LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Delete yourself from the lie

Bulletproof;

I never said the guy in j4 andj6 is the same. They are not. j3,4,5 is me, j1,j2,j6 is Jon. The reason why I posted these pics was to illustrate a fundamental problem I had — him (John) and me (Jon) are very similar looking, at least the current me, and the Jon of j2 and j6.

I can throw out pictures and emails, I cannot stop looking in the mirror or a reflection in the window and often I see the Jon of j2 and j6.

This resemblance goes deeper than looks. We share the same interests, desires and certain issues. Even the “boy” thing. Jon wants people to view him as a boy, yet he is hardly such anymore. People refer to me as “boy” all the time and I am offended by it.

I am sorry about the “willie” story but I put it in to also demonstrate how bizarre this whole thing was and that bizarreness was another reason why I still have problems letting go. From Jon’s stupid amateur porn video, I constructed an image of the kind of guy I want to meet, the normal sort of guy next door, nothing special in body and physical attributes, just an attractive face. To then meet this guy in person, 9 months later???

But that is part of being involved with a sociopath. Bizarre things happen. Normal guys next door don’t post videos of themselves on Xtube. They also don’t leave easily followed online trails to some very disturbing stuff.

Jon is the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing. Funny, if I had come across him online I would have skipped right over, because online its pretty clear that he is shallow, partying focused with a single attraction to very young guys. I guess I should be flattered that he pursued me.

He is the ultimate predator, with slightly different profiles (names, birthdays, details) on virtually every major gay online site and at least a couple of mainstream ones too. One of his gay profiles was banned too, for lord knows what. To think that in person he presents himself likable enough to bring home to Mom is scary, given the possible places his hands might have been the night before.

I posted a lot of very personal stuff because I had a serious slide back into depression during the month of July. It was a reminder of how gloomy things can get for me and why I am doing everything possible to avoid ever going there again. There is nothing more horrible than being depressed, alone, and unable to sleep. It also reminded me that even before the slide, I had serious unresolved issues regarding this guy, partly from the good in me that is incapable of become seriously angry with people and partly from the needy side of me.

All this junk was intentional on my part. Not many people are as open as I (good quality / flaw) and I figured that if I can show how devastating an even short term relationship can be, maybe I could help somebody else, somebody who has gone through the same experience and thoughts but is too shamed to talk about it.

While I have my issues, I am convinced that Jon the sociopath’s contribution is equally at blame. If I had been dealing with a normal person, even if he decided I was not right for him, I would not have gone to the same dark place because normal people don’t provide the fuel to the fire.

After not sleeping for most of the week, I finally got about six hours sleep last night. Jon did not cause this bout of depression and insomnia, the depression and insomnia caused to think about him in a way I have not for a year, although again I do admit that he was still on my mind way too much.

Why? I mainly have too much time on my hands and I have been too isolated. Also, I have not really done the things I should, they are away but not thrown away. I guess I have some cleaning to do.

Something really good came out of this, as I figured out why I need to do what I need to do. Men are particularly vulnerable to pictures because men are very visual, and for men, to see something has the nearly same psychological effect as experiencing something. This is one reason why men are more likely to be porn addicts like Jon, but also why sports captivates men much more then women. I need to trash not only pictures but momentous as well, as there are few good memories associated with them.

I know I will be OK in the long-run.

PS Oxdrover, I did make a resents list.

SageeGirl;

Again, my apologies for being confusing. First, your point #1 is quite correct. Until my recent relapse into depression, I never really exhumed the body. I just did and i am going to bury it deep.

#2 – It is eerie we look the same. I did not realize that when I was dating Jon because his “thinning locks” were longer than in the other pictures and my hair is buzzed short — thinning too in the front I might add, lol. So, when I saw the pictures of the younger Jon, with buzzed hair, I was floored by how much he looked like me. Last summer, I showed a new friend of mine j6, and told him it was a picture of me at 25. His only comment was I am thinner now. So, you can see how this adds to the WTF??? of the whole experience. It actually was a coincidence he was around my apartment because I live in a touristy area and in the picture j1, it is very far in the background, by coincidence.

#3 – Behind Blue Eyes is not OneStep. Jon is the sociopath and John (me) is just f**ked up.

#4 and #5 – We can debate the trust issue forever. All I can about sociopath Jon is that in the trust category the dating website personality profiler has him about as far into untrusting as you can get. In the months after Jon, I met three people who were HIV positive — all were immediately upfront, one ended up dating. While Oxdrover disagrees, I feel we knew each other long enough for him to bring up this issue.

#6 – Thankfully, we did not have sex. We were taking things slow.

You tell me. Look at Jon in photo #1. Positive or not?

Look at Jon in photo #2, taken about 5 years before. People don’t age that fast, except for perhaps one other reason, heavy drug use and I have some reason to believe this is possible, even though on all the websites he says he never uses drugs.

