A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
behind_blue_eyes
there is no way that the picture of the man with red hair in J4 is the same as the man in j6…so it isn’t you or you think it is you but its not…confusing is the word I’d use to describe your presentation of events.
I’m feeling a little suspicious of what is going on…it’s no problem, I’m not freaked out or anything, I’m just listening closely to my gut on this and something is a little off….or it’s me having a Ptsd moment…so I hope you will bear with me in doing that, and not be put off by what may be my own paranoia and nothing to do with you!lol
I support your efforts to unravel the mystery surrounding your experience, but I’m not a complete fool either…I also am wondering if you feel a little exposed, or that Jamie is totally exposed now…personal information that is really sensitive….I’d be concerned and ask you to check in with yourself if this is okay with you…this level of exposure…. if it is. …keep talking…peace.
Bp – It is confusing, I make no apologies, this water is muddy= I dont want to swim in it.
Blueskies, that connection with Nature will return, in due time, I promise. What you’re experiencing is 100% “normal” with regard to spath experience. Our experiences with the spath have erroneously taught us that there is no true “joy” in the world, and that’s just part of the damage that they inflict. The desire to “share” the wonders of Nature are seemingly shot down because the spath has severed something vital to us, or so we believe.
There will come a point, Blueskies, when that wonder and joy will return. It happens in a most subtle way, too. Prior to 2008, I could see something natural – sunset, baby animal, pastoral setting, etc. – and just become overwhelmed by its perfection. That was the artist’s eye. The following 2 years, I couldn’t “see” ANYTHING beautiful or “good.” I’d been hammered by 3 spaths in rapid succession, and I was feeling their damage down to my very spirit. I also abandoned my system of beliefs. I found this site by Googling: my son is a sociopath. Through many tears, rants, raves, and introspection, I’m finding my way back onto my healing path, one baby step at a time.
You’ll be fine, Blueskies. Yes, be kind to yourself and take each step on your healing path one-by-one. Soon enough, a rose-tined sunset will touch your soul and you’ll experience true joy WITHOUT feelign the need to be “sharing.” “This is for ME,” is what you’ll think, and it will be most profound.
Brightest blessings!
Bluskies – TOWANDA for going! Really, that’s marvelous. another step forward, and back to yourself.
it does sound like post trauma depression – that disconnect between experience and feeling. but you went, you were ABLE to go. and that is an indicator of great progress.
the connection will come back. keep caring and nursing and being patient. in the book, ‘the artist’s way’, julia cameron suggests ‘artist’s dates’ – to go and do things once a week that refuel us (and in the context of the book, the artistic well). can be very simple things.
and be open to change – to enjoying or appreciating things you didn’t pre-spath. for me, post spath rebuilding also means learning to trust myself – and it is only through that self trust (regenerating the knowledge that i deserve to do things that have meaning to me) that i can go back to the things that had so much meaning for me.
Thanks Buttons:)x I really DO believe you.x
Thanks One-step too:)x yes it was a good step. I am being patient with the now, were I am now, and trusting in and open to change. Thanks for the words of encouragement both of you.
blueskies – i liked your nursing analogy – because at its best nursing is a bout compassion and patience; ‘standing with and in the presence of pain’ and doing the things to help the person in the moment, get to the other side of the pain; about tending to details to help the process – caring, doing practical things, knowing all the while that there is a healing arc that everyone in pain goes through, but being in the moment with the person.
Onestep:)Thats great. My thoughts are so fractured sometimes…you summed up perfectly the crux of my waffle;)x
Behind Blue Eyes, OxDrover, Bulletproof, Learning, et al…
My two cents worth about what BBE is going through…
1. Sometimes you have to exhume the body to discover the true cause of death so that the mystery can be solved. The survivors can then get closure, re-bury it, and go on with their lives. I think that is what BBE is doing here. I can understand that.
2. The photos: As they say in police work, “There are no coincidences”. The two guys look very much alike. The fact that he was at BBE’s apartment building is also bizarre. It’s almost as though it was a set-up… and I’m not a paranoid person… The only way I could tell that they were not the same person is the ears- they are different… The eyebrows came in close 2nd.
3. Is BBE the same as OneStep? Nahhh… You were tired and it was very confusing reading the long posts and trying to figure out what BBE was saying. Is he the same person as the other guy? No… Could they be long-lost brothers??? Who knows?
4. The matter of being upset that Jamie didn’t TRUST BBE… I can relate to that too. My S/P dumped me and got violently angry with me for something that I did not and would not ever do to hurt him… I went on his Ex’s FB page because I had that nagging feeling that she was the person who had been calling me all year— and I was RIGHT!!! His reaction was so not normal…
5. BBE, the matter of trust between you two— YOU should be upset that HE didn’t tell YOU, and YOU should be the person not trusting HIM. What HE is doing is exactly what P’s do—he is PROJECTING HIS LACK OF TRUSTWORTHINESS ONTO YOU. DO NOT LET THIS BOTHER YOU ANYMORE…
6. As a fellow human being with empathy, you should be worried about your health now. When you described your health issues, they were all the same as those my step-son had: GI problems, shingles and thrush. And by the time he was diagnosed, he was already full-blown AIDS. This was the 80’s, and he was one of the longest-living patients at the time, but he had no clue… And, yes, the face: I can tell an AIDS patient within the first 2 seconds. Usually the face doesn’t show until very late in the game (full-blown AIDS) due to the body breaking down the muscle tissues for energy. Go get checked. Again.
7. BBE: I think I understand what you have been trying to get here: some validation. Although it seems a bit dramatic to some, it does make sense that you would be haunted by this person and his face. But you do have to bury it in your past, or it will keep haunting you.
In some ways, this has probably been a good thing to open it up, air it out, grieve, get bonked on the head with a skillet, and then put it all back and bury it for good. It seems to me that it is a lot like therapy… So treat it as just that and try to find other things to replace that negative energy in your heart and in your head.
Best of luck to you.
bbe and one step the same? i thought there was just some comment about mimicry, NOT that it was suggested we could be the same person.
that’s toooo funny. nope, bbe is not a sock puppet of one step. snort giggle. but if anyone WANTS some sock puppets, i know where y’all can get a whole drawer full!