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Delete yourself from the lie

shabbychic;

Thanks. I have not worked since Sept, 2008. First, I was on short-term disability, then I was illegally terminated from my job. When I learned I needed heart surgery, that became my priority. However, the down-side was way, way, way too much time alone.

Going to AA meetings was as much to fill the time void as to help me stop drinking, especially since I am not an alcoholic in the classic sense. I am more of a either escape binge drinker or somebody who used alcohol to easy my shyness.

In the last month, when I again became depressed due to the heat and isolated, I re-learned an important part of AA: meetings and fellowship is fundamental because people are social creatures. Not only does depression fuel isolation, but isolation fuels depression, as viscous cycle.

In addition, human have an interesting dependency on the reward system. On the most primitive basis, the reward system is wake-up, feel hungry, spend a couple hours hunting, kill animal, eat, feel good, sleep.

Modern man gets “rewards” in many ways. Again, all 12-step programs have “reward,” through service and recognition of anniversaries, as fundamental to their success.

This is one reason why many people only semi-retire, or people with a lot of money do non-profit work. For the “reward” of accomplishment. It makes you feel good.

When I learned I had a cardiac problem, I was shocked. I was otherwise extremely fit, especially aerobically. I once rode 210 miles on a bicycle in 12 hours. I wondered why somebody so fit could have a heart problem. Thus, I focused on the stress in my life, as my developing a heart problem coincided with a lot of work-related stress.

My research, I have a biomedical engineering degree but don’t use it professionally, led to some interesting studies. One in particular showed that when people are under stress but feel there is reward coming, they are no more likely to suffer a cardiac problem than average, lifestyle issues excluded. This is why we can get through college, or many can work in high-pressure jobs without ill effect (except perhaps on others).

However, when stress is coupled with no reward, such as what I was facing on my job, an individual is 4 times more likely to have cardiac problems than average. Reward protects against stress.

Thus, being alone and unemployed can be devastating. I use any means to get out and be social and until I can get my life fully back together, I look for little rewards any place I can get them. One way is to be completely open and honest in the self-help forums I am using in my recovery, both online and in person.

Bulletproof;

Iwanted to be truly honest about the willie story because it is central to the completely bizarre nature of my encounter with Jamie. And true. In rapid succession, over the course of a week or so, I had three WTFs with him:

1) Wanting to Facebook him, then seeing that he had all these pictures from the time we met in and he never shared with me. To this day, his Facebook profile picture is one taken the day we met. It was 6 blocks from my apartment. Since I was busy walking around Midtown that day, I might have even crossed his path before meeting him later that night. Another picture of him has my apartment build very faintly in the background.

2) Coming across his dating profile, “poshboy…” not only answered a lot of questions about him, but there is another curiosity. Last summer, I had a new circle of friends who were very curious about me. I ate out and went clubbing every night, travelled the world and did not work. At a small party, one of these friends called me “Poshboy.” I snapped at him and told him to never call me that name again.

3) The Xtube thing is absolutely surreal. Essentially, for almost a year I was inadvertently looking for Jamie and found him. On my third or so date with Jamie, I was beginning to feel that we had so much in common I actually wondered to him why we had not met before…

I met him the last day of my short-term disability. When my psychiatrist agreed with my cardiologist that I needed time off, my psychiatrist told me to take time to relax, but don’t be isolated and try to meet some people for meaningful relationships. The first day of my short-term disability was Jamie’s birthday, thus setting into motion all the events which led to my meeting him.

I am not by nature a mystical or astrological type of person, but you have to admit this stuff makes heads spin. One last thing. Last September, I was on a weekend get-away in Quebec with this guy I was seeing. There was this one building we both really liked. Before leaving, we walked by to learn the building’s name. The “James Wright” building. It was Jamie’s birthday too. WTF???

But I have not ben totally honest with all the facts and details. For my own good, for the best closure I can put on this story, I am finally going to come totally clean.

Trust me, this is going to be really good. But it is going to require some pictures first, nothing graphic, lol…

Wini;

You do make a good point that was implicit to my comment, the presumption of finding a satisfying job free of sociopaths (and narcissists). I also agree with you and certainly do not want to go back to sociopath filled Wall Street. Also, as much as I am a born-native New Yorker, it is sad to admit that this city is a magnet for them.

Thankfully, I have a dual Irish citizenship and can legally live and work in the anywhere in European Union if need be. Maybe I will learn that Europe is filled with sociopaths too, but it can’t be any worse than here and at least over there I have free health care.