A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
kim frederick Hi…. glad you register…. just twigged it ..but of course it could be just coincidence…I’m sure One step will understand…in fact if anyone would understand it would be one step…
Yep. I agree.
Verity;
Sorry for the confusion; some dates were correct, the others were the uploaded dates. I can explain mine. When I met Jon, I was very sick and had lost a bunch of weight. J5 was taken in Montreal around 11/1/2008, a month before I met him. By March 2008, when j4 was taken, I gained back some weight. By July 2009, when j3 was taken I was about 15 pounds heavier than j5 back to my normal weight and muscularity. You can progressively see the weight gain in my face from j5 to j4 to j3. Also j3 was taken in the summer when my hair gets very red and I trimmed facial hair way back and in j5 I am pale even by my standards from being sick.
Regarding Jon, I only know that for fact j1 was taken on Dec 1, 2008, the date of my first “drama” with him. The other two I am guessing. I am pretty certain that J2 was from around 2005. J6, his most commonly circulated picture, I only guessed 2004 but its probably earlier and also looks retouched.
Now, here is the postpartum pity play. I never saw anything that said he was 100% HIV+, it is something I deduced, but should have realized even the day I met him. Why, because if you look at j5, you can see slight nasolabial folds that I don’t have later on. I even remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking that if I did not start gaining weight, people were going to think I was HIV+. Even in that month I put some weight back on and was going to the gym regularly again, so that when I met Jon I looked a little fuller, enough so that he was not only surprised I was older than him, but envious that “you are three years older than me and not a line on your face…”
Look at j1. Jon has very, very pronounced nasolabial folds, but the obvious did not resonate with me. He even looks sicklier than me and I still had constant GI problems and was coming down with Shingles (before I said Thrush).
When I found his profile, something did not resonant with me. I still thought very highly of him, but it reveal, through the match questions, a surprising pessimism and insecurity. When I Googled “Poshboy…” and found the first pornsite profile, it all hit me, given his favorite porn is all unsafe sex. Then I looked thru all his matching questions and saw “would you date somebody who confided in you that they had a sexually transmitted disease?” I was still not 100% sure but given the fact that when I raised my own real concern about being HIV+, he hardly reacted, never talked about it, and dumped me the next day. In our following communication, he never once mentioned HIV, but seemed well aware of Shingles, which is quite unusual for a younger person, I certainly was not before I got them.
If that was not enough, last summer I met an HIV+ guy named Jonathon (French) in Montreal and we became friends. I was out with Jonathon one night and got on his case a bit for smoking and drinking. He looked at me and told me that he had given up smoking and drinking and was doing very well but then all his counts went bad. He was out with friends and picked first a drink then a cigarette…
One of the nights I was out with Jon and he was very curious how I managed to keep looking so good. He should see me now, lol. I told him I don’t smoke and although I had been drinking a lot lately, I was generally fairly temperate. Jon then told me he had given up smoking and drinking and then was out one night, but never told me what drove him back to self-destruction.
If that was not enough, Jonathon began to caution me about Montreal. “Stay out of the bath houses. They are a nest of HIV.” Then Jonathon gestured around his mouth. “Stay away from guys with too deep of line around the mouth. They are all HIV+”
Thus, I am 100% sure that Jon is HIV+. My single biggest resentment toward him is why he did not feel he could trust telling me, especially after my telling him that I might be HIV+.
This story has too many Johns…
Off to the gym…
That’s what I used to say about the houses I cleaned. Even if it was only one story, it always had too many johns. Teehee.
Verity!!!! white light…deep breaths….nice mantra….goodnightx
Behind blue eyes,
QUOTE: My single biggest resent is why he did not trust telling me….
WTF????
YOu knew the guy for a month and you expected him to TRUST you with his deepest darkest secrets, just because you had told him YOUR deepest darkest secret about your fear of being HIV+????
Okay, now I am gonna get the freaking SKILLET OUT!!!!
What is this IMMEDIATE TRUST CRAP? And why are you still hung up on the fact that HE DIDN’T TRUST YOU?
The man is a Piece of trash a FLAKE, a high flying waiter not a PhD for goodness sakes, and YOU are still upset cause he didn’t trust YOU??????
Okay now, Blue eyes, GET REAL! Now a pity party is okay sometimes, and we’ve all had them, I think I’ve had the biggest ones of all, but it is time for you to get over this rumination and all this crap about HIM NOT TRUSTING YOU….and God alone knows you had NO reason to trust him, so why you think he should have had a reason to trust you is beyond believing, and you know….why do you CARE whether or not that piece of garbage trusted you or not? He isn’t REQUIRED to trust you. SO WHAT?
So you know I care but yer’gettin on my last nerve doing unhealthy things for yourself! QUIT IT! ((((Hugs))))
Kay said, “The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.” That is my favorite line from the post/article above.
I don’t post on LF often, hardly ever, and I come to LF occasionally. After the initial betrayal, and once my friends alerted me to the possibility that the person I had been with was/is an SP, I read LF daily.
I’m in a bad place tonight. My health has been poor lately and that fact has lowered my emotional defenses.
I saw the s/p last week. I was in a car, and he was walking down the street. Given where we each live, I happen to randomly see him about once every two months . . . . .
However, the last time I talked to him was in March 2009. The last time I tried to make contact was in April 2009. The last time he tried to make contact with me was in July 2009. He rang my door bell and called me for an hour and a half straight from 11:00 pm to 12:30 a.m. I stayed in my apartment, with the lights off . . . .