#7 – Thank you, this is exactly what I am doing. After today, no more specifics about Jon, only general comments about sociopaths and how to get over them.

Thanks again, I really mean it.

I found the page talking about the types of sociopaths:

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/01/27/12-characteristics-psychopaths-sociopaths

I wish I had known about this a year ago. I am floored. No doubts in my mind any more that I may have misjudged “poor” Jon.

My first thought that Jon might be a sociopath was based upon an article dispelling the myth that all sociopaths are criminal. Two things resonated from that article, the sociopathic stare, and classic traits of superficial charm and such. I remembered Jon’s stare from across the room the night I met him and how I was actually made uncomfortable by his deep eye contact. Its why I chose the name behind_blue_eyes. If you compare our eyes, there is a certain sparkle in my eyes that is missing in his, particularly j1. But even his eyes in j6 have a chill to them.

But Lisa E. Scott’s article finally seals it for me. No more poor Jon. No more thinking he is anything but a cunning, manipulative sociopath.

He is a combination of three sociopath types and I cannot believe how exactly these three fit.

“The ’Jekyll/Hyde’ Psychopath comes on strong, sweeps us off our feet. Appearing to be our ‘soulmate’, he falsely mirrors our values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes and habits. He mimics our ambition, integrity, honesty and sincerity. He portrays false integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase” — I have said this many times.

“It never lasts as Jekyll turns into Hyde. He blames others. His victims are objectified and disposable. He convincingly mimics human emotions. His lack of conscience is shocking, incomprehensible and emotionally painful to us” — When he dumped me, he immediately switched the conversation to our second date when he agreed that we had a “connection” but was not sure where it would go. Then he completely ignored that he pursued me. I even raised some concerns that since he was drinking our first three dates, I had concerns about him liking me sober. His response was that the first two nights he was not that drunk (I was totally sober) and that he was sober the times he talked to me on the phone or chatted online.

That fact that he dumped me by email, a week before Christmas, while bed ridden with Shingles facing the possibility of being HIV+ says enough.

“We remember his odd reaction to situations” — in a restaurant, he walked out on me when I asked him back to my apartment. “You offended my British reservedness.” When he finally came to my place, he became very angry at a pie I bought for us to share. “I told you I am not into sweets.” There were others too.

“We are quickly discarded as he cultivates a new perfect soulmate” — in his last email to me, I remember him talking about visits to several named friends and a late night with “drinks or three” at another unnamed friend’s place, who was probably the new victim.

“He may drop verbal clues about his true character early in the relationship, but we fail to grasp its meaning” — he alluded to his “kid in a candy shop” days but downplayed it to seem like the past. Also when talking about places to go in New York, I mentioned this one notorious sex club. I not only remember him becoming particularly interested, I remember telling him “neither of us need going to that place.

“Later, when the psychopath eventually emerges, we remember his early warning. His targets suffer emotional and financial devastation and our emotional recovery is lengthy” — thank god I am only out $200 for dinner.

“The Female Psychopath: Using her false mask, this charming Southern Belle schemer” — Jon’s false mask is the sensitive “EMO Kid.”

“Appears helpless or needy, pitiful, inept or emotionally unable to cope” — I am really floored by this since one of his many profile names is “cluelessXYZ” And almost always something “lad or boy.” Others: “jonboyXY” and “poshboyXY”

“This passive parasite lures and abuses the normal protector/ provider instincts in her male target” — exactly what he did.

“When the mask comes off she is cunning, ruthless, predatory, and loveless” — obviously now.

“The Promiscuous Psychopath. Pornography, hyper sexuality, masturbation, poor boundaries, exhibitionism, use of prostitutes, incest are reported by his targets” — yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, not sure (or might have been one) and incest. This is the only time I am going to speculate I always had some concerns that he seemed distant from his sister, his only living relative. He really liked his two nephews but even then I felt that maybe she did not want him around them. Now knowing of his strong attraction to younger men and boys, maybe there is a reason why he is distant from his sister.

I was not going to go here, but among his 700 profile questions, four always stood out in my mind. First, there was one about being willing to date somebody with a sexually transmitted disease. But there were three others, the most chilling, “would you be willing to date somebody convicted of a sex crime?” Guess what, in order to match highly with him, answer yes to this question. That is when my originally high matching with him dropped. There was a similar question about “willingness to date a former sex-industry worker.”

“Can have a preference for ‘sadomasochism’ sexuality. Easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation” — very much into unsafe sex and very kinky.

“The Internet a favorite hunting ground” — I was able to find Jon’s profile on three gay dating websites and two mainstream. I was also able to find his profile on four porn websites and one cam-to-cam one. I was also able to find a profile name known to be used by him that was banned from one website. The reason could be anything innocuous (suspected of multiple profiles) or something far worse.

“However, another type exists, the one who withholds sex or affection” — for whatever reason, this is exactly what he did to me.

PS – I just deleted all the emails from him I saved.