Some where on the internet, types of S/Ps are listed. My s/p fits under the rubric of the “Nomadic Parasite” For that type, the internet article warned, “Be ware of their red flags. Don’t bail him out. Know his ability to appear helpless, pitiful, confused and in need of our assistance.”
That last time that the s/p came to my door, he claimed he had a medical emergency and needed my help. He claimed he needed for me to refer him to a health care professional. Given what he had done to me, that he had replaced me, betrayed me, and pretended that I did not exist when my very existence inconvenienced him, I chose not to engage, not to answer the persistently ringing doorbell, and not to answer the incessantly ringing telephone, in other words, not to serve as “rescuer” of a crazy person. (I know what he claims he wanted based on the numerous voice messages he left.)
The thing is, tonight. I don’t miss him. For those newer to LF, “No contact” really does help and does promote healing. However, I miss the intimacy. I miss lying in bed with someone curled around me as we watch videos. I miss the physical intimacy; I miss the emotional intimacy that I felt.
The way I feel is that I despair, absolutely despair that I will ever be worthy of, attractive enough, open enough to have even better intimacy, to find someone, to have someone find me.
I really relate to Hens posts above. I often carry myself and feel as if I don’t fit in anywhere, as if I am somehow different and unconnected from even the possibility of a human connection, intimacy, and fulfilling companionship.
Dear First,
I understand your despair and I think that many if not all of the LF posters understand that same despair. When my husband died, I was DESTITUTE for comfort, for companionship for intimacy, and felt I’ll never have that again, and you know, that may be TRUE, but I do know one thing, when I had the P-BF I didn’t have INTIMACY, I didn’t have comfort or companionship what I had was a PARASITE SUCKING MY EMOTIONAL BLOOD. I just didn’t realize it. I had a FANTASY that I had warmth…(head shaking here) but you know, as I have healed, GRADUALLY I have come to realize that even when it is just me and the dorg in the bed, I’m not alone…..I have ME. I have me to care about me, I have the comfort that I know I will take care of me. I am OK by myself. I don’t have to be “lonely” because it is just me and the dorg, even on the nights he scratches and wakes me up, or barks at the coyotes outside, I’m still okay.,
Took me a long time to realize that, but it’s true! Actually, I’m a pretty cool old gal, just like Henry is a pretty cool gay guy from Oklahomaphobicica, I’m a pretty cool old biddy from Arkansas and you know! Thats’ a great thing!
WE FIT!!! We don’t “fit” in the psychopath’s square holes, but we do fit in the ones that count…we fit in with the good people in this world, the great people, the caring people, the people with conscience, the people who are honest….yea, we fit THERE but not in with them. I’m tired of trying to fit in with them. There’s a good reason I don’t fit in with that group, it’s because I’m not like them, I’M BETTER, AND SO IS HENRY AND SO ARE YOU!!!! TOWANDA FOR US ALL!
to First / Oxy / hens.
I want to share something that struck me yesterday. We are going to have to be our own best ever ever carers and nurses – we have to be kind calm and pateint with ourselves even when we dont feel like it…. or want it all to ‘hurry up and get better’ or ‘stop’ or ‘go back to’ some ‘better before’…
I went on a long train journey for the first time in yonks; anxiety has stopped me doing a lot of things, especially scarey noisy things, like trains…and crowds of people!lol! but it seems to be surmountable now-progress:)
I went right down the centre of england to the south coast. The countryside is BEAUTIFUL.
It changes from rolling hills to forests and then flat wetlands and estuaries full of birds. I saw beautiful skies and I saw Hares and animals I’d never seen before outside of books (there was even a little fawn, like bambi, asleep in the hedgerow when the train slowed!) and I topped it off with the sparkling ocean and that amazing salty sea smell.
I have always been sensitive to nature, pre-spath I remember for as far back as I can how its beauty affected me, it’s beauty has always had a really positive joyus, rapturous, psychotropic effect on me. That effect is SO numbed now.
I was on my way home, looking and trying to feel it and it wasnt happening. I thought it felt like those connecters in my brain had stopped firing. and it was awful to think ‘ will I ever feel that joy again?’ ( grief hopelessness and whats the point type feelings ensue) This is post trauma depression?
I thought about it like a neuroloical injury. The damage done during and after spath…its like you shut down( or the experience does) all systems, all connections and detach everything along with the things you need and and want to KEEP…. and how like with many brain injury’s people lose the ability to walk (that thought chases a lot of self pity away) or talk….BUT with careful nursing and TIME, and TRYING… the wiring re-routes itself and people re-learn…it will not be the same as before though…
So I have to be PATIENT and CALM and at least KIND to MYSELF. and when I want to throw in the towel, or howl “I’ll never ‘walk'(emotionally) again! so there’s no point in trying!”… I wont get so down on myself about not healing fast enough,I’ll encourage and support myself,like I would if I was the best ever ever nurse.
Anther thing that has just popped into my head is that I did it. I took this trip ‘alone’. I think I was in a mind set ‘before’ that was about not being able to experience anything without another to share it with…feeling something or someone ‘missing’…didnt miss anyone else…did ‘miss’ part of ‘me’. I think that’s a good thing. hmmm. So I didnt feel all the joy and sparkle this time, but i still did it. and it wasnt bad. I ‘survived’. I didnt cry. I saw beautiful things… you never know, they might sink in later;)